Wife has nowhere to run now, but still wants the divorce...

[utahgua]

Hi, maybe some of you have know about my story before, but in short, my wife of almost 16 years had an emotional affair with someone who was sending her emails in an anonymous way. This started last november and she told me and she also thought that it was a friend of us who had moved to another state about 7 months before... I told her I didn't believe it was him... she later confessed that she didn't love me any more and that she had some feelings for this guy. I got upset and we argued... we had some weeks of me leaving, she asking me to leave, coming back... well, at the end, she finally decided we where going to get divorced... one day she left the computer open with a file that seemed like a journal of what she was going thru, in which she described very strong feelings for the guy, like being the love of her life, but she was only writing it for herself or to let him know in the future... it was not a letter for him. I was totally surprised and confronted her... our fights escalated... But then I remembered that at some time I also had my problems with pornography and confessed to her... anyways, this was going on and on... finally I left the house two months ago. I contacted the guy and his wife, like nothing was happening and they reacted the same way... they are just the happy couple I remember... so one day, almost two weeks ago, his wife called me and told me that she found some recent emails sent from my wife to him, telling him about her feelings and requesting and answer as what he planed to do. Asking him also what was his situation with his wife. He responded to the emails letting her know that he never contacted her, that he didn't have any feelings for her and that he never did anything whatsoever for her to have developed feelings for him. he also asked her to please erase any feelings in her heart for him and to turn over to me (her husband) and her family and leave him alone. he also said he will never leave his wife or do anything to destroy his family and she needed to do the same. This was in some emails his wife sent to me. I knew it wasn't him who was writing to my wife from the beginning but she didn't want to believe me, now so many months have passed before this came clear, my wife is very upset, and after she had to apologize to our friend's wife (who used to be her friend) she called me and asked me what we spoke (him, his wife and me) and I told her only the basic... but the guy's wife sent me the emails and I know all now... anyways, I am not mad, I knew already about her feelings, I have always wanted to fix our marriage, but she says that still she wants the divorce and that all men are a waste and even if she will not marry ever again she will not be back with me and divorce is still a MUST and I should not have any hopes to have her back, the feelings for the other guy where not the main reason for her decision according to her. I can tell that she was dreaming about going to this guy some day, she even thought that he was alone... but now, she is to be alone and swallow her feelings, she is taking my 4 kids with her and against every leader and even her relatives advice she is moving on with the divorce. I can not believe it... Is she having a mental problem?, a middle age crisis? or is she just too proud to come back to me... seriously, I have not done anything to deserve this, I have treat her nice and with respect all of our life... some misunderstandings here and there but that's it... now she is going to live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my four children, finishing school (still like 2 1/2 years nursing school) she is working at the DI and her child support is not even 900 a month...

I really don't want this to happen... I miss her, my children, I miss my home... life is not the same without them and I wish there was a way to stop her, but nothing else seems to matter to her but to get rid of me.

What do you people think?

[marshac]

My heart goes out to you and your family over this situation.

A woman I knew got married about 8 years ago, and her father (a pastor) performed the marriage. At the end of the ceremony he handed them two small locks whose claps were locked around each other- each lock symbolizing one another. He told them that as long as neither one chooses to open their lock, the marriage would last forever and hold strong. Unfortunately her husband did open that lock a few years later, and despite her best wishes and efforts to convince him to lock it back up, ultimately it was his decision, and his alone- he left. I think at this point, my only advice would be to continue to be the best possible father you can be, and let your wife work out whatever issues she has going on in her life.

[not_ashamed]

Im curious, how old were you guys when you got married? ohh and yes I do have a reason for asking.

Edited June 7, 2010 by not_ashamed

[utahgua]

23 and 27

[not_ashamed]

let me start by saying I wish you the best of luck with the situation. I'm sure its very hard. The reason I asked how old you guys were is because people grow and change so much over the years especially if they are really young when they get married. Is it at all possible that she is looking for a way out and will use any excuse? maybe she feels trapped and thats not your fault, just how it is. I have no advice, but I think I understand where she is coming from.

[Moksha]

Get a grip and move on with your life. Maintain as good of relationship with the kids as possible, but quit mooning over her.

[Guest mormonmusic]

Unfortunately, if she's made up her mind, there isn't a lot you can do. It takes two willing people to save a marriage.

I suggest getting some counseling on how to deal with this and move on.

I feel your pain in your letter though, and have faith there's a happier situation for you eventually. One always comes if we strive for it....also, pray to God for comfort. He's lifted burdens from my shoulders and flooded me with peace many times when I've been suffering. Seek a priesthood blessing for comfort as well. And learn all you can from what's happened here -- about yourself, your needs, her needs, so you can eventually apply what you learned to this new and better situation you'll eventually find.

Edited June 8, 2010 by mormonmusic

[Guest mirancs8]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I know it feels so difficult right now for you but you have to believe that things will get better for you. Try to just keep a civil relationship with your STBX so that you can continue to have a healthy relationship with your children. No one ever goes into marriage thinking this will be the outcome and I know you must feel so broken right now. I feel for you and what you are going through. I will keep you in my prayers.

[Suzie]

I don't understand. She had feelings for this guy to the point that she wrote to him WITHOUT knowing he was married? And the guy did not even know? Sorry but it sounds very odd (psychologically speaking).

[utahgua]

The person who was writing the emails we don't know who that is. She thought it was this friend of us whom we knew he is married and have children but somehow whe thought that he was alone and getting divorce... I dont know... stupidity.

[Just_A_Guy]

I agree with Moksha and Mormonmusic. Get yourself a good lawyer, and move on.

[baver3]

She is delusional. I think she read these emails from this man, was getting some affection from these leters that she wasnt getting from you. I suppose she conjured up in her mind a 'real' relationship with this person (who she didnt even know who it was). Thats why this whole so called relationship is delusional. It was never even real.

Clearly you had issues in your marriage. I guess this is now HER decision to leave. I wouldnt make it easy on her though. Maybe if you have some kind of separation that is more clear cut she would/could come to her senses.

Have you received any guidance or advice from your Bishop? Im wondering what they would have to say about it.

My husband decided to leave me. I dont think you can really ever know what goes on in your spouses head that decides to leave. But rest assured when everything is settled, there will come a day where they realize all the big fat mistke they have made.

If I were you I would just hang tight and continue to be patient in your affliction. It will pass, its just going to take some time. Your wife has some things to sort out. This sounds like a silly thing to say but you cant take it too personally what she is doing. LIke I said: delusional. And you are right: she has no where to run.

[FunkyTown]

Divorce is never the best option.

However, she's at a point now where anything you say will just drive her further apart.

Be meek. Be merciful. Tell her you understand.

When you tell her you want the kids, continue to be meek. Not weak. Just meek. Be soft in your answers.

She will get angry. She will try to pick a fight. She will know what buttons to push and you will want to fight back.

Don't.

Your kids deserve better than that. If your wife is delusional, they need someone stable now more than ever. If she has good reason to feel the way she does and we on lds.net simply don't have all the facts, then you need to be meek but still strong.

Make sure you've saved those emails from whatsisface and gathered evidence to support your claims.

She is delusional. I think she read these emails from this man, was getting some affection from these leters that she wasnt getting from you. I suppose she conjured up in her mind a 'real' relationship with this person (who she didnt even know who it was). Thats why this whole so called relationship is delusional. It was never even real.

Clearly you had issues in your marriage. I guess this is now HER decision to leave. I wouldnt make it easy on her though. Maybe if you have some kind of separation that is more clear cut she would/could come to her senses.

Have you received any guidance or advice from your Bishop? Im wondering what they would have to say about it.

My husband decided to leave me. I dont think you can really ever know what goes on in your spouses head that decides to leave. But rest assured when everything is settled, there will come a day where they realize all the big fat mistke they have made.

If I were you I would just hang tight and continue to be patient in your affliction. It will pass, its just going to take some time. Your wife has some things to sort out. This sounds like a silly thing to say but you cant take it too personally what she is doing. LIke I said: delusional. And you are right: she has no where to run.

[utahgua]

I am not fighting to keep my kids, in fact I believe she will do better caring for them... of course I will always be there for them and visitation has been agreed... I just got the final paperwork and everything it's fine now (there was a previous draft that we had to make changes on) and I will sign and deliver the papers to her. I don't want to have anything to do with her decision so she can do whatever she wants with the papers. I will sign them a deliver tomorrow. This is now only in our Lord hands and will. He knows what is best for all and in Him I am trusting.

Note to all: I did my wrongs in the past and don't blame her in everything, but I don't think divorce was necessary.

Thank you all!

[baver3]

Note to all: I did my wrongs in the past and don't blame her in everything, but I don't think divorce was necessary.

Thank you all!

You are right.

Its good you are moving on now. I actually find it interesting that you think she will do a better job with them. It makes me wonder if my STBX possibly feels the same way, thats why hes not fightng it. Just an interesting take on that, thats all.

I wonder how your wife is doing.

[utahgua]

hi, the reason I am not fighting the children is because mothers are way better and I believe for nature they are more nurturing and caring about the children. I believe we as men lack many of the qualities that mothers have by nature.

My wife is doing fine... she is still in my house and I think she is still not felling the hardship as I am still supporting her as a wife... she has a debit card that she can use for food, gas or anything else she may need daily, but soon we will have to close this account and she will move on to her apartment. Emotionally I have no idea how is she doing, maybe at the same time I will have to stop loving her as a wife she will have to stop the feelings for the other impossible man. She seems to be ok and confident of what the future will bring her. Hopefully she will realize her mistake, but oh well, you are right; I have to move on.

By the way I don't know what STBX stands for.

[Still_Small_Voice]

By the way I don't know what STBX stands for.

I think it stands for "Soon To Be Ex spouse."

[FunkyTown]

Utah? If your wife is really as delusional as you say, don't you think that it would be better to try to be the primary caregiver?

Wouldn't it be better to have a sane parent raising the children? It will be hard, but if she's as crazy as you're saying, it's the only option. She'll only get worse with no support network.

hi, the reason I am not fighting the children is because mothers are way better and I believe for nature they are more nurturing and caring about the children. I believe we as men lack many of the qualities that mothers have by nature.

My wife is doing fine... she is still in my house and I think she is still not felling the hardship as I am still supporting her as a wife... she has a debit card that she can use for food, gas or anything else she may need daily, but soon we will have to close this account and she will move on to her apartment. Emotionally I have no idea how is she doing, maybe at the same time I will have to stop loving her as a wife she will have to stop the feelings for the other impossible man. She seems to be ok and confident of what the future will bring her. Hopefully she will realize her mistake, but oh well, you are right; I have to move on.

By the way I don't know what STBX stands for.

[utahgua]

Well, I can not tell she is crazy, I never said that, I know she made all this in her mind but that doesn't mean she acts weird or that our children will be in danger by staying with her. She is a good woman. She is a great mother and she is wonderful wife... it is just that she doesn't want to be MY wife any more.

[Suzie]

Utahgua, they seem to be signs for me of psychological stress/issues. She needs to see a psychologist and if I was you, I would not allow her to take the kids. She seems very unpredictable.

[Just_A_Guy]

hi, the reason I am not fighting the children is because mothers are way better and I believe for nature they are more nurturing and caring about the children. I believe we as men lack many of the qualities that mothers have by nature.

My wife is doing fine... she is still in my house and I think she is still not felling the hardship as I am still supporting her as a wife... she has a debit card that she can use for food, gas or anything else she may need daily, but soon we will have to close this account and she will move on to her apartment. Emotionally I have no idea how is she doing, maybe at the same time I will have to stop loving her as a wife she will have to stop the feelings for the other impossible man. She seems to be ok and confident of what the future will bring her. Hopefully she will realize her mistake, but oh well, you are right; I have to move on.

By the way I don't know what STBX stands for.

Utahgua, if you don't already have one, get a lawyer. Now.

I've not yet handled a Utah divorce involving both real property and children, but the rule of thumb I hear from the old-timers is that the kids stay in the house, as long as it isn't going to be sold to pay off marital debt. I may be misreading you here, but it looks like you're planning on keeping your house while your wife and kids go off to an apartment. As a (relatively new) lawyer, my gut response to that is: not bloody likely. (It's possible, I suppose. But don't count on it.)

Again: maybe you're OK with this, but you need to know exactly what you're giving up here before you sign anything.

[MarginOfError]

hi, the reason I am not fighting the children is because mothers are way better and I believe for nature they are more nurturing and caring about the children. I believe we as men lack many of the qualities that mothers have by nature.

My wife is doing fine... she is still in my house and I think she is still not felling the hardship as I am still supporting her as a wife... she has a debit card that she can use for food, gas or anything else she may need daily, but soon we will have to close this account and she will move on to her apartment. Emotionally I have no idea how is she doing, maybe at the same time I will have to stop loving her as a wife she will have to stop the feelings for the other impossible man. She seems to be ok and confident of what the future will bring her. Hopefully she will realize her mistake, but oh well, you are right; I have to move on.

By the way I don't know what STBX stands for.

Pretty much all of the qualities you speak of are anatomical. The rest can be developed, and ought to be developed by everybody. This is a lousy excuse to give up custody, especially if your kids would be better off with you.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I think greater kindness is in order to both Utahgua and his wife. As someone who also experienced a real deficit in my marriage for years (and has since overcome it, thankfully), I know how you can try to fill that gaping void in your life with imagined emotional relatonships with others.

He came here looking for advice, and now he's been put on the defensive about his decision to give up custody of the children. Must be awful trying for someone who's only just learning to cope with a very trying experience.

Edited June 10, 2010 by mormonmusic

[bcguy]

wow, both of you are so young and a whole life a head of you. Sorry to hear what happened. With time, your feelings for her will fade and you now, can find a better quality wife :) Some woman just litterly unravel at the seams and can no long be married and move one..like my mom. Anyway, best of luck. Be friends. Maybe this guy will turn out to be a creep and she will regret divorcing you?

[Guest mirancs8]

hi, the reason I am not fighting the children is because mothers are way better and I believe for nature they are more nurturing and caring about the children. I believe we as men lack many of the qualities that mothers have by nature.

My wife is doing fine... she is still in my house and I think she is still not felling the hardship as I am still supporting her as a wife... she has a debit card that she can use for food, gas or anything else she may need daily, but soon we will have to close this account and she will move on to her apartment. Emotionally I have no idea how is she doing, maybe at the same time I will have to stop loving her as a wife she will have to stop the feelings for the other impossible man. She seems to be ok and confident of what the future will bring her. Hopefully she will realize her mistake, but oh well, you are right; I have to move on.

By the way I don't know what STBX stands for.

You obviously know you wife better than any of us, and if you feel that she is the nurturing mother to your children well that's great. But let me be a bit blunt here not ALL women by nature are more nurturing and caring. It's unfortunately but true. I've met some women who do not have those qualities and the father seems to have more of the children's best interest in mind. I always assumed women all were nurturing but as I had my own children and mingled with other parents I clearly could see a difference in some of these mothers. It shouldn't be about you or her it should be what would be best for the children to have a emotionally stable, nurturing and content childhood.

It will be hard to move on and you will go through many stages on the way. Just remember that you can do it be sure to reach out for help from those close to you. You'll need it at times.