The war in between


dizzysmiles
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I hear so many people getting divorced in my life for many reasons. (please don't fret, I am not judging anyone here.) I hear that they "just don't love you anymore" or they ran into a bad time. Their spouse hurt them emotionally. While all of these issues are not fun and sad to deal with I view my marraige here as a war. Let me tell you why, I married my husband not thinking it would be perfect, but that we are two humans so problems would probably arise. I view it as we are on one side of the war together and satan is on the other. HE is very tricky and will throw bombs left and right at each other. SOmetimes my husband is holding the bomb and I have the choice "Do I run?" or "Do I detonate the bomb" Then there are times when I have the bomb and he has the choice. The only time I can't do anything is if he hits the bomb over myhead and abuses me or holds it so tight he won't let it go without trying. The "D" word is not allowed in my home (Divorce) and the only time I will surrender is if there is abuse or he wouldn't be willing to change, even through an affair if he were sorry and wanted to get better Id be there. What do you view your marriage as? Becuase I tell ya, once that battle is over, I look back and grow through truimph and love and the energy to fight the next oncoming battle

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I think "falling out of love" is not a good enough reason to get divorced. You were in love when you got married and it's possible to rebuild those lost feelings through patience and devotion. Most people simply don't want to put in that extra effort of "patience" and "devotion" in order to make things work. But it's doable. I personally feel that divorce is only valid when infidelity, addiction and abuse (in whatever form) are a chronic cycle even after being addressed and counseled. At that point, it's time to save yourself and rebuild your own self-worth and life.

In my own marriage, I think we're pretty well balanced and in most aspects of our relationship. While we have our differences, I'd say we see eye-to-eye more often than not. When we do have our heated arguments, I make it a point to never ever throw around "I want a divorce" just to get his attention. I know that sounds silly but I know it happens with people. It's just such a disheartening word, it has a deeper wounding affect than any cuss word in the book, especially when you know that person loves you unconditionally. It's a dagger straight to the heart and a word that can never be taken back. Honestly, I could never leave my husband, he's just sooo much apart of me. He's my protector, confidante and best friend. I can't even fathom the idea.

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As I now divorced person I would like to throw in some of my points of view etc. I definitely agree with both of you. Divorce rate is way too high, people are trying less and less, and have some pretty stupid reasons to divorced. I would probably not divorce my spouse if he had cheated, had a porn problem etc, as long as he was willing to work on it, get past it, and get back to being strong in the church.

I can not say my problems were not partly my fault, I did and said some pretty bad things alot of times. But I can say that I am completely sure that God told me to get a divorce and it was the right thing for me. Yes I did not always work on it in those two years, yes I was not always the strongest member, yes at some points of the marriage there are things I should have done different to make it work. But after what has happened I know that it was the right thing to get a divorce. And the biggest reason was abuse. I decided I could not bring children into that type of household after growing up in it myself. I needed a father for my children that was strong in the church and tried to have a good spirit with him. Yes I did get married in the temple, and I still strongly feel like in that point in my life I was meant to marry him, I do not regret it, I now feel like after two years of what has happened, him not trying, and the abusive that it was the right decision to get the divorce. I learn a lot from it.

Some things I learned about marriage is, it takes three people: You, your spouse, and God

That you need to think that divorce is not a word in your home. And this one is very important that I tried hard to go by: YOU CHOOSE TO BE IN LOVE WITH YOUR SPOUSE OR NOT! It does not matter if that person is different than the person you married, or if your not attracted to them anymore. This does not mean you have to love everything they do, or stay with them if they are abusing you. But you were in love with them when you married, and you choose to continue to love them and be in love with them. I was seperated two months ago, divorced last week, I never fell out of love with that person, I just decided I deserved to be treated better, and that just cause I love a person does not mean I should stick around for the abuse if I am trying my best. Right now I can honestly tell you that even when I was thinking about the divorce, times we were seperated, I still choose to be in love with that person, and because of that I still love and am in love with that person. I will let go of that when the time is right for me, but not ready to yet.

Dizzy, I love your analogy! I can admit that I let the devil into my marriage far more than I should have. But at least I am aware of that and learned that so I can try a lot harder not to do that when I marry again!

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Thanks for sharing Rach! Sounds like you did the right thing. In no way should anyone have to put up with abuse. It's hard to hear when people get caught in the web of it and can't get out of it. Ihope in the future you will and can find someone who treats you the way you should be. Sounds like you are a great girl with a good head on her shoulders! That was beautiful!

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I grew up in a household where when things became rough my mom would speak of divorce. It didn't happen often, and it happened mostly around the time I was entering adulthood, however it happened and it left an impression on me. Now before you go judging my mom, she is a great woman and the reasons she had for divorce were/are reasonable, however I do not agree with her way of viewing things.

Since getting married I am sorry to say that I have more than once used divorce as a threat. And yet each time I threatened it was for a valid reason. Then after years of being married I did something stupid and found my husband and I talking about divorce. Except this time he was the one who was making the choice and if he had chosen to walk out of our marriage he would have been within his rights, in fact the church would have given him full rights to divorce me. Suddenly I had a look at the other side of the cannon, I looked at what I risked loosing, my whole world, the wonderful life I had built with my husband, and I realized that I truthfully did not want divorce, ever. I looked back on what he had done in the past, the things that caused me to threaten him with divorce, and I realized that compared to what I had done they were pittance. And yet with all of this, all of the betrayal that I had heaped upon him he still chose to stay with me and help me to work through my sins.

And from that day forward I made a choice, I chose to take the option of divorce out of my marriage. I could see how dreadful of an option that was, I could see how it would rip me and my husband apart. I chose to never threaten it again. If he could work through my sins with me then I could definitely work through his sins with him. Together we have stepped forward on a new path, a path where we are indeed in a war against Satan, and we now know that if we don't work together to help each other through the pitfalls that Satan will lay for us that we may never make it out of this war together. The thought that I could lose my best friend in the world to a trap that Satan has laid for us makes me feel sick and because of that I will never give up on my marriage.

The way I see divorce now is different than I did before. Now I believe that divorce should really only be considered if there is abuse, or if there is sexual deviancy where the sinner is not willing to repent and turn away from the sin. There are reasons for why a couple would divorce, but I think we need to be more willing to remove the option of divorce unless there is "really" no other option.

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Guest mirancs8

I have to agree that, "falling out of love" is no reason to get divorced. This is why I think it is so important to build a friendship first so that the love is one which is full of strength. When your relationship is built on a strong foundation it is unlikely if not nearly impossible to fall apart.

However one should not lower their standards and expectations of their spouse solely on the fact that they are married. We tend to become creatures of our habitat and once we are comfortable we tend to tolerate much more from each other. What once would have been seen as unacceptable now becomes tolerated. Once we fall deeper into this cycle we begin to crash and burn in the relationship. Suddenly we see ourselves sunk so low but now it's been to long... is there a point of return. Yes of course. As long as each of you are willing to change and get back on the wagon. BUT if the other person is unwilling, abusive, using illegal substances, viewing pornography and is unwilling to repent and change well that's when you have to ask yourself... am I willing to live with this for time and eternity?

It's one thing to have issues in a marriage. We all will have them it's part of being in a relationship. It's another thing to be with someone who is so destructive that the day to day functioning of your home, life, and children is hanging by a threat... and that thread is you. Not only are you carrying the load of this spouse who is unable to pull themselves together you now are alone is marriage that should have been a partnership. Now you you are holding down the fort doing everything to keep the family afloat yet this spouse keeps pulling the plug and letting the air out of the raft. It becomes a never ending cycle.

There are people on this board who have worked years at trying to keep their marriages moving in the right direction. Unfortunately without your spouse doing their part it becomes almost impossible to handle. A divorce is a huge decision which may take years to come to that conclusion. No one wants their family to be torn apart. It would have to be unbearable to come to that point.

BUT there are those who get divorced for reasons that seem more like an escape from responsibility and/or accountability rather than the ones mentioned above (abuse and such). It's unfortunately we have so much divorce. The adversaries are working overtimes these days.

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I did something stupid and found my husband and I talking about divorce. Except this time he was the one who was making the choice and if he had chosen to walk out of our marriage he would have been within his rights, in fact the church would have given him full rights to divorce me. Suddenly I had a look at the other side of the cannon, I looked at what I risked loosing, my whole world, the wonderful life I had built with my husband,

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I think divorce happens to good people too, no judgment on your mom ;), Second this is why I say sometimes he holds the bomb, and WE hold the bomb. He has the choice to run and detonate. If we keep telling him to run, then of course he will. (threaten divorce one day will mean fine lets just do it) I know what you mean, for years I thought "How could you do this to me" until I was put in his shoes and I hope those who are going through hard times because of their spouse hurting them, will realize, it may one day be you that does the hurting. I would much rather be the victim then the one doing the hurting. The hurting another, hurts worse.

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