Advice about my LDS-"ish" boyfriend

[abritta3]

Hello everyone. I am pretty new to this site and so far I lovvve it!

I want to keep this short and sweet.

My boyfriend Matthew is 23 and I am 22. He baptized me into the church about 2.5 years ago on April 22, 2007. We were both living in our college town and attending the ward in that area. During that time he was very active in the church and held the priesthood. He was my first inspiration (among many!) and since I was new in the church he was my "rock" per se concering all things LDS.

When we left that ward and went home for the summer, he attended my hometown ward with me for the first time and I was welcomed into the ward nicely. Unfortunately, I became inactive about 3 Sundays after (due to heavy influence of non-believing family pressure) and I had been inactive up until about a month ago. Matthew and I broke up around the same time. I broke up with him in an email (ouch) since I didn't think it would work out (my family despised him because they thought he brainwashed me).

Matthew and I reconnected back in September for the first time since our breakup. He was much the same but I asked about church and he said he had only attended for a short spurt of six months or so after we broke up and hasn't gone faithfully since. I felt horrible. He said he has struggled with the doctrine himself and had little to no interest in returning.

I told him I wanted to get back into church and we both have been for the past month. I have been rather moved to read the scripture, study, pray and totally involve myself in church activities as well. Matthew is much more resistant and although he attends he is still unsure.

My question is: How can I help the person who helped me establish my testimony and baptize me into the LDS church? I want him to be happy again. I know he feels confused and I am praying for him. I hope that all of you will pray with me for him.

I would appreciate any other suggestions you may have.

[prisonchaplain]

In some ways my wife has more spiritual discernment than I do. I recognize this. She's more organized too. In some ways she's more disciplined. Nevertheless, she expects me to be the spiritual leader of our house--as well she should! Not because I wear a collar, but because I'm the priest of my household.

Your bf has the head knowledge to fulfill this role, but he's not there now. Not even close. You love him, so you pray, you encourage, and you hope. But, imho, you should "slow walk" the romance. Wait and see, but do not proceed. It may be that God has another for you. Or, your bf may come through his current funk, and find his way to passionate love of the Savior. Until he does, if you want God's best, do not engage in "evangelistic romance."

This is one situation in which your old Methodist upbringing parallels your current beliefs. The cautions about becoming unequally yoked are identical, if I'm not mistaken.

[Prodigal_Son]

My question is: How can I help the person who helped me establish my testimony and baptize me into the LDS church? I want him to be happy again. I know he feels confused and I am praying for him. I hope that all of you will pray with me for him.

I would appreciate any other suggestions you may have.

Hey, there. Welcome to the fold! Your situation reminds me of a story out of church history. It mirrors yours quite well. Rather than preach on it, I will simply share it with you and YOU can extract from it what you will:

Parley P. Pratt, an apostle of Jesus Christ was sent on a mission to Canada. While there he converted John Taylor. When he returned home to Kirtland, the community was in heavy disarray and Joseph's standing as prophet was called into question by many who blamed him for the failure of the Kirtland Safety Society Anti-Bank.

The feelings were so powerful and so deep, that even Parley himself began to question whether Joseph was a fallen prophet...

Then, in a meeting of sorts, (please forgive me, I'm citing from memory) John Taylor called Parley out and said something along the lines of: you taught me, not all that long ago, that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. And if he was a prophet THEN, then he's a prophet NOW.

There Parley stood, being reprimanded and testified to by someone he, himself had just recently converted through his testimony and faith! And, praise be to God - for Parley was a mighty warrior from then on in defending Truth - he repented, sought Joseph's forgiveness, and was everafter loyal.

...

I hope this helps. I hope you are able to recognize the potential for parallel between you and John Taylor.

[WmLee]

PrisonChaplan never ceases to amaze me! I really respect you input. And, PS your point is well made. Can I add my 2 cents here? As much as I hated moving I knew the move was best for my family. Once in our new location I was called to serve and needed to call 2 assistants. I was given a roster to pick from; I knew none of the men listed.

As I prayed and went through the names two stood out, over and over again. I asked my wife what she knew of these men as she had grown up in the Ward. Of the two men she felt one wouldn't be able to serve. Seems he may have killed someone or something along that line, she didn’t know the details.

I spoke with the Stake President and asked for his help. He laughed and said if that brother had killed someone, whoever the unfortunate person was, probably had it coming. Seems this brother was a now retired and much respected police officer.

(getting to the end I promise) He was called and the first Sunday was Fast & Testimony meeting. He went up to share his testimony. As he closed he said, “I don’t care if any of you are a friend or talk to me, I don’t come here for you. I come here because this is where I should be, I hold His priesthood and I have made a covenant with Him!" We served together for almost five years. He has since passed away but he was one of the most amazing men I will ever know.

I’ve seen good people fall away because of non-members and their ideas of the church. Don’t let that keep you away. You know what is right. As for your BF, my wife is my rock and because my love for her I am always reminded of my responsibilities as a priesthood holder. I never want to disappoint my father in Heaven or her; I’ve made a promise to both.

Stay out of the romance until your BF matures and steps up to the plate!

[abritta3]

Thank you for your replies. :)

I guess I am a little confused on "evangelical romance". We have been in love for quite some time and I don't want to give up on him just because his faith is a bit unsteady. Afterall, he does attend and does study with me. He is just very honest in saying that he's still unsure. I do respect him for trying.

I am interested, however, in all of your comments and advice. Could any one go into further detail regarding the evangelical romance?

Thank you!

[Dravin]

I guess I am a little confused on "evangelical romance".

I'm more familiar with it as the phrase, "Flirt to Convert." Basically you date somebody (or marry if you want to take it that far) and use your influence through that avenue to try to convert/reactivate them. It sometimes works, but you also have the real possibility of resentment (Why can't you love me like I am? or You are only dating me to convert me!) or you get somebody who is going through the motions to make you happy but who isn't truly into it (Well, my girlfriend is Mormon so I got baptized). The last bit can end up with people mocking God as they do things without any real intent and only pay lip service and then when their shallow reasons are no longer enough to sustain them they fall away.

This isn't advice to drop'im like he's hot just because he's rocky, just take it slow and considered until he reaches (without romantic manipulation*) where he's going to be, good or bad and then take it from there. But to reiterate, him 'reactivating' simply to make you happy can end up in a bad place.

* You can love and help him, just don't try any of that, "If you loved me you'd reactivate' crap or something similar.

Edited December 14, 2009 by Dravin

[FairChild]

Strengthen yourself. Love him as a friend, but at this time, I suggest your relationship be a friendship rather than a romance. The stronger and more knowledgable you are, the more you can help your friend. Take it all one step at a time, babystep if you have too. Be good to yourself. FC

[prisonchaplain]

"Evangelistic romance" is more of an evangelical term, but Dravin spelled it out well. Your situation does not seem to call for giving up. However, slow and steady wins the race. If your bf is struggling with his faith, it's something you would hopefully want resolved before marriage--especially if you believe your union is eternal. The caution against bribes, nagging, and holding the relationship hostage to spiritual performance are worthwhile. And so, this is a difficult dance. You don't want to manipulate, but neither do you want to marry someone who is not ready to be the spiritual leader of his household. So, whattaya do? Just go slow is my humble advice.

[Guest mormonmusic]

In my experience, the regular attendance at meetings, particularly priesthood meeting and Sunday school has a gentle "wearing away" effect on disbelief. As you participate in meetings, activities and other things etcetera, there are moments of spirituality, friendships develop, and faith grows.

I think your best thing to do is to keep studying together, going to Church, and for you, being patient.

Someone once said that when working with people "slow is fast and fast is slow". I think this applies here. Be patient and keep doing what you're doing. I also agree that one shouldn't simply abandon someone because they are not strong in the gospel -- now, marry them? I'd want them solid in the gospel if I was to marry them....