Divorced...

[JudoMinja]

My final court date has been set. No response from my husband, so its looking like it will be uncontested. In just a little over a week I will be divorced, and I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling.

Everyone around me comments on how well I've handled everything, how strong I am. Now that the actual divorce is so close, I'm wondering how strong I really am. I feel like the person at the funeral of a loved one who has shown no emotion. The person who, upon hearing about the death, became a rock wall. The person who kept everything together and saw everyone else through their grief, without shedding a tear of their own.

I've had several sleepless nights and nights where I've cried myself to sleep, yet that is where my emotional breakthroughs stop. I've been solid and firm, forgiving and understanding. I've been open with others and shared details where appropriate in speaking with friends and family and/or offering advice for others. Yet, I still feel emotionally distant, and now these emotions I've blocked are starting to creep up on me.

I don't know. I'll be glad to be divorce. I'll be glad its finally over and I won't have to legally worry about him anymore. But there is also a looming fear that once he is informed of the terms of the divorce that he will try to hunt me down. And while I know I can take care of my son on my own and live the life of an independant single mother, I'm not looking forward to being available again. I want to be happily married, but I fear the process of looking for a good match. I am capable of being happily single, but I feel remorse for the marriage that did not work out.

I know this is part of the healing process, and I had predicted these feelings would finally start surfacing once the close of the divorce approached, but its still a little overwhelming. It makes me feel weak and insecure, scared and uncertain, and ultimately depressed.

[Iggy]

I was the one who left the marriage and filed for divorce- yet after the elation of the finalization of it- I was hit with the grief. I honestly felt like I had been slammed into a brick wall!

Then my dear friends and members of my Branch helped me work through the grieving process. It is a death. Death of a marriage.

One instance that was so bizarre was about a year after the finalization- I was in Fred Myer in the grocery section. They had Best Foods Mayo on sale- really good sale- and I started putting jars in my cart. Figured I should get about 5 of them. Then I stopped dead in my tracks and said out loud. What in the world am I doing. I am not the one who likes this stuff!! I like Miracle Whip. There was another shopper in the aisle, a man close to my age, and all he said was "Newly divorced" Yep, so right.

When I got home and unpacked the 2 jars of Miracle Whip, I sat down and just bawled.

I remarried a couple of years later- member of the church- he dislikes mayo just as much as I do - He also dislikes Miracle Whip , good all the more for me .

Don't date until you are ready. And pay attention to how your son reacts to your dates. If he really doesn't like them, and not jealous because they are taking up Mommies time and attention, then heed that and don't continue to see them.

[john doe]

Don't rush out to be 'on the market' again. Take your time and do it only when you, and your son, are ready. So often people rush into the next thing, anything, and it turns out to be the exact wrong thing.

[pam]

I'm going to mention the advice that a good friend of mine who is a former Stake president gave me when I was first divorced. He said not to go into the dating market until 1 year after the divorce. It's a time to concentrate on you and your child. Also the first year people are the most vulnerable.

I took his advice and it was the best advice I was ever given.

[ladykemma2]

it's been two years since the divorce. the deep grief stage was the hardest. but then the stages kept going on.

then came the pathetic stage, then the incredibly selfish stage, and now I am in the repair stage. literally fixing everything broken in me and the house.

[dazed-and-confused]

well, everyone has agreed on one important point........don't dive back into the dating scene. my thoughts as well. as for the greif, i'm sure you've heard about the "greiving process" needing to take it's own course, YOUR course, if it's a year, good..if longer, still good. right now, as far as your feelings "starting to creep up on you"....when you were "emotionally distant, and noit feeling", it's like the old saying of being to close to see the forrest for the trees, and perhaps now you're JUST satrting to come to the edge of the forrest. i dare say that soon you will be clear of it altogether...in time, though. give yourself that time as a gift to yourself...to ghrieve, heal and reclaim your own self again.

[JudoMinja]

Thanks everyone. I know I'm not ready to be "on the market" any time soon, but people around me have been making me feel rushed. There's the "stalker" guy (not really that bad) I'm still trying to get rid of. My mom already trying to play match-maker. My brother (also going through a divorce) who already has a girlfriend. Then a good friend of mine who just got through a divorce of her own and immediately jumped into all the single activities to start "shopping".

I also know I have a lot of anxiety about the approaching court date that is just bubbling up. I've had a couple nightmares invloving my husband coming here and threatening me. I know theres no way he's going to show up, but the fact that I haven't heard from him since I left makes that VERY slim possibility nerve-wracking. The thought of even being in the same room with him terrifies me.

While logically, I know this divorce won't be anywhere near as eventful as my imagination wants to make it out to be, I'm getting nervous and antsy and scared.

Then, of course, there's the pressure to start dating. I don't want to yet, and I won't, but that doesn't change the fact that the pressure is there. Most importantly, I want my son to have the best I can provide for him, which means I'm going to be extra careful and picky when the time comes that I do feel ready.

Anyway, I'm just grateful to have a place I can post these thoughts and sound them off on people who have already been through divorce. Even if your advice is nothing more than stuff I already know and have heard, its nice to hear that affirmation. Thanks again.

[Guest mirancs8]

While logically, I know this divorce won't be anywhere near as eventful as my imagination wants to make it out to be, I'm getting nervous and antsy and scared.

Then, of course, there's the pressure to start dating. I don't want to yet, and I won't, but that doesn't change the fact that the pressure is there. Most importantly, I want my son to have the best I can provide for him, which means I'm going to be extra careful and picky when the time comes that I do feel ready.

Anyway, I'm just grateful to have a place I can post these thoughts and sound them off on people who have already been through divorce. Even if your advice is nothing more than stuff I already know and have heard, its nice to hear that affirmation. Thanks again.

I like the way you worded it, "...this divorce won't be anywhere near as eventful as my imagination wants to make it out to be..." I sometimes feel like my imagination goes wild with thoughts of the what ifs and such (I have a Protection Order in place). Also I think I make it much more worse in my mind because if the worst should happen it won't be such a shock to my system. Having 2 small boys I'd rather be prepared then knock down face first by him. I know if he wants to he can at any moment cause caios in our lives so it's best I be prepared even if nothing comes out of it.

Ah yes the pressures of dating. So fun isn't it? I dread the thought of feeling uncomfortable and somewhat shy. I never enjoyed dating and even after 12 years of a toxic marriage I still do not get excited at the thought of "shopping around" or a friend/family member setting me up on a "blind date." I loved being married but unfortunately our relationship was very toxic. I hope that I will be fortunate enough to find someone special and be married again. More importantly in a normal and healthy relationship filled with an eternal love for each other.

My preference would be a friendship that blossoms into a wonderful, healthy, and loving relationship. That would be my ideal. What's great about being friends at the beginning is it gives you both a chance to really know each other without feeling the pressure of "we are dating" that comes with it. More importantly you get a chance to give time for the blending of the children into the picture. When you have kids it changes how you approach dating because this will be a huge impact on them. It's much easier to say to your child "this is a friend of mine" that way they don't feel threatened immediately and you will be able to observe him with your children. You will soon see your kids naturally becoming attached and from that point it is easier to transition into a more serious committed relationship with him.

Good luck with your final steps to completing the divorce process. Stay strong and just let the dating happen as naturally as possible. Become friends and see what happens. You really never know who will come into your life and when.

Edited February 16, 2010 by mirancs8

[JudoMinja]

The final court date got pushed back because, it turns out, my lawyer wasn't really doing his job. :3

I kept expecting to have a meeting with him where we went over things in detail to determine our course of action. This never happened. Temporary orders were put in place and they weren't as stingent as I would have liked, but I was reassured that my husband is so far away and unresponsive (seems to have given up on me), and they told me this was the best I could expect to get right now and could ask for what I wanted when it came time to finalize it.

I had my pre-trial appointment and they started feeding me the same line about such-and-such being the best I could get. I said I wouldn't feel safe without having certain things put in place (sole custody, a protective order and injunction, and a name and social change for myself and my son), and finally had the opportunity to explain in some detail why I felt this way. The lawyer agreed that we should get this done the right way and ask for what I stated. So, he's adjusting the terms, which means my husband has to get served all over again and we have to wait a while.

I don't mind the wait as I really want things done properly so my son and I can be safe, but what bothers me is that now I have to write a detailed account of the abuse (enough to establish the pattern of his behavior and justification for the measures I'm asking). I was expecting to have to do something along this line before the court date, but now that I'm doing it, I'm finding it very difficult to write a statement that goes into the necessary detail as I really don't like reliving it.

[JudoMinja]

Divorce once again pending- working on healing from abuse

I signed the amendment to my divorce papers on Friday, and I'm just now starting to emotionally let go of that detailed account. It was hard handing it over to the attourney to read and keep for documentation, almost as hard as it was to write it. It has opened my eyes, though, to how much more I need to do to fully heal. I keep hitting points where I feel like I'm past it all, that I've put it behind me and I can move on with my life, then something happens that shows me I have not yet fully healed. I know the pain will always be there, it will never completely go away, but I guess I thought I'd get through the major healing quickly since I'm such an introspective and analytical person.

Fears and worries, doubts and uncertainties have come back full force since writing that. What bothers me most now, is I feel this urgent need to know what is going on with my husband right now. Last I heard from him was his response to my letter of closure, where he bitterly said he wants nothing more to do with the church, that I can't keep his son from him without a court order, and he's homeless. Basically, a three-pronged attack of anger, fear, and guilt. At first, I shrugged it off, recognizing it for what it was and not letting myself be baited in. Now though, I'm just so anxious to know what he's up to.

I find myself up at night, unable to sleep, worried and fearful. I know trying to keep tabs on him won't do me any good, but I keep trying to find ways to figure out what's going on without creating a link back to me. He has a myspace page which he's stopped using since I left, so I looked up his friend who had posted that he's started using facebook. So I looked up this friends facebook profile and found him in his friends under a made-up name. His information is hidden from view to all but his friends, but there is a post that says he has information on his personal webpage. So now, I'm finding myself wanting to find a link to that webpage so I can see what's on it.

It's stupid. I know it is. I should just let go, but it's like there is a part of me that won't stop being afraid until I know what is going on with him. I feel like if I don't keep tabs on him, eventually he's going to show up out of the blue to hurt me and/or take my son from me. I think part of what has me so scared is that I KNOW he is the kind of person who will take the law into his own hands if he feels it isn't doing him justice. He's been in a gang- actually formed his own which he led and admitted to me of having people "taken care of" when they caused problems. He's also admitted to tracking people's locations down online, so he knows how to find me when he's ready. I'm afraid that when he manages to get the means (money and transportation) to do so, he'll come after me.

I'm scared. And I'm grasping for any form of security I can get. Knowledge is security. Knowledge of where he is and what he's doing.

I can't seem to shake my fear. It is too difficult to give it up and put trust in God that everything will be alright when I just re-lived in such intimate detail everything this man did to me and knowing his disregard for the law and anyone who gets in the way of what he wants.

On top of it all, I've been losing my sense of security at home. My brother was just kicked out, because he's been living at home with his kids for over a year now, sitting on everything and not getting his life sorted out. He doesn't want to give custody of his kids to their mother, but he doesn't want to be responsible and take care of them either, so he always ditches them on our mother and me. He goes out and does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with whomever he wants, without even giving the common courtesy of letting mom know when to expect him home. There was an argument between him and his wife over the custody arrangments yesterday, she now has them with her for spring break and he's not welcome home anymore.

My father has been trying to push him out the door ever since he started on his self-destructive path of behavior (long before he even had a child), wanting to make him man-up and grow-up. My mother is on the other extreme, wanting to be there for him no matter what and basically letting him walk all over her. There is no middle ground- mom either gets walked all over or dad kicks him out, and he finally got kicked out.

Dad has also been pushing me to get out on my own and be independant too, which I am trying to do, but finding it difficult. My education isn't enough to get me anything better than a minimum wage job, but I'm also very close to finishing my bachelors degree which will open up more opportunities. I finally, just this last month, formulated a plan that will get me out on my own by September by the very latest, and I feel strongly that it will work out, but now I'm finding myself wondering if I'm going to get kicked out before September rolls around.

I believe this is fueling the re-emergence of my fears as well, and I just need something that will return my sense of security so that I can face the world again.

[Guest mirancs8]

Divorce once again pending- working on healing from abuse

I signed the amendment to my divorce papers on Friday, and I'm just now starting to emotionally let go of that detailed account. It was hard handing it over to the attourney to read and keep for documentation, almost as hard as it was to write it. It has opened my eyes, though, to how much more I need to do to fully heal. I keep hitting points where I feel like I'm past it all, that I've put it behind me and I can move on with my life, then something happens that shows me I have not yet fully healed. I know the pain will always be there, it will never completely go away, but I guess I thought I'd get through the major healing quickly since I'm such an introspective and analytical person.

I can't even begin to imagine how difficult that must have been for you to have to relive all that abuse. I hope that I don't have to do that at some point but at the rate I am going with him I could see it happening. I can relate to hitting different points... feeling like you are past it all... then feeling like I'm back at square one with it all. You get to a point where you would rather always expect the worst just in case the worst was to happen. At least then you are prepared. Yes the pain will always be there but over time you will be able to manage it better. You are in a really rough spot. You are living with your parents you are young and you have child. This is not easy! We all heal at a different rate. For me I had to heal quickly or it would destroy me. I can't let him have the upper hand in thinking that I weakened and couldn't handle it. NO... I showed him I can handle it PLUS more!

Fears and worries, doubts and uncertainties have come back full force since writing that. What bothers me most now, is I feel this urgent need to know what is going on with my husband right now. Last I heard from him was his response to my letter of closure, where he bitterly said he wants nothing more to do with the church, that I can't keep his son from him without a court order, and he's homeless. Basically, a three-pronged attack of anger, fear, and guilt. At first, I shrugged it off, recognizing it for what it was and not letting myself be baited in. Now though, I'm just so anxious to know what he's up to.

Yep I feel the same way maybe not to such a strong degree as you but I do feel doubts and uncertainties. I find myself trying to track his every move and making sure I'm 10 step ahead of him. He thinks this is a game of Risk and he's trying to strategies how he can destroy me. Everything that he said to you (can't keep his son away, homelessness...) it's all about making you feel bad. You are guilty of doing this to him. It is ALL your fault didn't you know that! My ex pulled the same stunt except it was that he was going to blow his brains out. That all got real old after a while. Do everything you can to not let him make you feel guilty! He knows how to work you.

I find myself up at night, unable to sleep, worried and fearful. I know trying to keep tabs on him won't do me any good, but I keep trying to find ways to figure out what's going on without creating a link back to me. He has a myspace page which he's stopped using since I left, so I looked up his friend who had posted that he's started using facebook. So I looked up this friends facebook profile and found him in his friends under a made-up name. His information is hidden from view to all but his friends, but there is a post that says he has information on his personal webpage. So now, I'm finding myself wanting to find a link to that webpage so I can see what's on it.

It's tough to sleep when you have all this plus a child on your mind. This is a lot to handle for one person. Good for you that you have done so well to this point. Believe me as time passes it will get even more easier. It's going to seem like the worst moment in your life right now but you will see in time things getting better for you and your child. It's OK to do all this research as it will give you an upper hand BUT do not let it consume you!! Take it from me when I tell you don't let it get out of control and become every waking moment of your day.

It's stupid. I know it is. I should just let go, but it's like there is a part of me that won't stop being afraid until I know what is going on with him. I feel like if I don't keep tabs on him, eventually he's going to show up out of the blue to hurt me and/or take my son from me. I think part of what has me so scared is that I KNOW he is the kind of person who will take the law into his own hands if he feels it isn't doing him justice. He's been in a gang- actually formed his own which he led and admitted to me of having people "taken care of" when they caused problems. He's also admitted to tracking people's locations down online, so he knows how to find me when he's ready. I'm afraid that when he manages to get the means (money and transportation) to do so, he'll come after me.

You have every reason to be concerned. Nothing wrong with that but don't let it eat you up inside. Since he's been in a gang and actually formed one that is reason enough to be concerned for your safety as well as your son. One thing that tips me off that he if he was actually in a gang at some point why would he even tell you that he had a person "taken care of" unless he is using it to shadow fear over you (to control you?). My ex tried to pull that stuff on me and I told him to talk to the hand:rolleyes: Plus I am much better connect then he is so he can't even play that game with me.

I'm scared. And I'm grasping for any form of security I can get. Knowledge is security. Knowledge of where he is and what he's doing.

I can't seem to shake my fear. It is too difficult to give it up and put trust in God that everything will be alright when I just re-lived in such intimate detail everything this man did to me and knowing his disregard for the law and anyone who gets in the way of what he wants.

I don't blame you for not being able to shake the fear. I'd be shaking, crying, pulling my hair out, and doing all kinds of things in such a stressful situation. To have to relive all those details it really hard. Being a person who always puts stuff behind me for my own sanity I can't imagine having to relive it all over again. You are such a strong person for doing that and all for the right reasons. This way you can do what's right for the safety of your son and yourself. You are a terrific mother for that!

On top of it all, I've been losing my sense of security at home. My brother was just kicked out, because he's been living at home with his kids for over a year now, sitting on everything and not getting his life sorted out. He doesn't want to give custody of his kids to their mother, but he doesn't want to be responsible and take care of them either, so he always ditches them on our mother and me. He goes out and does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with whomever he wants, without even giving the common courtesy of letting mom know when to expect him home. There was an argument between him and his wife over the custody arrangments yesterday, she now has them with her for spring break and he's not welcome home anymore.

My father has been trying to push him out the door ever since he started on his self-destructive path of behavior (long before he even had a child), wanting to make him man-up and grow-up. My mother is on the other extreme, wanting to be there for him no matter what and basically letting him walk all over her. There is no middle ground- mom either gets walked all over or dad kicks him out, and he finally got kicked out.

Dad has also been pushing me to get out on my own and be independant too, which I am trying to do, but finding it difficult. My education isn't enough to get me anything better than a minimum wage job, but I'm also very close to finishing my bachelors degree which will open up more opportunities. I finally, just this last month, formulated a plan that will get me out on my own by September by the very latest, and I feel strongly that it will work out, but now I'm finding myself wondering if I'm going to get kicked out before September rolls around.

I believe this is fueling the re-emergence of my fears as well, and I just need something that will return my sense of security so that I can face the world again.

I don't think I could put pressure on my daughter like that in the situation you are in. You are young have a child and were in an abusive situation. This is when family is there for you to help you through it all. Sure I want to be independent too but the reality is I need the help right now... so do you. Your parents should at least give you till you finish school and secure a decent paying job (not great paying but enough you can survive). It's not like you are laying around the house eating bon bons! I hope your parents are understanding and keep you around till you finish that degree.

Now with my son yes I think I would be tougher. Man up and stop acting like a child. Sure I could see that happening with a son. Especially if he has custody of the children AND he can't seem to handle it.

It was great that you posted an update and I do pray for you! I pray that you and your son stay safe and out of danger. Keep doing what you are doing. Remember you're a great mother for doing what you are doing.

[theBUBBAMANcan]

I'm going thru a divorce too...and I know all about the emotional roller-coaster ride and sleepless nights.

Prayers for you!