Perturbed

[JudoMinja]

Update: Getting Ticked

So the not so firm conversation didn't work. It seemed like it did at first, then he left for a visit to his family out of state for two weeks. Just before leaving, he sent me a text message commenting that a Sister in his ward (mother of one of his friends) said I should be more "responsive". This finally pushed me into the harsh confrontation that was needed, but even that hasn't worked.

I told him in these words "We are not together. We are not a couple. I'm still married. Stop vying for my attention. Stop trying to win my love. I'm not interested." He still didn't get it. My response to his text launched us into a heated conversation about our "standing" with one another, in which he insisted that this "fight" was good for "us". He also claimed that I just don't know what I want and eventually I will see. He said he couldn't believe how "mean" I was being and that I was making him out to be the bad guy. Told me that when I finally realized what a good guy he was he would be gone, and finally stated that my actions were being unfair to my son.

I countered all his claims and established that I have NO romantic interest in him, never will, and certainly don't want to date, but he STILL keeps pushing his boundaries. I was glad he was gone for two weeks and was hoping spending time away with his family would help him finally get his head on straight.

While he was gone, the institute teacher (the Sister) had a little conversation with me on his behalf. I couldn't believe it. First the text about a Sister in his ward, and now the institute instructor. He's pulling other people into this to try to pressure me into a relationship.

He's finally respecting the fact that we are just friends, but now I don't even want that. I want him out of my life completely. The only time I see or interact with him is at institute, and yesterday was his first day back. He gave me a bag of gifts for my son (his birthday is coming up). With the bag was a note from his mother. SHE wrote that she is concerned that I'm dragging my feet, stringing her son along, breaking his heart, and being unfair to... guess who? MY SON. Now I see where he gets it from.

I'm ticked. I want to tell both him and his mother off. My fear of confrontation is out the window. I'm fuming. I want to take them both and say:

Look. He's selfish, immature, insecure, desperate, emotionally needy and clingy, and emotionally manipulative. He's practically stalking me, and I'm ready to file harrassment charges. I've TOLD him I'm not interested. I've TOLD him I don't want anything more than friendship. If he's going to be heartbroken, that's his own fault. And as far as this unfair business goes, what you both really mean to say is that I'm being unfair to YOU. My son doesn't know any different. He's not even one. He doesn't care. Don't tell me I'm being unfair to him. I'm looking out for his best interests, and that doesn't include YOU. In fact, I don't even want to be friends. I want you to bug off and leave me alone.

However, I know when I actually get in front of him, this anger will dissipate and I'll be faced with my inability to handle confrontation all over again. I need help again! Any ideas? Thank you.

[RachelleDrew]

Uhhhh.

Why on EARTH did you accept the toys from him? That sends a very mixed message, especially to someone who is looking for any little sign that you are interested.

Me personally, I wouldn't have anything to do with this guy or his close family that has personal interest in the matter.

He's obviously unstable, let your bishop know that you are contemplating informing the police about this young man's behavior.

The next time this guy approaches you, tell him flat out not to contact you anymore for any reason. Platonic or romantic intent is not relevant. Also warn him that you will contact police if his contact continues.

Then don't talk to him anymore. Don't let your kid around him. This guy is NUTS.

[JudoMinja]

I know I shouldn't have accepted them, but he brought them into institute and I felt pressured, like I'd have to be a total jerk to reject them. And, lets face it, I'm a major chicken and avoid confrontation at all costs even though I know I shouldn't.

Plus, he's really good about being covert about all of this. No one else sees it but me. The only person who seems to be in full support of me wanting nothing to do with him is my counselor. I showed my mother our text conversation where I finally got blunt with him, saying I felt like he was being emotionally manipulative and she said she didn't think so- that he's just dense and pushy.

Nothing he does to push me is open or obvious. On the outside, he seems to be just a good guy, a friend interested in something more. It's when he tries to pull me aside, text me or write to me, and little comments he makes when he's playing with my son that really bothers me as it shows his true colors. Everyone around me seems to think I'm the one that doesn't have my head screwed on right, but my thoughts always come back to the one most important fact:

I'm still married! Yeah, I'm going to be divorced soon, but so what. I'm not supposed to be having problems like this, because I'm not supposed to have a relationship. The fact that he keeps pushing for it is evidence enough that something is wrong. I can't be friends with someone who doesn't know how to be just friends, but I can't do anything else to make him stop without looking like a psycho.

[beefche]

Here's what you do. Block his number from your phone. Do not answer any texts, emails, phone calls, etc. from him. De-friend him from facebook (if you both are on there). Do everything you can to just get rid of him from a technology standpoint.

Then, stop talking to him. In fact, personally, I would avoid going to institute. Study on my own for a while until this dies down. You have told him bluntly you want nothing to do with him and he is continuing. If he comes to church and tries to talk to you, walk away. Don't engage him in any conversation. No matter what he says. When someone comes to you to talk on his behalf, tell them, "I appreciate your concern, but this is a personal matter." and leave it at that.

Tell your bishop and any other person at church you think needs to know that you feel extremely uncomfortable with this man and you are trying to cut him out of your life.

The trick is do not engage him in any conversation--don't try to defend yourself verbally, don't justify what/why you are doing it, don't try to make him feel better, there is absolutely no reason to have any conversation with him. None.

[Guest mirancs8]

Ow boy this ones a real number isn't he! If you lived nearby I'd lend you my 9mm Glock because honey you really need it. This guy has serious issues!

I have confrontation issues as well but you have to do it no matter what. Like you said you are still considered "married" and he being so pushy with his agenda AND the physical touching at church is just overboard. It's disrespecting you as a woman to do that. Moreover he's disrespecting you in front of your family and those in your Ward who know you. Doesn't look good behaving that way in front of other and puts an imagine in their minds as to your role in all of this (being they don't know the story completely).

Sure he could have been a normal guy interested in you by keeping things at a respectful distance and respecting your wishes. At least then the guy would have had a chance once you are divorced, but instead he's acting like an inconsiderate jerk. If a man shows that much disrespect for my wishes I would be completely turned off. A man can feel how much you are letting him come close to you personally, and this guy is definitely not feeling it.

Maybe it's opposite day for him every day?

I am wondering what your Bishop has said to you about this. I would definitely have the Bishop aware of all of this. There may need to be an intervention with this guy.

I wish you luck! Be safe and don't like this prick bulldoze all over you when you are already going through such a struggle in your life right now. Getting divorced with a child is not easy to say the least... I know! If he REALLY cared for and loved you he would respect you and be there for you as a friend. When your divorce was final where you take it from there would be between you both.

/

Edited February 19, 2010 by mirancs8

[RachelleDrew]

I can't believe people in your church are thinking what he's doing is okay, when you are MARRIED and general authorities have counseled that divorced individuals aught to wait for around a year to begin dating again....You would think that on that token alone, even without the harassment, your church peers would tell you what he's doing isn't right.

Don't worry about not looking psycho. You've got to keep yourself and your son out of harms way, and this guy doesn't sound like he's all there.

[FairChild]

This man is an abuser, manipulator and very scary.

If he harasses you in church again, pull your bishop aside and hopefully a 2nd brother (perhaps one of your home teachers), go into the bishop's office and have a talk. Talk to your bishop and give him a heads up on what is happening here. Tell this man that you want no further contact and that includes no contact for your child or family.

Refuse any further contact from him. Start documenting. Talk to the PD and give them a heads up on what is happening. Ask them what can you do to help yourself stay safe. If your son is in school, I would take a picture of this man to the office and explain this person is to have no contact with your family. If he shows up or calls, please inform you of this.

Always carry a cell phone. On your list of contacts, I would use A 911 as the name and number for the police. By using the A as the first part of the name, it makes the phone number go to the top of the list. That way you won't have to look up the number, just punch it in. Talk to your child about the fact that this man is to have no more contact. Teach him how to dial 911. You need to explain that this person is not a good person for you to have a friendship with.

This is a really sick guy. Don't allow him to hurt you or your family. You need to stay safe. You can also call the local abuse shelter for advice on how to best handle him and protect yourself. Don't let manners or kindness get in the way of your safety.

[rameumptom]

Put all the toys in a bag or box. Drop them off at his house, or better, have a friend of yours take them back for you.

Send him an email telling him to desist from stalking you. Tell him that your next step will be to contact the police and getting a restraining order against him. If he doesn't believe you, follow through with the restraining order.

[JudoMinja]

Thanks again, everyone. As before, I think I was really looking for outside support for what I knew I already needed to do.

I will return the gifts, tell him that any further contact of any kind I will consider harrasment and have the police contacted. I will not take the time to explain myself to him, as I know he will attempt to wittle away at me if I give him the opportunity to seek an explanation. That will be it, end of converstaion. I already do not respond to texts or calls. I'm de-friending him on facebook now.

The only place I will see him at all is institute, and even though some of you have suggested avoiding institute for a while that's the one thing I don't think I can bring myself to do. I know he'll be there and he'll make it difficult for me for a few weeks, but I will at least see if my moms okay with watching my son on Wednesday nights for a few weeks so I don't have to bring him. (I usually bring him with me. He's really well behaved and turning one in a couple weeks.) That way, this guy won't have a way to try to segue into spending time with me while I'm there.

I will post another update in a few weeks to let you know if things finally worked out. Thank you all for your support.

[FairChild]

Stay safe. You are very important. FC

[CornMuffinsMama]

This man is an abuser, manipulator and very scary.

If he harasses you in church again, pull your bishop aside and hopefully a 2nd brother (perhaps one of your home teachers), go into the bishop's office and have a talk. Talk to your bishop and give him a heads up on what is happening here. Tell this man that you want no further contact and that includes no contact for your child or family.

Refuse any further contact from him. Start documenting. Talk to the PD and give them a heads up on what is happening. Ask them what can you do to help yourself stay safe. If your son is in school, I would take a picture of this man to the office and explain this person is to have no contact with your family. If he shows up or calls, please inform you of this.

Always carry a cell phone. On your list of contacts, I would use A 911 as the name and number for the police. By using the A as the first part of the name, it makes the phone number go to the top of the list. That way you won't have to look up the number, just punch it in. Talk to your child about the fact that this man is to have no more contact. Teach him how to dial 911. You need to explain that this person is not a good person for you to have a friendship with.

This is a really sick guy. Don't allow him to hurt you or your family. You need to stay safe. You can also call the local abuse shelter for advice on how to best handle him and protect yourself. Don't let manners or kindness get in the way of your safety.

I agree completely with this. I also think that anyone else who comes to talk to you or writes you or anything who is saying "You should be more responsive" or "Why are you dragging your feet" etc. needs to be given a good talking to about the absolute inappropriateness of what he's doing. What does the Bishop say about all this?

Also, is he still coming to your ward when he's supposed to be in another?