HELP for a Father Regarding Daughter

[theoriginalavatar]

a little background before the question(s)...

i have two children, one daughter who is 8 and a son who is 6...

i also have a wife who happens to have a terminal illness which makes her a lot like a child in the amount of care she requires (i only tell this part because the advice i seek will make no sense without this information).

my daughter has always been the perfect example of a daddy's girl (or pa, as she likes to call me). she loves her mother, of course, but she is old enough to realize that there is something wrong with her mother. she knows that her mother is different from other mothers and that she isn't able to care for her (my daughter) in the same manner as other mothers do.

this morning, my daughter came to me and said she wanted to ask me a something, but she was afraid that i would get angry. i have ALWAYS been there for my children, and i have always told them that i will help them in any way i can. she question she asked me was this: "is it ok if i love ma more than i love you?"

in the interest of complete honesty, this question had the effect of hurting me deeply. when i asked her (kindly) why she felt this way, she said, "well only because she is sick."

now, this should have had the effect of melting my heart and making me so very proud of my daughter, but, instead, it made me feel hurt. why???

why??

i think the most troubling thing about this whole thing is that it troubled me. what is wrong with me? i love my wife and children more than anything in this world, and i know this is true of most parents, so why should her innocent comment have bothered me the way it did?

i didn't know what to say, and now my daughter is so sad because she things i am upset. what should i have said to her? what can i now say to make things right?

i really need your advice. i have always thought of myself as a good and loving father, but i am deeply troubled by this...especially my reaction to it.

help.

[hordak]

Perhaps her saying she loves mommy more because she is sick "reenforces" the affect terminal illness on the family,. You can really see how your daughter can see whats going on and how it troubles her?

[theoriginalavatar]

Perhaps her saying she loves mommy more because she is sick "reenforces" the affect terminal illness on the family,. You can really see how your daughter can see whats going on and how it troubles her?

that's true i think it does. i think maybe you have touched on something. i have always suspected, though never known, that my wife's illness effects my children in serious ways. i have tried to talk to them on many occasions about it, but they always seem to be ok. maybe that's what's troubling me in part...i can see that she is truly troubled by this in ways i hadn't known.

[Guest mirancs8]

It might have bothered you because in your mind you feel that all your sacrifices have went unnoticed and/or unappreciated. When you heard what she said you would have much rather have heard her say, "is it ok if i love you more than ma?" (or obviously love you both equally)

Look at it this way. I'm sure your daughter is very much in tune with what is going on in your household and the unfortunately illness of your wife. By you taking such good care of her mother she observes you selflessness and compassion. She is simply mimicking the love you show to your wife. She feels very badly that her mother is suffering and that she is different. I'm sure so much of your love and attention goes to your wife so your daughter wants to devote the same amount if not more to her mother as well.

This to me sends the message that you are wonder example to this child of the parts of marriage that demand sacrificing for those we love in their time of need. Be proud... don't let it break your heart. It's all about how you choose to look at it.

[FairChild]

My mother had MS and other severe health problems starting around the time I started Kindegarten. I was the oldest and didn't have any adults that wouldn't, didn't explain things to me.

If you don't mind, I will give you the viewpoint that I see from.

Your daughter doesn't quite understand exactly what is happening. She may feel very responsible and even if she is quite young, may feel as she is a caretaker in the situation. Children feel very responsible and accountable, even if they are very, very young. During divorce, death, fighting, or other adult problems, children do know when something is happening, even if they don't understand what it is. By saying she loved ma more, it could be her way of helping, fixing and holding on to her mom.

Actually, I see that your daughter has a great deal of wisdom and compassion in her. She knows her mom needs extra care and help and she is giving it to her in the best way she knows how. That says many wonderful things about the way she is being parented.

The thing about love that many people don't quite understand is that when you love somebody, if you really love them, you love them all the way. It can't be divided and spread out among different people as if it were a pie. Love is a constantly growing, ever freely given gift joyfully shared with others. Love is more than just a whole, it is a synergy. That means that love has greater value than just the pieces of love put together than what love is in it parts alone. It can't be measured as water or temperature can, however, when one is loved, it is always to the very greatest depth that a person is capable to love. She may be able to understand one parent's directions more easily or find that one parent's personality is more enjoyable to her, or one parent works with her a little better, but she really doesn't love one parent more than another. She loves each parent to her best of ability to love.

As for you and how you are reacting to the situation, I want to talk about that too. You are working so very hard to hold everything together. You have a great deal to grieve. The wife you married and loved has greatly changed from the woman you married. Your marriage has changed. You are becoming more a caretaker and less of a husband as your wife's illness progresses. I wish you could find a support group of others that have walked in and are in your shoes. The people I think that might help you most are the spouses of an Alzhiemer's victims (you might find an online support group).They have had to watch someone they love deteriate and the relationships they once had, changed as yours is now changing.

She isn't able to mother her children the way she wants to. She can't help you parent together the way you both once did. Knowing how much she loves her children and not be able to mother them well must cause you a great deal of pain.

I see a great deal of fear as well. Not knowing what will happen next, knowing that you are always running to fix the next broken thing or to prevent as many problems as possible. I know you don't want your wife to suffer or be in pain, yet at the same time, you are loving her and not wanting to waste a precious instant that you can be with her.

I think if you need to, when everyone is very busy or asleep, take a long hot shower and let any tears that need to come, come. I don't see you as being an uncaring, jealous or a self centered father/man.

I see you as a man that loves his family, greatly value his children, cares about his wife and through it all, you are still a Child of God. Unfortunately, you are still just a man.

I do think it would be wise to take time with your children and gently prepare them for their mother's continued illness and eventual death. I think you have an opportunity to allow your children to better understand how precious and valuable your family really is. It will help them to understand that their mommy is in an earthly body and there will come a time when her body will no longer work and it will leave her. Without her body, ma will not be able to be with her children physically, but all the love, joy, happiness and good memories, all the things that make ma, ma, will still be there. She will always love them and be their mother. You guys will always be a family, no matter what comes, a family that is a forever family. Forever and ever. If you can, have your family (especially your children) involved in making palns for the time when your wife leaves. Making choices now will save much heartache later. There will be comfort in knowing what will happens when ma leaves. It would be good to set up a plan so that if your children need to spend the night at another house, they will probably need to have a comfort bag with clothes and other items are all set up, ready to go if it needs to be used. Allow your children the choices of items and clothes they feel that they would most need. Talk about prayers and things they can do because that will empower them. Talk to your children so they will have knowledge and understanding instead if fear and insecurity.

Please don't be hard on yourself. You are doing the very best that you can. You are doing an amazing and most difficult job. I hope you are doing something each day that strengthens you, helps you as you struggle through this painfilled part of your life.

If you need to talk I am often around. FC

[theoriginalavatar]

My mother had MS and other severe health problems starting around the time I started Kindegarten. I was the oldest and didn't have any adults that wouldn't, didn't explain things to me.

If you don't mind, I will give you the viewpoint that I see from....

thank you fc...i sent you a message.

[theoriginalavatar]

It might have bothered you because in your mind you feel that all your sacrifices have went unnoticed and/or unappreciated.

i think what you say rings true, and i am ashamed because of it. i shouldn't let that bother me.

[theoriginalavatar]

it occurred to me that people on this site probably think i am a very negative, complaining type of person. i can see how that conclusion could be drawn! most of what i have to say seems to anti-bubbly. i never used to be this way. i have to begin to get myself back to the way i used to be. i was always the one who was there for everyone else when they were feeling sad. i want to be that person again.

[Guest mirancs8]

it occurred to me that people on this site probably think i am a very negative, complaining type of person. i can see how that conclusion could be drawn! most of what i have to say seems to anti-bubbly. i never used to be this way. i have to begin to get myself back to the way i used to be. i was always the one who was there for everyone else when they were feeling sad. i want to be that person again.

It's perfectly normal to feel the way you feel. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to have a terminally ill spouse as well as very young children. It's not easy by any measure.

[Elgama]

My illness isn't terminal but it is unpredictable and can be difficult for my children. Because of it they need in many ways to be more responsible and grown up than children of the same age. It hard for them.

I think often it is harder for people around the person sick and in pain than for the person going through it.

[Suzie]

it occurred to me that people on this site probably think i am a very negative, complaining type of person. i can see how that conclusion could be drawn! most of what i have to say seems to anti-bubbly. i never used to be this way. i have to begin to get myself back to the way i used to be. i was always the one who was there for everyone else when they were feeling sad. i want to be that person again.

Not at all! You are going through a LOT! It's normal to feel this way, please do not beat up yourself. I think is wonderful all the things you are doing and I know your kids love you so much for it as well as your wife. You're living under special circumstances and in situations like this one we feel and do things we would not normally do or feel. God bless you and your family!

Suzie

[pam]

I also see it this way. A child doesn't understand that a love for each parent can be different and for different reasons. They see it as a quantitative amount. More or less. The fact that she used more doesn't necessarily mean that. But in her mind it does.

[NeuroTypical]

It's interesting. I have two girls 9 and 6. They both go through periods of loving me more than life itself, and hating me. They switch off between who their favorite parent is depending one their whims and moods. Overall, they probably spend a greater portion of their time loving their mother more than me.

Emotions are what they are. When a kid says they hate or love someone, they really do - for that minute. Then they get distracted by something shiny and it changes. Also, they might say they love their Mom more, but they might mean they feel more anxiousness at the notion of Mom being gone.

One thing to mention about your daughter:

my daughter came to me and said she wanted to ask me a something, but she was afraid that i would get angry.

She knows you better than you know yourself. And her only worry about sharing something important to you, was that it would upset you. That sort of closeness and bond is rarely forged in the absence of a lot of love.

LM

Edited July 10, 2010 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[MormonMama]

it occurred to me that people on this site probably think i am a very negative, complaining type of person. i can see how that conclusion could be drawn! most of what i have to say seems to anti-bubbly. i never used to be this way. i have to begin to get myself back to the way i used to be. i was always the one who was there for everyone else when they were feeling sad. i want to be that person again.

Considering what you are going through, I think you seem to be holding up quite well. I've never thought of you as negative.

I'm so sorry that you and your family have to go through something like this. If you'd like, I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Would you like me to put your names on my local temple prayer roll?

[beefche]

Naw, TOA, you are definitely not negative or a whiner. That role is saved for pammy. She does a superb job at it.

You have my prayers, brother.

[Moksha]

i really need your advice. i have always thought of myself as a good and loving father, but i am deeply troubled by this...especially my reaction to it.

help.

Just let go of it as a hurt. Children can sometimes tell you they hate you and that they love you in the course of an hour.

[mightynancy]

Yep - let it go. When I have feelings I'm not proud of, I am thankful that I can overcome my initial feelings and choose caring actions. Feelings just are - how we act is a truer reflection of our character.

I'll bet your daughter is adding the sympathy and nurture she feels toward her mom to her love for her and calling it all love. You can be very proud of her. :)

[confuzzled]

I was 11 when I almost lost my father in a traumatic accident. Through the grace and will of our Heavenly Father I still have my father but what I witnessed/experienced forever changed me and my family.That changing is exactly what is happening to you and your family.

As far as what to say to your daughter...take her in your arms and hug her and tell her that it is alright to "love mommy more" because her simple action of telling you shows a deep bond of love and trust to you. And that is because of your honesty, devotion and your love to your family.

[pam]

Naw, TOA, you are definitely not negative or a whiner. That role is saved for pammy. She does a superb job at it.

You have my prayers, brother.

I am NOT a whiner. I don't even drink.