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Do LDS ever talk about sex?

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I talked about it with my husband after we got engaged, in a respectful and appropriate manner; just discussing expectations and the like. I don't see anything wrong with that.

It's difficult to know what expectations, likes and dislikes each will have before ever having sex though. I think it often leads to people feeling like they were misled or that their spouse changed drastically after they got married.

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I talked about it with my husband after we got engaged, in a respectful and appropriate manner; just discussing expectations and the like. I don't see anything wrong with that.

Actually, I think it is a good idea for a couple who is serious or engaged to have discussions like this (including other important topics--children (current or future), finances (VITAL!), working, etc.).

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Actually, I think it is a good idea for a couple who is serious or engaged to have discussions like this (including other important topics--children (current or future), finances (VITAL!), working, etc.).

That is interesting and true. When I first read your comments I though this could lead to trouble with an unmarried couple discussing sex prior to getting married. But then I thought that the trouble would only come if the two were immature and unable to handle this sort of adult conversation. If someone is too immature to discuss the topic as an adult, they may well be too immature to be considering something as important as marriage.

Good food for thought, thanks beefy.

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It's difficult to know what expectations, likes and dislikes each will have before ever having sex though. I think it often leads to people feeling like they were misled or that their spouse changed drastically after they got married.

Honor, although you are correct--likes/dislikes and details aren't known until after the intimacy begins--I think setting the standard that talking about it is appropriate is important. Too many times in the church, the youth are told never to talk about it, never think about, never do it. Then suddenly they are married and it's ok to talk about, ok to think about it, ok to do it. Because of that taboo, too many couples are not comfortable talking about such intimate details. Beginning a relationship with communication is a good start.

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It's difficult to know what expectations, likes and dislikes each will have before ever having sex though. I think it often leads to people feeling like they were misled or that their spouse changed drastically after they got married.

AMEN! That was a little bit of what I was trying to point out. At first someone may think that after a year, yep, they will still want to be together at least a couple times a week. Lo and behold, because they are not experienced, they find out they really are just fine with once or month or even less. Feeling misled is an understatement. No, sex isn't everything in marriage, but it is a huge area where compatibility has to be considered. No one wants to be neglected, and no one wants to feel harassed.

I do honestly hope this thread doesn't get derailed and hidden in the Open forum. The fact that singles need to discuss this matter thoroughly before marriage needs to be known by singles.

Please, let's work on keeping it respectful and appropriate for the benefit of singles that may happen across the thread.

Edited by ryanh
typo

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That is interesting and true. When I first read your comments I though this could lead to trouble with an unmarried couple discussing sex prior to getting married. But then I thought that the trouble would only come if the two were immature and unable to handle this sort of adult conversation. If someone is too immature to discuss the topic as an adult, they may well be too immature to be considering something as important as marriage.

Good food for thought, thanks beefy.

Exactly. It is also important to prepare for such sex talk. I have discussed it with a boyfriend before--we were NOT in a car, not sitting next to each other, not touching in any way and we ended our night with a conversation much safer so that any goodbyes wouldn't have the remnants of any inappropriate feelings.

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Too many times in the church, the youth are told never to talk about it, never think about, never do it. Then suddenly they are married and it's ok to talk about, ok to think about it, ok to do it. Because of that taboo, too many couples are not comfortable talking about such intimate details. Beginning a relationship with communication is a good start.

I totally agree. Communication really is key so when differences come to light, a couple is able to honestly work through them. The sex taboo issue is very real in the society our religion creates. I went through the whole process of coming to terms with my own sexuality and not being ashamed of it, but realizing that the direction from our Heavenly Father has been given for a reason (duh).

AMEN! That was a little bit of what I was trying to point out. At first someone may think that after a year, yep, they will still want to be together at least a couple times a week. Lo and behold, because they are not experienced, they find out they really are just fine with once or month or even less. Feeling misled is an understatement. No, sex isn't everything in marriage, but it is a huge area where compatibility has to be considered. No one wants to be neglected, and no one wants to feel harassed.

It was a MUCH bigger deal than I thought. I knew it was important, but didn't realize just how vital a need it is for both men and women to have a healthy and happy sexual relationship. Problems there can be the wedge that tears a relationship apart OR can be a reflection of problems elsewhere in the relationship. I also think there's more to the typical frequency issue than how it's typically viewed. Interest in sex can often be increased as other emotional factors are satisfied AND possibly vice versa.

Please, let's work on keeping it respectful and appropriate for the benefit of singles that may happen across the thread.

Yeah MOE! Gosh! :mellow:

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well personally have no bother discussing sex lol my Mum raised too kids to be open about sex and discuss our bodies etc Whilst constant discussion does you know good - I do think being able to discuss sex without embarassment is good both for a relationship with a husband and also good for other people too. Sometimes ideas can help to make things a bit more spicy and fun in a marriage. Don't think i waited to get engaged as such with my husband knew we were serious discussed it before then

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well personally have no bother discussing sex lol my Mum raised too kids to be open about sex and discuss our bodies etc Whilst constant discussion does you know good - I do think being able to discuss sex without embarassment is good both for a relationship with a husband and also good for other people too. Sometimes ideas can help to make things a bit more spicy and fun in a marriage. Don't think i waited to get engaged as such with my husband knew we were serious discussed it before then

From an anthropological standpoint.....well, I could go on and on, but I am sure everyone is a little tired of sitting in a classroom LOL.

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I'm probably gonna end up repeating people, oh well.

I don't mean to disrespect anyone but I'm curious to know if singles, those who are over 18 and married members ever talk about sex?

Yes, but I must confess it usually isn't with the decorum it deserves, making light of that which is sacred and all that.

Or do those kind of topics offend some of you? Do they offend the spirt?

Some of it will offend the spirit, the jokes, the crudity and the like, and honestly it should offend me but I'm usually the first to giggle. I don't think an honest conversation that gives it the respect it deserves, in the proper place, time and context will offend the spirit.

Is there a reason why members don't talk about sex?

Because the jump from sacred to shameful has been made in some minds. And in fact, in some minds it never jumped, they were taught it was shameful and dirty. Till your married, then its your duty. :rolleyes:

My Own Comment: It comes down to education. You can't teach people it is dirty or shameful, some use that as a replacement to teach how there is a time and place for it. I think one of the biggest things is parents educating children as they grow up and instilling correct attitudes and views. Me? All I learned about sex I either learned from friends (who didn't have any more knowledge on the subject than me but hearsay), the internet and school. Oh, and Church, where you of course hear, "Sex = Horrible Sin!"*.

I never did have a talk with parents to try to reconcile those two positions. Looking back I'm not sure if I'm grateful or disappointed.

* I know there is a little more context to it than that, but that part they do their best to have stick with you.

Edited by Dravin

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It was a MUCH bigger deal than I thought. I knew it was important, but didn't realize just how vital a need it is for both men and women to have a healthy and happy sexual relationship. Problems there can be the wedge that tears a relationship apart OR can be a reflection of problems elsewhere in the relationship. I also think there's more to the typical frequency issue than how it's typically viewed. Interest in sex can often be increased as other emotional factors are satisfied AND possibly vice versa.

I wouldn't be surprised to learn that this is a common problem for LDS couples, or any other sort of religious wait-till-marriage types for that matter. If you're taught your whole life that sex is bad and wrong, then what happens when you get married and it's suddenly okay? Modesty and purity of thought are certainly admirable traits to have, but there comes a time when you need to prepare yourself for a committed relationship with someone whom you plan on starting a family with. Intimacy can be a beautiful thing when practiced responsibly between two people who truly love each other.

I've heard people scoff at the idea of "sexual health", dismissing it as a justification for promiscuity being promoted by New Age secularists, but it really is a very important part of the maturing process for young adults (and even not-so-young ones). And in a religious culture in which many people marry at an abnormally young age, I believe it is especially important for couples to prepare themselves mentally and emotionally for the post-abstinence lives that they're about to enter. Otherwise you have young people who are jumping head-first from adolescence into full-blown adulthood, and that's just plain not healthy in most cases.

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Are you guys discussing "Sharing Time"?

Ben Raines

NOT FUNNY BEN! My son just became a Sunbeam and I really REALLY can't start equating sex with Sharing Time and be able to hear someone say, "He was a little bit rowdy during Sharing Time." I think I'd probably snort before realizing it was my son they were talking about and then flip out!

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I talk about sex all the time..... with my wife. She wishes I would stop talking about it. I keep reminding her sex is a misdemeanor.

*sticks fingers in ears* I'm not hearing this..blah blah blah blah..I'm not hearing this.

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The truth is, there are all different kinds of people in just about every faith. Teens and pre-teens will find a way to be exactly what the are, no matter what religion it is. They behave a little better in church usually, but they're just like everyone else at home and in school, I find. I'll be the first to admit that educating teens and young adults about what happens when you are careless is smart. But I don't think there is a way to stop them from comming together and discovering certain realities about the other gender. You just have to hope you raised them right, and trust them

I've heard talk about LDS people being really strict about interacting with the oposite gender, but really, I think that's just some families, in some areas. Because its been my experience that most of us not only talk about sex much like everyone else, but we get close and even physical with the other gender, even if its just goofing around. Doesn't mean we have sex before marriage (although I know many LDS members who do), but most of us do at least discuss it, especially with someone we are dating or engaged to.

As an example of how we have our crazy moments too-- when I was a little kid, there was a boy in our LDS ward who would run up to the girls, kiss them, and run away. He'd pretty much gotten all of us at some point. We called him "smoochie". We'd see him comming, and cover our mouthes.

Then when I was 12, on a wednesday, we had a scouts/beehives (young men's, young womens) activity night at the church. They made the boys clean the kitchen, while the girls made plaster casts of each other's faces, to paint later. It was casual dress. At one point, some of the boys started chasing us, snapping us in personal areas with kitchen rags. Then 2 boys trapped me in one of those "london bridge is falling down"- type holds while a third boy tried to ring a rag out over my head, but the other girls came and pulled me free.

Another time, I was visiting my aunt and uncle, hanging out with my cousins (also members) and the son of the most active family in the ward (the same boy who tried to wring the rag out on my head) was sleeping over. We were all joking around, clowning each other. Suddenly, that boy stepped in front of me and "showed it all"! Then said something pretty crude. Later on, he sat on me, so I pinched him in the ribs, pushed him off. When he landed on the floor, I sat on him as payback (more like got a running start and crash-landed on him). Of course, we were only 12 and he later became a missionary, so I'm sure he did a lot of growing up (or at least I hope, lol). I wasn't active after 12, but I'm sure if I had been, I'd have plenty of other stories like that.

Point is, we can be just as wacky as the next person. As males and females, we rough-house, goof off and interact with each other too. And again, the subject of sex does come up.

Edited by Melissa569

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I do honestly hope this thread doesn't get derailed and hidden in the Open forum. The fact that singles need to discuss this matter thoroughly before marriage needs to be known by singles.

Singles can still access the Open Forum, so long as they're over 18.

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Godless, I like a lot of your posts and the insight you offer. (here comes the but . . .) However, I don’t agree with your post to this topic for a number of reasons – the most obvious of which I will point out.

If you're taught your whole life that sex is bad and wrong, then what happens when you get married and it's suddenly okay?

If that was your experience, I’m sorry. That’s unfortunate. Sorry to criticize your parents, but that is bad parenting in this day and age. With the hush-hush of the 50’s and prior, that parenting style is understandable. But it is FAR from an LDS issue. It is an issue of shifting societal norms, coupled with incapable parenting. Lots of LDS are taught sex is good, however, because of its purposes (yes, plural, not just one purpose), it is to be reserved for marriage.

And in a religious culture in which many people marry at an abnormally young age

Abnormal according to whom? What standard? Even LDS are marrying at older ages than has been ‘normal’ for the majority of human history! And you are calling LDS marriage age abnormal? The shift to later and later ages for marriages is, truthfully, what is out of the norm.

Otherwise you have young people who are jumping head-first from adolescence into full-blown adulthood, and that's just plain not healthy in most cases.

And how is engaging in sex prior to being mature enough for marriage not the exact same ‘problem’ you are excoriating?

It’s interesting that you would spin the topic to build upon potential negatives, but pretend that there are not equal, or I would even argue, greater negative effects from following ‘new age’ ideals.

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If that was your experience, I’m sorry. That’s unfortunate. Sorry to criticize your parents, but that is bad parenting in this day and age. With the hush-hush of the 50’s and prior, that parenting style is understandable. But it is FAR from an LDS issue. It is an issue of shifting societal norms, coupled with incapable parenting. Lots of LDS are taught sex is good, however, because of its purposes (yes, plural, not just one purpose), it is to be reserved for marriage.

I realize that it's not just an LDS issue. There are many conservative Christians who go overboard with their promotion of abstinence before marriage to the point that any talk of sex is viewed as taboo. If you don't believe me, look at the sex-ed debate that's been taking place in this country over the past few years.

The education problem exists on the other side of the spectrum as well with parents who don't care what their kids so and never teach them about responsible sexual activity. Their kids don't take sex seriously and the result is an unfortunate teen pregnancy rate.

Abnormal according to whom? What standard? Even LDS are marrying at older ages than has been ‘normal’ for the majority of human history! And you are calling LDS marriage age abnormal? The shift to later and later ages for marriages is, truthfully, what is out of the norm.

The average age at marriage has been 25+ for women for nearly 15 years, and 25+ for men since the early 80's (source). I don't know what the statistics are for LDS. I may be biased on this issue because quite a few LDS girls that I grew up with were married before the age of 20. It's a touchy subject for me, and I apologize if I allowed that to cloud my objectivity.

And how is engaging in sex prior to being mature enough for marriage not the exact same ‘problem’ you are excoriating?

It’s interesting that you would spin the topic to build upon potential negatives, but pretend that there are not equal, or I would even argue, greater negative effects from following ‘new age’ ideals.

Just to be clear, I am NOT advocating pre-marital sex, or any other behavior that would be contrary to Church standards. I'm simply advocating sexual openness through communication (not practice) between young adults who are planning to wed. Good sexual health is an important part of making a marriage successful. All I'm saying is that people shouldn't jump into the intimacy that comes with marriage without talking about it before hand and reaching some sort of comfort level through communication. Edited by Godless

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If that was your experience, I’m sorry. That’s unfortunate. Sorry to criticize your parents, but that is bad parenting in this day and age. With the hush-hush of the 50’s and prior, that parenting style is understandable. But it is FAR from an LDS issue. It is an issue of shifting societal norms, coupled with incapable parenting. Lots of LDS are taught sex is good, however, because of its purposes (yes, plural, not just one purpose), it is to be reserved for marriage.

My parents educated us about the physical aspects of sex and the reasons why we are only commanded to do so within the bonds of marriage. I wouldn't accuse them of bad parenting in this regard at all. STILL, my personal view of sexual matters prior to marriage was formed from my own dating experiences. I was always the one to say "stop" and hold the line when getting close to someone physically. My parents never told me sex was bad or evil, but it sure got to be a chore when the experiences I had were made up of me always saying, "I'm sorry but we need to stop" or "I really can't do that." Maybe I dated scumbags (doubt it - most of them were active LDS guys), but it seemed like every guy was ok with whatever limits I would set rather than holding any line of his own. It placed the responsibility on me and frankly, it was frustrating. Guys seemed to assume that I didn't WANT the physical things past a certain point when that couldn't have been farther from the truth. I wanted to, I just couldn't let myself.

So, without anybody telling me that sex was "BAD" I went into marriage with feelings that were very difficult to suddenly change. I didn't think sex was bad and I looked forward to it. I understood that it can be a wonderful thing in marriage and thought I was prepared to make that switch, but it proved to be MUCH harder than I ever anticipated.

Abnormal according to whom? What standard? Even LDS are marrying at older ages than has been ‘normal’ for the majority of human history! And you are calling LDS marriage age abnormal? The shift to later and later ages for marriages is, truthfully, what is out of the norm.

I dunno, I'm still pretty worried for the massive amounts of people that I hear about getting married between high school and their very early 20's. I didn't feel like I had some social pressure to get married by 21, but the reasons TO get married sooner once I was dating my husband seemed to outweigh the reasons not to. The one that tipped the scales in my mind was "This is what we're commanded to do. If I'm obeying a commandment and I THINK I'm making a smart choice here, why shouldn't we?" Let's not get into the flaws in my 21 year old logic was, but rather suggest how I could have known better and what I could have done to change the feelings I had about intimacy. Hindsight is all well and good, but how can I as a parent impact my child's life to help create a different result?

It’s interesting that you would spin the topic to build upon potential negatives, but pretend that there are not equal, or I would even argue, greater negative effects from following ‘new age’ ideals.

It sounded to me like Godless was saying that regardless of when the choice is made to become sexually active, people need to be prepared for the adjustment, physically and emotionally.

Edited by Honor

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Hindsight is all well and good, but how can I as a parent impact my child's life to help create a different result?

One way is to be open about sex with your child in age appropriate language. If you are embarrassed to talk to your child about sex, then do what you need to do to get over it (you is general and not specific).

My bff has a daughter and when she was 12 asked her father how long sex lasted. Out of the blue. To her FATHER! I was so impressed that she felt comfortable enough to ask her dad a question about sex. He didn't panic, act embarrassed or anything. Simply answered her as best as she could understand (and needed) at age 12.

That is open communication and a step in the right direction for this daughter to adjust appropriately when the time is right.

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Attitudes about sex are really interesting and how our parents teach us is ususally reflective of how they were taught. The world and its youth don't exactly do the best job representing the truth about sex or the best ways to manage sex just because they talk about it all the time.

I have to talk to my kids about sex. Much earlier than I wanted to. It's just the world we live in.

I personally think that ones ability to talk about sex before marriage is an indicator of how they'll deal with it after marriage. But its about balance too. Talking about sex isn't necessarily healthy. Knowing how, when, and with whom to discuss the subject is just as important as answering those questions about the act itself.

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To OP.

I was adopted to older parents, both being in their late 30's and early 40's. While my father was the conservative and my mother the liberal, they both decided to teach me and my sister the importance of "abstinence" as opposed to simply using "safe sex". However, we were always free and more than welcomed to ask questions about sex—it was never a taboo subject.

As for discussing intimacy prior to marriage.. How do you even start that conversation? Does one person talk about how driven their libido is and the other admit to lacking one? Do you nonchalantly talk about positions and types of foreplay you're willing to try and those that you aren't? To me, this kind of discussion just isn't appropriate unless you're husband and wife. At which point, you can then discuss the intimate details of your sex life and what you are both comfortable with.

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As for discussing intimacy prior to marriage.. How do you even start that conversation? Does one person talk about how driven their libido is and the other admit to lacking one? Do you nonchalantly talk about positions and types of foreplay you're willing to try and those that you aren't? To me, this kind of discussion just isn't appropriate unless you're husband and wife.

For me and my now-husband, it wasn't that detailed; it was more like, "What are we expecting? What kind of attitudes do we have about this? How did our parents raise us to think about intimacy?"

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