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lostintranslation

Can I ever trust in a marriage again?

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:fingerscrossed:

Here's my background:

Married at 19 in the temple to my exhusband.

That night he brought pornography into the relationship, and demanded sex constantly.

Hide his pornography problem on and off for four years. Decided he didn't believe in God, and stopped going to church...abused my verbally and sexually. I decided to leave him at 23 and divorced him over a year and a half ago.

Now, to put it mildly, I am pretty traumatized about the whole marriage experience and have severe trust issues with men. I have been dating a wonderful, supportive man in the church for about nine months. We have talked about marriage (he is divorced as well), but I can't help but think that all guys' are addicted porn and will cheat on me. I am really trying to trust him, and want to be married to him! I just don't know how I can stop making myself think he will treat me bad as well once the ring is on the finger! Always being hypersensitive about it being and issue and checking for signs that aren't even there. Help! :o(

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I can certainly understand your concern and trepidation in this situation. Just remember, not all men (or women for that matter) are the same. Just because one may do this, doesn't mean all do. There are some wonderful men out there and you may have found just the one to make you happy.

Have you talked to him about your concerns?

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Thanks Pam!

Yes I have, and he has always always reassured me that I shouldn't worry. He offered to give me all this passwords to his accounts if this made me feel more comfortable, but I don't believe I need to have those. He has told me that his older brother was addicted to porn growing up, and so he would lay it around in his room for him and his older sister to find. I am currently in counseling for this issue, and hope that will help as well! I sure do need it! Just hard to hear a guy say...No, i don't have a problem and not give them that suspicious look and the third degree! :o(

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You would not be human if you didn't have these worries and fears. I'm glad to hear you are in counseling for this. I hope that will help.

I also commend him for offering his passwords and all. That shows a trust in you and also an understanding of your concerns.

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I'm sorry you had such a terrible time in your relationship. You married someone who treated you terribly.

As bad as your past is, you have to make a decision. You can either:

A) Hold on to the past. This will protect you and keep you from ever experiencing this again. It will, however, poison any relationship you have and keep you from ever fully sharing yourself. You will feel alone, even when you're not, but you will be safe.

B) Let it go. It's not so easily done, but you need to stop and think whenever the old feelings well up. Count to ten, take a deep breath and don't let it control you. In this, you might get hurt. It might happen again - No one can guarantee it won't - But you can heal the hurt and feel better and you don't have to be alone.

It's not an easy decision, but know that you're loved and that things can work out for you if you take the chance.

Thanks Pam!

Yes I have, and he has always always reassured me that I shouldn't worry. He offered to give me all this passwords to his accounts if this made me feel more comfortable, but I don't believe I need to have those. He has told me that his older brother was addicted to porn growing up, and so he would lay it around in his room for him and his older sister to find. I am currently in counseling for this issue, and hope that will help as well! I sure do need it! Just hard to hear a guy say...No, i don't have a problem and not give them that suspicious look and the third degree! :o(

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It is definitely hard to trust again when your trust has been broken. And any form of abuse is of course going to intensify that. I understand.

It is important to find the middle ground. You need to know how to look for warnings and problems so you don't end up in an equally horrible relationship, but you also need to know how to recognize when you're just nitpicking and being overly analytical.

One thing that might help you, along with the counseling is to read up on signs of abuse. There are many books out there that teach you what warning signs to look for in even the early stages of a relationship that might lead to abuse. If you can cancel these out, then it might be easier to lower your guard and open your trust to him.

And, I think, the best way to be sure you don't have to worry about pornography is to be very certain of where he stands spiritually and in his testimony. If he is strong, he won't succomb to pornography.

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Guest mirancs8

Married at 19 in the temple to my exhusband.

That night he brought pornography into the relationship, and demanded sex constantly.

Hide his pornography problem on and off for four years. Decided he didn't believe in God, and stopped going to church...abused my verbally and sexually. I decided to leave him at 23 and divorced him over a year and a half ago.

Now, to put it mildly, I am pretty traumatized about the whole marriage experience and have severe trust issues with men. I have been dating a wonderful, supportive man in the church for about nine months. We have talked about marriage (he is divorced as well), but I can't help but think that all guys' are addicted porn and will cheat on me. I am really trying to trust him, and want to be married to him! I just don't know how I can stop making myself think he will treat me bad as well once the ring is on the finger! Always being hypersensitive about it being and issue and checking for signs that aren't even there. Help! :o(

Ah yes... trust issues. I am very familiar with that struggle. Though my trust issues began in my teens the marriage to him did not help my issues any. Like you, he seemed perfectly normal before we got married and once married the abuse started. Though my abuse was not physical the verbal was enough torture for me. The porn was everyday and in my face though he knew I was adamantly against it. I still can't believe I stayed 12 years! I felt like I had been tricked even fooled into believing he was something other then what he portrayed himself as when we were dating. I can tolerate a lot in a relationship but I have to trust him 100%, and porn is out of the question!

He certainly did not help my already existing trust issues. Yes I had his password, no that didn't help. Reality is that he had different passwords and sites I was clueless about until I did an internet history search on his computer. I completely understand how you feel and what you are struggling with. I know it's easy for any of us to say leave it in the past and don't dwell on it. Unfortunately you have to because you don't want it to happen again. Marriage is a serious commitment and being that it failed once you don't want to go through that yet again. It will take a great deal for me to trust a man completely. Just do what you are doing and that is being open and honest with him. I find the more I talk about it the more it will help the other person to understand it.

Imagine being on the other end of it, being the man who is not being trusted. I can't imagine that's any fun when you sincerely love someone and that person can't completely trust you. That must cause pain to that man's heart. This is what I have been trying to be mindful of. I have to keep reminding myself that there are wonderful trustworthy men out there who would be loving and completely honest in our relationship. Just start allowing your guard down a bit... allow yourself to trust him little by little. As you do you will learn that yes you can trust him completely. May take a little bit but it will all be worth it. You would hate to lose a man so special that comes into your life because you are hung up on a rotten marriage in your past.

Feel free to IM me if you want to talk further. I wish you luck. Do give this man the opportunity to be trusted it will be worth it in the end.:)

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The whole porn addiction thing is utterly depressing. I read a study recently that found 7 out of 10 men regularly view pornography, as do 3 out of 10 women.

When you look around the various lds discussion forums on the 'net, one of the most common 'problems' that many men seem to post about is their addiction to pornography.

I can totally see why an lds woman looking for love would wonder how on earth she can decipher if her potential mate is one who struggles with this issue.

Good luck, hope you've found a good, worthy man who honours his priesthood in every way!

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Time heals all wounds as they say.

My experience in the church tells me that the average LDS jumps into marraige too fast. Nine months is not very long, and I'm certainly an advocate of "4 season" courtship ie. seeing someone through an entire annual cycle of holidays, vacations and normal stressful life! Take your time. Have you dated other men since your divorce? Participated in singles activities as part of a group? Had a chance to meet a lot of other men? Talking marraige after only 9 months seems like a lack of maturity and life experience to me. You were married very young, and a lot of normal growing up over the last 4 years has passed you by. You have not had the normal life experiences of someone your age because of your bad marraige.

I reiterate..................take your time.

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Like Pam said there are men and there are MEN! One good thing would be to find out what was the reason of his devorce and not only his side of it. Marriage is in many ways a jump in dark. You may be married for years and sudenly something happens... also ONE thing is important it is to decide to hold out no matter what... unless what you experienced and abuse. Things like one time adultery and even abuse CAN be healed if everyone wants it to be healed, harder with addicts. But that too needs therapy and real commitment. Question then is how much can the innocent person take, how much love that person has.

Whom one marries is a VERY important decition. Maybe that is why it says about the last days that 7 women take hold of one man... as it mostly is the men who deieve. I know a young man, who become addicted to porno already at the age of 12... and he is from a good LDS family, he has a Templerecomend. His parents know, but just pat him.

Marriage is always a jump in to the unknown. At the age of 19 one cannot even think of all bad things that may happen and one is all too much in love to listen. I hope you have had enough bad things now so the nextone will be a caring and good person. Sometimes I feel it would be best to be married a couple of years before getting married in the Temple. There are far too many Tempelmarriages that go wrong today!

You have to think hard, he might be a real gold peace! Anyway IF he loves you he understands and can wait a bit longer. Pray and fast and pary and fat.... but dont quite wanish :D

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It takes a long time to get over that. A year and a half really isn't that long. When it comes to pornography addiction, you need to pay attention to what a man does, not what he says. My good friend divorced her husband and a major issue was his pornography use. When she met her second husband, she told him that was not acceptable to her and how upsetting it was. Even so, he his the fact that he also had a problem because he thought as soon as he was getting sex, he wouldn't need it anymore so it would be a non-issue. That's not what happened, but he did confess later. Thankfully she didn't have to drag it out of him, but it was so upsetting to her that he knew what a big deal it was and he didn't tell her the truth. He just wanted to marry her so bad.

Does your new boyfriend attend the temple regularly? That would be a very positive sign right there. My old bishop said men who have this problem avoid going to the temple, home teaching, giving priesthood blessings, participating in class discussions, etc. because they feel guilty or they don't want to be condemned for doing anything unworthily. If everything looks good in that department, you are still going to be dealing with your paranoia though because everyone is suspectible to it. It seems you have some healing to do. No one wants to have a marriage with constant suspicion or keeping tabs on each other.

It is wonderful that you have fallen in love again. I hope you will be able to get through this but also realize, it is the wise thing to do to have his passwords. A man who used to be in my ward was so awesome - he said that he had the idea to give his wife the passwords and only use the computer when she was home because he didn't want to be tempted. It would be nice to think that a person could be immune to it, but I think you can trust a person who acknowledges it is tempting, but puts safeguards in place.

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:fingerscrossed:

Here's my background:

Married at 19 in the temple to my exhusband.

That night he brought pornography into the relationship, and demanded sex constantly.

Hide his pornography problem on and off for four years. Decided he didn't believe in God, and stopped going to church...abused my verbally and sexually. I decided to leave him at 23 and divorced him over a year and a half ago.

Now, to put it mildly, I am pretty traumatized about the whole marriage experience and have severe trust issues with men. I have been dating a wonderful, supportive man in the church for about nine months. We have talked about marriage (he is divorced as well), but I can't help but think that all guys' are addicted porn and will cheat on me. I am really trying to trust him, and want to be married to him! I just don't know how I can stop making myself think he will treat me bad as well once the ring is on the finger! Always being hypersensitive about it being and issue and checking for signs that aren't even there. Help! :o(

Coming from a not-so-distant case of being betrayed myself, I suppose I have a very good grasp of what you're dealing with. My wife repented and I've forgiven her for committing adultery. We she just finished a year's worth of Church Discipline yesterday morning, as it turns out.

What you find is that people are different. Pornography is a nightmare curse upon us all, and it is no surprise how it affected your ex. "And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit; and if he repents not he shall be cast out. " Satan has had great success in making porn so accessible to anyone, that barely any effort is needed to access it. And glimers of it exist everywhere. The checkout line at the grocery store sports half-naked women. Much of generally accepted clothing today would be lead to scandal, arrest and criminal charges in times past. And references to pornography are more and more commonplace. There is so much encouragement and suggestion for people to seek it out that it is hardly surprising that pornography addiction is so prevalent. And that is the real tragedy.

Some people make disastrous mistakes in their lives, but refuse to give up on the Gospel and do whatever it takes to return themselves to God. My sweet wife is a perfect example. Forgiveness and restoring trust between us did not happen overnight. But ultimately, it did happen.

I would be very frank with your new prospective husband about what happened in your prior marriage and how horrible the experience was for you. If you are absolutely clear that you will never again tolerate a marriage centered around pornography, then I think it should pretty well sort itself out.

In the end, you can either choose to never trust again, or you can take the leap of faith that there are still good and honorable men out there. Your Heavenly Father will lead you in the right direction, so cast all your fears on Him and let Him guide you.

Edited by Faded

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You guys' are all amazing with your words! I just want to thank you all, because you do start to feel very lonely like no one else will understand. You all had some great advice that I will remember, and please....any other comments from new posters are still so welcome! God bless you all!

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