Helpdaughter getting married to man she had affair with


dahebert
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shes 30 was in a very unhappy marriage with a man who knew everything, a true narcassist, ran everything, purchased everything and made her feel inferrior. She made the cholosal mistake of having an affair with someone she knew in high school and has carried a torch for her for 10 years. (Of course there was no contact until the last month or so).

The affair began 6 months ago and shes been excommunicated for it but is continuing the affair. I am her mother and have always taken the stance of, when you do things right you recieve the greater prize, just like our heavenly father does. Well the divorce came through last week and she is feverishly planning a wedding for Nov. 14th with all four of her kids, 3 bridemaids 3 ushers her in a wedding gown parents in tux, but we nixed that. We are appauled. But we have the unenviable position of being the only adults knowing all the salacious details and yet she wants me to help with the wedding plan...with a great big smile!

I am happy shes getting married rather than just living together, but he was a drinker and she loves immediate satisfaction,,,a great mix for trouble. Now aside for all that, at this point I just want to be left out of the planning, get a nice dress, also a nice gift and know when and where to congratulate her for legalizing this whole mess.

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I'm with you. I know she's your daughter..but the way I see it..you go through with the planning of all that..you are condoning the decisions she is making.

Sometimes you gotta go with tough love.

BTW..welcome to the site.

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I am happy shes getting married rather than just living together, but he was a drinker and she loves immediate satisfaction,,,a great mix for trouble. Now aside for all that, at this point I just want to be left out of the planning, get a nice dress, also a nice gift and know when and where to congratulate her for legalizing this whole mess.

I don't know how close you can talk with her, but when you can, please get her to check out the Narcissistic sites/forums on the net. If she was drawn to an N before the chances of her being drawn to another one if very high. Even if he's nothing like her first husband, he may well be a NPD. (Chances are you won't be able to do this until she's been married awhile)

Let her know you and hubby are pleased she's getting married, but you are just not up to organizing anything. I think your idea of nice dress and present and no more is perfect. Good luck with sticking to it. Is she likely to put a guilt trip on you?

It must be a worry for you. I hope they can remain faithful to each other.

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Been through this myself. Daughter was not unfaithful to son on law but he was abusive. Divorce. She left church. Lived with guy. They got married simple wedding in my other daughters house. I attended and love them both but did nothing more than be there all the way as emotional support. My best friend, Bishop, performed the wedding in my other daughter's house.

Ben Raines

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I am the same story that BenRaines has shared. My parents weren't thrilled about the circumstances but were supportive and happy that we decided to marry instead of just live together. Having said this, we paid for our own wedding and did not expect anything from anyone.

Welcome to the site :]

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Wow That's a tough call ,but I agree with you. The message she's sending your grandchildren in my view is the worst part. They should have a very simple wedding at home,and not turn in to a party .As far as be sealed in the temple again I'm not sure what churches postion is on that. I'd ask the bishop

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It sounds as if you have several different issues to deal with. First she married a controlling, abusive man. Second is that she divorced him. Third is the affair. Fourth is the example of the children. Fifth is the worry of what others would say if they knew. Sixth is she wants you to approve of a marraige that you disagree with the conditions of it. Plus you are expected to help with a wedding with a smiling face. That does not include your worries for future problems.

I think you need to concentrate on your own feelings and allow your daughter the right to make her own mistakes. It sounds as if you brought her up well, if so, she will return to her upbringing. Be the best example you can for her, her husband and your grandchildren. Decide on what you really want and use boundries. You are not required to give your blessing if you disaprove. Be kind and use lots of love. Keep doors open for later. You are not required to pay for a 2nd wedding. Talk to your grandchildren about the importance of marriage. Teach them about good and healthy relationships. Let them take the lead when they ask questions. Don't talk unhappily about your daughter or the situation to your grandchildren. Perhaps find a LDS councelor to talk your feeling out. S/he may give you some guidence on how to better cope with this situation and how to better lead your family in the paths of righteousness.

Prayers and good luck to you.

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I agree, raise her up properly and then let her make her decisions and/or mistakes. That means being supportive as well as letting her take the responsiblity if something goes amuck. That is the real hard part. It is much easier on us if we try to rush into make things better. If you do then you are really enabling her to continue that behavior without consequence. She learns nothing. Good luck

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I agree, let her take the responsiblity for her actions. I want to cry because this is not what I did. I would never want to give up my grandbabies. I did encourage my daughter to get married and make things right. Then I let her use me because I felt guilty about this. Then through a third party I realized what I was doing. I made some changes. The biggest change was I went to her and her husband and ask them to forgive me for some choices that I had made. I told them that I was angry and because of this the Holy Spirit could not be with me. I told them that they needed to make a choice. That I did not want to live without this guidance. That I would love them. That they needed to make the choices. I reminded my daughter she knew the way. That the Bishop was there if she didn't. That she was not alone and would not be as long as she was trying to make her life right. It is a struggle for me, yet. Some times she looks at me like she is waiting for me to say something. I tell her I love her and she knows the way. I still have pity parties. One , of my early ones lead me to this site. ... Hang in there my prayers are with you. You know the way...

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