Newbie, Infidelity/adultery issue

[sapooler]

Hi. I am new to the group, found it as I was searching for any LDS forum about surviving Infidelity/ adultery. Not really sure what I am looking for but I know that I am looking. Not really wanting to talk about it with people that know my Husband and I but need to talk. Its been 6 months since his affair and I just am not getting past it. Do any of you have stories either success or failure to share with me? Any advice on how you forgive and move on from the most personal deceit and betrayal ever??? I have prayed and got blessing and prayed more...it still pops in my head daily and I am not sure I can move on. To top it off I found out I was pregnant (makes 4) 2 weeks after I found out about the affair. So needless to say I am a walking emotional bomb!! LOL I look forward to reading your stories and getting to know you all.

[gwoods]

hi my name is gordon. i think i understand your grief. please let me explain how important this relationship is. you need to forgive but as his wife you need to teach him. consider using this paper to help him know that he must repent and be sealed to you.

Is it good to be alone?

It seems that everyone, given the choice, wants companionship. In fact, the question posed by the title of this chapter brings to the heart of those that have given it sufficient thought, a dread ranking second to few other fears. In the arena of normal relationships being without a spouse is akin to the loneliness of solitary confinement. President Gordon B. Hinckley speaking of the doctrine of eternal marriage, the only permanent antidote for being alone, said: “I think that if we had the capacity to teach effectively this one doctrine, it would capture the interest of millions of husbands and wives who love one another and who love their children, but whose marriage is in effect only "until death do you part."

Marriage is universal, except in rare cases everyone marries. Most of us have no desire to be alone; we are not content except as a couple. Marriage is all-important and yet every wedding ceremony includes the statement: “until death do you part”? What does this termination clause mean and how did it become part of these legal contracts? Surely those that “love one another” will still be married after death?

Questions like these reflect the uneasiness of this great Christian mystery: why did God, in Genesis 2, declare; “It is not good that the man should be alone;” and then, during His mortal ministry, teach that men and women will not be married after the resurrection? For all that profess to be Christian, the following verses, from the bible, must be accepted as the Lord’s law regarding marriage.

Matt. 22:29 Jesus answered and said unto them, Ye do err, not knowing the scriptures, nor the power of God. 30 For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven.

Mark 12:25 For when they shall rise from the dead, they neither marry, nor are given in marriage; but are as the angels which are in heaven.

Luke 20:34 And Jesus answering said unto them, The children of this world marry, and are given in marriage: 35 But they which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world, and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage:

When asked, “whose wife shall she be”, the Savior’s answer was that after the resurrection she wouldn’t be married to anyone. His answer, recorded three times in the New Testament, instituted what eventually became the termination cause, “until death do you part,” in marriage ceremonies.

There are some that “err, not knowing the scriptures,” who take it upon themselves to create a God, of their own design. They say, “God won’t separate my family because we love each other,” they are satisfied that marriage by earthly authority, in spite of these verses, will be recognized by the Lord. They are convinced that a loving God would never separate married couples that love each other.

Take a few minutes and ponder each of these questions:

o Have you ever felt concern about being alone forever?

From childhood, visions of future options revolved around one constant; marriage, plans fail, goals change but the intent to marry was never permanently cancelled. Marriage is never intended to be temporary, but even following the unhappiness of a divorce it once again finds its way back to the top of our priority list. In the book of Matthew we read: “Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh;” only in marriage do we find that sense of being complete. All are born and grow to adulthood feeling that until they’re married they’re not quite whole.

o Do thoughts about your own future hinge on the dread of being alone?

In spite of the hard work, the challenges, and the occasional disappointments associated, even with good marriages, men and women devote their whole life to preserving these covenant relationships.

o Do these New Testament scriptures make being alone forever inevitable?

We all know older couples that, as they approach the end of their lives together, cling to each other for dear life. Because of their love for one another and the dread of being alone, they willingly expend all their combined resources to delay the inevitable separation.

o In the light of these questions, do you fear anything more than being alone …forever?

As members of the Lord’s church we often speak of going back to Heavenly Father’s presence. We talk and teach and think eternal marriage but we seldom even consider being eternally alone. We really have no way of knowing anything about living in the presence of exalted beings, nor do we have, even in the scriptures, a description of what a celestial world will look like but we all know from experience, what being alone feels like. It’s a terrible empty feeling that gets worse the longer it lasts.

These questions, included to provoke thought, when given sincere attention make one shudder at the very thought of the weeping inherent in being alone forever. They bring to mind this sobering realization: either my marriage is forever or it isn’t. Fortunately for mankind Jesus Christ redeemed us not only from death but also from the hell of being “alone”.

Along side the Lord’s law governing civil marriage, stands the biblical key to the doctrine of eternal marriage. Six days before the Savior took Peter, James, and John into a high mountain apart "and was transfigured before them” He promised Peter: “I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven”. Keys to bind; modern inspiration tells us that the keys of Melchizedek Priesthood ordinances were given to Peter, James, and John under the administration of the Savior, Moses, and Elias.

Even those that claim the authority held anciently by Saint Peter don’t profess possession of the power to perform marriages that will be valid beyond this mortal life. More questions: if marriage covenants are binding after death why then did Jesus teach that they weren’t, why is there a termination statement in all-wedding ceremonies, and why did the Lord deem it necessary to bestow the authority to “bind …in heaven”, upon His apostles? If the Lord truly values families and patriarchal lineage, which is really the theme of the Bible, then wouldn’t He, in spite of His New Testament teachings, provide a means to “bind” families together forever. Is there any way for our marriages here to be, “bound in heaven”? The answer is yes; the Savior was speaking of the power to “bind” in this life for the life to come. The authority to “bind on earth” is the priesthood authority given to the Mortal Messiah’s chief apostles to seal couples and their children together “in heaven.”

But, what of those that won’t believe the words spoken by the Lord, are they to be separated forever at death? The thought of marriages being dissolved seems harsh and unloving until we understand that the Lord in his love for mankind, by the power of the atonement, has restored the priesthood authority to, if accepted, seal husbands and wives together forever. Eternal marriage is an essential part of the Lord’s plan of salvation.

For the countless ages of our pre-mortal existence we were all separate single individuals. As we prepared for our mortal sojourn here on earth we must have anxiously looked forward to possessing this body and to the countless sensations associated with a physical existence. I submit that more than anything else we anticipated that great day when we could finally become a couple; when we would be flesh, not “twain, but one flesh.” We lived for millennia in the presence of our Heavenly father and other glorified beings of flesh and bone; we witnessed first hand an exalted existence and yearned to experience the “fullness of joy” we saw in their lives, and because we brought these pre-mortal longings with us; we came to earth, literally wired to be a couple. I would further submit that when we leave this life our desire for companionship will not only go with us, but because of our mortal experiences, it will now be stamped into our very being.

We came to earth with the promise that, if accepted, the Lord’s plan would allow us to return to his presence and spend eternity sealed to someone we love. The plan has never been to dissolve marriages between couples that love each other. From before time He has provided the means, in his Kingdom, for marriages to be eternal. However, if by choice, the plan with its associated covenants is rejected our fate is to return to the single separate pre-mortal condition we came from; in the mortal Christ’s own words: “they neither marry, nor are given in marriage”. He was speaking of anyone that has been married, in this earthly kingdom, by earthly authority only. The scriptures are clear that this “being alone” will be forever.

Modern scripture provides true doctrine about the consequences of marriages performed by earthly authority only. Note the correlation with the New Testament scriptures: ”therefore, if a man marry him a wife in the world, and he marry her not by me nor by my word, and he covenant with her so long as he is in the world and she with him, their covenant and marriage are not of force when they are dead… 16 Therefore, when they are out of the world they neither marry nor are given in marriage; but are appointed angels… 17 For these angels did not abide my law; therefore, they cannot be enlarged, but remain separately and singly, without exaltation… Joseph Fielding Smith interprets ancient and modern scripture, regarding marriage performed by earthly authority, with this warning: Unless young people who marry outside the temple speedily repent, they cut themselves off from exaltation in the celestial kingdom of God… …When they marry outside of the temple, they cut themselves off. If they are content with that kind of marriage outside, when they come forth in the resurrection, they have no claim upon each other, or their children upon them, and there will be weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth. The Lord further decreed: "Except ye abide my law ye cannot attain to this glory"

Love for my wife, Christine, and my desire to spend eternity with her keeps the future in an eternal perspective. I think we could easily, in the verse, “it is not good that the man should be alone,” replace the words “not good” with the word, dreadful. I hope this dread, of a future without the love of my life, is part of the broken heart the Lord requires of me. Along with the prospect of being forever “alone” comes, sober contrition and an urgency to “do what ever it takes” to avoid it.

The Savior established Priesthood authority anciently and it has now been restored again to the earth. One of its purposes is to seal husbands and wives together forever. Like mankind in all previous dispensations, we are given choices. The choices are: a “fullness of joy” or to be “alone” forever, great care must be taken as these choices have eternal consequences.

So, is it good to be alone, forever? The answer, from an eternal perspective, is no. Can this being alone be avoided, forever? The answer, from an eternal perspective, is yes.

[sapooler]

Thank you. We aren't sealed yet, been married 5 years and I finally got my temple recommend and he has the affair around the same time. He says he wants us to be sealed and thats what we always worked for but I just don't know anymore. He went to Bishops court and after meditation and prayer the council decided no action would be taken except 3 months no sacrament, or prayer in public and to read BOM and give priesthood blessings at home. They felt his sorrow and felt he was repenting as he should and it was all spiritual and emotional. He is able to get his recommend back now. I know he is sorry and all and is repenting, I just can't move on. I NEVER thought he would do this, there was no warning and he actually was cheated on his first marriage and they were sealed. He swore he would never put me through what he went through. But he did, and now I can't help but think, "never say never" and he did it once he could do it again.

[sapooler]

Thanks for the article, it is very well put. I know its not in our nature to be alone, and I don't want to be alone. But when your spouse turns to another no matter how long or short that turning is, it brings a sense of loneliness that is deep and dark and painful. Could I spend eternity with a man that didn't cherish me enough to remain faithful? I don't know right now.

[ryanh]

So sorry you have to fight this. Are there other problems in the marriage? Just looking to see if there are underlying issues that could explain the willingness to cheat. (and are you sure it was him that was cheated on? or perhaps did his last one end because of his infidelity?)

Not having personal experience, I offer up the best free resource I have ever run across for dealing with infidelity.

http://peterfox.com.au/fidelity.html

[sapooler]

Thats whats so confusing is that up until the affair I thought we had a pretty great marriage. We never argue, some disagreements about money and what not but nothing crazy. He works for a Nascar Team and is gone pretty much 80% of the time from Feb to Nov being home in spurts and a few days out of the week. Never on the weekend, never on Sunday so he doesn't get that spiritual "fix" that we all need. We chat thru phone, txt, email and webcam when he is away. This girl is a huge fan of the Nascar Driver he works for and she sought my husband out but thats no excuse..."She approached me" doesn't matter to me. He ended up telling me of the affair out of sorrow and guilt right when it turned from "flirting" to intimacy.

He was the one cheated on in his first marriage, I know that for a fact...talked to ex wife.

Thanks for the link

[Bini]

Sorry you're going through this. My first marriage was riddled with infidelity and abuse from my ex.

If both of you have decided to work on your marriage and not call it quits, maybe you could find a way to stay in better contact with each other during the long periods that your family is apart? Maybe doing something like SKYPE every couple nights would work? Then your husband can "see" you and your kids. Much better than just hearing a voice periodically..

[Wisc]

Affairs dont just happen. they are ALWAYS the sign of a deeper pre-existing issue. This unseen issue could range from "his testimony...or financial stress....feelings of not getting enough attention from you....or even as simple as he's a horn dog and just followed his carnal instincts." Whatever it was that started him down this path THATS what needs to be discovered and addressed. Just know that even if the sincere and honest spark that started this "fire" was something like "he didnt feel enough attention from you" remember that that was HIS PROBLEM and he should have talked to you about it not strayed.

Good luck and I'll be thinking of you.

[Marchman]

I'm sorry to hear that this has happened to you. So far as you can see that our hearts reach out for you in your difficult time. Now I've never been in a situation where infidelity has come to me in my personal life, but I've had some situations that happened to me where I felt very alone, depressed, felt like I couldn't move on. I felt " stuck in second gear". This was a situation that happened on my mission and it was very traumatic for me.

I think your doing the right things: reaching to god, talking to others about it. This is going to take some time to heal from. You have gone through, and still are somewhat going through, something that is testing your emotions. As far as you have texted it looks like you are trying to make things work and I admire your strength in wanting to salvage as much as you have in your realationship.

I know though that the healing power of the Atonement is a real thing. I know that the Savior in our most troubled and deepest moments still has the ability to heal people like you and others. I just encourage you to hang tight. The lord will answer your prayers; just know that answers to prayers sometimes can be a process that we have to be patient with. Keep praying and feeling for the promptings of the spirit.