When you marry, what would you love in your mother-in-law?


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I look forward to the day my son marries. I want to be a wonderful mother-in-law and have a good relationship with my daughter-in-law. I never had a daughter, so it would be beautiful to have her be like a daughter in some ways. I read so much negative about mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships though. It seems there is so much stress in such relationships. I hope and pray that whomever my son eventually marries turns out to be someone who can love me as I am and whom I can love also.

What would you hope for in a wonderful mother-in-law?

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What would you hope for in a wonderful mother-in-law?

I know I'd be the son, not the daughter. But a big one is to realize that they have left mother and father and cleaved unto each other. Most of what I hear (or at least a large part) is MIL not agreeing with some decision or other that the daughter has made, don't you know the right way to potty train little Timmy? How dare you have a fight with my poor Son? and various other things along that vein. Also for your son, she takes precedence over you and she should be his greatest confidant.

In short meddling. Where is the line between advice and meddling? I don't know.

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I look forward to the day my son marries. I want to be a wonderful mother-in-law and have a good relationship with my daughter-in-law. I never had a daughter, so it would be beautiful to have her be like a daughter in some ways. I read so much negative about mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships though. It seems there is so much stress in such relationships. I hope and pray that whomever my son eventually marries turns out to be someone who can love me as I am and whom I can love also.

What would you hope for in a wonderful mother-in-law?

First of all, congrats on your son's wedding... and kudos to you for trying to become the best mother-in-law that you can.

Second, I think the best example of a wonderful mother-in-law is Lucy Mack Smith in my opinion. That and if you always bring the Lord in your relationship and pray for your daughter-in-law you can't go wrong.

But here are some "Try Not to Do's" that a lot of my friends and I agree on:

1. Please don't criticize us... we're trying. (Note: Advice is good... criticism is bad. Comparisons are bad.)

2. Your family's ways are not the only ways... We are trying to establish a new family together so let us learn by trial and error.

3. If our husbands complain about us, which they will because we are human, please listen, but don't join in on the complaints. Instead encourage your sons to fight for us.... to make up with us... to maybe consider our side.

4. Don't take what we do as offensive... we're just different, we show our love differently, we raise children differently... we buy gifts differently. Instead, give us a chance and ask us about what we have done and give us a chance to explain.

5. Expect us to be like your daughters or other daughter-in-laws... No body is the same and no body reacts the same.

6. Don't compete with us. He will always be your son, but we need to establish ourselves as his wife... We are not competing for his attention, we are trying to create a new life with our husbands.

As for me personally, I would love to have a loving mother-in-law, someone who hugs and makes me feel included in family gatherings... someone who I can learn from and bake with... someone who would teach me my husband's favorite dishes.

Someone whom I can trust with my children. Someone whom I can pray with and go to the temple with.

Someone who understands that I want to be part of her family.

But most of all... someone who loves me and likes me for who I am, because she knows that I only want what best for my husband.

Edited by dreiko
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6. Don't compete with us. He will always be your son, but we need to establish ourselves as his wife... We are not competing for his attention, we are trying to create a new life with our husbands.

Yep.

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

And:

to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly

Edited by Dravin
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I look forward to the day my son marries. I want to be a wonderful mother-in-law and have a good relationship with my daughter-in-law. I never had a daughter, so it would be beautiful to have her be like a daughter in some ways. I read so much negative about mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships though. It seems there is so much stress in such relationships. I hope and pray that whomever my son eventually marries turns out to be someone who can love me as I am and whom I can love also.

What would you hope for in a wonderful mother-in-law?

- Don't be overprotective of your son. He's a man. Let him be one. And that means dealing with real life struggles. He doesn't need you to run and save things or blame his wife when things aren't rosy.

-Watch your expectations and how you may inadvertently superimpose them. If you "need" your DIL to behave a certain way or be "like a daughter" and then she doesn't or can't or whatever, then you set yourself up for unnecessary conflict or hurt feelings. Let the relationship be what it will be and leave the door open for growth. If she does become like a daughter, you are blessed.

-Respect boundaries and keep healthy ones for yourself. Stay out of their conflicts, their bank accounts, their new family system, and their parenting. Even if you were invited in.

-Let her do it her way and make her own mistakes without your disapproval. And let the love between her and your son be its own kind of beautiful. And if your DIL is good at something that threatens you, remember that your emotions are about your own insecurity and not hers.

-Allow your DIL to be imperfect and to have struggles without comparisons or judgements or gossip or overbearing influence from you.

-Don't be disturbed if your relationship with her isn't always smooth. Allow it to have its ups and downs and be ok with the normal flow. Deal with the conflict using understanding, patience, and openmindedness.

-If there is conflict or they aren't doing what you want, don't play one against the other. Don't manipulate to get your way. Don't use guilt and shame in your communication. Don't be a martyr and don't play the victim.

-Say you are sorry when its appropriate and let things go when its time. No one wants a hidden case against them...one that is used every time they blow it.

- Don't put presssure on yourself to be the perfect MIL. You will make mistakes and grow through the experience. Allow all of it to be a blessing to you. Most of us say "I'd never do that!".....and then we do. :D It's all good.

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Guest mirancs8

The best quality in a mother in law (husband's mother especially LOL!) is to not try and control her son even after he is married. To stay out of their marriage and let them live their lives. Though I never had issues with my mother in law I put the law down from the beginning with her so she knew better:)

As a husband YOU have to make you mother aware that you are no longer her sweet little boy and that you are now married. I have 2 boys and I never want to be a fixture in their marriages. It's their lives! Unless they come to me seeking advice and such I would keep out of their lives.

You do not want your sons wife to think that she has to live up to your standards. It's her husband she must please... NOT YOU :)

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My mother in law has greatly contributed to the approaching end of my marriage. If I could turn back time and answer this question to her, it would be, what I would value most would be her determination to respect the proprietary boundaries of my family.

The way I see it, every healthy marriage consists of a three way relationship consisting of Husband, Wife, and God, all linked to each other at the same time. If at any time the husband or wife lets go of the other, if everyone is still holding on to God, there remains the opportunity for husband and wife to reconnect with each other. I also believe that the relationship between husband and wife supersedes all other mortal relationships, including even their own children.

I've drawn a diagram of this before to explain it to a neighbor who was a bit too interested in my wife. In the center I drew the aforementioned triangle. Around that I drew a circle and labeled it "children". Around that I drew a circle and labeled it "relatives (including parents of the husband and wife) and close friends". Around that I drew a circle and labeled it "other friends and acquaintences". I told him that for me, he was in that last circle, but was attempting to come between me and my wife in the center.

My mother in law has done the same thing, even if beginning her approach from a more central circle. It hasn't helped that my wife has cleaved unto her instead of me. For example, when my wife and I were first married, we both hated country music. But after a visit to her parents house, out of state, she came back liking it. Sounds like something trivial, but it was little things like that which snowballed into my wife leaving me with our kids to go live with her mom because she loves her more than me.

My mother in law ought to have encouraged, and even demanded that my wife come back to me, but she has been too happy to have her daughter back with the grandkids to boot. My mother in law and my wife have done all day Temple trips at the nearby Temple, making the same covenants every other endowed LDS makes, so you know what I'm talking about. Neither one of them has noticed or cared that my wife is violating her Temple covenants. At the very least I would hope my mother in law would be cognizant of that. But there seems to be a matriarchal order where they live, and I have seen it filter out respect for men and Priesthood. Maybe they're just so immersed in that philosophy that they can't see.

At any rate, that's my advice. Once your son marries, be sure to remember that his relationship with his wife comes before his relationship with you, and that you must not allow yourself to do anything that will adversely affect his marriage. Interfering would be a disservice not only to your daughter in law, but to your son too.

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