Can you forgive this way?


Bini
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I don't want to get too detailed about my personal life and dig up my past but I wanted your two cents on this.

Sometime ago I was involved with a man that was abusive. The relationship would not have ended unless my family came to my rescue and did an intervention. Now almost ten years later, I get a message on FB and it's from him. He wants to know where I am, how I'm doing and apologises several times for the past. Then he makes a request pleading that I respond back so he knows that he's forgiven for what he's done.

I have not responded and honestly, have no intentions to. And as far as I'm concerned, I've forgotten all about him and have moved on. I have also come to terms with what's happened in the past and I've forgiven him and myself. Whether or not he's come to terms with what he's done isn't my problem. Right? So I guess my question is, can you forgive someone by making a mental note of forgiveness, without having to communicate with them?

Right now he is blocked. But he was able to find me through old friends that neither side with me nor him. Just to clarify, I'm not close with any of these "old friends" either. I just happened to network with them on FB alongside the many other people I no longer stay in contact with but we're "facebook buddies".

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Hmmmm....interesting dilemma.

I'd say the fact that you're asking this question says that at least a part of you feels as though you should let him know he's forgiven. At the same time, I don't blame you one little bit for not wanting to correspond with him. This strikes of the beginning stages of stalking......he wants to know where you are, what you're doing. I certainly would not offer that information. It seems wise for you to keep your distance. However, you may consider sending a message through one of your other "friends" that you have in common, basically letting him know you got his message, you have forgiven him, but you just don't want to maintain social contact, that you've moved on. This may be a way for him to gain resolution (if that's what he's really looking for), while at the same time, maintaining your privacy and separation from him. But, you know your friends and situation better than I. I simply offer this as a POSSIBLE solution and not necessarily THE solution.

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You don't owe him anything. If I was you I wouldn't respond either. Why? So he can feel better? How he feels about his actions shouldn't depend on you, for him to move on HE needs to move on, and you're not responsible for that.

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I agree with Alana here, you don't need to let him know you have forgiven him. You don't need to put yourself in a position where he has any kind of access to you. And yes, I think you can absolutely forgive that way. There is a certain person in my life who I do not intend to ever contact again, I have forgiven this person but do not plan on telling them as that would break my no contact pact that I have made.

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For the record, I agree with Alana and Tarnished. You don't owe anything. It just seems to me that you feel that way or you wouldn't have asked. I am more concerned that you find peace with yourself than meeting his satisfaction. Anyway, that's why I offer the possible solution. I just want to see you come to terms with it. I really believe that you've done what you've needed to do. Do what you feel is right. There is no obligation, IMHO.

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Bini, you rock. Trying to do what's right, despite the trials you've gone through? Waay cool.

Forgiveness does not mean you have to be buddies with people. Declining to be around people or communicate with them, does not mean you haven't forgiven.

Forgiveness is the challenge of the harmed. Repentence is the challenge of the person who has given harm. Part of the repentence process is to provide restitution wherever possible. Sometimes, it's not possible to make restitution. Ended abusive relationships are often a good example - because you really can't go back in time and un-abuse someone.

But I find it interesting - he contacts the person he abused 10 years prior - to ask them for something? Not to try to help put things right? Not to ask if there's anything he could do to undo the wrong he did? Hmmmm......

Then he makes a request pleading that I respond back so he knows that he's forgiven for what he's done.

So, his repentence doesn't hinge on your forgiveness. It might be good to hear that you forgive him, but it's not essential for a truly repentent person to gather statements of forgiveness.

he was able to find me through old friends that neither side with me nor him. Just to clarify, I'm not close with any of these "old friends" either. I just happened to network with them on FB alongside the many other people I no longer stay in contact with but we're "facebook buddies".

One suggestion - you ask these old friends to deliver a message: "I forgave you a long time ago - but I prefer not to be in contact with you".

If he's truly repentent, and if he truly wanted to know, then he should jump for joy at the news, and go away. If he's not being honest, then he'll prove his insincerity by continuing to contact you.

LM

Edited by Loudmouth_Mormon
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There is a difference between being an idiot and being unforgiving. I am faced with a problem right now where my daughter (6) was bullied by an adult sister, I have been told she has repented and I am being unforgving. I am not I have no hatred to this sister she doesn't consume my life but I don't take a chance with my kids.

With your situation you do not give him a chance to abuse you again, by forgiving him you refused to let that happen by doubting yourself you are allowing him to again - if he was truly repentant he would stay away

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I seem to be on a different boat on this one. I would tell him I forgive him then cut off all communications if that's how I feel about it. The thing is, yes, he is a leper, but, it could possibly be that he WAS a leper and the only thing preventing him from getting back to the strait and narrow path is that sign that he is forgiven.

Not telling him you forgive him when he specifically asks because, as others said, he doesn't deserve it, or anything to that effect, doesn't really seem to me to jive with the fact that you have forgiven him. I don't know, just my take on it.

Now, whether you owe it to him or not is besides the point. It's something I would do out of charity - even for Jeffrey Dahmer if need be.

But, of course, you still protect yourself however you need to.

But, like I said, it's just how I think of these things.

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Thank you everyone for your insight on this. I appreciate it.

Honestly, after all this time, I am indifferent about the whole thing. That is, in regards to responding with a short and simple "You're forgiven". Otherwise, I have absolutely no interest in corresponding with him at all. I told my husband about this and he has strongly discouraged me from replying back. I have shared with him some of the dark details of my past, those which he has inquired about and those I felt important for him to know, and it pretty much infuriates him that this guy even looked me up. Anyway, I have come to my own personal decision and I feel best to leave it be. I am at peace at this point and it's unfortunate that he apparently is holding onto some things that are eating at him—but these are the consequences of his actions.

Bini,

Did you forgive him before or after he apologized? The reason why I am asking is for personal reasons and not for judgment or anything that you did or did not do. I admire you either way. :)

I forgave him a long time ago. I can't say the completion of my healing process has been that distant however.
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If it was a different situation, where someone wronged you but not in an abusive way, I'd be much more likely to offer that 'it's all cool.' But, because of the circumstances, it's like playing with fire in a way. If there is any chance that a simple short response could encourage him to cross a boundary, after knowing what he is capable of doing in the past, I couldn't risk it.

Of course, everything is probably what it seems to be, but I don't think it's worth the chance.

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I was in a similar situation with my soon-to-be-ex. I actually did send him an email letting him know he was forgiven, but that was more for myself than for him. I knew how he would respond to it and that it wouldn't be any help to him. His response was quite bitter, but it helped me. I felt as though there were some things I'd done in the relationship I owed him an apology for, or I would never have sent the message.

While what he'd done to me was far worse than anything I'd done to him, I still wanted to be fully repentant and gain some closure on the matter. Other than that, I have had no contact with him and plan on maintaining that no-contact.

In your case, I do not think it is necessary for you to inform him that you've forgiven him. Anything you are feeling contrary to this decision, is probably old guilt cropping up. Abusers are good at making you feel guilty when there is absolutely no reason for it. You were probably feeling as though it is your fault he hasn't moved on because you haven't let him know you forgive him. It's not your fault.

If his email were asking if there was anything he could do to make restitution for what he'd done, reassuring you that he understood if you did not reply because he did not expect you to, that he did not want you to let him know anything about your whereabouts he just wanted to let you know he was sorry and you won't ever have to worry about him coming after you again... THEN I'd say it MIGHT be safe to offer him some kind of response.

As this wasn't the case though, I'd say keeping the no-contact rule is important for your safety. You know you've forgiven him. God knows you've forgiven him. You've moved on. He should move on to. He doesn't need a response from you to fix his life.

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Not telling him you forgive him when he specifically asks because, as others said, he doesn't deserve it, or anything to that effect, doesn't really seem to me to jive with the fact that you have forgiven him. I don't know, just my take on it.

.

trouble is his very act of getting in touch shows he has no regret or understanding for how he treated her.

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[quote name=Bini;470790 I told my husband about this and he has strongly discouraged me from replying back. I have shared with him some of the dark details of my past' date=' those which he has inquired about and those I felt important for him to know, and it pretty much infuriates him that this guy even looked me up. Anyway, I have come to my own personal decision and I feel best to leave it be. I am at peace at this point and it's unfortunate that he apparently is holding onto some things that are eating at him—but these are the consequences of his actions.

r.

I am really glad to read this also whether or not your husband is LDS he is head of your home, and is entitled to inspiration listen to it

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I think I agree with anatess here. It could be that he has only just come to an understanding of the wrong he did and has no idea how to make restitution. Asking for forgiveness is a small step but at least it's in the right direction. Personally I feel it would matter to me to let him know he was forgiven, forgiven but not excused, and I would emphasise my wish to have no further contact and put it all in the past never to be resurrected.
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This is something that needs careful pondering and prayer - the abuser may have or may not have repented and may or may not be a danger to be around. Only Heavenly Father knows his heart and it is best to go to Him for counsel.

Here's what Maxine Murdock, retired member of the Brigham Young University Psychology Department said:-

One of the best ways to determine how, when, and whether to proceed is to appeal for heavenly help through prayer. Those who have been abused, not their well-meaning friends or relatives, must determine when to reinitiate contact.

Forgiveness does not require acceptance of abuse or acceptance of an abusive person. But when hurt has healed, when victims have realized that the abuse is not something they caused or deserved, when they have tried sincerely to understand the offender, and when they have prayed for charity and spiritual guidance, then peace of mind and true forgiveness will come.“I Have a Question,” Ensign, June 1994, 60–61

Link to above quote - LDS.org - Ensign Article - I Have a Question

12 Step recovery Step 9 - forgiveness

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. If the act of making amends will open old wounds or create new harm, then making direct amends should be avoided. The benefit of making amends to the recovering person does not outweigh the need to do no more harm.

1) those you still have contact with, 2) those you could probably get in touch with if you tried, and 3) those you can’t reach, either because they’ve passed away, you’ve lost all knowledge of their whereabouts, or because contact would harm them. It might not be necessary or advisable to intrude into their present life by bringing up the past.

More relevant articles from lds.org that may be of help to you

LDS.org - Ensign Article - Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse

LDS.org - Ensign Article - To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse

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if he was truly repentant he would stay away

trouble is his very act of getting in touch shows he has no regret or understanding for how he treated her.

I disagree with both of these opinions. I don't know if this man is LDS or not (I'm guessing not), but one of the steps to repentance is restitution. How can this man attempt to make restitution if he doesn't get in touch with her again?

That said, I definitely would not respond. I would not engage him in any way. It's his responsibility to make that restitution, and it's the OP's responsibility to forgive him, but she doesn't have to potentially restart a destructive cycle just so that he can know that he's forgiven.

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That said, I definitely would not respond. I would not engage him in any way. It's his responsibility to make that restitution, and it's the OP's responsibility to forgive him, but she doesn't have to potentially restart a destructive cycle just so that he can know that he's forgiven.

I'm not sure I understand why responding to him and letting him know he is forgiven would have a potential to restart a destructive cycle.

Circumstances are different now. The "victim" is "wiser" now - hopefully! I mean, what are bad experiences for unless you learn from it? And, it's only a FB reach out. We're not talking about striking up a friendship or a physical relationship here again. Not even a phone call relationship. If you're worried, send him an email then block him. Or something to that effect. You're not under any obligation, of course, but if you want to extend that charity, I don't see a reason why you can't.

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I'm not sure I understand why responding to him and letting him know he is forgiven would have a potential to restart a destructive cycle.

Circumstances are different now. The "victim" is "wiser" now - hopefully! I mean, what are bad experiences for unless you learn from it?

That's why I said "potential."

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I don't want to get too detailed about my personal life and dig up my past but I wanted your two cents on this.

Sometime ago I was involved with a man that was abusive. The relationship would not have ended unless my family came to my rescue and did an intervention. Now almost ten years later, I get a message on FB and it's from him. He wants to know where I am, how I'm doing and apologises several times for the past. Then he makes a request pleading that I respond back so he knows that he's forgiven for what he's done.

I have not responded and honestly, have no intentions to. And as far as I'm concerned, I've forgotten all about him and have moved on. I have also come to terms with what's happened in the past and I've forgiven him and myself. Whether or not he's come to terms with what he's done isn't my problem. Right? So I guess my question is, can you forgive someone by making a mental note of forgiveness, without having to communicate with them?

Right now he is blocked. But he was able to find me through old friends that neither side with me nor him. Just to clarify, I'm not close with any of these "old friends" either. I just happened to network with them on FB alongside the many other people I no longer stay in contact with but we're "facebook buddies".

I think you can forgive them without contacting them.. Altho I think that letting them know is more effective.... however I'd say that if he was trying to make amendments he would not be asking for your location. In this case youre probably choosing the best course of action..
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