What if your spouse had a sexual partner before marriage?


jjsmith99
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Spend the time in being the best couple ever than to dwell on the past is the key here. Build the marriage as one that many can emulate. I still remember the Kimballs where he was at a car wash with Camilla; he kept looking over to her with love and affection after 50-years of marriage. It is this level we should all be striving for.

How many of those couples who come to church hold hands after many years of marriage? How many of us would open the door for our companion? How many of us, would look upon our companions with the same affection and love that President Kimball showed at the car-wash?

Three days ago, my wife changed her hair style. When I came home, I noticed not only that, but a glowing face. I could pin it on Christmas holidays or having most of our children home. It wasn’t because of that…it was to make her more pleasing to me. I kept telling her she looked beautiful and at times pinch her bum. I even giving her hugs when it was not expected and telling her how precious she is to me. Moments like this she or he would cherish later.

I know we are not perfect but at least we can strive for perfection and erase our past bad deeds one day at a time.

Edited by Hemidakota
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  • 3 weeks later...

i think you have to realize that what happend in her past had nothing to do with you.. once you really put ur mind set that way you really cant take it personal its not like she did it to hurt you.. but if it bothers you that much you should seek profesional help with her to help you overcome any insecurities you might have... i have been there . but it was not the anger that i had waited and he didnt that bother me it was the question of does he think of her or was she better then me ? this is something very personal that you have to ask your self ..

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OK, this may be selfish, but as our children have grown up and we have had the why stay morally clean talks I have regressed to be really upset, hurt by my spouses sexual activity before our marriage and before I knew her. Yes, she told me. Yes I believe she repented. It hurt up front (I was able to abstain before marriage) but I didn't want to judge or be one of those shallow people who would break up because of past sins. I do love her. It just constantly hurts. Now every time I read a General Conf talk on being chaste I feel a sting and a pain. We have briefly discussed it but you can imagine this is a difficult, painful, akward talk. I don't want to judge but can't help my feelings. I don't want to relive it either. Conflicted. I realize the repentence process can make you clean, I'm struggling with the seeming unfairness of someone who abstains vs someone who didn't. Maybe I should not have proceeded with the engagement and marriage. I wish I would have known how hurtful this would be over the years.

Your being selfish. Get over it.

I married a woman with children. Obviously she had sex before we were married. I on the other hand never had sex before we were married. In fact, my wife had sexual relations with a boyfriend that she had just before we started dating.

The reality is that it's her problem. She needs to have dealt with it with the Bishop. If she has done that already then forget about it.

Your wife will come to realize what a special and unique person you really are. She will love you for your dedication and sacrifice for her. She probably also feels bad constantly about her actions and behaviors because she wanted to be as faithful as you were but didn't do it.

Stop rubbing it in!

If you bring it up or dwell on it, it's because YOUR pride is hurt. Get ride of your selfishness. Let go of your childhood posters of molly mormon, the girl who waited for you since she was 14 years old. Understand that we are all human and we make mistakes.

Leave what is in the past, in the past. Both of you have a future together. If you love your wife, and she loves you, and any past sins have been dealt with, then you should focus on your future together.

She may have sinned in the past, but if you don't forgive her - it's your sin to carry around now. Drop it! Let it go!

My wife tells me periodically how sorry she was for the mistakes of the past and how lucky she is to have me now. I never bring it up because I know it hurts her. I'm not the bishop and my job is not to make her confess her sins to me. I'm her husband, it's my job to love, protect, and provide for her. Over time you'll come to realize that the love you have for each other is the most valuable thing you can have, and that it's not worth being ruining because of pride or selfishness.

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this is more reason why i feel like i'll never find a good woman...back in my wilder days i had realtions with a few girlfriends...and a few one nighters after 6 hrs in the bar... I ain't proud of it, but its life..i got tattoos, have been in jail, and have slept with several women....then i came back to the church..repented, went thru the temple

but still i find chicks that wont give me the time of day cause i ain't a virgin....

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i think if she/he has repented then it shouldnt be a issue as such. if you know ur wife/husband had a past like this before you married then it is down to you to be able to deal with it. its diffrent if you find out after you are married about their past sexual life.

also some people dont find the right path till later in life so they are bound to make mistakes, but repenting and understanding what is right and wrong, and then working for the future.

i also says u live for ur future not your past. people make mistakes and people live with them

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I haven't got time right now to read through all these replies to the thread originator's initial post, but the replies I've read so far have been what I was expecting to see. For people dealing with this situation, I've found that this isn't the best place to come for much else than a reprimand.

I don't have time right now, but when I do, I'll return and explain why someone like jjsmith99 actually is not the devil incarnate and deserves a little understanding. It may be that he is wrong for feeling the way he does, but it doesn't make his pain go away to rub his face in it, and that's assuming he's as guilty as the first page worth of replies would imply.

This is all I can say at present. I'll be back later.

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Just to get my credentials out there, so everyone knows I'm qualified to comment on this post, my husband wasn't a virgin when we were sealed; I was.

I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt when I found out, but it honestly hasn't bothered me for years -- I was definitely at peace long before we were married. I believe in the Atonement. I believe that God made him a completely different person: the man I married would never commit that sin. He's been healed of that inclination, and I -- as an innocent bystander who was hurt by his sin -- have been healed of the pain his sin caused.

Your wife repented and made recompense to God. When she came to you, she was just as pure and clean as though her sin had never happened, and she has never broken that faith. She never sinned against you. That's how you can know that she has been not just forgiven, but born of God, made a "new creature". She's not the same woman who committed the sin.

I think you should remember that the Atonement is for you too, and that through faith in Christ's power to cleanse your wife, you can be healed of the pain you feel. I would start with a deep study of scriptures and good talks about Christ's mission and Atonement, and lots of sincere prayer to understand what it actually means for you individually (I'd probably also stay away from the chastity talks for a while, if I'm being honest . . .). Christ can heal this pain. Best of luck.

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Okay, after reading through all the posts, it turns out that a minority of the people here were capable of at least trying to walk in jjsmith99's shoes. Now I'm going to share my own personal experience, and provide another target for the peanut gallery from the Jerry Springer show. And maybe jjsmith99's situation won't really compare, but hopefully at least I'll be able to better illustrate the Divine wisdom behind the law of chastity, and why we shouldn't be handing out medals to people who broke it and bashing the victims over the head. Of course, in the end, there is repentance, but incomplete or insincere repentance is not a license to bash people like me or jjsmith99 for the emotional damage we receive.

I am a codependent. I am the jealous type. I lack confidence and can sometimes be insecure. This does not make me the devil, or worthy of contempt, but in the spirit of honesty, I'm explaining where I'm coming from. As for my wife, I am convinced that she has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), though it's never been diagnosed. It's very difficult to diagnose and is often mis-diagnosed as Bi-Polar. There is certainly no doubt that my wife has some very serious and deep seated psychological problems and behavioral disorders, including depression, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, suicidal thoughts, etc. But the main culprit, as I see it, is the BPD. In layman's terms, long story short, it means that she idealizes people, places, and things, and then later on devalues them. Her attitude toward everyone and everything is in a constant state of flux, independent of the world outside her mind.

My wife began "flying solo" at a pretty young age, and it began as a twisted fantasy about being pregnant. By the age of 12, she was exposing her fully developed body to boys out of doors, in broad daylight, and allowing them to manually inspect it as well. By the time I met her, when she was 19, she had A LOT of carnal experience with several boys/young men. I'll spare you the details, but while she was technically a virgin, she had experienced everything else imaginable other than what would have to take place for her to not be, in only the strictest sense of the word, a virgin. I'm talking about multiple partners, and extremely physically intimate behavior.

When I met her, she was considering ending the most "explorative" relationship she'd ever had, but needed encouragement. I did everything I could to encourage her to repent, get along better with her parents (among other things, she had "Daddy issues"), and after working with her to help her through all that, we fell in love. Actually, she behaved as if she fell in love with me and was very affectionate and warm, which caused me to fall in love with her. We both professed our love for each other, and she promised me that she would never kiss another man. I assumed that she was so warm to me because she appreciated my help. Looking back, I can see that she was idealizing me, because of the BPD.

It wasn't long after that when I found out that she had started dating a guy in her Institute Ward, had been alone with him in his apartment for a candle light dinner, during which he wore no shirt, gave her a rose, and they kissed. I almost dumped her when I found out, but her mother convinced me to forgive her because she had raised her daughter to be a boy crazy date-a-holic and she was not used to being in a relationship that was emotionally serious and exclusive.

When we got engaged, the plan was I'd keep my job, get a house, and she'd move out to live with me after we were married. She changed her mind and demanded that I move out to where she lived, move in with her parents, and after a month or two of that, she got bored with me, like she did with every boyfriend she had ever had, only we were engaged, so she felt like she couldn't dump me. She went ahead and married me even though she had fallen out of love with me (unbeknownst to me). Our marriage was rocky from the moment we attempted to consumate it. She had been so wild and out of control before, but with me, after she had gotten bored with me, and especially after we were married, she was an iceberg. She really tried to make the physical part of our relationship work for a month or two, but eventually gave up.

I would occasionally hear stories about old boyfriends. I'd hear very graphic stories about what they did together. I'd hear a dreamy tone in her voice as she very fondly remembered and vocalized the steamy details, as well as the emotional attachment she had with them. Every one of them seemed to be better than me in some way. With one of them, she recalled having lots of really deep and meaningful conversations. With one of them, she had for years afterward regretted not going all the way with him, and had commented to me on one occasion that a certain part of his body was bigger on him than on me, and then she asked me if it was possible for me to permanently increase the size of mine (I realize this is a bit outside the realm of polite conversation, but imagine how I felt hearing it!). There was one boyfriend I caught her writing love letters to, and whom she had been seeing platonically (with our children with her) while out of state and visiting her relatives. There was another I heard about who she had always considered "the one", and for whom I found out at one point she wanted to leave me. The list of bad memories goes on. And a lot of them took place after we were married. I'v only listed a portion of them, pre and post marriage. It would be nice if they had stayed in her past, but they generally tended to show up in the present, even if only as vocalized memories or a diary that my wife apoplectically insisted on not getting rid of.

The way I see it, her bad behavior has been a result of a psychological problem, which is even now threatening to end our marriage. But I'm not up for getting into that right now. I only add this tidbit to show that willful and repeated breaking of the law of chastitiy is a VERY SERIOUS problem, and we should take it more seriously. In my own experience, it's been a symptom of an even greater problem, an extremely harmful behavioral disorder that harms or ruins all kinds of relationships (including platonic ones).

If it's not obvious to you, try to imagine how it feels to buy the cow and find out that all the milk is gone. Imagine that the cow keeps wandering off in the direction of the guys who stole the milk. I can't speak for jjsmith99. Maybe in his case there's plenty of milk today, and maybe he's just a bit jealous that some was given out before he bought the cow, in which case I'd still empathize. That may or may not be the case. Let's withhold judgment, shall we?

In my case, my wife had been EXTREMELY wild before I met her, and after we were married, she turned into an iceberg. I tried everything I could think of to make her happy, and to awaken her desires. She didn't even want to try. Some days she was nice, and some days she was as mean as a junkyard dog. Even on nice days, her heart was very rarely in it.

One time I told my wife that her coldness to me, all the limitations, hang ups, and walls that she put up between us, and all the enthusiasm she seemed to have for neighbors, old boyfriends (at least three of which I know that she interacted with socially after we were married), and so on, all made me feel that she loved them more than me. She told me I was right.

I'm all for leaving the past behind. I never liked to talk about the girl I was in love with before I met my wife, though for some odd reason she actually liked for me to talk about her, and specifically told me so. I wanted my wife's past to go away. But she kept her old journals, which contained lots of sordid stories about old boyfriends she refused to let go of. She kept telling me very graphic and sleazy stories about back seat adventures, and on the rare occasions when she was enthusiastic about our intimacy, the circumstanes at hand always seemed to remind me of one of those stories she'd told me. I wanted to leave her boyfriends in the past, but she visited with two of them behind my back while visiting her relatives, and she contacted another after a fight we had one day, got him to give her copies of old love letters and pictures which she kept for years until I found them, and even had us double dating with this guy and his wife, whom he appreciated about as much as my wife appreciated me. While I was at work, she'd go visit him at his office and he'd brag about his "manhood" and stamina. One day while I was at work, he even came over and was playing with my son to show what a good step-dad he would be. Yes, I'd love for these guys to be in the past, but they were often in the present too.

I'm sure some of you will find a way to blame me for all this. I'm a guy, so it must be my fault, right? My wife went to visit her mother in August for what was supposed to be a month. She never came back. She has our children with her and refused to send any of them back. They're approaching six months out there and would soon have legal residency there if I had not filed for divorce, which was the last thing I wanted to do because I still love my wife. I could not have been married to her for 13 years with all this stuff going on if I didn't love her very, very much. After she got the papers she said she would never speak to me again and has deleted her email account. Again, her inability to let go of her past is only a symptom of a bigger problem here.

Now it may be that jjsmith99 is holding on to something his wife let go of a long time ago. It may be that her repentance, unlike my wife's was genuine. It may be that he is holding on to something that even he knows he needs to let go of and wishes he could, and it may also be that he is the only one in the world who ever thinks about that particular past. What I'm trying to say is that we live in a culture that contains a fondness for fairy tales and "they lived happily ever after". We are all encouraged from childhood to believe there is a soulmate out there for us, rather than a random meat market where we just inspect the product, make a purchase, and believe that depending on what both spouses put into it, virtually any two somewhat compatible people could have a lasting and fulfilling relationship. At the age of 10, I knew all I wanted out of life was someone to love with all my heart, who would love me back just the same. I knew that was the be all end all of human existence, even long before I had ever heard of Celestial glory or eternal families. Before I met my wife, I fell in love with a girl I thought was the one, but I never even kissed her on the lips (though I always wanted to when I was with her), because it never felt right. I never let anyone but my wife see me naked unless they were changing my diaper. I never touched any part of a woman that would be covered while she was swimming in a public pool until my wedding day. All my experience with intimacy was acquired with my wife. I can't imagine how I'd feel if she had her past, but left it in the past. But what I do know is that the past she wanted me to forget was also a past that she herself refused or was unable to forget. She blamed me for holding on to it, when it kept resurfacing in her own life.

My case may be a bit extreme. If I were to imagine myself in jjsmith99's position, I'd ask myself if there was anything in the present, apart from my own thoughts and actions, that kept the unsavory past alive. If there was, even if only because I perceived it, I'd ask my wife for help understanding why I felt that way, and ask her to help me figure out a way to deal with it. If more help was needed, I'd seek it. I would want to include her in my struggle with it, whether she had any blame in my inability to get past the past or not. I believe spouses should completely share their lives with each other, the good and the bad. I believe a spouse should be willing to help their spouse bare their burdens, as well as share in their triumphs. I believe any married person's life should be merged in every way possible with their spouse's. I believe married people should help each other through this life, and share in all the happiness that comes with it. Maybe there is something jjsmith99's wife can do to put the past behind her too, maybe not. Talking about it, in a spirit of humility and love, is a must. Communication is important. We all must never despise people for not seeing things our way. Rather, we should convincingly present our case to them, and maybe they might agree with us then. Or maybe they might cause us to agree with them. Without communication, opposing viewpoints tend to resent each other, and become more entrenched.

The most basic point I'm trying to make is that one of, if not the principal reason for the law of chastity is to prevent the emotional pain that people feel when they are reminded that their spouse did not save themselves for marriage. My wife was worth it to me, as was Heavenly Father's approval of my behavior. It hurts when your spouse devalues you, and that's how I feel when I realize how little was new for my wife after we got married. I should have been the first. She shouldn't have had other men to compare me to, and she did so unfavorably. I know full well the price to be paid for breaking the law of chastity. I paid the price, while my wife never exhibited any signs of regret that I could see. It is not a victimless crime to break the law of chastity. While there is a place for forgiveness for the transgressor, there should also be understanding for the one who pays the emotional price for that transgression.

Don't hate jjsmith99. Don't preach at him and be "holier than thou". Try to understand why he feels the way he does, and you'll be better equipped to give him advice. Life isn't a piety contest (the scribes and Pharisees demonstrated what happens if it becomes one). Life is about helping Heavenly Father keep from losing as many of His children as possible, out of a spirit of love and humility. Don't judge. Instead, encourage righteousness, and assist those around you in finding it.

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  • 11 months later...

This topic justs makes me angry. Her sins were forgiven many years ago and it's completely gone. She's been a faithful wife and has raised your children and how dare you bring up all this crap from before.

This is completely your problem and you have some repenting to do for the unforgiveness in your heart. You have some serious spiritual issues of your own to work on.

May Heavenly Father bless your wife and may she never find out that you've held on to this all these years.

Sorry if I come across harsh but I've tried to not reply to this topic but here I am pushing the post button...

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  • 7 years later...

I understand how you feel and I think it’s horrible that people who don’t know what they’re talking about say it’s all your fault, you don’t love her and should repent. I’m not saying they’re necessarily wrong, but it’s nit coming from a place of love and might not be the main issue here. If you knew how, I think you’d have forgiven and not be bothered by it, so saying just do it doesn’t help much. She made a mistake, and suddenly you’re wrong. I don’t know what the right answer is, we can pray for healing. I hope we find it.

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  • 2 months later...

Wow, old topic

[Blows dust off]

JJ,

I admire that you kept yourself clean and pure before marriage [if you even still come here or are even alive]

The choice was yours to make. You could have very well broken off the relationship and been just fine. It was your right to expect your spouse to be on your same level of commitment to your law of purity.

Your big heart however caused you to move forward with it and now, even still, are feeling remorse.

Pray, ask the Lord to take away your pain. If it comes into your mind kick it out. Your wife has repented and was made whole by the Lord. He can make you whole too.

Best wishes

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  • 3 months later...
  • Wow!  I am so GRATEFUL that God directed my google search here.   I am currently spending the weekend in prayer, devotion and study for repentance, which led me here.   There are so many helpful comments here on the topic of sexual sin against chasitity.  But first I must explain I identify and seek clarity and repentance from the standpoint of the wife here.  I AM the other half who must make peace with real living SHAME, DISHONOR AND SORROW that comes from going against Gods commandments and promises.  I am dealing with my own guilt, pain and loss from leading a season of my life in sin.    I grew up in a home that did not teach me the worth and value of my body to God and my future husband.  I never knew the perfect balance of both justice AND mercy, only mercy and forgiveness of the atonement.   I never knew i would Cary such burdens into a holy marraige.  To start with I have to be very clear that the points made about forgiveness not erasing the past are very true.  Sin of all kinds causes ermines pain for both the sinner and the ones who love them.  I am a living witness to the pain that will follow from chosing and chasing sin over faithfully abiding the laws of God.   My advice is empathy.  Your wife has suffered in the knowledge that she compromised her body, her heart and her virtue in such a detrimental way.   I can asssure you that she struggled with moving forward from it as I have.  Repentance is just as real as forgiveness.  I am at the place of “ how on earth can a good man ever feel satisfied with what is left over in me”.  Do not fool yourself into thinking what she went though was fun or better than what she has with you,  a loving and faithful husband.    The devil wants you to think she is not good enough to transcend sin, that her sin was more fun and more glorifying than the holy covenant you have made with her.   He wants you to believe your strength was in vain or that you missed out on something more than the pain and suffering, the humiliation  that comes from sexual sin.  You must take heed in the knowledge and faith that it is not so.  I know that the atonement is real.    But I will always feel the very just sting of giving away something that was never mine to keep ( my Chastity in which I was to hold and preserve for man I  loved in covenant as a holy gift and sacrifice).  I hurt because of the awareness that i will never EVER have that to give to someone as worthy as a husband.    I believe god gave me something so precious that I threw away into the wind before I even had the chance to evaluate its worth in my own eagerness to fill unhealthy spiritual voids in my own heart that only the Father can fulfill.   And i feel SO CHEATED by that.  You are not the only person who got cheated by her sin.    I cary this burden years and years after those deeds were done.   I struggle day after day to repent and learn and grow into the new creation that Jesus died to make me into.  I have faith one day i will have a holy marriage.  That someone will be blessed by me in that way .   But the path there AFTER the act is not a light or free one.   Love your wife as she has suffered to give you what is of her to give.   I am grateful to all of these responses here and i do pray that my perspective of difference here can offer you some peace as you try to battle through this and take control of the thoughts that are pursuing you.  

Many blessings, 

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  • 6 months later...

Ok so after skimming the posts I still believe my case hasn't been discussed here. I'm dating a guy since 6 months ago and I remember that in the first month he wanted to start having sex and I refused so he stopped and didn't force me for having sex that night and after till now. I knew that he has had 5-6 (at least) long relationships with sex before me (I'm virgin). At the first place, I thought he is ashamed of his past and appreciates that I'm virgin, I thought he counts this virginity as something very valuable. Also, I told him not to talk about any other girl wither in front of me or behind my back. I told him that I'm sensitive and fragile and cannot stand hearing him talk about other girls. I even mentioned that I have broken up with my ex after 2 years because of him saying (in front of my friends) that before me he wanted to pursue another girl at our college. I tried my best to give him a heads up not to mess up on this.

However,  things changed and now I want to talk about some stories which is really painful to me.

One day we went out with my closest friend (a girl) and my BF was a little drunk. We were discussing a friend (a boy) whose GF had cheated on him enticed by another boy. My BF started blaming the guy ans said he is courage-less and not the type of person being able to protect her GF and her relationship.

This is the interesting part of the story. Followed by blaming that guy, my BF said that one week or one month after breaking up with his(my BF's) ex, my BF has slapped the guy who had taken her ex to home and given her drug to have sex with her. He said that he has put the guy on the ground and severely bit him why he had sex with his ex after giving her drug. He said I still had feeling for my ex and that guy should not have started taking my ex home that early or even later specially with giving drug. He was supper proud of what he has done and acclaiming himself as a brave boy who has done this to protect his ex even after their break up. That story really broke my heart. He broke me in front of my closest friend. I still remember my closest friend's looking at me with sympathy. I wanted to die. My best friend said that but this is not the right thing to do and you should have not done this, and my BF just partially accepted that. I still remember the feeling and implicit love he expressed for his ex.

Several times after with had just little talks about me being virgin and I remember one he counted me as inexperienced and once as a close-minded girl who counts before marriage sex as a taboo. (Now that I complain on these he says that he has been kidding and joking, but there is some seriousness in every kidding and I cannot be silly!)

One day I asked him to show me his photos on Facebook, he hesitated but then showed me the pics. There were a lot of locked (only me) pics of him with his ex (same girl in the drug story). He was hesitating to show me the pics and was saying that he does not like to look at the pics of his ex and he does not give a f[lip] about her anymore! I saw a lot of pics of him and his ex and the pics are still on the Facebook wall of his ex.

During the past six months, we had several arguments and 4 times it has happened that he has compared our current relationship with his relationship with his ex and has said good things about his ex and past relationship.

After six month of relationship and keeping quite on all these, 4 days ago I started crying and realized how broken I am. I just cannot stop crying these days, with a sting in my heart and a lot of pain, no one would imagine how broken I am ..

I'm in a trip far far from him. I first wanted to keep silent for 3 weeks till I go back and start discussing my pain with him but I couldn't, I'm so sad and broken.

I texted him about it and blamed him for all he has done (I told him that I told you do not [mess] up on this and never talk about other girls). His answer was that I should have not texted him till I go back and I had to talk in person. He also apologized for that night when he broke me in front of my closest friend and said he would not do that for me becasue now his mindset is different, he said I will protect you but not like that (!). He also said that the inexperienced and close-minded he has said were a joke and he likes me and appreciates my virginity.

But he has never said that he has repented and that now he believes before marriage sex is a sin. Then how he claims that he likes my virginity and appreciates my abstain? (Conflict)

I complained and said that this is unfair that he has had sex several times in the past with 5-6 girls and I'm virgin.

I said in my life many things would be new (sex, going to trip with him, introducing him to my family, etc.) but there is nothing new for me in his life and he said I have given you my soul and heart which I had not given to girls before you (Do you really thing it is true?)

I also complained that why his pics with his ex are still on his ex's wall and why he has not deleted the pics? He got sort of angry and said that it is not important to him and he can send a text message to his ex to delete the pics if I want.

I'm so upset and every time we talk I just want to cry over the phone. He says that he cares about me and wants me to move on on this and I'm the only girl in his heart right now.

I told him that I cannot accept his excuses (not compelling) and I do not feel that he is telling me the truth. These days he keeps saying that this is my problem not his and I should not give him a hard time but should go and talk to a counsellor. He has never said that now he believes before marriage sex is a sin or that he is ashamed of his past and want or has repented (remember he wanted to have sex with five months ago and I refused and now he says I should thank him not asking for sex).

He says he cares and understands that I'm upset but this is my problem not liking his past. He says that I do not ask you to have sex with me and it should mean a lot to you but my past is nothing to do with you and it's your problem not liking that and he repeats over and over with same meaning and different words. 

I kept complaining that it is not fair that he has experienced sex with several people at least 200-300 times and he just hesitates to mention anything about fairness.

He says this is the American culture and that ex's where his past loves whom they don't like anymore and now he only loves me and if this is not enough for me then it is my problem.

You say that we should forgive till the Lord forgive us but do you really think that I should forgive somebody acting arrogant and even implicitly proud of his past sexes?

I want you to be the judge and help me on this. What should I do? Pleaseee help me. I'm so sad and broken ...

 

 

Edited by Just_A_Guy
Welcome! Please try to avoid use of profanity at ThirdHour. :-)
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Welcome @Shiva.

I’m not sure what your cultural/religious background is.  But as far as sexual ethics go:  since this board caters to members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who believe that sex should be reserved for marriage, most of us are going to completely in agreement with you in this and take a pretty unsympathetic view towards your boyfriend.  Relationally speaking, he seems to be a pretty dysfunctional individual.

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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Hi @Shiva,

I'm going to grab some highlights from your post--

16 hours ago, Shiva said:

 my BF was a little drunk.

Ok....

16 hours ago, Shiva said:

 He said that he has put the guy on the ground and severely bit him why he had sex with his ex after giving her drug. He said I still had feeling for my ex and that guy should not have started taking my ex home that early or even later specially with giving drug. He was supper proud of what he has done and acclaiming himself as a brave boy who has done this to protect his ex even after their break up. That story really broke my heart.

HUGE RED FLAG.

This action he is describing is criminal physical assault.  It's a major crime and very wrong.  You SHOULD be upset that he did this, let alone bragging about it.  He wasn't "protecting" anyone here, he was committing assault.  Proper protection is helping her get the medical help she needs and police intervention. 

16 hours ago, Shiva said:

Several times after with had just little talks about me being virgin and I remember one he counted me as inexperienced and once as a close-minded girl who counts before marriage sex as a taboo. (Now that I complain on these he says that he has been kidding and joking, but there is some seriousness in every kidding and I cannot be silly!)

ANOTHER RED FLAG: this "joke" is major sexual harassment and complete disregard of you as a person.  Such belittling someone is manipulative and abusive. 

16 hours ago, Shiva said:

During the past six months, we had several arguments and 4 times it has happened that he has compared our current relationship with his relationship with his ex and has said good things about his ex and past relationship.

More belittling and comparing: another huge flag of an extremely unhealthy relationship.  

16 hours ago, Shiva said:

I texted him about it and blamed him for all he has done (I told him that I told you do not [mess] up on this and never talk about other girls). His answer was that I should have not texted him till I go back and I had to talk in person. He also apologized for that night when he broke me in front of my closest friend and said he would not do that for me becasue now his mindset is different, he said I will protect you but not like that (!). He also said that the inexperienced and close-minded he has said were a joke and he likes me and appreciates my virginity.

...

I'm so upset and every time we talk I just want to cry over the phone. He says that he cares about me and wants me to move on on this and I'm the only girl in his heart right now.

This^ is classical abuser behavior: phase 3 of the abusive cycle.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

16 hours ago, Shiva said:

 These days he keeps saying that this is my problem not his and I should not give him a hard time but should go and talk to a counsellor.

^This is gaslighting, another classical abuser attic: 

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim's belief.[1][2]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

16 hours ago, Shiva said:

I do not feel that he is telling me the truth.

That's because he's not telling you the truth.  Your instincts are 100% correct here.  

16 hours ago, Shiva said:

He says this is the American culture

Blaming others rather than accepting responsibility for his own actions...

16 hours ago, Shiva said:

if this is not enough for me then it is my problem.

More gaslighting...

16 hours ago, Shiva said:

You say that we should forgive till the Lord forgive us but do you really think that I should forgive somebody acting arrogant and even implicitly proud of his past sexes?

I want you to be the judge and help me on this. What should I do? Pleaseee help me. I'm so sad and broken ...

@Shiva, I need to be honest with you here: this man you are dating is abusive towards you.  The past is not nearly as important as the HORRIBLE way he is treating you today.  The Lord's call to fogginess does not translate to "please continue to stand in places where you are degraded, mocked, and abused".  NO!!!!   (there's actually some great GC apostle quote on this, but I can't find it right now).  

 Please @Shiva, don't stay in such a situation.  You are d daughter of God and deserved to be respected, loved, and listened to. 

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Shiva, you are heartbroken over your boyfriends past sexual history. It is true, as you say, that if you two married that the two of you would never share some milestone first time experiences together. You would be unevenly yoked in the physical intimacy department. He can be forgiven, but there are consequences to his past actions. He has a history that cannot be erased. No matter how much he (or you) wishes It never happened, it did. He will have those memories and comparisons of his past girlfriends. Even if he tries his hardest not to compare, it is part of human nature.

In order to be happily married when one partner has more experience in the physical intimacy area, some things that are needed would be trust, transparency, reassurance from the more experienced spouse, absolute knowledge that you are number one and adored, and healthy self-esteem. If your self-esteem is lacking you might start comparing yourself to his exes, and that is never healthy. It can destroy a good marriage.

If his past bothers you this much, don’t expect marriage to erase it. Resolve it in your heart before you get any more serious.

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