Now I am truely scared


ServiceDogHandler
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AS you know I am in hiding from my Abusive addicted(drugs, gambling, drinking) Husband. I moved into hiding while he was in jail in April. I have done everything I can to ensure that he could not find me. For my safety. Well I recieved an email from his girlfriend last night. The stuff in it is not shocking to me but she is obviously scared. She says that he almost got her kids taken away by social services, that he has been lieing to her and stealing from her. Boy does that sound familiar. That he yells and screams at her and her 4 kids when he doesn't get his way, that he tries to control her every move, That he is stalking me and knows where I live. Even lists my location. She states that she is scared of him and that she is scared that if he finds out she contacted me that he will hurt her and the kids. She kicked him out but he won't leave the property. This I understand completely because he would camp out in my driveway when he was kicked out. She begs me to contact her. I feel so bad for her and her children but I can't risk contacting her. Though I know exactly what she is going through. I have called the police though. THey sent an officer over for the email. And I hope they will send some police to her home to make sure she is safe. I also sent a copy of the email to my lawyer and to the social worker dealing with the case. That is all I can do. I hope she can get out of this situation before he can hurt her and her kids the way he hurt me and my kids.

The scary part is he has been so persistant in finding me. Up to 3 weeks ago he even called the police to try and get my address. And now somehow he has it. The police, my therapist, even the womens shelter have all told me that I should be very concerned. That his pattern is showing that he will try to get to me to hurt me. I am truely scared. The no contact order means nothing to him. He has broken through windows and doors to get to me before. I have no idea what I am suppose to do.

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mods if this is inappropriate please delete.

have you considered buying and learning how to use a gun?

touch base with the local battered women sheltrer and set up the safe house and escape plan.

continue to lay a paper trail with the police. in case you do have to use said gun.

your plan is to get good and MAD and take action. no victim.

the other lady is on her own spiritual path and not your problem sorry.

I would be laying in wait for the predator to come through the window. here in texas if someone comes in your house you shoot first and ask questions later. i would also ask friends to stay with me in shifts.

Edited by ladykemma2
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Thanks for the suggestion but I am totally agianst having or using guns. I have two very curious active young boys. I am not taking the chance of having a gun in the house with them.

I have been attending the womens shelter battered women support group for close to a year already. And I called them this morning. They told me to get a bag ready and near the front door. THey told me they have a bed ready for me if I end up needing a safe place. That all I have to do is call them and they will send a cab for me. I have scheduled an appointment with them for Monday to set up a plan of action if he shows up.

I agree his girlfriend is on her own path. But I still feel bad for her. Though I will not contact her. I know the position she is in. No woman or child deserves what my husband does to them.

Agian thanks for the advice.

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Thanks for the suggestion but I am totally agianst having or using guns. I have two very curious active young boys. I am not taking the chance of having a gun in the house with them.

I have been attending the womens shelter battered women support group for close to a year already. And I called them this morning. They told me to get a bag ready and near the front door. THey told me they have a bed ready for me if I end up needing a safe place. That all I have to do is call them and they will send a cab for me. I have scheduled an appointment with them for Monday to set up a plan of action if he shows up.

I agree his girlfriend is on her own path. But I still feel bad for her. Though I will not contact her. I know the position she is in. No woman or child deserves what my husband does to them.

Agian thanks for the advice.

If you could have someone move in with yu as somsort of roomate would be very benificial, and make sure he knows that other adult people are there.:)
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I just talked to my landlord. Whom I had already made aware of the situation earlier before he found me. And my landlord said he is going to try and find me a new place to live among his other rentals. I really like this landlord. He has no tolerance at all for a man who abuses women or children. I am keeping my fingers crossed that he can find me a new place soon.

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So ServiceDogHandler, if a gun for self defense won't work for your situation, have you considered changing your name to ProtectionDogHandler?

Our 12 yr old Rottweiler is now content to sleep in the sun, but in his prime he would have turned any stalker-turned-home-invader into ambulance fodder. And he's been the perfect dog for our kids to play with. Back in his prime, he had every handle on him tugged by toddlers, eyes poked, jumped on, he loves them.

Just a thought...

LM

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I LOVE Rotties. THey are one of my favorite breeds. My dog is a Service dog. She is my medical alert dog. She goes every where with me. She can not be protection dog trained. Because if she acts aggressive she can't be my service dog anymore. Thanks for the suggestion though. If she was not a service dog then I would consider it.

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You have a tough situation, but unless the police know about this they cannot be alerted. They should receive a copy of the email. Also the court that you had the order from should get a copy. and the district attorney.

Next, if you are dead set against having a firearm, you have further assisted him in making you a victim. That means that your relationship with this guy is typified by "enabling" on your part. You see, a fire arm is NOT a risk to your kids, no matter how rambunctious, because it never leaves your hip. It is not put in a drawer, it is not carried in your purse, and it is never ever "Locked up" just in case. It is on your person ALWAYS.

Some jurisdictions have to have a "reason" to issue a concealed carry license or permit. Yours is EXACTLY the correct "reason" .

However, your mind set will obviate this factor. It is too late to become a self protector, since it requires much practice, and much attitude adjustment.

You will have to wait, while he is beating down your door, for the police to arrive. As they say, "when seconds count, the police are minutes away."

You should understand another "real world: fact of life: domestic disturbances are the least liked call on the part of police and medics. They know they have a higher likelyhood of getting injured or killed on a domestic disturbance that on any other type of call.

They often do a "slow code 3" or :'wait until they settle it" type response. This may not be true in all places, but it happened in enough places I worked to know it wasn't just an anecdote.

Relocation is a good idea, but consider what will happen if you leave the jurisdiction of the court. Just something to consider.

It is difficult to know exactly what is going on just from your posts, but from long years of experience in the ER and on the street, these things I mention are often the case.

Final thought. It is extremely dangerous to get all your advise from the internet.

If you truly fear for your life RIGHT NOW, then get out. Take the kids to the shelter, and get out. Talk tot he police, now. Another unfortunate fact of life in these cases,is that when things reach THIS STAGE, the next step is for the jerk to take the woman's life.

If you really think you are in danger, GET THE HELL OUT now. And call the police.

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If you had read my post you would have seen that I did call the police. That they have been invovled since the very first time I charged him for assualting me orver 2 years ago. I have also forwarded the email to my lawyer, his probation officer and to the social worker dealing with the case. My landlord is looking to find me a new residence in one of his other buildings. Still within the same city. I am not leaving the city because the police, my lawyer and my therapist and the womens shelter all say I am safest here. Since he is well known, I am 2 1/2 hours away from the town he lives in, all my support networks are set up here and so on. I have been attending a domestic violence group for women survivors at the womens shelter for the past year. The police told me thursday night that I am doing everything right in protecting myself.

As for refusing to get a gun that is not me enabling him. Not everyone is comfortable handling a gun and I am not comfortable with one. I am doing everything I was advise by the police and the womens shelter told me to do to protect myself.

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I have a pepper spray keychain. They are like 15 bucks and come in a little pouch (your kids won't get into it.)

If you aren't comfortable carrying a gun, do that instead. Then at least if you are attacked you can hose the jerk down and get a good run on him.

A friend of mine was dealing with this exact situation almost a year ago. I posted about in on these boards. She is till hiding from her husband, but she has taken measures to protect herself and feels secure.

Don't respond to this woman's emails. How do you KNOW it's her? It could be your husband using her email to gain access to you. I wouldn't put it past him. Or he could be forcing her to send the emails. Don't you dare contact her, you put yourself and your kids into danger.

Can you put some sort of camera out on your lawn? That way you can catch your husband sneaking about, and send it to the cops? Then they can actually arrest the guy and get you safe.

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I am with Rachel, get yourself some pepper spray. I also have pepper spray in my purse and a small air horn. Though the refill cartridges for the air horn are hard to find.

The air horn is from when I used to walk the woods on my ten acres in Oregon. It would scare the raccoons (they do attack), black bears and bob cats away from me.

I found it also scares and repels humans. I am fortunate in that my hearing aids have an automatic turn off- to block the sound of sirens. It also blocks the air horn.

I wouldn't go with a firearm either. I did do that at one time, but I ended up shooting my own car! At least I didn't hit anything vital, just the drivers door.

Pepper spray that has dye in it and an air horn. Change your email address, and don't use any form of your old address in the new either.

When I first got an email address it was from yahoo. It would not accept my password, so it suggested one. I wrote it down because it was extremely funny. I didn't use it, finally came up with my own.

When I needed an email address name for security reasons I chose the password that Yahoo suggested. It was only 8 characters long, then I also let Yahoo choose my password.

That was nearly 10 years ago. I still have that account. I still use it for security things. Like when I order items via the internet, or register to use real estate sites, etc. It gets clogged up with spam and lurkers, my 'real' email account doesn't.

See if your email program has a bounce feature. If it does, then start bouncing unwanted emails.

If you have a land line phone, even if it is unlisted there are still ways to get your number.(husband & I just discovered this and got rid of our land line) Get rid of the land line. Go with a cell. Talk with your attorney and/or advocate and to the police again and ask them to sit down with you and educate you on how to protect yourself. Take notes and follow their instructions.

I am unclear as to your service dog- do you train them? Or do you require the use of them? Or both?

My prayers are with you. I have been in your shoes to a degree. My ex never went as far as yours has, but that didn't keep me from protecting myself. Oh, another thing, I kept a large air horn at home, and a larger pepper spray Velcro'd up high next to the front door just in case he came banging on my door. It came in handy when the neighbors druggie friends got the wrong house and nearly busted my door in pieces. Air horn in the left hand, pepper spray in the right both going full force.

Other neighbors had the police there with in minutes!

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ServiceDogHandler, I have never been in your position, and so I may not be qualified to say so, but it sounds to me like you're doing everything right. You've let relevant and important people know, and you have people who are willing and trying to help you out. Even your landlord is trying to get you in another physical location. If anything else, perhaps you could let some neighbours know, if you are comfortable enough, and ask them to call police if they should hear an airhorn coming from your place of residence (if you decide to go with the airhorn idea).

Otherwise, I just want to commend you for being a strong, caring, and smart woman whom I'll bet never deserved even a passing shadow of terrible man like he.

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I agree with RachelleDrew. You should go with the mace. The air horn sounds like a good idea too. Witnesses make all the difference sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, I think you have a constitutional right to bare arms, but if you're not really comfortable with a gun, it would be more of a liability to you than an assett. If you have one ready and need to use it, but don't have the nerve to pull the trigger, you'd end up getting the gun taken away and used on you instead. Or if you do have the nerve but are a lousy shot, same thing.

I'd go with the mace if I were you. In your situation it sounds best.

By the way, I'm impressed with how much wisdom you've shown so far. Stay sharp! Your best weapon is your brain, and it sounds like you're packin'!

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Can you put some sort of camera out on your lawn? That way you can catch your husband sneaking about, and send it to the cops? Then they can actually arrest the guy and get you safe.

I think that while this is simple and may not seem worth doing, it could prove very useful to you... nothing better than hard evidence to back yourself up with, otherwise it could be your word against his, which rarely goes down well. Even a basic webcam attached to your computer, pointing out the window directly on the yard that leads to your door and set to automatically record on any motion. A security (PIR) light on the front of the house would also be useful for this (and other reasons) at night. If you feel it's necessary you may want to take this a step further as well and do the back of the house and elsewhere.

Edited by Mahone
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