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Desileigh

Dating as a single mom?

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The idea of friends is a great one. One you have shared at least a couple times that I have seen. But that really is no differnt than my definition of dating.

And your perspective would likely drastically change, heaven forbid, were your H to pass away, or divorce you. Life's experiences have a way of doing that. ;) This is one area where so many can speculate, but only those that have gone through it can truly empathize and serve as a trail guide. It's a little different the second time around, when time is short, and there are kids to care for, and hanging out with 'friends' exposes the kids to at least as much, if not more trouble as dating and keeping the kids from meeting the dates.

Bluntly: Expecting a person to completely put their lives on hold for an extended time is neither compassionate, nor reasonable.

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I know this is easy to say, but not easy to do. But, be patient. I know after my separation/divorce process (4 years), I was almost desperate at times to prove that I could nurture a healthy marriage and be a great husband and provider. That desperation to prove, that need to be needed and to fill that hole of loneliness, just lead to more hurt. What I lacked at the time was the Gospel and a healthy dose of patience.

In my own experience I was in way too much of a hurry. I had an idealization of what I wanted in a wife and tried to make the women I dated into that idealization. In a way, trying to pound a square peg into a round hole. That attitude just led to more heartbreak and loneliness.

I myself am a new member. I cannot have anymore children and accepted the fact when it came to be baptized that it would be a long while before I meet a woman with the same beliefs as I who will marry me. I know exactly where your coming from in that department.

Is being alone tough? Yes

Is being a single parent difficult? INCREDIBLY (I have a son)

But for me, my focus now is my growth in the Gospel and my relationship with Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. And then when Heavenly Father feels that I'm ready for a spouse and my future spouse is ready for me, then we will be introduced and that still small voice will guide us towards an eternal marriage.

All I can say is focus on your family, your studies and you. Keep the faith that when the time is right, it will be obvious to you.

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The idea of friends is a great one. One you have shared at least a couple times that I have seen. But that really is no differnt than my definition of dating.

And your perspective would likely drastically change, heaven forbid, were your H to pass away, or divorce you. Life's experiences have a way of doing that. ;) This is one area where so many can speculate, but only those that have gone through it can truly empathize and serve as a trail guide. It's a little different the second time around, when time is short, and there are kids to care for, and hanging out with 'friends' exposes the kids to at least as much, if not more trouble as dating and keeping the kids from meeting the dates.

Bluntly: Expecting a person to completely put their lives on hold for an extended time is neither compassionate, nor reasonable.

I'm 100% sure that if I end up alone for some reason or another, that's going to be it for me. I have 2 brothers and a dad plus 2 brother-in-laws and a dad-in-law and a good smattering of male cousins who will provide the necessary "male influence" for my children.

My mother was only a year old when my grandfather died in the war. My grandmother never remarried. She has 3 children, my mother being the youngest. This was during the 40's when women did not work (Philippines). My grandmother's younger brother took all of them under his wing while my grandmother became the best seamstress in the island and making a success of herself against all the odds against women. My grandmother once told me - there's nobody better than your grandfather and I can't settle for anything less.

That's how I feel about my husband.

I didn't say to put your life in hold. I say dating is not a wise activity with the children.

Okay, see this post...

I know this is easy to say, but not easy to do. But, be patient. I know after my separation/divorce process (4 years), I was almost desperate at times to prove that I could nurture a healthy marriage and be a great husband and provider. That desperation to prove, that need to be needed and to fill that hole of loneliness, just lead to more hurt. What I lacked at the time was the Gospel and a healthy dose of patience.

In my own experience I was in way too much of a hurry. I had an idealization of what I wanted in a wife and tried to make the women I dated into that idealization. In a way, trying to pound a square peg into a round hole. That attitude just led to more heartbreak and loneliness.

Heartbreak. That's a big possibility with dating. That kind of emotional upheaval is just not healthy for the children.

The thing is - once you have children, you really are not #1 anymore. It might sound cruel to say to put your children's welfare on top even if it means sacrficing your own - but, that's plain fact.

Every mother will tell you that they will put their lives on the line for their children. Why is this any different?

There are a lot better ways to get to know people than dating. Friendships are great. You must be Filipino if... you have more cousins than you can count and you can only trace a family tree connection on a few of them. The thing is, you can develop really good friendships without the romance.

Have you ever heard people say, "I'm married to my best friend?" Those are awesome marriages.

Now... check the rest of jasmontas post out...

Is being alone tough? Yes

Is being a single parent difficult? INCREDIBLY (I have a son)

But for me, my focus now is my growth in the Gospel and my relationship with Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. And then when Heavenly Father feels that I'm ready for a spouse and my future spouse is ready for me, then we will be introduced and that still small voice will guide us towards an eternal marriage.

All I can say is focus on your family, your studies and you. Keep the faith that when the time is right, it will be obvious to you.

Add children to the focus and that's pretty much what I'm trying to say. If this great and wonderful guy comes along in the meantime... you will know he's the one without needing to go on a romantic date with the guy.

Edited by anatess

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Pam, while I feel it is good to advise waiting to date until it is right, I've always balked a little when the "one year" rule is thrown out there. There are people that won't need a full year to be in a good place to date, and there are others that will definitely need well more than a year - perhaps many years. It all depends on the circumstances and the individual's personality.

Of course it's a personal choice. It was recommended to me by a very close friend that was a Stake President at the time. He told me to give myself a year, dedicate the year to my children in helping them adjust. He said he recommended to many people going through a divorce not just me.

A year is not long to wait. I followed his guidance and suggestion and I'm so glad I did.

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Guest mirancs8

I have to agree that everyone has there own time to heal from a divorce. Not everyone deals with the extreme emotional pain that one goes through in a divorce the same way. We are all different and we each handle issues differently. I cannot predict a friend going through a divorce how he/she will be in a better place mentally from the experience. I know people who it took them years to even consider dating while others a short time after it was final they were dating and content doing so.

There's another thing to think about when it comes to dating. If you are mentally in the right place after your divorce dating is a great way to get out and meet different people. No commitment needs to be tied to those dates. If something does go further that's great, but initially it's a good idea to go out with a number of people experiencing different personalities and such. It's eye opening to say the least. Many people have had previous short/long term relationships before they were married so they have experience. But some of you have not really ever dated or had relationships before you had gotten married. You don't want to lock and load the first person you date... it very well might end up in disappointment. It's a good idea to meet a wide range of dates that way you know you have experienced it. Down the road you won't look in regret and say why didn't I take that opportunity to date when I had that chance.

Not to mention if you have children you want to heed extra caution. Like previously said you want to be sure they are prepared for the idea that you will be dating. You don't want to just spring it on them. My kids, especially the older one, are very aware and actually my oldest keeps pressing me in a cute way "so mom when do you get to start dating" lol. A bit shocking for me but I'm not complaining;) They are both very accepting of the idea of their father and I dating other people once the divorce is final in the coming month.

If you are smitten with someone in your life that's great but still I think it's important to date as long as you feel you need to. If it's meant to be with that person it will be.

Edited by mirancs8

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IIf you are mentally in the right place after your divorce dating is a great way to get out and meet different people. No commitment needs to be tied to those dates. If something does go further that's great, but initially it's a good idea to go out with a number of people experiencing different personalities and such. It's eye opening to say the least.

That is soooo true, mirancs8! My teenage son started referring to this as the "31 flavors" theory of dating after EFY this year, but it's a familiar principle: I've taught my sons that dating is for evaluating what you're looking for in a marriage partner, not just for evaluating a given person. That's a big part of why the church discourages early steady dating; it's too easy to get attached (or infatuated, or in-lust-ed) to someone who ends up being a poor long-term match. In my book, the more variety, the better. Once you've had a chance to try some different flavors, so to speak, you'll be much better prepared to decide what criteria are most important to you if you decide to seek another long-term relationship.

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That is soooo true, mirancs8! My teenage son started referring to this as the "31 flavors" theory of dating after EFY this year, but it's a familiar principle: I've taught my sons that dating is for evaluating what you're looking for in a marriage partner, not just for evaluating a given person. That's a big part of why the church discourages early steady dating; it's too easy to get attached (or infatuated, or in-lust-ed) to someone who ends up being a poor long-term match. In my book, the more variety, the better. Once you've had a chance to try some different flavors, so to speak, you'll be much better prepared to decide what criteria are most important to you if you decide to seek another long-term relationship.

Well I never heard it describe as such, "31 flavors", but doesn't shock me that a child said that lol:D I think my older son is more excited about the experience than I am... go figure:rolleyes:

The more you experience the more you will feel comfort in the choice you make in the end. Life is difficult as is marriage and if you don't have a solid friendship all that lust and lovey dovey stuff will only get you so far in the relationship. Reality will quickly settle in and poof reality will smack you in the face. Those of us married before know this all to well. We have all had valuable experiences from our previous marriages to learn from and hopefully avoid a repeat performance.

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Thank you for all the different opinions and thoughts. I does help to hear other peoples perspectives.

I completely understand being friends first.

You know why a lot of people get divorced? A lot of them THOUGHT their husbands/wives were one thing and end up marrying a completely different person.

My ex and I knew eachother for 2 years before we started dating, we were together for 4 years before we got married. The man I thought he was, was still the man that I married. You never know how life can change in the blink of an eye and your whole world ends. For my ex and I, I feel like our world changed many times. We were both changed from the hardships of war. He was an Infantry soldier in Iraq for a year, we were both changed when his platoon SGT., the only male figure in his life that he looked up to was killed. When he came back, trying to fit back together, with all the remnats of battle stress was difficult, but I still loved him, he was still my best friend. Sadly he made some choices and decisions and decided he didn't want to be married anymore and found someone new.

Even though all of this, we still have a deep friendship that was founded many years ago. While we are no longer together, there is still a friendship, and he will always be there for his children.

So please, don't assume that just because someone is getting divorced it is because they weren't friends with their partner.

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I knwe my husband for 8 months before marrying him. We met some 23 times during that time. :eek: I gotta say when we met it was like a mule had kicked me. I was totally ouit and the counting stil continues :D

Well sure there has been deep downs but somehow we manage to get above the water again. I think it is the commitment that pulls us trough. I stil love that jerk after 22 years! :) No one, nothing, could have ever hurt me as deep as he did. It stil hurts, but he has allowed me to be hurt and taken the beating when ever it should surfice. :rolleyes:

In his heart I know he is a good guy and did not mean things to go the way they did. Main thing is he is a devoted LDS as much as he is able to be and the way he stil is that proves me that his heart is good and he strives for purity. Gotta love that guy :cool:

World is all about how you take it!

PS I was a single mother to 2 when I met him, and he was living in an other country. He called me everyday (no skype then... can you imagine NO skype!:eek:) from a coineating phone.. click, click, click... that was the last one....:wub:

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Guest mirancs8

I PS I was a single mother to 2 when I met him, and he was living in an other country. He called me everyday (no skype then... can you imagine NO skype!:eek:) from a coineating phone.. click, click, click... that was the last one....:wub:

lol... no skype are you kidding me!! I forget what life was like without my skype.

:scared.scared:

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Guest mirancs8

Thank you for all the different opinions and thoughts. I does help to hear other peoples perspectives.

I completely understand being friends first.

You know why a lot of people get divorced? A lot of them THOUGHT their husbands/wives were one thing and end up marrying a completely different person.

My ex and I knew eachother for 2 years before we started dating, we were together for 4 years before we got married. The man I thought he was, was still the man that I married. You never know how life can change in the blink of an eye and your whole world ends. For my ex and I, I feel like our world changed many times. We were both changed from the hardships of war. He was an Infantry soldier in Iraq for a year, we were both changed when his platoon SGT., the only male figure in his life that he looked up to was killed. When he came back, trying to fit back together, with all the remnats of battle stress was difficult, but I still loved him, he was still my best friend. Sadly he made some choices and decisions and decided he didn't want to be married anymore and found someone new.

Even though all of this, we still have a deep friendship that was founded many years ago. While we are no longer together, there is still a friendship, and he will always be there for his children.

So please, don't assume that just because someone is getting divorced it is because they weren't friends with their partner.

Very true. There are many people who were friends before and during their marriages and life just got to them in a bad way. It has to be very hard for those married to someone who served in the military. I can imagine war takes a toll on a individual. It's a good thing that you are able to continue to have a strong friendship with him.

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