jmac Posted February 19, 2010 Report Share Posted February 19, 2010 I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now, and we have talked about marriage in our future. We both want to take it slow though since we both have been divorced previously. I don't want to marry him until he gets his debts tied to his ex paid off. Now, we are talking over 30,000 in debt still combined from a foreclosed house credit line and a student loan in both of their names. They just started agreeing to make a payment plan for both, but it looks like it could take centuries to pay off since its not huge sums of money going out. I am afraid that if we were to get married...we would just argue about his ex and their debt...I also don't want them coming after me if she's not paying; since they want the money from somewhere. What can he do!? Am I asking too much or being a financial snob? This is a sore spot in our relationship since he constantly has to be in contact with his ex about all this debt. Grrr Let me know your thoughts...I want to hear them! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted February 19, 2010 Report Share Posted February 19, 2010 Legally I'm not sure how they could come after you for the money since it is not your debt. But I'm not a legal expert. Though it would affect you should they choose to garnish his wages etc. One of the biggest obstacles couples face is the subject of finances. I think you have a right to be concerned over this. I don't think that makes you a financial snob. Just someone showing some responsibility and concern over your own wellbeing financially. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wisc Posted February 19, 2010 Report Share Posted February 19, 2010 Smart girl!!! Do NOT marry this guy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WmLee Posted February 19, 2010 Report Share Posted February 19, 2010 You’re not wrong here. Debt is one of the biggest problems that can turn a marriage south. I have a sister who married a divorced man (her first marriage) and she had her wages garnished to pay off his debt, (same ex-wife thing, ex-wife wouldn’t pay and suddenly had no income).Marriage should never be a hurried decision. I have always preached the need of a four season courtship. Since this is a second marriage for him (I assume a first for you) take your time. He will find a way to get his financiers in order. If you’re worth it to him he will find a way to get it done. If he’s worth it to you, you will wait. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alana Posted February 19, 2010 Report Share Posted February 19, 2010 I think waiting until this is cleared is a wonderful idea. Usually combining households saves money, but in his case, if he's really serious about getting this paid off and done and you guys aren't married, he can really buckle down, work like crazy, live as simple as possible and get it paid off. Since it's 30k in both their names, might it be possible for him to legally have his responsibility 15k and hers 15k now that they are divorced? A hard worker without a family to support can get that taken care of within a year (a little more if making very low wages). I can totally see this having the potential to cause huge problems in a second marriage, so stick to your guns. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 19, 2010 Report Share Posted February 19, 2010 There is nothing in the rule-books that say you are a snob if you have some standard to live up to. Marriage is not about marrying somebody perfect. Marriage is about making a decision on what you can live with and what you can't. If this is one of those that you can't live with, then you will need to be strong enough to stand by that decision and not sacrifice that decision due to pressure. You will only regret it later on. But, if this is one of those that you would rather live with than risk losing him, then that's a valid decision as well. The trick is to DECIDE and then stick to that decision and be ready to accept consequences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jmac Posted February 19, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 19, 2010 Thanks everyone for your great advice. Has anyone claimed bankruptcy? He is wonder if this would be the "best" option so he could work on rebuilding his credit and not involved with his ex?! The student loan in a private non-government loan at around 16,000 and the equity loan is 25,000 eeks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmarklin Posted February 19, 2010 Report Share Posted February 19, 2010 Thanks everyone for your great advice. Has anyone claimed bankruptcy? He is wonder if this would be the "best" option so he could work on rebuilding his credit and not involved with his ex?! The student loan in a private non-government loan at around 16,000 and the equity loan is 25,000 eeksI wouldn't marry any one that deep into debt. You're not being a snob, just smart and prudent. And remember that once you are married any bankruptcy would affect BOTH of your finances on any thing you decide to buy together (such as a home). Unless you could afford a home on only your credit, you would be precluded from buying one for a long time if he has filed bankruptcy. In addition the law has changed regarding most student loans...it may not be possible to discharge it in bankruptcy.A wise man once said...never go into partnership with anyone who has more problems than you do. Because when adversity arises, they have nothing to lose, while you do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RachelleDrew Posted February 20, 2010 Report Share Posted February 20, 2010 Uh, as far as i'm aware you can't get rid of student loans in a bankruptcy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wingnut Posted February 20, 2010 Report Share Posted February 20, 2010 I am afraid that if we were to get married...we would just argue about his ex and their debt...Do you fight about it now?Thanks everyone for your great advice. Has anyone claimed bankruptcy? He is wonder if this would be the "best" option so he could work on rebuilding his credit and not involved with his ex?! The student loan in a private non-government loan at around 16,000 and the equity loan is 25,000 eeksBankruptcy doesn't absolve all debts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roseslipper Posted February 20, 2010 Report Share Posted February 20, 2010 bankruptcy stays on your fico score for ten yrs now. which will prevent you from buying anything major. and u still have to pay the lawyer their fees and in many cases today you still have to pay your debt. the laws have changed. its not like yrs ago u claimed bankruptcy and u didnt have to pay it back, in some cases its still true today, but in other case it is not true.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jmac Posted February 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 20, 2010 I understand that bankruptcy doesn't get rid of the student loans all the time, but maybe some very rare rare occasions it did in the past. We do argue about it every once and in awhile about it. It's mostly me crying, because I feel so overwhelmed about having to push back any engagement until it's paid. Which most days seems almost impossible it will get paid off. Luckily, he lives at home so he is trying his best on his end to take care of it all. It kills him as much as me, but he just shows it differently. Just wish this wasn't such a big mess! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMinja Posted February 20, 2010 Report Share Posted February 20, 2010 That is a LOT of debt. I wouldn't want to marry someone that deeply in debt either unless they had a good solid firm plan to get out of it quickly, and that doesn't mean you're shallow at all. That much debt is a sign that he has some problems with living within his means and it could cause even more major problems for him (and you if you marry him) down the road. The fact that he's currently single, living with his family (thats what you meant by "at home" right?), and has a job means he should be able to make large payments into getting it paid off. That's just responsible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheNewChristina Posted February 22, 2010 Report Share Posted February 22, 2010 Unfortunately, once you get married his debt will become your debt, too. I've had a friend who ended up paying her husband's child support when he lost his job. You are wise to wait until it's paid off. Also, bankruptcy will not absolve student loans. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just_A_Guy Posted February 22, 2010 Report Share Posted February 22, 2010 I practice a wee bit of bankruptcy law. Barring very extenuating circumstances, student loans will not be discharged through bankruptcy. The home loan is probably dischargeable, unless the divorce decree orders him to pay it in lieu of domestic support/alimony.Jmac, I'd recommend you talk to a financial planner and a lawyer in your state. Find out whether you're in a community or separate property state. Find out if married people in your state can incur debt separately in their own names without subjecting their spouse to liability. These things vary from state to state, so if you're thinking of moving to another state down the road learn now how that state addresses these issues. Ask your lawyer whether a prenuptial agreement might address some of these issues. Ask the financial planner if you can avoid problems by keeping your accounts completely separate and not commingling any assets.Finally: demand your boyfriend pull his credit report, and--if he's serious about marriage--insist on reviewing it yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jmac Posted February 22, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2010 Thanks guys! It was interesting that I posted this question this week to find out he talked to his exwife about the debt. Well, apparently, she has somehow stupidly convinced people she knows to liquidate their assets so she can pay off the debt faster. They had a good, positive conversation about how neither want these things tied together or there. I did have him pull up his credit report and it's not the greatest, but a financial planner said it could be easily polished if he makes huge pay offs on things. So, a BIG thanks to everyone! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rameumptom Posted February 22, 2010 Report Share Posted February 22, 2010 You need to wait until it is paid off. If they are going too slow, then suggest they get a second job to pay it off. or relook at their current budgets. Reading a budgeting book (like Dave Ramsey's) will help them to understand the sacrifices they need to do now to pay off these expenses. There's no reason why this can't be paid off within one or two years with the right amount of sacrifice and effort. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funkenheimer Posted February 22, 2010 Report Share Posted February 22, 2010 The problem with this debt is that even if you are not directly responsible for it, you would be indirectly responsible for it. Even if he makes the payments from money he earns, that is still money that could have gone to making your lives better. I wouldn't marry him until he is debt free - and not just him - any man for that matter. Financial responsibility is a big deal in marriage and can make all the difference in the world. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rameumptom Posted February 23, 2010 Report Share Posted February 23, 2010 One of the two major reasons for divorce is money problems. The other is infidelity. Avoid marrying a person who has issues with either one of these. Seek those with a mature understanding of managing money and relationships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamie123 Posted February 24, 2010 Report Share Posted February 24, 2010 Call me a hopeless romantic, but here's what I think: Don't waste your lives waiting for some mythical future time when "everything is sorted". Life is too short for that. If you really love each other you will work through these problems together.(But don't listen to me - I'm an idiot.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hordak Posted February 24, 2010 Report Share Posted February 24, 2010 Call me a hopeless romantic, but here's what I think: Don't waste your lives waiting for some mythical future time when "everything is sorted". Life is too short for that. If you really love each other you will work through these problems together.(But don't listen to me - I'm an idiot.)Good stuff$10 bucks says if the question pertained to being financial ready to have kids over 75% of the replies would mimic your own." You will never be ready" etc.And a kid cost $200,000 or more to raise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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