Please help...marital problems and we're about to get sealed


adaas
 Share

Recommended Posts

This is going to be long but please, bear with me. I NEED some advice.

I got married a little over a year ago. Civilly, we messed up..but have always planned on getting sealed.

Shortly after getting married, everything fell apart from me. No job, no money, all sorts of health problems and depression that warped me into an insecure, needy person. It was horrible, and this went on for the better part of the year.

Just recently, things have been better for me although not in my marriage. Although my husband has stood by me in these trials and been supportive, we don't feel "in love" at all. And I feel as though neither of us try, or when we try, we're trying with the wrong angles. I love my husband, he has been there for me when few others could stand to be. My depression isn't "cured" though and I can snap at him sometimes. I also tend to act whiny like a little girl when I feel like he isn't bothering to pay attention to me.

I know this all sounds weird, but I have been working so hard to be the person I was...only better. I am trying to get rid of these awful things depression left me with, and it seems impossible.

We met with our bishop a few days ago to get started on trying to get sealed. It looks as though we will be able to very soon. Just this morning, however, I woke up with a sense of sadness, feeling as though we aren't supposed to be married, we'd be happier without each other, etc.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes we're happy. But we feel like roommates rather than husband and wife. We just talked about if we're "in love" anymore and he says he is in love with me, but I just don't see it. I feel that we should feel a certain way that we just aren't. Before going off on me about "that's not love that's infatuation" please understand that I know the difference. I also know though, that the way we're feeling ISN'T how we should feel. It doesn't FEEL like a marriage. We don't seem to be the partnership that we should be. We are trying so hard to be better, to be worthy to be sealed, and to include the Lord as our foundation. But I am afraid. I'm afraid that my husband will just get fed up with me someday and leave. I'm sad that we have no romantic feelings between us after only a year. What will it be like ten years down the road if he doesn't ever open up and we don't ever work this out?

I know this is jumbled, and perhaps confusing, but please, someone help me. I need the help so badly. I need to know how we can fall in love again, and treat each other better as well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is going to be long but please, bear with me. I NEED some advice.

I got married a little over a year ago. Civilly, we messed up..but have always planned on getting sealed.

Shortly after getting married, everything fell apart from me. No job, no money, all sorts of health problems and depression that warped me into an insecure, needy person. It was horrible, and this went on for the better part of the year.

Just recently, things have been better for me although not in my marriage. Although my husband has stood by me in these trials and been supportive, we don't feel "in love" at all. And I feel as though neither of us try, or when we try, we're trying with the wrong angles. I love my husband, he has been there for me when few others could stand to be. My depression isn't "cured" though and I can snap at him sometimes. I also tend to act whiny like a little girl when I feel like he isn't bothering to pay attention to me.

I know this all sounds weird, but I have been working so hard to be the person I was...only better. I am trying to get rid of these awful things depression left me with, and it seems impossible.

We met with our bishop a few days ago to get started on trying to get sealed. It looks as though we will be able to very soon. Just this morning, however, I woke up with a sense of sadness, feeling as though we aren't supposed to be married, we'd be happier without each other, etc.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes we're happy. But we feel like roommates rather than husband and wife. We just talked about if we're "in love" anymore and he says he is in love with me, but I just don't see it. I feel that we should feel a certain way that we just aren't. Before going off on me about "that's not love that's infatuation" please understand that I know the difference. I also know though, that the way we're feeling ISN'T how we should feel. It doesn't FEEL like a marriage. We don't seem to be the partnership that we should be. We are trying so hard to be better, to be worthy to be sealed, and to include the Lord as our foundation. But I am afraid. I'm afraid that my husband will just get fed up with me someday and leave. I'm sad that we have no romantic feelings between us after only a year. What will it be like ten years down the road if he doesn't ever open up and we don't ever work this out?

I know this is jumbled, and perhaps confusing, but please, someone help me. I need the help so badly. I need to know how we can fall in love again, and treat each other better as well.

Sounds like ya might need marriage counseling, from an l.d.s counselor; they do have them; :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i agree with the above posts. i have suffered from depression for most of my life and went on medication for it in '98...and thank HF for it.

have you seen a psychiatrist about getting medication for it?..i think you should.

i also had a bit of a chuckle, at your expense, i suppose....but also at my own expense...it comes from THINKING that you're grown up..and get married.....and all of a sudden you find yourself being 10 yrs old again.......men and women, both.

its called baggage...unresolved issues from our past. learn to drop the baggage.

also...this is pretty important......when people are depressed, they dont really think clearly, or even rationally, at times.

i think that if your husband says he is in love with you...and you dont believe him.....it could be him..it could be you..or a combination of both. marriage counseling, absolutely.

if you go into it with an open mind and heart, and are ready to face both your and your husbands issues..and get past them as a team.....your marriage will most likely last, imho.

good luck with it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When I was 7 years old my grandmother told me that you don't get to choose who you fall in love with, it just happens. I remember thinking 'that's a bunch of horse pucky!' and I think, 20 years later I feel the same way. Love isn't some magical mystical mysterious thing that just happens, you don't just FALL into it, and FALL out of it, it's a choice! You decide what and who you focus on. You don't always have control of the thoughts that initially enter your head, but you choose which ones to develop and acknowledge. I know this sounds a little confusing, my mind is a jumbled weird thing:P But for me, loving my husband is about focusing on the good, on cultivating those 'love thoughts'.

As others have said, I think a good lds psychologist can be a great tool. I've always been very wary of 'shrinks' and they have a bit of a stigma in my family, but my husband and I went for a few months earlier this year and it was awesome. We went individually and then as a couple. We focused a lot on 'ways that I think' that aren't productive and sometimes down right faulty. I've learned to stop assuming I know what my husband is thinking or feeling. This might be something helpful for you too? You mention that you husband says he's in love with you but you don't really believe that.

Anyways, long story short, it's ok to feel like you've 'fallen out of love' that's not a death sentence. It means that you need some help, and counseling for many is a very efficient way to receive that help. Most people have destructive thought process, and understanding them helps eliminate them. For myself, combining those efforts with the Atonement has done wonders.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why not put the sealing on hold for now? There is no need to rush it. Maybe let it come to you rather than chasing after it.

I would listen to the feelings you have in your head......but not necessarily believe them all. Which ones are the depression talking? Which ones are spirit communications? Which ones are you own gut feelings? Which ones are your fears? I guess I wonder where exactly those feelings not to continue the marriage are coming from. If it is the depression, then you can know how to interpret them. If it is the spirit somehow warning you, I would hate you to dismiss them. So, I guess that is why I might advocate slowing things down a bit and just letting the situation settle down.

Talking everything out with a trusted therapist......getting on some meds and letting them work for a few months.....this is good advise. Perhaps after that you can pick up the sealing question again and reevaluate it when you can see things more clearly.

Best wishes.

BTW Alana.....LOVED your remarks!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is going to be long but please, bear with me. I NEED some advice.

Then advice you shall get! Only you can decide whether the advice we give is worthwhile. :)

I got married a little over a year ago. Civilly, we messed up..

Hebrews 13:4 "Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled"

Remember Elder Oaks' talk a couple of years ago on "Good, Better, Best"? Your civil marriage is good. Perhaps it's not the best choice, but it is good. You did not "mess up".

Remember Elder Nelson's talk last November on "Celestial Marriage"? Among other things, he says: "The best choice is a celestial marriage. Thankfully, if a lesser choice has previously been made, a choice can now be made to upgrade it to the best choice." That is what you are engaged in doing. Don't allow Satan to discourage you.

Shortly after getting married, everything fell apart from me. No job, no money, all sorts of health problems and depression that warped me into an insecure, needy person. It was horrible, and this went on for the better part of the year.

Just recently, things have been better for me although not in my marriage.

So you had trials, and they passed. This is how things are for all adults, all the time. It is the nature of mortal life. With practice, you and your husband will learn to respond to these challenges and vicissitudes with grace. It's all a part of growing up.

Although my husband has stood by me in these trials and been supportive, we don't feel "in love" at all. And I feel as though neither of us try, or when we try, we're trying with the wrong angles.

Do you love each other? Are you committed to each other?

Yes?

Then you're in love, the fact that your heart doesn't visibly palpitate at the mere mention of his name notwithstanding.

I love my husband, he has been there for me when few others could stand to be. My depression isn't "cured" though and I can snap at him sometimes. I also tend to act whiny like a little girl when I feel like he isn't bothering to pay attention to me.

Then it sounds like one of the personal lessons you are learning is to avoid becoming that whiny, needy person. Good for you. Don't get down on yourself; just realize that's where you're at.

We met with our bishop a few days ago to get started on trying to get sealed. It looks as though we will be able to very soon. Just this morning, however, I woke up with a sense of sadness, feeling as though we aren't supposed to be married, we'd be happier without each other, etc.

Now is the time for you to recognize whence these feelings come. They don't come from God; they come from a much lower source, perhaps Satan, perhaps merely your own insecurities.

Do you know the truth? Then act on it, and don't worry about the rest. "Do what is right, let the consequence follow."

Don't get me wrong, sometimes we're happy. But we feel like roommates rather than husband and wife.

Husband and wife are roommates; the two are not mutually exclusive. And you are not anything so vulgar as "friends with benefits". You have covenanted with each other and you are living that covenant. That is marriage.

We just talked about if we're "in love" anymore and he says he is in love with me, but I just don't see it. I feel that we should feel a certain way that we just aren't. Before going off on me about "that's not love that's infatuation" please understand that I know the difference. I also know though, that the way we're feeling ISN'T how we should feel. It doesn't FEEL like a marriage. We don't seem to be the partnership that we should be.

You want the "husband and wife" feeing? I have two specific suggestions:

1. Sex. Lots of it. Daily, if you can.

2. Dates. (The going-out kind, not necessarily the fruit kind.) At least weekly.

But I am afraid. I'm afraid that my husband will just get fed up with me someday and leave. I'm sad that we have no romantic feelings between us after only a year. What will it be like ten years down the road if he doesn't ever open up and we don't ever work this out?

I think this is your estrogen talking. Women seem commonly to have such feelings, but men don't typically see things in this way. I doubt your husband thinks in this manner. I bet he does have romantic feelings toward you. Get naked and go tear off his clothes and see if I'm not right.

I know this is jumbled, and perhaps confusing, but please, someone help me. I need the help so badly. I need to know how we can fall in love again, and treat each other better as well.

You don't need to "fall in love again". You are already there; you just need to recognize love for what it is. The knight rescuing the maiden from the dragon and taking her to his castle is not love, it's a fairy tale. Love is a man and a woman with a common vision, working together, completely committed to each other, each looking out for the welfare of the other. If you're working toward that goal, then you are in love.

There is my advice. Take it for what you think it's worth.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

there are a lot of books and programs out there for assistance in restoring the passion in your marriage. if you look at almost any of the other marriage help threads you will find lists of them. i suggest you restore that passion and energy to your marriage before you go to the temple. you should feel excited and drawn toward such an ordinance, not go into it with hesitations and fear. getting sealed will not "fix" your marriage, it will only raise the stakes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I need to know how we can fall in love again, and treat each other better as well.

Being madly in love, with all those high flying feelings, is so easy & just a choice. The eternal principle for this is 'that we love who we serve'. If you will begin today to serve your husband's every need & wish, the best you can (& you will get better at it in time) & try to make him happy everyday with everything he wants, then you will fall so in love you won't be able to see straight. You will feel like your 1st married. It's the only way to live.

Pres. Hinckley said we can achieve 'exultant ecstacy' in our marriages & this is the way. He made us this promise:

"If you will make your 1st concern the comfort, well-being & happiness of your companion, sublimating any personal concern to that loftier goal, you will be happy & your marriage will go on through eternity."

Now, you can't cause your husband to fall in love with you merely by you serving him, your service to him earns 'you' those feelings not him. But you can encourage him to fall more in love with you by serving you, by giving him opportunities to serve you by asking him to do little things (at 1st) for you. When he does it, then flood him with gratitude & love & he will be more likely to do more for you next time you ask. Do this again & again, as much as possible without getting him upset with too much asking & this will lead him right into falling madly in love with you. The more he serves your every wish, the more he will love you & visa versa.

Falling in love (by serving them) is not only the best feeling in the world, it's the funnest thing we'll ever do. And within days or a couple weeks you will notice a huge difference if you do this alot every day. Make a love list for him or ask him to make one for you of the things that he would consider an ideal wife to be like or do. Then work on the list. Hopefully he will do the same for you & your list but don't have any expectations for it, just do it yourself for him & you will reap great rewards fast.

Oh, & I second the recommendation to see the movie "Fireproof",asap. It's a great movie that shows the effectiveness of this principle!

Edited by foreverafter
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Loudmouth-I don't like kids, and I'm not selfish enough to have them before I figure everything else out first. Don't worry. I know kids don't fix marriages...who even thinks that anymore?

To everybody else-thank you. I appreciate your understanding and kind words. My husband and I talked, and he admitted he has had a hard time loving me, but that he still does. He's been through such hell I can hardly blame him. We talked about the things that are wrong, finally, completely honestly. I know that everything will work out.

I will take the offered advice to heart, and put it to use, especially the dates and sex thing :P no but really, I truly appreciate all of the help.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

All good advice thus far.

My 2 cents' worth: Don't rush to the Temple Sealing. I'm not saying wait and see if you stay married, I'm saying that the looming "deadline" of a year is pressuring you into feeling like somehow you're not measuring up. You ant things to be great before you go get sealed and time's running out and it's stressful.

So just hit the snooze bar.

Ain't like you couldn't just schedule your sealing at some later point when you feel ready. The temple ain't goin' anywhere ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If I may offer a few words, being married for as long as I have, I can tell you all marriages are a work in progress, that is why with a priesthood sealing we are given an eternity to be with our loved one. The key is in both words, work and progress. If we are always working on it progress will be seen and we will attain new levels of love for our spouse. Friendship is the first level, willingness to give your life may be the last level.

Depression is always a problem in a marriage, I feel that we must guard ourselves from outside influences that may lead to depression. We see what others may have in a relationship and instead of working on obtaining it we begin to compare and depression sets in. When we have losses, jobs, income, health we go through a grieving process for a time. If it continues it can become depression, we need to realize that when we go into a woe is me time that is longer than normal grief, deprssion can slip in without realizing it.

Remember there is a force in the world, I won't mention his name since I do not want to give him any honor, that will do everything in his power to discourage us and ultimately destroy us. He uses tools like depression, hate, envy,coveting to get inside the door.

So if your spouse is aware of how you really feel and you are willing to put in the required effort, your marriage can be successful. Have you attended Temple preparation classes? It would be good if you would. Have either of you been through the Temple for yourselves? If not ask your Bishop for the classes from someone with alot of Temple attendance.

Edited by Compassionate
spelling
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share