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moocow

Past sins, New relationship

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I have sinned in the past with my last boyfriend. Things that I try to forget now and have repented for and such. Now I have this incredible guy. He's exactly what I always wanted in a guy and we've only really just started dating, but things are going really well.

He doesn't know about my past sins, but he told me he broke up with a girl because she had "gotten frisky" with her last boyfriend (not actually had sex, and neither had I) so he couldn't bear the thought of her comparing him with her ex and felt like she was unfaithful to him even when she didn't know him.

He also said he'd rather not know about stuff like that. "Ignorance is bliss". So I feel like crap, obviously. I mean, I totally forgive myself, but I feel like I can NEVER tell him about what stuff I've done in my past now. So when you're married, can you keep a secret like that forever? And does it matter?

The funny thing is that he has way more relaxed boundaries than I do as far as dating. I keep my boundaries super tight now after discovering how quickly one can fall into temptation. But with his past girlfriends, he has had them in his bedroom in his bed to cuddle, and makes out a lot, and doesn't care about curfew (we're at a church school so this is all against the honor code). He just doesn't understand how easily people fall, and the power of the atonement I guess. I mean, I'm actually a really great person. I don't consider myself a slut at all. I just messed up and I totally admit that.

Do you think he would be right to dump me if I would ever tell him that I had some sort of sexual experiences already with someone that's not him? Is that reason to not marry someone over? I really want to marry him because he's seriously amazing. Such a sweet guy. Do you think I can hold that secret for the rest of my life?

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I wouldn't concern myself on it UNTIL your relationship becomes more serious.

You cannot control the actions of what another person might do.

Worry is a tax paid in advance on a situation when it isn't due yet (or something like that).

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It is not your obligation to tell everyone you date your history.

On the other hand if he would dump someone for "getting frisky" before they were with him you don't want to be with him, not because he is wrong for his standard but because you don't meet it.

Think of it this way, what if you dumped your last boyfriend because he had a past issue (lets say he he had a drug problem) and new guy finds out. He himself had a drug problem in the past but decides to hide it for fear of getting dumped. Would that be koser?

I hate to sound harsh but

I really want to marry him because he's seriously amazing.

.

seriously clashes with this

Do you think I can hold that secret for the rest of my life?

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Now I have this incredible guy. He's exactly what I always wanted in a guy...

...

he couldn't bear the thought of her comparing him with her ex and felt like she was unfaithful to him even when she didn't know him.

...

with his past girlfriends, he has had them in his bedroom in his bed to cuddle, and makes out a lot, and doesn't care about curfew (we're at a church school so this is all against the honor code).

This is exactly what you've always wanted in a guy? C'mon MC - you can't overlook the negative and only see the positive - you have to look at the entire package.

Do you think he would be right to dump me if I would ever tell him that I had some sort of sexual experiences already with someone that's not him? Is that reason to not marry someone over?

I think you ought to stop all this "he's an amazing guy" nonsense and actually hold to the wise standards you've set for yourself. As things are now, you're setting yourself up for embarassing sinful experience #2.

LM

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Guest mirancs8

We have all sinned at some point in our lives and though we may be forgiven it doesn't mean it's forgotten. Especially in our own minds. What should concern you is when he says "he broke up with a girl because she had "gotten frisky" with her last boyfriend" and in the next breath he's telling you "that with his past girlfriends, he has had them in his bedroom in his bed to cuddle, and makes out a lot..."

To me this sounds like a guy who wants to sound like he's wound up tight yet when convenient for him he'll push the limits with a girl. He invites a girl onto his bed gets "frisky" with her YET breaks up with a girl for getting "frisky" with a previous guy she was with. There is one word I can think of for a guy like this hypocrite. So it's OK for him to get frisky but boy if you did/do well then hit the road lady. I wouldn't waste another minute on a person like this.

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It sounds like he is keeping a double standard. He expects someone else to behave in a way that he is not willing to hold to. This attitude is not the basis for a lasting relationship. I would get out sooner rather than later.

It has nothing to do with your past, or his past. Rather it has to do with expectations and lifestyles.

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He doesn't know about my past sins, but he told me he broke up with a girl because she had "gotten frisky" with her last boyfriend (not actually had sex, and neither had I) so he couldn't bear the thought of her comparing him with her ex and felt like she was unfaithful to him even when she didn't know him.

I wouldn't want to consider a guy like this for a long term relationship simply because he has a very poor understanding of the Atonement and Christlike attributes.

Also, someone who will sign the honor code and blatantly disregard it isn't someone with full integrity.

EDIT (I know that last sentence sounds harsh, but it should be noted that I mean it towards those who disregard the honor code and proclaim there's nothing wrong with disregarding it, such as your boyfriend who thinks curfew isn't a big deal.)

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I have sinned in the past with my last boyfriend. Things that I try to forget now and have repented for and such. Now I have this incredible guy. He's exactly what I always wanted in a guy and we've only really just started dating, but things are going really well.

He doesn't know about my past sins, but he told me he broke up with a girl because she had "gotten frisky" with her last boyfriend (not actually had sex, and neither had I) so he couldn't bear the thought of her comparing him with her ex and felt like she was unfaithful to him even when she didn't know him.

He also said he'd rather not know about stuff like that. "Ignorance is bliss". So I feel like crap, obviously. I mean, I totally forgive myself, but I feel like I can NEVER tell him about what stuff I've done in my past now. So when you're married, can you keep a secret like that forever? And does it matter?

The funny thing is that he has way more relaxed boundaries than I do as far as dating. I keep my boundaries super tight now after discovering how quickly one can fall into temptation. But with his past girlfriends, he has had them in his bedroom in his bed to cuddle, and makes out a lot, and doesn't care about curfew (we're at a church school so this is all against the honor code). He just doesn't understand how easily people fall, and the power of the atonement I guess. I mean, I'm actually a really great person. I don't consider myself a slut at all. I just messed up and I totally admit that.

Do you think he would be right to dump me if I would ever tell him that I had some sort of sexual experiences already with someone that's not him? Is that reason to not marry someone over? I really want to marry him because he's seriously amazing. Such a sweet guy. Do you think I can hold that secret for the rest of my life?

Did you repent of those misdeeds? Did the Lord forgive you? If both questions have been answered with a "YES" then blanked this from your memory. It is not to be brought at anytime, now, or ever. Move forward with your life...as the Savior told the Prophet Joseph Smith:

Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more. (Revelation for the elders of the Church, Aug. 1, 1831) D&C 58:42

Here some additional thoughts from past prophets:

President Spencer W. Kimball - In connection with repentance, the scriptures use the phrase, "with all his heart" (See D&C 42:25). Obviously this rules out any reservations. Repentance must involve an all-out, total surrender to the program of the Lord. (The Miracle of Forgiveness, p. 203) TLDP:548

Prophet Moroni, son of Mormon - But as oft as they repented and sought forgiveness, with real intent, they were forgiven. (Moroni writes for the benefit of the Lamanites, A.D. 400-421) Moro.6:8

Prophet Mormon - Therefore I say unto you, Go; and whosoever transgresseth against me, him shall ye judge according to the sins which he has committed; and if he confess his sins before thee and me, and repenteth in the sincerity of his heart, him shall ye forgive, and I will forgive him also. (The voice of the Lord to Alma, about 120-100 B.C.) Mosiah 26:29

Edited by Hemidakota

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Did you repent of those misdeeds? Did the Lord forgive you? If both questions have been answered with a "YES" then blanked this from your memory. It is not to be brought at anytime, now, or ever.

I'm not so comfortable with that advice. It is unreasonable to expect it to be completely forgotten. Rather, we should be seeking peace about it, not complete forgetfullness (lest we fall into the same traps).

You will remember a tender story told by President James E. Faust. “As a small boy on the farm … , I remember my grandmother … cooking our delicious meals on a hot woodstove. When the wood box next to the stove became empty, Grandmother would silently pick up the box, go out to refill it from the pile of cedar wood outside, and bring the heavily laden box back into the house.”

President Faust’s voice then filled with emotion as he continued: “I was so insensitive … I sat there and let my beloved grandmother refill the kitchen wood box. I feel ashamed of myself and have regretted my [sin of] omission for all of my life. I hope someday to ask for her forgiveness.”

More than 65 years had passed. If President Faust still remembered and regretted not helping his grandmother after all those years, should we be surprised with some of the things we still remember and regret?

The scriptures do not say that we will forget our forsaken sins in mortality. Rather, they declare that the Lord will forget.

The forsaking of sins implies never returning. Forsaking requires time. To help us, the Lord at times allows the residue of our mistakes to rest in our memory. It is a vital part of our mortal learning.

As we honestly confess our sins, restore what we can to the offended, and forsake our sins by keeping the commandments, we are in the process of receiving forgiveness. With time, we will feel the anguish of our sorrow subside, taking “away the guilt from our hearts” and bringing “peace of conscience.”

Repent … That I May Heal You - Elder Neil L. Andersen

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moocow - I feel for you. This dating stuff is tough!!! But, if there is something that doesn't feel right, keep looking for someone else. Being judgemental of someone that is a virgin, but got a little too frisky once seems a little extreme.

On thing I have learned about relationships and marriage is that the things that concern you when dating have a way of becoming much larger than you would ever expect during marriage. You are wise to be wondering if you would feel comfortable with keeping a secret all of your marriage. That is precisely the forward thinking you need to be engaging in when considering a long-term relationship. But, I would encourage you to broaden the scope. Would it be just about this one issue that you would need to keep a secret? Could you possibly have the type of open and honest relationship with you boyfriend that apparently you are hoping to have? You won't be perfect in your marriage - no one is. It may be nothing so big as fooling around with another person, but will you feel comfortable having to hide and keep secret an impulsive purchase in order to win your husband's affection? That is precisely what you need to figure out - if that is what he expects of a relationship, and if that is something you would be happy with. (keep in mind the advice of John Gray in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus - women often think of a man of what he could become, but quickly find that men rarely change)

I would also echo other's comments that the double standard and lack of regard for rules is disconcerting. Apply the same forward thinking to these situations, and consider how they would play out in a relationship. Can you live with that?

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Now I have this incredible guy. He's exactly what I always wanted in a guy and we've only really just started dating, but things are going really well.

After seeking an answer from the Lord in the Temple, should I serve on a mission, I was given a NO answer. I was completely disappointed, wanted to move on with my conversion of life. But what I failed to learn, it was the ‘WILL’ of the Lord to remain in my occupation for one reason, my location and the woman I will meet one year later, would be the one to be sealed.

I told myself, if I could not serve a full time mission, then I would do what I could to live and preach the gospel of Christ for two years.

During that timeframe, not to deter my commitment of temple marriage, I started dating who I suspect would be an eternal compatible companion. After lengthy daily prayers, I received an answer to my quest to whom to marry but, noting the answer was not clear as noon-day, I would keep dating until the Holy Ghost would tell me if this was the one. Yes! Our naïve culture conditioning and being a convert to the church, we have our preconceive image of what is incredible companion should be. I have laugh now after many years of marriage. When I learned from this experience, do not ask for something if you are not willing to honor the answer given. Well, being a YA pool party one day, a new non-member investigator (came to Hawaii on a holiday) of the church was thrown in the deep part of the pool with her clothes on. I felt terrible on what had happen by a few friends and jumped in to help her struggling to get to the side of the pool. When I touched her and looked into her eyes, I felt a sensation I never experience before that cannot be explained but I knew the feelings of the Holy Ghost confirmed my suspicions afterwards this was the one.

To short the story, I still dated others when she left for home. Hey! It's Hawaii…:P Why? I felt she was complete opposite of me and felt her arrogance and disdain what I believed in. After another year of on and off dating, I felt the promptings of the Spirit again this was her. Now, I tell you, I felt terrible for allowing myself to not honor the previous answer.

The moral of this experience, what we suspect is the Mr. Right or Ms. Right, may not be the one after all. I wish, I was better prepared and spiritual matured before this happened though. She never lets me forget. :D

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I think the past is just that. It's the past and something we can't change. Our past is a part of who we are. If your boyfriend doesn't want to know about it, keep it to yourself. I think knowing about a person's past is important when entering a serious relationship, however I also believe that who the person is at the present is much more important. Knowing a persons past makes understanding who they are much easier.

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There are things in my past my DH doesn't know about me and things I know I don't know about him. I know he had a couple of relationships before he met me. I don't need or want the details of those relationships. Unless something happened that could come back to affect our marriage (like a possible child, a disease, etc.), it doesn't affect us here and now.

Your "incredible guy" sounds a bit insecure. I can understand that as I used to feel that way. I felt like I had to know everything about any past experience the guy I was with had had, so that I would find out by surprise later on. But at the same time, knowing that stuff just put a cloud over my head and it turns out that I was worse off for knowing sometimes (not because the things were particularly bad, but because I was just so insecure that I was constantly comparing myself to the ghosts of girlfriends past).

And I have to agree with other posters in that he really doesn't sound so amazing. It sounds like he wants to hold his girlfriend to a much higher standard than he's willing to follow himself. So far, I'm not hearing anything yet that makes him sound very amazing.

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First of all, I would ignore all the insinuating statements about this guy's character. No one here knows him and no one is in a position to judge him based off a couple of lines you wrote about him. Just abide by your honor code, encourage him to do the same, and MAKE SURE you dont repeat your past mistake.

In regards to whether or not you should tell him about your past? As someone who is married to someone with a rocky past, I would suggest you leave your past to yourself. If he blatantly asks you about your sexual history, I would be both honest with him while also sheltering both of you from details about anything. When/if that question comes up, try just telling him that you have made a mistake which you regret, but have wholly repented and have been forgiven for those mistakes and would rather not relive those mistakes by discussing details. If he ditches you, then you are only saving yourself from later challenges. Its taken a lot of hard work to recognize that my wife's past has no relevance on our marriage.

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If such issues are arising it just indicates a lack of general maturity. Don't worry, you are both young and will have plenty of time to reach the state when forgiveness and acceptance in these matters occurs.

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Thank you all for commenting on my question!

So... you guys surprised me with your negativity about him. I agree that he is wrong to be hipocritical. I mean, he's only 21 and has never had a problem with sexual sin so I don't think he really understands how easy it is to do. So far I've been super good about following rules and stuff. And he believes that I'm a "saint" and he's a "sinner". I guess you don't know him, but he's a really great guy. Gentleman, chivalrous, and very good to women. I don't know if he ever got "frisky" in his bedroom with someone but I refuse to go in his bedroom and he doesn't ever push me.

I think I will maybe tell him about my past very briefly if it gets to the point where we are having one of those serious conversations. And I think he will have to decide if he is really willing to give me up over my past sins which have been forgiven. I hope that my current goodliness and desire to be righteous will prove to him that the atonement is real. You can have peace after sin. And I am not the girl I used to be at all. I dunno, I'm gonna keep dating him, but the day I break the news to him will be hard. Let's hope he doesn't pry for details. They're not pretty. But more importantly, they're no longer important.

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