Chastity and talking with the bishop...


snowwhite17
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The law of chastity has always been my weak spot. Probably because I am so completely insecure about myself. Whenever a guy gives me the time of day, it is just that extra confidence boost, and to turn a guy on... THis is terrible, but... It makes me feel... SEXY. Like, OMGsh! I was the one that caused that! He is turned on by ME. I want it to stop. For the first time in my life I don't see myself as a daughter of God, but an... animal... However, I know I have to talk to my bishop, But I am so scared. He is deaf (I go to a family deaf ward, even though I am not deaf) I dont know the language well, and I don't want to get an interpreter, because all of the interpreters are my friends, and I dont want them to think poorly of me. Not only that, my bishop is so terribly judgemental. I have been wondering if I should just wait it out, wait until we get a new bishop... But this is a problem that needs to be taken care of NOW.

Also, my, erm... Boyfriend? He is now EXPECTING this kind of stuff from me, like its a given... and I am so sorely tempted... But... THe worst part is... I dont even love him... or LIKE him.. He just makes me feel better about myself. I dont know what to tell him, because he is my best friend, and it will break his heart!! UGH! Maybe someone here has some advice... :)

Thanks,

Stay Beautiful

xx

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I'm confused. In one breath you say you don't even like him, then in the next you say he's your best friend? Which one is he?

You CAN break up with him, and here's why: YOU need to make YOURSELF feel better about YOURSELF. Whatever kind of guy he is (sweetheart, jerkface, whatever) it is not healthy for you to put your self image and self worth in his hands. It is not the makings of a healthy, long lasting relationship.

People survive broken hearts all the time. Breaking up with him won't kill him or cause him any lasting damage. My advice would be to tell him that you have some personal issues you need to work on (rediscovering your selfworth) and that you need to work on them *outside* of a relationship. And then I would recommend you take a break from dating anybody, no matter how good they make you feel, until you feel just as good about yourself WITHOUT a guy's attention.

Having a man in your life should make you happier, not happy. You should already be happy. You should already have that confidence. Otherwise you're in an unequal relationship, and those don't typically go well.

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Breaking up with him won't kill him or cause him any lasting damage.

Actually she'd most likely be doing him a favor as staying with him increases the chance of further sin and the consequences thereof. Two people who can't seem to keep themselves from engaging in sin with each other aren't doing themselves any favors. If he's your best friend the best thing is not for him to keep violating the law of chastity with you, quite the opposite actually.

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I CANT!! He really likes me, as in, he's mentioned marriage... I dont want to say something that would hurt him... He is my best friend after all...

I've been in your same situation, and I know it's hard. But this man does not truly love or respect you if he's "expecting" you to do things that are wrong. He is not marriage material. There are many righteous men who will make you feel properly loved and cherished. Not valued for your body or what you can offer him sexually.

As much as it hurts, I advise you to end it now before it gets even more difficult.

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Dating is about pain, it is about finding someone to eventually marry, however because it deals with emotions it is also about pain. He will go through other pains in life as will you, breaking up with him will not kill him or you. My first boyfriend was like this, except we were only holding hands but he wanted to kiss as well and I wasn't up for that with him. I broke things off with him and he ended up crying for an hour, but he got over it as did I.

I can relate to the low self esteem thing, I was very much the same way when I was a teen. But as you said in your post "Stay Beautiful" to do that you have to realize that you are worth more than this guy is giving you. You are a daughter of God and that really is something! Don't allow yourself to be cheapened by what some guy wants from you. I know that the attention you get from this guy makes you feel better about yourself, but after it is done don't you feel worse? I dealt with a lot of law of chastity issues, it was very tough for me, but going to the bishop to take care of my sins was always worth it. It will be tough, but knowing that you are clean is a wonderful thing. And making sure you are worthy for when you are married is definitely worth it as well. Always remember, you are a wonderful person and a beautiful girl, don't sell yourself short.

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Whoah, whoah, whoah. I think we should be a bit more understanding and compassionate here.

From what you're saying, it sounds like you have some body issues, a lack of self-esteem and if I were to guess you struggle with depression. Most people do when they want mutually incompatible things.

What you're feeling is normal. Most people, at one point or another in their life, will go through what you are: Tempted to do something because of how you feel. If you aren't used to feeling sexy and wanted, when someone makes you feel that way it's a powerful drug that makes you want to go on.

However, I want you to be very careful with how you're going here: You aren't attracted to your boyfriend. You don't want marriage, but you're going on anyway. Here will be the consequences if you continue down that road:

In order to not hurt someone, you continue to date him. He asks you to marry him and, afraid to hurt him, you say you will. You get married and perhaps have a child or two. Maybe it's the hormones, maybe it's a rough patch that goes on for a year. Regardless, you tell him how you feel in the heat of a moment. There's something in your voice that can't be denied and he knows the truth.

Your relationship changes overnight. Regardless of if you make up, he will always know you never loved him. Soon, the two of you won't even like each other. Your children will feel the lack of love in the home, you and your husband will be in a loveless marriage and will resent and even grow to hate one another. Both of your lives will be horribly scarred if you can't tell him the truth.

If that seems extreme, it isn't. A lot of marriages fail and, if in your heart of hearts you don't want it to succeed even in the beginning, it won't. Be honest with him.

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Snowwhite,

I give you credit for being aware that this issue needs to be corrected (as it is detrimental to yourself and offensive to the Lord), for seeking advice, and for realizing that you need to take better care of yourself to feel better about yourself. You've already taken the first step by admitting you have a problem and asking for advice.

No doubt you have learned that the thrill you feel by turning a guy on is only temporary, and will actually make you feel worse later if you act on it out of wedlock. In the long run, it hurts you.

Suffering from low self-esteem perpetuates a cycle of poor choices, which in turn makes you feel worse about yourself. You can't get out of such a spiral without taking the responsibility to do whatever it takes to change. Poor self-esteem is always caused by something external (outside of yourself). Children aren't born with low self-esteem; most often it is caused by trauma of some degree. It may take a lot of work and time to discover how you got that way, and how to heal.

You have to stay away from your slippery places (and people) if you want to feel better about yourself and feel Heavenly Father's love. It is never too late. Any boy who expects you to do what you aren't confortable doing, or what you know is wrong, is not your true friend. You don't need a boyfriend or a husband like that. Tell him the truth. You need to take care of yourself by following God's law of chastity, and that is more important to you than anything else right now.

Being in a relationship with someone you don't love or even like is actually a very common mistake for women and girls with low self-esteem and abuse issues. Depending on someone else to feel better is called co-dependancy. It goes along with the inability to feel your self worth. It is a common issue and there is help for it. There are 12-step programs within the church and outside the church that can help you work on yourself and make the changes that will in turn help you to feel better about yourself.

Take strong measures to keep yourself safe. Make rules for yourself never to be alone with a boy or in compromising situations. Set up a support system to keep you strong when you are tempted. Try imagining and connecting with a part inside yourself, perhaps a younger part, that you can love and protect. Make it your job to keep "her" safe and out of trouble.

The law of chastity can be a difficult for many people of any age without a testimony. In a world where people regularly indulge and justify sin, it is a blessing and an honor to know that we are given this commandment for our protection and best interest, by a loving Father in Heaven who cares about us and wants us emotionally and physically healthy.

You might want to consider writing a letter to your bishop to bring in with you when you see him. That way you can think out and write exactly what you want to say without feeling judged. If you feel your bishop is judgemental, you may want to find an advocate that you trust to go in with you when you meet with him. Some bishops just aren't that understanding or good with people. You don't want to let a bishop make your feel worse about yourself when you're already suffering with low self-esteem. Ask for a blessing, and for uplifting help and inspiration. You may also want to have a support system available to talk with you after you see your bishop.

This may be the toughest challenge you've had to face. But you've already shown by your comments that you know what is right. Good luck, and may you gain strength and security as you become closer to the Lord.

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So sad that there are so many young (and even older) people desperate for love and attention that they will turn to unhealthy, and ultimately, unfulfilling ways in attempt to get their emotional needs met. My heart goes out to all such.

Two thoughts come to my mind.

1) You will be susceptible to such reactions to the affections of others until you are able to feel love for yourself, and our Heavenly Father's love for you. Wish I could remember the article, talk, or post I vaguely recalls seeing that put this so well and so compassionately. When a person finally is able to truly feel the unconditional love of Heavenly Father, they can be freed of so many of life's ills. When we are so desperate for acceptance and love, we ought to be turning to our perfect Heavenly Father to obtain those feelings rather than flawed people who will only bring us misery.

2) We are warned, pretty clearly, in the Book of Mormon to "not procrastinate the day of your repentance". Such sound advice! There may be some very significant obstacles to meeting with your bishop and engaging in the necessary confession steps for repentance. But, it is needful, and not something you should be putting off in deference to worldly concerns.

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You are all so kind, and considerate to my situation... Thank you so much for being so understanding... However... What can I do about my Bishop predicament? We have this language barrier, as well as I hate how non-understanding and judgemental he is... we just don't get along... How can I fix this problem?

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You are all so kind, and considerate to my situation... Thank you so much for being so understanding... However... What can I do about my Bishop predicament? We have this language barrier, as well as I hate how non-understanding and judgemental he is... we just don't get along... How can I fix this problem?

How is it that you're in a ward for the deaf? I could see where that would be a huge barrier coupled with your feelings about your Bishop.....:confused:

What about talking to you're YW president or counselors? What about talking to Mom? I know our children don't always feel comfortable talking to Mom -- that's why I suggested YW leaders. They may have some great advice for you and may be able to help you with your visit to the Bishop. I know when I was Activity Day Leader for primary that the girls would often talk to me about problems.

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How is it that you're in a ward for the deaf? I could see where that would be a huge barrier coupled with your feelings about your Bishop.....:confused:

What about talking to you're YW president or counselors? What about talking to Mom? I know our children don't always feel comfortable talking to Mom -- that's why I suggested YW leaders. They may have some great advice for you and may be able to help you with your visit to the Bishop. I know when I was Activity Day Leader for primary that the girls would often talk to me about problems.

First off, I AM the mom... My mother is far too ill to do anything but veg all day long... So I spend 90% of my time taking care of six kids. So, I can't really talk to her... She wouldn't listen, nor would she really care anyway... As for talking to my YW leaders... I cant... I just... Can't bring myself to have them disrespect me, like I KNOW they will!

As for being in a deaf ward... My parents raised all my siblings in that ward-- they met as interpreters-- and were very well associated with the deaf community... I know how to sign, just not well enough to carry on full on conversations. ... *sigh*

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Why are you so sure that your YW leaders will have nothing but disrespect for you? I've heard your story and I don't have any disrespect for you. I see a young woman, that Heavenly Father loves, having a serious problem who needs some advice.

As for you mom, I'm sorry she is so unavailable and I'm truely sorry that you are having to take care of your siblings. You sound very bitter -- could this be where a lot of your problems stem from?

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Why are you so sure that your YW leaders will have nothing but disrespect for you? I've heard your story and I don't have any disrespect for you. I see a young woman, that Heavenly Father loves, having a serious problem who needs some advice.

As for you mom, I'm sorry she is so unavailable and I'm truely sorry that you are having to take care of your siblings. You sound very bitter -- could this be where a lot of your problems stem from?

most members are very very judgemental...I don't blame her, maybe she coould talk to her stake pres? I know it is jumping the line of authority but she need to feel secure in her desire to repent

as for your mom it is an unnecessary burden that has been placed on you and while I am unaware of all the details it would seem that you have every right to be bitter and upset....

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Write a letter. Sit down with him and have him read it. Two hundred million dollars it will go better than you think. :)

Love yourself enough to do it. You deserve that.

I have to support this. Admittedly my relationship with my Bishop was better than yours sounds like but I had issues with communicating everything I needed to. It wasn't a language barrier, both of us spoke fluent English but I found it easier to express and thus communicate what I needed to written down as opposed to spoken. I'd get flustered and forget stuff or worry about just how saying some things would sound (the thought of saying, "I did X." filled me with anxiety and caused me to clam up). So I wrote him a letter, now I delivered it in person during an appointment so he didn't think I was trying to confess by mail or anything like that, but it helped me communicate what I needed to when English failed. It also let me phrase things more clearly, nervous people ramble but you can get around that with the written word as you can carefully plan out what you want to communicate.

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most members are very very judgemental...I don't blame her, maybe she coould talk to her stake pres? I know it is jumping the line of authority but she need to feel secure in her desire to repent

as for your mom it is an unnecessary burden that has been placed on you and while I am unaware of all the details it would seem that you have every right to be bitter and upset....

I do know members who are very judgemental too -- I also know members who want nothing to do but help and give good advice, that's why I was asking her about her YW presidency -- if they've been around for a while and she knows them well enough they might have been someone to talk to. It was just an suggestion. She came to us and I think it's hard to give advice on these forums when we don't know eachother personally.

I agree also that she does have the right to feel bitter but I also know that this kind of bitterness can lead one to make horrible mistakes and feel very bad about one's self.

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perhaps I am a bit bitter... Alright... I am a LOT bitter... But I really wished that it didn't come out so obvious in my writing. I SUPPOSE I could talk to my stake pres... But he doesn't really know who I AM let alone want to listen to the pathetic problems I have, right? *sigh*

Thank you for your help you guys, it means so much to me. :) I really, truly appreciate it. I have been praying to get a good answer that I can use, and it seems like I have been getting wonderful advice, and I am so very grateful! :)

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most members are very very judgmental

One thing I've observed watching people: What people expect from others is more a reflection on themselves more so than on the reality of the situation.

How does this apply to you Snowwhite?

From what is posted, it appears you are far more judgmental and harsh on yourself than other people likely would be. That appears to be heavily coloring your expectations to be different from what reality would be. Your stake pres would care. Expecting such harsh judgments from others is exactly how Satan would want you to feel. he wants to keep you isolated, and without the love and support that you rightly deserve. If you can't go to your bishop now, go to some sisters you can trust, or the stake pres. He will hear you out. Been there. Done that.

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