Reconciling difference in religious culture: UK vs US

[curious_believer]

I would like some advice: my girlfriend is a member living in the US. I on the other hand I am a non-member and I was raised in the UK.

I feel my girlfriend at times finds it hard to reconcile the reasons behind our differences in religious practice/beliefs/knowledge. Whilst alot of it is attributable to the fact I have been a non-practicing believer, I also think part of it is to do with the cultural religious differences between the UK and US: the UK I find is less strong these days in the practicing element of worship and indeed perhaps a stronger tolerance of other religions. My travels in the US have shown a strong focus on Christianity in the communities - with many regular worshipers. The UK on the other hand - London in particular - is a thriving melting pot of a range of religions and religious worship.

I welcome discussion on my comments and indeed suggestions as to how I can better discuss these differences to help develop my girlfriend's understanding of my background and the reasons for differences in the level of practice/belief/knowledge.

:)

[Vort]

I suggest that you start by finding out more about your girlfriend's religious background. While there is doubtless some of what you describe that is caused by differences in the US vs. UK, there is also a lot of difference in how a typical European (or American) Catholic views religious things vs. how a typical US (or UK) Mormon views them. I have met a great many Catholics who know, and care, very little about the specifics of their religion or anyone else's. They are Catholic, which they consider to be as much an ethnic identifier as any declaration of belief. They are what you might call "cultural Catholics", and several of them openly consider themselves to be CINO (Catholic in name only).

Such people exist in Mormonism, as well, but in my experience they are a much smaller percentage. Most Mormons tend to view their religion less as a cultural identifier and more as a declaration of their principles of living. For example, most children who grow up in a Latter-day Saint home will want to be married "for time and for all eternity" in an LDS temple. This ordinance is available only to faithful Latter-day Saints. As a result, faithful Mormons typically don't date outside the LDS dating pool and usually do not marry non-members. It's not that they consider non-Mormons to be less decent or good, it's that they want the blessing of an eternal marriage, and they can only get that with another Mormon.

Something for you to think about. The cultural divide is actually much broader than just the US/UK difference.

[prisonchaplain]

Curious, I live in Seattle...an area sometimes called "the anti-Bible belt." In my county 63% have no religious affiliation at all. And yes, there is more tolerance. However, this can be a cover for spiritual laziness. "Respect for all, commitment to none," can be an easy way to not have to deal with such matters. And, indeed, that is how many in my area feel--not against religion, per se, just find it irrelevent, and not worth pursuing.

On the other hand, there may be some cultural element. Here, when someone brings up religion, there's an immediate tension and discomfort. Religion is not a polite conversation topic. Many see it as a private matter.

When I lived in Korea, I'd ask someone if they were a Christian, and they'd respond, "No, I'm Buddhist." Or, "No, I believe in myself." The tone was no different than if I asked whether they like rain or not.

That said, imho, it's an invitation to difficulty when couples with vastly different spiritual outlooks look towards marriage.

[talisyn]

This melting pot you speak of, how much of it is Christian? If there aren't many Christians then it isn't very melty

It is always a wonder to me how people who practice their religion are intolerant but those who call them intolerant are somehow tolerant....

[Guest mormonmusic]

I welcome discussion on my comments and indeed suggestions as to how I can better discuss these differences to help develop my girlfriend's understanding of my background and the reasons for differences in the level of practice/belief/knowledge.

:)

First off, the belief that the LDS church is the only church with authority to perform important eternal ordinances may be a bit of a divide between you and your girlfriend. You might want to explore what this means, and how it came about, particularly by reading Joseph Smith's First Vision, where it all began. Also, the Restoraton of the Priesthood (both Aaronic and Melchizedek Priesthood) and what it means. You might even sit down with a couple missionaries and get an overview of the major teachings. This'll help you get a clear picture of what her religion is all about.

I see it as a good starting point for understanding what your girlfriend believes, as issues of authority to act in God's name are important to the LDS faith.

Regarding getting her to see your perspective -- that's a hard one. I thought of starting a thread where you have to argue against something you believe in (something non-religious). I suspect the average person would have a real problem with this. People have trouble adopting a perspective they don't believe in. So, whether you'll be successful in helping her see your perspective depends partly on her personality.

I agree with prisonchaplain though, marriages where the two people believe vastly different things create a lot of hardship, especially when children come along.

I'm not sure if any serious research has been done on the religious "fate" of children born into inter-religious marriages. Do they fall away from religion altogether? Join the faith of the dominant parent? No pattern? I think it would be an interesting study. I suspect the conversion rate into either religion would be lower than if the parents were united in their chosen religion.

But that's a digression -- but something to think about if you're contemplating a long-term relationship with your LDS girlfriend.

Edited December 23, 2009 by mormonmusic

[Elgama]

I am British, my husband is American we live in Scotland - both of us are LDS

I agree Americans are very 'foreign' it is another culure even with me being LDS, I don't agree that there is no religious pratice in the UK there is but we do seem to melt together better somehow, some of the Christianity and even some of the right wingedness of the LDS Americans I find a bit weird and bizarre in someways. Even the language is different, I mean would you go to church in your vest, pants and suspenders, and highly doubt you can dance the Hokey Pokey with a straight face - my husband struggled for awhile with the idea that everything seemed to have a double meaning lol

We do however have similar values, both reasonably well educated and tolerant of others. We work well together on many levels

You have to ask yourself some basic questions

Are you happy with being Chaste?

How would you feel about your children being raised LDS?

Would you consider Family Home Evening?

What compromises would you make etc

Do you have fun together?

[Moksha]

As the Padre points out, there is a difference in religiousity in various areas of the United States. Some places put more emphasis on the secular and some on the religious. However on balance from what I have read, the US is much more actively religious than Europe. There are bound to be difference in how many events are viewed.

I bet the first question one is asked in Liverpool, is not "what religion are you", but in very specific parts of the US you will be asked that question upon meeting someone new.

.

[NeuroTypical]

I welcome discussion on my comments and indeed suggestions as to how I can better discuss these differences to help develop my girlfriend's understanding of my background and the reasons for differences in the level of practice/belief/knowledge.

Here's something to discuss:

If you get married and have kids, will you have a problem when she wants to pay tithing, take the kids to church, have them baptized, have missionaries in your home on a recurring basis?

(Or do you want it to be more of a discussion about how she needs to abandon her faith to be with you?)

LM

[Elgama]

I bet the first question one is asked in Liverpool, is not "what religion are you", but in very specific parts of the US you will be asked that question upon meeting someone new.

.

Used to be in Liverpool the question was what school do you go to that would answer whether you were Roman Catholic or Prodestant. The city has worked very hard to reconcile religious differences