My Court Experience Yesterday with the Ex... enough drama to write a book

[Guest mirancs8]

I was just taken off Ambien after 2 years of use; and Zaleplon, and chloral hydrate...

I bought a big box of diphenhydramine HCL (antihistamine - benadryl) because it makes some people sleepy. Ended up taking 300mg's of it; not even a yawn. But I did discover that its a powerful hallucionogen and hypnotic, much like ambien. Its actually a pleasant feeling; ambien always felt.. fake to me when I took it. It made me sleepy, but not necessarily tired.

And the Ambien nightmares were pretty bad too...

I did Ambien for years but didn't really do anything. Then I did the over the counter stuff but didn't like the way I was waking up. I take Trazodone and ow yes that's some good stuff. You get that halluciongen and hypnotic feeling more then the other stuff. I have to say it works well compared the the 20+ other stuff I tried.

That's the only thing I don't like is the nightmares. The Trazodone I haven't had that problem. I've had some good dreams with this stuff.

[MisterT]

Trazadone is ok, but I prefer Refron (Mirtazipine)

[its_Chet]

Time to come clean about my avatar. That's not me. It's Craig Charles, portraying the character David Lister from the British sitcom Red Dwarf, one of my all time favorite shows.

In fact, the user name "it's Chet" is not my real name either. I borrowed it from Weird Science for my nickname during a game of laser tag several years ago and it just kind of grew on me. I use my real name when I private message people here, but in the open forums I prefer a degree of anonymity.

Nothing personal. I'm just a little paranoid when it comes to online security.

As far as weight goes, I've heard before that it says in the books that if someone my height drops below 135 his life will be in danger, but my frame is unusually small. I've had friends wrap their fingers around my wrists up to the kuckle joints. My ankles aren't much larger. I'm just really small boned.

[Guest mirancs8]

Time to come clean about my avatar. That's not me. It's Craig Charles, portraying the character David Lister from the British sitcom Red Dwarf, one of my all time favorite shows.

In fact, the user name "it's Chet" is not my real name either. I borrowed it from Weird Science for my nickname during a game of laser tag several years ago and it just kind of grew on me. I use my real name when I private message people here, but in the open forums I prefer a degree of anonymity.

Nothing personal. I'm just a little paranoid when it comes to online security.

As far as weight goes, I've heard before that it says in the books that if someone my height drops below 135 his life will be in danger, but my frame is unusually small. I've had friends wrap their fingers around my wrists up to the kuckle joints. My ankles aren't much larger. I'm just really small boned.

Ow you bad bad man how dare you make us believe that fuzzy hat man was you LOL!!! Because you know that women with her head in her knees is me... NOT! LOL!!! Yeah I don't use my real name unless IM. You just never know when you put youself all out there on a forum especially talking about something so personal. What would be funny is if someone here ends up being your STBX and you have no clue either of you are on here! As she's reading she starts to think, "wow wait a minute... that's me he's talking about when he wanted to talk to my shrink/doctor WTF!!!!" Can you even imagine that? That would be one for the books.

No worries I won't tell you when I see her at church... I'M JUST KIDDING!!!!

[bl8tant]

So *you* were that lady I didn't know engaged in intense discussion with my STBX last week at church. I wondered what you two were laughing about so hard :)

[Guest mirancs8]

LOL!!! Yep I confess it was I.

[bl8tant]

Your picture here doesn't do you justice

[Guest mirancs8]

Nor does your from what she tell me LOL!!! :eek:

[bl8tant]

Yeah, I'm taller in real life :)

[MisterT]

My beard and moustache were getting kind of long so I trimmed off an inch or so today; not I look less like bl8tant and more likea stogy old professor with leather elbow patches on his woolen sweater, and less like a hobo..

Hobo, that's just a fun word to say. [Rich Massachusets accent] "Pardon me sir, are you a hobo? Steal any pies off a window sill lately?"[/accent]

[bl8tant]

You say "hobo," I say "adventurer." I have been known to steal a pie or two.

[MisterT]

That's what hobo's do, steal pies and ride the rails without a care in the world... Except for the roving gangs, TB, hepatitus ABC, and the fact that pies are getting harder to find nowadays in the era of the single serving foodservice container...

[MisterT]

You say "hobo," I say "adventurer." I have been known to steal a pie or two.

Hobo has a ring to it; adventurer makes me think of old British guys with pith helmets sitting on leather chairs with cigars and brandies, braggin' to eachother about their 'exploits in Her Majesties armed services...'

[its_Chet]

We have to find you a positive BPD experience LOL!

Well it wasn't all a vicious cycle of contempt and rejection. One thing about BPDs, when they're on, they're ON! It just happened less and less over the years. When we were courting, that's the only way she was. In the balance, I have to say, I cannot do that again.

There you go with those love handles again LOL!!!!!

My spare tire may be more like an inner tube, but it's there.

Ah yeah I wouldn't advise telling any woman you are divorcing that you want to speak to her shrink in private . That's called a "MAN NO NO!" You just crossed the "you want to what?!" line with a woman. I would have reacted to that too. I have no issue going together but no for my soon to be ex having a little get together to talk about me alone... ah no. So now you just don't care right? Being that your divorce is coming to an end you might want to let go of the "I want to save her" stage. Now is the time you put yourself on the priority list. You have a lot of healing to finish up. So would she have been on the mark with thinking you would be trying to get her "hopped up on medication" so she would be more "pliable" and come back home to you?

At that point, she knew I'd filed, but I had also decided not to serve the papers. I was not prepared to follow through yet and still didn't want to lose her, and I believe she knew this. We were getting along really well, considering that she wasn't living with me anymore. I thought we were still gonna make it. All I wanted to do was make sure that her psychiatrist was made aware that the person who had spent the most time with her and knew her best over the last 13 years had observed many of the symptoms of BPD and wanted to know if he could check her out for that. Only reason I didn't tell her what it was that I'm sure she has is that you're not supposed to tell people they have it unless you're qualified to treat it.

The medication concern comes from her psychiatrist here, who had her on this cocktail of pills that did more harm than good. She's only taking two or three perscriptions now, and she and her mom think that proves something other than that she's happier now. And she's only happier because she is in her comfort zone again. Also, she believes that a person should be able to count on relatives to help raise their children for them. Around here, people are a lot more independent. Not to say she didn't have help. She just needed an unreasonable amount of it. And she never appreciated anything anyone ever did for her. But I digress.

So how long has it been since you have seen your children? Are you a car drive away or a flight away? Not sure where you live.

They're a little over 1300 miles away from me. I saw them in February, and my oldest flew out to see me in March. That's a little hard to manage because even if he flies out here, I have to drive all the way to Kansas City to pick him up (4 hours away). There's an airport much closer, but the airlines that fly through there don't do unaccompanied minors.

so she's in Arizona. I know I probably read that on another post but didn't remember. So she's in my stomping grounds. She's embracing all thing Arizona ey. Not that exciting here to tell you the truth. Not sure how much time you've spent here but it's OK not great. I do miss the seasons changing. Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas! The weather is boring. Sunny, sunny, sunny... oooh we're gonna get some rain! Nope no rain... more sun, hot, hot, baking hot, and time to fry the eggs on the side walk HOT! Yes we have some "tools" down here. Not many but there are... of course they are all married. Stop chasing it's so not worth it at this point. She's obviously an Arizona girl now so she has her new adventure in front of her. It's unfortunately but you have to just have to move on. You deserve to have happiness and eternal love in your life. Look to the future.

Nah, I'm not chasing her anymore. I do NOT want her back, though I'd take her back if she got help and brought our children back home, but I'm off the hook there because she'd never do that. Problem is she and her mom bamboozled me into signing over guardianship of my oldest and I have my doubts that a judge is going to give me custody of the other two, splitting them up. That's what's got me depressed right now. Everything else is a little scary, but I can deal with that. Of course, I see no harm in trying to learn how not to make the same mistakes that you or any other woman's ex made. I see an opportunity to speak to a sane, kind woman about what didn't work in her marriage and learn how not to repeat that mistake on the man's end, and I can't help but want to learn. Men just don't understand women, so much of the time. To have one sit down and explain things to you is a golden opportunity, especially considering the stakes involved in marriage/divorce/re-marriage, etc. You don't appear to be uncomfortable with my inquisitiveness, but if you are I can back off.

You know I can't say that I am in any position to actually give advice since I myself can be a challenge as we all can in a particular situation. You do the best you can and be yourself. The key is that whatever change you bring about it should be for yourself. When you better yourself women will feed off of that positive vibe coming off of you. Believe in yourself. Know that you are worthy to have eternal love and happiness in your life. Open your heart to accept love in your life again. Have faith that there is someone very special waiting for you... it's just a matter of meeting. Focus on yourself and gain your happiness. Nothing is more attractive then a man who can see the positive in life... who can take from their past trials and turn their lives around. Be true to yourself. Be yourself.

My ex may have not done anything wrong in someone else's eyes so who am I to really judge. Who am I to say that in the general scope of things he is completely wrong. Maybe one day someone will come into his life that will be perfect for him. I sure hope he finds that happiness. In my situation he did lots wrong, but for someone else he could be the perfect match. What problems we had was very specific to our relationship it wasn't like a general don't do it thing.

Ow and yes I am terrified to get my heart broken. But you know what so is everyone else. It's a normal feeling to have. Just be more cautious, take your time, and tend to yourself. Build your confidence as a man, a Priesthood holder, a father, a potential husband and head of your household. It's a huge plate of responsibility... are you ready for the challenge?

Ow my goodness! I dream of the day to have a husband who can handle the finances. This part drove me NUTS! I felt deeply this should be a shared responsibility but that he should control it and boy that wasn't the case. No matter how many times I suggested it... even pushed it he couldn't do it! Our finances were such mess just letting him do it for a month. UGH! I hated that part.

I messed up the finances one time and she took over. I don't know how sharing control would have worked, but it must have been better than never having so much as a dollar in my wallet, all the time hearing her complain that I didn't make enough money and wasn't ambitious enough. But that's a result of her being an ingrate that was never satisfied with anything that anyone (me or anyone else) ever did for her. She didn't want to share control. I was never encouraged to take any of it myself. She comes from a way of life that says that women are supposed to be the head of household, and if the man does anything other than bow down like a mouse, than he is a chauvanist jerk. I even noticed this outside of her extended family when I lived out there (8 years in total).

This is why I'm not surprised that my wife and mother in law are utterly unable to understand that I've prayed about what to do and have consistently received an answer to stay right where I am and not move out there again. They just assume that I'm supposed to do what they want. Priesthood means nothing to them unless it acts as a rubber stamp to their matriarchy. Okay, now I'm sounding bitter. I digress.

Edited May 17, 2010 by its_Chet

[baver3]

Im just chiming in. Ive been away for a bit. Im glad you are feeling happier these days Mirancs8. I think that is the point when you decide to divorce.

My court date was continued today. My husband said he 'couldnt go' and he BEGGED me to actually have it cancelled.

We met at mediation today (again ugh!) and as soon as the mediator left the room he swore at me numerous times and called me the c word.

Just a question to all those going through or having gone through a divorce....is it that you ACTUALLY turn into a terrible person during the divorce, or is is purely perception?

I feel like I am trying to do whats right and defend myself and my kids. Its too bad he sees me in such a terrible light. As the mother of his children and being 8 months pregnant with his child, I DEFINATELY did not deserve that today...or any day.

I SOOOO hope your childrens schedule changes back to your husband only seeing the kids on weekends. I recently heard of this crazy child visitation schedule in AZ that said that the kids live in a house and the parents have to share the house and the kids just get to stay there (in stead of the kids moving from house to house). I would seriously hate that.

I think the fact that you are focusing on your happiness right now will do you and your children A LOT of good, more than you know. I so hope the judge will see how terrible of a schedule that is for your kids. And your husband will NOT be able to handle that schedule for too long. Hes going to crumble. Get some popcorn, take a seat and prepare to be entertained. He is in for the shock of his life if he thinks he can handle it. He is going to be a basket case.

I wish only the best for you. Thanks for keeping us updated!

:)

[FairChild]

You did not deserve to be treated in such fashion braver3. I think all the ugliness was there during the marriage, but noW he has no reason to hold back and feels justified at thowing whatever trash and abuse he can your way. I hope you are documenting all of this so that you will have it when you need it. FC

[bl8tant]

Just a question to all those going through or having gone through a divorce....is it that you ACTUALLY turn into a terrible person during the divorce, or is is purely perception?

I think it's natural.. in the sense that the natural man is an enemy to God.

In a divorce, no matter whether there's fault or whose it is, both parties are under enormous stress and strain. It's hard to dissolve a marriage. If you were terrible before, divorce will amplify it. If you were a Christlike model of perfection, divorce can inspire you to reach new lows of behavior, thought, and action.

The whole process of having to disassemble what was supposed to be a loving (and possibly eternal) relationship is difficult, and for most folks, when they're exposed to difficulty their bad sides come out.

I feel like I am trying to do whats right and defend myself and my kids. Its too bad he sees me in such a terrible light. As the mother of his children and being 8 months pregnant with his child, I DEFINATELY did not deserve that today...or any day.

No, you didn't deserve it, and I'm sorry you had to go through it.

I recently heard of this crazy child visitation schedule in AZ that said that the kids live in a house and the parents have to share the house and the kids just get to stay there (in stead of the kids moving from house to house). I would seriously hate that.

This is called "nesting". The best summary I've seen said it's like the weather: people talk about it, but no one does anything to bring it about. I don't think I would mind it that much, but that's easy to say when it's not a possibility in my case.

[its_Chet]

I was going to answer baver3's question, but bl8tant did such an outstanding job saying what I was thinking that all I can say now is that i agree 100%.

I have shuddered at the thought of bringing into the courtroom copies of pages from my wife's journals in which she writes about wanting to beat me to death (or nearly there) and abandon our oldest child in order to run off with an old boyfriend (and of course, from her perspective, it's all perfectly reasonable). I have shuddered at the thought of saying in court that my wife is just a child who is not ready to raise children herself, especially as a single mom.

But after the horrible things she has accused me of, I have stopped shuddering, and have realized that I'm in the fight of my life. When she takes off the gloves, I overwhelmingly feel like I have to do the same, to defend myself.

[bl8tant]

It's a tough balance: on one hand you have to preserve yourself, your interests, and those of your kids, and on the other you have to try to be as Christlike as possible. In my case I don't believe my STBX is a wicked person (though she's made some choices and decisions that have directly harmed me and our marriage), but that doesn't stop me from wanting to get all HULK SMASH! sometimes.

Definitely reminds me of the hoary old tale of the two wolves. Make sure you're feeding the right one.

[MisterT]

Divorce court would be more humane if instead of lawyers and courtrooms you were at the Colloseum and given spears, shields, nets, tridents, and a few lions to eat unwary Christians...

[Guest mirancs8]

Im just chiming in. Ive been away for a bit. Im glad you are feeling happier these days Mirancs8. I think that is the point when you decide to divorce.

My court date was continued today. My husband said he 'couldnt go' and he BEGGED me to actually have it cancelled.

We met at mediation today (again ugh!) and as soon as the mediator left the room he swore at me numerous times and called me the c word.

Just a question to all those going through or having gone through a divorce....is it that you ACTUALLY turn into a terrible person during the divorce, or is is purely perception?

I feel like I am trying to do whats right and defend myself and my kids. Its too bad he sees me in such a terrible light. As the mother of his children and being 8 months pregnant with his child, I DEFINATELY did not deserve that today...or any day.

I SOOOO hope your childrens schedule changes back to your husband only seeing the kids on weekends. I recently heard of this crazy child visitation schedule in AZ that said that the kids live in a house and the parents have to share the house and the kids just get to stay there (in stead of the kids moving from house to house). I would seriously hate that.

I think the fact that you are focusing on your happiness right now will do you and your children A LOT of good, more than you know. I so hope the judge will see how terrible of a schedule that is for your kids. And your husband will NOT be able to handle that schedule for too long. Hes going to crumble. Get some popcorn, take a seat and prepare to be entertained. He is in for the shock of his life if he thinks he can handle it. He is going to be a basket case.

I wish only the best for you. Thanks for keeping us updated!

Hi Braver3! Great to hear from you.

Yes I am feeling happier but not completely. It’s like I go through phases of being happy then getting depressed but it’s all a part of the process. I find that when I do feel depressed/down I immediately try to change my environment, or I will find something to do that will put me in a more positive place. This entire process can take a huge toll on a person emotionally no matter what side of it you are standing on. But what amplifies it for one party more then the other is when the spouse is suffering with some type of psychological issues. Or they are on a revenge path against you. At times those “issues” tend to make the spouse more erratic in their behavior, or it just makes each time in the courtroom or mediation a complicated one full of emotional yo-yoing from one extreme to the next. It’s like you sit there bracing yourself for what is going to come at you only to sit there thinking wow it’s going to smooth what is going on in his/her head right now, and when is it going to hit me like a freight train head on. You obviously got the freight train moment when the mediator left the room. He seized the opportunity to make you feel like… (*&%&$@). And most likely the “why doesn’t he just get it!” moment came into play in your mind (among other things). The disgust you feel with the manipulation that he continues to use in an all out effort to put you in that ow so uncomfortable place in your mind. Yeah I deal with that constantly. This is why I’ve chosen to not talk to him period unless it has to do with the children. I will not give him the opportunity to play these petty games with me. NO MORE! He can go kiss a cactus heavily populated with sharp thorns for all I care at this point!

I think we do become very ugly and terrible during a divorce situation. I just notice in myself I have become short, emotionally more sensitive then I have EVER been in my life, abrasive in the way I speak to others with no regard to what my words are doing to them, and just angry. What’s really bad is I hide all this behind the nervous laughter and plastered smile saying, “ow no everything is just fine. I’m doing just great.” When in fact yes though I have lots of great days compared to a couple of months ago, there are still those bad days. And when those bad days come they are really bad. Fortunately they have become much less frequent and don’t last more then a few hours at a time.

I do believe it’s changed a great deal because of the work I have been doing on myself. I’ve been listening to LDS motivational and GC speeches on my drives to and from work, reading a great deal of self help type books, and upping my scripture readings each day. I have been determined to focus on making myself a better person… a more happy person. I prefer that person to the person who was angered by a toxic marriage. I have been happy with my progress but it take lots of work and looking at myself seeing things that I wish I didn’t have to see… it’s always best not to be in denial of your faults but instead be aware while making the effort to develop on those things that are positive traits about yourself. Now if we could all relay that message to our ex’s that would be a good thing. What they do with it that’s another thing LOL!

You wrote: “I feel like I am trying to do what’s right and defend myself and my kids. Its too bad he sees me in such a terrible light.” Yep that’s exactly how I feel. I am trying to do everything right for the children yet he is on the selfish journey to be fair to how he sees fair as. He has not once asked my oldest if he is happy with the new visitation arrangement. He never once asked! You know why? Because he knows in his heart what our son will say… he will say no that he wants it to return back to what it was before. My son came home on Sunday night and as we were talking I asked him how he was feeling all week. He said to me he was so home sick and he almost threw up and he had stomach problems and such. He is physically suffering from this mess his father has made!!! I don’t care how much you hate your ex why make your children pay the price? I don’t get it. I feel like my hands are tied until this evaluation is done. The evaluations are our only hope so that the children have that stability in their lives.

You know I heard the same thing about that schedule where you have a house and the parents visit the kids. Ah no I don’t think so. That’s when you’ll see the kids and me in the car taking a very long drive. Honestly I can’t see how that could work unless both parents would want that. But then again this is Arizona so from what I am seeing nothing will shock me any longer. I wish I did what these other wives did when they left there ex’s I should have left the state!!! I initially thought to do that but then I changed my mind. Stupid me.

You know he is already crumbling believe me. He knows this will only last so long. He knows that in the end he will never be able to keep up with this schedule. He knows deep down in his heart that I am a great mother and gave my ALL in the marriage. Sure I do have my faults but we all do. I take responsibility to my part but he has YET to take responsibility for his part of the failure of the marriage. Most importantly his failure as a father. What a shame that he is slowing destroying any chance of a normal relationship with these beautiful children. He is most certainly not thinking of the future and the fact that they will grow up and soon see what he is. Heck my older son already does.

I feel horrible for the children especially my older son who in no time will be going to therapy to try to undo all the trauma this divorce has put us all through during this painful process. A process his father is dragging out instead of doing what was right from the beginning. If he was a man he would have thought first of those children before he decided to behave in such an erratic fashion.

Anyway, I’m sorry to hear that you had to deal with him once again in the mediation. I’m kind of glad I don’t have to be in a mediation situation as our evaluations are one on one not the both of us meeting together. I couldn’t do that anyway. I can’t sit in the same room with him I will become physically ill. I have to say too that those close to me who have been so supportive emotionally for me has been amazing. I am so thankful for those in my life who have been such a rock for me in times when I needed them it is just an awesome feeling. Also those in my Ward who have been so great and always manage to make me laugh and have a great time. We all need those moments in our lives. Surrounding yourself with positive people makes great waves of change in your life. The more focused we all can become on those things that will only bring great and positive changes in our lives will make us get through these times with far greater ease.

[Guest mirancs8]

Forgot to add that NO YOU DIDN'T DESERVE ANY OF IT!!! He's a BULLY!!!!!!! Keep reminding youself of that. HE IS A BULLY!!!! A BULLY WITH NO ONE OUNCE OF BACK BONE!!!

Who the heck does he think he is putting you the children AND your unborn child through all of this. He is selfish and a bully. NEVER forget that!!!

[bl8tant]

I love your short posts, mirancs8. They mesh well with my short attention span :)

[Guest mirancs8]

bl8tant Wrote: I love your short posts, mirancs8. They mesh well with my short attention span :)

So in the spirit of working on being a better person I had to forcefully stop myself from saying the sarcastic (and very funny) comment I was going to make. See all this work I'm doing to better myself is working to your benefit right now.

Wait Mr. T let me pass the buck to you... would you like to chime in with some sarcasim with the above quote since I'm sure you may be thinking what I am thinking... so I say go for it... let it loose LOL!!!

Ahhh I feel so free right now ha ha ha

[bl8tant]

Bring the sarcasm. I can always use a good LOL even when I'm the target.