Fighting "Mormon Fatalism"


Justinian
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I was converted in winter 2007 when I was 19. These three years I've been in the Church have been possibly the best in my life, and also probably the worst. I've grown in many ways. When I was an atheist, I believed a lot things about politics and ethics and philosophy that I rationalized as being altruistic and impartial, when in reality they were all self-aggrandizing. I thought it was possible to remake the world in my image, into a place where I would be more comfortable; but I couldn't let myself know this was my intention, so I constructed a web of intricate lies to fool myself into believing my motivations were honorable. I didn't know it at the time, but I am an INTP and suffer from a non-verbal learning disorder, which together make my specific type of personality less than one percent of the human population. I never fit in while I was growing up and spent most of my childhood becoming increasingly frustrated and misanthropic. Becoming a member forced me to humble myself and examine my goals and intentions.

I had always known deep down, of course, that I was lying to myself about the things I believed. I had always known they weren't true, and for years I fought twinges of doubt and guilt associated with them, including even the atheism which I had devoted myself to fanatically; something deep down had kept haunting me, saying that no matter what the facts said, no matter what the evidence was, I was wrong and I should be ashamed. The day I was forced to confess that there really was a God was the most disappointing and heartbreaking day of my life. Not only were all of my cherished opinions wrong and all my dreams crushed, I was suddenly forced to confront myself about selfish desires which I had hideously masqueraded as virtue. I cried for three days straight and possibly more. My entire world had come undone and I could barely find the strength to go to work.

This period of my early conversion is one of the strong-points of my testimony. I know the Church is true, because I remember how much I didn't want it to be. I couldn't have convinced myself it was unless I wanted it to be, and there were simply no incentives for that. I had no choice but to face a reality I didn't like; I couldn't hide from myself anymore because I knew it'd be pointless: I'd have to also hide from God, and that just couldn't be done. Some of the longterm fruits of this confrontation with myself include my recent diagnosis of the aforementioned learning disability, which I had always convinced myself I could ignore. I've been seeing a therapist to attempt to resolve the issues that have kept my frustrated so long. I have also taken steps become more humble, less judgmental and more sensitive to other people's feelings. I have learned to see individual human beings as intelligent, valuable creatures, and to appreciate concepts such as liberty and equity.

More recently I've been forced to accept another hard truth, which is that I never really recovered from that painful incident of my conversion. I was never really fully converted. As much progress as I've made, I'm afraid that on the whole I may have actually gotten worse. I've battled a masturbation addiction all this time with no signs of immanent victory on the horizon despite a lot of help and encouragement from my last bishop. I impulsively swear more than I ever have before and lose my temper often. I've barely worked, and never contributed much to the Church in terms of a calling.

More importantly though... I'm just not motivated. To say I've become apathetic is to understate. My old causes may have been false but at least I dedicated myself to them. At least they inspired me. I used to involve myself artistically. I used to inhale books, and I was ambitious to become an author. Now all my ambition is gone, and I have to force myself to read anything. I'm lucky to get a few chapters of scripture in each week. On top of that I usually forget whatever I study almost instantly. It's been harder and harder to go to church on Sunday, especially after I moved from the town I was converted in, and after my non-member family took me on a long vacation and I missed several months. All I do eagerly anymore is immerse myself in escapist behavior; mostly surfing the web and playing games. I don't want to have to think about the way the world really is. I don't like the way it is. I resent that the Church is true. I don't mind being bound by its doctrines; I believe that they are sound and logical. But I went from a world of infinite possibilities to a world where "all roads lead to Rome" so to speak. So what if I can still make a difference in my own life and the lives of some others? So what if my book hasn't been written yet? I can't help feeling that all the free will in the universe won't make events unfold any differently in the grand scheme of things.

Many people find religion uplifting because it provides their lives with purpose and meaning. But I valued my life more when I thought it was finite. I valued people who made the ultimate sacrifice more when I thought it was truly ultimate. What was the purpose of my life? Whatever I wanted it to be. It was MY life after all. I never understood why so many people are so inept at finding reasons to live that they need to be given them by someone else. I personally found it far, far more amazing to think that all life was an accident; a fluke. What an AMAZING fluke! How incredibly lucky we are! Life is so complex and wonderful, why does it need a creator to have value? I've listened to many rapturous lines of scripture being read at the podium, and while it almost never ceases to amaze and enthrall me with its beauty, simplicity and obvious truth, I still can't help thinking: So what, it isn't half as interesting as secular philosophy, and it doesn't make me happy.

But... I know that it would be irresponsible to dismiss the truth just because I don't like it. The Church is true whether I like it or not, and I have a duty to the truth. But I'll never be able to maintain a vigilant testimony until I reconcile this confusion. Right now I'm almost completely numb to the promptings of the spirit. I used to be able to fast 24 hours and now I just can't. I've failed to resist temptation so many times now that on occasion I simply don't bother. And so I ask, what could be behind it? What am I missing? What should I do? It could be that my disability and the stress associated with it has left me weaker than I thought. I don't want to accept that, but I am hoping that the medication I may be getting soon may help with my crippling anxiety. I know a lot of you will want me to go straight to my bishop... and you're right, I should work up the courage to talk to him. I don't really know my new one yet since I moved to this ward. But please don't stop there. If there's anything more I can tell you that you might be able to use to help me with, please ask. Thank you all.

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your story seems very familiar, kinda like mine, i was a satanist. i have been working towards active membership in the church and i have found the closer i get the harder satan works on my faults and weaknesses. like the crossstitch of Jesus that was hanging in my grandparents home said " I never said it would be easy, I only said it'd be worth it" id like to contribute more but i gotta go to work. hang in there, your doing something right if he is working this hard against you. maybe a priesthood blessing and your name in the temple?

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I was converted in winter 2007 when I was 19. These three years I've been in the Church have been possibly the best in my life, and also probably the worst. I've grown in many ways. When I was an atheist, I believed a lot things about politics and ethics and philosophy that I rationalized as being altruistic and impartial, when in reality they were all self-aggrandizing. I thought it was possible to remake the world in my image, into a place where I would be more comfortable; but I couldn't let myself know this was my intention, so I constructed a web of intricate lies to fool myself into believing my motivations were honorable. I didn't know it at the time, but I am an INTP and suffer from a non-verbal learning disorder, which together make my specific type of personality less than one percent of the human population. I never fit in while I was growing up and spent most of my childhood becoming increasingly frustrated and misanthropic. Becoming a member forced me to humble myself and examine my goals and intentions.

I had always known deep down, of course, that I was lying to myself about the things I believed. I had always known they weren't true, and for years I fought twinges of doubt and guilt associated with them, including even the atheism which I had devoted myself to fanatically; something deep down had kept haunting me, saying that no matter what the facts said, no matter what the evidence was, I was wrong and I should be ashamed. The day I was forced to confess that there really was a God was the most disappointing and heartbreaking day of my life. Not only were all of my cherished opinions wrong and all my dreams crushed, I was suddenly forced to confront myself about selfish desires which I had hideously masqueraded as virtue. I cried for three days straight and possibly more. My entire world had come undone and I could barely find the strength to go to work.

This period of my early conversion is one of the strong-points of my testimony. I know the Church is true, because I remember how much I didn't want it to be. I couldn't have convinced myself it was unless I wanted it to be, and there were simply no incentives for that. I had no choice but to face a reality I didn't like; I couldn't hide from myself anymore because I knew it'd be pointless: I'd have to also hide from God, and that just couldn't be done. Some of the longterm fruits of this confrontation with myself include my recent diagnosis of the aforementioned learning disability, which I had always convinced myself I could ignore. I've been seeing a therapist to attempt to resolve the issues that have kept my frustrated so long. I have also taken steps become more humble, less judgmental and more sensitive to other people's feelings. I have learned to see individual human beings as intelligent, valuable creatures, and to appreciate concepts such as liberty and equity.

More recently I've been forced to accept another hard truth, which is that I never really recovered from that painful incident of my conversion. I was never really fully converted. As much progress as I've made, I'm afraid that on the whole I may have actually gotten worse. I've battled a masturbation addiction all this time with no signs of immanent victory on the horizon despite a lot of help and encouragement from my last bishop. I impulsively swear more than I ever have before and lose my temper often. I've barely worked, and never contributed much to the Church in terms of a calling.

More importantly though... I'm just not motivated. To say I've become apathetic is to understate. My old causes may have been false but at least I dedicated myself to them. At least they inspired me. I used to involve myself artistically. I used to inhale books, and I was ambitious to become an author. Now all my ambition is gone, and I have to force myself to read anything. I'm lucky to get a few chapters of scripture in each week. On top of that I usually forget whatever I study almost instantly. It's been harder and harder to go to church on Sunday, especially after I moved from the town I was converted in, and after my non-member family took me on a long vacation and I missed several months. All I do eagerly anymore is immerse myself in escapist behavior; mostly surfing the web and playing games. I don't want to have to think about the way the world really is. I don't like the way it is. I resent that the Church is true. I don't mind being bound by its doctrines; I believe that they are sound and logical. But I went from a world of infinite possibilities to a world where "all roads lead to Rome" so to speak. So what if I can still make a difference in my own life and the lives of some others? So what if my book hasn't been written yet? I can't help feeling that all the free will in the universe won't make events unfold any differently in the grand scheme of things.

Many people find religion uplifting because it provides their lives with purpose and meaning. But I valued my life more when I thought it was finite. I valued people who made the ultimate sacrifice more when I thought it was truly ultimate. What was the purpose of my life? Whatever I wanted it to be. It was MY life after all. I never understood why so many people are so inept at finding reasons to live that they need to be given them by someone else. I personally found it far, far more amazing to think that all life was an accident; a fluke. What an AMAZING fluke! How incredibly lucky we are! Life is so complex and wonderful, why does it need a creator to have value? I've listened to many rapturous lines of scripture being read at the podium, and while it almost never ceases to amaze and enthrall me with its beauty, simplicity and obvious truth, I still can't help thinking: So what, it isn't half as interesting as secular philosophy, and it doesn't make me happy.

But... I know that it would be irresponsible to dismiss the truth just because I don't like it. The Church is true whether I like it or not, and I have a duty to the truth. But I'll never be able to maintain a vigilant testimony until I reconcile this confusion. Right now I'm almost completely numb to the promptings of the spirit. I used to be able to fast 24 hours and now I just can't. I've failed to resist temptation so many times now that on occasion I simply don't bother. And so I ask, what could be behind it? What am I missing? What should I do? It could be that my disability and the stress associated with it has left me weaker than I thought. I don't want to accept that, but I am hoping that the medication I may be getting soon may help with my crippling anxiety. I know a lot of you will want me to go straight to my bishop... and you're right, I should work up the courage to talk to him. I don't really know my new one yet since I moved to this ward. But please don't stop there. If there's anything more I can tell you that you might be able to use to help me with, please ask. Thank you all.

hmm in all likelyhood this valley you are walking through at this time is not going to be overcome anytime soon.

Addictions do kill the spirit.. i find that when that happens my life is fairly similar to what you describe here.

Does that mean all hope is lost? no! I find that in these situations that its hard to keep the spirit because we bring the sin that stems from the addiction over and over again... Sometimes you have to look, fight and focus minute by minute. For me confession to the bishop, and to those who care) is the hardest hurdle to pass, and has been what has held me back many times.

Just I'd advise three things to remember: if we are trying, and keep trying, to get back to how the lord would want us then it doesn't matter how many times we fall. Two accept that your going to make mistakes, and flub it up - the devil wants us to think a couple things - that once we do something wrong we might as well do more wrong, and that once we have done wrong we are lost. 3 pray hard, and go out and help someone.

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This feeling of fatalism comes from an oversimplificaton of success and failure. You have come to a realization of the truth. You know what is right and what is expected you, and you have failed to live up to it. You see this failure as an ultimate failure. You find it impossible to live up to God's expectations. You are expecting perfection in yourself, NOW.

This would be true, IF God were only perfectly just. Even the smallest sin would condemn us. You know this now, and you feel that there is no point in moving on, no point in trying.

As an agnostic, you believed there was no God. Everything had to be done on your own, and I think you are still stuck in this mindset. You want to achieve all that you can on your own, but this is impossible. You know it is impossible, and you find it easier to give up than to attempt to make amends when you can't do it.

But you CAN do it... with help. God is not only perfectly just; He is perfectly merciful. That is why He sent His Son. This was all part of His plan. He knew that we could not make it on our own. He knew that we would be weak, that we would falter, that we would make mistakes. He knew we would have inadequacies. So He sent some help.

Success is not found in being perfect NOW. Success is found in progressing toward perfection. Each day strive to make yourself a little better, and put your past behind you. You cannot change the past, but you can change the future, and as you work to better that future the Lord will swallow up your mistakes in his divine love. This is repentance. This is His wonderful gift.

Yes, we have to work hard to perfect ourselves. Yes, there is much required of us if we are to truly be fully repentant. Sometimes it feels like we have to jump through hoops. We must confess, forsake, make restitution, etc, etc, etc. But it is not impossible when we stop trying to do it on our own. Jesus Christ is not called our SAVIOR for nothing. We NEED Him. Without His help all our work would be for naught, and this is the reason you feel this way.

Take everything one step at a time. Don't pin every small failure in your life as the ultimate failure. You CAN succeed. Just do your best and give everything else up to the Lord. Your best will improve over time, and ten years from now you will look back on this and wonder why you felt so doomed. You can achieve amazing things. Just get out there and do it.

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This feeling of fatalism comes from an oversimplificaton of success and failure. You have come to a realization of the truth. You know what is right and what is expected you, and you have failed to live up to it. You see this failure as an ultimate failure. You find it impossible to live up to God's expectations. You are expecting perfection in yourself, NOW.

This would be true, IF God were only perfectly just. Even the smallest sin would condemn us. You know this now, and you feel that there is no point in moving on, no point in trying.

As an agnostic, you believed there was no God. Everything had to be done on your own, and I think you are still stuck in this mindset. You want to achieve all that you can on your own, but this is impossible. You know it is impossible, and you find it easier to give up than to attempt to make amends when you can't do it.

But you CAN do it... with help. God is not only perfectly just; He is perfectly merciful. That is why He sent His Son. This was all part of His plan. He knew that we could not make it on our own. He knew that we would be weak, that we would falter, that we would make mistakes. He knew we would have inadequacies. So He sent some help.

Success is not found in being perfect NOW. Success is found in progressing toward perfection. Each day strive to make yourself a little better, and put your past behind you. You cannot change the past, but you can change the future, and as you work to better that future the Lord will swallow up your mistakes in his divine love. This is repentance. This is His wonderful gift.

Yes, we have to work hard to perfect ourselves. Yes, there is much required of us if we are to truly be fully repentant. Sometimes it feels like we have to jump through hoops. We must confess, forsake, make restitution, etc, etc, etc. But it is not impossible when we stop trying to do it on our own. Jesus Christ is not called our SAVIOR for nothing. We NEED Him. Without His help all our work would be for naught, and this is the reason you feel this way.

Take everything one step at a time. Don't pin every small failure in your life as the ultimate failure. You CAN succeed. Just do your best and give everything else up to the Lord. Your best will improve over time, and ten years from now you will look back on this and wonder why you felt so doomed. You can achieve amazing things. Just get out there and do it.

You misunderstand. I believe the reason I fail to live the gospel and make the most of my life is primarily because I can't be bothered to care. The gospel does not motivate me. The gospel does not inspire me. The gospel does not fill me with hope or a sense of self worth. The effect it has on me is the exact opposite it. It enforces the notion that I can't make a difference in the world in the ways that matter most to me. By Fatalism I mean the gospel has given me the impression that humankind as a whole cannot be reasoned with; cannot change. We're doomed to get worse and worse until our evil cannot sustain itself any longer. In brief the gospel seems to be telling us "Save yourself and anyone who will listen. Get to a lifeboat before the whole ship sinks." Psychologically I've just found this impossible to deal with. It has virtually sapped my will to live. I love the world. I love mankind. I've entertained such high hopes for us. I want us to be able to solve our own problems and overcome our own obstacles. I know we can't overcome the fall on our own... but there is so much else we SHOULD be able to overcome. Political and ethnic discord. Disease. Maybe even interstellar travel.

I need to believe that just maybe I can change the world if I try hard enough and do things just right. I need to believe that agency is powerful enough to make anything possible; I don't want to believe that I am chained by prophesies. I want a world without prophesies. I want a world where anything is possible that doesn't violate laws of nature.

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You misunderstand. I believe the reason I fail to live the gospel and make the most of my life is primarily because I can't be bothered to care. The gospel does not motivate me. The gospel does not inspire me. The gospel does not fill me with hope or a sense of self worth. The effect it has on me is the exact opposite it. It enforces the notion that I can't make a difference in the world in the ways that matter most to me. By Fatalism I mean the gospel has given me the impression that humankind as a whole cannot be reasoned with; cannot change. We're doomed to get worse and worse until our evil cannot sustain itself any longer. In brief the gospel seems to be telling us "Save yourself and anyone who will listen. Get to a lifeboat before the whole ship sinks." Psychologically I've just found this impossible to deal with. It has virtually sapped my will to live. I love the world. I love mankind. I've entertained such high hopes for us. I want us to be able to solve our own problems and overcome our own obstacles. I know we can't overcome the fall on our own... but there is so much else we SHOULD be able to overcome. Political and ethnic discord. Disease. Maybe even interstellar travel.

I need to believe that just maybe I can change the world if I try hard enough and do things just right. I need to believe that agency is powerful enough to make anything possible; I don't want to believe that I am chained by prophesies. I want a world without prophesies. I want a world where anything is possible that doesn't violate laws of nature.

Ah. I understand now.

My advice to you then is that you expect too much of yourself and too little of the Lord. Anything IS possible, when we work with Him. It sounds like you have a fix it mentality, and you want to fix everything. You want to take the whole world in your hands- all its problems and all its inconsistencies- and fix it. But it doesn't need fixing.

The reason those problems are there is because we have agency. Just have you have made mistakes in your life, I have made mistakes in my life, etc, everyone is going to make mistakes and we will all continue to make mistakes. That is why we have political and ethnic discord. Our choices, our misdirection, our mistakes create differences. Without them, there would be no potential for growth and learning.

You can still help the world, one little bit at a time. :D

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Many people find religion uplifting because it provides their lives with purpose and meaning.

Sure gives meaning and purpose to me.

Did you know that you can have both religion and rational thought? As you grow older, you will be constantly learning and refining your individual beliefs. What you come up with can fit within the rubric of organized religion if you let it. There can be a multiplying effect to satisfying any spiritual yearnings you may have by worshiping as a group. You need not have identical beliefs. As a matter of fact, if you did have identical beliefs you should check yourself for the indelible bar coding they put on at the clone factory.

As the Bard said, first be true to yourself and then look to how you can fit in with others on your spiritual journey. We are all on a spiritual journey whether we know it or not. I have chosen to follow the narrower path on my journey. The gate to this path is pretty wide though. Any time you are ready it will swing open to greet you.

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Maybe waxing ecstatic wasn't the best idea. I'll put it plainly. I don't find any contradictions with religion and logic. The reason I converted to this religion was because I believed it would be irrational to ignore the very specific and powerful feelings I experienced after praying. I don't have a fix it mentality or some kind of control complex. I just... think about things on a scale most people don't. I'm just very different. And this difference has prevented me from discovering something important about the gospel. It has kept me from finding the part of the gospel that will let me... actually be happy and excited about it. I need to find something about the gospel that will make me WANT to live it. As it is... I don't want to. Not from the bottom of my heart. It's a chore to me. A joyless, empty obligation. I know that it's for the greatest possible good, and that I should trust the lord... but I need more.

The gospel does not offend me or my conscience. I know it is true and correct, and I feel very good when I know I behaved righteously. I want to feel like that more... but it's so hard, because I'm forced to put up with such hard, unappealing truths. I love worldly things. I love philosophy. I love politics and the subtleties of human interaction. And... I HATE the idea that humankind is bound by prophecies in a book. Agency may very well apply, but who cares if we can't change the future? I don't care my tiny self! I'm apathetic if I have to worry so much about something so small. I want to be able to make a difference. A huge difference. A decisive difference. I want to change people's minds about things. That's always what I have felt born to do. But if we're chained to this awful future... I don't have a reason to live. I know that's irrational. I know I should try to help as many people as I can and accept my best effort as enough... but the fact is one of my deepest psychological needs has been denied by this religion, and for three years it has prevented me from living the gospel and kept me from living like a man ought to.

I miss being motivated. I miss having a cause I cared about.

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I understand that you want to make a big difference in the world, and to some extent that is a "fix it" mentality. Your plight reminds me of that of Alma, after he'd been preaching the gospel and sharing it with both Nephites and Lamanites for some years. He said (in Alma 39:1-3 i think. Not 100% sure on the reference) "Oh that I were an angel, and could have the desire of mine heart. That I might go forth and preach repentance unto every nation... But behold I am a man and do sin in my wish. I ought to be content with the things the Lord has alloted unto me." (also not 100% sure on the wording as I did that from memory)

Alma wanted to make big changes too. He wanted to have a big effect. He wanted to share his story with EVERYONE. He wanted the entire world to feel as he did and be filled with the same strong desire for righteous living. But he also knew that there was only so much he could do and that the Lord had given him everything he needed to fulfill his purpose. He did not let this lack in his ability to have the impact he wanted make him apathetic. No- he put his whole heart in the work. He pushed himself to the limit, did everything he could, and when he felt like it wasn't enough, he trusted in the Lord.

You can make a bigger difference than you realize. Alma felt chained by his mortal limitations, but he pushed those limits. He never gave up. And now, his words ARE shared with the world.

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I need to believe that just maybe I can change the world if I try hard enough and do things just right. I need to believe that agency is powerful enough to make anything possible; I don't want to believe that I am chained by prophesies. I want a world without prophesies. I want a world where anything is possible that doesn't violate laws of nature.

I struggle with the same thing. Sometimes I ask "why bother"? The end result would play out the same if this religion is really true -- every single time. You can ease their suffering. That's the only consolation I can offer you.

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Hugs for Justinian. Take hart. Your convirsion was tramatic, and that hurts, but it can also bea good thing. God wants us to come to him "with a broken hart and contrite spirt" and you were indeed broken. and you may still feel that way.it seems to me that you are hoarding the broken pieces of your earlier life, wondeing how they could ever be put back together again. My anser to that as a fellow broken vessel is thay cant, and they wont. It is time to move on with your new life and your new purpous. I'm not trying to offend or belitle your feelings. its hard to comunicate ones whole situation,so i probaly dont understand at all, as everyone filtrers oters lives through their own pespective.

that being said most people dont react very well to being broken. Myself I find that I cry often now, and sometimes for very little reason. (i used to never cry at all except when i was furiously angry)

your lack of motivation and feelings of "why bother" sound like symptons of depresion to me.and depression is not something you can "just get over" by finding a new perspective on life. I sugust discusssing that with your theripist. and dont bee too proud/scared to take meds. if i had accepted meds the first time theyt were offered i would probaly still be in the military right now. an SSRI will not have any affect on you unless there is a chemical imbalance in your brain.

Just some thoughts of mine that i hope will help,

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You mentioned you were going to start medication and I think that will help. I have suffered from depression pretty much my entire life and have been off and on anti-depressants. When I think that I am strong enough to stop taking my medicine I go through some of the things that you go through. I get where I dont want to go out or do my favorite things. Sometimes this depression gets so bad I find it hard to do anything more than stare at the TV without really watching it. As a member of the Church I have had some people very close to me tell me that I would not need my medication if I had faith. This was extremely hurtful to me and made me question my sanity and if I should stop taking my medicine. Luckily I came to realize that one of the blessings of living in our day and time is that we have medicines to treat certain disorders. Once you get on your medicine I believe that it will help and you will be able to do the things you use to enjoy. You can change the world everyday by just smiling at someone or holding the door open for a elderly lady. Remember that your Father in Heaven loves you and that you do have a purpose.

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You mentioned you were going to start medication and I think that will help. I have suffered from depression pretty much my entire life and have been off and on anti-depressants. When I think that I am strong enough to stop taking my medicine I go through some of the things that you go through. I get where I dont want to go out or do my favorite things. Sometimes this depression gets so bad I find it hard to do anything more than stare at the TV without really watching it. As a member of the Church I have had some people very close to me tell me that I would not need my medication if I had faith. This was extremely hurtful to me and made me question my sanity and if I should stop taking my medicine. Luckily I came to realize that one of the blessings of living in our day and time is that we have medicines to treat certain disorders. Once you get on your medicine I believe that it will help and you will be able to do the things you use to enjoy. You can change the world everyday by just smiling at someone or holding the door open for a elderly lady. Remember that your Father in Heaven loves you and that you do have a purpose.

Yeah, maybe it really is as simple as that. I hope that's all it is, because it's only a matter of time now before I'll have a treatment for it. Well thanks everyone. It's all very appreciated.

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your story seems very familiar, kinda like mine, i was a satanist. i have been working towards active membership in the church and i have found the closer i get the harder satan works on my faults and weaknesses. like the crossstitch of Jesus that was hanging in my grandparents home said " I never said it would be easy, I only said it'd be worth it" id like to contribute more but i gotta go to work. hang in there, your doing something right if he is working this hard against you. maybe a priesthood blessing and your name in the temple?

I think you struck on an important element. The closer you get the harder satan is going to work to keep you from the truth. You just gotta keep plugging away and trust that the Lord will help you.

:)

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Hugs for Justinian. Take hart. Your convirsion was tramatic, and that hurts, but it can also bea good thing. God wants us to come to him "with a broken hart and contrite spirt" and you were indeed broken. and you may still feel that way.it seems to me that you are hoarding the broken pieces of your earlier life, wondeing how they could ever be put back together again. My anser to that as a fellow broken vessel is thay cant, and they wont. It is time to move on with your new life and your new purpous. I'm not trying to offend or belitle your feelings. its hard to comunicate ones whole situation,so i probaly dont understand at all, as everyone filtrers oters lives through their own pespective.

that being said most people dont react very well to being broken. Myself I find that I cry often now, and sometimes for very little reason. (i used to never cry at all except when i was furiously angry)

your lack of motivation and feelings of "why bother" sound like symptons of depresion to me.and depression is not something you can "just get over" by finding a new perspective on life. I sugust discusssing that with your theripist. and dont bee too proud/scared to take meds. if i had accepted meds the first time theyt were offered i would probaly still be in the military right now. an SSRI will not have any affect on you unless there is a chemical imbalance in your brain.

Just some thoughts of mine that i hope will help,

I appreciate your insight particularly here as it seems quite relevant. But... as concerns those old, broken remnants you say I'm hoarding over, you must understand that they are all I have. Church doctrine is fascinating and I always believed that one of my spiritual gifts was the ability to grasp it naturally. But that may not be as true as I thought. Clearly there is something important I have been missing. Am I clinically depressed, it's possible, but I don't think that's the main culprit here. The fact is before I was religious I was motivated, ambitious to excited to be alive. I don't regret learning the Truth, it exposed delusions that in the long run would have gotten me into big trouble. It opened my mind. But... it hasn't FILLED it with anything. Church doctrine, as I have come to understand it, is insubstantial, confusing, and dissatisfying, particularly compared to earthly philosophy. And I feel like I'm in a terrible catch 22. I know that by increasing my faith I may grow in the Church and have answers to the questions that trouble me, or at least receive greater comfort and more resolve to trust in the Lord. But if these three years can testify of anything, it is that I am incapable of increasing my faith any further without some explanations first. Without them, my faith has only gotten weaker, to the point where I can't say I really care what kingdom of glory I get into.

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