Bettering oneself and not repeating error

[Guest mirancs8]

For those of you who are recently separated/divorced, single but have been in committed relationships or those of you who are desperately saving the last threads of your marriage... these questions are for you.

What is the one thing about yourself that you are working on making better? Maybe you need to learn to love yourself again. Or being able to have trust again in a relationship. Do you have a fear of another failure. These are just examples. Why do you feel this is something about yourself that you need to work on making better.

Do you think you are more picky now compared to how you were when you were let's say 20 years old? Maybe picky isn't the best word... let's use more experienced and have a much better idea of what you will or will not put up with in a relationship.

If you were married and now separated/divorced do you enjoy this time alone? Do you feel like you are getting to know your true self again? Finding interests that were deep beneath which are coming back to the surface again.

Do you miss being married? I'm not asking if you miss your ex/stbx-spouse, no I'm asking if you miss being married.

Looking at where you were 6 months to a year ago do you see drastic changes in yourself or subtle changes?

What is the one thing that you did or that happened in your previous relationship/marriage that you will never do again?

What degree of contentment do you feel now compared to 6 months to a year ago with your new life and future?

What is the one thing that you learned about yourself that you didn't know was there? And how has it changed you in your day to day life? (example, you realize that you have a pulse?)

Finally, where do you see yourself 5 years from now? (Life, relationship, career, family, etc)

Looking forward to reading everyone's responses.

[MisterT]

Working to make better? Everything. I was a miserable husband, miserable father, miserable spouse, miserable.. well, just miserable in life.

Getting to know myself? Unfortunately. I find I liked the old me much more. I was much happier when I was able to cling to the youthful image I had of myself; intelligent, talented, handsome. Well, not so handsome, but better than the shaved butt of a moose.

Am I more picky now? No. In fact, I'm much less picky. When I was younger I had more opportunities. I had talent, ambition, drive, exuberance; I was able to cause people to fall lock-step in with whatever idea or plans I had. Of course back then I had more hair on the top of my head, less hair on my face, more chest and less gut, bigger arms than the legs on most horses, a quip for every occasion, and a rather sunny outlook. Back before I was a has been. The only thing I'm even slightly glad about is that I'm a has-been, which is better than a never was. Anyway, seeing as though I'm much less desireable as a partner, I find I must congregate and philosophise with those who are also less desireable. After a certain age, probably about 25, or certain number of children, say 2, you have to be grateful for what you can get; cause there sure isn't much out there for people like that who are any better off themselves. Misery likes company, and so do divorcees apparently.

I've always enjoyed my time alone.. especially when I had people to share my alone time with. When I was younger it didn't bother me any because I had always been that way. A miserable childhood that was so indescribably lonely I won't even try to describe, near complete isolation as a teenager due to parents divorcing, living arraingements, school, having to work just to eat, joining the Army at 17 to get away from where I was and to get opportunity. In the Army I found I didn't like most people and that the barracks were quite probably the seventh circle of hell. Ever wondered what athlete's foot that was so agressive it was crawling up the backs of a guys legs looked (and smelled) like? No? Can't say as I blame you, I never did either. But I got to see (and smell) it while the guy was standing next to be completely naked showering his nasty self off. Ever wonder what it would be like to come back from a deployment and find that while you were gone one of your 31 roommates (or more.. perhaps all) had been having.. company in your rack while you were away.. discovering this by flopping down for the first time in months on something softer than dirt face first, only to find the physical evidence of their recreational activities on your pillow? I never wondered that, but I got to experience that gem as well.

In the Army I found I valued my personal space. Eventually I moved out of the Barracks, and because of my marital status I couldn't get post housing and wasn't allowed to live off post (not to mention not getting BAQ, BAS), I simply moved into "transient housing," essentially a hotel on post that cost $7.00 per night, and you could stay there for up to 1 year at a time.

Getting out of the Army I found I didn't like being alone so much anymore, and eventually got married. Then, true to my old habits, I found I looked for reasons to be alone as much as possible. Perhaps I found marriage to be more interesting as a proposition than I did as a reality, or perhaps I was just overwhelmed. Now that I'm not married any longer, and after 12 years of marriage, that I am desperately lonely again. Only this time I'm not in a financial situation to socialize.

Where was I 6 months to 1 year ago? Seriously considering using one of my dozens of firearms to check out permanently. And when I say seriously, I mean the po-lice banging down my door and dragging me out because someone close to me thought I was going to do what I was thinking about doing, even though I never said anything to anyone. I guess that was the dead giveaway, no pun intended.

What's the one thing from my marriage I'll never do again? I only get to choose one thing? Wow, I've gotta list as long as my arm, and my arm ain't short. I guess the top thing on my list is I'll never take for granted my family again; cause' sure as the sun will rise, doing that again will lead to the same result as last time.

What contentment do I feel now in comparison to the last year? None, really. I'm in just as bad of a financial situation, I'm just as alone, medications essentially forced on me by well-meaning doctors and church leaders leave me weak, tired, ill, and listless; so even if I had gainful employment I'd probably get fired for being incapable of achieving the level of activity that's generally expected of a Master Tradesman. I'm slighty more familiar and in slighly more regular contact with my birth family, but when I say slightly, I mean one or two contacts every few months instead of one or two a year.

The one thing I learned about myself I didn't know was there? That I essentially lack the little light behind the eye thats supposed to flash when you start to do stupidly self-destructive activities; instead I have a little voice that says "Hey, Ryan, you should really try that.. Yeah, it looks dangerous and probably impossible, but that's just because you haven't tried it yet." In other words, I have the instinct for self-preservation the way a Lemming does.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? Besides being De General, De President, De King of the Sea.. The most amazing man there ever be? Oh, sorry, I was remembering a parody song I heard as a child about Idi Amin. I just hope not to feel the way I do right now. Which is one can short of a 12 pack (of coke). one (candy) cigarette short of a carton, one family short of happiness.

[/self-loathing off]

Edi Amin parody song (for those of you not interested enough to google it for yourself)

[seeking_peace]

My husband moved out last July after 22 years of marriage and I have been divorced since mid-December.

I honestly don’t think that the experience has spurred me in to working on any specific self improvement. Sometimes, I do wonder if there is something so wrong with me that I am unlovable, but then I remember of all the times that I have felt the Savior’s love through this ordeal and I know that He is there for me and taking care of me and my child. This experience has brought me closer to the Lord. I’ve seen His hand in many situations.

I don’t think that I fear another failed relationship… but I don’t feel the need to rush into one either. I’m very content with the status quo. So I guess that answers the question “Do I enjoy this time alone?” Yes, very much. (I’m not completely alone, I have full custody of my son, and my feelings might change once he leaves for college next year). But, yes, it’s nice to make decisions without having to take another person’s thoughts and feelings into consideration, or to debate the pros and cons, or even to put off the decision until someone else has an opinion.

I think that after that much time with someone else, it takes a while to discover who you are as an individual (and not part of a couple), to re-discover your own likes and tastes, and find your “true self.” That may be another part of why I’m not in a hurry to jump into another relationship.

Even though I am content to be alone, I do miss many aspects of marriage (I even miss many qualities of my ex). I miss the comfort of having someone take me in his arms. I miss adult conversations. I miss having someone to tell about my day. I miss cuddling in front of the TV. I miss sex. I miss laughing at inside jokes. When my grandmother died last Spring, I missed having someone there to hold me and comfort me and remind me that she was in a better place. Talking to my brothers and my parents on the phone wasn’t the same as having someone be there.

Unlike Mr. T, I do feel like I’m pickier than I was in my twenties—even knowing that the dating pool is much smaller, I have a longer list of what I do and don’t want in a companion. And (I think that this is really important) I intend to date every potential spouse for a much longer time than I dated my husband. I want to make sure that we’ve had time to see all sides of each other’s personality. That the qualities that we hide from casual acquaintances have time to surface. I want to know someone long enough to discover any and all addictions, depressions, illnesses, or self doubts. I want to discover them and make an informed decision about whether I want to live with them for the rest of my life.

The other thing that I would do differently is that I will expect more from a future husband than I did from my former husband. In an effort to not be a “nagging wife” I allowed him to do, or not do, pretty much what he wanted. I didn’t ask him to help around the house. I didn’t insist that he join us in activities if he didn’t want to. I didn’t push him to find a better job. The result of doing everything on my own was that I felt resentment and he began to feel unnecessary (and eventually looked elsewhere for validation).

I think that I am much stronger than I was a year ago. That’s the one thing that I have learned about myself. That I am strong and, with the help of the Lord, I can handle anything that comes my way. I’m constantly being told that I look happier than when I was married. I don’t think that I was an unhappy person before, but I think that the peace that I have found (yeah, I should probably change my login name to found_peace) and my self assurance are shining through.

I honestly don’t know where I will be 5 years from now. I would like to be in a relationship, but I realize that the odds are against me. I guess the one thing that I hope for is continued contentment.

[PV2004]

Interest question and a good one. My x-wife left the first weekend of April and our divorce was finalized mid June. Pretty quick I think, but when we agreed on everything it made things go quicker. I didn't feel like arguing with her about things so we were pretty agreeable.

What is the one thing about yourself that you are working on making better? Become more outgoing and pro-active. I am somewhat already outgoing and pro-active, but I would like to become even more so. The other things I will need to work on is trusting other people are being real with me and not telling me what I want to hear. I trust other people, the issue is more of believing someone who I am close with is being real with me. My x-wife was clinically diagnosed with "not knowing who she really was and what she really wanted out of life and was a people pleaser". Straight from the behavioral specialist's mouth. She told me what I wanted to hear and showed me what I wanted to see rather than who she really was (which she didn't know). Therefore I have this issue with women just being real with me and not pretending to be something they are not.

Do you think you are more picky now compared to how you were when you were let's say 20 years old? I would use the wording "more refined" rather than "picky". Yes I am more refined in what I want than when I was in my 20s. Before I just wanted someone who was active in the church. Now I want someone who is active and firm in the gospel but spiritually mature as well. I also want someone who knows who the are and what they want in life. I have realized marriage is such a huge and important commitment and wonder how can anyone make such a commitment to marriage when that person is still trying to figure out who they are and what they want. It is like trying to commit to playing football for the rest of you life, but still wondering "Maybe I would like to do piano, or play soccor, and so on."

If you were married and now separated/divorced do you enjoy this time alone? Do you feel like you are getting to know your true self again? I don't have much time alone because I have custody of my two little girls. I am sure some of you know how that is. But in the sense that I am not in a relationship, yes it is nice to be alone at this time and I do feel like I am getting to knwo my true self again.

Do you miss being married? I'm not asking if you miss your ex/stbx-spouse, no I'm asking if you miss being married. Yes I miss having someone else around. Someone to have fun with, with share ideas with, and like seeking_peace said, the sex.

Looking at where you were 6 months to a year ago do you see drastic changes in yourself or subtle changes? No drastic changes, but more subtle ones. I am more relaxed now and more outgoing than before. I seem to have less stress. I also seem closer to my Heavenly Father now that before. I think the big thing for me was (regarding changing) when I heard from two people that they thought I was back to my old self again. They said I was back to the more relaxed, outgoing, friendly guy I used to be before things went wrong. They said this was good thing.

What is the one thing that you did or that happened in your previous relationship/marriage that you will never do again? Assuming this means in a future relationship, for me this comes down to the type of person I am in that relationship with. I feel I tried as best I could. I admit I wasn't perfect. I said things at the wrong time, should have been more patient in others, and been more compassionate still in other times. I think the big issue fo r me was that I was a little too honest with someone (my ex wife) who was very insecure and couldn't take such honesty. I will probably be more careful of that in the future.

What degree of contentment do you feel now compared to 6 months to a year ago with your new life and future? I am pretty optimistic. I been comforted more than once by the Holy Ghost that things are going to be OK and so I don't worry about the future too much.

What is the one thing that you learned about yourself that you didn't know was there? And how has it changed you in your day to day life? I think the big thing I learned (not necessarally about myself) is that forgiveness is a choice. This has helped me to let go of my resentment towards my ex wife.

Finally, where do you see yourself 5 years from now? (Life, relationship, career, family, etc) Not sure, but I am optimistic. I personally hope I am married in 5 years, but only time will tell that.

To the OP, you asked some good questions, however I am interest to see what your responses are to your own questions. Obviously you must have thought about the answers to these questions if you are asking them.

[Guest mirancs8]

To the OP, you asked some good questions, however I am interest to see what your responses are to your own questions. Obviously you must have thought about the answers to these questions if you are asking them.

He he he... I actually did plan on answering these questions but have been so darn busy I can seem to invest the time into doing so. I will though! I am really enjoying reading everyone's responses!!

[JudoMinja]

What is the one thing about yourself that you are working on making better? Maybe you need to learn to love yourself again. Or being able to have trust again in a relationship. Do you have a fear of another failure. These are just examples. Why do you feel this is something about yourself that you need to work on making better.

While I am really working on many things, my past relationship helped me determine my priorities and filled me with a renewed passion for the gospel. The most important thing I am working on is my relationship with the Savior. Mainly, for me, this involves finding faith and confidence in myself and my ability to be the person I've always dreamed of being, the person I know the Lord would want me to be.

Do you think you are more picky now compared to how you were when you were let's say 20 years old? Maybe picky isn't the best word... let's use more experienced and have a much better idea of what you will or will not put up with in a relationship.

Actually, my preferences are about the same. I just understand them better. I always knew I wanted to find someone strong in the gospel, who shared interests with me, someone I could connect with, have fun with, and trust to be a strong spiritual leader. I never considered myself picky- at least not in the sense that I cared about any trivial or material things. It doesn't matter to me what the guy looks like, his career, etc. All that matters is his inner strength of character. His integrity, honesty, sincerity, and passion for his beliefs.

If you were married and now separated/divorced do you enjoy this time alone? Do you feel like you are getting to know your true self again? Finding interests that were deep beneath which are coming back to the surface again.

Very much so. I have always been introverted and enjoyed my time alone. Now, I appreciate it far more than I did before. I am really soul searching and career searching like never before. I am recapturing those things I found to be fun and enjoyable and determining whether they are worth my time, whether they were good pursuits or should be cast aside. Essentially, I am a new person- a person I am learning all about intensely.

Do you miss being married? I'm not asking if you miss your ex/stbx-spouse, no I'm asking if you miss being married.

Yes and no. I miss my "dream" of marriage. I miss my fantasy. I do not miss the actuality of marriage. Even if my marriage had been healthy- I don't think I would miss it. I have come to realize that I am very much a loner, and it is going to be difficult for me to settle back into a marriage again. As such, I'm going to have to find a guy I feel REALLY comfortable with.

Looking at where you were 6 months to a year ago do you see drastic changes in yourself or subtle changes?

Definitely drastic. The person I was 6 months ago was a broken person. I was not the same, even as I was before my marriage. And I am a completely different person from both those times, now. I used to be innocent, care free, naive. Then, I was harshly educated and turned into a... well, the best way I can think of to describe it is I was like a harshly trained abused dog. And now, I am educated, wiser (though I wouldn't call myself wise), careful, and passionate about living righteously.

What is the one thing that you did or that happened in your previous relationship/marriage that you will never do again?

I will not cow under the sway and opinions of another. I will not allow my judgement to be clouded by infatuation. I will not allow myself to be convinced that I know nothing and should rely solely on the knowledge and judgement of my spouse. I will not submit. Marriage is about equality, under God. I am not second to my husband- I am his partner. Should he act contrary to what I know to be right, I will stand with God and not sway under his hand.

What degree of contentment do you feel now compared to 6 months to a year ago with your new life and future?

I have my moments where I am fearful, as I am still in transition and putting things in place to truly have control of my life again. But, I am much more at peace with the direction I am going than I was last year.

What is the one thing that you learned about yourself that you didn't know was there? And how has it changed you in your day to day life? (example, you realize that you have a pulse?)

I learned of my weaknesses, my fears, and my addictive tendancies. Before, I had never really, truly experienced weakness, suffering, sin, indulgance, or a lack in basic needs. I experienced these, and I caved. Fear ruled me, and I could not let go of my addictions to affection, attention, acknowledgment. I know now where I am weak, and I have built up strong defenses. I know now I am more likely to cave in the face of fear than tackle it- and I am building in myself the faith and strength to overcome this weakness.

Finally, where do you see yourself 5 years from now? (Life, relationship, career, family, etc)

Five years from now, my son will be in first grade. I will be one of five things career wise- a teacher, a day care provider, a counselor, an animal caretaker, or a fish and wildlife worker. I will be continuing my schooling online, seeking other degrees in other areas of interest (English, psychology, criminal justice, a masters in environmental science). I may or may not be in a relationship. If married, I will still be working (even if I am pregnant I'll do in-home child care). I'll likely be living near one of the national parks. And I will, of course, be active in the church and whatever calling the Lord has given me.

[danaalex]

What is the one thing about yourself that you are working on making better? Maybe you need to learn to love yourself again. Or being able to have trust again in a relationship. Do you have a fear of another failure. These are just examples. Why do you feel this is something about yourself that you need to work on making better.

my marriage ended over a year ago. i mean it's been dying a slow death for about 8 yrs now, but it really did die in 2009. since then i have been constantly looking at myself and seeing what i can change and improve. unfortunately i also learned that i became the person i was because of years of abuse, not only spousal but also from family members. it was also there, i just never wanted to see it for what it was. having come face to face with the abuse and the affects it has had on me, actually gives me goals for self improvement. for awhile it was simply to stop telling myself that " i suck as a human being." in the beginning it was also getting up the courage to look someone in the eye, smile or say hello. tiny things but very big and very hard for me. in the past 18 mo, i have grown and changed a lot. NOW, my self esteem is much better. but my self worth still needs work. and it really is amazing how Heavenly Father works with us on these things. last week i went to RS temple night. i had taken a hard fall and thought my wrist was broken. so, i wanted to go to the temple to ask for healing and also, because i needed to really work on this whole self worth thing. i feel that i do the most growing in the weeks/ month after a trip to the temple. and now a week later it's amazing how much has changed. HF gives exactly what we need when we need it. so, i will continue to progress and learn and grow, and change and improve. we all can :-) lol

Do you think you are more picky now compared to how you were when you were let's say 20 years old? Maybe picky isn't the best word... let's use more experienced and have a much better idea of what you will or will not put up with in a relationship.

i thought that part of my loneliness and anxiety issues were related to being alone and being lonely. it never dawned on me that i could be feeling those feelings for any other reason. however, it felt like the more i tried to connect with people, especially of the opposite sex, the more anxious and lonely i felt. it was weird. i had this hole, and it seemed to get bigger and deeper the more i thought about trying to fill it. so, one of the answers i received after my trip to the temple was " to stop talking to anyone of the opposite sex." and i did. for one whole week i didn't talk to anyone that male. and by saturday ( so tues to sat) i felt like an entirely new person. and that hole that had been getting bigger and bigger, was suddenly GONE!!!! not there at all. and all of the anxiety attacks i was having, stopped completely. so, i'm basically not looking for or interested in anyone at all. i'm focusing myself on my kids, their schooling, and my volunteer work with deployed military personnel. and i feel better than i have in a VERY long time!

If you were married and now separated/divorced do you enjoy this time alone? Do you feel like you are getting to know your true self again? Finding interests that were deep beneath which are coming back to the surface again.

definitely. i wasn't allowed interests or hobbies that were my own before. i enjoyed things like knitting and i wasn't allowed to knit because he didn't like it. or if i got caught up in a good book he'd make me stop reading. if i wasn't at the gym, my activity wasn't worth the amount of time i was spending on it. so, now, i get to do what i want when i want. no judgements at all. unfortunately he uses my kids, so they keep tabs on my activities for him and then tell me that i'm spending too much time doing this that and the other........ that part is annoying.

Do you miss being married? I'm not asking if you miss your ex/stbx-spouse, no I'm asking if you miss being married.

i really did think i missed being in a relationship/ marriage. and i suppose on some level i do. but, my marriage was very very bad, from the beginning. so, i am not even sure what i would say i miss about it. we didn't talk, we didn't spend time together, he wasn't a member or even believe in God. he didn't spend time with us as a family. he wasn't very nice to me, didn't really like me or enjoy my company. i was ignored pretty much the past 5 yrs. i didn't challenge him enough, i wasn't exciting enough in bed, etc. so, i cant' think of anything i miss really.

Looking at where you were 6 months to a year ago do you see drastic changes in yourself or subtle changes?

oh my changes are HUGE and visible to just about everyone. they aren't all GREAT changes but you can definitely see them all!! i'll never forget the week after he moved out, my oldest daughter said to me " mommy you look happy today. you are smiling." even something like that, i had pretty much stopped smiliing. i would be out in public and people were always telling me to smile. i just didn't know how to. almost everyone tells me that the difference between now and a year ago are visible and palpable in me. though there are things like not eatting, that are also visible and not really good. but, it's just how i have to deal with some of this i guess..........

What is the one thing that you did or that happened in your previous relationship/marriage that you will never do again?

i will never ever ever get involved with anyone that makes me think of my mother. someone that doesn't accept me for who i am, someone that believes that mistreating me is OK, or their right or in my best interest. once the controlling or judgemental behavior shows up, is my cue to TAKE OFF!!!!!!

What degree of contentment do you feel now compared to 6 months to a year ago with your new life and future?

as of this past week, i feel more content with my life than i have in a very long time. realizing that trying to fill a hole was making it worse was the best thing that could happen to me. i am very happy now. i look forward to my future!!! and i can't wait to see what Heavenly Father has in store for me ;-)

What is the one thing that you learned about yourself that you didn't know was there? And how has it changed you in your day to day life? (example, you realize that you have a pulse?)

i have realized that i am a lot smarter and more patient than i ever realized before. it affects my day to day life because a lot of my current situation really is a waiting game, and a head game for that matter. i married the master game player, and i have to be patient and on the top of my game to get through this with him. we have kids, so we will be in each others lives for a looooonnnnggg time!

[Melissa569]

What is the one thing about yourself that you are working on making better? Maybe you need to learn to love yourself again. Or being able to have trust again in a relationship. Do you have a fear of another failure. These are just examples. Why do you feel this is something about yourself that you need to work on making better.

I'm still married but its pretty rocky. My problem USED to be insecurity. My current husband was my first "real" relationship (real meaning not long-distance via letter, or online), and I was always really shy. Kind of insecure about looks and all, never thought I was very pretty. Stupidly I suppose, I always figured that when two people were in love, they BOTH wanted to spend every single waking moment together. Get closer and closer. Talk about everything. Connect and communicate on a deep level. But no, not in my case. I was the only one who wanted to do any of that... He would rather get a root canal than devote quality time to "us". We fought day and night our first year, because the relationship just wasn't even 1/10 as blissful or satisfying as I always dreamed a relationship was going to be. Sure I knew there would be arguments, but I also assumed we would be CLOSE, or at least have some common interests.

I blamed him for all the misery. He was the one who would take me out on a dinner date, and spend the entire evening yapping on his cell phone to some buddy, or to a waiter, or the people in the next booth, and pretend I wasn't even there. Its been 6 years, and he's never given me ONE birthday gift, anniversary gift, or Christmas gift. He always ditched me on all those holidays too- to go be with his friends, or to gamble. Still does. Never walks next to me or holds my hand-- he always walks 10 feet out ahead of me. Never holds doors for me, just walks in like he owns the place and lets the door swing back in my face.

Anyway, I assumed there must be something wrong with me. Maybe I wasn't pretty, or lovable, or desireable. I was totally convinced that he was cheating on me, and accused him of it constantly. Because I couldn't fathom the idea of anybody acting the way he does, when they're NOT cheating. But it turns out I was wrong. He's not cheating. And there's nothing wrong with me!! He's just got the biggest case of adult ADD I've ever seen. We never had kids, because... Well, he does NOT want kids at all, and I feel like dealing with him is like raising 10 kids already!! lol. He's quite immature and can't participate in "grown-up" things like a romantic date or situation (or intimacy), without getting distracted by something else and dancing off into another demension like a 2-year-old. He's not inconsiderate because he's a jerk, he's inconsiderate because he's just too hyper in the brain and can't slow down enough to really think about anyone else. Plus he's a foreigner, and his cutlure never made a big deal out of "holiday gifts" or the art of romance. So I guess he just doesn't understand why we Americans are so big on it. Fundamentally, he has a good heart. But I have to decide weather or not I wanna put up with all this for the rest of my life... And I really don't think I can. He may not mean anything by it-- but it hurts. Bad.

Do you think you are more picky now compared to how you were when you were let's say 20 years old? Maybe picky isn't the best word... let's use more experienced and have a much better idea of what you will or will not put up with in a relationship.

Picky and particular. Maybe even too particular for my own good.

If you were married and now separated/divorced do you enjoy this time alone? Do you feel like you are getting to know your true self again? Finding interests that were deep beneath which are coming back to the surface again.

N/A. But if we were separated, I'm not sure how I would feel. I would feel really guilty, knowing that he is a good man, and he really can't help being the way he is. He still deserves to be loved, I suppose. But the only person who could ever be happy with him is someone who is exactly like him, and therefore doesn't mind all his faults. I'm not that person. I would leave just because I flat-out can't handle a marriage where I feel like the only adult. Where all the key elements are missing (no kids, no romance, no intimacy, no closeness or real companionship), and those things always will be missing. So in that case, what's the point in being with someone? And Once I got that through my head, I guess I would feel quite happy and free.

Do you miss being married? I'm not asking if you miss your ex/stbx-spouse, no I'm asking if you miss being married.

If I were divorced, I woudl miss both being married, AND him. But I would try to move on, and enjoy the fact that I'm now free to search for someone who's more on my level.

Looking at where you were 6 months to a year ago do you see drastic changes in yourself or subtle changes?

Drastic. Every year that goes by, I learn more about how unfair love can be. Although I hope that one day, something will happen to make me see it in a better light.

What is the one thing that you did or that happened in your previous relationship/marriage that you will never do again?

Assuming we did split up? Ummmmmm.... Witht he next person, I wouldn't jump in so darn fast. I would want to get to know him for a good YEAR or so (living in separate homes), and keep a respectable emotional distance (meaning just be friends and don't "fall in love"), until I know him well enough to know if I wanna take it further. Compared to what I know about my husband now-- Heck, I didn't know ANYTHING about him those first few months we dated.

What degree of contentment do you feel now compared to 6 months to a year ago with your new life and future?

N/A

What is the one thing that you learned about yourself that you didn't know was there? And how has it changed you in your day to day life? (example, you realize that you have a pulse?)

Well, this isn't so much something about me, but... I learned that love IS NOT a darn fairytale. I'm not being negative, I'm just being realistic. Its not gonna be what you expect, not by a long shot. At least not the first relationship-- sometimes we do find what we're looking for after a big break-up and all the potential partners have matured, because they've been smacked in the face by life a few times. As for what I've learned about ME-- I deffinitely don't want a naive guy, or a virgin-- NO WAY!! No offense, but I like to look up to my man, in several aspects. Besides, I've had quite enough of feeling like I'm paired up with someone who is a child at best, in comparison to me. Bleh!!! lol.

Finally, where do you see yourself 5 years from now? (Life, relationship, career, family, etc)

Hopefully done with college (or career school), and either happily single, or happily married to THE RIGHT man (emphasis on the word "man"-- not boy, or guy).

Edited August 15, 2010 by Melissa569

[Desileigh]

What is the one thing about yourself that you are working on making better? Maybe you need to learn to love yourself again. Or being able to have trust again in a relationship. Do you have a fear of another failure. These are just examples. Why do you feel this is something about yourself that you need to work on making better.

Since separating I look back at how i was and see a million mistakes, or things I could have done differently. I think maybe if I had ______ he wouldn't have left. Right now I'm just trying to find some happiness within myself.

Do you think you are more picky now compared to how you were when you were let's say 20 years old? Maybe picky isn't the best word... let's use more experienced and have a much better idea of what you will or will not put up with in a relationship.

I think there are some things that i put up with that I wouldn't want to deal with again. Before I did all the cooking/cleaning/paperwork ect. Basically everything except work his job. (Which he did do well to support his family) But I would like someone who would be willing to help if needed, and not make me feel like a failure cause I just can't do it all.

If you were married and now separated/divorced do you enjoy this time alone? Do you feel like you are getting to know your true self again? Finding interests that were deep beneath which are coming back to the surface again.

At this point I am so tired of being alone, I have had enough alone time.

Do you miss being married? I'm not asking if you miss your ex/stbx-spouse, no I'm asking if you miss being married.

HELL YES, I loved being married. Maybe I was blind, but I truly did love being married, and just having that one other person.

Looking at where you were 6 months to a year ago do you see drastic changes in yourself or subtle changes?

I feel stuck in so many ways...

What degree of contentment do you feel now compared to 6 months to a year ago with your new life and future?

Its slowly getting better

What is the one thing that you learned about yourself that you didn't know was there? And how has it changed you in your day to day life? (example, you realize that you have a pulse?)

No matter how your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.

Finally, where do you see yourself 5 years from now? (Life, relationship, career, family, etc)

Hopefully teaching since I finished my degree, as for the rest of it, who knows.

[Guest mirancs8]

So I feel like I'm ready to answer these questions.

What is the one thing about yourself that you are working on making better? Maybe you need to learn to love yourself again. Or being able to have trust again in a relationship. Do you have a fear of another failure. These are just examples. Why do you feel this is something about yourself that you need to work on making better.

The one thing that I have been working on for some time now is my sarcasm. I became very sarcastic throughout my marriage and after much reflecting have come to realize it was my way of protecting myself from emotional hurt. I didn't know any other way to deal with the pain so I used sarcasm as a defensive mechanism. You hit me, I'll hit you back twice as hard.

Unfortunately my sarcasm filtered out to those I love dearly like family and dear friends. Unbeknownst to me I was hurting those closest to me with my sharp and hurtful sarcasm. I had to take a hard look at myself and work on being the person I was and that was a person who was sincere and genuine in her responses who didn't feel like any statement from someone was an attack. It hasn't been easy but I have made great waves of progress in this past year on curtailing the sarcasm. I know I have made much progress by the feedback I get from loved ones.

Do you think you are more picky now compared to how you were when you were let's say 20 years old? Maybe picky isn't the best word... let's use more experienced and have a much better idea of what you will or will not put up with in a relationship.

Yes, I do think I am much more experience in a broad range of areas in relationships/marriage. With age I've become not only more experienced but wiser in my decisions. I have come to realize that with faithfulness, patients, consistency, and humbleness I will be able to make more choice decisions regarding my next relationship. It's not that I have some list, no, what I have is a greater depth of understand that there are things I am willing to work with and there are things I am not. The things I am not willing to tolerate are few BUT very serious and important issues to me.

If you were married and now separated/divorced do you enjoy this time alone? Do you feel like you are getting to know your true self again? Finding interests that were deep beneath which are coming back to the surface again.

Yes, I have enjoyed this past year being alone. Feeling a greater sense of independence and having been able to get in touch with my real self. Sometimes I don't enjoy very much getting in touch with my real self... it's just to eye opening for one person to handle lol. I definitely have gotten to know my true self again. My eyes have opened to great possibilities for my life and to know that I have a chance to make things right in my life. Getting to know myself has been the best experience but at the same time this most painful. Having to admit to your own faults and facing the truth of your contribution to the demise of your failed marriage. Though one may have contributed far more then the other I do believe we each have a part in the failing of our relationships to some degree. Living your life with the reality looming over you that you are no longer married. At some point the reality hits.

I have found that those interests which I had before I got married are resurfacing themselves. It has been thrilling for me to feel inspired to write again. As I was going through an old box of files I came across the book I was writing... my last entry was in late 1997. I cried thinking all those years I use to write and how for so long I never went back to it. There are days I am inspired to write poetry. As I was going through my boxes I recalled having many notebooks of poetry over my lifetime. I could not find them and that is when I remembered that at one of the worst points in my marriage that I threw them all away. The reminder of what joy they brought me caused me to much pain. There was pain because I never thought I would feel that inspiration again. I still cry when I think about how many years that inspirations to write vanished from me. A passion that I had most my life gone. But now it's back and it feels amazing!

Do you miss being married? I'm not asking if you miss your ex/stbx-spouse, no I'm asking if you miss being married.

Yes, I do miss being married. Defiantly do not miss my ex but I do miss being married. I love being married I just wasn't married to the right man. I have been given a second chance and this time to have the eternal perspective on marriage has made me approach it differently. If it is in HF plan for me to have an eternal partner I will look at that potential partner with the eternities in mind. Not just let's get married but do we sync spirituality, communicatively, and intellectually. Though I had a horrible marriage and an even more horrible divorce I still believe in marriage. It has not tainted my views on eternal love and marriage.

Looking at where you were 6 months to a year ago do you see drastic changes in yourself or subtle changes?

The first few months of this year I didn't see drastic changes but around June I did. My perspective on life changed. Being able to look deeper into myself and being honest to myself helped me make those drastic changes. I know who I am. I know what I want. I am who I am. I searched to seek what I needed and came to find it boldly standing before me... it was TRUTH.

What is the one thing that you did or that happened in your previous relationship/marriage that you will never do again?

A few years into the marriage I would hold back and bite my tongue to avoid discussions turning into arguments. For the first few years of marriage I did confront issues (maybe a bit to much). As I discovered how very dysfunctional he was in this area I began to bite my tongue and avoid confrontation just to avoid yet another discussion that turned into an all out fight. You couldn't sit down and just talk. Everything spiraled and eventually it was an argument and I was the topic of conversation. I think by biting my tongue and not speaking up I encouraged that behavior to get worse in him. He knew I wouldn't argue and would just cave to avoid a fight. He took advantage of my weakness.

What degree of contentment do you feel now compared to 6 months to a year ago with your new life and future?

Since June of this year I have felt a huge amount of contentment. I feel so in tune with who I am and love the person I am. I don't remember being this happy in years. Now I do have my down times but they are few and far between. As time passes those bad days become less and the good days turn into great days. I am really loving the life that I have and am greatly blessed with supportive people who love me around me.

What is the one thing that you learned about yourself that you didn't know was there? And how has it changed you in your day to day life? (example, you realize that you have a pulse?)

I learned that I'm a likable person. For so many years during my marriage I was very anti social. so much so when people would come over for dinner I would go upstairs for 15-30 minutes to get away from people. He would just yap away and always would give me the 3rd degree about not wanting to be around his family. In fact it wasn't his family as much as it was him. I've learned to get in touch with the person that I was before I was married. That person was someone who had a love for life, was sociable, and always made time for others to lend an ear. I learned in fact that I can be a part of that foundation in my marriage, and I don't have to shut out my true self. I can be the best friend, the lover, and the partner in a marriage. I learned that I will only marry someone who loves me and wants to marry me for the person I am not the person he has fabricated in his mind.

Finally, where do you see yourself 5 years from now? (Life, relationship, career, family, etc)

I would hope in 5 years I would be married but you never know what HF has in store. I have high hopes I'll be moved out of AZ by then. That's about all I can guess at.