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IamMormon

Lack in Judgement

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This is my first post to this website.

I'm an LDS woman who has a wonderful temple marriage, and has been married for many years now. I'm active and love the church.

I was away from my husband for most of the summer due to a temp job I had, and became attracted to another man. I was foolish and had relations with him one time. (It was not Int., but WAS Or. Se.).

I do not understand why I gave in when I am content with my husband. I know that I should speak with my Bishop and start a repentance process.......but is it possible to do this without telling my spouse? I'm terrified to tell him, it will break his heart.

Is there anyone out there that knows what I'm going through, or knows what to do? I feel so stupid.

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only way out of it is to own up to your actions. talk to the bishop first.... go from there. if everything was good in your marriage even one time wouldn't have been a temptation. what else are you not owning up to? be honest with yourself or you can't be honest with anyone else. i suggest you read the advise given to others that have posted here that are/have dealt with affairs. a lot of good books and things suggested.

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Oh honey! I am sorry that you are finding yourself in this painful place. But we all make mistakes. There is no easy way out. Avoiding it will only make it worse. I think this is a lot like painful surgery. You don't want to do it or have to recover from it, but its the only way to make things better. Otherwise the secret will just fester and when it does come out the damage could be far worse.

Go to your sweetheart and tell the truth. Don't allow yourself to be hurt or offended or defensive if he needs to pass thru some outrage and pain and anger. Give him the space to have any reaction....even if his reactions morf over a few days or weeks as he processes the information. This is a betrayal but your honesty will be the best kind of healing for that betrayal. So.....hold firm and take your medicine and hand the hard parts to God. DON'T get defensive. DON'T blame him even if he lashes at you. Love yourself enough to stand in truth and love him enough to let him grieve.

Go to the bishop and start the process. Open yourself to the Lord. Discuss with the Lord why you had this lapse and for Him to take that desire out of you. Pray and fast for your sweetheart that his healing will come soon and have faith as you move from a place of sin to a place of cleanliness and renewal. The peace will come. Your relationship can survive. You made the choice and now the fixed consequences must play out. Accept that this is the nature of sin and lean on the tender mercies of the Lord and the love your sweetheart does have for you.

Down the road a piece it might be good to go to therapy together or read self help books together. You know.....get some support thru the hard times. You don't have to do it alone.

Blessings.

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There is only one way to exaltation, and that is by facing your sins and fully repenting of them. A confession only to your bishop is only half a confession, and only a half of a repentence.

If you are struggling with confession, then perhaps you need to ponder what it means to be humble enough to do so. Are you really willing to give away your sins to God? Or are you too proud to let Him take them from you? Repentance HAS to be painful, so that we appreciate the forgiveness we receive, and so we will never wish to sin again.

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Perhaps it would be helpful to seek out professional help in bringing up the subject and making disclosure (which, I agree, needs to happen in order to move forward). When I was finally ready to confront my sister who sexually abused me as a child, there were therapists and 'mediators' that were experienced in facilitating those types of confrontations. I would expect that there are therapists that do the same for marriage infidelity. I've got to think that even if you didn't utilize a professional to assist, a seasoned marriage therapist could give you some advice on how best to go about it.

Of course, the best source of info on how to bring up the subject is HF. Do seek His counsel to find the best way to approach your husband. I do trust that if you are sincerely repenting, He will give you guidance on what is best to help keep the marriage together. He is the greatest advocate of healing and maintaining marriages.

Lastly, there are plenty of books and other resources out there to give you some guidance on how to handle “the talk” and how to help your marriage recover from this. One website I am aware of is out of Austrialia – Peter Fox – couple’s therapist.

You two have a tough road to travel. But from what I read, it IS possible to travel it and come out the other side with a better, stronger marriage.

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I do know what you are going through. I had an affair about this time last year and at the beginning of this year I told my husband about it. After commiting the sin it weighed on my mind and my heart until finally I knew I needed to tell my husband. It was difficult and it was painful, but it was nessisary. Since then things have gotten much better between the two of us. I have gone to the bishop and am currently in the process of obtaining forgiveness. Tell your husband what you did, you need to repent and I can guarantee that if you go to the Bishop he will tell you that you need to tell your husband. In my case I told my husband first and then I went to the bishop. It was easier that way for me. In your case you must decide, but I will tell you that your bishop will have you tell your husband. It is one of the parts of having committed such a sin, there are very uncomfortable things you have to do to repent. But it is worth it to obtain forgiveness.

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As someone whose spouse had an affair, I have to warn you that the longer you go without telling your husband, the more damage is going to be inflicted on your marriage.

You may not realize it, but after you have had an affair you begin to treat your spouse differently. Even if you don't mean to or even notice it yourself, your husband will notice. Your marriage WILL decline and begin to crumble.

The quicker you approach your husband and tell him the truth with your sincerest apologizes and request for forgiveness, the more likely he is to forgive you and the quicker you can work on setting things right.

My husband waited three months before he told me the truth, and three months was all it took for our marriage to nearly be destroyed. Secrets can't stay secret for very long without somebody getting hurt.

If he loves you and you are truly dedicated to making things up to him, then he will forgive you and you can both move on together. Just don't wait, do it as soon as you can.

Let him be mad, let him cry. It's surely his right to be heartbroken and it will take a long time for him to feel secure again. He will have uncomfortable and personal questions for you that you must do your best to answer. But a healthy marriage can happen so long as you are 100% honest from this day forward.

I'm sorry, i know that this must be hard on you. There is pain involved in the guilt of the adulterer too. Everyone wants to think about the spouse who was cheated on...but they aren't the only ones suffering. Things will get better for you if you do the work required. Good luck.

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You must tell your husband.

You've made a HUGE mistake, and it may end your marriage. The worst idea, IMO, is to hide this from your husband. It will probably destroy him and you're going to have to live with that.

Your marriage obviously wasn't that wonderful if you let such a big mistake happen.

Go to your husband, your Bishop, and the Lord.

That's my advice.

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Your marriage obviously wasn't that wonderful if you let such a big mistake happen.

I have to somewhat disagree with this. People are human and when separated by time and distance from the one they love..human emotions and factors sometimes take over. Just because someone had an indiscretion doesn't mean they didn't have a wonderful, loving marriage. Things can happen in the best of marriages.

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Yes, Iam. You have to tell your husband. All the things you're worried about might come true - It will break his heart, he may end up leaving you, this will at the very least result in further difficulties.

You sound repentant: You're scared, you're sad, you are being torn in a dozen different directions. Now, imagine your husband: He has a scared, sad wife and he has no idea why. You are absolutely treating him differently now. He deserves the same. You would, too.

Just be prepared to be humble. He may get angry. He may become silent and walk away and not want to talk about it right off the bat. That's his right. How he reacts to this, you can't control: Don't demand him forgive you right off the bat, nor demand that he talk about it, nor demand anything: He may react with weakness, just like you did. That's okay. Be prepared for the consequences and they won't be as bad as you fear.

This is my first post to this website.

I'm an LDS woman who has a wonderful temple marriage, and has been married for many years now. I'm active and love the church.

I was away from my husband for most of the summer due to a temp job I had, and became attracted to another man. I was foolish and had relations with him one time. (It was not Int., but WAS Or. Se.).

I do not understand why I gave in when I am content with my husband. I know that I should speak with my Bishop and start a repentance process.......but is it possible to do this without telling my spouse? I'm terrified to tell him, it will break his heart.

Is there anyone out there that knows what I'm going through, or knows what to do? I feel so stupid.

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Your husband deserves to know the truth. How he feels about it or what he does in reaction is out of your control but at least at that point, you have made the right decision and owned up to your mistake.

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I have to somewhat disagree with this. People are human and when separated by time and distance from the one they love..human emotions and factors sometimes take over. Just because someone had an indiscretion doesn't mean they didn't have a wonderful, loving marriage. Things can happen in the best of marriages.

^This.

Been there. The thing is, people who are in wonderful marriages are, in a way, even MORE vulnerable. The reason: They let their guard down.

We're talking about unusual and difficult circumstances here. Long separations HURT. Short ones hurt too. When we're married we get used to a certain amount of intimate, physical contact (not necessarily sexual, but yes that too) and going away on a trip is being cut off from that cold turkey. It's traumatic, in a way. It can result in this kind of thing without necessarily reflecting on the strength of the marriage itself.

I say this because it isn't necessarily a good thing to go on a hunt for problems that may not exist. If there are problems, then by all means let this help find them and get them solved, but keep things in perspective.

This mistake happened. Can't take it back now, but it doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make your marriage a bad one. It doesn't mean you're broken or that somehow your universe is on the brink of collapse. It means you had a moment of weakness. It means you didn't know how to cope with it, and you fell on your face. Yeah, I've been there too.

It's easy to talk about keeping to a high standard and holding ourselves away from sin but Satan is a clever one, and he knows where your armor is weak and how to penetrate it. Most people haven't been educated in avoiding temptation and this is the result. When I fell, I learned a LOT that I really think people in general would be well served to learn it. My Bishop recommended me a book called "Willpower is Not Enough." if any of you reading this message don't have that book on your bookshelf then you really should go out and get a copy. The local LDS bookstore should have it.

The most important things I learned from that book, and my meditations afterward are:

-Willpower is a guardrail. Sure, it's mean to keep you from going off a cliff but when you drive a car, do you rub the guardrail as you cruise down the street, or do you keep well away from it? So it should be with temptation. Try to stay out of situations that will tempt you in the first place. Nobody walks into a strip club just to pat themselves on the back for not looking at the dancers.

-NEVER let your guard down. Being in a happy marriage does it NO guarantee against temptation. People are imperfect, and we're living in bodies that have biological urges that we have to control. Those urges don't care whether you're married or not. Fasting is how we practice controlling our bodies, but it's something you have to constantly be aware of.

-ANYBODY anywhere, anytime, has a breaking point. NOBODY is immune to sin. Even big sins. When someone says "Oh, I'd NEVER cheat on my spouse" Satan takes that as a challenge. He likes a challenge, and he's been at this longer than you have. He's better at it than you are. Don't be complacent. Rather than brag about how in control you are, get on your knees and ask God to keep you out of tempting situations.

"... and lead us not into temptation..."

More than pretty words.

The most important thing is: Forgive yourself. It's part of the repentance process, however you decide to approach it. If you don't, your own self-loathing will be the opening through which Satan will come at you again. You'll feel like you don't deserve to be forgiven, or that you aren't good enough for the Lord's Church. It'll make you lose your zeal, your enthusiasm for Church. It'll make you start finding excuses to miss Church.

Ask me how I know.

"For God so loved <insert your name here> that He sent His only begotten Son..."

Make that your personal motto as you recover from this.

This is the reason we're supposed to go to the Bishop. To learn these things that, like I said, EVERYBODY really ought to be taught at some point whether they've faltered or not. The Bishop has resources and information to assist you in learning what needs to be learned to avoid future stumbles, at least in this area.

Edited by unixknight

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Bishop first, go from there. MorningStar asks the ultimate question:

You have to tell your husband. Wouldn't you expect the same from him?

This really is the ultimate question. Golden rule and all that. And as I ask myself that hypothetical question, I can see a situation or two where my wife and I might be best off with me not knowing until on the other side of the veil.

I see a lot more situations where yes, I would want to know, but that's not absolutely every situation.

Good luck!

LM

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Bishop first, go from there. MorningStar asks the ultimate question:

This really is the ultimate question. Golden rule and all that. And as I ask myself that hypothetical question, I can see a situation or two where my wife and I might be best off with me not knowing until on the other side of the veil.

I see a lot more situations where yes, I would want to know, but that's not absolutely every situation.

Good luck!

LM

I agree. An indiscretion followed by a lifetime of making it up to me without me knowing sounds ok lol.

BUT repeated offenses do not count, and must be dealt with.

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I just want to add my :twocents: in agreement of much of what has been said above. Everything I've learned about the nature of sin tells me that we cannot fully repent until we've admitted that sin to everyone we hurt- and this indiscretion hurt your husband as much as it hurt you and the Lord.

Move forward with faith and prayer. You're not a bad person! Repentance makes everything better, if we are willing to undergo the process.

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I am going to be the odd man out on this one.

If you have something of great value you donot deliberately destroy it. That is what will happen if you tell your husband. I am referring to the marriage and relationship here. You still have to contend with the religious aspect.

In this particular case, there is no real value or benefit in disclosure. You may completely and irreparably ruin your marriage. Non-disclosure is not lying and you should consider this carefully. Again, it dos not mean you are going to skirt the consequences all together, but at least you have a chance at preserving what is truly worth saving. Discuss the issue with a professional.

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I am going to be the odd man out on this one.

If you have something of great value you donot deliberately destroy it. That is what will happen if you tell your husband. I am referring to the marriage and relationship here. You still have to contend with the religious aspect.

In this particular case, there is no real value or benefit in disclosure. You may completely and irreparably ruin your marriage. Non-disclosure is not lying and you should consider this carefully. Again, it dos not mean you are going to skirt the consequences all together, but at least you have a chance at preserving what is truly worth saving. Discuss the issue with a professional.

completely disagree. my marriage was destroyed by the fact that my ex disclosed to me two years later about a past affair. lying by omission is still lying, dishonesty.

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I think that should be taken on a sort of case by case basis.

In the case here, I don't see how she can NOT tell her husband. She's going to lose that Temple Recommend for a while, and if the husband notices, he'll ask about it, and at that point she either comes clean or lies, and lying is, IMHO, never a good option.

On the other hand (and I was discussing this with my wife) I don't know that in his place I'd want to know... provided it was truly over with and wasn't happening any more. Someone said in this thread earlier hat he deserves to know. I'd refine that by saying that what he deserves is not to get cheated on in the first place, but that's not what happened. He deserves to know he can trust his wife. He deserves happiness with her. He doesn't deserve to have his heart broken just to salve a guilty conscience.

If he doesn't need to know then honestly, maybe he doesn't need to know. Like I said I don't think I would want to if it were truly a one time thing. He hasn't been hurt yet.

But that's just my opinion. The only person truly qualified to make that decision is his wife.

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I can completely understand why someone would feel like it's better to not tell their spouse. However, there are a few problems with that argument.

1. Where is the accountability if you never say anything? What's to stop you from doing it again if your spouse never found out and your marriage didn't seem to suffer for it? It's going to be more difficult for you to be tempted again if you know your spouse is on the lookout for warning signs of an affair as well.

2. YOUR SPOUSE HAS THE RIGHT TO KNOW THAT THEY WERE EXPOSED TO A SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE. Period. It doesn't matter if the person you were unfaithful with claims to not have a disease, it doesn't matter if you didn't catch a disease yourself, it doesn't even matter if you wore a condom. Guess what, your wife/husband could have still gotten a potentially life-threatening disease anyway.

3. Why is it okay to let your spouse go on believing that your relationship is perfect, if in fact it may have issues that the two of you have not explored? Even if it was "a one time thing" problems could still develop afterwards. Then your spouse is left wondering what in the world they are doing wrong, when in fact it's something you did wrong.

As I said, I can understand some situations in which an infidelity might be better off not exposed to the other spouse....but those situations are rare.

This would be a good question for your bishop. He knows you better, knows your spouse and is probably more aware of the details of your situation. I would follow the counsel of your bishop.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

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This is my first post to this website.

I'm an LDS woman who has a wonderful temple marriage, and has been married for many years now. I'm active and love the church.

I was away from my husband for most of the summer due to a temp job I had, and became attracted to another man. I was foolish and had relations with him one time. (It was not Int., but WAS Or. Se.).

I do not understand why I gave in when I am content with my husband. I know that I should speak with my Bishop and start a repentance process.......but is it possible to do this without telling my spouse? I'm terrified to tell him, it will break his heart.

Is there anyone out there that knows what I'm going through, or knows what to do? I feel so stupid.

I'm sorry you are going through this. We are always so sure it will never happen to us, then we let our guard down and soon we have sin as a companion. I agree with another poster that there is something more than, it just happened. Somewhere along the line your moral defense curtain or should we say your armor was missing. Let me explain, there are certain behaviors we have before we enter into a marriage such as flirting,and other behaviors designed to attract attention of the opposite sex. When we enter into marriage these behaviors need to cease with everyone except our spouse. This means we need to build a defense system. One the Lord has offered us is what we refer to as the Armor of God we teach our YM,YW this always. Yet in todays world we need to understand how we strengthen this armor. Here are some ways;

1. Never place yourself in compromising situations.

2. Never be alone with the opposite sex.

3. Control what we read, some romances are adultry waiting to happen.

4. Watch what we watch!

5. Our spouse should be a positive part of our conversations with others.

6. Never speak ill of your spouse in casual conversations.

7. Never make jokes about your spouse's faults.

8. Never disscuss intimate details of your relationship with anyone.

Some people will say these are not realistic, I say how interested are you in your marriage. Marriage requires work and 100% fidelity, without it the destroyer will have a feast.

I have heard the statements made often, If you don't look once you are not human, I say if you look once it is the begining. Better yet what made you look is the begining.

So go to your husband, it will be difficult and tearful, painful with emotions flowing as they have never flowed before, it will break his heart, there is healing. Start with a prayer, after you and he can talk about it, then go to your Bishop together hand in hand and he will guide you with love through the repentance process. Remember the atonement of our Savior was to help us return to him and it is pure love in it's highest form.

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