His confession of pornography addiction-need advice

[wren]

I am so glad I found this site. I really need to "talk" this out but didn't want to post on any forum. I caught my husband masturbating about three months ago. I confronted him about it and it turns out he has had the problem since puberty. I felt very strongly that I needed to give him an ultimatum. I told him that unless he went to the bishop and started in a regular program for recovery I would divorce him. Btw, we have an 8 mo. old together and have been sealed in the temple. He went to the bishop but was very angry about it, nevertheless, I know the ultimatum was the right thing to do. He was very hush hush about his progress and I didn't feel comfortable asking him because I knew he would get angry. He stopped going to the bishop about two months ago and I had a feeling it was still a problem. He told me recently that he still struggles when he is alone. Last night he went to the bishop at the bishop's request and when he came home he confessed that he has been looking at porn our entire marriage. Seems he has always looked at porn. He said he only looks at it every once in a while and the last time was Sunday when he stayed home from church. I really don't know what to believe. He told me that he now realizes how it affects him and me and our baby. He said he feels guilty when he does it and that he recognizes that he has to humble himself and ask Heavenly Father for help, that he can't do it alone.

I really had no response. I just listened and asked a few questions. I'm still in shock. I don't know why I didn't think he was addicted to porn too. He made some excuse for not putting a filter on the computer (bishop's advice) which makes me think he's not totally serious about changing. I'm not angry. I know it's not personal. I have tried my best to be a good wife and mother. Not to be cocky but I know that the women he looks at don't have anything better than I do. I know this is his long-standing problem and that there was nothing I could have done about it. I just need support I guess. I'm pretty baffled that God wants so much from me. My life has not been easy. I don't trust my husband. I will just trust in the Spirit to let me know if the time comes to go. In the meantime I will try my hardest to love him. I don't feel I have anything to forgive, I just feel empty like I don't have to try so hard anymore in our marriage, that I should just focus on our son. He's really broken something inside me.

[annamaureen]

I have no advice, just sympathy. Good luck.

[utahgua]

I am member since I was 18, I have almost 16 years of marriage and we are in the verge to divorce because of the same thing. For you to post here it tells me you still have love for your husband, and I am sorry for what is happening... I had the same problem for about 5 years... I used to see stuff and then M, I used to do it every 2 or 3 months... sometimes when I feel sad or rejected from my wife... anyway... I came to the conclusion last year that I had to stop it, I knew I had hurt my wife so much, she never caught me, but deep in her soul she could feel something was wrong with me... we men are afraid to tell the truth, so I quitted last february, but knowing the damage I have done, I prayed if I was not worthy of my wife anymore, to let this end (our marriage, her love), so I stopped and time went by, I thought I had been forgiven, but I never confessed. My wife started to have and emotional affair in the internet last october, she lost her love for me and develop a love for another guy... she confessed, I treated her so bad for it, because she wanted to divorce... apparently she even thought about finishing the marriage to go after this other guy, since then I have been trying to keep her with me and convince her that we had to stay together... but then last week I remembered my own long time sins... I would think "but i already repented, I have been forgiven, I quitted"... but sister, I came to the conclusion that If I really wanted to get my wife back I had to confess... so I went to my bishop and confessed all... including one more slip last december in the middle of or problems... Bishop asked me to confess to my wife... I was terrified because not only she doesn't love me the same any more, but also she was the one asking for the divorce, but then this, having to confess this... so sister, I did confess my to my wife last monday and she reacted so mature... she said she knew... now she is more sure to get the divorce going and I believe she only needs some courage to take the step... I am left with no arguments, she deserves better and I have to accept her decision... Only the Lord can give some of her mercy for me to her. You are very special daughters of H F... He loves you dearly and any obscure thing about your husbands will be brought to light sooner or later. It is hard for us men to master our drive... it is possible yes, but it requires determination and recognize how bad what we are doing it is. I am so sorry for my wife, for what I did to her, for my kids... it is a horrible thing... I regret it with all my heart but I am also willing to accept the consequences, and now more than ever I have to be strong. I am starting my own gethsemani now and my dear wife can decide whatever she wants. Somehow I feel like I took a ton out of my back... I am just glad that I finally did confess to her, just because the Lord asked me to do so. I am not worthy of her sacred body, I am not worthy of her love... I can only hope for the love of my HF and the mercy of my Lord.

I am sorry you are hurt too... like my wife... just follow the Lord's advice... I am surprised how many of us brethren have fallen into this... I wonder how many are still hiding it (I am not judging) but the consequences are really devastating... so I foresee more broken harts and families... Bless the beautiful daughters of heavenly father...

[WindRiver]

I am pretty sure that if every LDS woman divorced her husband over this issue that the divorce rate in the church would quadruple overnight. It is a church wide problem, serious, but in my view not serious enough to break up a marriage over unless your spouse refuses to work on the problem and the Lord clearly tells you to leave him. It can take years to overcome a porn addiction, be patient and supportive but not demanding / ultimatum dictating.

If he really wants to kick this, he should not have access to the internet at any time without you sitting by his side for at least a month. Put a good filter on the browsers, set up an admin for the computer that sets you as the only one that can install software or change settings. There are ways around filters. If he agrees, put a password on the system so any web site he wants to go to has to be approved by you.

If he refuses to work on it and the spirit clearly tells that you need leave him, so be it, but even with adultery the church does not tell us that a couple should automatically get a divorce.

Edited March 31, 2010 by WindRiver

[MaMeeshkaMow]

Read scriptures together. I swear it brings unity and peace of mind. Exercise with him. If he's feeling frustrations, exercise can make a huge difference. Computer wallpaper=Jesus Christ. Pictures around computer=Jesus Christ. Internet filters. If he keeps doing it, take a break from internet. Cancel comcast or whatever it is for 6 months.

Deep down he really loves you. He hates and loves pornography. He likes the moment, hates it afterwards. If it is an addiction, it is more serious and needs you like never before. If you cut him off, his addiction might become even worse (like feeling sorry for himself). Help him by getting him to recovery programs (if it is an addiction). Pray!!

[Tarnished]

No at leasts about it, he needs to have no access to the internet when you are not around. And when you are around you should keep an eye on what he is looking at. My husband and I have been fighting against the pornography problem our entire marriage. I suspected it when I married him, but discovered the truth not long after we were married. At first I threatened divorce. But over time I realized that I really loved him, and didn't want to leave him. I came to the conclusion that if he really wanted to change then he was going to need help from someone, and that someone was me.

Currently both of our computers are password locked. I am the one who keeps the password. If he wants to use the internet then he needs to come to me to log in to his computer for him. And if I were you, I would ask to attend one of the meetings he has with the Bishop. Don't go to rat on him, or turn him in for not doing things right, instead go to help support him.

For me it finally came down to a point where I sat my husband down and said, "I love you. And I want you to end up with me in the Celestial Kingdom, to do so you will need to overcome this addiction. Tell me what I can do to help you over come it. Do we need to lock the computers? Do we need to turn off our internet? Do we need to get rid of our cable? What do we need to do to take away the triggers?" And if he is willing to work through this with you then he will work with you on this.

When it comes to marriage and sexual sins it really comes down to trust. By commiting the sexual sin we break the trust of our spouse, to move forward, to move past the sin and to rebuild the marriage we have to work at rebuilding that trust. When it comes to repenting from porn it is the same thing, it is a sexual sin, and so the sinner has to work at rebuilding the trust of their spouse. They have to find ways to earn the trust back that they broke.

Saying that though, if the spouse wants to continue on with the sinner then they also need to work. They need to work at supporting their spouse in the repentance process, they need to work at fixing the marriage on their side as well. And above all they need to be willing to forgive when the repentance process is over. Remember though, trust and forgiveness are two different things. Though the spouse may have forgiven the sinner they may not trust the sinner with certain things.

I feel for you and hope things work out well with you and your husband.

[wren]

Thanks for all your support. I went to the recovery meeting last night with him. It went really well for him and so-so for me. The majority of the women talked about problems other than the addiction even though that's what the support group was for. It was a little irritating. I wished there was more time for sharing and giving support. I shared and was totally wrecked and then on to the next person with no comments, no advice, no nothing. Was pretty disappointed. Going to put a filter on the computer today. He said his own personal prayer for the first time since I've known him last night. Hope this really is the change he says it is.

[Guest mirancs8]

I feel for you that you are going through this right now. My ex also viewed porn throughout our marriage. Though that was one of many problems. He also M* and yes I caught him though he didn't know I did. I confronted him but it did no good. He has to be willing to change. You can do so much but he needs to work on it and do it with your love and support.

Don't let yourself get into a rut. Stick with it, support him, be the best example for him and you will at least say you did your all.

You are in my prayers!

[crazypotato]

My advice is don't police your husband. Filters are made to be broken. This is a widespread problem in the world and in the church. It's true that the divorce rate would be huge in the church if everyone divorced their spouse for this.

If he went to the bishop, that is huge. Just because he stopped and is shuffling his feet, it is still great that he went. The last thing you want to do right now is to police him and expect perfection and monitor his repentance process. That will only give him permission in his mind to resent you and it will drive a bigger wedge between the two of you. You also don't have to feel all loving and supportive, either.

I have some different ideas that I may have to try one day too. It is called aversion therapy. I don't know if it works, but Dr. Laura described it. You tell your husband that you don't want him to have to hide the porn viewing from you anymore. Ask him to sit down at the computer and you come in the room, not facing the computer, but facing him with the baby in your lap, and tell him that he can look at porn and M for 3 hours straight! Then you stay in the room with him and keep the baby in there. Supposedly, this is a method that psychiatrists use to make someone sickened by their behavior because it can't really be pleasurable, exciting, or fun with your wife and kid in there staring at you. I don't know if it works and I would pray about it before trying.

People here may be sickened by my suggestion, too. It sicks me out, too. I wouldn't want to do it either. But I think men are full of rationalization and it is harder for them to rationalize and have fun with porn when they really can't any more.

If you took a survey of your ward for how many husbands had this problem, I think you would be surprised at the high number.

[JudoMinja]

The only advice I can offer is that you need to work on getting him to willingly work on this of his own free will. If you push him to do anything he isn't willing to do, it is only going to be harder for him. A filter on the computer will help, yes, while he is working on overcoming the addiction- but only if he is willing to put it on the computer. If not, he will find a way around it.

Porn addiction is strong. I know from experience. Only when he is willing to take whatever measures necessary to overcome it will he be able to do so. He needs to be proactive- to recognize what triggers him looking and set up ways to avoid the triggers.

When I was working to overcome my addiction, I was the one who did all the "policing" of myself. My family knew what I was seeing the bishop about, but they didn't talk to me about it, pester me, or do anything to deter me getting on the internet. I am so greatful that they didn't intervene, because it helped me realize that I was able to conquer the addiction all on my own.

Be supporting. Be loving. Be understanding and forgiving. And help him create his own "policing" system. Then let him follow through with it on his own. Only participate in this part of it in the areas he asks you to. I am sure he will have slip ups, but when he does and he confesses to you, don't let it bring you down!

One thing that helped me was to keep score. When you give in to temptation, it can feel so devastating. You get depressed and feel worthless and start thinking that overcoming the addiction is impossible. BUT- when you keep a tally of all the times you felt tempted and DIDN'T give in, the score will slowly add up in your favor, and eventually you'll find yourself porn free.

[wren]

I totally get not being the one policing him. I know that wouldn't work for either of us. It was the Bishop that suggested the filter and the only reason he said he wouldn't want it is if he couldn't do searches for homework for drug wars or watch the news, etc. He said he thought it was a good idea otherwise so I found a free filter and just set it to filter porn and lingerie. Going to the recovery group was my idea but I presented it without any pressure (i think) and just said that I thought it might help and if he didn't want to go I would. He really like it and said that he finally felt like he could master this being among others that were going through the same struggle. I really have a lot of respect for him and see how courageous he is. My struggle will be to not flip out when he slips up. I told him I wanted him to be open with me and that I didn't think it would work if he hid it from me. He told me as long as I react well and don't judge he will be open with me.

As far as the aversion thing goes. He would be hurt that I suggested it and wouldn't even consider it. But I can see how it would work in other circumstances or with other people.

I went to the Bishop last night to talk about my side of things since I haven't been able to tell anyone. I figured out that the anger I've had since our marriage went south (three years ago) has been toward Heavenly Father and not really my husband. I don't feel His love for me. I think my marriage not turning out how I wanted or expected was the last straw for me and I guess I just don't understand how he can love me and continue to give me all these struggles. I know His love on a logical level but not in the heart. I feel so guilty and ungrateful about feeling this way. But it is what it is. I honestly want to be close to Him again. Advice? How do you feel His love?

[Tarnished]

Since I have been married my husband and I have gone through quite a few trials. However, through it all I have looked at things this way. Instead of focusing on the trials and trying to find someone to blame for them I instead try to work my way out of the trials and look for the blessings that Heavenly Father is giving me. Instead of looking at each trial and asking, “Why did Heavenly Father give me this trial?” instead look at each trial and say, “Look at the ways Heavenly Father is helping me make it through this.”

Trials are part of life, no one gets through life with smooth sailing all the way, and if they do, then chances are that they didn’t learn much on their trip. Trials help us to stretch and grow and make us stronger. When things get hard, pray for help and then thank Heavenly Father for the help he gives you. And when things are going good, look for ways to help others who may be going through their own trials, it is your way to say thank you for the help you received when you were going through trials.

I don’t necessarily believe that God gives us trials, instead I think he allows things to happen and then waits for us to ask for help. And even when we don’t ask, I think he still sends us blessings. He loves us dearly and wishes to bless us, we just have to open ourselves up to those blessings.

[Guest mirancs8]

Every marriage has trials... no such thing as a marriage without them. But it's those marriages where both partners work together through those trials that succeed and grow in a positive direction. Like it's said it takes 2.

[wren]

I really appreciate everyone's advice but I still don't feel like I have my question answered. I know He loves me by logic but I want to know how you FEEL that love. By the Spirit? Maybe this should be another post since it's such a huge, universal (i think) question.

[Tarnished]

By the Spirit, by the blessings I see in my every day life, by the way I feel when I say my prayers, by the miracles I see happen in my life and others.

I think my relationship with Heavenly Father is easy for me because I have a loving caring earthly father who I can relate to. On the other hand I have difficulty with my relationship with Jesus because my relationship with my earthly brother is difficult.

How is your relationship with your own father?

[crazypotato]

If we could see our lives from a more mature, bigger perspective (our Father's), we would see that the trials are smaller than we think, it's not the end of the world, things will get better, and this is life and we have to learn. I really believe that a lot of times, we don't feel his love because we think that he doesn't care enough about us to make our lives easier. If you realize that you are thinking this way, you can correct your thoughts and then the Spirit will come back to you. When I have negative thoughts, I cannot feel the Spirit, even when I am praying for comfort. But when I humbly acknowledge my blessings and try to be grateful for what I have, then the Spirit comes.

[Misshalfway]

I really appreciate everyone's advice but I still don't feel like I have my question answered. I know He loves me by logic but I want to know how you FEEL that love. By the Spirit? Maybe this should be another post since it's such a huge, universal (i think) question.

I think I have asked that same question since I was a little girl. And even now sometimes I ask it even though I have so much evidence of God's love.

Sometimes it isn't about "feeling" it the way we want or think it should happen. It's more about having faith in it and determining to believe its there no matter how we feel in the moment.

And for you right now during this time of sorting and struggle, there may be more important lessons for you to learn. If God rushed in with all of His daddy like comforts perhaps you wouldn't learn the lessons or develop the strengths inside your own self --the very strengths you are going to need to go the distance with your husband.

Learn to love yourself. Sometimes we have to give ourselves the things we need when our husbands aren't available or when we can't feel God the way we'd like. It's not always what we want and at first it doesn't feel as satisfying, but there is wisdom in the process.

Take Care with yourself. You can do this. And God is ALWAYS there.

[Misshalfway]

[

QUOTE=wren;490648] My struggle will be to not flip out when he slips up. I told him I wanted him to be open with me and that I didn't think it would work if he hid it from me. He told me as long as I react well and don't judge he will be open with me.

Your gut instincts are correct here. It won't work if he doesn't find a way to tell the truth about things. PA thrives and corrupts in the dark. The antidote is truth and light. But getting PA husbands to feel safe enough to report progress or failure is hard because they usually don't have the skills (such as: trust in self and the world, abilities to deal with failure or the reactions of their wives, and the tools to beat the domination of the shame) to do it effectively. So your husband is right to ask that you receive his "stuff" well. He needs a soft place to fall where he can tell the truth and the punishments aren't part of the equation. Only then can he do his overcoming work safely.

Now, that doesn't mean that what he shares won't hurt at first. It's hard to hear the truth when you are a wife and a lot of the subject matter is shocking. But you gotta learn how to react. Freaking out or beating him over the head with how much he has hurt you isn't what this disclosure process is about.

This doesn't mean that your feelings aren't important. And it doesn't mean that you have to hide all your heart ache. What it means is that you find different and better ways to deal with them and it means you have to learn how to take care of yourself. Slowly both of you learn how to be that soft place to fall for each other.

One thing that is difficult with PA's is to face, and then properly deal with, the hurt feelings of their spouses. The addiction teaches them to blame-shift or self punish (shame cycle) and simply avoid altogether. So, apply your patience as your husband mounts the courage to face the consequences of what he has done. This is NOT a reflection of how much he loves or cares or how much he wants to give it to you. You need to realize that for a time he can't. What you are experiencing is evidence of the damage the addiction has done on his emotional/nurturing abilities. And that is what recovery is -- to literally recover those abilities. Nothing is lost that can not be found.

In the mean time, you take care of nursing your own wounds and doing your own preparations to deal with the hard stuff. Learn that the relapsing is part of recovery and even an essential element. Falling down is part of growing. Allow the imperfection to be part of the process. Needing it all to stop right now is unrealistic and demanding it, even silently, only invites more trauma. Go with the process instead of fighting against it. Soon it won't hurt you so much or shock so much. Soon you will learn that you can choose whether it has the power to hurt you at all. Soon your empowerment will show you that you can endure many things in love.

I went to the Bishop last night to talk about my side of things since I haven't been able to tell anyone. I figured out that the anger I've had since our marriage went south (three years ago) has been toward Heavenly Father and not really my husband. I don't feel His love for me. I think my marriage not turning out how I wanted or expected was the last straw for me and I guess I just don't understand how he can love me and continue to give me all these struggles. I know His love on a logical level but not in the heart. I feel so guilty and ungrateful about feeling this way. But it is what it is. I honestly want to be close to Him again. Advice? How do you feel His love?

You have every right to feel anger. Even the anger towards God is understandable. Trust me.....God knows this. He isn't offended by that. Your work will be to process this anger and let it teach you important lessons. Reacting to the anger isn't healthy or helpful, but listening to and soothing that anger is. Tell God about it. He truly understands.

And no, you prolly don't feel much love from your husband now. PA is an intimacy disorder. That is part of why this problem is so devastating to people and relationships. It literally erodes ones ability to love in all senses of the word. BUT, that does NOT mean those abilities aren't in there somewhere. It's just a matter of changing the atrophy into muscle again.

You must be patient. We can't love others until we love ourselves. We can't trust others until we trust ourselves. Your H has to re-learn how. It's a lot like a spinal injury patient that has to learn to walk again and we get excited over the littlest movements of progress. Give your H the gift of detaching and letting go of needing him for a time. Instead, give yourself what you need. Be your own best friend.

One of the best books I ever read was by Melody Beattie called, "The Language of Letting Go." I am telling ya. It will get you through.

Blessings.

[thomasf]

Let me speak as one who has been there. My wife and I went through this and the recovery (slipping was part of it, as mentioned above). But I am now 8 months sober of this and anticipate that this ugly part of my life is over. My wife has been very understanding and forgiving and I have gratefully accepted hers and Gods forgiveness. I feel very healthy and our relationship is stronger than it has been in a long time.

This is tough, but it CAN be overcome. I recommend a program called CANDEO. It is amazing. But having a supportive wife and a correct view of the Saviors view of each of us was absolutely essential to my recovery...and CANDEO was the best program I have found.

[wren]

Thank you everyone. I have been processing all the advice you have given and feel a lot better. I will look into the book and CANDEO. May Heavenly Father bless you all. Thank you for your prayers.

[thomasf]

here is the link:

Candeo: Overcome porn addiction, sex addiction and masturbation addiction

[Connie]

The Church has launched a new anti-pornography website. You may want to take a look.

Combating Pornography

[noche10]

dont get discurage . i went to the support group my self .. the one i went to was really great maybe you guys are still ususng the old format..... but they dont advise to give eachother advise . well not during the class anyways i would suggets making friends with some one who has been their longer so you can talk to her one on one.. have trust in the lord

i am going thru the same this right now its not ez-- but i feel it can be done -

[wren]

That was the confusing part about the group. So you go there and say all the crappy things your going through and then that's it. That's not helpful for me. I mean getting it out is part of it but I need feedback. Seems like we should have someone knowledgeable within the group who could give us advice. We are using brand new material.

[wren]

here is the link:

Candeo: Overcome porn addiction, sex addiction and masturbation addiction

Is this better than the church's 12 step?