Need Help Forgiving Someone

[MichaelCraig]

Please, everyone. There has been something wrong in my marriage since day one and this June will make 9 yrs. I just found out yesterday that the biggest issue is.. my wife has not totally and completely forgiven a man in a past relationship for terrible things done to her, mentally. No sexual abuse or anything. Please give me any and all of the scripture, good reading materiel references, anything that covers the subject of forgiveness and how extremely important it is. She has not been happy for many years therefore I have not been happy. I realize I cannot do this for her but I can help by providing her all of the Biblical info and where she can read and obsorb it herself in the Bible. I am at a crossroads and refuse to pay for the pains another man has caused her much longer. She is my wife and I am not giving up or abandoning her unless I realize she refuses to let this go and truly forgives him so we can have a real relationship but more importantly, she can not in her current state have a real relationship with our Heavenly Father for it is written, "if we do not forgive others, He will not forgive us". That is my biggest fear for her. Please help. Thank you all in advance brothers and sisters. Any testimonies from anyone who has gone through something like this will also help. Anything and/or all things you can think of to help please pass it on to us.

[Wingnut]

While this talk is directed most specifically at victims of abuse, it also discusses forgiveness, including this powerful statement:

As impossible as it may seem to you now, in time the healing you can receive from the Savior will allow you to truly forgive the abuser and even have feelings of sorrow for him or her. When you can forgive the offense, you will be relieved of the pain and heartache that Satan wants in your life by encouraging you to hate the abuser. As a result, you will enjoy greater peace. While an important part of healing, if the thought of forgiveness causes you yet more pain, set that step aside until you have more experience with the Savior’s healing power in your own life.

LDS.org - Ensign Article - To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse

I would caution you against giving your wife an ultimatum in this issue. You are understandably upset that this person who is not a part of your life is so much affecting your life, but this is your wife's problem, not yours. In the meantime, you might want to look at your ability to forgive her.

[fatboys]

First you need to give her some breathing room. The scriptures are a great source if a person is ready to go down the path of forgiveness. It does not sound like she is ready. If I was in her shoes, I would get my gander up if someone was trying to fix a problem I had. You are male and you want to fix it. That is the way we are. She has to come to terms by herself. You just need to listen and be there for her. I am sure you are, but are impatient. Perhaps in your family prayers include that we all need to forgive tresspassers. Many of which do not know they have even offended us. I have spent to many years holding grudges and being offended. Some have been not only serious, morally, but financial offensives. What a totally waste of time and energy. But one has to want to give up feeling of being offended. Many times we use it as a crutch to rationalize our actions. So be patient my friend.

[Vanhin]

Hey MichaelCraig,

Here are a couple that I thought of from the Bible. They are the words of Christ:

43 ¶ Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. (Matt. 5:43-45)

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12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.

14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. (Matt 6:12-15)

And here are a coupple from the LDS Doctrine and Covenants:

10 I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men. (D&C 64:10)

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1 Verily, verily, I say unto you, my servants, that inasmuch as you have forgiven one another your trespasses, even so I, the Lord, forgive you. (D&C 82:1)

Hope that helps.

Regards,

Vanhin

[Elgama]

This is my favourite from the Family Home Evening Manual

One day my eleven-year-old son went squirrel hunting with six other Indians. He saw a squirrel run up a tree and climbed up to scare it out on a limb. After he had done this he called to the others to hold their fire until he could get down. One of the Indians in the hunting party had always been jealous of me and my position as chief. He and his son both shot deliberately at my boy. He was filled with buckshot from his knees to his head. The Indians carried my boy towards home and found a spot where they lay him while they ran for the doctor.

A friend came and found me and said, “Sam, run home at once; your boy has been shot.” I ran all the way home and found my boy near death. The doctor was there and said my boy would not live. He was right; the boy died in a few minutes.

The man and son who had done the shooting were in my front yard visiting with members of the crowd that had gathered. They did not appear to be upset at their deed. My heart filled with revenge and hatred. Something seemed to whisper to me, “If you don’t take down your gun and kill that man who murdered your son, Sam Blue, you are a coward.”

Now I have been a Mormon ever since I have been a young lad and I knew it would not be right to take revenge. I decided to pray to the Lord about it. I walked to my secret place out in the timber where I always have gone to pray alone when I have a special problem, and there I prayed to the Lord to take revenge out of my heart. I soon felt better and started back to the house. But again I heard something inside whisper, again I turned back and prayed until I felt better. On my way back to the house I again heard the voice say, “Sam Blue, you are a coward.” I turned again and went back to pray and this time I told the Lord he must help me or I would be a killer. I asked him to take revenge out of my heart and keep it out. I felt good when I got up from praying. I went back to the house a third time and when I reached the house I went out and shook hands with the Indian who had killed my boy. There was no hatred or desire for revenge in my heart. (See Marion G. Romney, The Power of God unto Salvation, Brigham Young University Speeches of the Year [Provo, 3 Feb. 1960], pp. 6–7.)

Discuss the story by asking questions such as the following: Was it too much to expect Chief Blue to forgive his son’s killers—especially when they did not repent? How did Chief Blue’s strong desire to overcome feelings of hatred and revenge make it possible for him to forgive? Where did he get the strength to forgive? What happened to Chief Blue that showed he had forgiven those who killed his son?

You may want to contrast this experience with the parable of the unmerciful servant (Matthew 18:23–35).

Read Luke 23:33–34. Remind your family that the Savior set a perfect example of forgiveness.

Ask family members to write on a piece of paper the name of someone they need to forgive. As you encourage them to be forgiving, remind them of Chief Blue. Emphasize the importance of wanting to forgive, believing we have the power to forgive, praying for help, and receiving the blessing of having hatred and revenge taken from our hearts. Have each family member keep his piece of paper to remind him of this commitment.

LDS.org - Family Chapter Detail - Forgiving

[Maya]

In the world today unforgiveness is almost a must in some cases and expected

I am sorry to hear about the problem. Dont haste. She needs to take her time. She is broken and needs to mend. A human mind does not mend that easy, that is why any kind of abuse is a terrible crime. If she could start by praying that God would heal her ... it would not be excactly to help her forget, but when you are healed, it makes forgiving easier.

It is amazing how little people know about mental abuse, even parents do that as they dont understand how to handle that particular sole they have got in their home.

I know how it hurts when she is unforgiving.... and she should forgive.... but in the end I am sure Jesus will heal her and she will be hole... but I am not sure that it will be in this life. Prayers to you.

[Zechariah]

Please, everyone. There has been something wrong in my marriage since day one and this June will make 9 yrs. I just found out yesterday that the biggest issue is.. my wife has not totally and completely forgiven a man in a past relationship for terrible things done to her, mentally. No sexual abuse or anything. Please give me any and all of the scripture, good reading materiel references, anything that covers the subject of forgiveness and how extremely important it is. She has not been happy for many years therefore I have not been happy. I realize I cannot do this for her but I can help by providing her all of the Biblical info and where she can read and obsorb it herself in the Bible. I am at a crossroads and refuse to pay for the pains another man has caused her much longer. She is my wife and I am not giving up or abandoning her unless I realize she refuses to let this go and truly forgives him so we can have a real relationship but more importantly, she can not in her current state have a real relationship with our Heavenly Father for it is written, "if we do not forgive others, He will not forgive us". That is my biggest fear for her. Please help. Thank you all in advance brothers and sisters. Any testimonies from anyone who has gone through something like this will also help. Anything and/or all things you can think of to help please pass it on to us.

Most often forgiveness is far from quick, or easy, especially when it comes to abuse, whether physical or emotional. Forgiveness is also, often, less of a deliberate and conscious choice than it is something that we reach at the end of a process. Of course, there are sometimes those exceptional individuals who are able to forgive even the most wretched things easily, but, for most of us, it takes time, patience, and much help from the Lord.

Some friends of ours once had a little grandson who was molested by a family acquaintance. Their grief, and the anger they felt toward this man, was beyond what they could reconcile, with their feelings toward him being so intense at times that they feared they might never be able to forgive him, and they knew forgiveness was required of God. They wanted to be obedient, but because of the extent of their feelings, at times being filled with such bitterness and hatred toward him, neither of them felt they should continue to attend the temple, feeling they were unworthy to enter the house of the Lord.

They went to confide these things to their Church leaders, but, fortunately, their leaders were able to recognize something they were too consumed with grief and anger to realize. They were told that they were, indeed, worthy to attend the temple, and were counseled to do so often, being told that it was through temple worship, that they would one day be able to forgive the man for what he had done, which, in time, they were able to do.

A close family member, who was once the victim of an attempted rape by her brother-in-law, spent many years in much turmoil because of what he'd tried to do to her. What made this even worse for her, was that he had not only hurt her, but had betrayed his own brother, her husband, in the process. On top of this, her brother-in-law treated her disrespectfully for many years, because she'd told her husband what he'd done (though he lied, denying it, when her husband confronted him).

All in all, she knew she was to forgive him, for all he'd done and caused, and she desired to be obedient in this, and sought the help of the Lord in this, for years, but even with the passage of many years (more than 25) when she was forced to think on it, she continued to feel it hanging over her, even though her brother-in-law had finally mellowed enough to stop speaking rudely to her. But, when her brother-in-law unexpectedly died, she discovered she felt no animus in her heart toward him at all, and that's when she realized she had forgiven him, though she was unaware of it until his passing. It was also she, who made sure the temple work was done for her brother-in-law.

Some things take time. Some even a lifetime, and beyond. So, my advise is to just love your wife. Comfort her when she needs comfort. Be longsuffering. Eternally patient, if you will. I would suggest only the gentlest approach, as it is still she who must work through this. Don't dwell on what about this whole thing is making you unhappy and unfulfilled in marriage. Don't push. Don't prod. Don't expect, or insist, that she do something she may very well not yet be mentally, emotionally, or spiritually able to take on to your satisfaction at this point. Just be her rock, and her refuge. Just love her.

[StrawberryFields]

My heart goes out to both you and your wife. Forgiveness can be very difficult especially if we feel that some accountability or apology should be given and it doesn't happen.

As one of my goals this year I feel I need to forgive someone who seriously wronged our family years ago. The story is very complex and personal but I have come to the conclusion that this man has had many opportunities to make things right but after 5 years has not done so. I don't need to carry his lack any longer by holding onto something that he needs to be responsible for. Don't get me wrong, this is difficult but to not forgive holds myself as a prisoner. I am not sure how I will finally let it go, but because I have held onto it for so long it will be something symbolic. Most likely it won't even involve this man because it will be something that will occur within me. Here is a quote I like.

"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free".

[MichaelCraig]

Thank you so much everyone. You have giving me a new outlook on this and now I realize the best thing to do is pray and wait and support her in every way I can. Showing much love and not leaving her side. She has said this is her issue and only she can work it out. It will take time and that she is trying very hard because she knows how much it hurts our relationship, her happiness and more importantly her relationship with Heavenly Father. I also realize that this issue may not be worked out totaly in this life time and true love like I feel Heavenly Father wishes us to have between husband and wife can sometimes mean giving up our selfish ideas or dreams of a perfect relationship here and by doing so He grants us many treasures and we learn lessons that can't be learned if this had not happened. I will continue my prayer for her and for myself and if/when she asks me to help, I will do all in my power. If she never does I will love her and stand by her. I just fear that as it is written, if she does not forgive the man in her past Heavenly Father may not forgive her when it is her time to go before Him. I pray that He has mercy on her soul and helps her to overcome this soon, not for me but for her. Thank you again brothers and sisters.

[Zechariah]

Thank you so much everyone. You have giving me a new outlook on this and now I realize the best thing to do is pray and wait and support her in every way I can. Showing much love and not leaving her side. She has said this is her issue and only she can work it out. It will take time and that she is trying very hard because she knows how much it hurts our relationship, her happiness and more importantly her relationship with Heavenly Father. I also realize that this issue may not be worked out totaly in this life time and true love like I feel Heavenly Father wishes us to have between husband and wife can sometimes mean giving up our selfish ideas or dreams of a perfect relationship here and by doing so He grants us many treasures and we learn lessons that can't be learned if this had not happened. I will continue my prayer for her and for myself and if/when she asks me to help, I will do all in my power. If she never does I will love her and stand by her. I just fear that as it is written, if she does not forgive the man in her past Heavenly Father may not forgive her when it is her time to go before Him. I pray that He has mercy on her soul and helps her to overcome this soon, not for me but for her. Thank you again brothers and sisters.

Good man.