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Desileigh

Dating as a single mom?

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First off, I'm not sure if this should be under single adults or young since adults (I'm 28), but it would feel a little odd to me to be under young single adults with having 2 children. I joined the church a little over a year ago.

I guess I'm just looking for some feedback or suggestions. My husband and I separated about almost 10 years together, he left me for someone else. This was before I joined the church. We've been separated for about 2 years, but we're still legally married even though we haven't lived together or been together. In some ways I feel like it is wrong to even try to date while I'm still legally married, even though we are separated and he's moved on and with someone else. I've only been on a couple first dates, and I've always been honest with the person who I went on a date with...but...I don't know...guess I just feel confused.... :/

I just feel completely overwhelmed with the whole thought of dating...will the guy be accepting of my children? what if I like him and he doesn't get along with my kids, cause that would be a definate no for me? Would he accept the fact that I can't have any more children? Should I date a member or non-member?

UGH, just confused and looking for thoughts from other LDS people. Thank you

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Within the Church, so long as you are legally married, you are not allowed to date, simple as that. Get the divorce, there are no grey areas here. If you want to run around with those that are not LDS, then that is your perogative.

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Time to file those papers. It's been over for over 2 years, and now it's time for you to move forward. But first things first. File the papers, wait the few months it takes to get it finished, then date to your heart's content.

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I do agree with Ram, make things final and then worry about dating.

will the guy be accepting of my children?

For what it's worth the whole insta-dad concept is not something I have an issue with personally.

what if I like him and he doesn't get along with my kids, cause that would be a definate no for me?

That's a factor like many others to be considered when deciding whether to pursue a relationship. I don't think calling things off because he doesn't like or get along with your kids (not the same as the kids not liking the fact that Mom is dating though, a certain level of resentment is normal from what I understand) is unreasonable.

Would he accept the fact that I can't have any more children?

Once again, for what it's worth I would marry someone who was sterile.

Should I date a member or non-member?

Member.

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First off, I'm not sure if this should be under single adults or young since adults (I'm 28), but it would feel a little odd to me to be under young single adults with having 2 children. I joined the church a little over a year ago.

I guess I'm just looking for some feedback or suggestions. My husband and I separated about almost 10 years together, he left me for someone else. This was before I joined the church. We've been separated for about 2 years, but we're still legally married even though we haven't lived together or been together. In some ways I feel like it is wrong to even try to date while I'm still legally married, even though we are separated and he's moved on and with someone else. I've only been on a couple first dates, and I've always been honest with the person who I went on a date with...but...I don't know...guess I just feel confused.... :/

I just feel completely overwhelmed with the whole thought of dating...will the guy be accepting of my children? what if I like him and he doesn't get along with my kids, cause that would be a definate no for me? Would he accept the fact that I can't have any more children? Should I date a member or non-member?

UGH, just confused and looking for thoughts from other LDS people. Thank you

There have been cases where dating a non member has turned out very well, allthough as has been mentioned dating a member is a good thing. I am dating a non member myself. She loves the church and will be baptized soon enough.

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I'm also in the process of becoming a single mother. My divorce has been filed, but it's not final yet- so I still wear my ring and I don't date. Think with an eternal perspective- the Lord recognizes the laws of the land and according to the laws of the land you are still bound to your commitment to your husband, so anything you do with anyone else is considered adultery. Would any guy you date feel comfortable marrying you knowing this? Some might, but really they shouldn't.

Commitment to your husband gone, you need to be commited to commitment. This concept is taught to the youth of the church when instilling the law of chastity and abstinance. They have not yet made any physical commitment to anyone, but they have made a commitment to honor the covenant of marriage. When you look at it this way, it is much much easier to wait until you have finalized your divorce to do any dating.

Once you do start dating though, being a single mother certainly adds another angle that your typical single person doesn't have to deal with. It is much more important that you be very careful and choosy about who you date. At this stage, dating isn't for fun or socializing, it is for finding a husband, plain and simple. If you like the guy but know there is no way you would want to marry him, don't date him. If he is possible marriage material, work in the dating slowly. Don't introduce him to your kids right away, because it just wouldn't be right to put your kids through all your dates with you. At the same time, don't hide your kids from the guy. Be open and forthright about the fact that you are already a mother. Some guys will call the dating quits right there, but there are also many, as Dravin has stated, who don't care about the "insta-dad" concept.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this myself, because I know I want marriage in my foreseeable future, but I don't want to rush into any reckless decisions or commitments. I want to be fair to my son, fair to the guys I date, and fair to myself. So, right now, I'm not dating, but I'm doing a lot to prepare myself for when the time comes that I am ready to date.

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Thank you for the replies.

I don't want you to think that I am just looking to rush out and date, that is definatly not my intention. I've waited this long, I can wait till my divorce is actually final.

I don't plan on introducing anyone to my children until it is really serious. I don't hide that I have kids from anyone, but when I do actively start dating, I want to keep that part of my life separate.

I always thought I would be married forever the first time...so this whole being separated and trying to start over thing just sucks

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Guest mirancs8

I can relate to what you and Judo are saying. I too will be a single mother with 2 small boys some time soon. Having kids makes it a bit more complicated but I do notice that the men I speak to seem to really be accepting of the possibility of step children in their lives. I see having more children (step children) as a blessing. I love kids so it would be wonderful. What I find works best is to introduce the man as a "friend" rather than mommy's date... boyfriend... etc. If you say friend the kids look at that man in a different way. They don't see him as a threat and once they do get to know him they are already comfortable so by the time you start to actually date seriously it's a smoother transition. Plus you'll get to see him interact with your children.

You do have to give him a chance with the kids. Unfortunately some kids don't warm up quickly to someone. It can take time. My oldest son is very reserved and he does not warm up to people quickly. But by introducing him as a friend you will at least give this man a chance to build some type of a relationship with your children. It's important to do that.

My preference is dating a member but everyone is different. I was a believer for 8 years before being Baptized and my ex was an Anti-LDS person so you can imagine what I went through. Didn't have a good experience. Everyone is different and a non-member could come into your life and be an awesome mate.

Definitely get those papers done. I would think he'd want to do that as well so he could move on. I can't even imagine waiting that long. It's been over 2 months for me since I filed for divorce and it can't move quick enough :eek:

I wasn't initially looking forward to dating at all but I'm starting to open up to the idea lately;). For over 12 years my focus has been on one man and it's just weird to date various people and such. Just thinking about dating seemed so foreign to me. I don't know maybe it's me it just feels odd. I guess I'll get use to it.

My older son says the most out there things (he's almost 9) to me. This weekend we're sitting in the neighborhood park and while sitting on the bench with me starts having this deep discussion with me. He says, "so mom are you dating anyone?" WHAT!!! :eek: LOL! I told him no of course and said the divorce isn't even final yet... I can't! Gees I mean really he's only 9 how does this even come into his head. He does have a close friend who's parents are divorced so I'm wondering if they have these chats and exchange notes or something.

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Get those paper done girl! A lot of my firneds are in your situation but they have only been seperated for 1year lol

I've been divorced and single for 5yrs now. At first I wanted to start dating but as I learned to rely on the lord he showed me he had other plans for me first. The last 5yrs have been a real roller coaster, learning about myself, working on myself, building a stronger relationship with my children and heavenly fahter. In a way I believe he has taken this time out to PREPARE me for an eternal companion. I have no doubt as I stay close to him he will CAUSE me to meet with one of HIS sons as stated in my blessing.

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I dont understand why people stay separated for so long.

In my stake president interview I was told to NOT date until the divorce is final. To me there was no grey area.

Just wait to date or hurry up and get it over with.

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I don't see how there could be a gray area at all: if your divorce isn't final, you're not legally single. Married folks aren't supposed to be dating anyone other than their spouses last I heard :)

Our bishop suggested that we consider a legal separation as a means to give us a cooling-off period before finalizing the divorce. I was open to the idea but my STBX shot it down. I can see why moving forward with the divorce and getting it done is a good idea-- you're really kinda stuck until that happens.

baver3, if you don't mind my asking, did your stake president ask to meet with you or something? I can't imagine the hijinks that will ensue if our SP asks to see my STBX and me.

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baver3, I agree that people staying separated with no intent to move their divorce along are kinda silly. However, there can be many reasons a divorce takes a long time.

Mine, for example, is taking a long time because my lawyer was slacking on his job. I would just hire a new lawyer, but then I lose my retainer fee and have to pay a whole new one, and I just don't have the money for that. My divorce is easy because it is uncontested, my lawyer just has to get it straight and actually put what I need in the paperwork. Hopefully, mine will be coming to a close by the end of June.

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That's a factor like many others to be considered when deciding whether to pursue a relationship. I don't think calling things off because he doesn't like or get along with your kids (not the same as the kids not liking the fact that Mom is dating though, a certain level of resentment is normal from what I understand) is unreasonable.

Huntsville Single Mom

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First off, I'm not sure if this should be under single adults or young since adults (I'm 28), but it would feel a little odd to me to be under young single adults with having 2 children. I joined the church a little over a year ago.

I guess I'm just looking for some feedback or suggestions. My husband and I separated about almost 10 years together, he left me for someone else. This was before I joined the church. We've been separated for about 2 years, but we're still legally married even though we haven't lived together or been together. In some ways I feel like it is wrong to even try to date while I'm still legally married, even though we are separated and he's moved on and with someone else. I've only been on a couple first dates, and I've always been honest with the person who I went on a date with...but...I don't know...guess I just feel confused.... :/

I just feel completely overwhelmed with the whole thought of dating...will the guy be accepting of my children? what if I like him and he doesn't get along with my kids, cause that would be a definate no for me? Would he accept the fact that I can't have any more children? Should I date a member or non-member?

UGH, just confused and looking for thoughts from other LDS people. Thank you

DO NOT DATE - follow that inner feelings. As Ram stated, filed the papers and when that is complete, then go for it.

Have faith in yourself sister...everything will fall into place. God bless you on your desire though in doing the right.

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Things are moving along, though slowly. I had a temporary job and am currently jobless again, but I found an online college with my degree, and my classes with them start up next week. I'll be able to finish my degree by spring and hopefully that will open up more of a job market for me.

I am now, finally, divorced, after having to keep on my lawyer's case to get everything done right. Should have been easy because my husband wasn't responding to anything so it just defaulted, but instead of fighting with my husband over everything I had to fight with my own lawyer to get it right. Ugh. Sole custody. Injunction. Name changed. Hurrah!

The creeper-stalker guy is officially being one-hundred percent ignored when seen at institute and not seen anywhere else. That probably took even more fight than the divorce due to well-intentioned but seriously misguided parents trying to play matchmaker. No other dating prospects yet, as I'm not really ready for a date, but I've got a few guys in my eye for when I am ready.

My brothers and father are claiming most of the night-time computer use due to it being summer, which is about the only time I can get on since I'm wrangling the little one during the day. However, that will be changing once my classes start next week, as I will be mandating the night-time computer use as my homework time. I'll be planning on checking in here more often to refresh my mind, so everyone should be hearing from me more.

Sorry if this is thread hijacking. Just thought I'd post that update here, since miranc asked. :D

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Guest mirancs8

So sorry to hear you are jobless again. That's just horrible but once you get that degree I'm sure something will open up. So many are feeling the fear of losing their jobs it's very sad. I notice I think about it more now then I ever did in the past.

Congrats that you are finally and officially divorce. What a relief that must be for you. The journey there was hard but you made it. Also glad to hear that you got the stalker guy out of your hair. I think all of us have that experience at some point in our lives. It was probably worse considering the situation you were just coming out of with your ex.

Yes, do wait to date when you are ready. Don't let others push you into it either as they tend to think that will benefit when in fact it will just complicate your life more. You are just fresh out of divorce and you know yourself and when the time will be right. No reason to rush.

Glad to hear that everything is more settled now except the job situation but that will also work itself out. Be strong and start enjoying life. I notice lately I have been slowing down and really paying attention to the small things that I normally would pass by. It's a wonderful feeling to take in everything around you... things that you never did take in before.

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Thank you for all the responces.

Divorce is still not final, but papers are started and in progress at least. I haven't been on a date, the more I thought about it (even though I do get so lonely at times) it just felt wrong. It felt like I would be breaking my marriage vows even though my ex is with someone else. It just didn't feel right to me. I want to be a good example to my kids and waiting till it is completely final is important.

I still am not sure if I would want to get married again...I am so scared. I gave my heart to my husband and he just decided to throw it all away, so I'm afraid to be hurt again. sigh...guess it will all work out when it is the right time.

I was with the same man for 10 years, an even though I would still be young enough to go to the young single events once the divorce is final, I feel like I wouldn't really fit in as a mom and having been married before.

I wish dating wasn't so complicated, lol.

Thanks again

D.

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My opinion. Take it for what it's worth.

I didn't read the entire posts... in a hurry today. So sorry if this is not applicable.

It's complicated enough dealing with your emotional health while dating. It's worse for a child who just saw his home break apart.

I wouldn't date until my child is 18. Or at least old enough to understand and adjust to the dynamics of a may-not-be-around-later-and-may-even-be-an-enemy-later boyfriend. That age is typically in the late teen years (which is why teens shouldn't date too early either).

Now, having tons of friends is cool and would provide the children with good adult interaction as well.

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I've mentioned this before in other threads. Wait a year after divorce is final to start dating. The first year you will be too vulnerable and make the wrong choices.

As far as waiting until kids are 18. I have to disagree with this. Especially if your kids are young. Having to wait all that time and giving up any kind of happiness for you is not necessarily the right thing to do. Plus if you find a good man who is willing to do his part as a stepfather, why not?

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I have to say I agree with Pam. I'm in the midst of a divorce right now, and though it's as amicable as such things can be, it's still a devastating experience. I don't see myself as being ready to date for a while, though I will probably force myself to venture outside my shell and try meeting new people (of both genders!)

I also disagree about waiting until your kids are 18 to date. You'll know when the time is right to introduce someone you've been dating to your kids. As Pam said, if you find a good man who will care for your kids, that would be entirely to their benefit.

Also, Desileigh: I commend you on your decision not to date until your divorce is finalized. Dating post-divorce is complicated enough without starting while you're still married :)

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I agree that waiting for awhile after the divorce is final, to let my emotions become a little more "normal" or at least to start to feel less broken.

As for waiting till the kids are 18...my daughter just turned 3 so that would mean waiting 15 more years. I really would like to not be alone for that long.

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Pam, while I feel it is good to advise waiting to date until it is right, I've always balked a little when the "one year" rule is thrown out there. There are people that won't need a full year to be in a good place to date, and there are others that will definitely need well more than a year - perhaps many years. It all depends on the circumstances and the individual's personality.

Rather than a time frame, I suggest evaluating readiness based on other factors. They are not as easy to measure, but provide a more reliable indicator of readiness. Many websites out there focus on those measures other than time, so I won't try to retype them here. The single most important one in my mind is when you finally feel ok and comfortable living alone, you can know you are in a good spot to make a proper decision - not one made out of loneliness or 'neediness'.

Sadly, those not mature/strong enough to avoid the rebound are those least likely to heed the advice of 1 year, or when ready.

Desileigh, there was a discussion on here just over a year ago about dating with kids, and the idea of waiting until the kids were adults was discussed more fully in that thread. See: Divorced, Dating and kids

My $0.02 on the idea is that it is like so much advice - applicable to some, but very poor advice to apply to all situations. There may be some parents that it is advisable for as they are not able to maintain adequate focus on their kids while dating or entering a new relationship. But for 'normal' people that continue to put their kids first no matter what goes on in life, it is good from my perspective - so long as the kids are prepared, and are ready for their parent to date. And, from my experience, it has been a blessing to my children in several ways.

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Oh, Desileigh, I have been right where you are...with two toddlers...

I prayed and prayed while I was waiting for my divorce to be final...would someone love me again? Would someone want to marry a Mormon, vow of chastity, tithepayer, with two kids? I had spinal cord damage, I had health issues. Would I be a single mom forever? I wanted to know. I poured out my little soul on my knees to the Lord...He told me that I couldn't have an answer at that time. So I waited 2 weeks and tried again, He said the same thing. So I waited 2 more weeks and tried again. Same answer.

So I waited.

The same day that my divorce was final...the SAME DAY. I was asked out to dinner. He was a non-member, but I thought it would be nice to go out for a change, and he seemed really nice, so I said yes. We prayed over the dinner, like I always do. A simple prayer over the meal. I was a little sad, I thought to myself, will I be able to love again, am I broken forever?

And my prayer was answered. A quiet, small voice right there in the middle of the restaurant. My date was looking at me and thinking, what I don't know.

I had to get up and go to the restroom, I was so surprised. I went in there and just cried for a few minutes.

We dated, he investigated, got baptized, we married. We've been sealed...kids and all. We both listen for that little voice.

I don't know if it will work that way for you....my advice is to just do the right thing one day at a time. Be close to the Lord so when you have that quiet humble prayer you are ready to receive the answer. When you meet that really great man, that priesthood holder, or potential preisthood holder...keep yourself worthy to enter the house of the Lord, so that you can be sealed in the temple.

I know this might seem insensitive to your current sadness, but I am actually kind of excited for you. You are doing your best to do the right thing. You have a beautiful eternity ahead of you!!!!!

Big BIG HUGE HUGS from me.

Edited by jayanna

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What does DATE mean?

I guess that's where I'm at a loss. DATE to me means a romantic relationship. I wouldn't subject my kids to that until they know what THAT would imply.

Who says you can't be happy without dating? I didn't DATE when I was single. I got married to my husband without the benefit of "dating" until the last few months before we got married - we were very good friends for 2 years. We didn't "date" until we knew each other inside and out and knew we would like to consider marriage. I highly recommend it. A lot of people put on this mask when they're trying to impress somebody on a date. A waste of time, in my opinion. You wanna get to know somebody? Be friends with them. Keep it simple. Add the complication of romance when you know he is marriage material.

You know why a lot of people get divorced? A lot of them THOUGHT their husbands/wives were one thing and end up marrying a completely different person.

But what do I know. I'm married 12 years with 2 young kids. Never been divorced. I really can't relate.

P.S. To those who think that dating has no impact on the kids as long as you put them first. Hmm... I just don't see it. It has impact on the parent, how much more on the kid. I see it all around - people have boyfriends/girlfriends then they split up, lots of emotional upheaval on both persons... and the kids is supposed to be just ok with that. I don't see it.

And to those who think - oh, my kid is only x years old... that will be a Looong wait. Better a looong wait than another emotional dump on the kids, yes? So, am I saying don't marry until the kids are 18? No, I'm saying do not date until the kids are old enough - 18 hopefully. Have tons of friends. If you meet a guy the same as my husband and be friends with him for a long time, you'll know you're going to be married happily ever before you go on your first date. Stable companion for your children. No emotional upheavals except for the adjustment phase of a new "dad" figure. This can happen next year.

Do you understand what I'm trying to say by no dating?

Edited by anatess

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