An addiction that must go...

[RegretfulGuy]

Hello all...I've been wanting to join this forum for a while and for a specific reason. First off, I was born into a good Mormon family, and it still is good. I got baptized at 8, got arronic priesthood at 12, and now I am 16...I want to go on a mission, I can't picture what my life would become if I didn't, but I have a problem...

I've gotten addicted to...porn. It started out with a small temptation and led to this...Last night I even masturbated to it...I've tried to stop many times, and I was sober for months but then summer vacation came...A time of boredom and loneliness. I've done it again. A few times this summer. Not daily, maybe ever other 2 weeks, but it's becoming more frequent. This is a serious problem I want to get through. Can I go on a mission at age 19 if I repent? Please give me some advice...Thanks.

[lost87]

YES you can go on a mission if you repent...and the fact that you are working towards that is WONDERFUL! K...a few questions for you....and just FYI I completely know your situation and though i am a few years older and a girl...I know it sucks. so...how is your scripture study? how often do you SINCERELY pray? have you spoken to your bishop about it? what about parents? this will give us all a better idea of what more could help you...keep up the good work though, your doing great.

[Misshalfway]

Well, you aren't the first to get caught into the porn trap.

Look. You need to repent, yes. But more importantly, you need to recover from it. So many great guys thought they could clean things up and go on a mission only to find that their old self and old habits were just waiting for them when they got back.

What do you think you need to do to really get this thing out of your life? What is your plan?

[RegretfulGuy]

Well...I haven't told anyone about it. If I tell my parents, they'll never trust me again, or think the same of me... If I tell the bishop, he'd tell my parents. I suck at scripture study. Barely ever read scriptures unless I'm in Seminary or Church. I pray everyday, usually sincerely. Unfortanately, I'm not sure how to get this out of my life...I suppose to keep the consequences in mind. And to remember how I feel after I do that each time. Thanks for the replies. :)

[ryanh]

Congrats on seeking help! Obviously it is a big step to bring this out of the dark and try to deal with it. Keep at it.

Please don't assume your Bishop will tell your parents. Ask him if he would or not. Having your parents involved in helping you though this just might be a whole lot better than you are anticipating. If they are typical parents, they love you deeply, and would do what they can to help, not condemn.

There are a handful of threads in this Advice forum touching upon this subject. There is good advice in those threads as well. Here is the search results for "porn addiction" for this forum.

LDS Mormon Forums - Search Results = Porn Addiction

Yes, you are still eligible to serve a mission if you fully repent (don't forget - that includes confession and change).

[glow_inthe_dark_girl]

Your bishop won't tell your parents. He doesn't make that type of decisions, he might ecourage you to tell them but if you decide no to do it , then he can´t tell them.. as far as i know.

an important step will be telling your bishop

oh, and I think you can go on a mission if you repent, not if you regret !!! , hurry into your bishop´s office, make an appointment.

Edited July 28, 2009 by glow_inthe_dark_girl

[Danite]

You really need to talk with your Bishop. This is not something you can over come with willpower only. He will understand more than you think. Until you resolve this you will continue to suffer guilt and fear and Satan will a foot hold on our heart and mind. and will do everything in his power to keep in fear and guilt. The way thru this is thru your Bishop

[puf_the_majic_dragon]

Hi, my name is Puff, and... I'm an addict.

> Hi Puff.

I've been hooked on porn since I was 12. I'm 25 now. Nasty stuff. I too am trying to clean up before a mission. I applaud you for trying to quit early - by the time you reach my age some of those habits are almost set in stone. It's taken me this long to really decide to quit, and now I've made it harder than it needs to be.

There are a lot of things you can do to help. First talk to your bishop. Ask him for one of those addiction handbook things - a short workbook that follows a process similar to (but more generic than) the AA program. Sincerely work through the book. Second, try to determine why you do it. Not all addictions are the same, some are chemical, some are psychological, and some aren't even "addictions" but are more just the results of "idle hands". In my case it's a psychological coping mechanism. The handbook and your bishop can help you figure it out. Third, find an alternative activity that fulfills the need currently filled by the porn. Read a book, play a (good) game, exercise.

Make sure through all of this that you have come to a firm realization of what your reasons are. Why do you want to quit? Respect for your future wife. Reverence for the Lord. A desire to be worthy of a mission. Proper motivation is key to staying focused and overcoming. I wish you luck :)

Oh, and pray, read your scriptures, go to seminary yada yada. It does help :)

[RegretfulGuy]

Well I just don't know how to ask if he'll tell beforehand...I'd rather not make an appointment, cause my parents would definitely find out about it. Next time there is Baptisms for the dead, or I'm getting a yearly checkup or something I should probably confess...I guess I'll ask if he'll tell my parents before saying anything though.

I used to tell myself I would confess when in College, but then I'd probably run late on going on a mission, and well, better now than later I suppose. If I tell my parents, I'd tell them while I was in College...(I have time for a year before my mission call).

Thanks guys. I'll keep you updated, and I thank you so much for the support and advice.

[lost87]

there are ways to get around your parents finding out if you make an appointment now...just give your bishop a call and express to him that you'd like to meet with him but would like to not have your parents involved...what you tell your bishop stays in his office, he is not allowed to tell your parents without your express permission, or anyone else for that matter. I was in a similary situation and my bishop met with me before mutual on wednesday nights...or pulled me out of sunday school during church...it doesn't have to be a really noticable big deal...and IF your parents did find out you were meeting with the bishop and asked about it you could just let them know that you are wanting to start preparing for your mission and wanted to meet with him briefly to come up with a plan to do so...and that is an entirely truthful response. I wouldn't put off talking to him...it will only get harder to stop as time goes by. If at all possible meet with him this week! i know its tough and terrifying but I promise he will handle it with love and complete confidentiality.

[dazed-and-confused]

hey, guy. you are not alone in this. many people, male and female, have their own issues to address with regards to sex.

i will not bulls**t you about your mission, i dont know. i DO know that your bishop needs to know what is happening with you. i also understand that you need your privacy. i would advise this, for your safetys sake, that is to say, for you to feel secure, ask for your bishops confidence first and foremost. i have no doubt he will give it. tell him everything, even to the depths of your soul. it might be scarey, but it is necessary. this may be your leap of faith.....go for it.

there are some here that share your "issues"......and some with more experience in dealing with them than you....listen, and take it for what it's worth, for ultimately, you are accountable for your own self.

[SarikOstheim]

Well, I wonder why of all nights I joined this website tonight, but I already see where my limited experience can help.

All right. Great. You know it's wrong. You think you're working towards stopping. Right?

Well, you're wrong. The fact that you failed once means that this is going to effect you for the rest of your natural life. You know why? Because anything that you are addicted to changes your brain chemistry for life. You think that a recovered smoking addict never wants to smoke again? Or a crackhead who survived the withdrawal and has quit for years? No, they don't. But their body does. And they proved time and time again that their body had absolute power over them.

This truly is going to effect you for a long time, and to a lesser extent, for life. Right now, you see woman and girls as objects. All members of the female gender within your age of preference is an object for appeasement, little more than a cheap sex toy. You don't believe me? Keep a close eye on your thoughts the next time you go to sleep, or are waking up to something other than an alarm clock. You'll find them going all over the place, a significant number of them in *that* direction, some of which are involving people you know. Having been there, I know. And having come clean(at least for the time being), I also know how easy and quick you would go into denial over my accusations if we were face to face. An addict lies to himself, thus he lies to others.

First off, you need to identify your stressor. Mine was exactly that: stress. When I came across porn for the first time as 13, I was curios. Few months later, looked at it again out of curiosity, was like that for a few weeks. Then I just stopped. It was nothing but a fascination. It wasn't until I was probably 14 when porn really became a controlling factor in my life. I mean, my mom was bi-polar, my dad was working two jobs most of the time, my younger sister had turned into a little twit since she went to that god-forsaken middle school, and my baby sister was onto me about every little thing I did, something I had to endure due to the favoritism that was(and sometimes still is) shown towards my younger siblings. Along with that, I was still dealing with a traumatic and borderline violent experience I had at a Boy Scout Camp when I was 11. Unfortunately, as I learned to deal with all of these stresses at once, I created another.

So by the time I was 15, I was pretty much hooked, and while I knew intellectually that it was wrong, I was not particularly ashamed of it. By then, I had pretty much learned every trick in the book to covering my tracks, even to the point that a government agency would have a hard time recovering any records of what I did. And by then, I had learned of the pleasures of masturbation. The combination pretty much had my addiction set in stone for the next two years.

Every year after that, I kept telling myself that I would have this fixed by my next birthday. And at times, I thought I had. I went without it for what would feel like forever. In reality, it was no more than a few weeks at a time. And for every day I stayed off, my next bad streak would be 2, 3, 4x as long as I had abstained. At points, I would cry. And every time I went through those streaks, I have now identified one common factor in all of them: hopelessness. When I had lost all hope, I was the weakest, and most prone to external influence.

When I was 17, my hormones settled down. A little. And it was during this period I believe I began making the most progress. It took time, but I came to identify my weak and strong periods, and what actually were the effects on my mental health. I did an experiment a while ago. I abstained for a week, then allowed myself to fall(well, I give myself a little too much credit there). For that day, and the bit of the next, I found myself more inclined to act aggressive, and though I disciplined myself to not act on it most of the time, it did slip through my mask a few times. I also found myself swinging to the extremes of my emotions more easily, I actually found that I was experiencing chest pains which I had for years looked over as a result of my (former) weight, and I was inclined to fall into that feeling of hopelessness.

Unfortunately, I can not say I completely ended my activities for God, or the Church, or even myself. I entered into a very powerful, very loving relationship with someone whom I had met a number of months back. I found myself unable to fully enjoy the relationship, nor could I find myself to be a worthy partner and potential life mate with something so trivial controlling my life. This woman truly softened my heart as a person, and gave me the motivation I needed to attempt a stop. Since then, I have installed a series of countermeasures on my computer(the only one I used for that due to some weird sense of honor), and when I revealed to her my problems, she accepted the responsibility of being steward over the access to these programs.

Unfortunately, sometimes the journey of a thousand miles ends badly. In a relatively recent time, I found myself at my computer at 2:30 AM. I was tired, I had had a bad day, and I really didn't know what I was doing. Hell, who am I kidding. I knew exactly what I was doing. I found a way around my own countermeasures, and I even said to myself, "Might as well enjoy the entire night. Going to hate myself in the morning." But after the first time, I basically just collapsed, and I nearly cried, something I honestly haven't done in a very long time. I felt a sense of emptiness, of longing, and my body knew this wasn't right. My body knew I shouldn't be wasting myself on this, but sharing this with someone, and my mind knew only with somebody I loved, and something deeper told me only at a certain time. Whether that be the years of Mormon "brainwashing" as I liked to call it at one point, or something more spiritual, that's up to you to decide.

Fortunately, since then, my resolve has been absolute. I do my best to avoid these situations at all costs.

My suggestions are first, pray. Kinda cheesy, right? Well, despite my youthful rebellion, I never stopped praying in private, nor during meals. I have always believe it to work. In the long run, it at least boosts your confidence.

Next, find someone you can trust, someone you can confide in. At your age, that person should be an adult whose morale disposition is not in the least in question. You need support. My biggest mistake was trying to fight this alone.

A warrior who has no reason to fight fights poorly. You need motivation. Your mission MIGHT do it for you, but realistically, has that helped you much? I don't think you would have been hitting the porn so much if it did. Find something, anything, that gives you the strength to endure. I would say until you're married, but, well, that isn't always the case. Porn is like a drug, and when used in conjunction with direct stimulation, can make your body dependent on it for sexual performance. The saddest story I have read so far is of a married woman whose husband had to turn on a porn tape in order for them to share the most intimate of moments, because he was not physically capable without it.

Do your research. Avoid the sites that say, "It's natural, it's healthy." I continue to do research on the subject, and they still screw with my head if I don't watch myself. And when they say masturbation in males is a natural release for excessive fluids? It's not. Those are called nocturnal remissions, and they happen all on their own. Kind of like saying forest fires are natural when somebody starts it with a match. But the sites that explain the truth, the chemical effects sexual activity(especially sexual activity without a partner to which you're emotionally attached to), those are the ones you should visit.

Now, the last thing I would encourage you is to read your scriptures. At least one chapter a day. Now, don't just go from start to finish. Find someone you like, or a topic you like. I've recently finished Ether and Moroni in the Book of Mormon. And believe it or not, I almost cried at the end of Moroni. I was kind of like, "That's it?" You don't know what happened to him afterward. And his words were so right, so powerful. IT is unfortunate how much our current world resembles the Nephites towards the end of their existence. Another reason why I'm so desperate to strengthen my own weaknesses.

Now, the last and most practical advice I can give you is put internet filters on your computers, any that you have access to during hours or in locations in which you can be alone. I would suggest Blue Coat K9. They're pretty much infallible, but I would still go put in all of your favorite websites(you know, the dozen or so that you know don't have viruses, and still have your favorite genre?) manually. And make sure to get the https trick covered.

http://www.lds.net/forums/newreply.php?do=newreply&noquote=1&p=397708

Let's say that's a porn site. Well, in the case of most web filters, including some instances with K9, you can bypass them by using a secure connection. Generally a little slower, but it gets you what you want. You do this by replacing http:// at the beginning with https://.

https://www.lds.net/forums/newreply.php?do=newreply&noquote=1&p=397708

While K9 will block most sites even with this method, unfortunately, this was how I fell through last time with a site which I had memorized.

And make sure somebody else has the password. While you shouldn't be able to figure it out EVER, you need to make sure you can uninstall the program without having to wipe your hard drive. Let me tell you, K9 is nearly impenetrable. I've tried every trick in the book(books, actually).

But, ultimately, it's up to you. But you will be a better and happier person for it if you can go a long time. I'm talking half a year to a year, not a couple months.

And make sure you have some Tylenol or ibuprofen around, because the withdrawal pain can be particularly nasty at times.

I remember this quote from an article somewhere: "...to Gethsemane and back..."

[puf_the_majic_dragon]

Thanks Sarik for having a completely defeatist attitude :) No seriously though, while it's true that some people do have "addictive personalities" that give them the problems you describe - it's not necessarily true in every case. It's entirely dependant upon the type of addiction - ie coping mechanisms (like some forms of alcoholism) can easily be changed while chemical addictions (like heroin addiction) are exactly like you say.

Regretful - do NOT procrastinate the day of your repentance. If you put this off for even one day no matter what the reason, you WILL regret it. Sarik is right about one thing, the longer you do it, the more permanent the addiction becomes. And your parents WILL find out, and that's assuming they don't already know and just haven't said anything yet (parents are just as susceptible to the "I don't know how to bring it up" syndrome as their kids). If you tell your parents, yes the consequences may be difficult to bear, but you will be better off. By not telling them you are adding deceit to the sin and compounding it very much like David did with Bathsheba and Uriah (oooh same sin too....).

So to sum up - get over yourself and start talking NOW. Your bishop can help. Your parents, believe it or not, can also help (and not just by disciplining you). Do it now while it's still easy to quit.

[rameumptom]

Talk to your parents and bishop for guidance and help to overcome this. Yes, you can go on a mission once you've cleared this up. If the addiction is severe, there are LDS Addiction Recovery Programs in many cities.

[johnnylingo]

I don't want to minimize a serious problem, but don't beat yourself up! This is not an unusual problem for a 16 year old boy, and once every two weeks hardly seems like a major addiction.

Reading your scriptures and telling your bishop are good, but you can also tackle the computer problem (I'm assuming kids today use computers, right?). Move your computer out of your room and into the common areas of your house (you can tell your parents you feel you're wasting too much time or that you're addicted to World of Warcraft or something). If you're home alone with a computer, get out of the house. Mow some lawns, get a job, volunteer, offer to babysit your siblings, go to a public library or pool, or skateboard, or something.

[Misshalfway]

Telling the truth to someone, whether it is a bishop or therapist or parent, will help you take control of the situation and then move to solutions. I agree with Johnny lingo that you gotta shake up your patterns and restrict the availability of it.

[RegretfulGuy]

Thanks a ton for all of the advice! About the computer, mine is in the kitchen...so it's public. I also only have 3 hours to use it, and at specific times of the day. Unfortunately I've got an iPod and other portable devices capable of viewing video and pictures. Some can access the internet.

And I find myself similar to you in a few ways Sarik.(And thanks for the long and thoughtful post!) Especially the "Might as well enjoy the entire night. Going to hate myself in the morning." I've thought the same thing, but usually didn't make it past 10 minutes...

Right now I feel as if I never could have looked at porn. It's like I'm in denial. I feel like I'll never do it again, but I've felt the same before.

Anyways, I probably shouldn't put off confession. I think I'll ask my bishop about confidentiality of confession sometime when we're relatively alone on Sunday. I always see him since the Priests meet in the Bishop's office.

Thanks for helping motivate me guys, I never thought I'd get this much help!

[lost87]

those are some awesome choices to be making! I am so glad your going to talk to your bishop on sunday...and it is so awesome that your parents have created those boundaries on the computer and that you respect them! Way to go! as for the other things....hmm...tough to say what to do with those...is there anyway you can cancel the internet capablities on them? I had to do that with my cell phone to keep the temptation away....and if your cell phone is on your parents policy you can just tell them you feel like you are wasting too much time surfing the internet and would rather just not have that option...that could work for the iPod as well, though i don't know how that works with internet...idk, just thoughts...but you are doing great! just keep it up and I promise once you talk to your bishop he will have much more inspired suggestions on how to overcome the situation...do everything he asks and you'll have much more control over it. Great job! oh...and make sure your studying scriptures/praying LOTS. I'm finding it to be the best medicine against these sorts of temptations in my life!

[ryanh]

Accountibility is a good thing too! Can we count on you to check back in on Monday and let us know if you were able to get the Bishop aside and talk to him?

[lost87]

thats a great point ryanh! accountability is an awesome thing and sooooo helpful! I'd really like it if we could count on that too regretfulguy

[puf_the_majic_dragon]

I just want to reiterate that while removing the temptation is a good plan - it is only a solution if your problem is a genuine chemical dependancy with no other factors. Porn and masturbation can often indicate deeper problems such as depression, and I think it's important to treat the illness, not just the symptoms. I'll use myself as an example - if I masturbate because I feel lonely, then hanging out with people can help prevent me from indulging. However, it's impossible to go the rest of my life without feeling lonely some time and if I don't find another more appropriate way to deal with those feelings of loneliness then I'll slip right back into those old habits.

[lost87]

hey puff...that is a really interesting point...can I ask just for my own benefit how you can come to find out if there is a deeper problem? I am stuck on the same thing and no matter how hard I try i always slip back into it...so how do I know if there are other issues I need to address?...sorry for borrowing your thread regretfulguy!

[puf_the_majic_dragon]

The best way is probably to just talk to a counselor or therapist - somebody whose profession is finding deeper problems. Discussing this with your bishop and seeking his opinion on whether or not it's necessary isn't a bad idea either. As far as figuring it out on your own, it can take longer and be harder and it takes some serious self inspection. You have to find patterns in when you do it, search for the influences that bring the tempting thoughts into your mind, analyze your thought patterns during those times to discern what keeps you from immediately dismissing the temptation, and focus on the mood and feelings and state of mind you have during and immediately prior to those times when you are struggling with the temptation. You might also look at your life situation, moods, and feelings during those times when you are able to withstand the temptation and see what's different about those times. You can see how it would be easier with a counselor who knows the right questions to ask and exercises to perform that can focus your efforts.

Like I said, for me, it's loneliness. I noticed once that I had asked a girl out and she had said yes and during the entire week leading up to our first (and unfortunately only) date I didn't have a single problem. My environment was the same, the only variable was the girl. When I didn't get a second date and lost hope again, that's when my resolve waivered. My strength comes from the hope for a lasting and loving eternal companion. My weakness comes from the loneliness and despair that comes from not having that hope.

Keep in mind that there may not be any deeper significance. Sometimes boys, even good mormon boys, (and also girls, even good mormon girls) masturbate simply out of boredom. There's nothing better to do and it feels good. This behavior is especially dangerous in leading to a chemical addiction similar to nicotine or drugs, because the emotional state that starts the cycle is so common. And young people get bored so easily nowadays...

[nzorient]

Hey RegretfulGuy,

It's so typical of Satan trying to tear up those who are preparing to serve the Lord. Just exactly like when Satan tried to stop Joseph Smith from praying in the woods - because he knew that a great and marvelous work was about to roll forward, as evident as it is today! But Joseph prayed really hard the Lord came to the rescue.

As you are preparing for your mission, temptation will be everywhere to try and stop you. It's probably a sign that you are going to be a great missionary. And while you are a missionary, you are going to be meeting other people addicted to this and you need to teach them how to repent and become clean before baptism.

You'll need the strength of the Holy Ghost to uplift you. I came across an awesome quote today: "If we choose the right way, we are sustained in our actions by the principles of righteousness, in the which there is power from the heavens. If we choose the wrong way and act on that choice, there is no such heavenly promise or power, and we are alone and are destined to fail." William R. Bradford.

Mingling with good friends and family all the time can help you keep your mind off this stuff.

I remember my Mission President in a conference, he counseled those returning home to keep as far away from these things as it is the cause of marriage and family problems. Trust me, you don't want to go through all that heart-ache, that I've seen others go through.

Something out of the blue, you could try Martial Arts. There you will learn to strengthen 'self-control'.

Good luck with your preparation and be strong!!

[HEthePrimate]

Hello, Guy.

Yes, you certainly can go on a mission at 19, if you're 16 now. Porn and masturbation are very common, and most Church leaders are understanding and will work with you to help you deal with them. I would also suggest you not panic, and that you not think badly of yourself. The more anxious you get, the more of a hold the addictions will get on you, as they are ways of dealing with anxiety. Do work on stopping the porn habit, but don't focus your whole life on your efforts to avoid sin, because then your life would still be revolving around the sin even though you're trying to do the right thing. Focus, rather, on Jesus Christ and his love for you and for all people, and he'll lead you the right way.

Peace, my friend,

HEP