HELP!!!! Marriage Slipping!!!!

[CSS4Life]

My wife and I have been married for almost two years now. We have a great relationship and we love each other. Needless to say, we both know that we would lay our lives down for each other. When we were first married we were "two peas in a pod." We were inseparable and we were happy. During our first year of marriage we both felt that we had been blessed tremendously! We both have great full-time jobs that pay very well and we are both going to school part-time.

Here is my first issue. Our intimacy has diminished and is continuing to fall quite rapidly. I have talked to my wife about this and she understands that I see an issue and that it is getting worst by the minute. I have tried everything in the book to spice things up again. But nothing seems to work. I feel like the more I try with failed attempts the more I feel depressed and overwhelmed. I am starting to get the idea that I'm am the only one in the marriage that is working to make things better. We recently moved to a new area and I don't have anyone I feel comfortable talking to. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!

Second, when we were first married, having a child was in a few of our conversations. We recently have adopted a dog and I have heard her mention that, "we have a dog, why do we need kids?" On another occasion, she has told me that she does not want to have any kids. I love kids and I want kids and she knows this. I know I may not have the financial ability to support a non-working mother and one kid.

I'm hanging on my last thread. I'm starting to feel selfish because I keep working at it and nothing happens. What do you do in this type of situation? What do you do when you marry someone you thought was one way and then after you get married they turn into someone else?

[FairChild]

I know this may be a crazy question, but what do you mean spice things up? Are you talking sex, romance or perhaps building a deeper and more loving relationship?

[CSS4Life]

Well sex/romance is a big part of marriage. Yes I do feel that sex and romance is missing or diminishing from our marriage. I feel that currently it's one sided.

[Gwen]

http://www.lds.net/forums/advice-board/25622-resources-links-your-marriage.html

sounds like there is something she is feeling/thinking about that yall aren't talking about. i can tell ya not wanting kids is a huge turn off for a woman's libido. that's where kids come from so the desire bottoms out. why the change on wanting kids? is the dog out of control, is she worried she won't be able to handle kids? just cause she changed doesn't mean she was intending to mislead you before. sometimes things change, sometimes circumstances/new info comes up you weren't expecting that change your opinion from what it was a few yrs or even a few months earlier.

[NeuroTypical]

I can recommend a very good book for the two of you: And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment. It is a very respectful and detailed instruction manual, but it also delves into a bunch of common problems couples and spouses have. It's received the bretheren's nod of approval.

LM

[ryanh]

Two years huh? So the honeymoon phase is wearing off fast now, if not completely gone. How much reading have you done regarding the typical progression and changes of marriage relationships?

You say “tried everything in the book to spice things up again”. The connotations of that statement indicate approaching it like a man typically would – as would be expected as that is precisely the perspective you are coming from. You might need to look at your intimate relationship through different paradigms. How much have your efforts been in the form of service and serving your wife?

Can’t suggest much as I don’t know what you have or have not done. It would be helpful to know what you have read, or other efforts (not specifics on technique or anything!!!! ) you have made to turn things around. How much have you searched LDS.org for general conference talks on marriage?

It does sound like you are facing some of the typical changes and maturity of relationship that makes a marriage “work”, not automatic bliss. It takes effort and refinement.

Men marry a woman hoping she will never change, only to find she often will. Women marry a man hoping to change him, only to find he often won’t. It’s just a sad fact of life that frustrates both genders.

Trust me, I fully understand how important intimate connections and compatibility are in marriage. President Kimball referred to sexual incompatibility as the primary cause of divorce among LDS according to ‘research’ by the Church. But, for many men, being in a marriage is simply going to be a continual frustration that you will have to accept in order to stay married. You simply may never be able to feel as close and emotionally connected with your wife as you want to be, in the manner that would be your first choosing. Look for other ways that are mutually satisfying to both of you, even if not the ‘best’ choice for you.

Do lots of reading. Five Love Languages is a good place to start if you haven’t already.

[CSS4Life]

Thanks everyone for your comments.

Gwen, no the dog is not a problem at all. We adopted him 6 months ago and the foster family trained him. So he is very well behaved. I have known my wife long enough that she would never lead me astray.

Loudmouth_Mormon, thanks I'll take a look at that book. I haven't heard about that one before.

Ryanh, I love service and I try to serve my wife as much as I can. Not because I have too, because I want too. "A clean kitchen is a happy wife." I will take a look at your book.

Thanks again everyone!

[Ruck]

One more book you might want to check out is called:

Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments by Jeffrey R. Holland

My wife's grandpa asked me to read it after we were married. A great book that you should check out, talking about love and making it last.

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

I would also suggest the following book Living a Covenant Marriage, edited by Douglas E. Brinley and Daniel K Judd.

[LDSVALLEY]

My wife and I have been married for almost two years now. We have a great relationship and we love each other. Needless to say, we both know that we would lay our lives down for each other. When we were first married we were "two peas in a pod." We were inseparable and we were happy. During our first year of marriage we both felt that we had been blessed tremendously! We both have great full-time jobs that pay very well and we are both going to school part-time.

Here is my first issue. Our intimacy has diminished and is continuing to fall quite rapidly. I have talked to my wife about this and she understands that I see an issue and that it is getting worst by the minute. I have tried everything in the book to spice things up again. But nothing seems to work. I feel like the more I try with failed attempts the more I feel depressed and overwhelmed. I am starting to get the idea that I'm am the only one in the marriage that is working to make things better. We recently moved to a new area and I don't have anyone I feel comfortable talking to. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!

Second, when we were first married, having a child was in a few of our conversations. We recently have adopted a dog and I have heard her mention that, "we have a dog, why do we need kids?" On another occasion, she has told me that she does not want to have any kids. I love kids and I want kids and she knows this. I know I may not have the financial ability to support a non-working mother and one kid.

I'm hanging on my last thread. I'm starting to feel selfish because I keep working at it and nothing happens. What do you do in this type of situation? What do you do when you marry someone you thought was one way and then after you get married they turn into someone else?

Read 7 habits of highly effective families by Stephen R Covey. Who is a church member but it is not a church book. After reading it several times, buying many copies and giving them to others I found it works. I am not smart enough to apply it always but when things get rough in my marriage i pick it up again and things get back on track.

Until you read it follow this advice from it but based on my memory of what it says.

Love her. Love is a verb and a noun. When we are active in loving then the spirit of love returns or grows. We must first love then we become in love.

It is hard to do but I have learned to force myself to repeat love her over and over again when I am trying to get us back to where we want to be. I ignore the digs, and comments and talk kindly and loving. I go out of my way to do little things for her, wash dishes without asking, sweep the floor, give extra hugs or kisses even if they are not encouraged at first.

After a week of forcing myself to do it then it becomes natural. Usually at two weeks she is doing it as well and things are good again. After going through this routine a few times my wife often starts the process herself without having read the book because she sees that it works. It would be better if I could keep in this frame of mind but life gets in the way and I neglect the habit and things go down again.

The idea marriage is 50-50 is a farce. Sometimes it's 90-10, 60-40 etc. 50-50 is not marriage but a divorce settlement. I don't make promises lightly ever but I have experienced this habit enough that I will promise you things will be better if you read it and apply it. Even better if the two of you can read it and apply it together. But even one is enough.

[Super_Kitten]

Many women who are members of the Church stay home with their children but there are also many who don't. I know that daycare isn't always the ideal situation for children to be in but if you are both working maybe this would be the best option and at least if she knew that daycare could be an option she would feel a little better about having children. Not all women are cut out for being stay at home moms. Maybe she doesn't want to stay home but is afraid of your reaction if she was to tell you.

[Elgama]

Also sex does sometimes just go in peaks and troughs there have been times when more than once a night every night would be great and other times when once a month is a struggle. Same goes for my husband

[MorningStar]

Your wife probably doesn't understand that sex isn't just about feeling good for men, but that it helps them feel like everything is OK with their marriage. But I would suggest not approaching this as if sex is your #1 goal here. If you're taking the approach of "spicing things up", most likely it's spicy enough for her and something deeper is going on. Try talking to her about how she feels about other aspects of your marriage and maybe you'll find things aren't as perfect for her as you think.

Women often expect their husbands to be mind readers and they pretend everything is OK when it's really not.

If she is for some reason put off by sex right now, don't make her feel like that's your number one goal. For example: If you offer to give her a non-sexual backrub and then you put on the moves, she'll think you had ulterior motives. Women need physical touch that is non-sexual and pressure free. I love it when I'm cooking in the kitchen and my husband comes up behind me and gives me a hug without grabbing me suggestively.

One of my best friends was hurt because sometimes she just wanted to cuddle. Maybe she was tired or didn't feel well. Her husband flat out told her that if it wasn't going to lead to something more, then he wasn't going to cuddle with her - he couldn't handle it. So she avoided any touch unless it was going to lead to sex, which was sad for her. When they were dating, she loved the cuddling with no strings attached. It's also common for married couples to stop kissing so much and then it's all about the deed with the attitude of, "Why kiss now that we can have sex?" (I'm not saying any of this is the source of your problem - just throwing ideas out there.)

A relative's wife told me how her husband would steep herbs every night and soak her feet, then give her a foot and leg massage. For quite some time she thought he expected romance, but after consistently doing this for weeks on end, she realized he just wanted to help her relax. And because he's so considerate of her comfort (she has restless leg syndrome), she felt even more attracted to him.

It's complicated. The best thing you can do is talk to her and ask her what she needs. She might even be experiencing pain and doesn't want to tell you. It ruins the experience for a guy if it hurts his wife, so she could be choosing to stay silent about it if she believes nothing can help.

Good luck! Don't stop working on all aspects of your marriage and make sure to pray together.

[its_Chet]

One of my best friends was hurt because sometimes she just wanted to cuddle. Maybe she was tired or didn't feel well. Her husband flat out told her that if it wasn't going to lead to something more, then he wasn't going to cuddle with her - he couldn't handle it. So she avoided any touch unless it was going to lead to sex, which was sad for her. When they were dating, she loved the cuddling with no strings attached.

The flip side of this coin is that a lot of guys (every one I know), once they've been married and are no longer in "the V club", find physical intimacy to be an absolute need. Asking them to go without it is like asking them to go without food or water sometimes. And beyond reassuring them that their marriage is okay or providing pleasant physical sensations, it also tends to provide a married man with emotional fulfillment, more than anything else. If you talk to two married men, one of which is married to a woman who is taking care of his needs and the other of which is not, and you ask them both how loved they feel, the answer would be obvious.

A "frustrated" husband would tell you that if he could only be shown the love he needs, and if only his "frustration" was addressed, he would be more able to cuddle and do other such things, as he wouldn't be teasing himself by doing them. But if his needs aren't being met, those activities are just torture for him, especially if he knows in advance they won't lead to something more. For a man, these affections are precursors to full intimacy, and they DEFINITELY get a man "prepared" for it, perhaps even deperate for it. This man that MorningStar mentions who was so stingey with his affections may not necessarily have been doing that out of coldness, so much as just trying not to further torture himself.

This has actually been my own personal experience. I'd avoid contact like that because it just made me need more, which I often had to do without. It's like being forced against your will to fast for weeks and then volunteering to cook a meal for someone. And if you decline to go near the food, you're accused of being unloving or cold, when you're really not. This is asking more of a man that I think some women realize. Of course, a real man is not even going to think about taking his needs anywhere else, and like I said, there are emotions involved. For me, love was always a factor in desire. And being rejected by the one you love hurts. It also affects your self esteem. Taken to the extreme, this will destroy a marriage and reduce a man (or a woman?) to an agonized emotional wreck.

And yet, the woman's point of view is also valid, even if not understandable. Is it hang ups? Is it ignorance of the fact that anything a married couple mutually agree to do behind closed doors is okay with the Lord?

Surely there's a happy medium. Anyone know what it is? I'd like to know.

[stud_greg]

I have been married for a year and a half. I am not an expert on marriage but realize that you are not either if you have only been married for two years. I do know however about the plan of salvation. The scriptures teach us that neither is the man without the woman nor the woman without the man. We believe in families in the church. Families are the reason that we want to return to live with our Father in Heaven once again. Just as Elder Holland, a member of the twelve apostles, said heaven would not be heaven for me without my wife and without my children. My family although small is what brings me the most overwhelming joy. we are expecting our first baby boy in about 4 months and i'm pretty nervous to be a dad. Communication is the most important concept of a marriage. your bishop has the keys to give you the right council for your concerns at this time. However, in my own experience if i ever feel like i cannot talk to my wife about a certain subject no matter how insignificant, it can eat away at you little by little. express your concerns and write out goals that you have as a couple. Marriage does not take 50/50 it takes a 110/110 you should give more than you receive and the best part of that is that it is an investment where you will receive more in return in the end. That simply might just be more happiness and more faith in the Savior. He the most of all knows your circumstances and can help you the most. you and your spouse should read your scriptures together DAILY and pray every night and morning DAILY with specific requests for blessings for your spouse. If you do the basics in your home the spirit will be invited and you can work through any hard times with the Saviors help.

[crazypotato]

I'm a female. I don't know what your wife's deal is, but here are some different suggestions:

Put a water fountain type thing in your bedroom. You know those rock and water fountains. And a real plant in there. Take your wife outside into nature, like on a stroll to a beautiful place. Nature is supposed to relax and turn on women, especially the sound of running water. Or bring home fresh flowers.

As a woman, I know that we don't understand men a lot. Unfortunately, a lot of us women think that men are all jerks if they always want sex, and they just want to "do us". We don't all realize that men are not a bunch of pigs. I know this sounds harsh, but women, even lots of LDS women, are subconsciously raised to think that men are jerks for wanting our bodies all the time, and that men are, well, oppressive to women. She might have some of these thoughts dangling in the back of her head without even knowing it. If she is tired and feeling overwhelmed with life, that is often the last thing she wants to do. Maybe a good book, like "And they were not ashamed" could be read together as a couple and you could see if she has any hangups about men or sex.

[Elphaba]

Nature is supposed to relax and turn on women, especially the sound of running water.

I'm a woman and nature, especially the sound of running water, only makes me want to pee!

Elphaba

[Cassiopeia]

"A clean kitchen is a happy wife." I will take a look at your book.

Yeah, not so much. Not when it comes to being intimate with the man you love. The kitchen being clean is a completely different area of focus for us.

Let me show you something a family therapist told a group.

For men: The act of intimacy 90% importance--romance 10%

Women: Romance 90% importance---the act of intimacy 10%

And learning to communicate (and it's more than just talking and hearing) is going to be what brings the spice back into your marriage for your wife. Invest in a class for interpersonal communications and listening. I've been studying communications for over 30 years now and I'm still working on it, so I can promise you, you need help with it.

If you think that your marriage is slipping fast because you aren't having sex, you are missing the point of the relationship. If either your wife or you were paralyzed and unable to have sex...what would you do? Would you abandon her? She you?

Ask your wife how she feels, what she thinks would help her and stop putting so much pressure on her. If she's not interested in being intimate with you, you better find out why and not be defensive with her.

And about change, life changes us all. If we aren't constantly changing and growing we are standing still or sliding backwards. Why don't you stop picking at how your wife has changed and look at what's right about her. And yeah, I can see why she doesn't want a child. She's working and going to school, AND taking care of you too. So it's just a bit much especially when the woman is the primary care giver for the children.

You might want to stop expecting so much of her. It's really unfair. Do that and maybe she'd enjoy being intimate with you. As it is right now, it's probably a threat to her freedom such as it is. Cos you know, having sex is how women get pregnant. Just might be, she's afraid to risk pregnancy.