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Gwen

resources/links for your marriage

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ok so we get ppl coming here a lot looking for advise on their marriage. the same links get posted... usually cause even though the names and details have changed to protect the innocent the answers/story is still the same.

so i thought we could have a thread not to discuss specific marriage problems but just links of good resources that can be referenced when the occassion arrises. they can be links to talks from the church leaders, different marriage/self help books or programs, websites, etc. so it's not really a discussion thread so much as a resources for your marriage thread. however, please throw in why you posted a specific talk or if you have read it and found it useful if you like. i'll start with ones i recommend or have seen recommended and yall can throw in as you see fit.

first the church resources LDS Family Services lots of info there including how to find an lds counselor in your area. if finances are a problem speak with your bishop.

another church location that may have some info you are looking for... Home & Family- Building a Strong Family

outside of the church resources... remember most websites have free email news letters that can have awsome information.

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice this one has the book "his needs her needs" as well as others by the same author (willard f. harley, jr. ph.d)

Marriage Counseling - Free Marriage Help – Save Marriage - Stop Divorce - Marriage Problem Solving (this one has a great free emails that come regularly)

Pamper your LDS Marriage with a "Magnify Your Marriage" Retreat! this guy is lds in case that matters to you.

Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment this one is also lds and has a lot of focus on the sexual difficulties in marriage that may not be addressed in other resources.

the movie "fireproof" and the book that inspired it "the love dare" often get suggested, here is the official site... Welcome To FireProofMyMarriage.com

The Five Love Languages this one gets recommended a lot

this one is also lds DeseretBook.com - For All Eternity

that's all i can think of off the top of my head....

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Since it seems that most marriage problems stem from some form of abuse by one or both spouses, I highly recommend the book, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. He is one of the leading authorities on Spouse Abuse & his books will help you identify & deal with any abuse in your marriage & help you protect yourself, your children & marriage from further abuse.

Pres. Hinckley said more than once how glad he was that people were becoming more aware of this rampant problem & learning how to deal with it. It seems to be happening in more than half the homes of the Church. I believe most abusive people can change if their spouse will lovingly & patiently but firmly, expect respect & teach them how to love & serve them & unlearn the prideful beliefs they were taught earlier in life.

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Resources for marriages where one or both partners have ADD/ADHD.

My primary recommendation is the book ADD & Romance by Jonathan Halverstadt. Johnathan has ADHD, and not only captures well the challenges this condition can bring to a marriage, but gives practical solutions to dealing with those challenges as well.

Another book is Gina Pera's Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD?. I generally would not recommend this book to the spouse who has ADHD as it is very much from the non-ADHD partner's perspective. For those married to someone with ADHD, this is your book for understanding and validation - esp if you are at your whit's end.

Other books include:

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy? : A Self-help Audio Program for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder

I've heard from those with ADHD that this is a very validating book making it clear that it is the disorder, not the quality of your character, that is at issue.

Driven To Distraction : Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder from Childhood Through Adulthood by Edward Hallowell

Recognized as the breakthrough book recognizing ADHD and it's effects on adults.

Delivered from Distraction by Edward Hallowell

I have the book, but couldn't get past the first half of it. Hallowell's writing clearly reflects his ADHD, and I couldn't stand reading it. Too much of an apologetic and patronizing tone for me to take it seriously.

Honey, are you listening - Written by an ADHD husband and his non-ADHD wife. I have not read it.

Living With Add When You're Not the One Who Has It A very rudimentary primer that introduces the concept of ADHD's impacts on a marriage, and one woman's awakening regarding why her marriage to her deceased husband was so hard. I was disappointed, and would not recommend it except as a starting place for introductory information.

Healing ADD, Daniel Amen

Dr. Amen is known as one of the leading researchers and thought provokers regarding ADHD

Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults by Lynn Weiss, Kenneth A. Bonnet Ph. D.

Adventures in Fast Forward: Life, Love, and Work for the Add Adult by Kathleen G. Nadeau

What Does Everybody Else Know That I Don't?: Social Skills Help for Adults With Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (Ad/Hd) a Reader-Friendly Guide by Michele Novotni, Randy Petersen (Contributor), Richard Dimatteo (Illustrator)

Adult A.D.D.: A Reader Friendly Guide to Identifying, Understanding, and Treating Adult Attention Deficit Disorder

Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults by Lynn, Ph.D. Weiss, Kenneth A. Bonnet Ph. D.

A.D.D. on the Job: Making Your A.D.D. Work for You by Lynn, Ph.D. Weiss

Journeys Through Adulthood: Discover a New Sense of Identity and Meaning While Living With Attention Deficit Disorder by Sari Solden, Edward M. Hallowell

You, Your Relationship & Your Add: A Workbook by Michael T. Bell

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How about advice BEFORE marriage...specifically about making a good choice, second marriages, and marriage after being widowed... Any links for those topics?

most any of them are good before. if you know this stuff from the beginning you can possibly prevent the marriage issues to begin with.

i would say the "and they were not ashamed" is a great one to read just before marriage. it addresses a lot about the issue of when you try to say no for so long and then suddenly sex is ok.... can create some issues. the perspective of when a kid grows up very religious and thinks sex is "bad"..... and the non simplicity of the female body... good info to have before the wedding night.

"his needs her needs" is good. some of the chapters could be cut out if one wanted to but it has some worksheets to help you figure out who you are and who the other person is, what they need.

"love languages" or any of the communication ones really.

and personally i would suggest taking any and all legit personality assessments you can. they can be fun to do and read results together but they can give great insight.

i spoke to a counselor once that said in her opinion anyone getting married to someone with kids (especially if they have been divorced) needs to do pre marriage counseling.

in making a good choice the best way (in my opinion) to do that is to understand yourself.... any program that lets you learn about who you are and why you do what you do would be good..... i bet there are a few of the ADD ones that would be good for that if one has been diagnosed.

that doesn't give any "extra" links so not sure if it answers your question.

Edited by Gwen

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My wife and I recommend Mark Gungor. We purchased his video series "Laugh your way to a better marriage". Our friends are all lined up to borrow it, several have already seen it and love it.

Here's a clip:

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There is a trend in this forum for people to come in and ask for advice about Pornography, Infidelity, and ailments that are facing marriages.

As many of us read, respond to, and participate in the ongoing discussions, there is the sense that much of what is being asked and discussed has already been posted in some form or another by another poster.

So, it is my hope that the mod's make this a sticky and that people who are having questions about their marital relationships come here and read this first before posting their questions for advice. Whether you want to call these rules or guidelines, it is up to the individual reader. However, I feel there needs to be some sort of parameter established regarding how one seeks after advice from others.

First, there are several pamphlets that have already been published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. These resources are basic and ought to be consulted by those who are seeking advice.

Resources to consult, read, study, and ponder

President Howard W. Hunter - "Being a Righteous Husband and Father" originally published in the November 1994 issue of the Ensign

President David O Mckay - Marriage and Divorce April 8, 1945 General Conference Address

Terrance D. Olson - Seeking the Spirit in Marriage, October, 1987 Ensign

President Ezra Taft Benson - To the Fathers in Israel, 1987 General Conference

At Home with the Hinckly's - An interview regarding Marriage.

President Hinkley - Marriage that Endures

President Hinckley - What God Hath Joined

Coping with Difficulties in Marriage

Elder Robert L. Simpson, 1982 - A Lasting Marriage

Charles B. Beckert - Pitfalls of Parallel Marriages

Spencer W. Kimball - First Presidency Message - Oneness In Marriage

Kenneth W. Matheson - Fidelity in Marriage: It's more than you think

Mending our Marriages - Oct. 1996 Ensign

Combating Pornography Website NOTE: This is a strong resource for those spouses who have discovered, suspect, or are dealing with the addiction of pornography and how to assist the spouse in their recovery. Since much of the threads here deal with pornography (either because a spouse comes here to confess their addiction, or a spouse who has recently discovered their husband/wife with the addiction to pornography) this website should become your friend.

Blended (Step-Families)

Divorce

Additional Marriage Resources

There are probably more resources available that deal with Marriage and difficulties in marriage, but these resources are here for those seeking advice. utilize these resources to your advantage. Read them, ponder them, study them.

Now that we have established a small library of resources, let us get to the guidelines here (or my own personal guidelines that I would like to see implemented in this forum).

1) Understand that when you post a thread where you are seeking advice, you will be receiving constructive criticism, as well as hard-line questioning. This is not because we are being mean-spirited, but the frequency of one person posting similar stories of spousal infidelity (Caught my wife/husband cheating - what do I do?) to harsh commentary that calls your integrity and character into question. Meaning, do not post something in this forum where you are not willing to endure positive and negative comments to your posting.

2) Read previous threads (maybe the Moderators can pool together a list of the common threads that deal with some of the common advice posters are asking for and categorize them so that they are searchable) as to what has already been said on similar subject of your advice. Meaning, if you are going to post something about catching your spouse having an affair with another person, then find those threads where others have previously posted and where there is discussion going on. This helps alleviate new posts on the same topic of advice and will actually engage everyone to discuss the topic openly and more appropriately. Why do we need twenty threads on the same "I just found out my spouse is cheating on me, what should I do?"

3) Understand that we are human beings and that each one of us have different perceptions on the same thing. While some of us are able to show forth empathy towards the posters who come here for advice, there are others who are more blunt and honest in their approach. Sometimes we have the best intentions at heart, and sometimes come off as offensive when we are being sincere and truthful. Other times, we are just being brutally honest with the topic at hand.

4) When posters recommend the person who is seeking advice to go to their Bishop/Branch President, this is not to discourage you, but is appropriate. If it is something where you need to confess grievous sins that is the more appropriate route to go. This is so that you get that person-to-person counseling one needs. While there is something of an anonymity in posting online one's "confession" it should not constitute having done so in a Church and ecclesiastical setting. Church Discipline is there to help the individuals who are struggling and allows those who need such counseling to begin the repentance process and healing. This is where you will receive the advice of another, work on the issues at hand. Something that really can't be accomplished online.

5) Keep those who are participating in these sensitive discussions updated on ones progress. This helps those who want advice to continue to find solace in knowing that there are members of the Church here to help, listen, pray, and encourage. Plus it gives you that added bonus of being held accountable for what you are doing and how you are progressing. This also allows those participating in seeing who really is sincere in seeking advice and change whereas there are some who just come here and post under a fictitious name and then abandon's the thread, only to come back months later with something similar, or more complaints as to what other problems are going on in the marriage relationship.

As previously stated, I hope the moderators will make this a sticky so that people who are coming here for advice can refer to the resources presented, be able to gauge their posting and ensure that they are really here for the right reasons.

We all need help, some more than others, but we all are in this together and we are here to help.

Timothy R. Berman

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Thank you, there are some great links in this post.

There is a trend in this forum for people to come in and ask for advice about Pornography, Infidelity, and ailments that are facing marriages.

As many of us read, respond to, and participate in the ongoing discussions, there is the sense that much of what is being asked and discussed has already been posted in some form or another by another poster.

So, it is my hope that the mod's make this a sticky and that people who are having questions about their marital relationships come here and read this first before posting their questions for advice. Whether you want to call these rules or guidelines, it is up to the individual reader. However, I feel there needs to be some sort of parameter established regarding how one seeks after advice from others.

First, there are several pamphlets that have already been published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. These resources are basic and ought to be consulted by those who are seeking advice.

Resources to consult, read, study, and ponder

President Howard W. Hunter - "Being a Righteous Husband and Father" originally published in the November 1994 issue of the Ensign

President David O Mckay - Marriage and Divorce April 8, 1945 General Conference Address

Terrance D. Olson - Seeking the Spirit in Marriage, October, 1987 Ensign

President Ezra Taft Benson - To the Fathers in Israel, 1987 General Conference

At Home with the Hinckly's - An interview regarding Marriage.

President Hinkley - Marriage that Endures

President Hinckley - What God Hath Joined

Coping with Difficulties in Marriage

Elder Robert L. Simpson, 1982 - A Lasting Marriage

Charles B. Beckert - Pitfalls of Parallel Marriages

Spencer W. Kimball - First Presidency Message - Oneness In Marriage

Kenneth W. Matheson - Fidelity in Marriage: It's more than you think

Mending our Marriages - Oct. 1996 Ensign

Combating Pornography Website NOTE: This is a strong resource for those spouses who have discovered, suspect, or are dealing with the addiction of pornography and how to assist the spouse in their recovery. Since much of the threads here deal with pornography (either because a spouse comes here to confess their addiction, or a spouse who has recently discovered their husband/wife with the addiction to pornography) this website should become your friend.

Blended (Step-Families)

Divorce

Additional Marriage Resources

There are probably more resources available that deal with Marriage and difficulties in marriage, but these resources are here for those seeking advice. utilize these resources to your advantage. Read them, ponder them, study them.

Now that we have established a small library of resources, let us get to the guidelines here (or my own personal guidelines that I would like to see implemented in this forum).

1) Understand that when you post a thread where you are seeking advice, you will be receiving constructive criticism, as well as hard-line questioning. This is not because we are being mean-spirited, but the frequency of one person posting similar stories of spousal infidelity (Caught my wife/husband cheating - what do I do?) to harsh commentary that calls your integrity and character into question. Meaning, do not post something in this forum where you are not willing to endure positive and negative comments to your posting.

2) Read previous threads (maybe the Moderators can pool together a list of the common threads that deal with some of the common advice posters are asking for and categorize them so that they are searchable) as to what has already been said on similar subject of your advice. Meaning, if you are going to post something about catching your spouse having an affair with another person, then find those threads where others have previously posted and where there is discussion going on. This helps alleviate new posts on the same topic of advice and will actually engage everyone to discuss the topic openly and more appropriately. Why do we need twenty threads on the same "I just found out my spouse is cheating on me, what should I do?"

3) Understand that we are human beings and that each one of us have different perceptions on the same thing. While some of us are able to show forth empathy towards the posters who come here for advice, there are others who are more blunt and honest in their approach. Sometimes we have the best intentions at heart, and sometimes come off as offensive when we are being sincere and truthful. Other times, we are just being brutally honest with the topic at hand.

4) When posters recommend the person who is seeking advice to go to their Bishop/Branch President, this is not to discourage you, but is appropriate. If it is something where you need to confess grievous sins that is the more appropriate route to go. This is so that you get that person-to-person counseling one needs. While there is something of an anonymity in posting online one's "confession" it should not constitute having done so in a Church and ecclesiastical setting. Church Discipline is there to help the individuals who are struggling and allows those who need such counseling to begin the repentance process and healing. This is where you will receive the advice of another, work on the issues at hand. Something that really can't be accomplished online.

5) Keep those who are participating in these sensitive discussions updated on ones progress. This helps those who want advice to continue to find solace in knowing that there are members of the Church here to help, listen, pray, and encourage. Plus it gives you that added bonus of being held accountable for what you are doing and how you are progressing. This also allows those participating in seeing who really is sincere in seeking advice and change whereas there are some who just come here and post under a fictitious name and then abandon's the thread, only to come back months later with something similar, or more complaints as to what other problems are going on in the marriage relationship.

As previously stated, I hope the moderators will make this a sticky so that people who are coming here for advice can refer to the resources presented, be able to gauge their posting and ensure that they are really here for the right reasons.

We all need help, some more than others, but we all are in this together and we are here to help.

Timothy R. Berman

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John Gottman's - Why Marriages Succeed or Fail . . . and how you can make yours last.

From the back of the book:

Psychologist John Gottman has spent 20 years studying what makes a marriage last. Now you can use his tested methods to evaluate, strengthen, and maintain your own long-term relationship. This breakthrough book guides you through a series of self-tests designed to help you determine what kind of marriage you have, where your strengths and weaknesses are, and what specific actions you can take to help your marriage.

You'll also learn:

* More sex doesn't necessarily improve a marriage

* Frequent arguing will not lead to divorce

* Financial problems do not always spell trouble in a relationship

* Wives who make sour facial expressions when their husbands talk are likely to be separated within four years

* There is a reason husbands withdraw from arguments -- and there's a way around it

Dr. Gottman tells you how to recognize attitudes that doom a marriage -- contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling -- and provides practical exercises, quizzes, tips, and techniques that will help you understand and make the most of your relationship. You can avoid patterns that lead to divorce, and -- Why Marriages Succeed or Fail will show you how.

John M. Gottman, Ph.D., whose breakthrough study of 2,000 married couples over two decades resulted in this book, is renowned for his ability to predict - with 94 percent accuracy - which people will stay married and which will divorce.

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The magnify your marriage site is down. I believe that he had to shut it down due to his, or his wife's health problems.

I went to one of his seminars, he was great. Wish it had lasted... Who knows, if we went to one again maybe things would be different.

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I love gungor, if only my marriage wasn't in MLC right now, his advice would be awsome for us. He has a pod cast too if you go through itunes called "mark gungor radio show". It's a little direct so for adults only, but if you can handle it, it's fun and informative. Fresh ideas responding to real emails from couples.

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ok so we get ppl coming here a lot looking for advise on their marriage. the same links get posted... usually cause even though the names and details have changed to protect the innocent the answers/story is still the same.

so i thought we could have a thread not to discuss specific marriage problems but just links of good resources that can be referenced when the occassion arrises. they can be links to talks from the church leaders, different marriage/self help books or programs, websites, etc. so it's not really a discussion thread so much as a resources for your marriage thread. however, please throw in why you posted a specific talk or if you have read it and found it useful if you like. i'll start with ones i recommend or have seen recommended and yall can throw in as you see fit.

first the church resources LDS Family Services lots of info there including how to find an lds counselor in your area. if finances are a problem speak with your bishop.

another church location that may have some info you are looking for... Home & Family- Building a Strong Family

outside of the church resources... remember most websites have free email news letters that can have awsome information.

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice this one has the book "his needs her needs" as well as others by the same author (willard f. harley, jr. ph.d)

Marriage Counseling - Free Marriage Help – Save Marriage - Stop Divorce - Marriage Problem Solving (this one has a great free emails that come regularly)

Pamper your LDS Marriage with a "Magnify Your Marriage" Retreat! this guy is lds in case that matters to you.

Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment this one is also lds and has a lot of focus on the sexual difficulties in marriage that may not be addressed in other resources.

the movie "fireproof" and the book that inspired it "the love dare" often get suggested, here is the official site... Welcome To FireProofMyMarriage.com

The Five Love Languages this one gets recommended a lot

this one is also lds DeseretBook.com - For All Eternity

that's all i can think of off the top of my head....

thank you for posting! A book I have and like is called "And They Were Not Ashamed" which can be found here: DeseretBook.com - And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment Paperback by Laura M. Brotherson

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This is an important quote. While we should be willing to sacrifice all things including our own families if asked to do so this is a true principle. Hyrum Smith as prophet to the church gave this lecture.

Do you have an unbelieving spouse?

Whereas, in times past persons have been permitted to gather with the Saints at Nauvoo, in North America—such as husbands leaving their wives and children behind; also, such as wives leaving their husbands, and such as husbands leaving their wives who have no children, and some because their companions are unbelievers. All this kind of proceedings we consider to be erroneous and for want of proper information. And the same should be taught to all the Saints, and not suffer families to be broken up on any account whatever if it be possible to avoid it. Suffer no man to leave his wife because she is an unbeliever. These things are an evil and must be forbidden by the authorities of the church or they will come under condemnation; for the gathering is not in hast nor by flight, but to prepare all things before you, and you know not but the unbeliever may be converted and the Lord heal him; but let the believers exercise faith in God, and the unbelieving husband shall be sanctified by the believing wife; and the unbelieving wife by the believing husband, and families are preserved and saved from a great evil which we have seen verified before our eyes. Behold this is a wicked generation, full of lyings, and deceit, and craftiness; and the children of the wicked are wiser than the children of light; that is, they are more crafty; and it seems that it has been the case in all ages of the world.

And the man who leaves his wife and travels to a foreign nation, has his mind overpowered with darkness, and Satan deceived him and flatters him with the graces of the harlot, and before he is aware he is disgraced forever; and greater is the danger for the woman that leaves her husband. The evils resulting from such proceedings are of such a nature as to oblige us to cut them off from the church.

And we also forbid that a woman leave her husband because he is an unbeliever. We also forbid that a man shall leave his wife because she is an unbeliever. If he be a bad man (i.e., the believer) there is a law to remedy that evil. And if the law divorce them, then they are at liberty; otherwise they are bound as long as they two shall live, and it is not our prerogative to go beyond this; if we do it, it will be at the expense of our reputation.

These things we have written in plainness and we desire that they should be publicly known,

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Resources for marriages where one or both partners have ADD/ADHD.

Another book is Gina Pera's Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD?. I generally would not recommend this book to the spouse who has ADHD as it is very much from the non-ADHD partner's perspective. For those married to someone with ADHD, this is your book for understanding and validation - esp if you are at your whit's end.

Delivered from Distraction by Edward Hallowell

I have the book, but couldn't get past the first half of it. Hallowell's writing clearly reflects his ADHD, and I couldn't stand reading it. Too much of an apologetic and patronizing tone for me to take it seriously.

ryanh, great resources. However, I would strongly discourage Gina Pera's book "Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD?. Although, it promotes CBT, a valid form of intervention for ADD. The book has some significant issues, most of them subtle but poisonous nonetheless. This book if fallowed can create a parenting type relationship, condescending toward the ADD spouse and some very unhealthy interactions.

Delivered from Distraction by Edward Hallowell is by far one of the best books for both ADD and spouse.

ryanh, great resources. However, I would strongly discourage Gina Pera's book "Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD?. Although, it promotes CBT, a valid form of intervention for ADD. The book has some significant issues, most of them subtle but poisonous nonetheless. This book if fallowed can create a parenting type relationship, condescending toward the ADD spouse and some very unhealthy interactions.

 

Delivered from Distraction by Edward Hallowell is by far one of the best books for both ADD and spouse.

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