yenni Posted December 15, 2009 Report Share Posted December 15, 2009 So I'm not even sure what title to give this thread. But here's my story anyways. A couple years ago I took a break from my singles ward to attend my family ward for a while. I just needed a break from the meat market the was my ward, and wanted a place I could lay low for a while, sorta go unnoticed which tends to happen in the bigger wards. All that aside, I meet this really sweet guy at the family ward. He's obviously into me, asks me for my number, calls me, all that jazz. I was thrilled because I spent 5 years in the singles ward attempting date and got nothing, nothing, nothing and more nothing! Not one date. I was thrilled, there's a big fat however to this. He was older, maybe in his 40s, and I am in my 20s. I thought I had no problem with older men. But I think I let the fact that other people in my life would have a problem with it, get in the way of what could have been a wonderful thing. So I did a very toolish thing and ignored his calls. He called for a few months, not like every day or anything but he left nice messages. Naturally of course he gave up. I wasn't bothered by it at first. Fast forward to a few months ago and it came back to mind and I started to feel really guilty about it. I know it was my own fault, and it's in the past I need to get over it. I don't know why it came up all of a sudden. I guess it's good that I finally feel bad about it. I wish I could apologize to him. I'd never ask for a second chance cause I don't deserve one. I do wish I could find him again and just tell him how truly sorry I am. I don't even know why I'm sharing all this. Needed to get it off my chest I guess. All I can do I think is learn from this and do better if I'm lucky to have someone come along again. I don't even know if this all seems as bad as I think it is. Ugh I dunno, I'm just gonna stop rambling now and end this :/ Thanks for letting me rant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mormonmusic Posted December 15, 2009 Report Share Posted December 15, 2009 It sounds like you're still working through your feelings about it....there seems to be guilt, but I'm not sure of the cause -- is it perhaps because of the way you brushed him off? Or is it because you let the age gap get in your way? Or is it because you felt there was a possiblity of relationship, but chose not to take it, knowing it was a possible? Do you want to find him again to tell him you're sorry in hopes that he'll volunteer a second chance? I feel that you're still exploring how you feel, and I hope the questions help, or that you come to your own conclusions -- writing them out helps... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted December 15, 2009 Report Share Posted December 15, 2009 yenni, meet EQ_Guy. Sorry, I couldn't resist. When I read your story I thought of EQ_Guy's story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ozzy Posted December 15, 2009 Report Share Posted December 15, 2009 I dunno if I can answer very well on an emotional level since I am not a 20's girl feeling guilty over this particular connection with a 40'guy. I am actually a guy and have honestly ignored girls for less than an age difference regardless of their feelings. I know, I am the spawn of Satan for such meanness. My reasoning though is that I don't want to get involved with a girl unless I want to, and if there is something in the way there then I think it is better not to. Honestly if the age thing was enough to put you off, maybe its a good thing you ignored him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yenni Posted December 15, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 15, 2009 It sounds like you're still working through your feelings about it....there seems to be guilt, but I'm not sure of the cause -- is it perhaps because of the way you brushed him off? Or is it because you let the age gap get in your way? Or is it because you felt there was a possiblity of relationship, but chose not to take it, knowing it was a possible?Do you want to find him again to tell him you're sorry in hopes that he'll volunteer a second chance? I feel that you're still exploring how you feel, and I hope the questions help, or that you come to your own conclusions -- writing them out helps...I feel guilt because I think that was a poor way to handle that situation. Even if I had no interest in him, I could have told him straight up versus leaving him to wonder. Thing is I kind of did have interest. I guess I do feel bad also since there may very well have been something between us. And I guess part of me wants a second chance, though I'm not sure I deserve one. But mostly, I just want to say sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yenni Posted December 15, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 15, 2009 I dunno if I can answer very well on an emotional level since I am not a 20's girl feeling guilty over this particular connection with a 40'guy. I am actually a guy and have honestly ignored girls for less than an age difference regardless of their feelings. I know, I am the spawn of Satan for such meanness. My reasoning though is that I don't want to get involved with a girl unless I want to, and if there is something in the way there then I think it is better not to. Honestly if the age thing was enough to put you off, maybe its a good thing you ignored him.Perhaps.Part of me thinks that he was seemingly the first person of interest to come along since I started actively attempting to date. I spurned him, and no ones come along since. Can't help but wonder if that so wise now....? Will HF send along someone else for me? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mormonmusic Posted December 15, 2009 Report Share Posted December 15, 2009 (edited) Perhaps.Part of me thinks that he was seemingly the first person of interest to come along since I started actively attempting to date. I spurned him, and no ones come along since. Can't help but wonder if that so wise now....? Will HF send along someone else for me?So, you're also feeling a bit like you've cut off one of the few chances to come your way.It sounds a bit like you feel there aren't a lot of opportunities, so you're looking back with regret on this last person. How did you feel when you stopped returning his calls -- was there regret then, or did you feel right about it? If you felt right about it then, your feelings now may well be triggered by the lack of opportunities and loneliness rather than sincere romantic interest -- but only you can judge -- what do you think? Edited December 15, 2009 by mormonmusic Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ozzy Posted December 17, 2009 Report Share Posted December 17, 2009 Perhaps.Part of me thinks that he was seemingly the first person of interest to come along since I started actively attempting to date. I spurned him, and no ones come along since. Can't help but wonder if that so wise now....? Will HF send along someone else for me?Well, the way I understand it, and this is largely based on the last CES fireside that President Uchtdorf did, there are many 'someones' for any given individual. So I yes, I think that you will probably meet someone else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alana Posted December 17, 2009 Report Share Posted December 17, 2009 This might sound mean, but I promise I'm not meaning it in a mean way, more of an amused way. Maybe you not going out with this man in his 40's is a good idea, seeing as how you're only in your 20's and totally handling things in a somewhat immature way:P Oh noes, I called you immature! I don't mean that as an insult. I'm just saying, people look down on the age difference (this is what you were worried about, no?) because there is usually a difference of maturity, life experience, biological factors, and 'stages' of life. I mean, you didn't exactly handle this smoothly (ignoring calls because of what others would think) but so what! It's ok to live and learn, especially while in our 20's. Part of being mature is how you think and you're priorities and what effort you're willing to put into maintaining them, and an other part is how you compile you're lifes lessons into the present. Maybe you need a little bit more of 'lifes lessons' before you feel confident on who you are and how you deal with things. When dealing with someone older, they probably have that part down and expect the same from you. Of course this is all the ramblings of a 20 something, herself:P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 17, 2009 Report Share Posted December 17, 2009 I got a lot of cousins... in their 20's. Good looking ones. Smart ones. Hard-working ones. Loving ones. Looking for girlfriends. Pick one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dravin Posted December 17, 2009 Report Share Posted December 17, 2009 (edited) I got a lot of cousins... in their 20's. Good looking ones. Smart ones. Hard-working ones. Loving ones. Looking for girlfriends. Pick one.Talk about a meat market. Edit: You've made this kind of offer before, are they giving you kickbacks for every mention. Edited December 17, 2009 by Dravin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted December 17, 2009 Report Share Posted December 17, 2009 I got a lot of cousins... in their 20's. Good looking ones. Smart ones. Hard-working ones. Loving ones. Looking for girlfriends. Pick one.Can I have two? Just to make up for lost time.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dravin Posted December 17, 2009 Report Share Posted December 17, 2009 Can I have two? Just to make up for lost time....Just a tad greedy there dontcha think? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted December 18, 2009 Report Share Posted December 18, 2009 No, she has a lot of cousins and she is offering them up. I'm just showing my eagerness and energy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dravin Posted December 18, 2009 Report Share Posted December 18, 2009 No, she has a lot of cousins and she is offering them up. I'm just showing my eagerness and energy. I suppose as long as you are willing to share with the other ladies it's okay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted December 18, 2009 Report Share Posted December 18, 2009 No problem. If the need arises, I'll choose my favorite of the two and tearfully arrange for the other one to spend a hour a week with someone else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dravin Posted December 18, 2009 Report Share Posted December 18, 2009 (edited) No problem. If the need arises, I'll choose my favorite of the two and tearfully arrange for the other one to spend a hour a week with someone else.That's still a lot of ego to have to satisfy. Edited December 18, 2009 by Dravin *grumble* Fun with numbers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jameslentz Posted December 20, 2009 Report Share Posted December 20, 2009 There does seem to exist this huge stigma in our culture that the age gap is very important as to the approval of outside parties. Too often I think in all areas, not just relationships, people let the opinions of others get in their way. If this man happened to be one of the someone's you could have been eternally happy with then what does the age gap matter. My main question in all of this is: In the eternities, is age [here on earth] going to matter? I know there are still problems that go along with a relationship that includes people from different generations...sometimes those things can cause very big problems...but if you are happy then what is wrong with it. You have to do whatever makes you comfortable and we each have our limits but an age difference that is over 10, 15 or even 20 years, while significant, doesn't mean it's a deal breaker. I have a friend in my ward that is in his early to mid thirties and married to a girl that is 22 or 23. I guess all i'm trying to say is that each person has their limits and every persons limits are valid, but don't limit yourself based on others opinions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 22, 2009 Report Share Posted December 22, 2009 Talk about a meat market. Edit: You've made this kind of offer before, are they giving you kickbacks for every mention. Actually, they're in the Philippines and they need visas. But, actually, in all seriousness... a few of my cousins got married to Americans and they are living "happily ever after". Yes, my cousins wanted to get out of poverty and find opportunity in the US but more than that, they have qualities ingrained by our culture to give all of themselves to their spouses. Divorce is illegal in the Philippines so they view marriage as a forever ever after thing. This is not true for all Filipinos that is for sure so I can only recommend my cousins. They will take very good care of you as long as you return the favor. And I get to have more cousins I can easily visit instead of flying half-way around the world! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lydlou Posted December 28, 2009 Report Share Posted December 28, 2009 i'd chalk it up to "lessons learned" if you only spurned him because of "what others might think" and you are only feeling guilty about it now (as oposed to while it was hapening) then it has taken you this long to learn that its love that counts, not other peoples perceptions. So remember to keep your options open. ya never know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmarklin Posted December 31, 2009 Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 The problem with relationships with a disparity of age is that the parties are at different times in life and maturity. Typically a young woman in her 20s would want a family. If the older man was never married, he may also want one too. But if he had been married and had children, he may want to limit his options in that regard. There is also a 20 year gap in life experience, and that is also a very large consideration. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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