Infidelity

[noche10]

i am i beeing selfish or imature ????

ok - my H is very close to his sister and i am very close to my brother --

however my brother is disable at the moment and can not work and suppor his boys he is fighting cancer and we have helped him a lot finakcially - and i will always be greatful to my H for this ..

his sister is married she is a house wife with 4 kids and one on the way -- he husband is sort of a jerk and this makes my H very upset - her H - has a flirting problem and she is always crying about it to my h who get s really mad about it ------ i have told him this bugs me beacause what he did to me was 1000 time worse ------ he has agreed but still gets mad and thinks his brother in law is a jerk

- anyways -- my H and i were at his sisters house las week and he went up stair to help the lil girl hang something in her room ... that night he was ll upset that she sleeps in a footon and not a real bed .. he became upsest with getting her a bed - when he told me i was not very happy because -- they his sister and her husband just spend like 3000 on living room funitutre and flat screen tv -- so i told him that it was not his responsability to provide for her kids when her H is totally capable to do so but chooses bot to------ my H got all mad and said that i never want to help his family and that i put my family above his .......... and we got in to a huge fight -------

its not that i dont want to help but i dont feel they need the help i feel they are usuing their money on other things ...

my brother on the other hand is living on a small dissabilyty check and trying to make ends meat .........

so my question is ----- is there something worng with me for being jelouse of his relationship with his sister ...... u see he has aske for a divorvce from me in the past and even tho up till yesturday things were going really well ,,, i still feel like to him i am disposable but his sister will always be his sister ---

i know the type of love is different but i cant healp but feel that he , care and admires and thinks the world of her and not me ........

what should i do ??

[its_Chet]

Hi Noche

Sorry to hear you're still having all these ups and downs. In a way, I can see your husband's frustration in dealing with your insecurities. That has to be hard for him to handle. But he still has to understand that he caused this. His mistakes made you this insecure. Maybe with some counseling you both could move past this, and maybe without it your marriage is doomed to inevitably fail, but there's just no getting around the fact that he opened Pandora's box and now he has to accept what has come out. He of all people shouldn't expect perfection from you.

I also find it a little hard to sympathize with his frustrations with his brother in law. Yes, the guy sounds like a jerk, not appreciating his wife and flirting with other women. That's not acceptable behavior for a son of God. It's just plain evil. But, like you said, what your husband did was even worse. It's ironic that he now throws stones from the balcony of his own glass house. It's almost laughable if he is as sanctimonious about it as you make it sound. Upset over a futon? For real? I'll let my kids sleep on a futon if that's what it takes for them to get to sleep at night, if it doesn't cause them any real problems, or if for any reason it seems necessary. A futon is a perfectly acceptable place to sleep in my opinion. But then, I sleep on the floor (carpeted), next to my king size bed. Frankly, I'm grateful to have a place to sleep at all. Some folks aren't so lucky. Could it be that your husband just needs an excuse to hate his brother in law more? Given the brother in law's behavior, I'd say your husband doesn't need any other reasons. Sounds like he's obsessed. Sounds like he could afford to (odd as this may sound) be a little more patient with his brother in law.

I don't know what to tell you about the "His relatives" and "her relatives". I've always been in a bit of a pickle there myself. My soon to be ex-wife hates my mother with a passion. I can trace it back to the time my wife took the wedding ring I gave her to a jeweler to get it exchanged for another ring. Both my parents had a meltdown over it, but my mother told my wife exactly how she felt about it. My wife, rather than accepting her guilt, has hated my mother ever since. On the other hand, my mother has bent over backwards over and over for her, and has put up with a lot of offensive behavior from my wife. There's just nothing anyone could do or say to change my wife's mind. She could not be persuaded ever to treat my mother like a human being.

On the other hand, I'd normally felt ostracized by my wife's relatives, or at least most of them. Part of it is because I'm a reclusive person with very little in common with them. But I always felt that it had a lot to do with me being a convert from the Ozarks and them being all third generation or longer members of the Church living in one of the "strongholds". And while I'm on that subject, let me just say that I lived in Salt Lake City for two years and while I was there, I never encountered a member of the Church I disliked or found to be prideful. I have lived in another "stronghold", the one where my wife came from and is now living, having taken my children with her, and I have observed in that place all of the bad attitudes I have often heard ascribed to "Utah Mormons". I'd rather not call out this place, this dry zone, because I'm sure there are good people living there and I don't want to lump them in with the rest. But I digress.

Maybe I'm just being an idealist, or naive, but I truly believe that if BOTH the husband and the wife can put each other first, above all other mortals, including the children, the relatives won't be a problem. If they both love each other more than their parents, I would imagine nothing else would matter. I can only speculate though. My marriage is failing, and my wife's inability to cut the umbilical cord was only one of the many problems that doomed us.

Noche, if I were you, I'd want my spouse to promise me that we could put each other first, above all other relatives (yes, even your brother, sorry), and that if anyone needed our help they'd have to accept limited attention at least until we got our own problems handled. You may find that you cannot help others until you have both helped yourselves, and each other. I would encourage your brother to pass the baton he's carrying for his sister to another relative, and for you to do the same regarding your brother, at least until you can make it through a day without feeling insecure and your husband can treat you in a way that makes that possible. You two really do have some very serious and damaging issues you need to address. Underestimating their impact on your marriage would be detrimental. I underestimated the challenges I faced in my marriage, always trying to be patient, waiting for things I felt I couldn't control to get better. What ended up happening is that I gave my wife and her relatives all the excuse they needed to take things as far as they have. And my marriage is virtually over. It will be officially over as soon as my wife gets the final papers, whenever that happens. I won't sign them, but it won't stop anything.

At any rate, God bless you Noche. Hang in there, you daughter of God, you.

[noche10]

thanks

Chet _ sorry to hear about the divorce being so final !! --------

well the thing is that he tells me that i am his prioroty and that his sister is his sister and in no way is she going to replace me .. and that i dhould not be joulouyse because he doesnot think more or her ....... but i just dont belive it .. i mean yeah i did not think the futon thing was a big deal !!!

like last night for instance we talked a lil and he said that i need to b patient and undersdant that he is bz - at work and that he dosent want me to bugg him or stess him out ........ so i say fine ill try but u need to make time for me -- not just b with me when there is notheing else to do---- and i am trying really hard not to tx him or call him, but i feel that he should make more of an effort -- i mean he is no longer being mean to me or cold or rude - or thinking of divorce

he has told me that he is 100% committed and will work hard to fix our marrige - we pray together everynigh and read the book of mormon together everynight - something we had stopped doing a long time ago-- so i do feel his love and committment- but i am i just being too insecre b/c i dont get that attention during the 7-5 work hrs ???

we will be going to couseling thats for sure ,,,,,, but i think the bishop whats him to go the porn addiction recovery program first - this is all a long waiting process and for me with the attention span of a 3 yr old and with no patience its really hard !!!!!!!!!!

i guess i want to see that my H is jumping thru hoop to make things right --- but he is not ---

what he does a lot of sometimes is that out of nowhere he will hug me kiss me or look at me with soo much love and thank me for loveing him .........

maybe i need to see the things he is doing and accept them ins tead of wanteing him to make it up to me in the way i wish -- after all i rather get a real emotion then a reshersed one ----- right ---- ????

thanks che its always helps to talk

[its_Chet]

Sounds like you know what you need to do Noche. But it does help to vent anyway, doesn't it? I have to say I'm impressed that he will hug or kiss you out of the blue like that. Guys tend to think in neat little chunks, moving from thought to thought only when one is completed. At least all the guys I know are like that. Keeping everything balanced can be difficult. For him to take the time to be sweet like that for you, I think really shows effort on his part. Clearly, you have recognized that you want to encourage that. Good for you both!

I too was once addicted to certain magazines and videos, but I gave it all up in one day for a woman I was in love with; it was a deal I made with God. I didn't get the girl, but I did get freedom from the addiction. And now I know why it's called an addiction, and what kind of damage it can do. It's not a harmless taboo. It is destructive poison. It takes over and consumes a person. It dominates and controls. It alienates the Holy Spirit, and turning away from it invites the Holy Spirit.

Maybe this is naive of me, but I like to think that in a healthy marriage, a man would have no need for that kind of external stimulation, that his needs would be fulfilled without him feeling any need for that poison. I perceive that this kind of healthy marriage is something you are both reaching for. Maybe it will just take time. Maybe all you need is patience. You have hope, I can see that! Hope is very underestimated in this world. It's a powerful thing, and I commend you for it! You're both doing a lot that is right. I think if you both just keep it up, you'll get there.

Here's an idea, and please consider it nothing more than just that, an idea:

What if you and your husband work out an agreement on how often or when you can call or text him at work? He could let you know if there are particular times of the day when he has more time available to respond than others, or when he is typically too busy to be able to respond. Maybe you could work out some kind of rationing plan on how many times a day you can contact him when he's at work. It seems to me like a lot of things that require human endurance are best dealt with by establishing inflexible quotas and limitations. For example, when exercizing, I find that it helps me to think of my goal as not being an option, but that I have to do so many push ups, or ride so many miles on my bicycle or for a given distance in a given gear. Having the goal lets me bend to meet a requirement instead of giving in to the temptation to bend the requirement to suit my comfort level. Know what I mean? It might be easier to contact him at work fewer times in a day if you rationed them, I think. What do you think? What would your husband think?

Again, maybe this is naive of me, but I was wondering if maybe that might be a helpful approach to you getting through your days without stressing out your husband as much. Mind you, I'm not suggesting you don't have a right to feel the way you do, and I think you know that. I'm just saying that he needs your support to be the man you want him to be (especially in his weakened state), and unfortunately, the demands you place on his attention when he is at work may be more than he can deal with right now. You both have to constantly strive to meet each other half way.

You're doing great so far. If you both just keep getting better, at a pace that isn't more than you can handle, this can all be an unpleasant memory, buried underneath years of genuine happiness. Consider this -- there's a guy on my stake's high council who at one time was having an affair and intended to leave his wife. But he came to his senses and repented. He and his wife are very happy now, and they have a lovely home and great children. What you and your husband are going through does not have to be an ending. It can even be a challenge that, in the end, draws you both closer together, as perverse as that might sound right now. I get the impression that if you keep building your man up, he will reciprocate your love and devotion. Sounds like he already is. And you both seem to understand each other better now than ever before, it would seem. That's where it all starts, I think -- understanding.

Well, enough for now. Again, God bless you Noche! Hang in there! You're on the right track, and if you both keep it up, you'll both be happier than ever before.

[noche10]

thank u Chet ------- i sooo needed to hear that today !!!!!!!

when i think back i feel that we have come a long way , but just when i think im starting to move pass and forget it -- something happens and i get hurt all over again.

for instance - when he was unfaithful -- he went and got tested for stds he says they came back neggative - but when i went to my dr this morning i sked to get checkedd and my dr said he saw somethig and it could be not thing alt all or and std ( sorry i know this is too much info )

------- so obously i lost it and call my H and told him how i felt he was very sorry he said i dont deserve all this ..... sooooooo here we go again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but to be honest i dont feel to worry maybe im just out of it today -------- i am very angry and hurt all over again -but i cant really do much till i know for sure -------

out off al the man i could have married i chose this one thinking -- he would never hurt me like a man from the world - because he was a RM and a member - the only member i ever dated -------

sometimes i cant help but think that some of the non members would of been better ..........

[annamaureen]

Maybe this is naive of me, but I like to think that in a healthy marriage, a man would have no need for that kind of external stimulation, that his needs would be fulfilled without him feeling any need for that poison.

I, for one, agree with you. However, many people of the world say that pornography is "normal" and "every guy does it." A lot of men are, sadly, deceived by that idea and use it as their excuse.

[noche10]

I, for one, agree with you. However, many people of the world say that pornography is "normal" and "every guy does it." A lot of men are, sadly, deceived by that idea and use it as their excuse.

well i greee also !!

man today i feel angry and cared and hurt all over again ...... and my H feels like crap he is angry at himself for doing this to us and for hurting me .. he feels like scum ----- which at one point i feel he should feel that way and that it serves him right for what he did .......

but i dont want to put him down i dont want to make him feel like he is the worst thing in the world all thoug i sometimes feel that way .......... i just know that he is not the man his porn addiction turn him in to ----- i have seen his good side the side that loves me with all his heart the side that serve the lord and other with faith.....thats the man i fell in love with i i know he is still there ....... but somedays are hard and my own pain gets the worse of me ............. i wish i could be supportive all the time ..

[crazypotato]

Hi Noche10,

I have some advice for you that I know will help. We women want to feel and get love and attention and time from our husbands, and your husband hurt you so badly that the way you are acting is understandable, but it is very clingy.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage right now, is to stop trying to get what you need from your husband. He messed up really, really badly, but even if he was just "normal" and hadn't cheated with the prostitutes, he could/would never fully satisfy you. This is something that I have learned the hard way. The Lord is the only person that can fulfill all of your emotional, spiritual needs. No matter who you are married to, the Lord is the only person that can fulfill all of your emotional needs.

Everyday, when you want to text or cling to your husband, fall to your knees instead in prayer to the Lord. Tell him that your husband is not fulfilling any of your marital needs and you are feeling really empty and unloved right now, and you know that he wants you to stay, so can he please fill you. The Lord is the living water that when you drink , you never feel thirsty afterwards. Right now, your husband is not capable of repairing the damage he has done to you.

With his sister, the in law stuff, all of that is annoying but try and let it go, for your own sake and for your marriage's sake. There is a wonderful book about the Savior and his Atonement, and how to apply it in your life using the Book of Mormon. It is called, "He Did Deliver Me from Bondage." It would be great for you and your husband. There are reading assignments and personal journaling assignments that can really help you draw closer to the Lord while you are hurting so much and really feel his healing peace and love.

Hugs!

[noche10]

thank you crazy potato --

i will put ur advice in practice and see how it works

thanks

[Guest mojo_jimmmy]

I am in a similiar situation. I have not been perfect and am diagnosed as co-dependant. I have also learned more about myself and relationships this past year than ever before. It hurts to think I may have been able to save my marriage before infidelity occurred, but that is not my situation and thinking only saddens me. It has been 3 months since she opened up to me about the affairs.

Where I stand:

I don't really know. I cycle up and down quite a bit. My greatest desire is for our marriage to grow and become greater than it was before the infidelity. It sucks that I have to walk around with a pit in my stomach and be constantly reminded of her infidelity when I am not the one who cheated. I now realize some of what the Savior suffered in gethsemene.

I see what crazy potato is saying about not going to the person for assistance when you are down. In my wife's case, she feels reminded of her sins and becomes angry with me. It has never helped. I did it just today and this same thing happened when I noticed phone calls to the last guy she slept with as recently as Jan 24, 2010. She claims she hasn't spoken to him, but phone records don't lie. I don't know what to think. She is angry and hurt, while I wish she could be calm and be willing to reassure me which is what I need and feel I deserve.

I want to save my marriage and in doing so, I try to remember her as the person she was before Facebook and World of Warcraft. I do feel happier now than I have before in my marriage, but this is married with the deepest pain I have ever felt in my life. It doesn't feel fair and I feel re-hurt every time I see her on Facebook, which she refuses to close.

I drove into work this morning and cried the entire way. If I told my wife this she would blow up and think only of herself rather than want to comfort and re-assure me. (see what I said 2 paragraphs earlier) I am better now, but only because I'm reading about other's plights. Sadly, it is comforting to know others are in the same boat....

What works for me:

- writing a love letter to her, even if she rejects it, the act reminds me of why I am willing to suffer so much pain

- thinking of the atonement - clearly Christ felt much greater pain and loves my wife as much or more than i do

- spend at least 15 hours a week with her in one-on-one time with few distractions to help open dialogue and intimacy

- thinking of my children and spending time with them

- really reading the scriptures like I read a normal book - taking time to ponder and pray

- keeping a journal and focusing more on the happy and good things in life/family

- taking time to snuggle with my wife on a daily basis and feed her need for physical intimacy that doesn't lead to sex

- taking inventory of my spiritual standing with God and working to constantly improve myself

- physical exercise and adequate sleep on a daily basis

- not involving family, friends or close acquaintances (I'm only writing here becase I can remain anonymous)

My greatest desire is to look back at this in 2 years and know that I have built a relationship with my wife that is future affair proof. One where I am in love with my wife and she is in love with me.

[noche10]

jimmy -- i am soo sorry you are going thru this aswell ---- it sucks !! -- but stay strong -- it does get better .. it has been 3 month for me and i hurt every day but lil by lil i see the atonment and the love of christ change my H back to the man he was before and now i can feel his love and his true sorrow for what he did .......... dont give up on ur wife , she gets angry - but she needs to realize that ur feelings are normal and u have all the right to express them - when i first came to this web sire i was told -- not to feel bad and keep my feelings to my slef that my H need to see the pain he caused me . that all this is part of the consecuasess of his actions ----- i dont knw if u read my prior bloggs but in one i mention how he did not want me to bring it up and to cecause he didnt want to rememer -- like ur wife he would get angry - but as time passes and he has starred his rempenting prosses , the spirt of the lord softens his heart and just last night he told me that he was wrong for telling me not to tell him that i was the victem and that he need to help me deal with the painhe has coused ........

has ur wife been to the bishop ? and started her rempting process if so great just be patient and --- if not well pray and be even more patient and encourge her ...

stay strong

best of luck -

[Guest mirancs8]

I want to save my marriage and in doing so, I try to remember her as the person she was before Facebook and World of Warcraft. I do feel happier now than I have before in my marriage, but this is married with the deepest pain I have ever felt in my life. It doesn't feel fair and I feel re-hurt every time I see her on Facebook, which she refuses to close.

I have to wonder why does she have to be on facebook? To me it would seem simple that if my husband requested that I no longer or even strickly limit by facebook time I would immediately comply. If that certain thing is causing my spouse to be uncomfortable why not? Why wouldn't she just do it out of love for you? Furthermore considering all that happened I would hope she would see it as a way to build your marriage stronger and build the trust between you and her.

I honestly feel for you. I had my own issues with my marriage and facebook and it can at times cause more problem especially if there are existing issues in the relationship that have not been addressed.

I'd say she needs to get off that facebook as you have requested she do. You have EVERY RIGHT to say that to her. You certainly have reasons enough to expect her to have to earn your trust back. By her respecting your wishes regarding the FB she would slowly start earning that trust back. She is leaving a gap of possibility... a possibility it can and will happen again.

I wish you much luck. I know it's tough. Hang in there!

[crazypotato]

MojoJimmy,

I agree with mirancs8. My husband used to be addicted to Everquest. I pleaded, nagged, scolded, ignored, etc. to get him to stop, but he would never listen. He was getting admiration from Everquest and a feeling of belonging and acceptance that he wasn't getting from me.

In hindsight, what I should have done, is told him that if he wants to do his computer instead of his marriage, I will accept that, but my marriage won't be like that. Then I seriously believe I should have left him. Not divorced, but left him.

Do you have kids? If not, I would pray about doing an intervention type of ultimatum. Don't be a doormat to FB and WofW. If she is addicted to those things, staying around and trying to be patient and loving may be the same as someone staying around, try to be patient and loving to an alcoholic that sees no problem with drinking and has no intention of stopping.

Hugs

[crazypotato]

MojoJimmy,

Oh, I see you have kids. Does your wife work? If not, I would cut off your internet service provider. Tell your wife that it is her choice to do those crappy FB and WofW (this is like an alcoholic), but put your foot down that it will not be in your house. And if she needs to leave the house to get on the internet, you can hire a nanny to watch the kids while she FBs and WofWs.

Why would you pay for an alcoholic to have alcohol in the house? You can't stop one from drinking, but you wouldn't leave your kids with them and you wouldn't leave alcohol around them. I may sound extreme, but I went through years of being ignored while my husband was on the computer. What a waste of time! I think you are being too nice to your wife right now. If you really love her and want the marriage to work, you need to show it by setting some boundaries for yourself right now. Boundaries help wake people up and also help people to respect you more.

[noche10]

i think u really need to pray about how to deal with ur wife -- we all response differntly and what works for some wont for others ---- talk to her and try to make he understand that u are hurt by her actions -- and she needs to be responsable for that

[Tarnished]

Jimmy,

As you already know from the previous question you asked me, I was once in your wife's shoes. Reading your post though I can tell that I am a different person in regards to repentance than your wife is.

When I told my husband I knew he would need someone to talk to about it. It was obvious that he was hurt by what I had done, why wouldn't he? So I approached a friend of ours who I knew had gone through a similar situation, his wife had cheated on him and had eventually left him for one of the men she hooked up with while they were married. I told this man what I had done (which was extremely painful and difficult for me) and asked him if he would be willing to talk with my husband about what had happened, and if they could hang out on a regular basis so that my husband could have someone to just vent to. This helped out my husband quite a lot.

As the sinner it is a difficult road to travel. On the one hand you hurt for what you have done, you ache to be forgiven and obtain repentance, you don't want to be reminded of what you did wrong. On the other hand there is your spouse, wanting, no, needing to talk to someone about it, to tell someone of the deep pain they are feeling, and you know that you are not the one they should be talking to. This is why counseling is such a good thing, it gives both of you someone to talk to about it all.

However, from your comments I am beginning to understand that your wife may not really "get" what this repentance will require. The Bishop should have told her to give up the sites that got her into the affairs. She should understand that this is a difficult road ahead of her. She is going to need to give things up before things are going to get better. She also needs to understand that this is not all about her. She murdered your marriage when she did this, she caused you an enormous amount of pain. She destroyed your ability to trust in her because of her actions. Because of this she will need to rebuild it, one difficult brick at a time. To do this she is going to have to make things right with you, she is going to have to do things that will rebuild that trust. She needs to let go of her addictions (facebook, WoW). Otherwise she will have a very long and not very productive repentance process, and she has a greater chance of slipping and messing up again.

I would suggest that you request a meeting with the Bishop, talk to him about your feelings. Ask what was done in regards to her repentance process if you don't know. Ask his advice on what you should do to regarding Facebook.

I don't know if any of this helps at all, but coming from your wife's side of things these are my thoughts on the matter.

[Guest mirancs8]

I have to agree to set up time to meet with the Bishop and discuss this all.

Another thing you can do is password protect the computer so when she wants to go on you log her in and monitor her time on there (sites, time spent etc.). That way it will be extra security for you so you know when she is on the computer. It will give her accountability as well as it will be humbling for her by asking you to log her in. Constant reminder to her of what she had done and the consequences of her actions.

I would think being that she wants the marriage to work that she would do everything in her power for you to forgive her. Who cares about the stupid FB. Her marriage, HER HUSBAND, should be the priority here.

We all have to have limits in our lives and at times our spouse may have to enforce them.

[Guest mojo_jimmmy]

MojoJimmy,

Oh, I see you have kids. Does your wife work? If not, I would cut off your internet service provider.

I have 5 kids: 5, 9, 10,13 & 14. All boys but the 10 year old, who is the sweetest daughter a father could ask for.

My wife does not work, but is now going back to school since our youngest is now in kindergarten.

I did try removing the internet, it is not a good story. Actually, I was coaching football at the time and my 14 yr old son called to tell me she was on the internet calling someone honey and sweety. I drove home immediately and ripped the internet cable out of the wall. She threw a glass of shake mix at me and began screaming at me. And the story goes downhill from there.....

In the end, she cheated on me, in real life, the next day for the first time. I remember when she came home smelling like sex... My heart was completely broken and I felt entirely defeated. I called a lawyer an hour later and couldn't follow through after the informational.

At this point I'd been in personal therapy for 4 months, dragging her to couple therapy for the same amount of time and had been repenting with my Bishop for 8 months. I still find it more than ironic that as I began to become righteous my wife was falling into severe transgression. Satan knew best how to destroy my family.

The story of my wife and I has been woven over 17 years. For most of my marriage I felt controlled by her and I worked too much to escape being around her. In some regards, I do see how she needed WoW and Facebook. I gave more to my children than her for most of that time and even at times would tell her I was leaving as soon as my youngest graduated from High School. I did not give her much hope.

This is why I am willing to be patient. I have never cheated or spoken to a woman in an innappropriate manner, but I had a pornography addiction that I never really wanted to rid myself of until Jan 2009. I grew up on the East Coast and always took a too casual view which allowed it to re-surface several times in my marriage. I now know I am finally over it and had an experience much like Alma the Younger, when I truly repented - that night was was one of the most painful emotional moments of my life. I look at what has happened as part of my repentance process, but I in no way excuse my wife of her actions nor will I ever allow a role-playing game in my home again. My buddy is the Stake President in my stake and we've had more than a few chats about my situation.

I have hope and my wife is now working with one of the best addiction therapists in our state. She is now dis-fellowshipped, but has yet to begin the repentance process with our new Bishop as we recently moved. I know this is a process and I just keep praying that my pain may end and that she will truly repent. In the end, it is what we both deserve and need.

[Guest mojo_jimmmy]

I should have stated after I removed the internet, both my personal therapist and the Bishop told me to keep it turned off. However, our family therapist asked me to turn it back on. He stated that I should allow her to sin if that was her desire.

I still think he's wrong, but I turned it back on.

However, he had me begin writing her love letters at the same time. I think that, combined with reading the last 4 chapters of the Miracle of Forgiveness, are the only reasons I am willing to work through this with her.

Writing her love letters, even 2 sentence ones, reminded me of why I chose her as my eternal companion and also fulfilled her need to know I loved her. I consider writing those love letters as what began to turn our marriage around. We still have a very long way to progress, but I do try to maintain hope.

I just wish I could rid myself of the pain and stop cycling on all the painful stuff she heaped upon me this past 18 months. I do feel it much less than in December or January, but at times it is very painful and keeps me from being the man I need to be for my children, wife and workplace.

[Guest mojo_jimmmy]

thats all I can say to you jimmmy.... this is his wife. and I cant believe I am reading this faults statements. I am in tears. I am sadden my husband as taken this further then it shoudl have been. It didnt happen the way he says it did. Should I tell them you broke my hand or not? or threw me into the wall? or called all my friend, family, church members the night before it happened and told them you where leaving me... and called the lawyer..and wrote me horrible texts all morning how horrible i was and what a bad mom I was, a horrible person I was, that I sucked as a wife, everything. Do these people need to hear all that. I was so in distraught that I fell. I remember that day crying my eyes out.....a hand cracked, my body aching, and I allowed myself to get used. and I regret it. There really is no excuse for what I did I know that. I did it. Regardless of jimmmy's abuse for 15 years, porn problems, his own "friendships" with women at work, his emotional abuse telling me that he wished he never married me etc.. I STILL should not have done what I did. It is my sin to own. I have been trying so hard. I have given up everything for him. I do have facebook still ( and jimmmy does to, hmmm) but took off people I didnt think where appropriate to have on there. I took the appropriate steps according to my bishops recommendation, and the personal and family counselor. And I ahve never looked back. It was an easy step for me. I talked it over with the counselor and agreed that as long as I use facebook appropriately and limite my time on there to my fishville (lol) and mafia wars, I would be fine. I am not a addicted sex addict. I am a person that made a mistake. it is satans plan to totally control my every action by monitoring me. Satan wanted to take away freedom to make choices. He did not give an option for repentance. I believe in the atonement. I believe in free agency. I believe it is ultimately me that has to choice the right, not jimmmy to force me to do so like everyone is suggesting. I am a god fearing women. I KNOW I cant go back to him in good graces without repentance without the atonement. I told my husband because I wanted to be a repented person. I made that choice. I made the choice to go to the bishop about it and take my consequences. To be honest I thought they where going to x me, but they did not because of the horrible emotional and physical abuse I had suffered over the years. I am greatful I have been give a second chance. I am greatful the lord saw me fit to stay in this wonderful church.

When I sat in front of the counsel to find out what would happen to me I couldnt look up. I was so ashamed for my actions. I realized what it was going to be like when the lord comes again in the last days and people are hiding because they cannot face the lord because of shame. I DONT want to be that person. I want to greet the lord with open arms saying I endured to the end I am with thee.

I am doing my part...it is hard to find solice in repenting when your husband blasts you on boards like this when I thought things where getting really good. It really hurts because he is not the only one who has suffered. I am suffering extremely for my actions. My heart hurts. I am also trying to get over my self esteem issues from all the years of abuse too. My soul yearns for the temple. I am truly trying to repent. He makes it hard. I get reminded daily that Im a cheater. I am sad..

Jimmmy I do love you. I hope one day you can see past your heart and make that choice to forgive me. I did it. Nothing I can do can ever take it back. I hope you find it in your heart...

-your wife....

Edited March 5, 2010 by mojo_jimmmy

[Faded]

Jimmy's wife: I recommend you create your own account. Not only can it get awfully confusing, if you've got the same account you can delete or edit each others' comments -- which would just be messy.

[crazypotato]

This is why we all need the Lord to fix us because we are all broken, and going on message boards to vent or get advice should be done carefully. God knows our hearts, unlike all of us cyberspace strangers.

I could classify some of the things my husband and I have done to each other as abusive. It was both of us probably because of immaturity, making wrong choices, our childhood backgrounds, etc.

Still, people really can change with the Lord's help and turn around really ugly situations if the Lord allows it.

Hugs to you both.

[Guest mojo_jimmmy]

I agree. thats why you dont post things like this on places like these...and yes I should not have posted all our dirty laundry..but you know what it hurts that my laundry was passes around... I am repenting..I dont need this. I am sad...feels like a slap on my face.

Edited March 5, 2010 by mojo_jimmmy

[crazypotato]

Mojo Jimmy and Wife,

Jesus Christ loves you. At some point in everyone's life, even at this horrible point in your lives, where both of you are sinners and have different pains and hurt, I hope you realize that personally I don't think that either of you are horrible people. So many people are into sexual sin of some sort in this generation, good people. Anyone is capable of getting caught up in it.

I believe that when you are down right now, Satan is really going to kick you while you are down, will try anything he can to completely destroy your family and any love you have ever had for each other. It is so easy for him to do right now.

Try to remember that so many people have been caught in the same traps as you, and that Jesus loves you and feels compassion for you both right now. Try and remember the wonderful plan of happiness. Try to have hope in a better future. Right now is a dangerous time for anyone here who is having marital problems and repenting to get so discouraged and depressed. Hang on the God. He is always there even if you don't feel it!

Hugs.

[Mojo_kar]

I agree.....I have been praying a lot. I have been praying for strength. And you know what..I have ZERO temptation at all. ZERO. It was like I completely snapped..but I am back to me again. It almost like I look at those few short months it happened and cant even believe it was even me and that it actually happened. I will be praying more for my husband that his suffering eases. Me, well I feel I have done very well, I am feeling the spirit already more each day.. We have done so much better since I told him. and I hope we move forward towards the lord

this is mojo_jimmmy wife

Edited March 5, 2010 by Mojo_kar