Infidelity


noche10
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I have recently learned that all spouses should be going to the Lord first for all of their needs. I have tried for years to get all my needs from my husband and was always so lonely, disappointed, sad, or angry because he was so lacking, but then realized that he and everyone will always fall short.

I really have learned to turn to the Lord but it was a hard lesson. Maybe I needed to be married to a distant man full of his own demons because if my marriage had been easy, I never would have been pushed to the Lord. I was used to getting all my emotional needs met by friends before marriage, and then I get married to a man with all this baggage that I could never turn to when I was lonely, sad, depressed. I think women tend to want their husbands to complete them, and men look outside the marriage for completion, but we should all look to God.

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OK GUYS SORRY BUT TODAY I AM TAKING MY TREAD BACK ! ---------

I THINK MY h INFIDELITY MIGHT OF GIVEN ME AN STD -- !!!!! I AM SCARED AND HEART BROKEN ALL OVER AGAIN .. THE PAIN OF WHAT HE DID IS TOO MUCH ---- HE HAS BEEN VERY LOVEING AND KIND AND PATIENT AND HE IS VERY SORRY FOR WHAT HE DID . BUT I FEEL THAT THE MORE PAIN IM IN EVERYDAY THE MORE I LOSE LOVE FOR HIM ...... THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER FEALT LIKE THIS AND IT ALSO SCARES ME - LAST NIGH I WENT TO BED - NO KISS NO FAMILY PRAYER OR READING TOGETHER I WAS ANGRY AND IDNT WANT TO DOANYTHING W HIM -- THIS MORNING I FOUND A NOTE ON MY PURSE THAT READ " B STRONG I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH DONT GIVE UP PLEASE I NEED YOU " ...........

HOW MUCH STRONGER CAN I BE !!!!!!!!!!! I AM TIERD , I FEEL LIKE I KEEP GETTING HURT OVER AND OVER ---------

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Noche,

I totally feel your anger towards your spouse. I hope you don't have an STD! Didn't you say that you felt you should stay in the marriage? That doesn't mean that you have to be strong and pull your husband through this. Right now, every minute even, is the time to be constantly going to the Lord with your problems and telling him exactly how you feel. Do not expect or hope your husband to be what you need. You pray and read the scriptures by yourself. And if you are angry and don't want to do anything with your husband, personally I think that is okay. Do you have an awesome girlfriend or sister or someone that is willing to go do stuff with you? Like go to the temple but also just go on walks or to the mall or stuff that is fun and relaxing to you? Can you find something to do outside the home, without leaving your husband, that can be fun and productive, take a lot of your time, that has nothing to do with your marriage? Like take a class that you have always wanted. I don't remember if you have kids. . .

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I agree. thats why you dont post things like this on places like these...and yes I should not have posted all our dirty laundry..but you know what it hurts that my laundry was passes around... I am repenting..I dont need this. I am sad...feels like a slap on my face. :(

Kar, when I learned that my wife had committed adultery I DESPERATELY needed two things:

1.) Somewhere or someone to talk to. Some means to vent my pain, frustration, agony, disappointment and general whirlwind of painful emotions.

2.) I needed an outlet that would provide anonymity -- while I needed to talk about it, I also desperately wanted to keep the details anonymous. I never want her family to know what happened. I never want my family to know what happened. I never want anyone who doesn't actually need to know to find out what happened. It would forever destroy their opinion of her.

She's a good woman I couldn't do that to her. But I also couldn't hold it all inside. I felt like if I just bottled up everything, I'd just explode. I might even inadvertently blurt it out when we were visiting her family or my family at some point.

That is exactly why I originally came to this forum. So I could voice my hurts and frustrations without smearing mud all over my wife in the process.

I think the important key difference: I checked with my wife and made sure she was okay with it first. But among so many things, I hope you'll forgive him the indiscretion. It's hard to think clearly about it all when you're still feeling the hurt.

noche10 I apologize for cluttering up your thread. Either Jimmy or Kar, please create a separate thread for this and we can have a moderator move the posts.

Edited by Faded
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dont worry faded i was just angry and wanted to vent !

crazy potatoe - thank you for ur advise i actually dont have anyone that i can hang out with here - and i have really just wanted to stay home i am not depressed i just hate going places alone - i do enjoy going to the temple alone and that has helped a lot -- i know its ok to be angry i just dont want to be the wife who is always reminding him of what happend -- i want to move foward and i want to help him ... but ur righ i dont need to do it all for him ... and praying does help

thanks

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I understand...it is hard for him. He gets into cycles and I end up cycling down with him. Thats one thing my counselor has been trying to work with me on. Not allowing his cycles hurt my progression in repentance. I want him to have a place to vent, I do, thats why he told a few of his friends so he could talk to them. We also have counseling every week with our couples counseling through the church and personal counseling so we both can work out our feelings. The only thing I can do for him is reassure him and just love him. I wouldn't of mind him being on here if I had known and it was me who was airing my own transgression and what really did happen and not a cycled version that doesn't say what really did happen.

Noche10--- I am sorry for you pain. I hope you know you that HF is there for you. He is there for everyone. I really cant say to much because I was the one who transgressed but I will say if your hubby is trully repenting he knows what he did wrong and is there because he loves you and wants things right. I am sure he wants his own salvation and relationship back with the lord to. It is so hard being on the other end of it. You feel like you can never repent for it. You feel like no matter what you do it will never ever help. Like I feel. You want to make the other person stop hurting but you dont know now. You watch there pain and hope they someday will see you in a different light. You yearn for that spirit back. Sadly it really wasn't about you. It was about him not feeling his own self-worth. I wish i could give you a hug and tell you that the lord loves you and he loves your hubby too. You will be a stronger women for this. Use this as a teaching tool together as a couple. Turn this tragedy around to do something good for others who are in similar situations or to teach the importance of self-worth and how to avoid the pitfalls. big hugs

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Can someone bring me up to speed on the mojo couple? I can't seem to figure out where the last couple of pages in this thread came from.

Without understanding what everyone is talking about, just let me say that you're all in my prayers. I can say this because my every prayer includes a request that Heavenly Father bless and comfort everyone who's going through anything remotely like what I am.

Noche, what happened the day you posted in all caps? I thought things were looking up! Are you on a kind of roller coaster? I thought your husband was beginning to understand the pain he'd caused you. Are you still having trouble working out an agreement on how often you can call or text him when he's at work? If you want to talk about it, we're all here for you. As others have said, it really helps to vent.

I have been blessed. My best friend's dad is a very talented pychologist, and does consulting with Bishops and Stake Presidents all over the country on how to deal with members who have behavioral disorders. A lot of what his dad knows has rubbed off on him, including fundamental counseling skills. My friend and I work at the same place, are in the same ward, and live about five minutes away from each other. I eat lunch with him every day and I get free counseling. Most of it involves him just listening to me whine about everything until I'm sick of hearing myself talk about it. I don't know how he's had the patience to listen to me day after day for six months now, but he's really been there for me. Through him and numerous other friends and relatives, Heavenly Father has ministered to me in this seemingly unending dark time in my life. I am sustained by a symphony of support, each voice contributing a vital and unique part. But the most helpful part has been my best friend, and his suggestions that I write down "pros and cons" lists, and rely on them to make my decisions instead of going on emotion. My emotions continue to spiral downward through pain and darkness. For example, last night I got copies of my wife's version of what property belongs to who, and just how rotten a monster I am and what a victim she has been from my lawyer in the mail. She is accusing me of emotional, verbal, physical, and sexual abuse of her, and physical abuse of the children, and she is also requesting alimony, and virtually every piece of furniture in the house. Just when I think I've become acclimatized to the pain, it gets worse again. I hope that's not how things are for you Noche. I hope things are continuing to improve. I hope your marriage is continuing to heal and grow. I know it can, if you both decide it's the most important thing to you, and that your love will never die.

"Funny" thing. I thought mine would never die. And last night when I read what my wife said about me in a deposition that my lawyer will have to protect me from in court (which won't be until late July, meanwhile she still has all our kids), I honestly felt the last bit of love I ever had for her vanish. If I do still love her, it's hidden from my own heart. I had to fill out the same papers, and I did not dare use them as an opportunity to crucify her in court. The only reason I ever filed was to keep from losing my children. I visited them a few weeks ago and saw very little of my wife while I was there. When I said goodbye to her, I kissed her hand and told her yet again that I love her.

I do not think I could do that now. I'd love it if I never saw her, ever again.

Noche, I hope your marriage continues to head in the opposite of mine, as it seemed to be last time I heard from you.

I've said this before, but I want to say it again:

There is a member of the Stake Council in my ward, and some time ago, he had an affair and almost left his wife. They are still together and he has obviously turned his life around. They are happy, and their marriage is probably stronger now than it was before everything happened. I'm not suggesting infidelity as a method for strengthening a marriage, don't get me wrong. What I'm saying is that the trials that come with it, if passed, can make us better people and strengthen our marriages, both husband and wife. Of course, this is only possible if both husband and wife are willing to wholely devote themselves to each other and make Heavenly Father an integral part of their marriage.

I think of it like husband, wife, and Heavenly Father all holding hands with each other while skydiving, in sort of a triangle shape. If husband or wife should let slip their grasp on their spouse's hand, if they remain holding on to Heavenly Father's hand, they can, in time, regain their grip on their spouse's hand. But if they let go of Father's hand too, that opportunity is gone. He can reunite any husband and wife, in my opinion, if they will at least hold on to Him, and keep reaching out to their spouse.

I suppose he could even save my marriage. But today I don't care anymore, for the first time ever. I married what looks to me now to be a monster. She has crushed all the respect I ever had for her. She has destroyed my love for her, and I never would have believed it to be possible. No one deserves to be treated like this.

Noche, it looked to me like your husband is a better person than that. I hope I was right, and I hope that your marriage has the chance mine does not.

God bless you all, and may He manifest His grace in your lives to the healing and salvation of your marriages the same way He has manifest His grace in my life, to the guidance and comforting of my soul during an unending, painful maelstrom of a nightmare.

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Chet,

From your wife's perspective, it is a predominant practice of counselors and other women to label men as emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive. Perhaps you could pray for her to just have clarity as to who you are as a person. I know I went to several counselors that told me my husband was abusive. The same counselors will basically always tell the woman that she needs to get up her guts to leave, that she has been a doormat with no self-esteem. So maybe, I don't know your situation or anything, but just maybe she is being blinded to the truth, whatever that may be, by a professional counselor. If not, if she is just talking to other women (her friends), they may very easily be feeding her the same victim mentality that you are an evil, oppressive man and she is a doormat. Unfortunately, this is very prevalent in our culture among women and among both male and female counselors, especially if the counselor is a LSW. So maybe your wife isn't trying to hurt you so much as getting bad, bad advice and directions from others (been there, done that, and I'm a female)!

Hugs

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OK GUYS SORRY BUT TODAY I AM TAKING MY TREAD BACK ! ---------

I THINK MY h INFIDELITY MIGHT OF GIVEN ME AN STD -- !!!!! I AM SCARED AND HEART BROKEN ALL OVER AGAIN .. THE PAIN OF WHAT HE DID IS TOO MUCH ---- HE HAS BEEN VERY LOVEING AND KIND AND PATIENT AND HE IS VERY SORRY FOR WHAT HE DID . BUT I FEEL THAT THE MORE PAIN IM IN EVERYDAY THE MORE I LOSE LOVE FOR HIM ...... THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER FEALT LIKE THIS AND IT ALSO SCARES ME - LAST NIGH I WENT TO BED - NO KISS NO FAMILY PRAYER OR READING TOGETHER I WAS ANGRY AND IDNT WANT TO DOANYTHING W HIM -- THIS MORNING I FOUND A NOTE ON MY PURSE THAT READ " B STRONG I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH DONT GIVE UP PLEASE I NEED YOU " ...........

HOW MUCH STRONGER CAN I BE !!!!!!!!!!! I AM TIERD , I FEEL LIKE I KEEP GETTING HURT OVER AND OVER ---------

Ok, your husband did bad, he apologized to you, it sounds like he is making an effort going through the repentance process. The healing that comes from the repentance process is not unilateral, in other words, you need to allow the healing to take place.

You are commanded to forgive those who apologize. It may be hard, but it sounds like YOU are having the problem accepting his apology and it's you who is going against both Heavenly Father and your vows.

I suggest that you find counseling right now on how you can work through accepting the atonement that Heavenly Father has offered. The onus is on you right now to make your marriage work and it doesn't seem like you have been doing much except wanting a pity party.

You were hurt, he apologized, and he is doing more to make it right and fix the damage done. What more do you want from him? What would make you happy about the situation? What would fix things?

I have a feeling that the answer is nothing (or maybe you cheat on him as well??), you just want to be angry about your betrayal. Your anger is not helping anything. Certainly he has a trial to go through in dealing with his PA and cheating, but you, my friend, have a trial to go through in how you deal with this betrayal.

From what I see, everything is in your hands....A failure in your marriage at this stage will probably be chalked up as a failure on your part to accept the power of the atonement.

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Wo Rico,

You are harsh. Noche is completely justified in divorcing her husband, even if he is repenting, she is not obligated to stay in the marriage.

Did I say that she was obligated to stay in the marriage? I just said that if the marriage fails at this point, it's because she is unwilling to forgive him. The ball is in her courts on whether or not she accepts his apology and if she wants to make it work. She's the one who needs help right now, not coddling.

Sorry if that seems harsh to you, crazypotato, but it's the truth the way I see it. People benefit much more from truth in bad situations than words to just make them feel good.

The time for nice platitudes has ended. She's been going on for over a month about how he was apologized to her, tried to fix things and she still keeps bringing up his infidelity. It's not healthy for him and it's not healthy for her.

She should figure out what she wants from all of this. She needs to figure out if she cares to salvage the marriage at this point.

But I guess telling her that she needs to do that is being harsh......like she would be better off us telling her that it's ok for her to disregard her vows....

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Hey noche,

I am so sorry to hear about what you're going thru. I know a lot of how you are feeling. I have been thru a similar ordeal with my own husband and so I hope I can help.

Last May my husband confessed to me that he had cheated on me two years ago during a Naval deployment with two seprate women from the ship, both of whom knew that he was married. The kicker: when the ship came home I was introduced to and befriended both women.

Not only had he betrayed my trust in him and lied to my face about it, but he had then allowed me to become friends with the two women, never knowing who they really were. I was compleatly crushed.

I know the pain, anger, and the confusion you are feeling... even the hatred you feel at times. I have also felt it. It feels overwhelming and consuming and never-ending. Take your time, sort out your feelings, and see a chruch counselor. The counselor we saw helped us and me so much! Having someone who I could talk to, cry to, explain all my feelings to was such a relief, and knowing that she wasn't judging, simply listeneing and trying to help. Because of the steps that my husband took to fix what he had done and the fact that he was clearly remorseful for his sins, I decided to stay with him and we have moved forward together. There is still some pain sometimes, but it is now like a scar that is still pink instead of the gaping wound that it was. Together we are healing and growing closer together. But that was my decision. I can not and will not tell you what decision to make as far as your relationship with your husband. That decision is between you and the Lord. It's not between you and your husband because he should wait for whatever you decide (he already made his decisions. now it's your turn), but it should be between you and your Heavenly Father.

Just know that you Father does love you and He is there for you. I had a very direct answer to prayer one time when I really needed it and I know that our Father hears us. Whatever you end up deciding with your husband, know that Dad is there for you no matter what.

And so am I, dear sister.

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rico !! if u have nbot been where i am then u cant understand the pain it feel to know the one person u trusted the most was not who you though he was ......... also i have forgiven him but like u said it takes time .. for me fogiveness came quikly but the memmories other things that have come up are hurt full and they hurt everyday

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thank you honey bee ... its nice to know and have hope that there is others out there who have moved foward and that its possible for my h and i to be happy again...... and your right i do need to seek counceling for my self . i think that would help .....

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The time for nice platitudes has ended. She's been going on for over a month about how he was apologized to her, tried to fix things and she still keeps bringing up his infidelity. It's not healthy for him and it's not healthy for her.

She should figure out what she wants from all of this. She needs to figure out if she cares to salvage the marriage at this point.

....

the appology has been acccepted but the pain is still there . if i didnt want to be in this marrige i would of left when i had the chance i from the beging knew that my covenets that i made with my h and the lord could b saved , but i am still struggleing with the pain from the infedelity - it dosent go away that ez ) -- i am also streesed at the fact that his mistakes are now hurting me phisicaly as well. --------- do i care to salvage my marrige ??? yes but do i have the energy and love for it like i onces did no .........

if you u thing thats bad well .. thats what happens when someone you love with all ur heart hurts u in the worst way .. the love and respect u have for then fades ..........

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hi chet !! long time ... well i dont know what was going on that day ---- u know how it is somedays are good and some are as bad as they can b---------- i am sorry to hear that ur wife is being mean hearted ..... i am sorry u feel the love for her dimishe ... i pray that you can get the streght to move foward and to let god guide u thru the rest of ur deccisions .........

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rico !! if u have nbot been where i am then u cant understand the pain it feel to know the one person u trusted the most was not who you though he was ......... also i have forgiven him but like u said it takes time .. for me fogiveness came quikly but the memmories other things that have come up are hurt full and they hurt everyday

The pain is still there because it's you who is hurting. It's you who needs the help to get beyond things. That anger you now feel for your husband is coming from the Adversary. He wants you to remember the things your husband did and he wants you to avoid truly forgiving your husband.

Be strong and move forward because one thing is certain, Satan wants your family to fail. He wants it broken up. Your husband fell into his trap when he chose to cheat. When you accepted your husband's apology, you made it clear that you wouldn't let Satan break up your family. Now Satan is working on you.

This is where turning to Heavenly Father and truly accepting the power of the atonement can help you. Go to Heavenly Father and pray for strength every time your thoughts go back to remembering what you have already forgiven.

Whatever you do, stop wallowing in your tears. The power of the atonement isn't just for your husband, it's for you as well.

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Guest mirancs8

The pain is still there because it's you who is hurting. It's you who needs the help to get beyond things. That anger you now feel for your husband is coming from the Adversary. He wants you to remember the things your husband did and he wants you to avoid truly forgiving your husband.

Be strong and move forward because one thing is certain, Satan wants your family to fail. He wants it broken up. Your husband fell into his trap when he chose to cheat. When you accepted your husband's apology, you made it clear that you wouldn't let Satan break up your family. Now Satan is working on you.

This is where turning to Heavenly Father and truly accepting the power of the atonement can help you. Go to Heavenly Father and pray for strength every time your thoughts go back to remembering what you have already forgiven.

Whatever you do, stop wallowing in your tears. The power of the atonement isn't just for your husband, it's for you as well.

Clearly you are not seeing it from her perspective. I think you are being much to harsh to someone who is in obvious pain and is struggling with a very serious issue. Did you ever think that it could be HF who is opening her eyes to what is going on in her life? I certainly believe that though I was blinding for several years to the reality of my toxic marriage that HF was listening to my prayers and helped to open my eyes to the truth.

So you honestly think that because you accept your spouses apology that this means that you are bound to staying in that situation? I can't even begin to count the number of apologies I accepted from my ex only to be lied to and manipulated again. Clearly it is the spouse who needs to own up and do what they have to so they can make it right with the spouse they wronged.

We are all not perfect but for you to lay all that burden upon her shoulders is just wrong:mad:. It really makes me angry because for those of us who have felt this pain know that support is critical for your sanity. Yes we all need a bit of in your face truth BUT come on can you kick in some supportive words of encouragement in there pal? I think she's been through a lot!!

She has to do right for her own situation. She is the one who knows what is going on in her marriage. We can support and give advice but to make her feel as if she didn't live up to some expectation that you clearly made up... well frankly my dear I don't give a *bleep*:wacko:

Can you all tell I'm in a rare mood today. My mom has been living with me helping out and she's making me NUTS LOL!!!!

Seriously though cut the lady a break. We don't know the entire story and should could have done much more then we can ever imagine to mend her marriage so let us support her and give her friendly advice to help her through.

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Clearly you are not seeing it from her perspective. I think you are being much to harsh to someone who is in obvious pain and is struggling with a very serious issue. Did you ever think that it could be HF who is opening her eyes to what is going on in her life? I certainly believe that though I was blinding for several years to the reality of my toxic marriage that HF was listening to my prayers and helped to open my eyes to the truth.

So you honestly think that because you accept your spouses apology that this means that you are bound to staying in that situation? I can't even begin to count the number of apologies I accepted from my ex only to be lied to and manipulated again. Clearly it is the spouse who needs to own up and do what they have to so they can make it right with the spouse they wronged.

We are all not perfect but for you to lay all that burden upon her shoulders is just wrong:mad:. It really makes me angry because for those of us who have felt this pain know that support is critical for your sanity. Yes we all need a bit of in your face truth BUT come on can you kick in some supportive words of encouragement in there pal? I think she's been through a lot!!

She has to do right for her own situation. She is the one who knows what is going on in her marriage. We can support and give advice but to make her feel as if she didn't live up to some expectation that you clearly made up... well frankly my dear I don't give a *bleep*:wacko:

Can you all tell I'm in a rare mood today. My mom has been living with me helping out and she's making me NUTS LOL!!!!

Seriously though cut the lady a break. We don't know the entire story and should could have done much more then we can ever imagine to mend her marriage so let us support her and give her friendly advice to help her through.

My prayers are with you because you obviously haven't had a break from your own painful past.

Me? I have been through an extremely painful situation myself and know that it is up to me to heal myself with Heavenly Father's help. The sad thing is that I had to come to the realization that victims of the sinners action are not worthy of being helped. We have to help ourselves.

A criticism I have about some units in the church is that often times the victims of sin do not get the help they need. Too much focus is put on the repentance process for the sinner, but victims are not part of that process. That will not change until victims start standing up and demanding that they get the help they need as well.

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Guest mirancs8

My prayers are with you because you obviously haven't had a break from your own painful past.

Me? I have been through an extremely painful situation myself and know that it is up to me to heal myself with Heavenly Father's help. The sad thing is that I had to come to the realization that victims of the sinners action are not worthy of being helped. We have to help ourselves.

A criticism I have about some units in the church is that often times the victims of sin do not get the help they need. Too much focus is put on the repentance process for the sinner, but victims are not part of that process. That will not change until victims start standing up and demanding that they get the help they need as well.

So sorry to hear of the painful situation you also went through.

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Rico,

You are way out of line telling noche10 that if she does't stay with her huband she in not honoring her marriage vows. While the Chruch does not promote divorce, under certian circumstances (and infidelity is one of them) the Chruch does not require the victimized spouce to remain with their husband/wife. Having reciently been there myself, I know what I'm talking aobut. I also have to agree with mirancs8, here. Clearly you are not seeing it from her perspective and you are being much too harsh with someone who is struggling with a very serious issue. Whatever noche10 decides to do is up to her and Heavenly Father. We should help her by lending our shoulders and our ears, but unless one has been in her shoes, they should keep thier advice to themselves.

Edited by mrmn_honeybee
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Thanks crazypotato. You may be correct on all counts. This much I know. She used to complain that there was too much "man-bashing" going on in the Church, even during General Conference. I remember a conversation I had with her on the phone back in September in which she was talking like the most embittered bra burner I ever met. Her mind has always been very easily swayed, and I can tell someone's been working on her.

It's interesting to note that she has listed her current psychiatrist, the psychiatrist she was seeing before she left me, and a friend of her mom's who is allegedly qualified to testify about "general mental well being", all as expert witnesses at our divorce hearings.

I'm hoping that when the judge sees that she wants virtually every piece of furniture in the house, without a house of her own to put it all in, that she wants alimony, that she wants full custody of the children, and that she's accused me of emotional, verbal, sexual, and physical abuse of her and physical abuse of the children, he'll take her with a grain of salt.

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Clearly you are not seeing it from her perspective. I think you are being much to harsh to someone who is in obvious pain and is struggling with a very serious issue. Did you ever think that it could be HF who is opening her eyes to what is going on in her life? I certainly believe that though I was blinding for several years to the reality of my toxic marriage that HF was listening to my prayers and helped to open my eyes to the truth.

Holy schnikes! I can absolutely relate to this!

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My prayers are with you because you obviously haven't had a break from your own painful past.

With all due respect, would you consider an appeal from me to stop putting everyone on the couch?

The first thing people like noche tend to hear is how they need to apply the atonement. Given that the most commonly associated purpose of the atonement is to make possible the gift of repentance, such a suggestion directed toward people like noche tends to smack of accusation and criticism, even if, perhaps, that is not the intention.

Noche isn't perfect, and she knows this. Some of us are trying to gently suggest to her that she will have to bend a little to accommodate her husband's need to perform reasonably at work, and that it may prevent him from being able to call or text her as often as she would like. We are trying to alert her that her need for reassuring contact with him may be getting out of hand a little, but we're all generally very quick to assert that because of the pain she has suffered and continues to suffer, it is entirely understandable that she feels the way she does, and is behaving the way she does.

Let's not make the mistake of implying that her reaction to what was done to her is in some way as bad or worse than what was done to her in the first place. That is, in addition to be ludicrous, quite hurtful and destructive. That's not the Lord's way. The Holy Spirit isn't afraid to alert us to our faults, but He does so gently, without making us feel condemned, despised, or derided. If noche needs help calming down from the intense emotional trauma from which she is obviously still trying to emerge, let that help be gentle and understanding. Don't condemn her. Don't equate her reaction to the infidelity with the infidelity itself. That's comparing apples and oranges. The last thing she needs is to be told that she is a bad person. Her husband (intentionally or not) has already done that.

What they both need now, both of them, is to be encouraged to be the best they can be, to treat each other with all the love they can demonstrate, and to try to heal each other and themselves, both of them, each of them. They have both paid a terrible toll, and the last thing either of them needs right now is to face the peanut gallery of the Jerry Springer show.

I think we can all agree that noche needs to take a deep breath and relax, but most of us who are commenting also know from personal experience that she needs a lot of healing. She may not be able to back off of her demands on her husband until she gets that healing. It's true that the atonement works for the victim as well as the transgressor, but let's just be as clear as we can about this:

Noche = victim, not transgressor.

EVen noche's husband needs encouragement and positive support. Can we not also offer it to noche?

How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings, that publisheth peace; that bringeth good tidings of good, that publisheth salvation; that saith unto Zion, Thy God reigneth! -- Isaiah 52:7

Let's follow the advice of Isaiah, not Jerry Springer.

What noche needs is someone to listen to her vent all the pain within her soul, and when she's ready, then she can be gently told how she can make things easier for her husband to complete his repentance and together save their marriage.

I have come to learn for myself that the way the atonement is applied to the victim of such a painful situation can very likely be through the help of our brothers and sisters here on this side of the veil. I intend to be one of those helpful brothers. I encourage you to do the same.

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Hang in there Noche! If the man you fell in love with still exists, hold on to him and help him find his way back (remember that he needs support and kindness too, because he has a lot of shame on his shoulders and is only gradually coming to realize how much).

If that man does not exist anymore, know that you are justified in the eyes of the Church in splitting. You'd be encouraged to try to save your marriage, but the Church will not stand in your way if you decide to pull the plug. Heck, my wife's Priesthood Authority out there where she's living now don't seem to have a problem with her having left me, and I didn't cheat on her. If anything, she was emotionally unfaithful to me, in various ways.

Like I said before, Heavenly Father told me that He will support whatever decision I make in my situation. I would be surprised if He has not also told you the same thing. But there is abundant precendent in your case. Basically, you are free to proceed however you see fit. But only you can answer the question of how you should move forward. No one could answer that question for me, and even Heaven Father declined to do so, telling me instead He wanted me to decide for myself, but that He would support me either way. All any of the rest of us can do for you is to listen, to share our own experiences, to offer perspective, and to encourage you.

You are in my prayers, as I'm sure you are also in the prayers of others in this thread.

God bless you noche!

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