Eternally Trapped

[Guest skadooshness]

I would like some input from people that are trying to do what's right. I've had advice from many people that aren't living up to gospel standards and have fallen away from the church.

In a nutshell...

I married a man who turned out to be pretending to be something that he was not. Two years after we were married he informed me that he had an affair with a married woman about 3 weeks before we were married in the temple.

This married woman's husband was best friends with my husband and they are still good friends to this day. For those first two years of our life together, we spent a great deal of time with this couple.

After this couple moved away, he finally confessed to me and the bishop. I should have been counseled by the bishop to tell my family and get out of the situation to think, but I was not. I was made to feel that if I didn't stay I was guilty of the greater sin. So I kept it all to myself and stayed.

21 years and 4 kids later, I have HUGE regrets on staying. I have been extremely unhappy ever since. I feel that I could have left (before there were kids involved) and still have forgiven.

Maybe I need a sympathetic ear, maybe I just need to know I'm not the only out there trapped in a lie...

[Dravin]

Sounds like either:

1. He didn't repent.

2. You didn't forgive.

3. Both 1 & 2.

4.Tangential and not actually tied to the infidelity per say.

I suppose that isn't terribly helpful though.

[pam]

I can understand the hurt you must be feeling. But one thing I want to ask. You mentioned he confessed as well to the Bishop. Has he gone through the repentance process? If he has...isn't it time to learn to forgive from your end as well?

[Taldarin]

Sometimes it's not the fact that they've been forgiven, it's what the situation showed about that person.

If your husband isn't loyal, yeah, he can go through the forgiveness process for his sin, but he just showed you that you aren't at high-level priority if he's getting with other women.

Hence why they say we need to make righteous judgements... He may be forgiven, but he still probably isn't the kind of guy you want to be with. You still have to make that judgement.

That's how I see it, anyway.

But it seems like skadooshness already made the decison a long time ago, so there's no use of crying over spilled milk. Sometimes we just have to make the best of what we have and what we have chosen. You can still make your marriage a happy one--it just requires a lot of work. Like... A ton. But it's possible, and worth it.

I'm not saying you're doing this, but whining about it or wallowing in self pity just brings us down. And keeps us down. Try to avoid it. You don't have to be unhappy, but it's your choice. How you do all of it, how you take all of it, it's all your choice. Be positive, and try to make your marriage awesome. Don't give up.

Edited December 23, 2009 by Taldarin

[applepansy]

How does he treat you all these years later? Do you trust him? Has he tried to rebuild trust? Do you feel he was truly repentant? Do you love him? Does he love you? Has he ever had another affair? Or has he truly repented and tried to make it work?

If you're still harboring hurt feelings or doubts then either he hasn't jumped through all the hoops to rebuild trust and help you feel love and cherished, or you really haven't forgiven.

Marriage goes through ups and downs...even without infidelity. I can't say how I'd handle infidelity. We've been married 33 years. I love my husband and we are best friends. However, there are problems that could have been avoided if I hadn't married him. I chose to marry him. I thought I knew the issues and could avoid the problems extended family can and have caused with our children. I've learned I can't avoid family issues unless I totally avoided his family.,... but that wasn't the right thing to do. Children have a right to know their grandparents and extended family.

I dwelt on these issues and they have been serious. Then I realized I had to take some responsibility, I did choose to marry into this family. Nothing is perfect. We just get to pick our trials to some extent. How we deal with those trials are what we will be held accountable for.

So back to my original questions....Unless you can answer that he has been unfaithful or has given you reason to still not trust, or he's abusive or controlling or in anyway unrepentant what would be the point of ending things now? Marriage can recover from infidelity. It just takes a lot of unselfish work by both parties. I don't have personal experience with forgiving infidelity but I have several friends who have dealt with this issue. You need to decide if you love him or not. You need to decide if you can truly put this all behind you. I can't imagine having four children with someone I didn't trust, so you've already decided to some extent. Unless he's still unfaithful ending your marriage will just hurt your children. So be sure you're not doing for selfish reasons.

Get a priesthood blessing. Try some counseling. A counselor with an LDS perspective can be helpful. Bishops are not equipped to counsel, and are advised to refer to LDS Social Services. Talk to your bishop and get a referral.

I would also suggest putting your names on the temple prayer roll.

I hope you can find peace and happiness in your life.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I think the answers to Applepansy's questions are very important -- how you feel now in your relationship. That would make it easier to reflect and give impressions. Also, can you share more about the trapped feeling you're experiencing?

Until, or if you answer those questions, I have a thought based on a similar experience. I also chose to stay in a rather unsatisfying relationship. I'm 17 years in it now, but managed to make it work after about 11 years of of misery and trying. I'm happy now.

It's like a comedian who said "Good evening ladies and germs, my name is Mormonmusic. I've been happily married for 6 years -- been married for SEVENTEEN(17)!

I too have reflected on those 10 years of hardship for me, and often wondered if I should've left before the children came.

The answer -- a whole new set of other problems may have awaited you on that "other" path. You simply don't know what other paths may have held. And those other paths may well carry challenges and hardship even greater than the ones you're bearing now. Or they may have been better -- you simply don't know what the alternate path may have held. And you would NOT have had the same children you have now either.

If things are working for you now, you might do well to forgive him for what he did. I know what he did is shameful, and I don't want to underestimate the hurt you must feel when you reflect on it. It's difficult -- I too have trouble with forgiveness. But it's essential to forgive and have inner peace. Pray to help you forgive, take ApplePansy's suggestion to seek a priesthood blessing, and reading scriptures and talks and books on forgiveness would also help you direct your thoughts that bring inner peace.

I'll be interested in hearing the answers to Applepansy's questions if you feel so moved....

Edited December 23, 2009 by mormonmusic

[Hemidakota]

I am curious on the response now on what is answered.

[Guest]

I love this saying:

The grass is greener on the side you water!

Last Sunday, somebody talked about forgiveness during sacrament meeting. It was one great talk! The main point is - Forgive. Now. Don't wait for anything. Don't wait for the other person to repent. Don't wait for them to come crawling to you asking for forgiveness. Don't wait for them to turn their lives around. Forgive now so you don't delay your own peace. Seems like you've delayed forgiveness for 21 years!

I love that talk.

[Hemidakota]

Exactly...when we harbor ill will with any person, in the end, it will canker the soul for eternality.

[Guest skadooshness]

In response to Applepansy:

So many questions. So much more to the story than people know.

He treats me fine -- now. However, I finally started to stick to my guns about things and he finally quit accusing me of wanting to have affairs with men I have worked with. I'm finding that he has complained to many people about our sex life not being what he wants it to be. I knew I made the wrong decision to stay after our first son was born 18 years ago when he accused me of loving our son more than him. I had just had a baby for crying out loud!

Pornography and chewing tobacco use have been huge problems for so long. He finally went to the bishop this year and is taking care of the pronography. The chewing tobacco was openly used in our home for many years with the excuse that it was medicinal for him. He was able to "sweet talk" his way through temple recommend interviews and still keep his recommend anyway. He even expected me to buy the tobacco for him. I finally got fed up enough with the tobacco that I asked the bishop how it is possible that someone can get a temple recommend while openly saying he uses the tobacco? The tobacco use was stopped pretty much immediately after that.

I had no idea about the pornography, even though I found clues -- and now that I look back on it, the clues just screamed at me, but I was young and niave.

I don't love him and I will never know if he's had another affair because he worked out of town for 3 years while I took care of the kids myself. The money he made out of town was a huge amount, yet I don't know where half of that money went because he only sent home enough for me to keep food on the table and pay the bills. His tithing was even short those years (after looking at the W-2s) and he still claimed a full tithe anyway.

He has put us in financial debt that is another complete story of it's own. The prophets have continually told us to get out of debt, but just this week I find that he took out another loan to "keep us afloat" while he sits at home and does not work. It's not that he can't find work -- he refuses to even try to find work. Apparently nobody pays enough to make it worth his time.

The income has been so low that I was able to get a full ride government grant to go back to school full time. He was not happy with me going back to school. I had 14 credits in the fall and another 14 this spring. I never shirked my duties to make sure there was food ready for the family (even while I was in class) by making things in the crock pot...the house has stayed as clean as it ever was before I started school...and the laundry has been cleaned regularly and on time as before.

It's not that he hasn't repented...it's the fact that our marriage was a lie to begin with and the hell that I've been through ever since. It has been a nightmare to say the least.

I'm sorry...you all can point your finger and say that I'm not forgiving. I think I've been very forgiving and tried to put on a happy face all these years. You have to remember that I was stripped of my free agency when I found out about the affair. No one should be made to feel they are the one with the greater sin if they don't stay.

You have no idea what it feels like to have your very spirit cringe at the thought of being with someone you don't love for the rest of your life, let alone for eternity.

[Guest]

I hate to sound very unsympathetic because that's not what I'm trying to say at all. I truly feel sorry for all the stuff you went through.

The thing is, that's why I've always impressed upon my friends the importance of being good friends with somebody before getting married. I shared my story before about how my husband and I didn't even really date. We were friends for 2 years at which time I figured out who he really is. I made the decision to marry him with full knowledge of the "kind of person" he is - good and bad.

Finding out the kind of person he is after saying "I do" - temple or not - is really too late. I don't blame the bishop for trying to get you guys to work it out instead of separating. Eventually, it is all YOUR decision. And everything that happens after that is your choosing.

Yes, your husband is an idiot. Hands down. I mean a real loser - from your account. But you can't blame the bishop for getting you to stay in your marriage. That's what they do - they save temple marriages. And they will continue to do so and I'm glad for it. Because, if my husband and I can make a marriage work with all the challenges we have, I feel that everybody should be able to as well. I can give you horror stories to match yours. The thing is - I knew what I was getting into and so did he. After almost 2 years of hanging out with friends, he finally asked me on a "date" - we were married a week later - but within that week, we made a pact that we are going to be together forever, no matter what. We got married on a Tuesday, I wasn't speaking to him that Friday. Out of our 12 years of marriage, there were at least 4 years that I was ready to commit murder. But we always come back and stick it out. Of course I love him - I wouldn't have married him if I didn't! Are there days I don't? Of course. There were YEARS that I hated him. But then I realize this marriage takes two. Instead of watching out for his flaws, I made it so I'm the best wife ever. THE BEST I CAN POSSIBLY BE. And I'm happy for it. Does he realize all these things I do for him? Dunno. And I don't care either. I just know I am proud of the kind of wife I am. That's it. So he still pissed me off and I go on a rage - I'm human after all - but I've learned to ask him for forgiveness everytime it happens. So he goes on his idiotic tendencies and he doesn't even realize how it hurts me - I don't care. Because under all that - he is still the man I married. And he has never changed. I start looking for all the good things he does and there are tons of them. I concentrate on those and forget the bad. I understand that I can't control what he does but I can control how I react to it. After a while, my attitude rubs off on him and he starts paying better attention because, after all, I'm "his girl" and he still thinks I'm his best friend. Which is really cute. I mean, geez, I have made his life a living hell a lot of times too. I'm not the greatest person when this marriage started! I can't count the number of times I've thrown things at him. And man, I was not his "dream bed partner" either. I was a once-a-month-is-too-many type of person! But, he put up with me too. So, if you ask him, he'll probably tell you how he "overcame a troubled marriage" as well. 12 years of marriage and I can finally say, hey, this is quite a great ride! I'm looking forward to FOREVER!

Anyway, if on my first troubled visit to the bishop the bishop would have said, go ahead - divorce the idiot - I would have missed out on that important lesson of how to make a trouble marriage work. Instead, my bishop helped me see things from a different perspective. He was with both of us the entire time. He's not the bishop anymore but he's still in our ward and when I see him, I can't help but feel gushing gratitude every single time. Especially for his wife who has to put up with my 3AM panic calls for help.

I really believe that for every great man is a great woman. Because, even my husband will tell you that he is the man he is now because of me. He could have easily gone down the loser-spiral but with my support, he didn't. And because of that, I'm blessed twice. Because, really, today - he has become this awesome man. And he loves me!

Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear. It is the internet after all...

Edited December 23, 2009 by anatess

[Just_A_Guy]

A few thoughts:

1) God is not a jerk. If you and your husband are together in the eternities, it will be because his own repentance in conjunction with the Atonement has made him into the type of person you want--and choose--to be with.

2) Difficult though it is, I think you really need to separate the "past" from the "present" here.

Regarding the past, the question is: was his repentance genuine? You sound like you don't think it was--that the affairs, the porn, the tobacco stopped only because he got caught. That, in and of itself, may be grounds for you to leave now. On the other hand, if you think his repentance was sincere, then forgiveness (hard though it is) is important and the focus should shift to the present.

Regarding the present: A knowing and deliberate decision to not support his family may, on top of everything else, be grounds for divorce. You may just be too emotionally drained to keep working with him on his spendthrift ways--and maybe, if the Spirit confirms it, the best thing to do is to leave.

If you dwell on all the times you were wronged--well, you wouldn't be the first one to do so. But it's rarely productive.

[Dravin]

You have to remember that I was stripped of my free agency when I found out about the affair.

No. No you weren't. You can say you were pressured, gave bad council, a host of other things. But your agency was not stripped from you.

By the way, sounds like 1, maybe some 2 (thus making 3 in varying ratios) and a lot of 4. The infidelity was an outgrowth of personality traits that are currently giving you issues as opposed to the fidelity being the main issue at this point.

Edited December 23, 2009 by Dravin

[Guest mormonmusic]

I would like some input from people that are trying to do what's right. I've had advice from many people that aren't living up to gospel standards and have fallen away from the church.

In a nutshell...

After reading the answers to Applepansy's questions, I see two issues. One is this man's apparent willingness to be untruthful in temple recommend interviews. This is something that needs to be taken care of for his eternal salvation.

I also think it hurts the love in the relationship when someone does something like this that is dishonest. One marriage counselor/writer calls dishonesty a love buster, and I think this is impacting on the love skadooshness feels in her marriage. You said you don't love him anymore, which tells me you're in withdrawal right now, Skadooshness...

I also think there are emotional needs that aren't being met in the marriage. Skadoosh's husband's need for sexual fulfilment is one. Skadooshness'es need for financial support is another, since she only gets enough to pay bills. The fact that he's borrowing instead of working is also bothering her -- another hit to her need for financial support (a valid need, within reason).

On the other hand, it appears that Skadoosh's husband is getting his need for domestic support (house cleaned etcetera) met, in spite of the challenges to her time in going to school.

He will have his own version of what is going on in the marriage, not to lessen Skadoosh's comments.

But enough analysis without conclusions -- Skadoosh -- would you like to save this marriage? How much effort are you willing to put into making it work? The answer to this question is an important one if a person is seeking advice....and have you ever seen a marriage counselor?

Edited December 23, 2009 by mormonmusic

[Vort]

My opinion: If your husband has been unfaithful to you, you can divorce him without remorse. That is your "Get Out of Jail Free" card, if you care to exercise it.

You have to remember that I was stripped of my free agency when I found out about the affair.

This is incorrect. No one can strip you of your agency. You may have been given counsel you didn't like. You may even have been given bad counsel. But your agency is yours. It is intact. You can exercise it right now, if you like.

You have no idea what it feels like to have your very spirit cringe at the thought of being with someone you don't love for the rest of your life, let alone for eternity.

If you despise this man and he has been unfaithful to you, I see three possibilities:

• Divorce him.
• Stay with him and make his life a living hell.
• Stay with him and try to build a celestial relationship.

Of these three choices, I suggest #3 as the best. However, #1 is certainly better than #2. It sounds as if your attitude is firmly in the #2 camp at the moment. One problem with #2 is that when you make sure his life is hell, yours is, too.

As a general rule, I'm against counseling people (especially people I don't know) to divorce. "What God hath joined together, let no man put asunder." But infidelity and the hatred it can generate (and apparently has, in your case) can be soul-destroying. If it is a choice between losing your marriage or your soul, I would counsel you to keep your soul.

That said, your idea of remaining for all eternity with someone you despise is false. Celestial relationships are built on love and worthiness, two things utterly lacking in the marriage as you describe it. At this point, worrying about your marriage being eternal is like a morbidly obese patient worrying that if he lifts weights he'll start looking like a bodybuilder. Ain't gonna happen.

[Misshalfway]

I hear you loud and clear, Skadoosh. None of us has enough information to make any kind of judgement calls for you. You have been through a lot and perhaps it finally time to tell the truth about how you feel. Not that its time to start making life altering decisions but just to finally give yourself permission to deal with the pain you always have to put to the side for the benefit of everyone else.

Pornography is an interesting animal. You don't have to know about it for it to do its worst on the relationship. So just because you didn't know and just because he has finally confessed doesn't mean that the damage has been repaired or the healing inside of you even begun. There is so much more to "fixing" porn abuse than a confession and a promise to never do it again. If the bishop or your husband or others don't see that or validate that its ok. They just don't know any better. Give yourself permission to address the pain and the consequences of all the bad choices. If you husband is truly in a state of repentance, he will address the pain and possible healing solutions with you. If he becomes arrogant or beligerent or blameshifts stuff your way, he isn't ready and that should be a good indicator that you need to deal with the pain on your own and however you need to.

If you made decisions earlier in your life that you regret now, forgive your old self. Forgive the bishops who gave you the common-man/generally accepted counsel of the day. You all did your very best. The fact that things didn't change like you thought they would doesn't negate this truth.

Then deal with it today. Don't let mormon guilt or coersion from external voices stop you from listening to your inner voice. If you are worried about breaking the sacred vow of the temple sealing, I would think infidelity and porn addiction would have nullified the bond already. I honestly believe God is interested in genuine healing over the following of the rituals. The rituals are for our benefit but only after we are ready for them. Heavenly Father can help you reset everything if that is your wish whether it is inside your marriage or on to another relationship.

Don't deal in guilt or shame or "shoulds". They aren't helpful thoughts in situations like this. I have been in a similar situation and the best out comes came when I told the truth and when I trusted my inner voice to guide me. The spirit has supported this agency inside me and God has stood strong at my side as I tried to gain the courage to act.

Be kind to yourself. Be gentle with judgements against yourself and others. They don't help either. And get some therapy. Another educated voice in a safe environment is so much better than message boards.

[Misshalfway]

I would thank Vort's last post if I could. Excellent.

[ryanh]

If you want a resource that will help you sort through your thoughts and feelings, get the book Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. It will help you sort through whether you can forgive, if there is enough love and connection to make a go of it, and 30+ other factors to consider and come out of all the fog and confusion that envelops a relationship stuck in ambivalence.

I haven't read the whole thread. Sorry, I just don't have time to right now. But, something tells me you have already made up your mind. Now, were you aware of that, or is your post simply trying to sort that out and find that you had already made up your mind?

Get the book. It will help.

[mrmarklin]

You certainly entered the marraige under false pretenses, and received counsel that in 20/20 hindsight does not appear to have been correct. Unfortunately, you have 4 children. You don't state their ages, but I would plan on staying in the marraige at least until they are out of the house for their sakes.

From your unhappiness, doesn't seem like you husband truly repented,and it seems like there are a lot of other behaviors that would also indicate this. He sounds like a bum, and you should leave as soon as practical.

That being said, God has a way of sorting these things out, but I don't think you need to be condemned to misery in this life for a mistake you made when you were young either.

I personally was very young when I married, and while my wife never lied to me, I was too young to understand that some of her background would contibute to many problems in our relationship over the years. However, while I hope I would never repeat the mistake I made then, we have been able to get along and love one another.

[Relentless]

I am hesitant to offer any advice here because I know that I am far from a great husband. Some people might even call me a terrible husband. I do know that I am very much in love with my wife, and that in the 5 years of us being married, I love her more today than I did when I first proposed.

That said, there was a time when I was very selfish, and it was very humbling to realize how selfish I was, and how much my actions hurt the woman I want to be with forever. Your husband is probably stuck in this selfish stage. Where all he thinks about (or at least whom he thinks about first) is himself. Unfortunately there is little advice on how to get him to change. I know, because there was a time when I wanted my wife to change so badly, that I ended up judging all of her actions and making her feel bad about it. It wasn't until a long cold night's walk and talk with her that I realized that she had not yet made any of the commitments (gospel wise) that I had, that it was not fair of me to expect her to live to my standards. That she was how she was when I fell in love with her, and that it was I, not her that had changed.

I can tell you that in the scriptures we are told to serve those we love, and to care for them. To pray for those who despitefully use us. This was one of the largest factors in my wife's conversion I think, having people love her and serve her, yet not make her feel bad in receiving this service.

So my advice to you would be to look for the positive in your marriage. I suspect you will be surprised at how much you find. When you feel like you hate him, and you feel like you can't take anymore, remember the words of the Savior; Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these, thy brethren, ye have done it unto me.

[Vanhin]

Pray for guidance, and follow the guidance God gives you. Don't forget that forgiveness does not mean you accept or submit to abusive behavior. Whether you leave him or not, you have to forgive him if you want forgiveness yourself.

Regards,

Vanhin

[FairChild]

I'm not sure exactly what you are looking for, but if it is permission that you need to leave him, you have mine. If you are not secure $$$ wise, then continue on the path you have started and work towards financial independance. Also gather any important documents such as birth certificates, marriage certificates and such. I suggest journal writing as a way of documenting what is going on in your household. It also may help you sort out your feelings so that you can decided what it is that you truly want out of your life and the life you want for your children. It sounds as if he is using forms of mental abuse as well as financially controlling your behavior. You have not mentioned how well he treats your children, but if he is good to them, allow that relationship to continue. If not, document, document, document. If you can, write down any past actions that you can tie into dates, events or other such happenings along with names of people that witnessed these events. Some lawyers will give you a free first consult. I would call around and see if it would be possible for you to make an appointment to find out what your options are. I would call the local abuse shelter and talk with the councelors there. Often they can tell you who is good to work with and the names of people to aviod working with. Counceling sounds as if it were in order right now. Would be good if you could both go together and if you could see someone just for yourself as well. Stay safe. Take care of yourself. I don't think you should lightly let go of a marriage, but I do think there are times you just may need to. Home should be Heaven on earth, not Hell in a handbasket. Be good to yourself, be fair to both you and him because in turn, that does affect your children. You both need to be accountable for this marriage, but if he is not honest, lies, doesn't help with $$$, discourages you from improving your life and your family's life and you are so dissatisfied, lack trust, unhappy and and lack a working relationship, I would say it is either time to fix your problems or change the path you are on. When I was divorced (yes twice in my case) I had 2 scriptures that kept coming back to me. One is that man is that he might have joy and wickedness was never happiness. Is this the example of temple marriage you want to share with your children? If not, then either fix it or move on. It sounds as if they are in a pretty toxic household right now. Remember, you can want him to do things, pray for him to do things, but his behavior and choices are his to make, you can't control him. If you leave, it won't be easy, but things will be possible. I always suggest you start with prayer.

[MsQwerty]

Something that has really been disturbing me lately are the stories on the news about Susan Powell going missing and the terrible murder/suicide of a family of four in SLC recently. The media of course, keep harking back to Scott Peterson and Mark Hacking and the parallels between each of these situations.

What keeps haunting me is that each of these men began their path to murder with deceit(with the exception of Josh Powell, who at this point has not been found guilty of a crime). They lied and manipulated their way through their marriages, with good women at their side who 'forgave' and gave them opportunities to change. In each case, the woman was talented, beautiful, intelligent, strong, a wonderful mother, and most often these women were the main breadwinners for the families while their spouses worked part-time if at all.

So women stay in these relationships based on deceit because they want their marriages to work, and if they are LDS, they are motivated by their temple covenants and advice from well-meaning bishops or other church leaders. Meanwhile, the years march on, and the spouse falls back into destructive and dishonest patterns of behaviour and communication. Children arrive, and this is even more motivation for the woman to try and keep her family together. In Susan Powell's case, it was reported in both the Deseret News and the Salt Lake Tribune that she'd prayed about her marriage and decided that she was meant to stay with her husband.

If the woman finally decides she's had enough, she too often ends up dead or injured. The recent news stories are absolutely frightening cautionary tales for any woman who wants to get out of an abusive or unhappy marriage. Too many precious women and children are being destroyed at the hands of their controlling, emotionally stunted and abusive husbands. It's nigh on impossible to predict the behaviour and thoughts of a deceptive spouse. If there is any suggestion that the husband is manipulative and controlling, then a woman needs to make her plans without telling him, and leave in the safest manner possible, ensuring she has custody of her children first.

I'm not saying this is Skadooshness's situation, but how long is any woman expected to stay with an irresponsible, dishonest, unfaithful jerk because she needs to 'forgive' him? Whatever you do Ska, please keep yourself safe if you plan to get out of your current marriage. Don't tell him what you are planning to do until you have everything in place for when you leave - have people around to support you, mostly for emotional support but also as a safety precaution. And of course, pray for guidance in whatever you do, being sure to shut out the 'shoulds' in your mind that may be drowning out the true whisperings of the Holy Ghost.

Edited December 26, 2009 by MsQwerty
typo queen

[ozzy]

I'll admit to not having read the whole thread. From what I have read, I would like to point out that you may take comfort in knowing that all things will be made right in the afterlife. To me this means that if your husband has not kept his temple covenants and has not properly repented of those things he has done, then you don't have to worry about being with him for eternity. From what I understand, he hasn't even kept his baptismal covenants and thus won't even make it to the celestial kingdom. If you have been faithful in all things, you cannot be denied exaltation, so I personally think that it would be worked out in such a way that you are happy, but in a way that I don't feel at much liberty to speculate on.

In any case, while I can't understand your specific position, as I am not a wife or even married, I can say that I do understand abusive situations and relationships, and that they are difficult. I am speaking from the receiving end of experience. I have been fortunate to not have lived with or even near the party involved so forgiveness comes more easily to me. I could easily walk up, shake their hand, and treat them as everyone else. I really don't know what to say about your situation though other than what I have said.

I hope it works out in this life, and I know it will after this life. Good luck and God bless.