Is it just me?

[missmatalini]

This is a controversial topic, allot of people end up getting frustrated with me, but no one is giving me good answers or being understanding.

I have a strong testimony and all but sometimes I really feel like the church is sexist.

It seems like all we ever learn or talk about is just having children, cooking and making quilts.

Does anyone else feel this way?

[Jenamarie]

That has not been my experience at all. I've learned how to be a better mother, a better wife, a better friend, a better daughter, a better keeper of my home, a better servent to my fellow men and women, a better citizen, etc.

[rameumptom]

The church is what you make of it. Yes, some sisters will be focused on homemaking, but there are many who are professionals, etc., as well.

[Hemidakota]

This is a controversial topic, allot of people end up getting frustrated with me, but no one is giving me good answers or being understanding.

I have a strong testimony and all but sometimes I really feel like the church is sexist.

It seems like all we ever learn or talk about is just having children, cooking and making quilts.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Talk to your YW President about having topics outside the usual norm discussed in your gathering you would like to hear? Without a feedback mechanism, how would she know on what to present? You are part of that sisterhood and your input is just as important as other sisters who feel these topics are the only things to focus on.

Edited May 28, 2010 by Hemidakota

[pam]

Hmmm interesting. I've learned things like how to be a better speaker, leadership, how to be independent, how to be prepared, how to be closer to my Father in Heaven. How one can be more Christlike. In service projects, I've learned skills I never thought I would that some might consider a "mans" job. I've learned some basic auto skills in RS. I've learned how to camp and be self sufficient while doing it. The list can go on and on.

To this day I still don't know how to quilt.

[beefche]

Considering that the OP is 15 years old, I'm wondering what the heck they are learning in YW.

I think each ward is different. Some wards have tons of crafty people, others don't. People will teach what they know, typically. So, if you are in a YW who has leaders that are crafty people, then your activities are probably going to be geared toward that. Good news is that almost all leaders WANT your feedback. Go to your Mia Maid president (if you are the MM president, then talk to your advisor) and talk to her about some ideas for activities. Volunteer to help plan and execute some activities (you might even be able to count that towards your Personal Progress).

[Mahone]

I have a strong testimony and all but sometimes I really feel like the church is sexist.

By popular definition, yes it is - and there are far more examples than just what you listed. Whether it's really justified through the official reasons given is up to you to decide.

[missmatalini]

Considering that the OP is 15 years old, I'm wondering what the heck they are learning in YW.

I think each ward is different. Some wards have tons of crafty people, others don't. People will teach what they know, typically. So, if you are in a YW who has leaders that are crafty people, then your activities are probably going to be geared toward that. Good news is that almost all leaders WANT your feedback. Go to your Mia Maid president (if you are the MM president, then talk to your advisor) and talk to her about some ideas for activities. Volunteer to help plan and execute some activities (you might even be able to count that towards your Personal Progress).

Actually I don't think its just the activities we do, its the teaching in general too.

They are constantly saying that "If you don't get married, then you should just serve a mission"

Its hard to think of some examples off the top of my head now.

I'm the only Mia maid, so I'm paired up with the 3 laurels we have in our ward. Its really irritating because they are always shooting down my hopes and dreams. Whenever I share what I want to do they ask me why I don't want to stay home with my kids and let my future husband work.

I don't know, I don't want to appear to be spoiled and a brat but I figured someone else out there that's not in my ward could relate.

[mightynancy]

I find a lot of the YW program materials to be rather sexist - while the gospel itself never goes out of date, the materials do. In contrast I find that the conferences are wonderful, which more than makes up for the lacking manuals!

The last YW general meeting was amazing and not at all sexist...and believe me, I went with my ears ready to hear (I was in a mood, what can I say?). If the lessons bother you, offer to help teach. Don't let the other girls get in the way of your dreams and goals. They are not in charge of your salvation - you are the one making choices for yourself. Ask yourself if your choices bring you closer to Christ...if they do, you're on the right track. Do your choices prepare you to make and keep sacred covenants? If they do, you're on the right track. The rest is fluff.

[vgirl]

originally posted by mightynancy : Don't let the other girls get in the way of your dreams and goals. They are not in charge of your salvation - you are the one making choices for yourself. Ask yourself if your choices bring you closer to Christ...if they do, you're on the right track. Do your choices prepare you to make and keep sacred covenants? If they do, you're on the right track. The rest is fluff.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I agree with what mightynancy has to say. Just remember, there are always going to be people who think they know what is best for you, no matter where you go in this world. When i first joined the church i thought i had to strongly consider everything everyone was telling me to do, like: who to marry. when to marry, how many kids i should have etc.. etc.... I made a huge mistake in listening to the advice on who i should marry and when. You know better than anyone else what is best for you.

As long as your living the gospel principals and you are a kind loving decent human being and you do not neglect you duties - what ever thy may be- then you will be fine.

Oh and by the way i know 2 men in the church who stay at home while their wives go out to work because they are better with the kids. Whatever works right?

Edited May 28, 2010 by vgirl

[Gemma]

"Whenever I share what I want to do they ask me why I don't want to stay home with my kids and let my future husband work"

If they ask you why, how about you really think about your reasons? Maybe you want to set an example of hard work for your future kids, you want to develop yourself intellectually, or you just don't think its fair to expect your husband to do all the work of providing your family with what they need.

You could ask them if they've thought about what they'll do if Mr perfect doesn't turn up right away - are they gonna work in a store, go to college, do they expect their parents to keep on supporting them? I'd be interested to hear whether they've thought about it at all!

For leaders this is a tricky one to balance. It is part of the gospel that we need to get married to reach our full potential, and that the mother is the best person to raise children. So if I was a young womens leader I would encourage you to aim for those things. But you shouldn't feel like you're limited to that!

Its important for a woman to have her own goals too - I always wanted marriage and children but heavenly fathers plan was for me to wait till my late 20's to meet the right guy. The same thing might happen to any young women, and you don't want to waste your life waiting. I didn't go on a mission, cos I never felt like I needed too, and I spent a lot of time studying - I have a PhD in math and now have a good job. When I have children, I plan to be a stay at home mum but work as well, as either a math tutor or a dressmaker, or possibly both.

[FunkyTown]

"Whenever I share what I want to do they ask me why I don't want to stay home with my kids and let my future husband work"

If they ask you why, how about you really think about your reasons? Maybe you want to set an example of hard work for your future kids, you want to develop yourself intellectually, or you just don't think its fair to expect your husband to do all the work of providing your family with what they need.

You could ask them if they've thought about what they'll do if Mr perfect doesn't turn up right away - are they gonna work in a store, go to college, do they expect their parents to keep on supporting them? I'd be interested to hear whether they've thought about it at all!

For leaders this is a tricky one to balance. It is part of the gospel that we need to get married to reach our full potential, and that the mother is the best person to raise children. So if I was a young womens leader I would encourage you to aim for those things. But you shouldn't feel like you're limited to that!

Its important for a woman to have her own goals too - I always wanted marriage and children but heavenly fathers plan was for me to wait till my late 20's to meet the right guy. The same thing might happen to any young women, and you don't want to waste your life waiting. I didn't go on a mission, cos I never felt like I needed too, and I spent a lot of time studying - I have a PhD in math and now have a good job. When I have children, I plan to be a stay at home mum but work as well, as either a math tutor or a dressmaker, or possibly both.

And you're what Shakespeare called 'One Hot Mama of a Math Doctor'.

PS: What exactly does a math doctor do? I've always wondered that. Do you, instead of solving equations, fix them? Like a kid with a broken arm? 'I'm sorry, Mr. Cosine! But you clearly are suffering from lackofrightangleicitis. As a Doctor, I recommend a shot of punchinthefaceicillin for being difficult.

[Elgama]

Have you ever read anything by Chieko Okazaki? Working Mum of two who has served on every general presidency a woman can serve on. Lighten Up is my favourite book

By and large at least in the UK LDS women tend to be the best educated most intelligent group of women I have ever met, a lot also have a desire to be Ensign Woman (Looks beautiful, has 11 perfectly turned out well behaved kids, immaculate house, furthers her studies and magnifies all her callings not to mention everything in her home is made painstakingly by hand, and she cooks breakfast every morning and makes her husband's lunch everyday. There is no shouting in the home etc) Personally I am sitting her in a messy house, can't decide what to do with meagre rations in the freezer, and my kids are screaming at each other in the bath where I have stuck them because if they don't scream in a different room I;m going to throw them all in a wheelie bin and elope with a new man to Australia.

I find it takes effort when you don't fit in, be the first one to take cookies round, remember birthdays, offer to help with housework etc Don't change youself but accept others are the way they are

[Guest mormonmusic]

Yep, by wordly standards the chuch is sexist. Women can't hold the priesthood, the man is the patriarch of the family (although he executes the office with deep regard and respect for his wife's opinions), women can't hold priesthood leadership positions, and Ezra Taft Benson's statement "a woman's place is in the home".

However, that doesn't mean you can't prepare yourself for a career.

My wife bought totally into the "stay home and make babies" concept in YW, and then found after marriage she couldn't have them, at least not for another 10 years. She was totally lost and would come home from Church most Sundays all upset when another sister announced a pregnancy.

So, I always think YW should think about a career, and prepare for it. We never assume my daughter will be able to have children, although the odds are good she will someday (she's not even in YW yet) and we teach about career prep, going to university, thinking about her life's work etcetera.

I have to admit though, our family life got MUCH better when my wife was able to stay at home rather than working after we moved to the United States. Life is so much better for the whole family than tearing around to your job, dropping people off, picking them up, and then being exhausted in the evenings. Having to spend all day Saturday cleaning up from the week and such because there was no time during the week.

My brother, who went AWOL from righteous living for a few years said it started when my mother started working and he came home to an empty house. Even now, it upsets my children if they come home and Mommy isn't there, for some reason.

Having a mother at home is important.

[missmatalini]

I find a lot of the YW program materials to be rather sexist - while the gospel itself never goes out of date, the materials do. In contrast I find that the conferences are wonderful, which more than makes up for the lacking manuals!

The last YW general meeting was amazing and not at all sexist...and believe me, I went with my ears ready to hear (I was in a mood, what can I say?). If the lessons bother you, offer to help teach. Don't let the other girls get in the way of your dreams and goals. They are not in charge of your salvation - you are the one making choices for yourself. Ask yourself if your choices bring you closer to Christ...if they do, you're on the right track. Do your choices prepare you to make and keep sacred covenants? If they do, you're on the right track. The rest is fluff.

Yes I do think the last YW General conference was amazing.

I also agree the lessons and materials need to be updated.

Thanks for your post, it helped me allot :)

[Bini]

You already got some great advice.

I just wanted to chime in and say that there's no rush, despite the pushiness and pressure you may feel from other people. Take in what you can and take it in as preparation. You don't have to be a mother and homemaker right away. That will come when it comes. For now, focus on the goals you set for yourself and achieve them as you're able. Don't feel like you have to be a mum as soon as you're out of high school and forget your dreams. You don't.

[Nikkie85]

I am a Mia Maids adviser and I encourage my girls to go to college and fulfill their dreams. I am 25 and pregnant with my first child. I have a great job that I love but I am ready for the next stage in my life. I cannot wait to stay at home with my baby and be the one to raise it! I honestly could not imagine handing over a 6 week old baby to daycare...but those are my feelings. If you want to go to college and have a career than do it! You are a young lady and the way you feel about staying home and being a housewife might not be want you want right now but it might be some day. I don't find the Church sexist at all...I find it to be the truth. We are happier when we are fulfilling our divine roles...being a mother and a wife. There is a time and a season for everything. Your kids will not be at home forever and then you might want to focus on a career or you might put off marriage and children until you are older. You have so many options and don't have to decide what you are going to do with your life right now. Just study hard in school and live the gospel standards...you will know the right path for you.

[AmyKate88]

I can totally relate to your feelings that the Church can seem sexist at times. I actually constantly struggle with this on a regular basis. It may be amplified because I live in Utah

I am graduating in August with my Bachelor's degree in Political Science, and currently work in public relations. I have no intentions of being a stay at home mom my entire life - I plan on working part-time once my kids are in school. I have never been raised to be dependent on a man or feel like I was subservient to one. When I joined the Church, my mom was really worried that I would be marginalized because I was a woman.

That has not been the case, but I still get weird comments from other church members and leaders. They often tease me about my accomplishments or my ambition to not just stay at home and make crafts and scrapbooks, and say I should just let my husband do all the work and lead the family. This doesn't sit well with me at all! Luckily my boyfriend is also really egalitarian about gender roles, or we might have a problem on our hands!

Sometimes it's hard to brush it off, but I try to remember that the Gospel is not sexist. God created us all equally and there is nothing in the Book of Mormon that places women as second-class citizens. The reality is that the Church is comprised of human beings, who are imperfect. So even though the Gospel is perfect, the Church isn't. When people act close-minded or sexist in the Church, that's not God's intentions.

Of course, once you have a family, they are your number one priority, but that doesn't mean that you can't find fulfillment in education and a job as well. God wants us to have full, rich lives here on Earth.

[mightynancy]

Another piece of advice: you can do it all, but you can't do it all at once. There's a time for everything, and being ready for anything is smart.

I didn't meet Mr. Right until I was 25 (which is really young, but old by LDS standards!). Up until that time I had been to college, spent a year abroad, and had begun my career. After we married, I continued working until our first child was born. I stayed home for a few years, worked from home a few more, had another child and quit working again for a few years, then started working in a new career at my children's school. I began part time, then went full time. Even though I work, I come and go when my kids do, I have the same holidays they do.

The work has been a blessing (my husband lost his job about a year ago and is back in school) and I'm glad I was ready for it: I had education, skills, and experience. It's one of those lovely symbiotic things; my work experience helped me get the job, and my mothering and church experience help me do the work well.

Aside from the practical work stuff, being a whole and fulfilled person going into marriage makes a world of difference. Get your education, find fulfillment intellectually and spiritually. That's never wasted.

[avatar4321]

This is a controversial topic, allot of people end up getting frustrated with me, but no one is giving me good answers or being understanding.

I have a strong testimony and all but sometimes I really feel like the church is sexist.

It seems like all we ever learn or talk about is just having children, cooking and making quilts.

Does anyone else feel this way?

How is having children and developing skills at home sexist?

Honestly, I wish I knew how to cook.

[Bini]

How is having children and developing skills at home sexist?

Honestly, I wish I knew how to cook.

I'm not male so I can't say that I know what they "DO" and "DON'T DO" in Young Men's. But having been in Young Women's, there is a definite emphasis on marriage, children and homemaking, whereas, I doubt the same emphasis is as strong a point in Young Men's. In that sense, the functionality of YM & YW is sexist. But sexism isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's simply that men and women have their own roles to fulfill. Of course, nowadays, society is high strung on men and women sharing the exact same roles. If they don't—it's violating equality etc etc.

Not sure about other Young Women programs but we rarely, if ever, learned how to actually "cook". Baking brownies and cakes doesn't count either. I think learning home economics should be something covered at home while children are growing up, so when it comes to knowing how to do laundry or cook, they're not completely clueless.

[bl8tant]

I'm not male so I can't say that I know what they "DO" and "DON'T DO" in Young Men's. But having been in Young Women's, there is a definite emphasis on marriage, children and homemaking, whereas, I doubt the same emphasis is as strong a point in Young Men's.

In all the times I've served in YM, I've always made a point to make sure that our YMs know some basic homemaking skills: how to sew buttons and zippers, cook a few simple meals, and do laundry. We owe them that skill set, and not every young man will get it at home-- but they need it before they get out into the mission field.

Lest ye think that I'm sexist, I've also made a point of having combined activities that teach the Laurels how to change tires, check oil and fluids, and jump start cars :)

[Dravin]

Marriage yes but not so much homemaking more so providing. Of course as noted by a couple that is to be expected as the church does not consider the roles of the sexes to be the same. The janitor and the mail room clerk learn different skills as their roles are different.

That said I imagine the young men could benefit from some more cooking skills (if most of my companions on my mission were any indication) and laundry skills and the young women could benefit from some more automotive skills (yes I know, stereotypes). Of course as far as I'm concerned everyone should know how to cook a meal that doesn't come out of a box or to check their car fluids, top them off and to change a tire. Some things are just life skills and have nothing to do with gender roles.

Edit: Looks like Bl8tant beat me to it. Man I'm slow on the draw today.

[pam]

In all the times I've served in YM, I've always made a point to make sure that our YMs know some basic homemaking skills: how to sew buttons and zippers, cook a few simple meals, and do laundry. We owe them that skill set, and not every young man will get it at home-- but they need it before they get out into the mission field.

Lest ye think that I'm sexist, I've also made a point of having combined activities that teach the Laurels how to change tires, check oil and fluids, and jump start cars :)

I think that's awesome. I think both genders need to learn all those skills.

[mightynancy]

Our ward is awesome about equity, LOL. The YM recently had an ironing and sewing activity.

An upcoming YW activity is Car Talk. We also hike, camp (other than girls' camp) and ride bikes. We are learning to cook as well.