What to do when we fall back? What's the next step?

[lost123]

I posted earlier about what support there is in repenting as I was struggling.

What do I do when I fall back? I am repenting for chastity issues related to my boyfriend. We have not done anything that requires excommunication or formal disfellowshipping but I have been trying to repent for quite a few months as was deemed necessary from my Bishop. I felt a lot of opposition to repenting (although I wanted to repent) but was able to get over that hump. I didn't feel a lot of support in my efforts to repent and although I wanted to progress I had a difficult time feeling the weight of what I'd done. I kept plodding along and thought that surely that feeling of godly sorrow would come.

Now...unfortunately, after doing so well, my boyfriend and I crossed serious chastity lines (though not entirely) this week. The problem is I didn't feel bad about it like I should. I don't know how to feel what I need to feel to repent. I've thought that perhaps we should just get married as he would like to. I have been a temple going person ever since I was endowed until recently. Do I really want to go all the way down the road that I have foolishly gone down since I've already started (and haven't been able to get back on board) and not marry in the temple? I can't be sure it is wise to marry him so what would that bring?

I only ask here because I don't know how to approach my repentance anymore and what to do - or to just try own my own to figure it out. I've been to Bishop who set my on what I need to do to repent and to return when I feel progress. I progressed then fell back before I could meet with him again so I can't really get advice from him now. I have a hard time feeling encouraged when I met with him before and sought advice again from him when I found repentance difficult and came out even more discouraged. What step do I take next? I feel as though I am failing.

[Guest mormonmusic]

You need to keep trying. I'd go and tell the Bishopthe lines you crossed and how you feel. I think the fact that you're writing here shows you do feel badly about what's going on, although not like Enos in the Book of Mormon.

You also want to get married in the temple. That's the only reason I'm with my spouse now; the eternal commitment we felt -- and I also think the commitment we showed in getting married for eternity has led to great blessings in our relationship. People always tell me I have a beautiful family, and the only reason it exists is because the temple marriage gave my wife and I the commitment to stick through the hard times; you want that success in your life, believe me.

So, I say "get back on the horse". Satan wants you to get off. Don't do it. Set your sights on getting to the temple.

Whether to marry your boyfriend, when I asked people that question about the girlfriends I had, I never got a firm answer from my parents or anyone. It was always "my choice". It was frustrating as I didn't know what to look for, and hormones are never enough.

I suggest you take an inventory of your emotional needs by reading the philosophies of Willard Harley Junior at Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice and figure out what your emotional needs are. Also, determine how well your prospective husband is likely to meet those needs. Observe his family closely and spend time with them -- learn who does the housework, who rears the children, and how the family deals with conflict. You may not see it now, but your husband is most likely to adopt similar attitudes as his family -- unless he's outright rejected his family culture due to difficult circumstances in his family life. Decide if you can live in such a family culture if you marry him.

I hope this helps -- but the main thing -- get back on the horse. You are SO CLOSE to the temple marriage with your endowment, and your desires to be good. Stick with it so you ultimately get there. It will definitely be worth it.

One word of advice -- "NEVER BE HORIZONTAL". That helped me when I met my wife who was the most attractive thing on earth.

Edited May 15, 2010 by mormonmusic

[addicthelp]

The problem is I didn't feel bad about it like I should. I don't know how to feel what I need to feel to repent. What step do I take next? I feel as though I am failing.

There are 2 common situations when chastity lines are crossed: 1. Quick and extreme feelings of remorse. 2. Knowing the line was crossed but confusion of remorse.

You are #2. So why is it like that you ask? First and foremost...intimacy is part of humanity and survival. These feelings are inherent to each human and without them life and creation would cease to exist. The fact is that these feelings can confuse because of how wonderful they are. To say these feelings are not wonderful would be lying. These feelings and relationships are part of God's plan. Now the kicker is God's infinite wisdom in knowing the necessity of waiting and following his laws to experience the depths of these feelings within a marriage.

The adversary takes that which is good and wonderful and likes to put his own spin on it. Satan takes wonderful things and says, "This is wonderful...it feels wonderful...how can it be bad?" Satan would say, "See how good it feels. How can this be wrong?" Satan knows that if he can convince humanity to use these feelings outside of marriage and commitment, that he can destroy the promises of Abraham and eternal posterity. God knows that if these feelings are used within the bonds of eternal marriage, that relationships will be strengthened and eternal bonds formed. Have you ever held a small baby and felt that power of life? Think of millions of these sweet children in eternity. That is what Gods wisdom will bring.

So you are correct that these feelings are powerful and YES they can feel very good even to the point where confusion takes place. Just know that you have a choice. You can use these feelings outside the bonds of eternal marriage and maybe even have a few years of great intimacy but ultimately commitment will fail and the pain down the road will be great. Many clients we see in counseling are in this category :) OR...you can humbly seek the Saviors atonement by praying and seek the counsel of your Bishop, which will ultimately lead to the powerful experience of eventually getting married in the Temple with either this person or someone else, using intimate powers with an eternal companion, and ultimately creating a posterity of millions that will Thank You for the eternities that you made these decisions now.

Instant gratification is definitely temporarily rewarding but gratification within the bounds the Lord has set is eternally rewarding.

Edited May 15, 2010 by addicthelp

[LDSVALLEY]

We have to remember that some steps we climb are easy shallow and not steep. Others are narrow, go in circles, dark, uneven, steep and long hard climbs. In Earthly life as in spiritual life there is only two options.

When we slip while climbing a set of steps to our goals we can either pick ourselves up, no matter how many we have slipped down, or continue to go down them.

It is embarrassing when others see us slip down some steps, it is exhausting when we have worked hard to climb so many steps only to fall back down. Often when we slip and try to start up again not only are we tired but we carry the burden of our actions on our backs as extra weight. Each time we slip we gain more weight.

It is harder to show remorse for a slip when instead of us being focused on what we did as the negative we realize the extra burden we will shoulder and have to try to take that step yet again and again and again. That is why the incorrect choice doesn't feel so bad, it is because the process you need to take seems exhausting since you just finished it again.

The Lord will lift your burden from you if you allow him too and you take the time to strengthen yourself so you can make the climb yet again. We begin as always by putting one foot in front of the other.

One concern I would have, I grew up non LDS until late twenties, is that at least from the way you put it. The two of you have made mistakes but you are the one repenting from them. He is equally the cause of your slipping off the step. Now you have the additional task of figuring out is he to be a support and help for you to continue to climb or yet another burden pulling you down?

We can not change others, we can only change ourselves. It is not a question of love, or desire but what both want out of our short existence on Earth and much longer one afterward.

You have fallen a few steps a couple of times and know how much that hurts. If you continue to fall down them all you have done is wasted. And the fall will hurt more each slip.

God is there to provide a railing to help you climb. To provide light to see where to place your foot, to smooth the steps to ease the climb. BUT only YOU can take that step, then the next and the next no matter how long, no matter how tiring, no matter how hard.

Turn to those who can help you lay your burdens at your feet and help you up one step at a time. No matter whom they might be. Those who would hold onto you, pull at you, or want you to come down to them you have to turn away from.

Turn and climb the right way, the help is there, the choice is yours.

[rameumptom]

We don't feel pain for the things we have not fully committed to. Pain is important to repentance. Had you felt true pain for the former sins, you probably would not have committed new and bigger sins.

One of the best ways to find this kind of pain is to use imagery techniques. Imagine the most gruesome, sickening, and terrible things you can imagine. If nothing else, think about the Jews killed in gas chambers by the Nazis. Let it make you feel sick to your stomach, and your head hurt.

Once you feel this way, transfer that sickening pain to your own sin. Imagine that your actions are like that of the Nazis, only you have placed Jesus in the gas chamber to suffer for your crimes. Imagine his body being tossed onto a large pile of emaciated bodies in a mass grave. This is YOUR doing, take full ownership for it, including the pain. After all, this sin is separating you from God's presence and blessings. You have taken the temple, its covenants, and God's blessings fully for granted - which is why you are not feeling any pain for your sins.

Let this feeling of pain fill every fiber of your being. YOU are the murderer of your own soul. YOU have crucified Christ with your sins.

Now, once this has completely caused you to hate and regret your sin, you are ready to truly repent. Now you can go to the Lord and actually repent of these sins, because you now realize the full impact to yourself and to God.

You will know that you must not marry outside the temple. And if this guy is taking you away from the temple, then you will know you must drop the relationship, as he will destroy you and your soul. He has already numbed your conscience to where you feel no pain. You have to regain God's presence, which means leaving all sin and those helping you to sin, behind you.

[FifthElement]

If you are serious about your boyfriend and want to get married (I'm not sure of your age), then get married. If your not serious about him, then break off the relationship. Sexual expression is very serious and has a purpose. "Being" with someone and not being married is akin to giving out a piece of your flesh and never getting it back. After a while, you've got nothing left to give the person you really want to give yourself to if you've given it away to others.

Think about what you really want....to be thought of as a person of value or as the local "trash."

The decisions you make now will put you where you do or don't want to be 10 years from now.

[Hemidakota]

I posted earlier about what support there is in repenting as I was struggling.

What do I do when I fall back? I am repenting for chastity issues related to my boyfriend. We have not done anything that requires excommunication or formal disfellowshipping but I have been trying to repent for quite a few months as was deemed necessary from my Bishop. I felt a lot of opposition to repenting (although I wanted to repent) but was able to get over that hump. I didn't feel a lot of support in my efforts to repent and although I wanted to progress I had a difficult time feeling the weight of what I'd done. I kept plodding along and thought that surely that feeling of godly sorrow would come.

Now...unfortunately, after doing so well, my boyfriend and I crossed serious chastity lines (though not entirely) this week. The problem is I didn't feel bad about it like I should. I don't know how to feel what I need to feel to repent. I've thought that perhaps we should just get married as he would like to. I have been a temple going person ever since I was endowed until recently. Do I really want to go all the way down the road that I have foolishly gone down since I've already started (and haven't been able to get back on board) and not marry in the temple? I can't be sure it is wise to marry him so what would that bring?

I only ask here because I don't know how to approach my repentance anymore and what to do - or to just try own my own to figure it out. I've been to Bishop who set my on what I need to do to repent and to return when I feel progress. I progressed then fell back before I could meet with him again so I can't really get advice from him now. I have a hard time feeling encouraged when I met with him before and sought advice again from him when I found repentance difficult and came out even more discouraged. What step do I take next? I feel as though I am failing.

Beside what is posted, what is the greater sin? The sin itself or not fully repenting when you have the ability and knowledge?

We all fall short here. Even the greatest among us [not including Christ] have short comings. IF you are struggling with a certain sin, you have not taken upon yourself the method that Enos [see the Book of Enos] used to find GOD. We need this approach when asking GOD for support, with overcoming the sin itself. We keep asking until it is done.

Remember, GOD stills love you you but loves you even greater when you 'strive' to repent and change out your old habits.