What's a spouse to do?

[truetothefaith]

I am so glad I found this site. I am in a situation that I can't talk about with anyone... My husband has had an issue with viewing innappropriate things online his whole life. I knew this before we got married but he told me it wasn't an issue anymore. Which it wasn't... but a few months into our marriage I caught him. I cried and wasn't sure what to do. He was very apologetic and ashamed. I decided it was a just a slip up and let it go. But then it happened again almost a year later. I finally decided he needed to speak to the bishop and he is meeting the stake president for the second time tonight... We have an amazing marriage. Everything is perfect...except for this. I have since forgiven him, which was a long and hard process but we are completely happy now. I know he very well could be excommunicated tonight. I know what ever happens we are going to work through it together. He wants so desperately to make things right. Also though I know atleast 6 other couples who have divorced for the same thing that happened too me. I guess I want everyone's oppinion on what you feel is right... All these women I know divorce their husbands and no one says it's wrong...so does that mean that choosing to stay with my husband is wrong? He has never physically cheated on me and I know if I leave him it will destroy him... He is actively working on his issue and our marriage life has actually gotten stronger through this. I know there is a lot of church material on what to do if you have committed the sin but I haven't found anything to help out the spouces... If he wasn't sorry and kept messing up, I would leave. But the difference is that he is soo sorry. He is working on changing and I know he can do it. I guess I am just scared that people won't understand if they find out... and I would like to know what you would do if your spouse made a big mistake but was now trying to change and succeeding?

[Bini]

First, no one has any business sticking their nose into your affairs. So don't let them :] What needs to be worked on and repented of is between you and your husband, and involves only those such as your Bishop and Stake President, and of course the Lord. You don't have to live an open-book for people to pick apart and judge. It simply doesn't concern them.

And to answer your question about whether staying with your husband is "wrong" cannot possibly be answered by any of us here. Every situation is different. Every one is different. If both of you genuinely are striving to strengthen and improve your marriage, there is nothing "wrong" with standing by each other and working through it.

[JudoMinja]

I think what will help you determine whether you want to keep building your marriage is the counsel offered by the prophets for temple marriages (don't know if you're sealed). Civil divorces can be obtained for even the tiniest of things, many getting divorced for something they could have easily worked out together had they both been willing to do so. A temple divorce doesn't work this way. It is very difficult to get a temple divorce, because there are very rare extreme cases in which they are permitted and it must be approved by the prophet himself.

These rare cases are for situations involving abuse and adultery, but not every abusive or adulterous relationship need be divorced. It is important that the individuals do everything in their power to keep the marriage intact. As long as both are doing their best, striving to draw closer to the lord, and striving to build each other up together, any marriage can be recovered and will grow stronger.

Both must be doing their best and striving to learn how to do better. One person can cause a marriage to fall apart. If even one of you is holding back, acting selfishly, being controlling, and just not giving it their best effort to maintain a healthy relationship, it doesn't matter how hard the other person is trying.

Just from what you've posted, I can tell you are an amazing person. You do not express any doubts in your decision to see this through and help your husband, only doubts in how others will see your decision. If anyone belittles you for standing by your husband and making your marriage stronger, who cares what they think? You said yourself, that your husband is sorry, remorseful, and repentant. My only caution would be to observe his behavior and attitude to be sure he is truly repentant and not just falling victim to the cycle of temporary sorrow-relief-and return to the sin.

Pornography is addictive. Just like drugs. For some, the addiction is easy to break, and they can go cold turkey. Such individuals are few and far between, however. Usually it is a difficult break. There are many relapses on the path to recovery, but if he truly wants to break the addiction, he will work with you and the bishop and your marriage will grow stronger from this experience.

[Guest mirancs8]

There is nothing "wrong" with staying with your husband. Of course in all marriages we want to work together to resolve the issues, to forgive, and to move forward together. For some this is not possible but obviously your situation may be different. You are the one who knows best. No one here is living your life... you are. You have to make the best decision for yourself.

I know in my own situation there was MUCH MORE then just the porn that broke our marriage. That was just one element among many.

Good luck!

[truetothefaith]

Thank you everyone! Like seriously there is nothing wrong in my marriage BUT this. My husband met with the stake president and apparently the stake pres is amazed that I am standing by my husband. Which makes me a little sad because my husband has come a LONG way and he is an amazing man and father. I wouldn't even call it an addiction anymore... He has slip ups but they are few and far between and he tells me immediately. I have faith in him. I know he will be able to kick this! Isn't this what the atonement is for? My husband just gets the feeling that the Bishop and stake pres don't think he can do it because he has had this problem for literally half his life. But I know how scared he was to tell me. I have never seen him cry, except for when he confessed too me. And he gets teary when I tell him how proud I am of him. If he didn't want to change, he would've left me a long time ago. But he says he isn't going to give me up and he is amazed that I am still with him. I was always taught growing up that people can change and I just couldn't quit on him when he has come this far. We are deffinitely past the worst of it. Now it's just picking up the pieces. We say prayers, we read scriptures, pay tithing, fast, pay fast offerings...etc. We are working really hard! And I just want this all to be done so we can move past all of it... Thank you everyone for your support!

[alps]

Your story sounds like I could wright it for my life. I read comments intently and they have given me some hope. I am heartbroken though, and you don't sound heartbroken. How have you gotten over that? I know you were at one point. It has been 14 yrs of this for me and my husband tries so hard too. It is just that every few years there is one incident and it shakes my faith so much. I feel like I can't breath. Where do I even start?

[noche10]

their is a program the church offers i dont know if its in ur area , my husband will be atteding it soon i hope - it is a 12 step addiction recovery program by the church . look in to it ..

and dont let anyone decided wheather u should stay or go -- that is completly up to u and ur housband .. it wont be ez - but it can be done ''' love can heal everything

stay strong and good luck

[truetothefaith]

Yes I was very VERY heart broken and I flat out told my husband that I didn't trust him... But I know a woman who's husband was addicted to pornography and he has since repented and has served on the high council and is currently in a stake presidency. Her husband gave me hope that people CAN change. That redemption IS possible and that I had to cling to that for hope. On the flip side, his wife, though she has said that she has forgiven him, in reality still hasn't. She is still with him BUT she has become a hermit. She puts him down any chance she can and will not let it go. I see how miserable she is in her unforgiving state and seriously it has been 10+ years since he was welcomed back full fellowship and she still hasn't forgiven him. I knew that if I was going to choose to stay with my husband, I didn't want to be miserable all the time. When my husband comes to me with his slip ups, I choose to not get angry. I choose to provide comfort and support because I will NOT be like my friend. I do not want to be miserable for the rest of my life. I want to trust my husband. I want him to feel like he can trust me not too lash out. One of my favorite quotes of all time is:

To forgive is to set free a prisoner...and realize that prisoner was you.

If your husband has made progress, if he is working on it, if you can honestly see he is trying, REJOICE! Be grateful that he hasn't given in completely. And when he admits to slip ups, listen and try to understand and don't choose to be heartbroken because I learned that it is a choice.

When I was heartbroken the first time, I felt that I wasn't attractive enough. That I wasn't enough. That I was failing and that it was all my fault. I told my husband this and he said that it wasn't the case at all. He said that Satan was working on him AND he was working on me. If there is one thing that Satan loves more than keeping a couple from entering the temple, it's destroying a couple that has been there. Now I don't know if you have been sealed but Satan isn't going to just work on your husband in hope that your marriage fails. He is working on you too by making it easy to feel heartbroken and insecure. I decided that if I was going to expect my husband to overcome this, then I needed to overcome my own issues of insecurity and heartbreak. That I needed to forgive. Especially since if I don't forgive, the greater sin lies with me. It took me a LONG time to get to this point but I've noticed that it's easier for my husband to resist temptation because he knows I have overcome mine. I found myself, instead of telling him he needs to pray and read my scriptures, that if I did it when he was watching and set that visual example, that he felt motivated to do those things too. I also will frequently ask his council on spiritual things and that makes him feel more secure in his testimony.

I also have a reading list that has totally helped me get to this point too and I highly HIGHLY suggest that every wife read them:

Behind Every Good Man by John Bytheway: Tells women how men process and how we can best support them.

The Love Dare: You can get this at Walmart for pretty cheap. It's a 40 day program to help increase the love in your relationship. Charity never faileth, right?? It's simple too like for a day, don't say ANYTHING negative. It will help your husband feel more love from you and his desire to change will GROW!

The Miracle of Forgiveness by Spencer W. Kimball: Oh my goodness this is prolly the most important out of these 3. It outlines the Atonement perfectly and it totally gave me hope.

I really hope this helps. Forgiveness is a choice. A conscious choice. Though a hard one to make in our situations but I can tell you, through experience, that you CAN do it. I did it. And it has made all the difference. I hope this helps you and anyone else who is in the same situation.

[truetothefaith]

Thank you again everyone. I feel all I really needed was to know that I can go somewhere to talk about this without people knowing me directly because I really can't go to anyone who I know because you know how things spread. This has been great therapy for me and I feel much better about what lies ahead. I know the atonement is for me and my husband. I know he has the desire to change that Christ will forgive him if we repent! Which makes whatever consequence he has is just what we have to do to get him on the right track!

Oh and alps I thought of something else! We are attending the addiction recovery classes held by the church. I highly suggest going with your husband. I think all of us have an addiction we can recover from so pick something you can do too! Like diet pepsi for me is what I am working on! Or you can even pick forgiveness too for being something you need to work on as well. If you don't have a program near you, you can download the manual off of lds.org and do it together at home. You know this program has gotta work when the church is the one's who sanctioned it. There is hope. I know where you are and how you feel. Anyone dealing with this same issue, who have husbands struggling with pornography but who WANT to be better and change, fill free to send me a message. I am still going through this too and I still have my moments where I feel down about the whole thing. It would be great to know I have friends I can go too who understand.

[crazypotato]

My advice to you is to always keep yourself humble before the Lord of your own imperfections. If your spouse is heavy into porn and won't stop, that is one thing, but if he is willing to go to the bishop and seems to want to change, then I think that is enough from him to have hope in the future.

It is very easy to feel sorry for yourself in this situation, and to see yourself as the good spouse and him as the sick/bad one. Try to look for the good in your husband and don't talk too much about addiction. Every time you are very upset with him, try to fast for a day or two to have greater understanding and sympathy for him. Do you have a vice that is not as bad, that you don't want to give up, like Pepsi or chocolate or tv? Try giving those things up just to humble yourself as to how hard it is to stop a pleasurable behavior. I think that will help you from being too self-righteous and judgemental.

You don't want to enable your husband to justify himself by telling him that he has an addiction. The language in his head will influence his actions for good or for bad. I don't like the word addiction - it excuses too much. And you don't want to spend all your time thinking about this or worrying about it. Put it all in the Lord's hands and encourage your husband to do this too. Fasting and praying are often stated as great ways to overcome habits of the flesh, so instead of having your husband trying to just not look at porn, he needs to be focusing more on the Savior and the atonement, and keeping himself busy doing good, serving the Lord. And you too. Don't get obsessed about this issue or you will easily get down and discouraged and that's when Satan will have a heyday trying to destroy your marriage.

Hugs

[Guest mojo_jimmmy]

truetothefaith,

I am in a different situation. My wife spent far too much time World of Warcraft and Facebook over the last 18 months and had 3 different physical affairs on me. I do not know how many online or emotional affairs. I was not perfect either, which I'll elaborate on after the list.

I think you are on the right path. I really like your reading list, perhaps add:

- His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley

- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman

- And they Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment by Laura Brotherson

Now, I should state that I have not been perfect. I have fought pornography for most of my marriage. I fell into it early in my marriage and wallowed in it for 2 years. Then I kicked it until my marriage got really rough 5 years later. I kicked it again until 2 years ago when I lost my testimony and felt completely lost and depressed. My porn habit never escalated beyond videos and pictures to building innappropriate relationships, but is very shameful and I own it.

From my own experience, I never really wanted to do it, but went to it when I felt unloved and emotionally drained. For years, I did not feel loved by my wife and now realize it was truly that I did not love myself. I was overtly depressed and the porn was symptom. For me, it was like a drug and my heart would even race - this helped divert my attention from my overt depression. From that perspective, I do think it is addiction. I will fight it for my entire life.

What is different now is that for the first time in my life, I finally feel I have truly repented of it. I had to kick it on my own without the help of my wife. I do have a therapist and am real about the fact I will be in therapy for several years. I also keep a journal to keep myself honest and as I've grown more spiritual, I find that I now no longer have the desire. This is the first time in my life since I first had the problem 14 years ago I feel this way.

I went to the temple for the first time in a decade and felt as thought I was truly clean enough to be there in December of '09. I desire nothing more than to take my wife to the temple once she has finished the repentance process.

I know that porn fills an emotional need that is as tangible as physical touch. Your husband will need to learn how to fill that need through different means and is lucky you are so willing to help him and love him. The best way to gauge his progress is by his spirituality. It really is true that man cannot serve God and Mammon.

good thoughts your way for you and your husband...

[fitastashia]

truetothefaith, thank you for you posts. You have no idea what they have meant to me today.....

My husband was also addicted to pornography, it has always been an issue in our marriage. I also never felt that I was wasn't good enough.

to top it all off, I found out 4 weeks ago today that he was having an online affair. Although there was never any physical contact, just a lot of explicit emails, I still feel that it was an affair.

We are working it out, He has gone to the Bishop(on his own). The Bishop told us to put this behind us and to move forward. But the hurt is still so real. In the back of my mind I'm always wondering if he is thinking of her.

I think what you said is key "We are definitely past the worst of it. Now it's just picking up the pieces. We say prayers, we read scriptures, pay tithing, fast, pay fast offerings...etc. We are working really hard! And I just want this all to be done so we can move past all of it..."

Thank you for the books that you suggested. I am defiantly going to get those. I am currently reading Rock Solid Relationships by Wendy Watson Nelson. It shows you how to strength relationships through the scriptures.

your qoute "To forgive is to set free a prisoner...and realize that prisoner was you." I have written it down and am going to look at to it often this week..

You have no idea how much you have helped me today.... and although my path is long..... I am taking it one day at a time.

Thank you again and may the Lord bless you.

[baver3]

Staying is not wrong. Supporting and loving is NEVER wrong.

I applaud your husband and you for sticking with it. People just cannot understand addicition when they havent walked that road and we just cant judge. I think it is wonderful that your spouse is willing to make things better despite having to be possibly excommunicated.

I agree with crazy potato about not obsessing about this issue. It wont do anything good for your spouse and it will make you CRAZY.