Unsent Letters

[john doe]

Dear Carl's Jr.,

Your ads have been disgusting for a long time. The current one is the lowest! I thought that a salad ad could never be nearly pornographic. I was wrong.

You're not getting a cent of mine,

Mightynancy

Dear Carl's Jr,

While Nancy might not be going to your restaurant, you can use the extra time to make my burger with love. Your Big Carl is currently my favorite named burger. BTW, I don't watch your tv ads so I don't know what she's talking about.

[Dravin]

Yes, lagering is usually done at cooler temps, so their claim that it's "aged cold" is as meaningless as the "triple-hops brewed" claim. But brewed cold?? I suspect there may be some black magic at work here. After all, the initial brewing phase is called "the boil" for a reason.

Of course isn't the consensus (at least amongst beer aficionados) that Coors isn't really beer? So relying on commonly accepted processes for brewing beer may be a mistake.

[john doe]

Dear Mr. Goat Roper driving the big ol 2009 Ford F350 in front of me;

The speed limit is 50 mph, NOT 35. No I really am not in that big of a hurry, but the 8 cars behind me just might be.

Also, if you are going to swerve all over the road as you drive, perhaps you should:

• a.Take that 10 gallon hat off so you can see without tipping your head all over the place, thus causing your truck to swerve all over the place.
• b.Give the cell phone to Mrs/Ms Goat Roper, because obviously you can not talk and drive at the same time. You know, the swerving.
• c.Man up and let Mrs/Ms Goat Roper drive- she at least drives the speed limit and can multi-task by driving, talking in the cell phone, and listen to you and the radio.
• d.Stay home!

It's obvious you live in Arizona.

[Guest Godless]

Dear Carl's Jr,

While Nancy might not be going to your restaurant, you can use the extra time to make my burger with love. Your Big Carl is currently my favorite named burger. BTW, I don't watch your tv ads so I don't know what she's talking about.

I've never seen a commercial for Carl's Jr. either. I've seen ads for Hardees though (Carl's Eastern twin), and they always seemed harmless enough.

[Guest Godless]

Of course isn't the consensus (at least amongst beer aficionados) that Coors isn't really beer? So relying on commonly accepted processes for brewing beer may be a mistake.

It's a beer in the same sense that Kraft Singles are cheese.

[Dravin]

I've never seen a commercial for Carl's Jr. either. I've seen ads for Hardees though (Carl's Eastern twin), and they always seemed harmless enough.

My experience has usually been radio spots. And I concur with the thought that they are unappetizing. Carl's Junior is tasty in my mind, but adds that make potential customers loose their appetite are not the way to go. It has been a while since I've heard a radio spot though.

But what do I know? Maybe the majority of the Carl's Junior liking public gets hungry when listening to a dog slurp up it's own vomit or try to get peanut butter off the roof of its mouth.

[Dravin]

It's a beer in the same sense that Kraft Singles are cheese.

It's made from beer but isn't beer itself? :)

New from the Scientists at Coors, Dairy Free Processed 'Cheese' Product!

Edit: Wow, they've been beaten to it!

Edited January 3, 2010 by Dravin

[Guest Godless]

Something like that.

[Iggy]

It's obvious you live in Arizona.

What gave it away? Oh, I know, the Ford F350!

[Palerider]

To All Drivers

While driving on a divided highway or Interstate, stay in the right lane. The left lane is not the lane to be talking on cell phone reading a book or whatever your reading, combing or brushing hair or applying war paint. MOVE OVER !!!!!!!

[Iggy]

Dear Shopper,

Your cart does not belong in the middle of the aisle while you are three aisles away browsing the shelves. Don't get all bent out of shape when you come back and it is either pushed to one side out of the way, or gone completely. The store empoyee came and put the items away. Oh, except for the ice cream that was melting all over the floor- that got thrown out.

Also, if you decide six aisles later that you do not want the frozen dinners, do not put them in the fresh produce - take them back to the frozen section and put them where you got them.

It is becasue of inconsiderate shoppers like you, and shoplifters, that the price of food goes up so high.

[Carter]

Dear Jim,

I don't understand why you did the things you did when I was a teenager but over the years I've come to accept it, as the actions that make up who you are. I know your dad did the same thing and I guess by doing less of what he did your working on breaking the cycle, unfortunately you haven't, that will be my job. I hope one day both of us won't be so resigned to the relationship we have now and maybe one day I'll be able to call you dad again and mean it.

Carter.

[Moksha]

Dear Coors,

It is a bad idea to filter your beer through asbestos. Someone will eventually catch onto that and write about it on some religious forum(where they do not usually drink beer anyway). Then some astute readers will pick up on filtering that yucky beer through asbestos and pass it on to those they care about. So there.

[Moksha]

Dear Fellow Pew Sitters,

It is not a good idea to have lengthy conversations at the end of the pew, when you have a bunch of people trapped in between waiting to go to Primary, Gospel Doctrine and the restroom. Take it to the gym for a chat.

[MarginOfError]

Dear Primary President,

Could you forward me your notes from Ward Council this morning? I was a little distracted by your fishnet stockings.

Sincerely,

The Ward Clerk

[Palerider]

Dear Driver

Is there a reason when you are turning right you put your left signal on as you swing left, then turn right signal on to make the right turn??? Are you trying to confuse the person in back of you or are you just crazy and think that you have to do that????

[john doe]

Dear Primary President,

Could you forward me your notes from Ward Council this morning? I was a little distracted by your fishnet stockings.

Sincerely,

The Ward Clerk

Dear MOE.

I suggest you sing a hymn next time you see my wife at Ward Council.

Sincerely,

Bishop Howard

Edited January 4, 2010 by john doe

[Wingnut]

Dear Friend,

You talk about how your two year old son falls asleep at night anywhere in his room except for his bed. Sometimes you complain, and sometimes you just vent. You've taken numerous pictures of him in various places and positions and posted them on your blog, as part of the ongoing saga. Yesterday, you shared that your son doesn't have a bed. He climbs out of a crib, but since you're moving soon (sometime in the next two months), you don't want to get a new "big boy" bed yet. In the interim, you've taken his crib mattress and placed it on the floor in his room. Has it occurred to you that your son doesn't sleep in his bed because he doesn't have one? Perhaps a little structure and definition might help remedy the situation.

Sincerely,

Not that hard to figure out

[FunkyTown]

Dear Friend,

You know that girl you've been pining for over a year that's dating the 'schmuck who doesn't deserve her'? Get over it. You've given up a relationship with that sweet RM girl with the red hair, a chance at dating that cute nurse with the bright brown eyes and the romanian girl. This would not be a big deal, except that you complain to me that women don't notice you. Please do not moan because the hottest girl isn't interested in you and is dating a jerk. If you only like top 1% on the hotness scale and automatically throw out any relationship with someone else, it's your fault you are alone. You pine for the unattainable.

Feel free to pass this message on to the members of relief society as well.

Thank you.

[MisterT]

Dear loudmouth lady at church.

I'm glad you come to church regularily, but could you please keep your trap shut for more than 4 minutes straight? I know you're happy with whatever it is you're happy today, and I'm pleased that you argued your interpretation of the scriptures with your bored co-workers, and I'm super pleaesd that your husband has had all of these miraculous surgeries that will get him out of the wheelchair you push him around in all the time.

Did you ever stop to think that maybe George wanted to be able to walk again so that he could get away from you when you get into your phase of passing on information that nobody cares about, that aren't even in the slightest related to the topic of coversation, or when you attempt to monopolize a conversation about something you know nothing about? Sheesh, the HPGL and I were talking about some obscure nuclear physics that involved Bremstallungh and Cerenkov radiation, and here you come butting in with some bizarre story about "Poor George" in the hospital, that then twists into your weird testimony of how his legs are getting repaired so he can go to the Temple again.

Did you ever stop to think that maybe he wats out of his chair so that he could walk away from you and your big mouth???

Oh, and my name is RYAN, not BENJAMIN. I know we're both tall and have beards. But he's not even of the same nationality, has a completely different skin color, and he is your HOME TEACHER. Get it right!

[Jamie123]

Dear kid I used to hang out with at school who was always moaning about how his model Beechcraft Bonanza got smashed (accidentally) by 2 "friends" who were horsing around.

I'm sorry all your hard work building the dratted thing went to waste, but it's really not my fault. I didn't smash your precious aircraft. So stop droning on about it like it's down to me.

Well OK...so I might have sat on your balsa wood submarine. Well balsa wood submarines are balsa wood submarines, and Beechcraft Bonanzas are Beechcraft Bonanzas. The fact that I sat on your balsa wood submarine does not make me responsible for what happened to your Beechcraft Bonanza. OK?

And while we're on the subject of who's to blame for what, it was you (and not me, as you later claimed) who tried to mend the brushes on my Scalextric Mini Clubman with a soldering iron when no such tool was required. Those connections are push-in. They do not need solder. All solder does is melt and ruin the plastic runners. OK so I did manage to put it right, but you fixed your balsa-wood submarine didn't you?

But the Beechcraft Bonanza was beyond repair? O-dear-how-sad-never-mind. If you want to moan to about that, go moan to the 2 guys who smashed it. Not me.

Yours sincerely,

The waster of balsa-wood submarines but not Beechcraft Bonanzas.

Edited April 21, 2010 by Jamie123

[Wisc]

Dear Grandma, I know I was not a really great grandson and I am sorry that I hardly ever came to visit you over the years. But thank you for always making me feel as though I had only been gone a moment. For picking up where we had last left off and making me feel loved with your smiles and your food. I did not deserve you.

Love,

Wisc

Edited April 14, 2010 by Wisc

[SeekYourWish]

Dear Guys I Play Soccer With,

I understand that I choose to play goalie and that you get caught up in the game, but do you really feel the need to kick the ball at the goal so hard? Its almost as if you want the ball to die or it to kill me as it smashes against the mat. At times I fear you may damage the ball or even more so as you continually kick it at my head. I know I'm short but you have AMAZING aim. Could you please not aim at my face, so I can avoid another concussion?

Sincerely,

I really don't want any brain problems.

[Gwen]

dear parents,

i know you are in a hurry in the mornings when dropping your child off at school. i would like to remind you that at our elementary school all drop off points are designed to load and unload 2 cars deep. this doesn't work unless you pull all the way forward. this allows things to go much faster and we can all get on to our busy day. i promise it will not hurt, and may in fact be good for, your child to walk the extra half car length to the door. thank you for your understanding and cooperation in this matter.

thank you,

frustrated parent

ps i really don't think i'm asking to much. your 5 yr old has the system figured out by the second week of school.

[Gwen]

my dearest husband,

i know the weather is wonderful right now and i do love to see you out in the yard bonding with the kids every afternoon. we have 5 weeks of school left. during this time i would appreciate it if we did not keep the kids out till dark. the schedule had been go to bed at 8pm, they wake up on their own at 6:30 and we are on time to school. right now it does not get dark till 8. then you bring them in and we have to feed them and shower them and do any homework that did not get done because they were out with you. getting to bed at 9:30 is not helping the wake up at 6:30 the next day necessity.

thank you for understanding,

your loving wife

ps spilling bleach on my good purple shirt does not count as helping with the laundry.