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MisterT

Middle Single Adult Wards

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Hello, all.

The only experience I've had with single adult wards was when I was courting my ex-wife about 15 years ago. I had just gotten out of the Army at that time and we would go to church together. My impression of the Young Single Adult ward was that it was little more than a meat-market for women to find returned missionary husbands.

Dating was heavily stressed, and routinely I would hear the young ladies taking bets on whom would be the first to score a date with the newest returned missionary.

I found the environment to be pretty disgusting; especially since I was completely ignored as I hadn't served a mission (I'd enlisted in the Army at 17 - there was no other way I could have afforded college, and as I had been emancipated and living on my own since I was 15, I needed a home). Not that it was a bad thing, I was dating a member already, but I was very insulted by the attitude of the women there that I wasn't good enough for them.

Heck, I was good enough to be respinsible for National Security; to safeguard the lives of my People and the lives of the People of our allies; I was good enough to be awarded several decorations for valor, but apparently not good enough to get a date in a young Single Adult ward.

I find myself quite a bit older now, and hopefully wiser (or at least knowing what NOT to do), and am negotiating a position with an international corporation with a branch in Salt Lake City. that means moving half-way across the country and starting anew there.

My current Bishop is very seriously recommending to me that when I get to Salt Lake that I attend a Middle Single Adult ward so that I can meet eligible women of my own age. I'm resisting this advice as first I'm not interested in dating right now, and because my heart is so broken from my divorce, I'm not sure that I'll ever want to date again. I surely don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I feel that it'll take me a very very long time to get mentally healthy to the point where I would be a good companion for someone else. Plus, I'm not capable of trusting anyone at the moment.

My Bishop, who grew up in Salt Lake, said that the Middle Single Adult wards are not the same as the Young Single Adult wards; that there are many people there in the same situation as I am in, and that it would be a good place for me to establish new friendships and future relationships.

I just want to be anonamous in a family ward.

Does anyone here have experience in the Middle Single Adult wards; and specifically with the Emigration Single Adult Ward?

Any advice would be appreciated.

-Ryan

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This ward is for 31 years old and up

https://secure.lds.org/units/home/0,9781,600-1-7-169641,00.html

A primary residence within Salt Lake County or Davis County.

A legal-marital status of single, divorced, or widow/widower.

A primary-custody order for minor children is not in effect.

A personal commitment to accept a ward calling.

A personal commitment to accept an assignment as a Home Teacher or Visiting Teacher, and to accept regular visits from your assigned Home Teachers and/or Visiting Teachers.

A personal commitment to regular attendance of Sunday Worship Services (Priesthood or Relief Society, Sunday School, Sacrament Meeting), as well as other ward activities as circumstances permit.

Home (SLC Single Adults)

Single Adult Wards (SLC Single Adults)

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You're welcome.

As a SAR, what is your impression of the SA wards? Is it still a meat-market atmosphere, or was that unique to the time and place I was at (Souther California mid-90's).

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Feel lucky. Around these parts we don't have a middle singles. The singles group here is fun but I doubt I'll date any of the ladies in it (mostly old widows, don't get me wrong I enjoy going to sigles events those ladies are a hoot).

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You're welcome.

As a SAR, what is your impression of the SA wards? Is it still a meat-market atmosphere, or was that unique to the time and place I was at (Souther California mid-90's).

I've never been to one. There is a young single adult ward that meets in the same building I attend. I have not heard any negative comments about it myself...yet.

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My experience with an YSA Ward was when I served on the bishopric. I didn’t see it as a “meat-market” though I have heard that term used a number of times. Our YSA Ward seemed to simply want to ‘hang out” and commitments were hard to find.

I did go to a Single Adult Ward on assignment and went to the regional dance. I found more men trying to get my wife to dance, more woman trying to talk to me and/or get me to dance; we were getting tired of explaining we were married and only there representing our stake.

In our Stake SA Ward there are a lot of friendships and people that like to do things with someone with similar standards. It’s a very large social group! Dating isn’t the only reason.

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I don't have any good experience with a single adult ward, let alone a middle single adult ward, but I am just about done with a divorce of my own. I would say your Bishop is chomping at the bit to get you dating again. You need time to heal, time to live independantly.

Most of the suggestions I've heard have been to wait at least a year to even begin dating again, which I think is good advice. It doesn't do any good to try and find a romantic partner when you're still trying to find yourself. Being divorced is a whole new ball-park. You've been through a lot, and potentially learned a lot from your experience.

Take the time you need to heal and feel comfortable with yourself again. Only you will know when you are ready to start dating again, and when you are you'll have a real good idea what you're looking for.

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The Tri-stake area around Indianapolis just started up their Mid-Singles group. Beefche is a leading member of it. I think it is a great idea, where members that share two things: faith in Christ, and being single, can get together for worship and friendship. If a lasting relationship comes from it, even better.

I know a lot of singles feel out of place in their own wards. Everyone asks them why they aren't married, etc. And everytime they look at an intact family, it saddens them that they do not have the same blessing in their life. This gives them the opportunity to meet in a safe environment. It doesn't have to be a meat market, because you can just attend and get to know people at Church during meetings, without worrying about whether you are ready to date or not.

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you can just attend and get to know people at Church during meetings, without worrying about whether you are ready to date or not.

This same concept should apply's for any SA function.

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...but I am just about done with a divorce of my own.

I'm very sorry to hear that. Even if a divorce is right or just, it still hurts unbelievably. I pray that you are comforted during your time of sorrow and lonliness. I hope you have family or close friends with you; being alone as I am, 1,500 miles from my closest relative, in almost unbearable.

...

I would say your Bishop is chomping at the bit to get you dating again. You need time to heal, time to live independantly.

I've been alone for 2 years now; although my divorce was only final in February (the day before my birthday of all days). It was so painful for me at the beginning that I held a revolver under my chin, and if not for a wooden button on my shirt preventing the hammer from striking the primer, I would have died.

My Bishop is not only my Judge in Israel, but he's a very close friend. I was over at his home until late last night, and he was giving me council about a great number of things; all of which I believe were revealed to him by the Spirit. Among those things were that I should worship in the Mid Adult Ward when I move to SLC, as I am one of only two single adults in our ward here, and we two are excluded from most activities, not by any kind of design, but because they are currently planned as date-nights for the Elders and things of that nature.

My Bishop feels that my ability to make friends and long term relationships would be hampered by a Family ward, and that I would be better served by a group who's sole purpose was the uplifting of the single member, to whatever end; friendship, dating, etc.

...

Most of the suggestions I've heard have been to wait at least a year to even begin dating again, which I think is good advice. It doesn't do any good to try and find a romantic partner when you're still trying to find yourself. Being divorced is a whole new ball-park. You've been through a lot, and potentially learned a lot from your experience.

I learned that I hate to be alone, but am capable of doing whatever I need to in order to survive.

I also learned that I'm much happier when I serve my fellow man in any capacity; rather than sitting all by myself and feeling sorry.

Thank you very much for you comforting words. :)

-Ryan

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Guest mirancs8

I had just gotten out of the Army at that time and we would go to church together. Dating was heavily stressed, and routinely I would hear the young ladies taking bets on whom would be the first to score a date with the newest returned missionary.

First and most importantly I would like to thank you for your service to our country. You made a very mature decision. I am sorry to hear about your struggles through your teens. It could not have been easy.

I find myself quite a bit older now, and hopefully wiser (or at least knowing what NOT to do), and am negotiating a position with an international corporation with a branch in Salt Lake City. that means moving half-way across the country and starting anew there.

I wish you luck with you move I hope the negotiations lean in your favor.

I'm resisting this advice as first I'm not interested in dating right now, and because my heart is so broken from my divorce, I'm not sure that I'll ever want to date again. I surely don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I feel that it'll take me a very very long time to get mentally healthy to the point where I would be a good companion for someone else. Plus, I'm not capable of trusting anyone at the moment.

I have major trust issues as well. My trust issues started in my younger years but my marriage sent the trust issues I had way over the edge. It is very hard to look at someone and believe that the words that flow from their mouth is sincere, genuine and honest. You wonder if there is an agenda behind their words or are they going to break your heart. At times the thought of having to feel that pain again makes us take a step back from someone for the fear is to great of being hurt. You so badly want to have someone special in your life to share the good times and the bad times... but your hurt puts up a wall blocking that someone special.

I think some of us here can really relate to that feeling. You gave years of your life to someone for whom you loved and for some had children with. You reflect back thinking why? This wasn't suppose to happen.

For me I have to be friends first. I have to see I can trust that person. Words can only do so much. Time is the only friend in this type of situation. Go and meet people at this singles ward giving yourself the opportunity to socialize and you may even begin to feel a friendship build with someone. It will be really good for you to just get out and meet different woman. If a friendship builds hold on to it, take your time, and see if in time that friendship grows into something more personal.

You will start to open up and begin to trust again. You have to work on mending yourself and you never know if you end up having a women who becomes your friend. You may both be able to help each other in ways that will bring you closer then you were before.;)

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I went to singles wards before, they were tons of fun. Meet many wonderful people, made good friends. A few of my best friends are from single wards, and its many yrs later. I never heard of a middle singles ward, but its a great idea THere needs to be something in bewteen ysa, and single adults. for some one in their 30s or 40s doesnt want to normally hang out with 60s and 70s plus. Try it you might like it. If u dont like it at least u gave it a good try. YOu can always go back to attending a family ward.

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I just don't want to be pressured to do any kind of dating for the forseeable future; which is a recurring theme recently.

I was absolutely devastated by my divorce and I don't know that I'll ever truly recover from it.

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A bishop's counsel is just that...advice. It is your choice to take it into consideration and make your own decision. If you feel that you aren't ready, then don't go. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

It is understandable that you aren't ready for dating yet. If you decide to attend a family ward, you will still have the ability to attend single adult activities if you wish for friendship or dating for later.

Don't stress about your bishop's advice...even if it is from the Spirit. Ultimately, it is YOUR decision because it is YOUR life. Counsel with the Lord and lean on Him for ultimate advice.

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I've been alone for 2 years now; although my divorce was only final in February (the day before my birthday of all days). It was so painful for me at the beginning that I held a revolver under my chin, and if not for a wooden button on my shirt preventing the hammer from striking the primer, I would have died.

My Bishop is not only my Judge in Israel, but he's a very close friend. I was over at his home until late last night, and he was giving me council about a great number of things; all of which I believe were revealed to him by the Spirit. Among those things were that I should worship in the Mid Adult Ward when I move to SLC, as I am one of only two single adults in our ward here, and we two are excluded from most activities, not by any kind of design, but because they are currently planned as date-nights for the Elders and things of that nature.

My Bishop feels that my ability to make friends and long term relationships would be hampered by a Family ward, and that I would be better served by a group who's sole purpose was the uplifting of the single member, to whatever end; friendship, dating, etc.

Ah. From what you stated in your op, it sounded as if the time had been shorter, since you were referencing the time your divorce became final. Here, it sounds as though your bishop is giving some good advice, though I would still be cautious about dating before you feel ready. Only you will know when the time is right to start dating again. Trust your feelings.

That being said, a single's ward doesn't necessarily mean dating. As others have said- focus on the gospel, on serving in your calling (should you be given one), and socializing in ways you feel comfortable.

Since you so dislike being alone, it will be good for you to be in a setting where it will be easier to make friends.

I am sorry you went through such a deep depression. I, too, was near suicide, but that was before I left. My husband was abusive and I'd lost all self-esteem. The only reason I did not down a bottle of pain killers was because I knew my son needed me. Since I've been away, I've been recooperating and feeling much better about myself. Unlike you, I like being alone. I've always been a loner, and it is difficult for me to share my time with others, so being alone hasn't been hard.

One other thing I can suggest, especially since you said you enjoy being of service to others, is to keep yourself busy with something meaningful. I start sinking back into depression when I feel like I'm not doing anything important, not making an impact, and that my life has no meaning or direction. If you are always busy helping others, you won't feel this way.

I wish you the best, and I think your Bishop is probably right. The social/cultural side of our church can definitely put a lot of pressure on people to date and marry, but it becomes easier to let such pressure roll off your back when you are comfortable with yourself and the direction your life is going.

Again I will stress, only YOU will know when the time is right to start dating again. So take it easy. Enjoy yourself. Keep busy. And trust your feelings.

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You dont have to date to go to the ward.

Just go and meet people your age. You never know if you can find common ground with them or maybe be able to share experiences.

If you dont want to date or arent ready then DONT. But that doesnt mean you cant go to the ward.

I was in a YSA ward when I went to the University of Utah. I never dated ANYONE in my ward and NEVER felt pressured to. But I did make a lot of friends, both male and female.

I can understand the feeling of wanted to be anonymous but it may be easier to go 'under the radar' if you are just like everyone else in a single ward. I say, dont sweat it, try it out. Be willing to give it a go and if you feel its not working for you then dont go anymore.

For me, going to church is about my own personal spiritual experience. I dont see it as a social experience at all. Some people do, but I do not. Im not sure where your head is at with this but I just dont see attending a singles ward as signing up to a dating site.

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A primary-custody order for minor children is not in effect.

Didn't know about this one. I hadn't even thought about if I really wanted to attend a mid-singles ward once my divorce is finalized (it'd be every other weekend that I'd be able to anyway) but good to know I shouldn't even bother.

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That was the instructions for that particular ward. The others in the area didn't have those instructions.

Turns out my worry was for naught; I just got a phone call from the corporation I was negotiating with and was told they were filling the position internally; so I guess I'm stuck here in Milwaukee where there isn't any kind of singles activites for the over 30 crowd.

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Guest mirancs8

What a shame! Something better will come along. I hate those rejection calls when you really think you got the job and then boom it all blows up in your face... back to square one. Milwaukee huh? My best friend lives in Wauwatosa. I've visited here a few times and it's somewhat like PA where I'm originally from.

Good luck with the job hunt!

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I hate searching for work; but I had to close my company back in September due to lack of sales. When I finally do get some work, it'll be the first time I've been on someone else's payroll since the early 00's; not something I'm looking forward to, but I lack the capital to invest in a new business.

Wauwatosa is an interesting town; not my favorite, but then again, nothing in Wisconsin is my favorite.

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Guest mirancs8

Yeah it's not fun working for someone but hey it pays the bills right? I ran the office part of my ex's business over the 12 years of our marriage while working a full time job as well. When I did have my 2 boys I took a year off with each of them and just loved the freedom of working for myself. It was really tough going back to the corporate environment. I hate the entire process of interviewing, answering the same dang questions over and over again, and walking out with the high hopes only to find out that out of the 8000 candidates you didn't get the job:rolleyes: It's a REALLY tough market out there and you are lucky even to get a call sometimes. Apparently it's getting a bit better.

Well ya know I only go to Wisconsin because I have to visit her. It's completely against my will LOL! I made the mistake of flying into Chicago in mid-February... ah ya that wasn't the brightest idea. The wind and the cold was just painful! My friend drove me to her house in Wisconsin and I didn't care much for the place at all. Now living in AZ I can't even get myself to go there and visit her. Love the West so much more and it's a bonus being in a large LDS community too ;)

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The happiest years of my life were when I had a townhouse in Tucson and another In Chandler; the best of both worlds in AZ. It was there that I was most active in the church, had the most friends, and then there was the great weather. Plus there's Los Betos and Filibertos on almost every corner...

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Guest mirancs8

Ahhh yes LOVE those places!!! Now if you want some awesome mexican food with an amazing outdoor atmosphere you must go to Carlsbad in Scottsdale. Really great food! Tucson is nice I like to visit but I don't think I would like living down there. Chandler is right next to me... I'm in Gilbert. Of all the towns I do love Gilbert the best. Chandler would be my second favorite town to live in. The one thing that brings many here is the low cost of living. You can live off of very little but you won't make as much of course.

Yes from my own experience the LDS are very active in this community. Now I'm talking about Gilbert because that's where I live. There's always people just stopping over my house, calling, guys get together in the park for a ball game a few times a week after work, camping trips, and all kinds of activities. I have fathers who come and just hang out with my boys or play with them at the park! I mean where else would people do such kind things for a single mother. I am very blessed! We actually had a Hill Billy Hoedown at our Ward and it was a BLAST! I love my Ward family and the Bishop is such an amazingly wonderful man. I feel so blessed to be living in such a strong community with so many faithful Mormons. I've never lived in Utah but I would imagine it's the same. Maybe? There are many here in Gilbert that are from Utah so I think the culture came with them.

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