How do you hold onto someone who won't stay? And how do you get rid of someone who won't go?


Guest mirancs8
 Share

Recommended Posts

Guest mirancs8

Sorry this may be a bit long. I just wanted to give you all a recap of my marriage issue and how I have come to this point in my life that I am questioning my choice in what type of man I married. This might all seem so angry but you have to keep in mind I've been living this nightmare for 11+ years now.:disgust:

A part of me get’s very angry that other people seem to not understand that in marriage there can be things that are just unforgiving… things you can never forget. You just can’t forget nor can you find it in you to forgive. I get tossed when I think of how many others out there are just blinded from the reality of their relationship.

Keep in mind we’ve had troubles most our entire marriage. Nearly 8 months after we moved here I asked him to live. I just had it with him talking to me as if I had no worth when it was HE not I. It was him that could not do anything right and ME who would fix everything. When he wanted to start a website business some 3 years ago I told him that I didn’t want any part of it since I always get tossed into his stupid business ideas and blamed when it fails, because he know he doesn’t know how to do 90% of what I can when it comes down to business. Low and behold I got dragged into it. When the business failed… who got blamed? ME, ME, and ME.

When we moved here he again had a brilliant business idea again I told him I didn’t want anything to do with it. He made me feel guilty with his usual line. Don’t you want me to succeed? If I succeed we both succeed. I was floored at how talented he was at turning this all on me when it was his idea… his dreamy wish not mine. I was successful at every job I had. I didn’t need someone to hold my hand and do my work to make me successful. I did it without him! Suddenly when I tried to help him with some things that he was struggling with like filling in the blanks in a form contract for his business idea he spoke to me in such a belittling voice as if I was had no worth. I worked for days getting everything right it wasn’t easy working with 2 small kids doing his STUFF. I lost it! I told him I wanted to separate. He started to cry and I said no I want to part ways. I WAS TIRED!

His way of dealing with this rejection was to continue sleeping in our bed and ignoring the children. See the pattern. So he was ignoring the kids so that I would feel guilty for the kids and mend ways so the kids would not be traumatized. I got mad and asked him why he was doing this to the children. He said, “well they aren’t going to see their father anymore so I am distancing myself so they don’t get traumatized.” WHAT! You idiot. Then he proceeded to tell me that he’s just going to end his life and such. I didn’t pay much mind at first but then I started to wonder he might because he’s selfish like that. I looked for his gun. Low and behold there it was in the drawer next to the bed. GREASED and ready to fire!

So this really got to me. I got so angry at him! You selfish *%&*%$^$!! How could you do this to those poor little boys who love you so much. I told him to his face that he was selfish. He proceeded to say that he was nothing without his family. I told him that he has family… lots of family. Just because we would be seperated didn’t mean he still didn’t have kids (plus all his extended family) and responsibility to them as a father. Suicide to me is selfish as if you are running from your responsibilities.

He just isn’t able to separate our marriage and the relationship with his children. He thinks it’s a package deal. I also feared for my own life at that point. He could shoot me and even our kids in our sleep and we’d never know it. People do this stuff and it was really becoming a reality. I realized that he was VERY insecure in himself and I think he validates himself through me. Honestly at times I don’t think he would survive without me because I have been the one holding everything together.

The recent event started by my husband making a comment a short while back about figuring out how to reset a password. Now you have to keep in mind that I have been with him for over 13 years and he is never one to change or even know how to reset a password. I couldn’t get the conversation out of my head and started to think, “something just isn’t right.” I decided to scope his emails for clues. 1st day nothing, 2nd day walah! There it was.

Long story short he was (and is I’m sure) scoping women out on craigslist.com and other dating sites while having communication with them with great interest. Also heavily visiting porn sites. Not just “Hi how are you” it was scheduling times and places to meet up, telling them what he does for a living and where his business is located, and some intensely sexual dialog. I’m saving these emails and even forwarding them to my mother for the ammunition that I will need very soon when I leave him.

He is extremely talented in flipping events around to take it off of him and land it right on me. It’s amazing how he does it… I think he should start giving private lessons since he’s been doing it to me for our entire marriage. I am hyper-sensitive so I tend to be easily manipulated and take much more crap then most so explains why I am in this very dangerous marriage. I don’t see it ever coming until it’s already been done and the shock of him flipping things on me it to much.

So here I am feeling physically ill wanting to vomit! I have to manage to stick around till I land a better job and can financial support myself without him. This is going to kill me. I have been taking valiums to make it through the nights when I have to see him. This is truly hell. I always hear about women who go through this but never in my life thought that I would.

I just hope the Lord will keep me strong as I have no family or anyone here in Arizona and I feel so very alone right now. I have to become strong for the children. I have to overcome this trial in my life. I deserve better!

So a couple of weeks of monitoring his emails and internet activity I had the confrontation with my husband. He was home. I left work early because of a disturbing email that he sent to this girl which questioned my motives in the marriage AND my parenting ability. Well as you can imagine I went totally postal. It was around 11am. I told my boss I had a personal emergency and that I would have to leave for the day. No problem he said. I drove like a crazy lady for a 30 minute drive that felt like hours. My mom called. My sister called. All giving me a pep talk. “Don’t back down”, “he’s a bully”, “he’s a leech”, “he’s going to try to turn it on you and make you feel guilty.” I was just mad… really angry.

I came into the house and boy was he caught off guard. I told him to stay seated. I said, “let’s read.” And I read the lovely email he wrote that belittled me and made me out to be so crazy nut. He started to sweat. He got nervous…. Scared at what consequences would come out of this event happening right in front of him. You could see the guilt streaming with each drop of sweat coming down his face. Did I feel bad. NO. Did I feel sad. NO. I can’t even tell you how I felt because I was just so angry at the moment all feeling went out the window.

Finally, I presented some of the evidence of his correspondences with those whores on craigslist, and his internet history. Finally after an exchange of words I said to him, “I want you to know this… look at me. I want you to know that I forgive you for what you have done to me. I have forgiven you. I will not forget! But I have forgiven you.” He was shocked. After all that how could someone forgive someone. I’ve learned. Once you forgive you take that rage off of you and back on to the person who it should be on. He needs to feel guilt and anger at himself. I’m done being angry.

For about an hour he sat in our closet banging his head and fist against the wall and wishing God would take him. I thought it was a selfish wish as he has children and what idiot would leave their children without parent just to take an easy route out of a problem. For whatever reason I spent the next couple of hours trying to bring him down a few levels and make him see that we needed to go our own ways. This did not mean he was no longer a father… he still had his children to think of. Well of course he doesn’t see things this way. He thinks that because he and his wife are no longer together that there is no point. It’s so stupid I can’t even make sense of any of it.

What I think is so funny about this entire “picking up chicks on the internet” is that a week prior a Pastor from an Independent Baptist church (I was attending with my husband just to make him happy and not make waves) and this Pastor asked if we’d like to accept Christ in our lives right now. Sure why not. My husband with the drama tears and all went through the motions. I watched this and kept thinking to myself “he is such a hypocrite!” It all seemed so fake to me. So it was so moving for him that a week later he breaks one of the commandments! DUH! And he wants me to believe in him. Heck NO.

With that said I told him to act normally with the children coming home since it is not their issue and to not make them feel the pain. He did treat them normally. He slept on the sofa in the playroom… this is now his bedroom. About a month after the confrontation I had to let him back into the bedroom since our children were really questioning why daddy was sleeping in their playroom.

After this entire confrontation I told him that I would tell his older sister (her husband is a Psychiatrist) so that he could have someone to talk to. His sister is like a mother figure for him and her and her husband would be very helpful in helping him. He comes right up to my face with his hand coming up and threatens me to NEVER say anything to them. His eyes were like the devil leaked into his every crevice… it was very scary and his hands were near my throat. At that very moment I thought he was going to kill me with his hands around my neck.

I thought about moving back to PA near my family but really I love living here and that wouldn’t solve my problems just to move. Unfortunately getting him out will be nearly impossible. He is like a leech. I can’t explain it. I have such a mix of emotions right now I can’t explain it. I hate him, I love him, I want to hit him over the head with an iron skillet at the same time save him from himself. I don’t know. My emotions are really all over the place. I am so confused!!

He wrote to me a text shortly after this entire thing saying why don’t we move to California to my sisters house on the beach, I’ll work out their… it’s like he thinks the problem gets solved that easily. NO it doesn’t! What part of the “I want you out of my life” does he not get!? I’m so confused… mad… and so very sad right now. HE JUST WON’T LEAVE!!!!

In conclusion, I am extremely frightened for my life and my children’s well being. My older son is very sensitive like me and I know for a fact that he is picking up on all of this. He is going to crush this child. He’s my first born and exactly like me and I feel for him. I believe now that my husband is a very insecure person and he does not care about me nor our children. He really only cares about his well being.

What’s really bad is I’ve been self-mutilating my breast because of the thoughts of him even touching me or breathing near me. I’m much stronger now than I was before because I was very insecure for years but I have to say being surrounded by the missionaries and the LDS community has definitely strengthened me. The self mutilation I guess is me acting out on an emotion I haven’t dealt with and I think it will take him getting out of my life to stop this act.

Again so sorry this was so long and I don’t want you all to think I am just this really angry women but I’ve been put through so much in the last 11+ years with this man and I am just now getting the strength to do something about it.

I don’t know if anyone has ever watched the movie War of the Roses but this line that Barbara Rose says after Oliver Rose demands a reason she wants a divorce sums up how I feel about my husband.

“Because. When I watch you eat. When I see you asleep. When I look at you lately, I just want to smash your face in.”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have lots of thoughts about the situation. I'll share some of those later when I digest the post better.

But, my first reaction is that you probably ought to get a protective order from the courts. See a lawyer, learn what your options are, and get a protective order that will force him to move out and leave you alone. So long as he continues the fear and threats, it will be very hard for you to make a move without support and protection.

And no, you don't have to wait until you have a better job. The lawyer can help you through getting a support order in place also.

Edited by ryanh
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well did it help? :D

Seriously... what can I say, been there done the devorce and decided taht ok IF God says this break of marriage was wrong so be it, I am sorry I could not take it any more!

For you ... like it was for me ... also it is more difficult, as what you wish deep inside, is that he would be like brother X, who is a good father and a great leader in the family and most of all a good LDS. After all you did see something good in him, or you had not lived with him so many years, you saw the man he COULD be ... but not the man he was.

The problem is: he obviosly dont want to be the man you saw in him. And not only that, but he is going in a direction where you dont want to go and he is trtying to pull you with him. Like my ex was going thowards pornografc things, gays, use of alcohol (he did stop to smoke for a few years...) Funny one more similary thing is : I pulled him off a low pay, job he would never had a chanse to advance in, from an exrtahand jobb to a very good, secure jobb, with possibility to get forward... and he did as far as possible with his education.

I see so much similarity with your case and mine. Part of me did not want to leave him, part told me I am crazy, which I probably was. I learned to ignore his trantums, he never yelled, we never actually fought with words, no screeming... untill one day he grabed me and held my arms so I got brused, yeah it hurt and I never forget the crazy look in his eyes... that was when I called my mother. But he was a typical Finnish man he did nto talk. I was a member of the Church then, and I wished he would change... He moved out and for 3 years he did not pay a cent to me, as he never informed the officials he moved.

Funny, how God arranges things... you are not supposed to ask a woman who is not officially devorced to marry (we did not know that then)... my DH asked me on 24th of December, when we were visiting him (me and my kids) ... as I came home I saw that the devorce had gone trough on 22nd December... :P I tok that as a good sighn...

Well anyway it really is up to you... but as there is fear in the picture. ONCE the fear gets in it wont leave you, it just keeps growing. It may have a break, but is back as soon as he gives any implications to what scares you. He really needs a MIGHTY cahnge of heart, so mighty that it seldom happens... but it does happen.

You are interested in a Church where people marry FOR EVER, not just untill death us apart... that too is a big barrier between you two, and will be untill he is a member. It is NOT easy to live in a marriage where the other dont give a d about religion and your crazy studise, ideas, meetings and friends. The fact that you wish an eternal family is just bs for him, he could not care less. Ofcourse that is ONLY til death you apart, then maybe he will be there with you forever... as a changed good person...

I think you should sit down and TINK and pray.. think of how it was when you met, what are the good sides of him and what he has become, why he has become what he is, and if you see any possibility that you have caused on him some negative features, admit it at least to yourself and God, we all make mistakes. Think, IS there a real possibility, that he would/could change? Are you willing to wait for that? Is there any possibility to mend things? When you think and pray, you will get a very calm feeling about what is right to do.

IF you decide to stay... it will be a h.e.l.l unless he becomes an LDS too... but then also LDS fall and they fall from high!

If you decide to leave him... the house.. was your siters... not a good time to sell a house, no... you dont have a downstairs you can rent for him? Anyway when you get him out.. change the locks! Dont leave a key to kids when they wisit him.

:huh: ups got a bit long... :D

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest mirancs8

Maya, we both have such similar stories. Thank you for sharing. Of course Ryan you too have great advice.

I think some of the problem was when I married him I was young and naive. I wanted out of my mothers house and just jumped the first boat at that time. I knew him less then a year. I married very quickly. There were many signs that it was a huge no no but I didn't listen... cause I just wanted OUT.

Anyway, after we had children his true colors came out. I always imagined my husband and I would go on road trips together, play board games with the kids, fish, hike, explore new adventures with the children and such. No, he was just the opposite. I have to force him to play a board game with me and the children at night, he is texting non-stop to who I have no idea, just to get him to the Aquarium the other day you would think I was asking him to jump out of a plane or something! I am the one that takes the kids on these fun trips to the Safari or Zoo, festivals, Museums, or even the lake to BBQ and fish.

When the missionaries call to ask if they can stop over on a Sunday he's response is, "don't have those people come cause the game is on." OK, once in a while is fine but every week I just get tired of it. I just grab the kids and take them somewhere even if it's to the park because I can't deal with him plugged in front of the TV for hours when his boys are begging for his attention... to just have time with their father. It gives me pain in my heart to see those boys miss what it is to have an involved father.

It kills me cause I can't give to my boys what a true father can. I'm a natural nurturer and I feel like I am forced to fill 2 roles.

I tried for many years to change him but maybe it was just my eyes opening up more and maturing that made me see the reality I was living in. I'm optimistic though. I see my future bright. I am excited to set my baptism date some time near my birthday this year. To finally do it after all these years it will be a true celebration for me. I am so excited for the next chapter of my life without him. Being the proud mother and to hopefully meet someone who I will be able to spend eternity with. Wow, how beautiful that will be!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First you need to really KNOW what you want to do about him.

Yes there is a dream in every girl, I think, that their hubands will play boardgames and go to "Disneylands" with the kids and her. And enjoy the smile of a child like wemen do. To comfort you ... NOT many do! IT usually is a pain in many families to get the guys going anywhere with kids... and the wife. But there are those too, lucky the one who finds them. Not that the men would not enjoy beeing with their family, they just like to do it from the coach by the tv. :mad:

You need to face the cold fact, that it is very probable no matter what happens, that YOU are the one who gets the family "going". Sad to say but not even all preasthood bearers are able to gather the family to a simple familyevening, or take the wife out once ion a while. Usually it is the woman who prepares the familyevenings in many families adn even leads them... but deep in their hearts they wish the man would do it!

My Dh is sitting by the TV waitind for us to come to HIM for familyevening... I look at the clock at 5 pm adn think I have good 2 hours to teh familyevening... then I do my things on teh internett and ... ups it is 9.30 pm... :eek: And no one has thought of trying to gather us together for a familyevening... son is playing computer games... DH is sleeping ... I mean watching the tv... I really should nake a New Year promise to get the family together on Monday evenings... even though all we have is a 17 .. soon 18 year old home with us and more. We do sometimes gather on Sundays after Church though for a "familyevening".

I think the marriage between two is really to fulfill one an other. In other words if I am good at gathering the family I should do it, if he is good in making food... I let him do it... the only problem is when you get ALL the jobs on you... then you have to either decide that ok I do them or try to fight him to do some of the tasks.... which may be a lifelong fight or just let part of the things be undone.

Like your boys not having their father around when they grow up... doing fun things together... so many men do ont realise what they miss untill it is too late and there is no kids anymore to take to fun places.

Sometimes I think guys are so in to taking care of their families physically that they forget the mental health; how importnat is a discusition, a smile, a touch, a hug, beeing together, doing together. And to many marriage is just a status symbol, and they are ready to fight for that staus, NOT the family they have. For them cheeting is just somethign they do and that should not consern the family at all... after all he is doing what is expected as the man in the family.....

An LDS marriage has an other point of view to marriage... the eternity. This gives a lot more depth to the maning of marriagge and I believe it does give more wish to really become better in marriaga, to learn to live together. the non LDS marriages... who cares of the truth as the marriage is not continuing after death, cheating is much more easy and happens more often, even recommended for refrehment of marriage... Sad thing is that many LDS men, even some wemen, dont realise the ETERNAL harm they do in any sexual realtionships except with their wifes/husbands.:(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest mirancs8

Thanks Maya. With my home it's everything dumped on me. I could write a book truly I could. I agree there are men out there who like to plug themselves in front of the TV for hours or they don't really have the desire to play a strong role in their child's bond with them (activities, time etc.) and this is all OK. There are women who want it this way and that fine. I'm not expecting perfection believe me I am not near any type of perfection. I think what I am asking of him as a father is not much.

I have seen and have know men who are just that... active, loving, bonding, and involved husbands/fathers. I admire their up and at it attitude. They can think beyond the tube. For example my husband is off tomorrow and I mentioned why not take the kids to the Zoo to have some quality time with his boys and take them for some ice cream etc. (of course I shouldn't have to always give him these ideas I mean he should expand his mind) his remark was, "we'll see." So before he said he had off and nothing to do and I suggest something and suddenly he will think about it. As if his schedule got so busy in a matter of 5 minutes. So we all know what's going to happen right... I'm going to end up taking them and he'll be slopping himself around the house texting his girlfriends!

Had to mention. My oldest son who is very sensitive and picks up everything turned to me in the car on the way back from the Mesa Temple (see Christmas lights/show) and says to me, "mom, why is dad always texting? He texted when he's driving, in the bathroom, making our lunch in the morning (I leave at 6:15am so he takes them to school), and it's like all the time mom. It's ridiculous!" I wasn't shocked being this kids keeps tabs on everything we do and say LOL! I didn't know what to say to him without belittling his father. He was so mad and I complete related to his feelings. I just said, "I know pumpkin, I know. It will be fine."

He was in the shower this morning so I went on his phone to check his text messages. The man won't leave the phone in one room if he goes in another SO I KNOW something isn't right cause years before he never did that. He's hiding something. So I notice all his email box is deleted BUT there were a few text messages from his old girlfriend out in LA who coincidentally is an old friend of mine from Phila. She's married living in LA now. I don't blame her heck I've known her since I was a child. What's funny is that he deleted all those message on his blackberry when he is know for never emptying his email in box. So he's erasing everything to get rid of the text messages. I didn't have enough time to search more in depth but I will.

My point is that maybe if he spent less time surfing the internet for hookers, texting random women, and instead took the kids somewhere fun and such (like I did last night) maybe he wouldn't seem like such an A** to his own son!!

With that said my kids had a blast last night together and I couldn't thank God enough for how fortunately I have to have my 2 boys. I never thought I could love like I love them. I am so looking forward to this new year!!!!

Thank you everyone!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What can I say.... :bighug:

Yeah sometimes one just has to take the bull by the horns... What ever you do I hope you know you have a lot of back up around here.

If you really need a ... the BIG proof... search and you shall find. But you have already many profs... and you already confronted him for all this ... but I quess he did not really confess. My ex did not say a word when I confronted him. If he would tell you that all this texting and all is quite something else... would you believe him? Is there possible to be a good explanation?

I dont ahve any sisters or brothers... not any around here anyway, and I never had much connection with mine. Instead I have a dear friend in Finland I bene helping him out as he has really had bad luck with jobb and a bit in Church... he feels he is put on shelf. He is by no menas a exemple, but he is a warn good person and he ... for some reason is the kind of person I can talk of anything with. I really can talk hour or efven more about Church, revelations, second coming with him... If I would talk with anyone else I know (except one olderly lady around here) the other person woudl saythere is no sence in thinking about that, just read the scriptures and taht is enough.... uh. So sometimes I been afraid waht seh thinks about him and me. He even lived a period with me and my boys when my husband was not around :eek: He really is like a dear brother to em and I really like his wife. And we try to help them in all the ways we can. He is missing possibly 9 months from getting more than the lowest pension... and I am working on that now, maybe I get it arranged, they need the money.

Talk to him. Ask for an explanation. It is not good for you guys to live like that, not good for any of you. And PRAY!

I hope you will have a good New Year...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest mirancs8

That is so wonderful Maya that you are helping a friend in need. That is always a great thing.

No his text are to women because I've checked before. I have been praying for a long time and the Lord has given me the answers. Maybe it's not always what I expect or understand but always in the end I can rely on HIS answer. I will part ways with him this year. I have already been taking great care of my body, health and my mental health as this situation over the years has taken a toll on me in those areas. I feel an optimistic light ahead of me and I'm very excited for this new year. I believe it's going to be life changing for certain.

Have a happy new year!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don’t suppose there are a whole lot of people on here that truly understand how living in a toxic marriage for extended periods of time can bring out the worst in us. There are some, but not a lot. I think you’ve done good.

And I’m happy to hear that you see the light already. I’m always very careful to suggest divorce as I’m all too familiar how awful it can be. But, when one spouse consistently proves themselves unworthy to remain married, it is needful to call it to an end. I’m predicting you will feel a whole lot lighter and happier once you are free.

So he knows you want to end it. But he hasn’t been willing to leave. So, the big question is how to get him out of the house. Wish I had other ideas than what I posted above. I’d bet women’s shelters and/or domestic violence counselors in the area might have some good advice on that.

Another reason to contact a women’s shelter would be to get some ideas on how to deal with the possibility of his attempting to commit suicide when this all comes to a head. Many people feign they will commit suicide in an attempt to get attention, or control another’s behaviors. But, it is so hard to tell when it is control and when it is real. If I were you, I’d get advice on dealing with whatever may happen before any crisis appears.

If you aren’t really settled that leaving him is the best option, the book Too Good To Stay, Too Bad To Leave is a great resource for walking through the factors to consider when attempting to make that decision. You cannot ‘save’ anyone from themselves. It’s a harsh and painful reality of relationships, but that is the way it is.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The next time he threatens you by saying he will commit suicide or bangs his head against the wall or threatens to hurt you and/or your children, walk out of earshot, pick up the phone and dial 911. If he is behaving in that fashion, he really needs to have a psych eval done. If he is threatening to hurt himself or others, he needs to be in a safe place where he can harm no one, including himself. Don't threaten you will do it, just do it! If something happens to you, who will care for your children? Would you really want a man that would treat them the way you are treated raising them and giving them his values? Stay safe. Call a hotline for domestic violence. They can give you a lot of free advice and help. They can help you come up with a saftey plan in case you need one. Good luck and I really hope you follow through. FC

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest mirancs8

Fairchild, thank you for your comment. You are so correct and hit a cord with me. I should have picked up the phone at that moment and called 911. Why didn't I think of that? I feel stupid when I think about it. I did suggest I call his Pastor but he got even more crazy when I said that. I will follow through believe me. This year it is going to happen.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To start, I am not a therapist, psychologist, or a psychiatrist. My comments are based solely on my own experience, and what I've learned as a result of them. Please keep this in mind when reading my comments.

I truly am sympathetic to how traumatic your marriage has been; however, I am a little put off by the "he does everything wrong, I do everything right," comments. I don't doubt that's true in the majority of cases, but then, always insisting you're right can border on being emotional abusive.

I also don't understand why you haven't left by now. Your children are being emotionally abused by their father and should not be around him right now. I think a protection order is a good idea, but the truth is, many husbands/partners violate it, and it sounds like your husband might be one of them. This could have disastrous consequences for your sons.

I agree with the suggestion of going to a women's shelter. Your children need to be safe, and they're not right now. Watching their parent's fight damages them emotionally, sometimes for life. You're their mother, and it's your job to protect them.

Sorry to be so clinical about this. I don't dismiss the obvious toxicity of what's happening right now. But you do have choices, and you need to be making them today, for your children.

Again, take my comments with the realization I am not an expert in these matters.

Elphaba

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Miran dont blaim yourself for not calling... to understand what to do may take years... it is like finding words to describe something very difficult. It is like the forevergoing fight about beeing saved by only mercy... actually our beliefs dont difffer from others but we are often not able to find the right words so the other one would understand... Well any way it is very importnat that you understand what you are doing so you dont blaim yourself of anything that may or may not follow your actions.

If you call like FC said dont tell him, and dont talk in phone so he can hear, just call. Or he will get the power over you. Anyway he will need (and apparently already needs) help from therapists. It also is good to find out he has no disorder that can be helped by doctors...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest mirancs8

Elphaba, thank you for your comment. I appreciate it. My situation is really complicated and much more then what I can write here. It's a combination of manipulation, control, and years of being beat down that has made me much weaker then I was some 12 years ago.

I had a friend who her husband would mentally mess with her and would physically hit her, pinch her, and do things that I just couldn't for the life of me understand why she stayed. I would tell her, "just leave! You can stay with me. What are you doing staying in this destructive relationship?" Month after month, year after year I would say this to her, and for some reason she wouldn't leave. I was so angry at her for years. I thought it was so simple... the answer is there! YOU have a choice! Until now.

Now I understand. No matter what I type many of you won't understand but some will. All I can say is I NOW understand. She just got divorced from him 2 years ago and remarried this terrific man that I am just gaga for because they are perfect together. So I'm so happy for her. Though she was not perfect by any definition she did deserve happiness, love, and respect from her spouse.

I'm not perfect and I will never lie and say that I am. BUT the difference is that I acknowledge my problem areas, and I have no issue with my husband (or anyone) having a constructive conversation with me about it. I am always willing to listen and always willing to work on bettering myself. Heck I've been going to therapy for years to better myself and I think I've done a heck of a job. My husband on the other hand has no idea who he is or how he is towards others. I can't explain his behavior in words. I just know this that everyday is an unknown emotional roller coaster for me when dealing with him.

So I don't want you to get some false image of me as if I think I walk on water in this marriage and I am so perfect. NO, absolutely not! If everyone was perfect we would all be terribly bored with each other. I do believe in chemistry though. I believe what may be toxic in one relationship could be divine happiness in another. Not all couples are meant to be with each other. Some relationships become more toxic over time and therefore become dangerous. I'm all for people in toxic relationships to try and work things out but if they can't it's best they part ways.

To address why I haven't actually physically left is because this is my sisters house (she bought as an investment) and I have no desire to leave this house. It's a roof over our 2 boys heads in a beautiful safe neighborhood that I can easily afford. I do agree that I have choices and I am slowing making them.

Thank you Maya for your comment as well. I blamed myself for years and stopped doing that a year ago. I realized that it was not I that was the root of the problem. My problem is that when I do write it here the words just don't describe well enough what the experience is for people in these types of relationships. Plus we have to take in consideration the person who is in the toxic relationship and their personality. They may not be confrontational or have nearly the amount of self confidence others have. So they may go about resolving issues differently then someone who lets say is very self confident and aggressive.

"Life's journey is not traveled on a freeway devoid of obstacles, pitfalls, and snares. Rather, it is a pathway marked by forks and turnings. Decisions are constantly before us. To make them wisely, courage is needed: the courage to say, 'No,' the courage to say, 'Yes.' Decisions do determine destiny. The call for courage comes constantly to each of us. It has ever been so, and so shall it ever be."

--Thomas S. Monson

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Elphaba, thank you for your comment. I appreciate it. My situation is really complicated and much more then what I can write here.

I understand this. I don't have the words to describe the traumatic issues in my own life, and if I did, it would be a series of books (that no one would bother to read). So, I appreciate how impossible it is to convey everything you've experienced in your marriage.

I understsand why you don't want to leave your sister's house. However, with my limited knowledge of your situation, I still think your children are in jeopardy. Could your sister evict him? I believe she would have to give him 30 days notice to leave, but he would have to leave.

Elphaba

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest mirancs8

Thank you Elphaba. Actually my sister and I did think about that option and it is one that could be what we have to do. I'm thinking I may get him to an appointment with my therapist and tell him straight out there that he has 3 weeks to move out of the house and that I have started the filing process. My therapist said she would be more then willing to meet with us both. I think if she's there he wouldn't get so crazy as he would when we are in the house. Thoughts?

I'm starting a new job so I need to wait till the beginning of Feb because things are just all over the place right now. The kids are fine believe me. Though he is so mean to his kids he isn't abusive to the point that I couldn't leave him alone with them for a few hours. I know he loves them but maybe the toxicity of our relationship brings out the worst in him as well (which he may put out on the kids). Maybe. Believe me the children are my priority. But I do have to make my decisions and moves well thought out and not put them into a worse situation. I want this to go as smooth as possible for them.

Thank you!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You know, if you're worried about him "going crazy" when you tell him you want him out of the house and are starting to file for a divorce, then I wouldn't want to be living in a place that he knows of. If he's as unstable as your posts make him sound (and realize I'm *only* basing this on your posts, obviously I don't know him as well as you do) then I would be extremely concerned that he might try to break into the house, or lure you outside to hurt you and/or your children, or worse. People like him have a tendancy to "snap" when things suddenly take a turn like this.

I think moving to a new location that he's never been to, possibly at the same time you start the new job (which BTW, does he know the location of your new job?) would be the ideal situation for preserving the safety and well being of you and your children. There's no benefit to good schools and good neighborhoods if the one person who wishes you harm knows where that neighborhood and school is.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

From egg to carthepillar to crysalis to a beautiful butterfly!

I really cant get the guys that dont want to listen and change if the change will help the marriage and familylife. :confused: But if they wont, there are two possibilities 1 devorce and become the butterfly... alone 2 Die of undernurishment and dissapear.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest mirancs8

Jennamarie thank you for your response. He's not crazy all the time it's just at moments. Plus I think when it comes down to it I can't picture him actually hurting our children. I think our relationship makes us become much more of what we really are not. I plan on alarming the house and back gate area so I have that covered. Plus when it comes to my job at the first sign of him even thinking to do that I would get a restraining over. But I can't see him doing that. The man uses a GPS to get to the market down the street so no I can't see him even thinking to do that.

The first month are so would be tough but he would cool down I'm sure of it. His sisters would never allow him to get nasty towards me. His one sister had the nastiest divorce imaginable (we had to smuggle her out of the middle east with her 12 year old son) and we took her in for over 2 years till she got on her feel so I can see his sisters helping him to adjust. I have to say for having in-laws my sister-in-laws are very down to earth and have a realistic view of their brothers qualities and faults.

I want to make it clear that my every move has been calculated for the best interest of by 2 boys. I have to do this in a certain way to not make dramatic shifts especially for my older son. School and the neighborhood is extremely important for us because he has friends who he has become very close to (we call them the 3 musketeers!), and I have a support system in the community if I need it. I can reach out anytime they have been my rock when I have no family here. It's a comforting feeling to know I have that and my kids feel a sense of security as well.

Maya, love your post!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Call the shelter and ask them if they can tell you anything about legally having him removed from the home and what it requires. You can even call the PD for advice. If his name is on the lease, what do you need to make happen so it is removed? Make a safety plan. It only takes a few hotheaded minutes for someone to do something that is very damaging and can't be taken back. If you get a restraining order, keep a copy of it in your purse, car and house. How do you know exactl;y what happens when he is alone with your kids? I think it is great you are planning long term and I understand that can take a bit of time to process everything and do it right. I agree, tell him in front of your therapist. If he blows up, she can document it and it will help you. I'm proud of you and what you are doing. It isn't easy, but it is possible.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't know how safe that would be Maya. She could tip him off before Mirancs8 is prepared enough to follow through.

May be... just trying to think of someone who could talk with him, to him to make him understand that this wont go. Rough measures may also rise opposein deeds. Peacefully done would be much better. :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share