Marriage Problems-- What Would A Bishop Say??

[Melissa569]

After 15 years of not attending church (I‘m baptized), I stopped by our local church last Sunday. They said I should be with the 9am ward next Sunday, so I’ll be doing that, and joining their ward. I’ll be attending regularly, to try and figure out what direction my life should be headed in. I know I’ll need to speak to the bishop and all… But there is a matter in my marriage I feel I will have to bring up with him, because it could determine weather a divorce is in my near future. And I think that’s an important subject. I just don’t know what to expect from the bishop...

So here’s the deal:

As I said, I was baptized when I was a child. My husband believes in God, but he's never been a memebr of any church. Anyway, I feel sooooo guilty, because I often find myself wishing I were single, or maybe even with someone else. Its because my emotional and companionship needs are not being met in our marriage. My husband is very simple-- all he needs is the occasional quick.. ya know… We’re talking maybe once or twice a month, not to be crude. And maybe dinner cooked and the house cleaned-- and that's it, he’s happy! Even that much, he can take it or leave it.

But I, on the other hand, am a very deep, passionate, communicative and emotional person. I’m extremely romantic, and I think the best parts of life are the moments you spend with your significant other! Hubby and I have very little in common, other than the fact that we still love each other. We’re not very intimate, hardly ever talk, and there is pretty much no romance. He just doesn’t need it.

I’ve considered leaving my husband many times over it, even though I will always love him. He simply doesn’t desire the things I do, he’s not interested in them. And he wouldn’t be with any other woman either. My attached feelings of love are keeping me with him (he was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first everything!). But its very confusing and causes tons of stress. I’ve told him how I feel many, many times. He gets upset when I say I’m not happy with him, but he always forgives me for saying it. He‘s just not the close, romantic, intimate, communicating type. But ignoring this problem is not very fulfilling, and it doesn’t resolve anything, or get us anywhere. I don’t know what the church does with people who get divorced… I don’t know what they would expect me to do, when my husband is just not the kind of guy I need. And I really don’t know if he ever could be. A person either wants those things in their life, or they don’t. I can’t make him, lol. We’ve discussed this problem for the past 5 years, until I was blue in the face. I've tried bringing home improved marriage/intimacy books, CD's, DVD's, games, etc. And every method imaginable for introducing the ideas and activities to him. But nothing ever changes.

I love my husband to death, and it kills me to think that it won't work. But I'm at my wit's end.

So besides the obvious “Well, that’s why you should be more careful who you marry…”, what do you think bishop would say about all this? Or should I even bring it up?

EDIT: Due to one of my replies below, It hink its also important to mention that my husband does have a VERY serious gambling problem, which keeps us apart alot, because he's always at the casino. Even at home, he tends to withdraw intot he computer, in a free online poker game... This too is extremely tasking on the marriage... He only learned to play poker after our first year and a half together, and before that, we didn't have half as many relationship problems. Still some, but nowhere near as bad.

Edited January 8, 2010 by Melissa569

[Elgama]

well I will never be a Bishop but if I was I would give you the Spencer W Kimball quote

"'Soul mates' are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price."

You need to forget yourself and start to work on your marriage, there is clearly no abuse, no adultery, so right now your concern is purely down to the sex, why not look at ways to spice it up for him as well, ask him what he likes, maybe you can shop for items etc

How often do you have a couple council? is he LDS? can you pray and read scriptures together? what about Family Home Evening - doesn't need to be religious. Can you go on a date together? or sbuy some nice food, and juice and sit next to him whiist he does something? would he take up ballroom dancing classes with you? What would happen if you bought him a bunch of flowers or a gift?? Buy a sex book? Between Husband and Wife is an LDS one without pictures if you would have issues with pictures

Tell him its serious and this time he needs to put the effort in - also sex does go in cycles over a long relationship sometimes people are more interested than others and if you are doing it more, he will want it more

Edited January 7, 2010 by Elgama

[Melissa569]

Well, sex kinda plays a part, but less than half of it. Its mainly the fact that we really have no common interests, goals, or subjects of conversation.

Not sure if I agree with Mr. Kimball, though... I do think it matters who you are with. True, there are no perfect matches-- just the fact that you are different genders, who grew up in different homes, means there will be a world of contrast in your personalities. But there are people we are more compatable with in comparison to others. I mean sure, I guess if I emptied my head of most thought, numbed my heart to most emotion, and walked around with a neutral expression on my face, I could force myself to "tolerate" living with just about any man. But I don't think we were placed here to stagger through life, as impartial zombies, lol.

Edited January 7, 2010 by Melissa569

[Elgama]

I firmly believe any 2 good people can make it work, how about first of all asking a Bishop or Missionaries or someone similar for a blessing? you could find a common interest - does he have an interest you can try and get interested in? I am totally computer challenged but I can listen to my husband talk about them, make him realise this is serious for you, you say about him forgiving you, but marriage is 2 way and if he doesn't listen and act he is also at fault. Just think if you really do love him, and he is not abusive you need to work together and he needs to know if he doesn't you are at the end of what you can cope with

Can you sit with him whilst he watches something or does something even if you don't like it?

[Melissa569]

Well, 99% of the time, he's interested in gambling (poker) which has driven us badly into debt... So it would probably be easier to care about his interests, if they were healthy ones, lol. It does tend to consume the mind... I'm sure you can imagine :)

I will admit that before he learned to play poker, we were MUCH happier... I guess I figured every guy has his "thing" he likes to do. But now, its like he's become this machine, with no room in his head or heart for anything else, including me. I wonder if the church has meetings for people with that problem.

Edited January 7, 2010 by Melissa569

[Elgama]

I am sorry to hear that sounds like he has an addiction, which is different from your first post. I don't know about the church think they do but there is also Gamblers Anonymous, Church provides a lot less in Scotland where I am probably combination of lack of members and the NHS and government have OK programmes

Sometimes you have to give em the choice, its me or the ____ in my husband's case it was his depression, in yours the gambling, hope he picks right one

[SuperAlbeee]

Well, 99% of the time, he's interested in gambling (poker) which has driven us badly into debt... So it would probably be easier to care about his interests, if they were healthy ones, lol. It does tend to consume the mind... I'm sure you can imagine :)

I will admit that before he learned to play poker, we were MUCH happier... I guess I figured every guy has his "thing" he likes to do. But now, its like he's become this machine, with no room in his head or heart for anything else, including me. I wonder if the church has meetings for people with that problem.

Not that I'm a married. I'm a new LDS member, since July 09. I used to be in a serious defacto relationship for 3 years (not together with him anymore) and I have been learning a lot about celestial marriages. Whilst I don't feel "qualified" to answer your question because I am not married, I have been in a relationship which suffered serious problems with addiction, so I hope my comments can count.

It seems to me that one of core problems of your marriage might be your husband's gambling addiction. Any form of addiction is usually a symptom of some emotional turmoil going on inside a person. Usually coupled with depression.

If a partner in a marriage is suffering from some addiction or mental illness, I don't think they are in a good position to give their partner the things they need in their marriage.

Of course he's being a completely dull and boring husband. He is putting in all his joy, time energy and your financial resources into gambling.

If he put that much love, devotion and energy into something you did together, I'm sure the result might be a whole lot different.

I think a bishop might say that you need to work on your marriage. From what I have learned about marriage in the church, that a marriage may only end if a partner is abused, or adultery has been committed.

In someways there might be a form of abuse occuring. He is abusing use of your finances.

The church does run some programs (in Australia) for all types of addictions; sex, pornography, alcohol, tobacco, drugs. But I'm sure it depends if they are running this program in your ward in your.

There are also community centres which have free help for people with gambling addictions. I know in my country, the support, financial advice and counselling services are around, and they are free- if you know where to look.

My advice would be definitely talk to you bishop and seek his guidance on the matter. Don't be afraid to talk to him about it. He is there to listen, he cares about you, and his job is to be there for you.

Talk to him as though you would talk to God.

[hordak]

Buy this book and read it. Both of you

Amazon.com: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (9781881273158): Gary Chapman: Books

[Wingnut]

Regarding interests/commonalities:

Take a class together. Cooking, dancing, pottery, etc. Find something in common. Don't just try to get him to like your interests or you to like his, but go a different direction completely. I found that I took on a few of my husband's interests, but I'm sometimes disappointed because he doesn't really reciprocate that. It would be nice to find a third option.

Regarding the sex:

I think you guys could benefit from some counseling together, to have a third party help each of you see the other side. You said that you've already addressed the issue with your husband numerous times, and that you've bought books, etc. to read/do together, but that it's not helping. I think you guys need an outside person who can sit down with both of you and help him see that you need more than he's accustomed to giving, but also to help you find a happy medium where you're satisfied but he's not feeling smothered.

[ryanh]

Your bishop will not counsel you to stay, or to go. What he will do is help you consider the options, and potential implications of each path. The direction to bishops (and stake presidents, etc) to not counsel one action or the other is very clear in the general handbook of instructions. So, you can expect a listening hear, helpful advice, and hopefully some spiritual insights. Talking with him will be a good thing.

There is clearly a problem if your spouse is unwilling to try to meet your needs. I personally don't automatically assume that to be a reason for divorce, but depending on the severity (both in action, and relative impact), I do feel it may be reason for cause.

I agree with Hordak on the book recommendation. It is a good book. At the same time, it seems to me that you already have many of the insights that book would give you. You realize your primary emotional needs, and how they are not being met. The question in my mind would be whether your husband is willing to read it, take it seriously, and make an effort to meet your emotional needs - i.e. reciprocate your efforts and make your marriage a partnership rather than cohabitation with (limited) benefits. Is it possible that there are some emotional needs of his that are not being met that, if met, would cause him to work to meet yours?

My book recommendation would be Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. The author is not LDS, and generally does include religious considerations in the decision process of whether to leave or stay, but the book is invaluable IMO for anyone that is stuck in "relationship ambivalence". The author walks through various factors to help you come to your own conclusion whether it is best to recommit fully and put effort into making things better, or get out because it likely will never get better. This book was very helpful in seeing that it was best that my marriage be terminated.

While any two people may be able to make a marriage work, it does take two people, each desperately working to make it successful. We can only control ourselves. If our mate chooses to not put in the effort, we can’t control them, and they can bring the relationship to it’s knees. That is the sad fact of the world we live in. Just be sure that you feel confident you have given it your all in trying to make it work. You don’t want to be walking away with regrets that you might have been able to something more and made it work.

Final thought – get serious about getting your life in spiritual order and be worth of the promptings of the Holy Ghost. Seek our Heavenly Father’s guidance. He can see the end from the beginning, and will be able to tell you what is in your best interest at this time.

[mrmarklin]

Most guys are like your husband. Us guys are fairly simple souls. Except for his gambling habit, he sounds like a keeper.

But there is a gambling habit, and this seems like a direct cause of your distress. There are three reasons for divorce:

Adultery,

Abuse,

Addiction

If addiction is a problem you need to find it out, and if not soluable, move on.

[NeuroTypical]

Got kids?

[ryanh]

Most guys are like your husband. Us

Most married guys are satisfied with once or twice a month? Unwilling to make efforts to meet a partners emotional needs? I must be an oddball or something then.

[Misshalfway]

Most guys are like your husband. Us guys are fairly simple souls. Except for his gambling habit, he sounds like a keeper.

But there is a gambling habit, and this seems like a direct cause of your distress. There are three reasons for divorce:

Adultery,

Abuse,

Addiction

If addiction is a problem you need to find it out, and if not soluable, move on.

I appreciate that most men are simple. What I can't accept is that this absolves them from listening to and striving to meet the needs of the individual they married and the institution of the commitment they entered into.

Everyone who enters into marriage will be asked to extend themselves beyond what is comfortable. That is what love is! Sounds to me like this man is too comfortable thinking about himself and unwilling to engage. It sounds like he is comfortable in his neglect......something I see is grounds for divorce.

To the OP.....if you H did learn and turn his focus to the needs of the marriage, could you find happiness and want to stay? If the answer is yes, then I would think it might be time for a wake up call. At least if all the cards are laid out, he can decide to change things or let you go and then I think you'll have your answer. That can tell you if there is hope for saving your marriage.

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

After 15 years of not attending church (I‘m baptized), I stopped by our local church last Sunday. They said I should be with the 9am ward next Sunday, so I’ll be doing that, and joining their ward. I’ll be attending regularly, to try and figure out what direction my life should be headed in. I know I’ll need to speak to the bishop and all… But there is a matter in my marriage I feel I will have to bring up with him, because it could determine weather a divorce is in my near future. And I think that’s an important subject. I just don’t know what to expect from the bishop...

So here’s the deal:

As I said, I was baptized when I was a child. My husband believes in God, but he's never been a memebr of any church. Anyway, I feel sooooo guilty, because I often find myself wishing I were single, or maybe even with someone else. Its because my emotional and companionship needs are not being met in our marriage. My husband is very simple-- all he needs is the occasional quick.. ya know… We’re talking maybe once or twice a month, not to be crude. And maybe dinner cooked and the house cleaned-- and that's it, he’s happy! Even that much, he can take it or leave it.

But I, on the other hand, am a very deep, passionate, communicative and emotional person. I’m extremely romantic, and I think the best parts of life are the moments you spend with your significant other! Hubby and I have very little in common, other than the fact that we still love each other. We’re not very intimate, hardly ever talk, and there is pretty much no romance. He just doesn’t need it.

I’ve considered leaving my husband many times over it, even though I will always love him. He simply doesn’t desire the things I do, he’s not interested in them. And he wouldn’t be with any other woman either. My attached feelings of love are keeping me with him (he was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first everything!). But its very confusing and causes tons of stress. I’ve told him how I feel many, many times. He gets upset when I say I’m not happy with him, but he always forgives me for saying it. He‘s just not the close, romantic, intimate, communicating type. But ignoring this problem is not very fulfilling, and it doesn’t resolve anything, or get us anywhere. I don’t know what the church does with people who get divorced… I don’t know what they would expect me to do, when my husband is just not the kind of guy I need. And I really don’t know if he ever could be. A person either wants those things in their life, or they don’t. I can’t make him, lol. We’ve discussed this problem for the past 5 years, until I was blue in the face. I've tried bringing home improved marriage/intimacy books, CD's, DVD's, games, etc. And every method imaginable for introducing the ideas and activities to him. But nothing ever changes.

I love my husband to death, and it kills me to think that it won't work. But I'm at my wit's end.

So besides the obvious “Well, that’s why you should be more careful who you marry…”, what do you think bishop would say about all this? Or should I even bring it up?

Before you go to your Bishop, if you can afford it - get a hold of the following book:

Living a Covenant Marriage

Here is what this book is about:

In 1995, President Gordon B. Hinckley indicated that his greatest concern was the disintegration of marriages and families worldwide. This book was created to address such problems and to provide some perspective and suggestions for LDS couples to “divorce-proof” as well as enrich their marriages. Elder Bruce C. Hafen, a member of the First Quorum of the Seventy, begins the volume with an excellent article adapted from his conference address on covenant (verses contract) marriages. Each of the remaining contributors to this volume is either a professional educator or a marriage counselor in private practice with extensive experiences in working with Latter-day Saint couples. This authoritative and insightful book is an invaluable resource for anyone looking to strengthen his or her marriage relationship.

Here is also Elder Bruce C. Hafen's talk - Covenant Marriage That appeared in the November 1996 edition of the Ensign.

Here is what Elder Hafen says:

Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will. Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.” 2 Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee. This idea is wrong. It curses the earth, turning parents’ hearts away from their children and from each other. 3

This includes "Well I am not being sexually satisfied because I have a different sex drive than my husband", personally, this is pride and selfishness. Yes, appropriate intimacy within a marriage is healthy and good, however, many people have the wrong concept of appropriate intimacy and marital sexual relations.

The first issue is to change one's perspective and attitude. Delve into the scriptures, and seek after God. Sit down with the Bishop, discuss with your husband your desires.

In fact, the other day, my wife and I sat with our Bishop and we were talking with him about where we are at and the struggle and frustration of me finding adequate employment. Yet, he said something very interesting that has stuck with me today.

As I recall, he said to us: "When a husband goes after and does things that benefits and blesses the family and his wife, then his wife will entrust herself to him and know that his desires are her desires."

Very interesting thought.

[hordak]

I agree with Hordak on the book recommendation. It is a good book. At the same time, it seems to me that you already have many of the insights that book would give you. You realize your primary emotional needs, and how they are not being met. The question in my mind would be whether your husband is willing to read it, take it seriously, and make an effort to meet your emotional needs - i.e. reciprocate your efforts and make your marriage a partnership rather than cohabitation with (limited) benefits. Is it possible that there are some emotional needs of his that are not being met that, if met, would cause him to work to meet yours?

That's why i recommend the book. Knowing what your needs/ languages is only half the battle. Expecting her husband to read it and meet her needs is pointless if she is not willing to do so for him.

You don't read the book to find out about yourself, but about the other person.

Learning what your needs are and how your partner isn't meeting them isn't useful.

Learning what your partner needs and how to meet them is. (assuming both parties do so)

[Melissa569]

WOW! So many helpful replies here! :)

To answer some of everyones questions:

1-- We do not have any children (been married 5 years, we just don't know if we want them, he wants more money before we have kids... More specifically, wants to be "rich" first, but I think its silly. Still, I won't force him, because what kind of father will he be, if he doesn't want them?).

2-- Yes, I could be VERY happy and stay with him, if some of the problems could just be fixed. I still love him a lot, and I'm still attracted to him (always will be, I can tell he's gonna be cute even when he's old, lol).

3-- I agree, he is a VERY good person and a keeper, outside the gambling addiction. That's why I stay. His good qualities attracted me to him (naturally) and are hard to find. He's very kind, everyone who meets him likes him. He helps everyone. Very giving. Believes in god. Doesn't cheat. Doesn't do drugs. Doesn't hit me. Forgives pretty much everything I do. I've never cheated (and never would, I would leave a man first if I wanted someone else). But I've said some really hurtful and cruel things to him when I was angry, and he always forgives it. And he's helped me through some of the roughest times of my life. I'll give him that.

I'll check out some of those recomended books, because I would REALLY love to be able to save what he and I have, if we can. Maybe if the missionaries come over and talk to him, they can help us figure out why he's gambling, like what void he's trying to fill. I dont' know.

Never really thought the gambling could be a result of depression... That's a good point though. Makes me wonder what he's depressed about (he hates discussing stuff like that, so I can't really get it out of him, lol). I know its probably something to do with money-- its ALWAYS about money.

I don't really understand being miserable without money. I grew up poor, but happy. But it seems hubby doesn't want kids, doesn't want to be happy, doesn't want to enjoy life-- unless he's wealthy. He's obsessed with winning jackpots and buying lottery tickets, hoping to cash in. And he's constantly saying "If I win, we'll get a home." "If I win, we'll have kids." "If I win, everything will be fine, and we'll always be happy."

I think he's jsut depressed and miserable being poor, lol. I dont' really care though, as long as the love I have is good. Until I met him, it never occurred to be to want to be rich... I mean, you can't take it with you anyway, lol.

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

Never really thought the gambling could be a result of depression... That's a good point though. Makes me wonder what he's depressed about (he hates discussing stuff like that, so I can't really get it out of him, lol). I know its probably something to do with money-- its ALWAYS about money.

I don't really understand being miserable without money. I grew up poor, but happy. But it seems hubby doesn't want kids, doesn't want to be happy, doesn't want to enjoy life-- unless he's wealthy. He's obsessed with winning jackpots and buying lottery tickets, hoping to cash in. And he's constantly saying "If I win, we'll get a home." "If I win, we'll have kids." "If I win, everything will be fine, and we'll always be happy."

I think he's jsut depressed and miserable being poor, lol. I dont' really care though, as long as the love I have is good. Until I met him, it never occurred to be to want to be rich... I mean, you can't take it with you anyway, lol.

This is not about depression from what I am understanding here. It is about selfish greed. It is about not being satisfied with what he has. Does he like Bruce Almighty? A bit corny to mention this, but if you actually pay attention to the story line - it is very pertinent to your particular situation. The character wants to be Anchorman, gets upset when he does not get it and blames God for his demise. God (played by Morgan Freeman) gives him an opportunity to "step into the shoes of divinity". While it is a bit tongue-in-cheek, there is a real lesson to learn here.

Life is not about what we can acquire. In fact, Christ himself stated - where your heart is, that is where you are focused on. Sounds like your husband is chasing a dream that will never become a reality, and therefore, will continue to chase after it while neglecting those around him - no matter how much he is a good guy and how much everyone likes him.

In fact, I buy two lottery tickets once a year. I don't win, I don't win.

What sounds like is he is living in a seriously flawed fantasy land reality and until he wakes up from it, life is going to get worse.

This is no different than alcoholism, pornography, drug abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse, workaholic, et all. It is a very real destructive force that affects everyone in such a relationship.

Could it be that he is depressed, quite possibly, but if he is doing it to "cash in" and to "get wealthy" it sounds more like pride and addiction rather than depression. However, I am no psychologist or counselor. I am just interpreting what you are posting here.

Truth is, as his wife, you can't "put up with it" nor can you afford to "make anymore excuses" for him and his gambling addiction. You have to be honest with yourself and recognize that this is a real problem affecting your marriage.

Which, coincidentally, you mentioned that he is not "passionate". From what you originally posted and what you have subsequently posted thereafter, the issue does not sound like a lack of intimacy in your marriage but a falsified fear of being intimate in which there is a possibility of conception of a child and he feeling that he is not financially adequate to provide for his family, ergo he does not want to have children "until we are wealthy".

My wife and I have a six week old. I just found a survival job, she is on maternity leave, we are struggling with our finances and literally are wondering how we are making it thus far, and how we are going to make it in the next month. We get frustrated, we talk, we discuss, we argue, we yell, we scream, we calm down, we talk it out, we allow each other to communicate with one another openly and honestly, we talk about ways to slim down our spending. Majority of the clothes my wife and I have received for our daughter is from other people - second hand stuff, much of it from my baby sister.

My wife has connections with other moms in her area where they share where one could get good deals on baby stuff, swapping baby items with other moms, or pass along clothes kids have already outgrown.

All it comes down to is the realization that if we set our hearts and minds upon the riches of the world, we will lose our soul, but if we set our hearts upon Heavenly Father and the things he asks us to do, and we seek after him, he will bless and provide us with those things that we need. Some people work hard, obey the commandments and become well off - they in turn bless others out of their abundance when needed - fast offerings, et all.

One of my favorite hymns come to mind - Because I have been given much, I too must give.

What it sounds like is that marriage counseling is not a bad idea at this point in your marital relationship. Also, taking charge and confronting the gambling habit. It is a hard challenge when you are dealing with an addict - but when a wife is firm, but loving in wanting to maintain a healthy marriage, and consistently prays, things happen according to the will of our Heavenly Father.

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

Well, 99% of the time, he's interested in gambling (poker) which has driven us badly into debt... So it would probably be easier to care about his interests, if they were healthy ones, lol. It does tend to consume the mind... I'm sure you can imagine :)

I will admit that before he learned to play poker, we were MUCH happier... I guess I figured every guy has his "thing" he likes to do. But now, its like he's become this machine, with no room in his head or heart for anything else, including me. I wonder if the church has meetings for people with that problem.

I just noticed this, yes the Church does have an addiction recover program.

LDS Family Services - Addiction Recovery Program

And here is a Participant Guidebook

[Wingnut]

...he wants more money before we have kids... More specifically, wants to be "rich" first, but I think its silly...

That will never happen if he keeps up his gambling.

[Melissa569]

lol, that's what I keep telling him, our most common argument-- "Maybe if you tried SAVING all your extra money and investing it in something, or just saving it for the greater good in your account, you would be closer to this wealth you want. But by going to the casino, you are basically wadding it up and throwing it in the gutter."

*sigh* Its like talking to a brick wall, lol.

That will never happen if he keeps up his gambling.

Edited January 8, 2010 by Melissa569

[gabelpa]

If you can, agree on a budget for his gambling. See if you can convince him to only put a certain ammount to it. That may help get his addiction under control, and possibly go towards him realising he has a problem.

[SuperAlbeee]

lol, that's what I keep telling him, our most common argument-- "Maybe if you tried SAVING all your extra money and investing it in something, or just saving it for the greater good in your account, you would be closer to this wealth you want. But by going to the casino, you are basically wadding it up and throwing it in the gutter."

*sigh* Its like talking to a brick wall, lol.

If your husband can not respect your wishes, as his wife to reduce his gambling and has even put you both into debt for his habbit, it seems to me the problem is much more serious problem and he needs to face up to it and get help.

As his wife you can go and get him all the reading material about gambling addictions so he can understand and relate to his problem.

You can obtain phone numbers of gamblers help. You can give him all of that information in the world and ask him to do something about it.

You must also tell him in the most straight forward language, that it is having a serious affect on your relationship.

My ex defacto boyfriend of 3years (before I became an LDS member) was an alcoholic. I expressed to him many times that it was affecting our relationship and he had to do something about it. I was supportive I was there. I did everything I could to help him.

But he neglected to listen to me. He made many promises to do something, sometimes he pretended to do something about it, but actually... he lied about it. In actual fact, he never admitted to being an alcoholic and never committed to changing.

I can related because I felt like I was talking to a brickwall. I felt frustrated and depressed about my future with him and the quality of my life.

He only wanted to put things in action when it was all about to break up. Which wasn't good enough because as soon as things were okay again with me... he went back to his old ways. I know now, that is not a good partner in a relationship.

An addiction problem of a partner does affect the happiness and longevity of relationships and your own well being.

We saw a pyschologist together about this because I ended the relationship. He wanted to make the relationshp work, and I wanted it over and I wanted a pyschologist to explain to him why it was over.

I revealled how I had asked him many times over the years to do something about his addiction and how he didn't do enough. There were many other issues but not relevant to this topic.

The pyschologist told him he had clearly repeatedly neglected his relationship when I had many times expressed something needed to be done about his problem.

When I heard her say it to him, it strange seeing a third person summerise his failures in our relationship.

I knew then, without any emotional manipulation from him, that it was actually okay to leave that relationship. I knew in my heart I had been a good loving partner. I had been the one who put in a lot of time and energy to fix the relationship. It was he, who wasn't working with me as his partner to improve the relationship.

Living with a partner who won't not listen to you when you express you are unhappy, especially about an addiction does affect the quality of your relationship and your own well being.

I think you have the right to leave if you have tried everything to work with him to improve the marriage and be supportive in his gambling addiction.

If he refuses to work together with you, then he no other choice but to face your decision to end your marriage.

[Guest mirancs8]

QUOTE: This includes "Well I am not being sexually satisfied because I have a different sex drive than my husband", personally, this is pride and selfishness. Yes, appropriate intimacy within a marriage is healthy and good, however, many people have the wrong concept of appropriate intimacy and marital sexual relations.

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I must be losing it. Who defines what a “normal” sex drive is? Furthermore, what would be considered "appropriate intimacy within a marriage?" So if one spouse suddenly is satisfied with once a month yet the other once a day does that make the once a day spouse full of pride and selfishness? If one spouses sex drive is on the complete opposite end of the spectrum this can very well cause much stress after years of marriage. Is it selfish of a spouse to want to make love to their wife/husband more than once a month? Maybe I'm just understanding this conversation differently.

Obviously we are programmed with different sex drives, but saying someone is selfish because they want more just seems harsh. Being sexual satisfied is important in a marriage, it's something you share together with each other and no one else. It's a very intimate moment between you both.

Sex is more than just a physical act... there is a level of emotion that is intertwined into making love to the person for whom you made a covenant before God with. It's a beautiful and healthy part of a marriage. I think it's important that both partners be on the same page when it comes to expectations on the frequency and such. If not it will cause friction at some point. You have to feel comfortable enough to discuss this issue openly with each other.

So maybe it's selfish for the spouse who is withholding sex too? Why not? I do also know spouses out there that will withhold sexual contact with their spouse for various reasons (anger, get something they want, attention, to cause them unhappiness, etc).

[SuperAlbeee]

I know some spouses completely lose their sex drive when they fall out of love with their partner too. People can fall out of love because their partner has killed all the "in love" part of their relationship with their selfishness and unwillingness to work together at a serious problem like gambling.