Struggling with faith.

[Azriel]

But when I pray I don't feel His love. And since this last incident I've probably prayed more than the last few weeks combined.

I DO talk to Him. I just can't hear Him right now, not like I used to for sure.

[lattelady]

I know that feeling, for sure. It's discouraging...and hard to hold on to hope when you can't/don't hear from God. He's still there, even when it doesn't feel like it...and His Word is an "ever-present help in times of trouble."

"Hello Lord, it's me, Your child; I have a few things on my mind: right now I'm faced with big decisions and I'm wondering if You have a minute 'cause right now I don't hear so well and I was wond'ring if You could speak up. I know that You tore the veil so I could sit with You in person and hear what your saying, but right now...I just can't hear You.

I don't doubt Your sovereignty, I doubt my own ability to hear what You're saying and to do the right thing and I desperately want to do the right thing..." (some of the words to a song that I love by Sara Groves)

[Misshalfway]

But when I pray I don't feel His love. And since this last incident I've probably prayed more than the last few weeks combined.

I DO talk to Him. I just can't hear Him right now, not like I used to for sure.

I know. But it doesn't mean what you think it means. God doesn't rush in with immediate assurances and part the red sea answers sometimes. Why, especially when our suffering is at its most accute? I don't know completely. But this, I am becoming convinced, is the territory where faith is tested and strengthened.

"Dispute not because ye see not." That is the commandment and it is one of the choices we have placed before us. Or do we doubt and allow the circumstance to convince us that there isn't a God and if there is he certainly doesn't care about me. Remember whose voice that is.

You remember when you felt the light. Hang on to that and let that fuel your drive through. Perhaps the answers came easy for you when you were younger in the spiritual progression process. But you are older now and ready for harder challenges. Let the challenges pass through you and don't fight against the process so much. Trust. God is still in charge. He is still the master of your life. And when you look back on what you thought was a wasteland, you will see the little sprouts of what God is planting right now as he cultivates a beautiful garden inside and around you. And sometimes the garden isn't what we wanted. I remember wanting relief! And justice! And healing! God instead wanted big changes in me instead. So, as I realized "OH! That's what you were doing", I am taught again that I must learn to defer my will to His.

Hold on. You'll be ok thru the dark. Sing "Abide with me, tis even tide" and trust. And when the fear and anger and disputations well up inside you, parent them with calm reassurance. God supports us through all our afflictions if we remain faithful. "Be still; and know that I am God."

Edited November 10, 2009 by Misshalfway

[candyprpl]

I'm really sorry you are having a hard time with the people who are suppose to support you and love you. It's not how it should be and we can't know exactly why it is that people sometimes give up on us or whatever. Those are hard tests we have to deal with. I've led a pretty lonely life -- but as I've gotten older I've been able to see my part in that loneliness. It's times like those that I turn it over to the Lord.

I know you don't feel Him like you use to and I'm not going to speculate on the reasons for that. There have been times when I have felt the Spirit withdraw -- those were teaching times for me. Heavenly Father wants us to find out for ourselves how to deal with different situations. He's trying to perfect us. I know -- who needs perfection -- we just want to be happy and live a normal life! He wants more for us. We have to always think of this time here as a small moment -- cause it is if we think about having an eternal life.

Do the best you can -- serve the best you can. Go to the meetings for you and not for anyone else. Don't look for the praise of man or listen to the angry words of another. They are struggling also. Maybe it's a time to step back from the situation and know that this will all pass. Remember Joseph Smith in Liberty jail. He was doing everything right and still he felt the Lord wasn't listening to him (see D&C 121). So try not the despair too much -- that is when satan has a lot of power. For me, I don't want him to have that power over me -- he had it once and I was miserable!

[Azriel]

Just letting you know that I am reading the responses and taking them seriously.

I'm feeling better today. I talked about everything with my girlfriend's mom (She's just Ma to me, too)

Eventually I realized that, like usual, my anger was my armor against the hurt I was feeling. Throughout most of my life it's been the only reliable shield to cover up the inner pain. I'd use it until the pain was tolerable, something I could cope with.

I have some abandonment issues. Everyone up to this point in my life that I've been attached to, whether friends, family, or staff and therapists, have in some way left my life and/or given up on me.

This has all brought up all that pain again. I was able to let some of that out yesterday (not too long after the last post). Now that I know the source, it'll be easier to manage.

I know I need to change the way I think about things. I'm a pessimistic person. I see everything that could go wrong, and plan as if it would. I'm naturally distrustful of others, and paranoid about their actions and thoughts towards me. I've adjusted to be used and hurt by others that I can't help but think about what they want of me when I'm around them. (I honestly can't conceive that someone would want me around just because I'm good company.)

I don't know how to change this. Even when I read Scriptures my mind is invaded with thoughts about things that seem "off" (things too man-made or conceived, and things that add up too nicely, the way a sly salesman could make them, or things that just seem inconsistent). I don't find that I'm able to go to them for comfort, peace, or understanding on a consistent basis.

I seem to recall a Gen Con talk about learning to see things "half full" instead of "half empty." Does any recall such a talk? It may have just been an Ensign article. I'd be grateful for a link.

Anyway, I feel like going so I can get down on my knees. I know I need to put more effort into that.

But, honestly, aside from taking the Sacrament, I don't see why I should go to church. Social environments can be hard enough for me, and after all this? Should I bother to work on going right now, or should I focus more on redeveloping more fundamental pieces of my relationship with God?

[candyprpl]

Don't stop going -- there is strength you'll gain by attending all your meetings -- I promise! It just may not seem evident right now. (I'll look for that article and see what I can find) Someone may find it before me.

I've suffered with similar coping skills. It's hard to break free of those well worn skills. It helps knowing that Jesus knows what has happened to us to develop those skills. We must now learn to turn the burden over to Him and follow his path. It's hard, I know. You sound better and that's good. Don't give up -- hang in there.

[candyprpl]

I don't know if this is the talk but it's a good one about adversity.

Unfortunately I'm don't know how to set up a link but.....go to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints -- gospel library and type in Adverity - Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign 1998, July. That should bring it up.

Here's the link: LDS.org - Ensign Article - Adversity

Edited November 20, 2009 by pam

[Stidgeion]

just my two cents ...i find that went I seek the spirit and cant find it .. its usualy because I know what I need to do ..should do ... I just dont want to do it ...

[Azriel]

Well, went to Church last Sunday. After taking the Sacrament I finally felt the Spirit again, and forgiveness. Started sobbing, :/ . We had to leave early, though. (Ugh!)

I do have this next Sunday off, too, and plan on attending.

Elders have transfers soon. I am most definitely not the only one in the branch the is hoping the Elder I've had problems with is the one to get transferred. Glad to know it's not just me being overly bothered, but it's a general consensus.

[HoosierGuy]

I'm struggling with faith too after a year and a half in the church. No friends in the church does not help. Yes, I have home teachers. Yes, one guy, a former Bishop, calls me and shows he cares, but he cares about one and all. I'm talking about friends you go out with and do things with - invites to a picnic, movies, restaurants, etc... Right now I have friends, and they are not in the church. Invites come, and they don't come from ward members but my friends at work.

[beefche]

Hoosier, are you active with the Single Adult program in your area? I would encourage you to attend some activities with the SA, then you be a friend to someone from there. You invite that/those people to movie, restaurant, dinner at your house, games, etc. When I start feeling lonely and think no one thinks of me to do stuff with, I find that if I actually pursue friendship by doing the inviting, then I'm not so lonely. And then eventually, they will begin initiating things to do and call you to do stuff.

[Guest mormonmusic]

Azriel -- I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I've felt almost 'sucked dry' with what everyone expects from me, with little thanks in return. And then when I try to take time for myself, I feel guilty.

As someone else who is only realizing that I've suffered from depression for many years of my life, I suggest the following:

1. Be regular with the medication they give you -- even when you start feeling better. Life is so much better when you can live in, and enjoy the present, rather than worrying or being concerned about the future. I've done both, and with the meds I'm taking, I'm starting to live more in the present and its so much better!

2. Look for some ways to reach out to some people you really care about. There's a couple in our Ward right now, where the husband is suffering from a much deeper depression than I am. I'm going to cycle over to his house and just visit, and invite him on a one-on-one bike ride. Why? Simply because I care about and sincerely like the guy. He would forgets himself by trying to help others, finds himself, and his inner peace.

3. Do some acts of kindness for some people who do things you really appreciate -- either a card, or a verbal thanks, or return a favor.

4. Regarding your calling -- don't let the fact that others are disappointed in you bother you. I feel the same way about being released from a calling I did a while ago, and it only adds to the depression when I think of how I'm perceived as letting people down. The fact is, this happens all the time, and in 3 years no one will even remember this.

5. Regarding the calling feeling like a waste of time -- I've been there. So many initiatives I've started withered on the vine in my first two of 3 years in a calling. It's part of learning to how to get things done in the Lord's Kingdom -- what to focus on , what gets resuls, what doesn't.

6. Regarding not feeling anything in prayer. I have those sensations too, and the only thing that really works for me is praying with humility an throwing myself at His feet.

7. Throughout the day, repeat these words "Heavenly father, help me to rely on Thee". These words help me because they instill humility, which often leads to peace. It might help you view your life with a greater dependence on God, which will then strengthen your relationship with him. Your heart will reach out to him, which is also good for your relationship with Him.

8. Recognize that good things will happen to you. Years ago, when I was depressed, a Bishop said "The Lord has great things in store for you". When I look back on the last twenty years, it's been true. I was able to afford to pay someone to teach me to build musical instruments that i love. I learned to be a professional musician through self-study, playing with top players in my town, I've been able to work internationally in a job I love and am apparently good at. I have two beautiful children, one that makes me proud just by being herself and who both have good hearts. I have a beautiful home that my whole family loves, and I live in a part of the world where I have a small commute and no winter. With the Lord's help, I overcame a really trying 10-year challenge that I'll forever respect myself for enduring with patience. And the list goes on and on.

There is such a list waiting for you -- expect it to happen. As one who may well suffer from much of the same kinds of depressive feelings as you, things can still be positive on the horizon. But being positive is one way to to attract them, and is often a necessary pre-requisite.

9. Check out the Overcoming Negative Thinking thread I started a few days ago in the Advice section. There are a ton of good suggestions there --one in particular is the blessings journal. I think that's a great antidote for some of the feelings you may be having....

10. Last of all -- go to church -- maybe even a different Ward a few times if you're concerned about the percepton of you as a non-functioning Ward Mission Leader. It'll help you feel the Spirit in an environment where there is less expected from you....

Good luck, after I press the Save button, I'm going to say a prayer for you.

Edited November 21, 2009 by mormonmusic

[Guest mormonmusic]

I'm struggling with faith too after a year and a half in the church. No friends in the church does not help. Yes, I have home teachers. Yes, one guy, a former Bishop, calls me and shows he cares, but he cares about one and all. I'm talking about friends you go out with and do things with - invites to a picnic, movies, restaurants, etc... Right now I have friends, and they are not in the church. Invites come, and they don't come from ward members but my friends at work.

Hoosier -- do you have a calling? Speak to the Bishop about one, or one of his counselors, and let him know how you feel about not having any friends. A calling is a good way to work alongside someone and become friends. Also, invite a few people over to your house or somewhere for a social evening. That's how I made friends with people in Wards where I don't have any,

I'm actually that way right now. All my friends have moved. I think it's one reason I've invested so much time in this discussion forum lately.

Also, I like to have online friends = feel free to private message me about anything.

[Azriel]

Doing better.

[JudoMinja]

It sounds to me like one of your biggest problems is a lacking social setting. Even for naturally anti-social people (like myself) this can be very distressing. It is hard to submit yourself to an environment where you feel unwelcome, unloved, uncomfortable, unwanted. I remember struggling through my early Young Women years because I'd just moved to a new place and all the young women had formed a clique. I was the odd one out, because I was new, the only one that hadn't grown up in the area. Two of the girls were in my classes at school and would often pick on me. It was hard, but I kept going and eventually I was inspired to open up to them and explain how much their behavior was hurting me. They'd had no idea how I was feeling, and while we didn't really become friends, they stopped picking on me.

People can often be judgmental. I have posted a talk on this in the share section. Their judgment is not the same as the Lord's judgment. They are imperfect, just as you are, and they are working on building themselves toward perfection. The Lord, however, is perfect, and he will never judge you imperfectly.

Humans were meant to be social. There are things we can not accomplish as individuals, edifyment and uplifting that can only be accomplished by pulling from teh experiences of others, tasks that can only be accomplished with help. Church provides a setting where, though you may not always get along, everyone shares your faith. If you attend all your meetings with the mindset that you will learn and take something away to better yourself and your life, then your attendance will never be wasted.

Always remember that it is God's opinion of you that matters, and you know what he has asked you to do. So do it.

Hope this helps.

[Hemidakota]

Well, went to Church last Sunday. After taking the Sacrament I finally felt the Spirit again, and forgiveness. Started sobbing, :/ . We had to leave early, though. (Ugh!)

I do have this next Sunday off, too, and plan on attending.

Elders have transfers soon. I am most definitely not the only one in the branch the is hoping the Elder I've had problems with is the one to get transferred. Glad to know it's not just me being overly bothered, but it's a general consensus.

I have my moments when I loose the Spirit and it may take a close analysis of one's soul to determine what caused it.

Living without the Spirit or even the Holy Ghost in not stopping by during a day is hard for me. I can only imagine what it was like for the Savior in not experiencing for a small time frame being crucified.

[because1]

I just want you to know that you are not alone in your feelings, frustration, disappointment, discouragement, despondency and whatever else that you are feeling. Those feelings you have are actually probably quite common. That is definitely the adversary working on you. He wants you to grow spiritually apathetic and less effective in the Kingdom. Yep. That's him alright. Been there, done that!

A few things are critical:

1) Pray until you feel like you feel like it

2) Make a decision that you will be faithful in attending your church meetings (all of them) no matter what.

3) Decide now that you will remain as faithful as Job

4) Listen to the talk given in conference entitled "But If Not" given a few years ago. Go to lds.org and type in "but if not" in the Search menu. It should come up with a conference talk on it. Live the gospel in spite of the challenges or blessings you receive or don't receive. Do it because you truly love the Lord.

5) Speak to your Bishop (also let him know that you need good home teachers)

6) Crack your scriptures daily (read for a full 10 minutes). You may not get anything out of it at first but if you continue to do it you will find that the Spirit you once had will speak to you again.

7) Serve others out of love and sacrifice for them and your Father in Heaven.

8) Listen to church music as you drive or whenever you can.

9) Don't let your mind wonder in the negative feelings. Fill it with positive things.

10) Avoid self pity.

I've been homeless, crashed my car, in debt and with no one that helped me...no home teachers, no family (although there are many of them), no one at church (they were all so busy). But...I kept going to church. I decided to stay faithful no matter what. I am glad for it - you have got to read your scriptures though and pray. Got to do it brother! Got to! The Spirit will come.

Edited December 13, 2009 by because1
incomplete information

[Azriel]

I planned the Branch Christmas dinner. Was a chili dinner. Went off great. Everyone I asked to bring stuff brought stuff, and then some. Kids decorated sugar cookies and loved it. We had like $100 budget and because everyone pitched in I don't think we went over $5-10.

I opened with the Christmas story, which really got to me (in a good way.)

They might be having me be the activity planner, which would be way less stressful than Mission Leader.

Been going regularly, even though lately I get off work at 7 AM Sunday Morning, and by the time Church starts at 11 AM I'm dead exhausted. (Snowstorm canceled it for today, though.)

Anyway, it's going better IRL now. But, I'm still not ready to be back on this board. I feel too much negativity and fear I still don't keep enough negativity out of my own posts.

So, thanks for your help/suggestions. I did read, I did listen.

Hope y'all had a great Christmas! (I was snowed in, pretty nice.)

Bye.

[becard]

Congrats on the successful Branch Dinner. I've read a few of your older posts and in this one you sound a lot happier. One thing about living the gospel is that it can be a continual process of ups and downs, especially in the early years after conversion. We draw closer to Heavenly Father and then fall back and then closer again. How close we get to him always depends on us. Keeping the spirit takes work! Heavenly Father's way isn't an easy way, but it's worth it. We have to identify what parts of our lives are inconsistent with the Gospel, then change those things one at time. Many of us have many many inconsistent aspects of our lives. We should change the big ones first then work on the little stuff over time. Over time, those little changes we make help align our will to God's will, we become more like him, and qualify for his eternal blessings. Even when hard, life is much much happier and goes a lot smoother with the spirit.

[lydlou]

Hugs for Azriel! I hope things continue looking up for you. Sometimea ya just need to take things one day at a time.

[eternalpromise516]

Az,

i feel you completely, and i'm so thrilled things are going better for you. feel free to message me anytime, even if you just really need to vent and you're upset/mad about something. i'm a great listener :) good luck my brother!