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WillowTheWhisp

What would you think of this?

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My daughter (18) has several friends who have reached missionary age. One young man she is quite close to and wanted to give him a RWH ring before he leaves but she does not know his ring size. One day she noticed his Dad logged into Facebook so she sent him a message asking if he knew his son's ring size. The reply she got was "wot u wanna no 4?" which she thought was an odd way to speak for a middle-aged man so she asked me what I thought. I said perhaps he'd left his computer logged on and one of the kids had gone on there. She agreed with me and replied to the message that she just wanted to get him a surprise before he went on his mision and left it at that.

A couple of days later she was online and got a message from the father, same kind of text talk, saying he didn't know the ring size but supposed he could suck his son's finger and then measure the hole it left in his lips. There were other things which seemed to have crude undertones. Now I was convinced that was a youngster trying to be funny in a distasteful way and told her to ignore it. Then she got a text message from the son. His Dad had asked him about ring size and told him why my daughter wanted to know. The son confirmed that those messages had really been from his father.

I felt very uneasy about that and that a supposedly respectable middle aged man, EQP would talk to my daughter like that online leaving her feeling so uneasy. Would anyone else feel the same? The son says other people have been offended by his Dad's sense of humour but he means nothing by it. The Mother and Father are divorced and the son lives with his Dad which has had me wondering what his upbringing has been like.

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not sure what to tell ya other than that would make me very uncomfortable as well. gut reactions would be to pray about it, maybe talk to the son a bit more, depending on where those went maybe talk to the bishop. the only reason i say talk to the bishop is the dad is in positions of authority over others. that kind of behavior to me would suggest either mentally unstable or a bit of a perv; either way the bishop should be aware that his elq pres is making ppl very very uncomfortable.

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I would be put off too but as your sig says.

What you think you heard me say may not necessarily be what I thought I meant.

I had a family dinner with the inlaws once and said something out sitting at the end of the table next to grandma and my wifes grandfather replies with, yeah we don't want you on our end you just sit there because you are a pervert.That's ok so is she." (or something to that effect).

Does he think i'm making a pass at his 90 year old mother:eek: what's going on?

Come to find out, after his wife noticed the confused look on my face., where and when he grew up the term pervert was used as slang for lefties, because we are "aren't normal".

So you might be reading to much into what he meant. The finger thing might sound dirty to you but he may have meant it in the same way if your daughter was going to buy him a hat he would say "put him in a head lock and measure the hole your arm makes."

Take a look at the RS forum garment thread and see how easily different words and phrases can be misconstrued

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It makes you wonder if the son is aware of the inappropriateness but since it's his father he is making excuses or covering up for him.

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you can still talk to his bishop. but i would pray about that before doing it.

my concerns with it is he sounds like he may be trying to sound/be younger. he's trying to fit in with what is popular (media would have you believe that most worldly young ppl talk like that and use crude undertones to everything). i guess i could see a divorced middle aged man going through some mid life crisis and going that direction. thus his comments really would be just what the son said, nothing meant by it. that being said an eqp ought to know better.

another thought on why a man to talk and act that way is he's trying to get the attention of the younger crowd. if he's got teen children and being divorced he might be trying to be "cool" and be their friend instead of parent. which isn't uncommon. again an eqp ought to know better.

and then the fear that most ppl have in the world today. he wants the attention and to be cool with the younger crowd cause he's up to something. by using crude humor he can judge how ppl respond to it, if it's negative he can say "didn't mean anything..." but if they play the game then he knows where potential victims are.

though i consider the worst case scenario i try not to run with that as my first guess as to what is going on. i'd try to take the son at face value and that he "means nothing by it" which means he's very immature. he needs someone to talk to him and get him straight, help him deal with the divorce or whatever is haunting him. just a quick call to his bishop could be that catalyst. "hey bishop, wanted to talk to you about something that happened. ..... it's probably nothing but it made my daughter and me very uncomfortable. just wanted you to know..." then leave it there and keep a close eye on him when it comes to your daughter.

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Guest Alana

I'd just stay away from the dad, not let your daughter go over to their house, and leave it at that. What else is there to do? It could be all a misinterpretation, or it might not, or somewhere in the middle. No way to tell for sure and it's not like your daughter is in a position where she has to be around the father. Yes, it's a weird situation that would leave me feeling uneasy, but simply avoiding further contact seems the easiest and most effective.

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I'd just stay away from the dad, not let your daughter go over to their house, and leave it at that. What else is there to do? It could be all a misinterpretation, or it might not, or somewhere in the middle. No way to tell for sure and it's not like your daughter is in a position where she has to be around the father. Yes, it's a weird situation that would leave me feeling uneasy, but simply avoiding further contact seems the easiest and most effective.

That's exactly what I am feeling myself. She has visited their home, stayed for the weekend when the older sister got married. I said I wouldn't be happy about her doing that again and she says neither would she. That weekend was so full of people the Dad never actually spoke to her apart from to say hello.

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Many times sons grow up to be like their dads. I would be somewhat concerned about how far the apple has fallen from the tree. The son may be fine, but it would be something to consider.

Unfortunately I also feel like this. Up to now I have liked the son and entertained hopes that he and my daughter might be more than friends when he gets back off his mission. But now I'm less enthusiastic about the idea and thinking that if he thinks it's OK for his Dad to say those kind of things to her then what are the standards he was brought up with and how will he behave at that age.

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Unfortunately I also feel like this. Up to now I have liked the son and entertained hopes that he and my daughter might be more than friends when he gets back off his mission. But now I'm less enthusiastic about the idea and thinking that if he thinks it's OK for his Dad to say those kind of things to her then what are the standards he was brought up with and how will he behave at that age.

First off let me just say that for better or for worse I am NOT ANYTHING like my father in almost every way. So even if this guy proves to be a perv his son may be harmless. What you MUST remember though is if your daughter did ride off into the sunset into happily ever after land with this son... the dad will be very much a part of her life at that point. And there are in-numeral amounts of time when a daughter and father-in-law might be caught either alone or at least have the opportunities to become alone together. Not to mention the very real and eventual cases of Grandpa and grandchild interaction.

I do not advocate quickness to judge; however if a grown man speaks of sucking fingers to measure the size of a hole... there is only one or two ways that can be interpreted and both of those ways are deviant and erotic in nature. Period.

Soooo, I would go with the uneasy gut feeling you got because those kinds of gut feelings are almost always dead on. Its instinctual just like in nature. Heavenly Father guides us and prompts us by the Spirit, but he also gave us instinct. And just like a wild animal sensing danger lurking in the tall grass even though its unseen, you may be sensing a real threat lurking behind the smile and the pretense of being a "good latter day saint"

Im farrrrr from sensitive and I have a checkered past and have been exposed to the world's sense of humor most of my life and even I was given a jolt when I read what this "father" said to your daughter.

Just my thoughts.

Edited by Wisc

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You have a couple options, and all of them are simple. Tell your daughter to stay away from the young man's dad, or call the guy up and express your concern.

There is so much damage that can be done from thinking you know what people mean by their comments. Instead of attempting to interpret what he meant, just ask him. If he is creepy, then keep your daughter away from him.

I think it's ridiculous to assume that the kid is like the dad. Judge him based on his own merits and his own character. Obviously we all learn from our parents, but that doesnt mean we end up like them. Maybe the kid realizes his dad isnt a good example and is often inappropriate and now because of that example, the kid has decided he will be different. I would hate it if someone judged me based on something other than my own actions.

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First off let me just say that for better or for worse I am NOT ANYTHING like my father in almost every way.

Your profile says you're 22. I said the same thing when I was a young whippersnapper like you. If you lived with your dad while growing up, pieces of him inevitably rubbed off on you. You may not see or recognize them for 10-20 years, but they are there.

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You have a couple options, and all of them are simple. Tell your daughter to stay away from the young man's dad, or call the guy up and express your concern.

There is so much damage that can be done from thinking you know what people mean by their comments. Instead of attempting to interpret what he meant, just ask him. If he is creepy, then keep your daughter away from him.

I think it's ridiculous to assume that the kid is like the dad. Judge him based on his own merits and his own character. Obviously we all learn from our parents, but that doesnt mean we end up like them. Maybe the kid realizes his dad isnt a good example and is often inappropriate and now because of that example, the kid has decided he will be different. I would hate it if someone judged me based on something other than my own actions.

Go to the source and find out.

Best advice ever:twothumbsup:

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i agree with john doe.......including the whipper-snapper reply....lol.

i would be concerned about this young man growing up to be his dad.

and i would be concerned about what he might be saying on facebook to others as well.

to be honest ........i have said somethings here that shook a few people up, too.

sorry about that.

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My opinion is the boy is messing with your daughter. I don't know either one of them and maybe the dad is weird but it would not surprise me that the kid was on the dad's account and acting as the dad then denying it.

Ben Raines

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That is beyond pervy. I would say something to the dad directly, regardless of who it was it's something the dad needs to be aware of as being inappropriate. If it were one of the younger kids or his son, then he deserves to know how they are talking to young ladies. If it's HIM then it will make him aware of how offensively it can be perceived.

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I know people don't necesarily turn out like their parents. I know a great example of one guy who turned out nothing like his Dad - the father served a prison sentence for sex offences and the son (now adult) is a pillar of the community and worthy priesthood holder. On the other hand I know one man whose father was a child abuser and who has recently been convicted of the same thing. You can only judge people on their own merits. At least I can see that there are other people here who felt the same way I and my daughter did about what was said.

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My opinion is the boy is messing with your daughter. I don't know either one of them and maybe the dad is weird but it would not surprise me that the kid was on the dad's account and acting as the dad then denying it.

Ben Raines

Thats just creepy enough to be true. Excellent conclusion Ben! Perhaps the son saw the chance to "test the fence" as it were into what could and couldnt be gotten away with? See what her reply would be... Now, he could have done that to A. see if she was into it and then be able to engage in that sort of thing with her without fear of rejection or B he wanted to see if she was into it so that he could reject her. B is VERY unlikely because you'd have to be a genuine CREEP to think that way but only a horny perv to go with A.

Again, excellent hypothesis Ben.

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ok let's say it's the son testing her for whatever reason.... he knows he's on dad's acct and she will think she is talking to dad.... so... if she is into it thinking it's his dad..... ewwwwww what exactly would he then know about her?

remember this is a ym prepping for a mission, the whole point is to get him a farewell gift. i don't know about other guys but the ones i saw off on their missions took it very seriously, did everything they could to be perfect on the way out. that kind of talk doesn't fit.

if the ym had a tendency to think like that you don't think that would not have slipped out in some form in their past interactions? i think she would have been less surprised if he was like that. even if her thought was... "well now i know where he gets it his dad is an even bigger creep" but she didn't, the impression i got was she was in shock.

now if the guy has younger siblings that are creeps then i might be more willing to go with the someone else using his acct.

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The Dad has admitted to his son that it was him and that he was 'just having a laugh' with my daughter. To be perfectly honest I would not have expected it of the father because I know the son and imagined that his parents would be of similar standard, he has actually stayed at our house a few times and been out places with us. He is certainly serious about his mission and I've had some good long discussions with him on gospel related subjects. I don't know if his Dad told him exactly what was said but he did say that he'd asked his Dad to apologise and a little later my daughter got a text from the Dad. I got the feeling the son was annoyed that his Father had upset my daughter but was trying to smooth things over and hoping she would accept that it was just bad taste in humour. The family live quite a long way from us and I have never met either parent as both live in the same geographical area.

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I'd be careful to make too many assumptions when there is so much information missing. I definitely understand why the comment is unsettling, it makes me uncomfortable just reading it. To me, going to the Bishop seems extreme as there is no certainty as to who the culprit is. The boy claims his dad, who you've never met, said these things. Seems a little presumptuous to accuse without even talking with the dad. (Although, I know your daughter's safety comes first, and that all other things are secondary.) You may want to call and speak with the boy's father. He may not respond truthfully, however you'll probably be able to gauge the situation better through his response. I think that keeping your daughter from visiting the young man at his home would be wise, given that the comments most assuredly were made by someone at his house. Even if you're against calling, Gwen is absolutely right. Prayer is vital in this situation.

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