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I am looking for tips on how I can improve upon making friends. I am not all that social and prefer to keep to myself and it seems that is the greatest one-way ticket to nowheresville. I was occasionally attending a YSA ward but nothing really clicked for me since nobody seemed to notice me all that much but I plan on going again to give it another shot.

Probably my biggest problem is crossing path with girls. It seems everytime I do I end up with plenty of problems seeing how I can't even think of one thing to say to her without fear of sounding like a total idiot. I tried dating once but the girl kept blowing me off and I just gave up at that point. Til now I haven't been on a single date ever due to the fear of being crushed by rejection.

My parents say I should still try my hardest even though nothing has improved since then because I just end up prefering talking to people on MSN and Skype because of the lack of being able to judge me.

So I guess I should ask if anyone here has any concrete advice for me because I feel I am in the biggest pickle of my life now

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This might sound harsh so please take no offense..... get off the computer and go out. Go to YSA and "just hang out". By being more social you will become more social. As you get to know more people you will start to be more comfortable and then the "dating" will happen.

Good Luck!!!

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Guest mormonmusic

I struggled with conversation as well when I was a young adult. My mission president put me with talkers on my mission so I could learn to do it better (he actually told me that!) -- so, here is what I did to learn to be a good conversationalist. These are tips I observed from my highly popular and well-liked missionary companions.

1. Make sure you keep eye contact with the person -- don't be looking all around and at things going on around you or people will think you're distracted from talking to them. Nod your head and give non-verbal cues you're listening and connected to what they are saying.

2. Before you go into a social situation, think about some general things that you can talk about with anyone. Try to stick with open questions that don't have a high probability of people saying "No". That just kills the conversation.

For example, if it's the time of year when people are finishing up their college for the year, ask them what their plans are for the summer. I ask people if they have an vacation plans for the summer. Be ready with follow-up questiosn in case they say "No", like asking them about their work (since that's probably why they aren't going on vacation). Or, ask them about a vacation they took in the past. If they have little to share, don't necessarily take it as a put-off -- share something back that it easy for people to ask questions about, or that is interesting....."I'm going for three days to Cuba with some friends."

3. Constantly be on the lookout for things of common interest to everyone, and open conversation with those things. For example, in my part of the world there are often hurricanes. So, when there is the threat of a hurricane coming, I might ask "so, how are you preparing for the hurricane?". Have in you back pocket a number of ways you're getting ready for the hurricane so you can respond to what they say.

4. One companion would share something interesting about his life to open up conversation. "I was driving to school yesterday and a kid appeared from nowhere and threw a rock at my car!!!". Another one would pull out the latest gadget he'd bought (like the latest iGadget) and show people. "Wanna see some cool features about the newsest version of the i[gadget]?

5. Ask questions that people respond to by saying "Yes". Also, smile when you approach people and talk to them. It gets the convo off on the right foot.

6. Have a bunch of "exit clauses" that allow you to bring convos to a soft landing if it starts to dive-bomb. "Well, I'm going to head in there and get a good seat for Sacrament meeting". "I guess I better roll up the windows on my car before it starts to rain...". "They've got Nanaimo bars over at the refreshments table!...". End conversations with a sincere complement about the person or the interaction you just had with them.

7. Deduce what you can about people's life through their appearance or what you know about them. So, if you're at a conference and people had to travel to get there, ask them how the trip was down. As them if this is their first conference. If they say "No' ask what they like about conferences, if they say "yes", talk about how you remember your first conference, hit some highlights or give some useful tips.

The trick is to also be yourself through it all. When people ask you a question, answer honestly how you feel about it so you're being real.

8. Look for people who look lonely, uncomfortable, standing alone, and talk to them. Ask the wall-flowers to dance and try to put them at ease. You'll end up building a whole group of friends that way. There are a ton of people like you out there, find them and talk to them -- and try to make THEM feel at ease....

Edited by mormonmusic
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Guest mormonmusic
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Regarding getting dates. I had a lot of them, some went well, others were terrible.

Here's the formula that worked for me for the really good dates.

1. Look for opportunities where you can interact with a lot of people in a group setting over a few different events. You'll get to know people in a less threatening way, and you might find there are certain people you get along with better. Strive to be friends first -- don't sit back and wait for people to come up to you. Offer someone a soda, ask someone to help you cut the vegetables, or invite someone to do something logically connected to the activity like pack the car with you or something so you're DOING something.

Some may even give you signs that they are friendly to you through this process. This will give you a chance to build a relationship before you ask the person out. It will make them more comfortable.

Signs are varied, but often they walk up to you and start talking to you a lot. Or they start smiling at you whenever you see them. Or they naturally filter over to your team when there's a game being played, or into your group etcetera.

2. Listen hard for the interests of the person in conversation so you know what they like and what they don't like -- this is your inspiration for a possible date. With my wife, she liked theatre, so, the way I asked her was "I'm on the verge of picking up a couple tickets to see Mama Mia down at the Strand next month -- how would you like to see it with me?".

If you know they like cooking, then it's "I'm experimenting with making a traditional japanese meal at home sometime in the next month, how would you like to join me?"

I would always try to leave the exact date of the event wide open so they couldn't use the "I'm not available" excuse with any reasonability. If they say "when", I'd say "I'm wide open for the next four weeks".

If they still come out with an excuse, at least you know they probably arent' interested and not just booked.

And, if they reject you, then have your "soft landing" ready -- some statement that changes the subject and gives you a way to eventually leave the conversation gracefully. "That's to bad -- if you see I've gained weight in the next couple weeks its from all the traditional Japense I've been eating!"....by the way -- great talk in Sacrament meeting last week -- I loved the part about the [insert part you liked].....where did you come across that story?...and then, give your exit clause.

3. Pick a date where you DO something together so you aren't forced into awkward conversation. For me, dinner with someone was the worst, particularly if you didn't know each other very well. You sit across from each other all uncomfortable you're going to get sauce all over your face, fighting for something interesting to say, etcetera.

Better to go out for a paddle-boat ride or play racquetball where the activity enriches the experience and prompts conversation naturally. Dinner and a movie was always for after I got to know the person really well and we just wanted to be together; and the pressure was off in terms of creating the relationship.

Hope this helps.....brings back memories!

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Hello!

I'm a convert so i found it insanely difficult & at times that i did not fit into the YSA. But this is what helped me. PUSH YOURSELF!. Even if it is awkard and you don't want to. Eventually you will ge tto the point where you are more comfortable.

I made it a goal to say hi to atleast five people i didn't know at the corridors at church and at ysa activities. Eventually i got to know people. I still dnt have alot of freinds but the ones i do have are brilliant.

Dating - Ugh such a stigma on that. Start off with making freinds with people first than tackle that as it comes. :)

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I was occasionally attending a YSA ward but nothing really clicked for me since nobody seemed to notice me all that much but I plan on going again to give it another shot.

I also had a difficulty time making friends in a YSA ward.

My advice is to attend the meetings and activities on a regular basis, not just occasionally.

As well, rather than waiting for people to notice you, you can approach people. Members come and go all the time in a YSA ward, so it's kind of exhausting to meet all the new faces- try and initiate a conversation, and so how it goes.

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  • 7 months later...
  • 1 month later...

I know that I sometimes struggle with this too. I've been the "new girl" in so many wards, and for the most part, it has been hard to break into well established clicks or groups. I've found that I am happiest when I try to, though! I usually end up making a group of the people that don't have a group. Look outside of yourself to others in your ward...are there people feeling the same way that you do? Why not try to help them out by becoming their friend?

That's all I've ever been able to do.

:D

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I know this is a majorly late response to this post, but if you are still looking for advice here's my two cents:

I find that when you are happy with yourself the way you are, friendships will form naturally. I am not a social person and honestly detest most social settings. Small talk, especially, is very difficult for me. However, I do everything I can to be active and put myself in settings I will enjoy that will involve other people. For example-

I enjoy playing with children and have a two-year-old of my own, so I like to take him to parks or other places where we can spend time with other kids. I've made a few adult friends through my interaction with their kids. Whenever my ward has activities where childcare is provided, I volunteer to help out with the nursery. This helps me meet other members in the ward who either have kids or may potentially make good babysitters if I need one.

I am also a major outdoors/animal fanatic, so I look for ways I can enjoy that with my son in the company of other people. Going to a zoo, nature center, or other setting where we can enjoy nature around other people. Once a month, I take my son to our local animal shelter and we play with the cats and walk the dogs with the other volunteers.

Also, just enjoy yourself at work and school. Dive into the things you are passionate about and interested in- give everything your best effort- and people will find your enthusiasm infectious. I've made a few friends in my work environment simply by being a good team-player and sharing my interests with others when a conversation permits it.

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  • 1 month later...
  • 9 months later...

Sometimes, it's just hanging out in a public place and meeting friends through friends. And kudos on giving the YSA another shot. Even in the dumbest, worst, lamest, stupidest ones, you can usually find *one* person to talk to with a bit of effort. (Even if that one person is the second councilor.) Learn the intimidating but rewarding art of striking up conversation with total strangers. Choose some hangouts, events and clubs to frequent, whether it's the local record store or a LARPing guild.

When approaching people, failure and awkwardness are definite risks if you're out of practice. Just keep chugging along and you'll get the hang of it. Embrace the awkwardness!

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  • 11 months later...
Guest tammi6523
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Be ready to face difficulties and problems within your relationships as they come up. Letting problems in a relationship fester is a recipe for fueling misunderstanding and anger, which can ultimately lead to a rupture in your relationship. Talk to one another openly about feelings, issues you have, and concerns about things you've heard or being told. Avoid prejudging by gossip but do seek to clear the air when someone you interact with seems to have said or done something that reverberates negatively on you.

Wedding dress selection

Edited by tammi6523
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