How Do I Stop These Feelings?

[danni]

I have been married over 6 years and love my husband. I have put my heart and soul into this marriage. He has been good to me, and still is... mostly. Like any other marriage, there have been hard times - but we have worked through them.

The only problem that's continued through our marriage is that when I am upset over something he has said or done - he doesn't comfort me, or make me feel better. He leaves me alone till I am "over it". I don't get that. I'm not like that - if I ever said anything to offend him or that upset him - I would fix it and make him feel better.

The other week, we had a pretty serious conversation and I bought this up. I asked him how he can bear to see me so upset if he is "in love with me". That's when he told me that he doesn't know if he's in love with me (he "loves" me, but not sure if he's "in love" with me). He also said that he does sometimes think about being single or what it would be like to be with someone else - especially when times are hard or we've had a disagreement. Is that normal? No matter what we go through, I don't think like that!! So I was pretty devastated at hearing all that. I have put so much into this - laid my emotions bare and he's always had this "guard" up emotionally.

Anyways, since this, I have felt pretty depressed and just really genuinely sad. Sad that I give so much and get so little in return - and last night had a dream about his band mate - and his band mate is the sweetest guy ever! I love him (not like that!! lol), but am finding that I am attracted to him - to his sweet and fun personality. He's a really really nice fun guy and always gives me a hug and is awesome to me! A lotta fun, makes me laugh. My husband seems to have lost that part of him. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to feel like this - I want to be with my husband, I have given so much emotionally and feel like I can't give anymore love until I get some back - but him holding back, and not being sure he's "in love" with me - well I think I deserve more than that, don't I?

Sorry this is so long... it's hard to get all the facts in. we're inactive at the moment - have all the good intentions there... but I know, that's not enough. I would love to be active - properly, fully, but how can I when I'm so unhappy with life at home.

[Maya]

Ah Danni.... what can I say. Welcome to the real world. I think you are in the part of your marriage when things like that happens. The marriage changes. The "in love" time is over and everyday is hitting your face. It will be up to you two how to continue. I know it hurts when this time hits, but It WILL go over. You need to find new things to get happy about. And most of all DONT get so unhappy about what he does or does not do. Try not to think about it, just be happy and it will pass faster.

My first marriage lasted 9 years... actually 5 but my second is now 20 years old. Today we can say we love each other a lot more than when we married, but differently. And YES I could have walked away 1000 times, but I did not.... of course I still may...

I think the commitment just has to be there when the bad times hit you or you do not endure. Sometimes you just have to go on the commitment for a while and forget the love part.

Be strong, try to find things you stil like about him and enjoy those while he is beeing... difficult. And even if he would hurt you really bad... you know what ... you can survive and still find out that you love him... after a while.

[marshac]

Sorry to hear about your situation.

As many here know, i'm back in school, although what they might not know is that I have gotten to know many wonderful VERY attractive women at school. I would be lying if I claimed that I never thought about what life would be like with some of them (the eventual conclusion is that they would drive me crazy...), but I remind myself of the promises I made to my wife, and the reasons why I married her. Perhaps it's a male thing, but we often tend to take the women in our lives for granted- girlfriends, wives, mothers, etc. I have to believe that your husband still loves you, but my bet is that he is in a funk.... he has you, and does love you, but he's getting a little older and wondering "what would it be like..." I guess you could call it an early mid-life crisis perhaps? As with everything, it's not the temptations that matter- it's how we act upon them. It sounds as though he is still faithful to you, and you to him. Do you two make time for each other- time away from kids, etc? What about "date night", or a weekend away with just each other? My wife and I have been married for 2 years, although we have been together for 7.... after that many years with her, things would probably get pretty old if we didn't make a point of doing things together- and example is usually once a year we go to a place up in Bellingham, WA and sit in a big tub overlooking the bay....sometimes for 3-4 hours.... just talking and getting to know each other again. We talk about our thoughts on current events, future plans, concerns, etc.... it really helps us reconnect with each other.

We don't have kids yet- 6 more months until the first one is due- so I can only try to understand time constraints imposed by children, but since kids need a good home, and a good home requires healthy relationships.... how can a couple afford NOT to get away for awhile in order to reconnect with each other? Even something as quick as a Friday night "date night" would be great.

Unfortunately though- it takes two for a relationship to be successful. I hope that your hubby is willing to put in a little effort to get things back to where you would like them to be at. Give him time- and at the same time, don't go looking for whatever your feel is missing in your marriage with someone outside of your marriage.

I believe that the church has some resources for family counseling, so if you feel the need, you could also talk to them too. I'm sure they could offer you some great advice.

[marshac]

I think the commitment just has to be there when the bad times hit you or you do not endure. Sometimes you just have to go on the commitment for a while and forget the love part.

I'm sorry to say that i've probably put my wife in this situation... I can be bull-headed at times. This seems to be a character flaw frequently found in my sex

You have some very good advice Maya :)

[Prodigal_Son]

Been there, done that - so to speak.

While the REAL key is your relationship with God, might I suggest - in addition to that - a more terrestrial tool?

When my wife and I were at that same type of stalemate (pun intended) , I was encouraged to read WITH MY SPOUSE the book "His Needs, Her Needs". It's not an LDS work, but it's allegedly the best-selling marital-counseling book published.

It taught my wife and I to open our eyes to our spouse's top needs, and not just give them what we'd personally like (because men and women rate what is important to them as polar opposites).

Give it a look and convince your insensitive and thoughtless (aren't we all?) husband that it's imperative he read it WITH you.

Good luck and hang in there. There will come a light at the end of the tunnel if you hold on long enough.

[lilered]

First, I think what you are going thru is pretty normal and happens to most couples in their marriage. I am convinced that a good way to prevent this from happening is for both to follow the counsel of our Presidency. Attend church regularly, hold family home evenings, do home teaching and visiting teaching, hold a job in the church, read the scriptures together as a family, have family prayer, praying daily, attend the Temple reguarly, be obediant to the commandments and have a date nite with your spouse..

Following this counsel invites the spirit, bonds the family, and allows the Lord to bless the family, the home, and the individuals. It also provides for enrichment for the marriage to grow and flourish.

Not following this counsel, allows the devil to enter into the family and lead us into temptation and cloud our mind with evil thoughts etc..

I would counsel you to return to the basics and if your husband isn't willing, then do it yourself, include your children, and pray that he will eventually after he sees the change it is making in your life. Call on the Lord in prayer and fasting.

[Guest missingsomething]

I would highly suggest that you watch the movie Fireproof with your spouse and then take the "Love Dare". Just be warned, sometimes, it doesnt always lead you to wanting to stay. But most importantly pray for Heavenly Father to change your heart.

[danni]

First of all - thank you to all of you who have replied. Have read each and every one of the replies and it has helped me a lot. Oh and missingsomething - I just checked out the trailer for Fireproof - looks really good, so might watch that tonight :) What is the "Love Dare" though?

Anyways, just an update to you all... I had a really good talk with him today. He listened to me... we talked for a good couple of hours. It was really helpful and he has explained things. I think I still feel wary - not readily believing everything he says like I usually would. I do feel that the foundations of our marriage have been shaken... but he has told me we will get through it. He said that he knows I am his soul mate and no matter what the future holds he will always love me and there could never be anyone else that knows him like I do or understands him like I do.

So... again I thank you all for your kindness and understanding. I will remain active here on the forums - or try to. I want my husband and I to go back to church and continue doing the basics (if not just for our children's sake), he wants that too... but we both find it hard. Why? I have no idea! The basics are the hardest! I often wonder why they are called the "basics"!

[Maya]

I think I still feel wary - not readily believing everything he says like I usually would. )

When I felt like that ... I realised I need to let it go... leave it to God. I would be true and faithful, his truthfullness and faithfulness is totally his business. It may hurt me if he lies, but it really is between him and our HF. Everything will be revealed one day.

It is great he feels you are his solemate! I think the plural marriage feature in men comes out even today in toughts about how would it be... as women tend to hold on to what they have ... mostly.

[sensibility]

I'm truly not convinced that there is a difference between 'loving' someone and 'being in love' with them. The idea that there's a whole separate type of love for our spouses is, I think, mostly erroneous. I love my husband like I love my friends and family; the foundational feelings of care, concern, attentiveness, and willingness to serve him are the same things I feel for anyone I love. The difference is that I love my husband a lot more and with added physical attraction. I think if he does love you, that's enough for a marriage.

The difference in resolving problems just sounds like a typical misalignment of communication styles. He's almost certainly not being malicious, he just approaches things differently. I hate to throw another book at you, but if you haven't read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus', you might find some useful things in it: it didn't really apply to my marriage, but from what you've said here I think it might apply to yours very well. It talks about the different ways men and women might approach relationship difficulties and is a pretty quick read.

I agree that sometimes the basics of the gospel are the very hardest. If I were in your situation, I'd probably focus on developing one righteous habit for now, whether that's reading the scriptures every night, saying a prayer with husband and/or family, attending Church meetings . . . I'd probably start with saying a daily prayer with my husband. If he weren't willing, I'd start with daily personal scripture study. It isn't so overwhelming if you start with just one thing, I've found.

Regarding the fact that he thinks about being single or with other women (and, indeed, the fact that you feel attracted to his bandmate . . .), I think that's 100% normal when we feel hurt by our partners -- we instinctively start looking for someone more accepting and comforting. It's not a problem as long as we stop as soon as we notice it's happening, and try to remember that the grass is always greenest over the septic tank.

[Aesa]

I'm sorry to say that i've probably put my wife in this situation... I can be bull-headed at times. This seems to be a character flaw frequently found in my sex...

I couldn't agree more. While both genders at this time in our society, are not given the tools to relate to one another properly it seems men are often the 'worse culprit'.

Danni, from my experience with people, what I'd say your husband is doing is holding onto a very big ego. In other words, when something is wrong he doesn't see it that way because he is 'looking after number 1' and as long as he is fine... then everything is fine.

I asked him how he can bear to see me so upset if he is "in love with me". That's when he told me that he doesn't know if he's in love with me (he "loves" me, but not sure if he's "in love" with me). He also said that he does sometimes think about being single or what it would be like to be with someone else - especially when times are hard or we've had a disagreement. Is that normal?

Now, I recognise that you are Mormon -- this to me means that you probably believe that "love" is a literal feeling, and that as a Christian you don't really believe in being natural (there's a verse somewhere in the New Testament about "taking off the natural man [being]."

From a "natural" perspective, since that is what you asked -- the answer is very different. Nobody actually loves someone all the time, even if they try, there will eventually be a time here and there where there's something they don't love about a person.

Let me try and give an example. Someone might ask me (and this is hypothetical, not real life) "do you love your mother?" If I were speaking from a natural perspective I'd probably find myself asking "What do you mean with such a vague term? There are many things I love about my mother, she is a very giving person to those in need, but there are also things I don't love about my mother, for example, she is very bigoted and racist."

You can never love someone all the time, despite the counter claims I expect I might get from saying that you 'certainly can'. You just cannot. It is completely natural for your husband to think about being with other women.

Now I'm not belittling or trying to be hurtful whatsoever, just trying to broaden your horizons a little bit. You're quite free to discount everything I say without comment, that's what freedom of choice is all about.

[MarginOfError]

I'm truly not convinced that there is a difference between 'loving' someone and 'being in love' with them. The idea that there's a whole separate type of love for our spouses is, I think, mostly erroneous. I love my husband like I love my friends and family; the foundational feelings of care, concern, attentiveness, and willingness to serve him are the same things I feel for anyone I love. The difference is that I love my husband a lot more and with added physical attraction. I think if he does love you, that's enough for a marriage.

I would have to contend that there is a difference...at least in the way that we commonly use the terms. I'm going to base this notion on an anecdote:

I once worked with a girl who had been living with her boyfriend since they had graduated high school (about two years). Normally, this girl was a little...well, I can't say that word here...but one day she came to work and she was uncharacteristically pleasant. Noticing that something was different about her character, I asked her what was going on and why she seemed to be in such a good mood. Her response was that she had fallen "in love" with her boyfriend again. This came with a long diatribe about how she had loved him all along, enjoyed being with him, and was certainly loyal and committed to him, but over the weekend they had found themselves in that passionate, giddy, can't keep their hands off each other kind of love...the kind of love that is glorified and romanticized in the media.

Often, in the way we use the terms "love" and "in love", we imply that love is the long term commitment that sometimes becomes mundane and routine. Love is usually accompanied by commitment and dedication. In love on the other hand, is usually a temporary (it can last for months) and is accompanied by passion, restlessness, and often an inability to think about anything else.

It is important for long term love relationships to have moments of in love. Otherwise, life gets too routine and loses the excitement and novelty that people so desperately crave (see "Dialectic Theory"). But love is necessary to carry you in the periods between being in love.

Regarding the fact that he thinks about being single or with other women (and, indeed, the fact that you feel attracted to his bandmate . . .), I think that's 100% normal when we feel hurt by our partners -- we instinctively start looking for someone more accepting and comforting. It's not a problem as long as we stop as soon as we notice it's happening, and try to remember that the grass is always greenest over the septic tank.

It isn't uncommon at all. I have a great marriage and I still find myself wondering if I could have a good relationship with other women. In fact, I could easily produce a list of potential mates is something were to happen with my wife. That's probably goign to weird out a lot of people, but it's just a matter of my recognizing traits and personalities that I am compatible with.

I also find other women attractive. This doesn't mean that I don't find my wife attractive, it just means that there is more than one attractive woman in the world (and for that I praise God). I'll even admit that I occasionally have dreams about other women. I don't feel guilty about it, because I can't exactly control it.

When problems arise, it's when we dwell on these thoughts and begin to desire them over what we've committed to. When we start saying, "I'd rather be with that person because ...." we tend to overlook that person's faults because we either don't know or recognize them, or we are just compensating for being irritated by our spouse's faults. This is an emotional response that, I believe, is acceptable to have so long as we recognize it is an emotional response and let our rational responses direct our actions.

Lastly, a communication thing....you say your husband doesn't give you the support you feel you need when you are upset. This is a difference in communication styles. Likely, when your husband is upset, he needs to walk away and cool off before he can deal with it. He's trying to give you the same courtesy he wants you to give him. Perhaps you should try discussing with him how each of you should respond to the other in times of frustration. You need to learn to speak each other's language.

I know a lot of books have been recommended, but I'm going to offer up one that I think is probably better than those recommended because it focuses less on psychology and more on communication. It's called You Just Don't Understand. The focus of the book is to explain the different communication styles men and women often exhibit and stresses the importance of learning the other person's language (as opposed to forcing the other to adopt your own).

[sensibility]

Often, in the way we use the terms "love" and "in love", we imply that love is the long term commitment that sometimes becomes mundane and routine. Love is usually accompanied by commitment and dedication. In love on the other hand, is usually a temporary (it can last for months) and is accompanied by passion, restlessness, and often an inability to think about anything else.

It is important for long term love relationships to have moments of in love. Otherwise, life gets too routine and loses the excitement and novelty that people so desperately crave (see "Dialectic Theory"). But love is necessary to carry you in the periods between being in love.

Yeah, I see what you're saying. I'm sad for any marriage that doesn't include moments of infatuation and besottedness. The problem comes when people think that a marriage relationship feels like that all the time, and that if it doesn't then they must not be meant for each other. It's a problem that some people expect romantic love to feel unlike anything else they've ever experienced, since most of the time it doesn't.

You can be giddily besotted without love, and you can have love without ever being giddily besotted. Neither is a particularly good place for a marriage to be. But I believe that if you can start from a foundation of basic, boring, everyday, humdrum love, you can probably rekindle the giddiness. I just don't think romantic love is as mystical or fragile as our culture sometimes assumes.

[skippy740]

Danni,

I've read your post and I think (based on this post alone) you have a good thing going! It just seems that YOU are disappointed based on some romantic fantasy that isn't real in this life. I'll try to point out what I mean.

I have been married over 6 years and love my husband. I have put my heart and soul into this marriage. He has been good to me, and still is... mostly. Like any other marriage, there have been hard times - but we have worked through them.

This is real life and no commentary needed.

The only problem that's continued through our marriage is that when I am upset over something he has said or done - he doesn't comfort me, or make me feel better. He leaves me alone till I am "over it". I don't get that. I'm not like that - if I ever said anything to offend him or that upset him - I would fix it and make him feel better.

During my first year of marriage, I would get angry, throw something and leave the house for a long drive. This was because I didn't have a great handle on my temper and I didn't want to stay in the house and break things and show even more of my ugly side.

My wife thought I was "leaving her" every time I left.

Now, if I was immediately upset about something that my wife did to me and I stayed, I think I'd get really annoyed if my wife didn't give me some space to think about what happened and why.

You are expecting your man and husband to act like a woman. He can't do that due to a huge handicap (he's a man!).

The other week, we had a pretty serious conversation and I bought this up. I asked him how he can bear to see me so upset if he is "in love with me". That's when he told me that he doesn't know if he's in love with me (he "loves" me, but not sure if he's "in love" with me). He also said that he does sometimes think about being single or what it would be like to be with someone else - especially when times are hard or we've had a disagreement. Is that normal? No matter what we go through, I don't think like that!! So I was pretty devastated at hearing all that. I have put so much into this - laid my emotions bare and he's always had this "guard" up emotionally.

To me, when I hear the words "in love" I think of that overwhelming feeling of infatuation at the beginning of a relationship. That time is over. Yes, you can relive some of it, but it's not the way we live in marriage.

Thoughts about being single or with someone else? Sure. I've thought those. My wife has too.

What's important is that he's SHARING HIS FEELINGS with you. And now you're hurt by them. I think he's had this "guard" up because you are emotionally fragile. If you get hurt by the thougths and feelings he shares, then he needs to guard them from you to protect you.

Anyways, since this, I have felt pretty depressed and just really genuinely sad. Sad that I give so much and get so little in return - and last night had a dream about his band mate - and his band mate is the sweetest guy ever! I love him (not like that!! lol), but am finding that I am attracted to him - to his sweet and fun personality. He's a really really nice fun guy and always gives me a hug and is awesome to me! A lotta fun, makes me laugh. My husband seems to have lost that part of him. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to feel like this - I want to be with my husband, I have given so much emotionally and feel like I can't give anymore love until I get some back - but him holding back, and not being sure he's "in love" with me - well I think I deserve more than that, don't I?

He IS giving back. Perhaps not in the "romantic" way that you want, but he IS. Marriage isn't always about having a great time. It's about a team that will weather through the storms and raise a family. This is a "you" storm. You need to work through this.

He hasn't cheated on you or committed any kind of adultery. He only SHARED HIS FEELINGS - and you're still hurt because of it.

Sorry this is so long... it's hard to get all the facts in. we're inactive at the moment - have all the good intentions there... but I know, that's not enough. I would love to be active - properly, fully, but how can I when I'm so unhappy with life at home.

No. You don't have all the good intentions right now. You have a vision of an "unrealistic fantasy" in your mind. You haven't sought to understand HIM and you are punishing him AND yourself for him opening up to you.

Life isn't perfect, but we strive. When a spouse opens up to you, no matter WHAT is brought up, you need to treat it with respect and not as a personal attack (unless it is).

I think you're being selfish with this unrealistic idea of what a marriage should be.

You are expecting your husband to act and think about marriage the way a woman would. That's not possible.

Might I suggest that if you want things to change... YOU have to change, not him. You can help inspire the changes that you want.

Amazon.com: The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage: Laura Schlessinger: Books

Amazon.com: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands: Laura Schlessinger: Books

[foreverafter]

You can never love someone all the time, despite the counter claims I expect I might get from saying that you 'certainly can'. You just cannot. It is completely natural for your husband to think about being with other women.

I am one who believes you can be madly in love almost all the time with your spouse if you put enough effort into serving their every wish before yourself. Very few people ever make that great of sacrifice for their spouse & so they never feel what it's like to retain those romantic feelings daily for the rest of their life that they had when dating & 1st married. Most people think it's not possible but it is & it is just our choice to be madly in love with our spouse or not. Pres. Hinckley said that marriage could be a more exsultant ecstacy than the human mind could concieve & he meant in this life. I know this is true, & you can be madly in love & enjoy those feelings no matter if your husband or wife has them for you yet or not. Such feelings of True Love are the most incredible thing in the world, it's something everyone wants but few are willing do what it takes to have it.

I agree that it is the "natural man" tendency to think about or look at other people outside of our marriage, but that is exactly what we have covenanted to avoid doing & must discipline ourselves against & overcome the "natural man' & become righteous & "holy". Mental or Emotional Adultery can bring consequences here & in eternity just as devastating to one's self & marriage as Physical Adultery. Thinking about other people is a huge temptation by the Adversary, especially when we are not getting our needs met by our spouse. But these thoughts are very dangerous & can become mental adultery, which I have seen causes people to lose the Spirit & become past feeling so easily just by their thoughts & eventually they rationalize committing physical adultery too or leave their spouse to seek greener pastures & lose their Exaltation. These feelings may be natural but natural is not righteous & not ok. We must keep our thoughts & mind & eyes on just our spouse in order to maintain the Spirit & the love in our marriage & be safe.

Edited June 7, 2009 by foreverafter

[Aesa]

Interesting post, foreverafter. I'm not going to turn this thread into a discussion of your points, though, because this is not an appropriate thread for such a discussion to ensue.

[Just_A_Guy]

The only problem that's continued through our marriage is that when I am upset over something he has said or done - he doesn't comfort me, or make me feel better. He leaves me alone till I am "over it". I don't get that. I'm not like that - if I ever said anything to offend him or that upset him - I would fix it and make him feel better.

But would his words and his presence really "fix it", Danni?

My marriage went through a phase very much like yours. Yes, I wasn't paying my wife proper attention--but I had kind of closed down, because experience had taught me that she really didn't want someone to "fix things" as much as she just wanted someone to vent to.

It's extremely hard to see your spouse going to pieces and knowing (or at least feeling like) there's not a darned thing you can do about it. Your husband's behavior is selfish, but do consider the possibility that it may be a defense mechanism. Both of you may need to adjust your expectations a little bit.

[Prodigal_Son]

...I think I still feel wary - not readily believing everything he says like I usually would.

You're in a tough spot. You want to protect yourself from further hurt... but at the same time, I can tell you that if you can't reach a point where you can fully forgive him and let this go - that you'll never get over it and will begrudge him this lapse forever.

...He said that he knows I am his soul mate and no matter what the future holds he will always love me and there could never be anyone else that knows him like I do or understands him like I do.

That's fine and dandy... but doesn't entitle him to neglect your needs. Don't forget that.

I want my husband and I to go back to church and continue doing the basics (if not just for our children's sake), he wants that too...

Most likely the BEST thing you could possibly do for your marriage. Eternal perspective is the key to weathering virtually every storm that blows in.

...but we both find it hard. Why? I have no idea! The basics are the hardest! I often wonder why they are called the "basics"!

They're hard b/c Satan knows how far those simple things can carry you (all the way to the Celestial Kingdom, worlds without end). The adversary throws EVERYTHING he can in your path to distract you, upset you, keep you from committing any of your resources to your spiritual progression.

Do NOT let him win.

[Misshalfway]

The only problem that's continued through our marriage is that when I am upset over something he has said or done - he doesn't comfort me, or make me feel better. He leaves me alone till I am "over it". I don't get that. I'm not like that - if I ever said anything to offend him or that upset him - I would fix it and make him feel better.

I kinda have to admit that I have had a little list like this with regards to my husband. And I found out as our marriage progressed that he had one about me. It was kinda yucky for us to have to wade thru. I mean, I had this expectation set for how he was "suppose" to act and all my reasons why anyone who is loving in any degree would act like that! And he has his list of what mom's and wives were "suppose to do" and all the when's and how's that made perfect sense to him. Both of us felt we were giving everything.... and that the other wasn't.

Well, for us, it has been an evolution of learning how to understand each other and the situation a little better like what kind of family systems we came from and how our attitudes about things were formed. And on top of that we both needed to use some better relationship tools instead of our expectations and our impatient demands to get what we both needed. Somethings we made a deliberate effort to change. Sometimes we wanted to meet a need and just kinda fumbled while trying to do it. Other things we just negotiated and accepted as "who we were and how we did things." And we have worked to make ourselves ok with it.

There must be something powerful about coming to these places in marriage and then working it all thru together. Sometimes I think that it was the actually working on things imperfectly together that reignited the love bug. Other times I see that it was really the growing up into new ways of thinking and dealing that has made the difference.

I guess what I am saying is that I think there is so much hope with these situations. If both people can get on the same page thru listening to each other (non defensively) and really empathizing and validating each other. Maybe you could start there...... On a day when you aren't fighting or your H isn't feeling he is in the dog house, you could open a conversation about ways your marriage is awesome and ways you feel it could get better and then give him a change to speak his mind too.

I think I remember from my college marriage classes that it ain't flowers and candy that really keep the passion alive -- its communication!

Edited June 7, 2009 by Misshalfway

[foreverafter]

I asked him how he can bear to see me so upset if he is "in love with me". That's when he told me that he doesn't know if he's in love with me (he "loves" me, but not sure if he's "in love" with me). He also said that he does sometimes think about being single or what it would be like to be with someone else - especially when times are hard or we've had a disagreement. Is that normal? No matter what we go through, I don't think like that!! So I was pretty devastated at hearing all that. I have put so much into this - laid my emotions bare and he's always had this "guard" up emotionally.

Normal? maybe for most marriages, but right? Never. It is normal that you would be very sad & hurt over hearing these kind of things & having him ignor your pain. For it is emotional abuse for him to say such things & not be as "in love" with you as he should & be thinking about other women & to ignor your pain & emotional needs. It is completely his problem & one he must realize & overcome & he might try to blame his actions on you, but there is no excuse for his lack of feelings for you or thoughts of other women or cold treatment of you. Men are required to love their wife with a True Love before they can ever expect any love in return. For it was his promise of such enduring love that caused you to agree to marry him in the 1st place. Though a righteous wife would keep her covenants & give love anyway even if he didn't deserve it.

Of course you may also be doing something hurtful that you need to change. But that would not give him an excuse to hurt or neglect you. Most of us grew up around & were taught some form of abuse & so most people have tendencies to abuse in some way until they stop to think about it & correct their behavior. Such abuse is so common that it is not always seen as abuse. Your needs & desires must come 1st in his life, not his own feelings & desires. He is breaking his marriage covenants to say & do hurtful things to you & not choose to be madly in love with you & put you 1st. He has complete control over being in love & is choosing not to be.

Unfortunately this type of abuse, as in all types, almost always just gets worse as time goes on, unless he can realize what he is doing is wrong & repent. But I wouldn't tell him that what he is doing is "abuse" for that is usually too heavy for him to hear & could make things much worse. Just express "what you want to happen", not what you don't like that is happening. Good men live to make their wives happy but often don't know just how to do it. Try to teach him how you would like to be treated & help him meet your emotional needs by asking him to do specific things that you need that would fill this need. He probably does not know how to do what you want so you need to be very specific & ask gently & lovingly, & not punish him if he doesn't do it. Our requests must come without expectations, for sometimes it takes them a while to be willing to do it. We must be patient as spouses & love them anyway. If you show him by example & love & serve him as much as you can this will help him listen & respond to your requests. Make a list of 10 things of what you think "his" idea of an ideal wife would be & do or whatever he would request or want that would make him happier & try to do those things one by one as much as you can. Also help him serve you more by asking him to do things for you, that you like & need & want, etc. If he responds to your requests give him abundant gratitude & he will more likely do more for you. The more he serves you the more he will fall back in love with you. And the best part of all is that the more you serve him no matter what he does, the more you will fall even deeper in love with him & get to enjoy that incredible high, which in turn helps you have more patience with him til he catches on to doing it for you.

Also, see if he will pray with you at least once a day, that is probably the most powerful thing you can do as a couple.

Also, it's vital that you spend as much time as possible together each day. The more the better. Do everything together as much as he will let that happen & not be bugged by it. He will almost surely get more used to this & start wanting to be with you more & ask you to go places with him. This can work even with very hardened spouses. Lots of time together is very important & is usually how we fell in love in the 1st place & what it takes to stay in love, while also putting the other's happiness & desires ahead of our own each day.

It's impossible for a marriage to endure or to have True Love for our spouse without Heavenly Father's help. He gives us the ability & guidance to love & serve our spouse no matter what. And if you have True Love & you include Heavenly Father in helping you help your husband & marriage, then it's impossible for your marriage to fail. It just takes one spouse who has True Love to save the marriage.

Edited June 7, 2009 by foreverafter

[danni]

Thanks for all the input - I do appreciate it and am always open to your thoughts, comments and advice. Most of all - thank you for taking the time to post them here. Of course, as you would expect, there are some things that I don't agree with - and that's ok :) I still respect your opinion, and thank you for sharing it. But there are some things here that have also helped me to see things from a different perspective. Also I might be able to add a bit more info so as to clarify things. I write as honestly as I can - so that you can get an honest view of the situation - I'm not here to put across a rose-coloured view of my marriage so that everybody feels sorry for me. I don't want that - and that won't help me one bit!. I want honest opinions and thoughts that can HELP me. So... here we go... :)

Danni, from my experience with people, what I'd say your husband is doing is holding onto a very big ego. In other words, when something is wrong he doesn't see it that way because he is 'looking after number 1' and as long as he is fine... then everything is fine.

This has been a bit of a contention point throughout our marriage. There's a very big selfish part of him - but I knew that when I married him, and love him in despite of that. I'm not perfect either. I'm ok if HE chooses the movie, or decides what we are going to do that day, or makes predominantly most of the decisions. But over the years, I have learned when to stand my ground - and he is good about it when I do. I tend to "pick my battles" if you know what I mean

It is completely natural for your husband to think about being with other women.

I'm sorry, I entirely disagree with this. You see, in my opinion, every sin you commit starts with the "thought". If you entertain that thought and think about other women - then isn't that a sin already?? Maybe by "natural" you mean 'worldly' - in the worldly way it may be natural.... not in the eyes of the church i wouldn't think..... and certainly not in my eyes. Once again, just my opinion.

[danni]

It is important for long term love relationships to have moments of in love. Otherwise, life gets too routine and loses the excitement and novelty that people so desperately crave (see "Dialectic Theory"). But love is necessary to carry you in the periods between being in love.

Ah I love this theory... thank you for sharing!! Yes I think I agree with this.

Lastly, a communication thing....you say your husband doesn't give you the support you feel you need when you are upset. This is a difference in communication styles. Likely, when your husband is upset, he needs to walk away and cool off before he can deal with it. He's trying to give you the same courtesy he wants you to give him. Perhaps you should try discussing with him how each of you should respond to the other in times of frustration. You need to learn to speak each other's language.

You're right, there is different communication skills. His is to ignore the problem and hope it goes away... mine is to sort it out. Every time when this has been discussed between us, we agree that he shouldn't ignore me or my needs at a time like that, and he says he will change that next time - he does have an issue with pride (don't most guys!) so I do think that is a big part of it. But each time it happens.... nothing changes. So perhaps reading one of these book suggestions might be worthwhile.

[danni]

You are expecting your man and husband to act like a woman. He can't do that due to a huge handicap (he's a man!).

When he says or does something that hurts me... it cannot be justified how he ignores me, and expects it to just "blow over". I wasn't bought up in the church (in fact, my family are against it), but nevertheless I was bought up with good morals. My Mum taught me to "treat people how you want to be treated"... and that is what I try to live by. I don't care if he's "male" and that's the reason he acts like this. Regardless of whether you are male or female you need to learn to respect someone's feelings. If you are wrong, drop your pride and apologise. If you say something hurtful, apologise.

What's important is that he's SHARING HIS FEELINGS with you. And now you're hurt by them. I think he's had this "guard" up because you are emotionally fragile. If you get hurt by the thougths and feelings he shares, then he needs to guard them from you to protect you.

Ok it seems that there's been a bit of confusion - my fault sorry, maybe I didn't clarify enough in my first post. That talk we had - was literally about breaking up. The things he said (regarding loving me but not being 'in love', thinking of other people, being single etc), he was pretty much saying that he's here because he has no choice (i.e he doesn't want to leave our children, can't afford to go out and get his own place etc), so it's just like he's here not for me - but cos he has no choice.

So yeah, that is what is hurtful. Here I was thinking that, while we have our tough times, we love each other and are always going to be together no matter what etc... and here he is thinking bout being on his own - maybe even wishing! That is why I feel the foundations of our marriage have been shaken. Because we were on two different playing fields and I didn't even realise it!! I thought, for the most part, that things were pretty dandy! So I'm sure you can understand why I was so shocked by these revelations... and hurt.

No. You don't have all the good intentions right now. You have a vision of an "unrealistic fantasy" in your mind. You haven't sought to understand HIM and you are punishing him AND yourself for him opening up to you.

I don't have a vision of 'unrealistic fantasy'. I just want love, compassion, respect. I don't think that is too much to ask. I think it's the basics of a good marriage. When you're wrong, admit it. If you say something hurtful, apologise.

[danni]

I agree that it is the "natural man" tendency to think about or look at other people outside of our marriage, but that is exactly what we have covenanted to avoid doing & must discipline ourselves against & overcome the "natural man' & become righteous & "holy". Mental or Emotional Adultery can bring consequences here & in eternity just as devastating to one's self & marriage as Physical Adultery. Thinking about other people is a huge temptation by the Adversary, especially when we are not getting our needs met by our spouse.

Thank you so much!!! This is exactly right!

[danni]

But would his words and his presence really "fix it", Danni?

My marriage went through a phase very much like yours. Yes, I wasn't paying my wife proper attention--but I had kind of closed down, because experience had taught me that she really didn't want someone to "fix things" as much as she just wanted someone to vent to.

It's extremely hard to see your spouse going to pieces and knowing (or at least feeling like) there's not a darned thing you can do about it. Your husband's behavior is selfish, but do consider the possibility that it may be a defense mechanism. Both of you may need to adjust your expectations a little bit.

Thanks for your point there, the times I'm talking about are when he says something (or does something) that is insulting or hurtful. It's like he has too much pride to bother to fix it, or rather, make it right. 'Fix it' is probably the wrong term. 'Make it right' would probably better suit this situation.

The thing is, if I say or do something offensive to him - most of the time I don't even realise I have done it - but the minute I see that I have done that, I reassure him that:

a) he either misunderstood what I was saying/doing; or

b) I was wrong in saying/doing that, it was heat of the moment and I'm sorry.

I guess somehow we will find a way to work through this... I hope so anyway.