wife of the bishop

[DB37]

Is the amount of time a man serves as bishop arbitrary or is 5 years standard (and mandatory)?

Background: We are currently living in an area that we never intended on staying in for more than about 3-4 years. It's now been 10 1/2! My husband has a good secure job but this city, even after 10 years doesn't feel like home to me. I really want to move back closer to our extended family. (4 states and 1300 miles away) Half of our children don't recognize their cousins in pictures. They only have one grandmother left and it looks like she'll be spending all of 48 hours with us in June. No other immediate prospects to see her.

We have been job searching for years. My husband is in a rather tight career box and there are very few opportunites in his expertise in what we call our "home" area. About a year ago he was called as bishop. I agreed to support him in his calling as long as he didn't quit looking for jobs back home. I think the most important thing for us is family realtionships and they have suffered by us being 1300 miles away. WE are always the ones to make that journey to see them and I'm getting tired of always being the visitor, always being the one to use our vacation time to go see them rather than going somewhere else fun (like they do). We invite them all to come to see us every year but visits are extremely rare despite our best efforts to entertain, feed and love them. My husband agrees with my feelings about it...sort of. I think he does in principle but not so much in practice. I think he feels like extended family relationships are a bit tiresome. He is much more independent than I am. He likes where he is and what he is doing. We have some friends but they are all rather superficial relationships. It's an area where people come and go a lot - very transient. So maybe we haven't worked all that hard at developing freindships that could take the place of family support.

So now a job opportunity- not a perfect one but a really good one with great benefits and pay, has come up. It's not right in our home town but a 3 1/2 hour drive away ( closer than 23 hour drive or a $400 dollar plane ticket away!!) I'm a bit unsure about the location just because I have never been there but genereally I feel OK about it and about doing my job as a stay at home mom there. He all but has a job offer in hand. But now he is feeling guilty about even considering it. The stake president has told my husband on a couple of occasions that he is the one to be bishop of this ward right now. Pray and pray as I might, I don't get that same confirmation. I think he is doing a good job, we have had some sweet experiences, but I have never felt like he is the only one that can do this job as bishop in this ward right now. If anything I get stronger feelings that it's time to reconnect with our family.

So is it just bad form, selfish, lack of faith, putting our eternal salvation in peril to leave a job as bishop after only a year? Do you think extended family relationships trump church callings?

So is the Stake President telling your husband not to take what could be a very good opportunity for your family because he is needed as Bishop? There will always be good men and women to fill the callings of the Church. Just as I don't believe there is any one person for someone to marry, I don't believe that there is any one person for a calling. The Lord will find a perfectly suitable replacement, and I don't believe he expects your husband to forfeit his (or your!) family happiness. On one hand, you could look at it and think of it as a mission of sorts, and once the release comes you can move closer to family. On the other hand, given the current economic situation and the fact that this could be "once-in-a-lifetime" or at least hard to come by later, I think that needs to be taken into consideration.

Personally, I'm with you in this situation. I agree with the person who said that not being around extended family is negatively impacting the immediate family. I'm in much the same boat--my wife and I are currently living in Florida, while my family is in California and my wife's family is in Utah. I sympathize with you completely with vacations--we are unable to go places for fun if we want to see our family. And if we choose to do something else, we don't see our families. The only thing that keeps me from despairing sometimes is knowing that when my wife finishes her PhD (~2 years?), we MAY move closer to them (depending on where she can get a job as a professor).

Now, if he really likes what he is doing right now and likes the area, you DO need to take that into consideration. Your kids (to a lesser extent, as they won't always know what is best for them, but usually only what is COMFORTABLE) should also come into consideration. Families are eternal, after all, so you want to make sure the rest of your family isn't going to resent you for eternity, and also consider the fact that you will be with your extended family in the [very] long run. It is a trial, I know from personal experience. But it will only last a little season.

I would not hesitate to make this move because of the calling to Bishop. To me, the real issue is whether or not it's what your husband and children (and extended family) really want. Don't put your happiness before their happiness, but by the same ticket, don't sacrifice your happiness just because they're a little more comfortable with no change.

I think your whole family needs to have a serious conversation that takes into consideration all of the issues here. Perhaps the Stake President should be filled in, as well. Once you have studied it out in your individual and collective minds, and come to what you all think is a fitting conclusion, THEN pray and ask if you have come to the right conclusion. I'm always troubled by the people that say you should pray about it without taking the necessary steps. Of course, pray for the presence of mind and strength to come to a good conclusion, but don't put the matter to the Lord until you're all agreed on what you think is the right conclusion.

[Palerider]

"Being a bishop is not being complacent. The blessings being a Bishop will have in your lives can be countless. So, just so it doesn't make your desires too one sided, just make sure you consider that in the balance. "

I have considered it. We have lived it for a year. I honestly think I saw more spiritual growth in him before he was called as bishop. That may have been the preparatory humbling that went on. But for the last year it has been one administrative, worthiness or welfare nightmare after another. I have encouraged him and prayed with him and for him, not complained one iota about the extra time he spends in church service. I pick up the slack at home, counsel with him when he want's to talk, give him back rubs when he's stressed. I don't know what else to do. I feel like I'm being the best bishop's wife I can be. All I can see is that he has been more stressed for the last year. I don't see or feel the spiritual growth in him I thought I would. I wasn't expecting miracles but even an incremental year's worth of growth doesn't seem to be there.

I actually begged him NOT to pursue this job if it wasn't what he wanted to do. I didn't want to get my hopes up. HE was the one who felt he needed to fly out there to check it out. Now they are expressing interest in him, have invited me out to see the area, have offered free lodging and meals while I'm there. The package they are offering is the best we've seen in 6 years. He could have cut off the process at any point but now he's hedging. I wonder if he's just scared of the unknown.

"By which we generally mean wife and children. The notion that we need to put careers and church service on the back burner for the sake of extended family seems, to me, to be a bit of a stretch. (extenuating needs and circumstances excepted)"

Why is this a stretch? Life is about family. We are taught that family is the most important thing, should be our highest priority. Every person's realtionship with extended family is different. I have some friends who relish the fact that they are so far from their families and don't have to get involved in the drama. They want as little contact as possible. I, on the otherhand grew up with cousins, aunts and uncles visiting all the time. They were a joy to us. I grew up loved and secure in that family. It was the same for my husband's family. (So I'm puzzled at why he doesn't care more about those kinds' of relationships.) I wan't my own children to experience that same sense of belonging. My older kids do, having spent many years close to them. But I've had 4 children since we left our home town, 2 since leaving our home state. And they have missed SO much. WE have tried to provide fun experiences for them here. But it breaks my heart to think they will never have those same memories.

Sometimes family ties ARE the most important thing. Crucial and vital for some people. I don't think we can prioritize someone elses values.

Have you thought about speaking with your Stake President about these issues of feelings you have mentioned???? Being the spouse of a Bishop you would not go to him, but your Stake President.

[MarginOfError]

"By which we generally mean wife and children. The notion that we need to put careers and church service on the back burner for the sake of extended family seems, to me, to be a bit of a stretch. (extenuating needs and circumstances excepted)"

Why is this a stretch? Life is about family. We are taught that family is the most important thing, should be our highest priority. Every person's realtionship with extended family is different. I have some friends who relish the fact that they are so far from their families and don't have to get involved in the drama. They want as little contact as possible. I, on the otherhand grew up with cousins, aunts and uncles visiting all the time. They were a joy to us. I grew up loved and secure in that family. It was the same for my husband's family. (So I'm puzzled at why he doesn't care more about those kinds' of relationships.) I wan't my own children to experience that same sense of belonging. My older kids do, having spent many years close to them. But I've had 4 children since we left our home town, 2 since leaving our home state. And they have missed SO much. WE have tried to provide fun experiences for them here. But it breaks my heart to think they will never have those same memories.

Sometimes family ties ARE the most important thing. Crucial and vital for some people. I don't think we can prioritize someone elses values.

We learn in Genesis that a man leaves his parents and joins with his wife. When we take upon us our own family--that is, a spouse and children--we are responsible for them, their care, and their upbringing. We are not held accountable for the care and upbringing of our parents, our siblings, or our nieces and nephews.

And then, when our children are grown and marry, they separate from us. They become responsible for their children and spouses, but hold no responsibility for siblings, parents, nieces, or nephews.

When the Church says that 'callings should not come before family,' they mean that church service should not come before our obligations to our families. Only under extenuating circumstances are we obligated to family, such as trials that require more than what that particular family is able to provide.

Genesis 2

Doctrine and Covenants 68

In the eternities, your eternal family will consist of you and your spouse. Your children will be in eternal families with their spouses, and your grandchildren with their spouses. It's reasonable to assume that we will be able to mingle and socialize, but such is not an essential part of heaven.

So, your covenants dictate that you are responsible for your spouse and your children. They do not dictate in any way that it is necessary to be where you can foster relationships with your other family.

Now, as I said before, I understand your desire to be with your extended family. I have no trouble understanding that at all. But that shouldn't be translated into an eternal necessity. It's merely an eternal nicety, and one to which I have no objection.

One potential issue as I see it is that you seem to have decided that being near extended family is a necessary part of being happy. As long as you hold to that decision, you'll be unhappy where you are, and it won't matter what your calling or your husband's calling is. You were unhappy with your living situation before, and now that additional stress has been added, your unhappy state is exacerbated.

Bishops and their families receive some of the most incredible blessings. It is my opinion that bishop is the best calling in the Church, and I am convinced that no one is more blessed than a bishop and his family. But they (the entire family) have to give themselves wholly to the calling. I'm not convinced you have from the things you've said. Just something to mull over.

[carlimac]

"But they (the entire family) have to give themselves wholly to the calling. I'm not convinced you have from the things you've said. Just something to mull over. "

How so?

[MarginOfError]

"But they (the entire family) have to give themselves wholly to the calling. I'm not convinced you have from the things you've said. Just something to mull over. "

How so?

Let's take a look

Background: We are currently living in an area that we never intended on staying in for more than about 3-4 years. It's now been 10 1/2! My husband has a good secure job but this city, even after 10 years doesn't feel like home to me. I really want to move back closer to our extended family. (4 states and 1300 miles away) Half of our children don't recognize their cousins in pictures. They only have one grandmother left and it looks like she'll be spending all of 48 hours with us in June. No other immediate prospects to see her.

We have been job searching for years. My husband is in a rather tight career box and there are very few opportunites in his expertise in what we call our "home" area. About a year ago he was called as bishop. I agreed to support him in his calling as long as he didn't quit looking for jobs back home. I think the most important thing for us is family realtionships and they have suffered by us being 1300 miles away. WE are always the ones to make that journey to see them and I'm getting tired of always being the visitor, always being the one to use our vacation time to go see them rather than going somewhere else fun (like they do). We invite them all to come to see us every year but visits are extremely rare despite our best efforts to entertain, feed and love them. My husband agrees with my feelings about it...sort of. I think he does in principle but not so much in practice. I think he feels like extended family relationships are a bit tiresome. He is much more independent than I am. He likes where he is and what he is doing. We have some friends but they are all rather superficial relationships. It's an area where people come and go a lot - very transient. So maybe we haven't worked all that hard at developing freindships that could take the place of family support.

So now a job opportunity- not a perfect one but a really good one with great benefits and pay, has come up. It's not right in our home town but a 3 1/2 hour drive away ( closer than 23 hour drive or a $400 dollar plane ticket away!!) I'm a bit unsure about the location just because I have never been there but genereally I feel OK about it and about doing my job as a stay at home mom there. He all but has a job offer in hand. But now he is feeling guilty about even considering it. The stake president has told my husband on a couple of occasions that he is the one to be bishop of this ward right now. Pray and pray as I might, I don't get that same confirmation. I think he is doing a good job, we have had some sweet experiences, but I have never felt like he is the only one that can do this job as bishop in this ward right now. If anything I get stronger feelings that it's time to reconnect with our family.

So is it just bad form, selfish, lack of faith, putting our eternal salvation in peril to leave a job as bishop after only a year? Do you think extended family relationships trump church callings?

Wow, Thanks for the support MrM. (not) I'm brand new to this board. Is this how warm and helpful it always is? You sound very chauvanistic. And by the way- no, it has ALWAYS been about where my husband wants to work and where our kids have done well in school. It has NEVER been about me in 25 years of marriage. EVER!!

AND I will still support him no matter what, but he tends to get complacent (too comfortable) and not stretch and reach out of his comfort zone. I think he is using this bishop thing as an excuse to not have to broaden his horizons.

Ok, I edited it out my last comment because it wasn't very nice. But honestly, are you married? If so, is it ever about her??

Thanks Palerider.

Makes me wonder though. I knew a stake president who left his calling after 3 yrs. to take a new job. Tradition has them in there for 10, and bishops in for 5. Our stake president said he thought my husband was to be bishop "right now" but never assigned a time frame to it.

"Being a bishop is not being complacent. The blessings being a Bishop will have in your lives can be countless. So, just so it doesn't make your desires too one sided, just make sure you consider that in the balance. "

I have considered it. We have lived it for a year. I honestly think I saw more spiritual growth in him before he was called as bishop. That may have been the preparatory humbling that went on. But for the last year it has been one administrative, worthiness or welfare nightmare after another. I have encouraged him and prayed with him and for him, not complained one iota about the extra time he spends in church service. I pick up the slack at home, counsel with him when he want's to talk, give him back rubs when he's stressed. I don't know what else to do. I feel like I'm being the best bishop's wife I can be. All I can see is that he has been more stressed for the last year. I don't see or feel the spiritual growth in him I thought I would. I wasn't expecting miracles but even an incremental year's worth of growth doesn't seem to be there.

I actually begged him NOT to pursue this job if it wasn't what he wanted to do. I didn't want to get my hopes up. HE was the one who felt he needed to fly out there to check it out. Now they are expressing interest in him, have invited me out to see the area, have offered free lodging and meals while I'm there. The package they are offering is the best we've seen in 6 years. He could have cut off the process at any point but now he's hedging. I wonder if he's just scared of the unknown.

"By which we generally mean wife and children. The notion that we need to put careers and church service on the back burner for the sake of extended family seems, to me, to be a bit of a stretch. (extenuating needs and circumstances excepted)"

Why is this a stretch? Life is about family. We are taught that family is the most important thing, should be our highest priority. Every person's realtionship with extended family is different. I have some friends who relish the fact that they are so far from their families and don't have to get involved in the drama. They want as little contact as possible. I, on the otherhand grew up with cousins, aunts and uncles visiting all the time. They were a joy to us. I grew up loved and secure in that family. It was the same for my husband's family. (So I'm puzzled at why he doesn't care more about those kinds' of relationships.) I wan't my own children to experience that same sense of belonging. My older kids do, having spent many years close to them. But I've had 4 children since we left our home town, 2 since leaving our home state. And they have missed SO much. WE have tried to provide fun experiences for them here. But it breaks my heart to think they will never have those same memories.

Sometimes family ties ARE the most important thing. Crucial and vital for some people. I don't think we can prioritize someone elses values.

So the big thing I see is that you have never learned to call where you live now home. You still think of your former living place as home.

You admit that you're not trying as hard as you could (or should) to build relationships because of the transient nature of the ward.

You conditioned your support for him in this calling on his continued search for a job closer to "home." Sounds kind of like, "sure honey, accept this calling, but get us out of here as soon as possible."

Your stake president says that he feels that your husband is the person to be bishop right now, but you counter with, "there are other people that can do it." But that isn't really the point, is it? Whether there are other people that can do it or not, the Lord has called your husband. You seem less interested in whether the Lord is ready to give him up, or if there's anyone else that can take the mantel so you don't have to have any ties to where you currently live. The way you ask if it can be less also indicates you're looking for an out, for some kind of justification that it's okay to leave it.

You also are questioning your husband's feelings. He felt good about pursuing this job before, but now he doesn't feel as good. You're quick to assign that to his insecurities, probably because if it's his insecurities, then what he's feeling isn't real and can be ignored.

Being a bishop is tough. It's really tough. And it's absolutely fantastic! And spiritual growth is not linear. You won't necessarily see him progress as much in later years as he did earlier. What's more, in the first year, there are so many administrative things that have to be learned that some of the spiritual growth gets thwarted. My bishop just finished the second year of his tenure, for most of which I've been his clerk. The difference in the quality of his leadership and growth between the first year and the last year is night and day.

Now I'm not going to say you shouldn't move, nor will I say that you should. I'm just saying that I'm not convinced you're as open minded about the possibility of staying as you try to come across. You seem like you're looking for a way out. If that's the case, then you're not going to get clear answers from the Lord.

Anyway, that's the impression I get from your writings thus far.

[carlimac]

"My bishop just finished the second year of his tenure, for most of which I've been his clerk."

Yes, I thought you were a man. (Women aren't called to be ward clerks.) A woman's perspective is likely to be different. We tend to need and place a higher priority on certain kinds of supportive relationships. You are right on some points in your post but dead wrong on others. I guess it just goes to show that you really can't judge another person, especially on an internet forum unless you ARE them, or at least walk in their shoes. There is MUCH more info I haven't divulged about this whole scenario.

Edited February 9, 2010 by carlimac

[Bethie]

I don't know what else to do. I feel like I'm being the best bishop's wife I can be.

I'm sure you are, and I'm sure your husband must appreciate you more than you know.

All I can see is that he has been more stressed for the last year. I don't see or feel the spiritual growth in him I thought I would. I wasn't expecting miracles but even an incremental year's worth of growth doesn't seem to be there.

Give your husband the same break you are giving yourself. I'm sure he is doing the best he can.

Also, give him all your support in this decision. Let him know you will be happy whatever you are guided to do as a family. Don't ever let him feel like he has let you down in anyway. Don't ever allow him to feel guilt that you are not happy with things just the way they are.

Choose happiness.

You can only change yourself...you cannot change another.

God Bless!

[Guest]

By the way, is this place you are moving to also has his family there?

[carlimac]

Neither of us have family right in the town we'd be moving to, but 6 of our 8 siblings, most of their children and grandchildren (those that have them already) as well as his mother all live in the same town a few hours drive away. His father and both my parents have passed away.

Last night we did a family conference call with his family. They were all discussing a cabin on the lake and boating trip they will be going on together out where they live. It will be without us since it's right during our two teen daughters' YW camp. All we could do was sit there quietly and listen. Ouch! This Sunday is the annual Valentine cookie decorating party at his mother's place with all the grandchildren. Ouch again. Tomorrow is my sister's 60th birthday celebration. Ouch again.

If we were 3 hours away, we obviously woudn't be making the drive for every little party but we'd certainly average better than our current one or two every few years.

I have also had to miss the funerals of several dear aunts and uncles, weddings of nieces and nephews, quarterly dinners with a group of fourteen childhood friends who are still close (I'm sort of an emeritus member), and weddings of their children. Also many many other reunion type events.

It stinks to be left out in the cold (literally and figuratively). Yes -That comment is totally about me!! Some of my kids don't know what they are missing because we don't tell them. And my husband doesn't seem to mind all that much. He's a guy.

Edited February 9, 2010 by carlimac

[Wingnut]

Yes, I thought you were a man...A woman's perspective is likely to be different.

Well, I'm a woman, and I have to say that I agree with MOE's assessment.

I have also had to miss the funerals of several dear aunts and uncles, weddings of nieces and nephews, quarterly dinners with a group of fourteen childhood friends who are still close (I'm sort of an emeritus member), and weddings of their children. Also many many other reunion type events.

That happens when you choose to move away. I haven't yet met a husband and wife who didn't decide together when to take a job in another city, or move somewhere else.

I live in a ward with a very transient population. We have a lot of grad students here. I can't tell you how many women in my ward complain about the area, and how they can't wait to "move back home" after school or residency. It bothers me to no end.* Home is where you choose it to be. You can be happy anywhere you choose to be.

Choose happiness.

*I have one friend whose attitude is understandable in this scenario. She met her husband a few weeks before he moved here, then they had a long distance relationship for several months before they married. She moved here because he was already here. To not choose it would have meant to delay their wedding for three years.

[Faded]

Why haven't you grown up??????

Has it always been about YOU????

Supporting your husband's calling only if he keeps trying to leave it is selfish and really very non-supportive.

Your home and family is where your husband and children are, and always has been. I'm glad I'm not your husband, because I would want to take a vacation to somewhere other than my old hometown.

You must be driving him crazy.

Anyone ever hear the saying, "If you can't say something nice, then sit down and shut up?" How about "It is best to be silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.

So is it just bad form, selfish, lack of faith, putting our eternal salvation in peril to leave a job as bishop after only a year? Do you think extended family relationships trump church callings?

I think the question you and your husband ought to be asking is, "Does this move work better for our immediate family?" If your husband would be taking a very, very large pay-cut to make it happen?

There is one thing that should come before all else: God's opinion. Where does God want you.

Our bishop of a couple years had to move and that was that. So no, leaving after a short time as bishop is not sinful, but it's a pretty good reason to check with God and make sure it's what he wants you to be doing.

[BenRaines]

I think I read most of the posts here. I don't recall reading one where someone said "Have the two of you prayed about it and sought an answer to your decision?"

Remember the way to seek answer to prayer is not to ask "What should I do" but to make a decision and then seek confirmation from the Lord.

Good luck,

Ben Raines

[Faded]

I think I read most of the posts here. I don't recall reading one where someone said "Have the two of you prayed about it and sought an answer to your decision?"

Remember the way to seek answer to prayer is not to ask "What should I do" but to make a decision and then seek confirmation from the Lord.

Good luck,

Ben Raines

LOL, I believe I just did. But you're right, I think that got missed most of the way through this thread.

[Guest]

I think I read most of the posts here. I don't recall reading one where someone said "Have the two of you prayed about it and sought an answer to your decision?"

Remember the way to seek answer to prayer is not to ask "What should I do" but to make a decision and then seek confirmation from the Lord.

Good luck,

Ben Raines

LOL, I believe I just did. But you're right, I think that got missed most of the way through this thread.

You guys! It's on the VERY FIRST response to the OP! Of course it is there! This is the LDS forum after all!

[carlimac]

LOl! I didn't mean to start a brawl here. Yes we have prayed- lots! And we don't have an answer yet. So we DO need to make this decision and then ask our Father in Heaven again. But we don't have all the information we need yet to make the wisest choice. There are other factors involved - long convoluted stories that don't have anything to do with the original question but that could influence the end result.

I think I probably gave too much information. (And not enough at the same time. No one reading this could possibly get the whole gist of the situation. ) All I was really wondering was if there is any church policy about how long a bishop normally serves and if it's really uncommon for a bishop to move away before he is released.

Sorry to be a bother with what has appeared to some of you to be a bash my husband pity party. That was not my intention at all. I love him dearly. I support him completely. I trust the Lord to help us work this out according to His will. We are a family blessed beyond measure.

[miztrniceguy]

Is the amount of time a man serves as bishop arbitrary or is 5 years standard (and mandatory)?

My understanding is to be prepared for 5 years as needed.

In the book my wife is currently writing, (3rd in a series of 6) the main character is a bishop (widowed) who is in his 6 years into his 2nd term, after having a year off from his first term of 7 years.

[MsQwerty]

For what it's worth, my bishop and his family bought a house outside of the ward boundary. That meant he was released less than two years after he received the calling. I'm not saying this is the reason they moved, but I do know his wife well and she found it terribly stressful dealing with a large family of young children and coping many nights and days alone with them. He's a wonderful faithful, compassionate man, and he always puts his family first. They're happy in their new ward. He's glad to have a calling in Primary

[Guest Alana]

We sure don't follow the 5 year rule around here. In my mind, callings in church don't hold any sway over if we move or not. Life progresses and moves on, as do Bishops. If you guys leave, they'll find a new Bishop whom the Lord will qualify. We've had wonderful Bishops move for jobs, we've had Bishops get called to the Stake Presidency and all sorts of things. We've had Bishops last over 10 years.

[carlimac]

We sure don't follow the 5 year rule around here. In my mind, callings in church don't hold any sway over if we move or not. Life progresses and moves on, as do Bishops. If you guys leave, they'll find a new Bishop whom the Lord will qualify. We've had wonderful Bishops move for jobs, we've had Bishops get called to the Stake Presidency and all sorts of things. We've had Bishops last over 10 years.

Thanks Alana. I think the Lord is much more flexible and loving and understanding than we give Him credit for sometimes.

Edited February 9, 2010 by carlimac

[HEthePrimate]

Let him take the job. "Family first," as they say.

HEP

[carlimac]

:):):):)

My understanding is to be prepared for 5 years as needed.

In the book my wife is currently writing, (3rd in a series of 6) the main character is a bishop (widowed) who is in his 6 years into his 2nd term, after having a year off from his first term of 7 years.

Oooh! What book series is this? We have a famous author in our midst? :)

[miztrniceguy]

Not famous, but building a following. google Moriah Jovan

[FairChild]

I had one bishop that served for about 3 months and was released because he chose to move.

[JudoMinja]

I have been reading over this thread and giving it a lot of thought, and I finally think I may have something useful to add.

My father does not have any strong family ties. His grandfather was in the military and moved around a lot. Then his father moved around a lot (not military though). Then my dad joined the military and moved around a lot. His family is scattered all over the globe. They will occassionally have a large family get together, but these are rare. The last one I remember was Thanksgiving probably about 10 years ago. He doesn't have a problem with this and keeps in touch with his family through the occassional phone call or email, usually on birthdays and holidays. He doesn't care that much about being close to his immediate family either and can't wait to get us kids out of the house .

My mother, on the other hand, grew up in a small town and had all her family nearby all her life. When she married my dad, she moved around with him everywhere he went which was a big change and shocking experience for her. She often talks about wanting to be near her family again, but is also content with currently living somewhere that there is no snow to shovel. She misses the closeness of her family, yet also knows this is where we were meant to be at this time.

Right now, my father is retired from the military and is working a computer/web-mastering job. He is always applying other places, looking for a better job than the one he currently has, I think because he's really just struck with wanderlust and can't settle down. They've already been in this same location far longer than anywhere else they've ever lived.

What he does when looking for other jobs is apply to anything he finds that sounds like it might work out well. Some of these are close to where my mother grew up, but not all. They're just all over the place. If one of them seems interested, he'll talk it over with them on the phone and if it sounds promising will go for an interview. He then does some research on the area. He checks out the cost-of-living, housing possibilities, the nearest church building and temple, the schools, etc. If it looks like they're going to ask him to take the job, he talks everything over with my mom to see what she thinks and then prays about it.

So far, he hasn't accepted anything different from the job he took right after retiring. Usually, its because the pay isn't enough to make up for the rise in cost-of-living and after praying he feels that it just isn't the right time to go anywhere.

Currently, he's looking at a hobby-farm near where my mother grew up that costs about the same as the house we have now (and it comes with 131 acres of land! awesome deal!). He may or may not go through with this, but what it always boils down to is he wants to make the best move for the family. This decision takes into consideration all the changes- financial, school, the moving process, adjusting to the new location, etc.

No matter what though, he always councels with my mom about it and always prays about it. The decision ends up being a three-way choice. His, hers, and Gods.

[carlimac]

TO mztrniceguy

Soooo, (cough, cough...um) I take it from the cover of one of the books that she (and you?) aren't exactly mainstream. That book would never make it into Deseret Book. I'm curious about this series and how it came about. Maybe you should start a new thread to tell us about it, or maybe you already have sometime in the past? I've been on this forum about two days now.

Edited February 10, 2010 by carlimac