Marriage

[blusun7]

I have a woman i have been with. She is beautiful,loving,caring ,twin etc... she really is a great person. Marriage has been coming up all the time and i kind of say"yeah well get married someday" but i feel like im say it to make her be quiet. This has been in the last year now. Her twin sis got married and now it is getting hot and heavy and im going with it but in my heart i just want to say stop. I do love her very much but i dont know if this is cold feet or what.

I have prayed but i feel like my emotions are getting involved and plus Has anyone gone through something like this.... I have been thinking of a person on and off in my head but i havent talked to her in a long time,3years, but lately she has popped in my head and i dont know why? I feel compelled to say hi never had the urge but lately it is stronger.I dont think it is an escape but i prayed to get be with someone who will make me happy and grow.Basically finding the right person and living in the right area for a family close to my family.This woman lives in AZ. Close to my hometown of Tx.Literally i have never thought of her like this she just recently popped in my head.

I want to get married very soon and i want it to be with the right person. I just cant help that i cant make up my mind and it is frustrating. Does god want me to marry the girl im with or did he answer a prayer and wants me to contact the other girl?Isnt that cheating is what i tell myself.

Can you see where my dilemma comes in?

Im not bored with my relationship. Im just wanted to get married soon and start a family but what am i to do?

i know my aunt and uncle who are members where about to get married with other people and they soon realized they were right for eachother and married eachother and they have gone on for over 25 years.

I just want to make the right choice and im struggling. I dont have any family up here but my dad but my dad just says trust in the spirit or in the lord but he does say he is not the best person for advice cause he has been divorced. I dont want to be divorced. the perosn i marry is the person i marry. That is my goal and what i will work towards.

help

[Soul_Searcher]

Why do you want to get married 'very soon'. Whats the rush? We in the church look for a person to fill the marriage, wheras we should fall in love with someone and want marriage with them because we love them so much. It sounds like you are going about it the wrong way.

If you are thinking of someone else it could be that you are looking for an excuse to end the relationship. If you are this unsure I would not consider marriage. It would not be fair on your girlfriend.

I wonder why you are so desperate to get married though. That feeling alone could cause you to jump into a marriage for all the wrong reasons. Slow down, take your time, and have a heart to heart with your girlfriend.

[NeuroTypical]

Yeah, it's hard to figure out which one is the right one. I personally fasted for 3 days and showed up to my patriarchical blessing appt with an engagement ring to find out what the Lord thought of it.

Not sure if something similar would work for you, but at 12+yrs and counting, it worked for me!

[Wingnut]

Why do you want to get married 'very soon'. Whats the rush? We in the church look for a person to fill the marriage, wheras we should fall in love with someone and want marriage with them because we love them so much. It sounds like you are going about it the wrong way.

If you are thinking of someone else it could be that you are looking for an excuse to end the relationship. If you are this unsure I would not consider marriage. It would not be fair on your girlfriend.

I wonder why you are so desperate to get married though. That feeling alone could cause you to jump into a marriage for all the wrong reasons. Slow down, take your time, and have a heart to heart with your girlfriend.

While I agree with everything else in your post, I have to respectfully disagree with the bolded part. I am not ignorant of the fact that there are many who do seek marriage because they're "old" (24, by many LDS standards) or because their mission president said so, but it's not the majority.

Yeah, it's hard to figure out which one is the right one. I personally fasted for 3 days and showed up to my patriarchical blessing appt with an engagement ring to find out what the Lord thought of it.

Not sure if something similar would work for you, but at 12+yrs and counting, it worked for me!

I'm confused...did you propose to the Patriarch?

[foreverafter]

If you are having thoughts & feelings for or desires to see or be with someone else other than your fiance, then you aren't ready to be married. It would not be fair to your fiance. If you can't be faithful in your thoughts & feelings during the engagement period then you will probably have trouble doing so in marriage too. You must have no other desires or thoughts for anyone other than her & feel that you can't live without her. Don't rush into marriage if you are not sure. Go date this other woman so you will know for sure one way or another. If your present fiance is the right one, she will be there after you get all other girls out of your system & head.

This life is a long hard road & your happiness will depend in large part on if you make the right choice in marriage. A poor choice in a marriage partner can put you in misery the rest of your life, especially if you don't consider divorce an option & you just endure to the end, which I believe is the right thing to do but it's very hard. So choose well & don't rush & make sure you can really give your whole heart, mind & body to her.

Edited June 10, 2009 by foreverafter

[Misshalfway]

If you are having thoughts & feelings for or desires to see or be with someone else other than your fiance, then you aren't ready to be married. It would not be fair to your fiance. You must have no other desires or thoughts for anyone other than her & feel you can't live without her. Don't rush into marriage if you are not sure. Go date this other woman so you will know for sure one way or another. If your present fiance is the right one, she will be there after you get all other girls out of your system & head.

This life is a long hard road & your happiness will depend in large part on if you make the right choice in marriage. A poor choice in a marriage partner can put you in misery the rest of your life, especially if you don't consider divorce an option & you just endure to the end, which I believe is the right thing to do. So choose well & don't rush.

You really think his fiance would be there after all the other girls were out of his system?????? Oh please.

[beefche]

I'm curious Blun, were your earlier issues with your girlfriend resolved? http://www.lds.net/forums/advice-board/19523-convert-question.html

[Elgama]

two lovely quotes by Spencer W Kimball come to mind

"'Soul mates' are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price."

and

“Well, don't just pray to marry the one you love; Instead, pray to love the one you marry.”

Love is a choice we make as Latter Day Saints we are taught a different idea of love by our prophets. Love really is only there for when you don't like each other very much

-Charley

[Guest]

Coming from a lofty 12 years of marriage, I can tell you that thoughts of other women do not just disappear all of a sudden because you happened to decide to get married. If you're confused about it now, you will be confused even after you've decided to marry somebody. And that, my friend, is the recipe for all these divorces all over the place. Because, when the going gets rough, there will always be this nagging thought in your head, "Man, I should have married that other girl!"...

I had a boyfriend of 8 years and then we decided to get married. 1 week before the ceremony, I backed out. That was tough. Messed everybody up. My parents flew from the Philippines to Ohio to attend the wedding that never happened! 5 years later, I married my husband and we've been married 12 years now.

So what happened? I was not ready to get married. A thought occurred to me - "What happens if 5 years down the line, I meet this wonderful guy who is much better than this guy I'm going to marry? Wouldn't that be a tragedy!". And right then and there, I knew I can't marry yet.

When my husband and I decided to get married, the same thing went through my head. What happens if I meet somebody better - more attractive, nicer, more money, who loves me, etc.? And I answered - oh well, nice meeting ya! And that's when I knew I was ready.

If I would have married my ex-boyfriend, would I have been miserable? Probably not. We'd probably have a successful marriage with a nice family and everything - he was a great guy. But, that wasn't the decision I made. I decided to marry my husband.

So, the thing is, Love is really not just a feeling - although that has a lot to do with it. It is ultimately a LIFELONG DECISION. And the tricky part is - you have to make sure you and the girl make the same decision.

Edited June 10, 2009 by anatess
typo

[blusun7]

Yes Beefche i did have that problem but we broke up for a week and then she started listening to things i was saying about the church. Then got back together. i feel like i am rushing it or postponing it i cannot decide but really deep down inside im unsure and i feel like im just not doing things right and i ll never know who is right for me.

I just dont know how i would tell my girlfreind that i dont want to get married soon and to stop harassing me about it. Ladies how could i do this? Im not a pig and i dont like to play the field but right now im not sure if im ready or unsure of things.. Im i wrong for loving someone but not letting them go i tried but she cannot let go of me. We met eachother at a time when we needed eachother cause we both go cheated on.

Really what im i to do.

I dont think im taking an escape route cause i really dont feel that is happening. When it comes down to getting married i feel the brakes. I just dont think it is normal.

I dont know what to do im getting confused.

I post different things on here cause i can depend on good answers and truth. My life keeps going on and i need advice.You know...

[Soul_Searcher]

Coming from a lofty 12 years of marriage, I can tell you that thoughts of other women do not just disappear all of a sudden because you happened to decide to get married.

Of course not, but thats not the issue here. My husband can walk down the road and look at an attractive woman and think, 'she's attractive' Its if he was thinking 'hmm I'd like a bit of that, maybe I can sneak out later, or damn she's hotter than my wife' is when you have a problem.

When my husband and I decided to get married, the same thing went through my head. What happens if I meet somebody better - more attractive, nicer, more money, who loves me, etc.? And I answered - oh well, nice meeting ya! And that's when I knew I was ready.

That thought has never even entered my head once! I personally think that I couldnt have possibly married anyone better than my husband. I feel so so lucky to have him and sometimes marvel at my good fortune. The only time I think of what it would be like to have married someone else is to thank my lucky stars and I shudder at the thought of not finding my DH and marrying someone else instead!

blusun7-If you are confused and dont know what to do, TALK TO YOUR FIANCEE. Explain how you are feeling, and be prepared that she may be hurt, upset and not want to continue the relationship. I think you are going to have to make some tough decisions and you are putting it off because it will be hard and people will get hurt. It might suck, but you have to do the right thing.

[beefche]

Blu,

There is a scripture that has helped me tremendously when it comes to making decisions. It's D&C 9:7-9:

7 Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me.

8 But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.

9 But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is sacred save it be given you from me.

This scripture was to Oliver C. as he wanted to translate. I understand this scripture to mean (for me) that in order to make a decision, I have to decide myself. I use my brain and actions and pray to come to a decision, then pray saying in essence, "Lord, I've decided A. Is that a good decision for me? Do you approve?" If the answer is yes, then I typically feel peace or a sense of "rightness." If the answer is no or not yet, then I typically feel unsettled, confused, doubting, etc.

That's how I feel--you may or may not feel the same. For something as important as marriage, I think the Lord (if you are living right and doing your part) will give you a clear answer. To me, it sounds like you have very many doubts about this girl. That doesn't mean she is a bad person, you are a bad person, or whatever. It is what it is.

The best thing to do is decide. You've dated this girl long enough to know if marriage between the 2 of you is right. If you don't think it is, then the best thing to do is break it off with her--completely. Don't drag her around with "I love you, but don't think we should get married. Maybe I'll change my mind, but let's date others to find out." Women need to know where the relationship is and it isn't fair to her to keep her on the line while you search the waters.

Take time to pray sincerely about this. If you are temple endowed, then take time to go to the temple. If you are not temple endowed, then pretend you are and go away for a couple of hours by yourself where you can be completely alone and take that time to ponder and pray.

[Guest]

That thought has never even entered my head once! I personally think that I couldnt have possibly married anyone better than my husband. I feel so so lucky to have him and sometimes marvel at my good fortune. The only time I think of what it would be like to have married someone else is to thank my lucky stars and I shudder at the thought of not finding my DH and marrying someone else instead!

Yep! That's what I felt AFTER I decided to get married. Counting myself all kinds of fool for having doubted it in the first place.

[Soul_Searcher]

Some apprehension is natural. I felt I wanted to run away at one point, before we were even engaged. I think its a normal reaction to something life changing, but it doesnt mean that you dont want it, you are just nervous at the changes to come.

[blusun7]

yeah i think that is what i need is time to myself. She is around 24 seven and gets upset if she is not with me. I love to be alone. i have since my mom pasted at a young age. Kinda of like a mechanism for being alone. there is a sense of peace when im alone. I am able to think.May be that is all i need is to be alone for awhile. I love her very much but i don't think she is the one for me but if i were to stay she would treat me great but she doesn't see things the way i do. That doesn't make our relationship bad but i guess the honesty im giving to you all i wish she would give to me.

This is what is happening. She is pressuring marriage on me cause of her twin sisters. We have been together 3 years.I dont feel compelled to marry yet. We have a great relationship but when marriage idea comes into play i put the brakes on. Kinda of like Kate Perry says"you hot then cold"

Im breaking under the pressure and want to say you know what im out.i feel i should be the one to ask out of my own heart. I feel like she is forcing the relationship into the direction she wants(woman have a good way of getting what they want)and it is pushing me away cause it is not what i want(i think i just answered myself on that last sentence that is crazy woot woot)

Anywho but with that said Let me tell you all one more thing.

I had a dream along time ago that i had kids and was playing in a pool and my wife was holding one of two kids outside the pool and here is the kicker..she was blonde.

That other girl that i told you about is blonde.

We have kept in touch since high school but but somehow we cant seem to get close enough to date again in our grown up state of mind.

Just thought i throw that in there.

I really think you all are right. i need down time from my current relationship and sitting her down and let her know what is up. I hate when people cry though and get mad and act like it is all my fault. Ohh well its got to happen someday right?

[desert_fox]

Why not just talk about all the concerns you have with her?

Whenever I feel like my girlfriend and I's relationship is getting sorta stuck due to worries and things, I just talk about the things that are troubling me with her. It's not always easy, but it's a good thing to get used to sooner rather than later.

We're also looking to get married....buuut from a financial standpoint that's kind of impossible at the moment.

[Islander]

yeah i think that is what i need is time to myself. She is around 24 seven and gets upset if she is not with me. I love to be alone. i have since my mom pasted at a young age. Kinda of like a mechanism for being alone. there is a sense of peace when im alone. I am able to think.May be that is all i need is to be alone for awhile. I love her very much but i don't think she is the one for me but if i were to stay she would treat me great but she doesn't see things the way i do. That doesn't make our relationship bad but i guess the honesty im giving to you all i wish she would give to me.

This is what is happening. She is pressuring marriage on me cause of her twin sisters. We have been together 3 years.I dont feel compelled to marry yet. We have a great relationship but when marriage idea comes into play i put the brakes on. Kinda of like Kate Perry says"you hot then cold"

Im breaking under the pressure and want to say you know what im out.i feel i should be the one to ask out of my own heart. I feel like she is forcing the relationship into the direction she wants(woman have a good way of getting what they want)and it is pushing me away cause it is not what i want(i think i just answered myself on that last sentence that is crazy woot woot)

Anywho but with that said Let me tell you all one more thing.

I had a dream along time ago that i had kids and was playing in a pool and my wife was holding one of two kids outside the pool and here is the kicker..she was blonde.

That other girl that i told you about is blonde.

We have kept in touch since high school but but somehow we cant seem to get close enough to date again in our grown up state of mind.

Just thought i throw that in there.

I really think you all are right. i need down time from my current relationship and sitting her down and let her know what is up. I hate when people cry though and get mad and act like it is all my fault. Ohh well its got to happen someday right?

You should terminate that relationship as soon as you can so that BOTH of you can move on. You are prolonging the inevitable in a way, by not being honest with her, you nurture hopes and dreams that will not come true. The relationship seems lopsided, according to your description, and you are not really happy.

Maybe you should go to a pro and let her/him mediate the breakup but you need to face up to the reality of the situation. And you need to man up and handle the situation. Not doing the right thing because it makes you feel like a villain for making her cry is not a mature position. Sorry if I sound blunt, diplomacy is not my forte.

Edited July 6, 2009 by Islander

[Zurama]

Judging by your description of the relationship, it's obvious that you don't love her and have no intention of marrying her.

Do the decent thing and let her go.

Also, let me give you another piece of advice.......stop looking back at that relationship from high school and start looking forward. I've been there. Don't look back, unless you can learn something from it.

[spirettedotter]

If you don't know what to do, DON'T get married until you know for sure. Tell your fiance' you care very much for her, and think you want a life with her (if that's what you feel) but you just aren't ready yet. Be honest and kind. Tell her it won't be fair to her if you marry her until you are sure and ready. If you can't talk to this girl honestly (whether it's your inability or the dynamics of your relationship), you sure shouldn't be marrying her.

Ask yourself if you can live with this woman forever. Ask yourself if you can live without her. Which feels better or worse? PRAY about your decision. Talk to a trusted church leader. Can you go to the temple? Praying at the temple could help you know what you want, when it's the right time, and what is right for you.

Consider getting counseling about your decision. But most of all, don't go forward with marriage to anyone until you know with certainty you are ready to make the committment to her for the rest of eternity, and work hard to make it work.

Edited October 20, 2009 by spirettedotter
typo

[FairChild]

Hurt a little or hurt a lot? To break up now would hurt a little, to break up after marraige especially if there are children involved would hurt a lot.

Some people recharge themselves through solitude and some recharge themselves in groups of people. You just may need some space to think and recharge. Either way is ok, it just is.

[Hemidakota]

I just want to make the right choice and im struggling. I dont have any family up here but my dad but my dad just says trust in the spirit or in the lord but he does say he is not the best person for advice cause he has been divorced. I dont want to be divorced. the perosn i marry is the person i marry. That is my goal and what i will work towards.

help

I concur with your father's wisdom....

[Hemidakota]

I just want to make the right choice and im struggling. I dont have any family up here but my dad but my dad just says trust in the spirit or in the lord but he does say he is not the best person for advice cause he has been divorced. I dont want to be divorced. the perosn i marry is the person i marry. That is my goal and what i will work towards.

help

I concur with your father's wisdom....divorse only comes when either one has transgressed enough and refuses to repent, or a partner refuses to work things out.

[Ragnar]

I have prayed but i feel like my emotions are getting involved

Read

Doctrine and Covenants 9:8

Trust me, if you get this, it's not your emotions! Your emotions can't make your chest burn within you!

[blusun7]

i really appreciate your input. I think and pray and i want to marry her but then my mind thinks what will people think of you and your family and i pull back. Is this normal? I feel like i would let every down but I mean i dont think god would do that. Love is love but what if my love would get her in the church but what if wont?

Maybe i just need to make a decision. I do love her. I want to be with her. I think the only reason i havent married her is because im afraid of how my family will percieve me. I didnt go on a mission and marrying outside the church would put more on me. You know?

[Ragnar]

Love is love but what if my love would get her in the church but what if wont?

marrying outside the church would put more on me.

Oh..I didn't know she wasn't a member of the church!!

I would try to get her in to the church before even thinking of saying yes to 'Will you merry me?' After all, we're commanded to be married in the temple for ever, and not 'until death do you depart.' Then there's....

I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.” (1 Ne. 3:7)

So if she's the one the Lord wants you to merry, he'll prepare a way to get her in to the church, AND you'll get the bosom feeling to let you know she's the one you should merry.

If you have a temple recommend, go to the temple to the Celestial room and pray. You can even actually ask to get either the bosom feeling or stupor of thought.

Edited November 11, 2009 by Ragnar