Cheating in the church


justaname
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I read posts in the Advice forum on a fairly regular basis and Im surprised to see how many of them are related to adultery. Im even more surprised to see how many responders have either been cheated on or have cheated themselves. Before I move on, let me just say how much I applaud anyone that has been able to work through an affair regardless of which side they were on. Its simply amazing and a true testament to the power of the Atonement.

Im curious as to why there are so many people in here who have been in someway involved in an affair. Is it because many of the people in this forum have sought this place out as a refuge or place to seek counsel? Or is adultery more common than I think, particularly in the church? Maybe I am overly sheltered, but I dont really know many temple married members who have had affairs. I have sat in sacrament meeting many times wondering how many members in there are currently having affairs, or how many have. I know, stupid thing to wonder during that kind of meeting. What do you all think. . . how rampant is this problem? Im also curious as to whether you all think affairs committed by members of the church are motivated by different reasons than by those outside of the church.

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I've noticed that too about these boards. It seems like a LOT of first-time posts are from people dealing with adultry. But then just as many of them never post here again or respond to any of the advice, so it kind of makes me wonder...

I DO think adultry is a problem within the church, but I don't think it's as big a problem as the posts on this board would make it seem.

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I’m rarely surprised at what people, in and out of the church, do in their lives. I was surprised when I read what Joseph Smith wrote about adultery and the problems the saints had BACK THEN with it!! Imagine, men who worked in the field or in a factory or in construction and only showering once a week; women who worked all day and only showered once a week and did they shave their legs??? Doesn’t sound appealing to me!

I think that people can come here and open and discuss what they are dealing with helps a lot. There are a lot of topics here that people can ask questions about without being judged.

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So would you say this forum is an accurate sampling for a typical LDS ward? Or because of the anonymity, are there more who have struggled with it here?

Im also curious to know what the biggest reason is for people cheating? I often hear of people talking about their spouses being emotionally unavailable, falling out of love, being caught up with a sly liar, etc. Rarely do I ever hear of anyone just coming out and saying that their motives were purely carnal. Is this because people dont want to admit that, or is that rarely the reason that it happens?

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I think it all stems down to lust.

And I think when members get too comfortable it opens the door for Satan to open it JUST enough to start a little 'harmless' damage. He is sneaky that way. People give in to their lustful desires and then it gets out of hand.

It doesnt matter what the spouses are doing (whether they are unavilable, etc.). The cheater is still responsible for their decisions and their actions.

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So would you say this forum is an accurate sampling for a typical LDS ward? Or because of the anonymity, are there more who have struggled with it here?

Im also curious to know what the biggest reason is for people cheating? I often hear of people talking about their spouses being emotionally unavailable, falling out of love, being caught up with a sly liar, etc. Rarely do I ever hear of anyone just coming out and saying that their motives were purely carnal. Is this because people dont want to admit that, or is that rarely the reason that it happens?

You know? Who's to say. This is a public message board. Do we know how many are telling the truth?

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I think that the numbers within the church are probably pretty close to those who are not in the church; people are people, no matter where you go.

The only reason it seems to be greater is the the "Mormon Grapevine," or gossips in your ward.

research shows;; the numbers are slightly lower among l.d.s. quite a lot lower amongst active l.d.s; and only about 5 percent of average for those whom attend the temple regularly.:)

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My wife's affair was the reason I came to this forum to begin with. I needed some means to vent and seek advice, but I did not want there to be any chance whatsoever that anyone we know finds out who we are and what she had done. Bad enough that there are certain people (bishops and disciplinary council, etc.) who have to find out about these things, but I was determined to make sure that neither my family nor her family ever found out. Nor anyone else who did not need to know about it.

I did not want people to hold it against her for the rest of our life together -- and I had a fair idea that's exactly what would happen, even if they didn't mean to. My family has a very high opinion of my wife, and so does her own family. That would have been forever shattered if they'd found out of course, yet keeping it bottled up inside was going to drive me insane.

I think that we live in a culture where adultery happens far more often than it should. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ, we are by no means immune to it and sometimes we let worldly voices shape our actions.

But I think that many people like me find in online forums like this an outlet for these sorts of things. Somewhere to go for advice where your real life identity is secreted.

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Im even more surprised to see how many responders have either been cheated on or have cheated themselves.

I imagine threads asking for advice/venting on adultery are going to self select to a degree for responses from those who have either committed adultery or had a spouse commit such. Or do you mean you are surprised of the number of board participators in general and no so much that the adultery threads are chock full of responses from such folks?

Edited by Dravin
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research shows;; the numbers are slightly lower among l.d.s. quite a lot lower amongst active l.d.s; and only about 5 percent of average for those whom attend the temple regularly.:)

I would not be surprised at those figures.

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So would you say this forum is an accurate sampling for a typical LDS ward? Or because of the anonymity, are there more who have struggled with it here?

I would venture to say that it is not a very good sampling. I don't have any numbers to back that up, but the impression that I get after having lived in so many places is that adultery is not an issue for the majority of the members of the Church of Jesus Christ.

But who's to say that isn't just a product of people keeping up appearances? It doesn't seem that way though. I think that, as people already said, the very nature of an LDS web forum allows those few who are affected by it to have a place to turn with a high degree of anonymity. With a membership approaching 14 million people, these sorts of forums can end up being seeing a very large influx of those affected by adultery.

Some stick around. Most do not.

I'm also curious to know what the biggest reason is for people cheating? I often hear of people talking about their spouses being emotionally unavailable, falling out of love, being caught up with a sly liar, etc. Rarely do I ever hear of anyone just coming out and saying that their motives were purely carnal. Is this because people don't want to admit that, or is that rarely the reason that it happens?

The reasons for people cheating are as varied and different as the spectrum of colors in a rainbow. Everybody's story is going to be different of course.
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Im also curious to know what the biggest reason is for people cheating? I often hear of people talking about their spouses being emotionally unavailable, falling out of love, being caught up with a sly liar, etc. Rarely do I ever hear of anyone just coming out and saying that their motives were purely carnal. Is this because people dont want to admit that, or is that rarely the reason that it happens?

I would say that more likely than not the actual act of the affair does come down to straight lust. However, that being said, what leads up to it is often not based on lust. Often it is based on an unmet need. The problem comes when the person makes the choice to go to someone else to have those needs met.

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That is so funny that this topic was introduced. I was reading the Advice board and thought the exact same thing.

I can see two sides..... our religion promotes faith and working together, eternal families, etc. That has to play a factor in lower statistics among the LDS community for affairs.

HOWEVER.... we are among the very very few who encourage people to not have sex until they are married. This ... how do you call it...... lack of expression, experience, etc. may allow lust to creep in fairly often after marraige. It will always pit the natural man (who tends to wander after being bottled up so long) vs. the spiritual ma ( eternal families, faith, faithfulness to spouse, etc.)

Thats how I see it. You may not agree though.

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I think Christ dealt with this in a most interesting way – let those without sin cast the first stone. It is not so much about where someone has been as it is about where they are going.

The marriage covenant does touch many more than one person or even their spouse – when we fear what others may know more than we fear what G-d knows we are still headed in the wrong direction. Not that we should announce our sins to the world but if we fear what man may find out we will be tempted to live a lie in fear of truth.

The Traveler

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Guest mormonmusic

I would say that more likely than not the actual act of the affair does come down to straight lust. However, that being said, what leads up to it is often not based on lust. Often it is based on an unmet need. The problem comes when the person makes the choice to go to someone else to have those needs met.

I agree with the unmet need(s) theory. My wife and I were raised in strong religious households, but had the Jacob experience after marriage. Thought we'd married one kind of person and found we'd married another.

Many of my own needs went unmet for years upon years. A deep hunger develops for a meaningful relationship for those things that are missing. For women it can be conversation, affection, financial support, and lots of other needs. For me it was intellectual conversation, recreational companionship, domestic support.

Then, one day, you meet someone who you think meets those gaping needs in your life, and it can be extremely tempting and powerful. I'm fortunate never to have succumbed, but I felt the temptation loud and fierce.

I can see why people come here -- you can get answers to your questions when you're hurting, and you can talk more openly abuot your issues with LDS perspective-taking people, without the gossip risks you experience in your own ward.

It doesn't bother me that they don't stay here afterwards -- if they get some emotional support and feel better from the experience, then it's worthwhile.

I personally found this board when I was aching from leaving a calling that consumed my life for a long time, and which ended badly. The kind and thoughtful comments from people on this board really acted as my Balm of Gilead and made me feel better. It was a huge turning point for me which helped me to move forward.

I can see why people experiencing adultery would come here for similar solace and advice.

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I have told this story before but it was a long time ago:

Many years ago – early in my marriage my wife and I moved to the East coast where we struggled in our marriage. Nothing serious but it was a difficult time. A dynamic family moved into our branch with two teenage sons that were the ideal American teens. The father, Dan, was hansom and a test pilot in the air force that tested out foreign plains. His wife was gorgeous ex flight attendant. My wife often would say to me, “Why can’t you be more like Dan”. To which I would respond, “Why can’t you be more like Cheryl”.

I could not believe there was such a thing as a perfect couple and become determined to find the hidden flaw in their marriage. I had my opportunity with Dan when we were traveling one weekend to the welfare farm. Dan admitted that they had and their problem and he had decided to get a divorce. They had seen their lawyers and all they hand to do was finish it. Dan got to thinking and became convinced that all the problems they had were because of him and all the good things were because of his wife. He told me that he decided to save his marriage and make it up to his wife and that is why they had such a good marriage ever since.

Later I talked to Cheryl at a branch dinner and her story was the same as Dan’s except she said that when they were about to divorce she decided to make up for all the problems she had caused her husband. She said she had saved their marriage by trying to make up for all the problems she had caused.

Since I am a slow learner it took me years to realize that anytime someone thinks they “owe” their spouse and have dedicated their lives to make up to their spouse – that will be a wonderful loving marriage. If someone thinks they have been let down and their spouse “owes” them – that will be a most unhappy unfulfilling marriage for everybody. So if anyone wants to improve their marriage – my advice is to treat your spouse as if they were perfect and you were the cause of every problem. If you did not really owe them when you started – you soon will.

The Traveler

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I read posts in the Advice forum on a fairly regular basis and Im surprised to see how many of them are related to adultery. Im even more surprised to see how many responders have either been cheated on or have cheated themselves. Before I move on, let me just say how much I applaud anyone that has been able to work through an affair regardless of which side they were on. Its simply amazing and a true testament to the power of the Atonement.

Im curious as to why there are so many people in here who have been in someway involved in an affair. Is it because many of the people in this forum have sought this place out as a refuge or place to seek counsel? Or is adultery more common than I think, particularly in the church? Maybe I am overly sheltered, but I dont really know many temple married members who have had affairs. I have sat in sacrament meeting many times wondering how many members in there are currently having affairs, or how many have. I know, stupid thing to wonder during that kind of meeting. What do you all think. . . how rampant is this problem? Im also curious as to whether you all think affairs committed by members of the church are motivated by different reasons than by those outside of the church.

Hmmm - I don't recall having read any posts on this forum about adultery - at least not as far back as the 4 or 5 year I can remember. Guess it all depends on what kind of posts you are attracted to.

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Hmmm - I don't recall having read any posts on this forum about adultery - at least not as far back as the 4 or 5 year I can remember. Guess it all depends on what kind of posts you are attracted to.

I read pretty much every post on the advice forum. Obviously, I dont comment much. Yes, I am interested in the topic of adultery, not because it has been committed in my marriage, but because those that are able to overcome it seem to develop a very unique relationship with the Savior. Both the sinner, and the sinned against that get through such a trial have to be on the top of my list of most respected person. What motivates people to do it, and to overcome it, must be one of the most fascinating subjects I can think of. Further, I feel that being aware of the fact that it can happen in any marriage and seeing people comment about what led up to such events helps me to guard against the sin myself. Those that dont think it can ever happen in their own little bubble of a marriage seem more likely to succumb. Just my .02.

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Hmmm - I don't recall having read any posts on this forum about adultery - at least not as far back as the 4 or 5 year I can remember. Guess it all depends on what kind of posts you are attracted to.

Maybe you don't read the Advice forum much, or at all?

In the first page of threads on the Advice forum, at least 4 (20%) are about problems with adultery. I get this statistic just by mousing over the title of threads and reading the first few sentences in the small pop-up window- you'd probably find more by actually reading the OP's.

One doesn't have to be seeking out things about adultery to realize this- they just have to frequent the Advice forum.

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Maybe you don't read the Advice forum much, or at all?

In the first page of threads on the Advice forum, at least 4 (20%) are about problems with adultery. I get this statistic just by mousing over the title of threads and reading the first few sentences in the small pop-up window- you'd probably find more by actually reading the OP's.

One doesn't have to be seeking out things about adultery to realize this- they just have to frequent the Advice forum.

No - I don't read it much at all - it is usually only when the general and gospel threads are so slow that I can't find someone to irritate that I turn to the advice forum and usually I don't irritate people there because people there seem to be reaching out for help. I can tell you that if I needed serious advice about a personal issue, getting it from a message board would be among the last things I did.

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research shows;; the numbers are slightly lower among l.d.s. quite a lot lower amongst active l.d.s; and only about 5 percent of average for those whom attend the temple regularly.:)

I have read this before. My guess is the questions were posed in an atmosphere where an honest answer was thought to be undesirable.

I think that Mr. T was right on the mark about the rate being the same as with their non-mormon counterparts, because as he said, people are the same wherever you go.

In the battle between the Id and the Superego, the Superego needs to be prepared for a berserker attack at a moments notice.

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I'm not one to post personal problems online either. But then again, I guess I'm not as "anonymous" as other posters since my face is on my avatar. Back to OP. Like someone else said, people are people, doesn't matter whether you're LDS or not. Everyone commits sin and sometimes that sin is adultery.

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