Do I Have To Be Skinny? LDS Dating

[kileyizzle]

I'm concerned that because of my weight and apparence i am missing out on alot of YSA experiences.

I just don't know what i am supposed to do.

I recently well as of 30 seconds ago got told from a member that i am not getting asked out on dates because i am chubby.

I thought that the men in this church looked for something else other than what society deems as "hot".

I have gained weight < over 30 kilos in a few months > due to side effects of medications...

So do i have to lose this weight in order to be accepted to find my EC?

[crazypotato]

I'm concerned that because of my weight and apparence i am missing out on alot of YSA experiences.

I just don't know what i am supposed to do.

I recently well as of 30 seconds ago got told from a member that i am not getting asked out on dates because i am chubby.

I thought that the men in this church looked for something else other than what society deems as "hot".

I have gained weight < over 30 kilos in a few months > due to side effects of medications...

So do i have to lose this weight in order to be accepted to find my EC?

Hi, I am married and old. I thought I would reply.

When I was single, I thought only the pretty girls were asked out and got married. And when I didn't get asked out, I then assumed that I must be ugly, and worked really hard at my appearance. I was very fit and thin and not ugly back in the day, but I was also shy and hard to get to know. I look back on my single years. The times where I was friendly and outgoing to everyone, and not interested in dating are the times that I was asked out the most. My looks or weight didn't change.

Men like smiles, kindness, cheerfulness, and feminine clothes and hair just as much or maybe more than being thin.

I think men like beautiful bodies but most do want a nice person too.

I guess some men on here can correct me if I am wrong or verify me?

Keep your chin up!

[Wingnut]

Yes and no.

The truth of the matter is that anyone who says "looks don't matter" is lying. Perhaps as two people begin to date each other, they become more and more attracted to the other because of a sense of humor, or personality in general, or testimony, or ambition. But no one notices a great personality from across the room. In almost all cases, looks are the initial cause of more-than-platonic attraction.

I'm sure I'll probably get 15 responses from people who insist that they were initially attracted to their spouse's whatever -- something other than looks -- but I don't believe it. Looks are -- more often than not what trigger the domino effect.

That's the yes. Here's the no:

If someone is attracted to you for something other than your looks (initially), as they get to know you, they will find you more and more physically attractive. Additionally, it's a dangerous mindset to be in that you "have" to lose weight in order to be found attractive. I would work on your self-confidence. Confidence radiates, and it's easy to tell who has it and who doesn't.

If you want to lose weight, that's fine. But don't do it because your family members are insensitive. Do it for health and morale reasons.

Also, if you have any close male platonic friends, have a frank conversation with one of them. Ask what qualities guys might find attractive in you, and what you could improve. Ask him to be completely honest with you, and prepare yourself for his feedback.

[Elgama]

nope I got way more dates after I put on weight than before when I was under 100lbs (I am only 5ft3)

Ultimately do you want someone that shallow?

[crazypotato]

I know lots of very overweight women with boyfriends. And very ugly women with boyfriends.

I do think a vivid personality is attractive.

I thought my husband was handsome when I first met him, but I wasn't interested. It wasn't until I realized that he was hilarious that I started getting interested. Of course his looks helped, too.

[justaname]

Do women with "hot" bodies and perfect faces get asked out more than those that are overweight? Wingnut is right. . . the answer is yes. Im a guy, and I asked out my wife because she was gorgeous. She could grace the cover of SI's swimsuit edition. (At least I think so) It was the initial attraction that made me want to ask her out. But here is the thing . . . we didnt get married because she was hot and i was hot. Im a 4 out of 10 at best. Im short, too skinny, and my head appears to balance on a toothpick. I have no business being with my wife, but as we continued dating she saw something else in me that no one else had. And while Im still crazily attracted to her, I love her more for the way she cackles, how she cries at commercials, how she sometimes acts more like a young woman rather than their leader, and for how she has overcome major trials to become the spiritual strength in our home.

Most people are somewhat shallow at first, though I wish I could say otherwise. Just be yourself, try to make the best of all your activities, and someone will fall in love with you. It worked for my homely self!

[Wingnut]

nope I got way more dates after I put on weight than before when I was under 100lbs (I am only 5ft3)

Ultimately do you want someone that shallow?

If you were under 100 lbs, I can imagine that you got asked out more after you put more weight on. That's too skinny.

[Elgama]

If you were under 100 lbs, I can imagine that you got asked out more after you put more weight on. That's too skinny.

lol i miscalculated sorry I was trying to work out stone in lbs I was 105lbs which was what my Drs charts call perfect weight for my height, I have a cone shape body although its short (they are usually taller lol). I am now a couple of lbs overweight

[Guest]

Do women with "hot" bodies and perfect faces get asked out more than those that are overweight? Wingnut is right. . . the answer is yes.

But here is the thing . . . we didnt get married because she was hot and i was hot.

Justaname hit the nail right on the head.

The question was - do I have to be skinny to have an EC?

Now, if the question was - do I have to be skinny to get the most dates? The answer would be different.

First of all - from "my body is a temple" doctrine, you don't have to be skinny but you do have to do your best to be healthy. With your medical condition, weight gain is a byproduct of medication. I believe you need to concentrate on healing that medical condition more than worrying about the weight. But there's a balance. My friend has lupos - she had to take medication that caused her to balloon over 100 lbs overweight. This caused her to get congenital-heart-something-or-other which caused more problems. So, you have to balance your medication and weight gain to make the best health decisions.

Note that weight doesn't have much to do with EC outside of health reasons.

Personally, my husband is very handsome. He tells me he likes my looks as well. We both think that it would be really terrible to wake up every single morning to a face you don't like. But, what is pretty to him might be buns-ugly to someone else. And what is buns-ugly to him might be drop-dead-gorgeous to someone else. So you see, even if you just consider looks and nothing beyond it, everybody still has their "match".

But, like justaname said, my looks is not why my husband dated me (we were friends for 2 years before he asked me out on a date). You know the saying - "She was gorgeous until words came out of her mouth".

Now, I have 2 kids and has gained 40 lbs and I'm 12 years older complete with wrinkles. He is still that handsome boy I met - he's a health nut and his skin and hair "glows" of good health. So, I'm not the "great looking" girl he met anymore while he's still gorgeous - but, that doesn't change anything. He won't divorce me because I gained weight - he does check up on my health though - when I was carrying the extra 40 lbs, my back and my knee were giving me problems. So, he helped me lose the weight.

The moral of this story - beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You shouldn't look at yourself through a "boy's" eyes. Because, that's like "lying" - becoming someone you are not because you want them to like you. Be yourself - love your looks and be Christlike. You will notice that when you do, boys will see you for who you are. Then you won't need to weed through the morons to get to the good ones!

Edited July 13, 2010 by anatess

[kileyizzle]

I currently weigh 13 stone 3.2 lbs... i used to weigh 9 stone 1.9 lbs i am 5"1

I'm 5"1 and in and out of hospital for a disease that can't be diagnosed... so i mean... i never had a pretty face.. i've never been a really slim girl i just find it.. infuriating

[Elgama]

I currently weigh 13 stone 3.2 lbs... i used to weigh 9 stone 1.9 lbs i am 5"1

I'm 5"1 and in and out of hospital for a disease that can't be diagnosed... so i mean... i never had a pretty face.. i've never been a really slim girl i just find it.. infuriating

is that you in the picture? I'm about 11 stone and not much taller than you, I look fine, not skinny like I used to be.

k

[beefche]

I'm with Wingy and justaname on this. Initially, men do look for attractiveness. BUT, that doesn't mean they cannot find women who are overweight attractive.

You can still be attractive even if overweight. The major contribution to attracting anyone, whether as a date or a friend, is confidence. I honestly don't know if this can be stressed enough. You have to like yourself--really, really like who you are--and be comfortable with you. That will radiate to others.

One thing to remember, just because you are overweight, that doesn't mean you can just dress in tents or other ways to "camoflauge" the extra weight. Nor should you dress in clothes that are too small. Dress nice--you don't have to spend alot of money on dressing nice. But, find clothes that flatter you. Have you ever seen the American TV program called "What Not To Wear?" See if you can watch it on hulu or something. Seriously, these fashion people work with the person's body and strengths--and they have worked with overweight people. Personal experience: a few years ago, a male friend made an off hand comment to me that I didn't dress very feminine. At first, I was offended, then after I got over my hurt feelings, I took a step back and looked at how I dressed. Other than Sundays, he was right. So, I slowly began to change how I dressed. Watching that show helped alot because they tell you styles to look for that will flatter you. As a result, I dress better and feel better about myself.

[Tarnished]

Here is how I see it. When I first got to college I was 5' 7" and 125 lbs, but I got next to no dates. I was skinny and I was pretty, but I was also shy. Near the end of the year I began to get desperate for a date of any kind, I began to ask out guys on my own. Then the man who became my husband asked me out and from him I learned something.

Sometimes the really gorgeous girls are intimidating to guys, the guy sees a girl and thinks, "Oh, she is way out of my league, I could never get a date with her." and so they don't ask. Conversely a guy may have this "ideal woman" in his mind and just can't get his head around asking out a girl who doesn't fit that ideal. I think the real key is trying to be a little more outgoing. Try to get to a place where you are happy with your life and with yourself. When a person is truly happy it shows and others tend to want to be around them. I often heard when I was single that you often end up meeting someone when you aren't even looking. So to answer your question, do you have to be skinny to find a guy? For some guys yes, but for others no. Do you have to be skinny to find an eternal companion? No.

[Wingnut]

Have you ever seen the American TV program called "What Not To Wear?" See if you can watch it on hulu or something.

I don't know if you can access this in New Zealand, but here's a link, kiley: What Not to Wear Videos : Stacy London, Clinton Kelly, Fashion : TLC

[Dravin]

I thought that the men in this church looked for something else other than what society deems as "hot".

Men and women of the church still live in the society that has determined mores. There are other considerations at play for instance a LDS might be turned off by immodesty where as a generic member of society might not (we're not the only folks who put stock in modesty). You also have personal preferences. I'm not telling you this to convince you to expend all your energy in an effort to conform to societal norms, I'm just saying that ultimately men and women of the church are American, or Australian, Scottish, German, Chinese or what have you and being members of the Church may change them, but they are still members of the society they grew up in so don't expect them to be completely devoid of such influences.

Now don't forget that it isn't like everyone who isn't LDS who is getting married has the body of a Greek God or Goddess. People of all shapes, sizes, skin tones, eye colors, hair colors, hair styles and senses of fashion in those societies find people to date and fall in love with all the time.

So do i have to lose this weight in order to be accepted to find my EC?

No you do not. I won't lie, if I met societies ideal it probably wouldn't hurt the amount of female attention I get (thought possibly only in the field of first dates and getting checked out), and if you met societies ideal it probably wouldn't hurt the amount of male attention you get, but you certainly aren't doomed to singlehood because you aren't a model.

[wildbean98]

It's a lot easier to make yourself unattractive to men than it is to make yourself attractive. If you're clingy, jealous, or controlling it won't matter how hot you are, you're going to have a hard time. If you're generous, loving, and secure then it won't matter how big you are, you'll find someone.

Make it a point to be very active with a charity. Take it seriously and put a lot of effort into it. You'll find a man in no time. It's also a great filter. If a guy isn't interested in a wonderful woman that's a little overweight then he's not worth your time anyway.

It also makes a big difference if the weight problem is medical or voluntary. A woman who is overweight because she is insecure or lacks self control is going to have a hard time finding a man because those personality flaws are detrimental to keeping a family together. By the time your kids are teenagers, if you're insecure, controlling, jealous, clingy, or lack self control then you're going to have a very hard time being a parent.

[beefche]

I have to interject here a bit. Many people are saying essentially, "just be yourself and you'll find someone!" That is not necessarily true. There will be many people who do not marry in this life. That is a sad reality. And some of those who do not marry may never have a date--or may have very, very few dates.

What is important is to understand the doctrine of eternal marriage. Understand the reality of dating and marriage. Do research and find out what makes you an attractive date (techniques, tips, tools, etc). Do research to find what makes a marriage work. Work on yourself, all aspects, to make you a happy you. Remember that you can only change you--never can you change anyone else. So, be happy with who you are.

At some point in your life, if you remain single, you will realize and discover that you CAN be happy while single. You can still have the goal of being married and still be happy if that goal is not attained in this life.

[Guest]

There's this big girl... Queen Latifah. I doubt she is hurting for dates.

Queen Latifah's objective when she joined Jenny Craig's weight loss program was not to be skinny - this should be an inspiration to all the "big" girls like Queen Latifah out there:

"I’m not caught up in how big or small I am. Some people say they’re a skinny person trapped in a big girl’s body and I’ve never seen myself like that. I just feel like I could get a little healthier, so why not? I had read that if you lost 5 percent of your body weight, you could cut your chances of things like heart disease in half. Jenny Craig mentioned the same statistic to me, so we connected on a health level.”

Queen Latifah for InTouch (August 14, 2008)

[Elgama]

[hordak]

It's interesting because yesterday i was watching Taboo on nat geo and it was on weight. In one country in Asia the actually use sticks to pinch their daughters feet to help in over feeding them, obesity is a sign of beauty there, they also had people in the US who are specifically attracted to larger women.

I myself had been rejected plenty of times because of my height, ironically those who were most vocal about it were the first to call me superficial based on my standards regarding weight

Eventually i met a great girl whom not only didn't care about height but liked shorter men and 7 years later we are going strong...

My point is everyone has a preference and and while you might not fit in everyone's doesn't mean you don't fit in someones.

I would however recommend losing weight for heath reasons.

*hordak not actually pictured*

[LostMarine]

Society has many accepted standards. When I first joined the Marine Corps I weighed in a 220 lbs (15 stones 7 lbs), They told me I was fat. I am six foot tall. Then when I left the Marine Corps I wieged 225 lbs. I was in great shape.

I now weigh 240 some people would call me fat. I say who cares. I am extremly active, i walk or run almost every day. I have the confidance to flirt with any woman I want to (mostly succesful).

You sound unhappy. Instead of thinking what It will take to make men want to date you more, worry on what will make you happy. Skinny, fat, and everything in between. Men like happy women. A woman is always more attractive with a smile on her face and inner confidance.

Try this approach with a stranger. If you can be outgoing and friendly, then at worst you have just wasted five minutes with someone you will never meet again. At best, you have just found your "one and only".

I think your cute. Smile and quit doubting yourself.

S.T Fin

[marshac]

Society has many accepted standards. When I first joined the Marine Corps I weighed in a 220 lbs (15 stones 7 lbs), They told me I was fat. I am six foot tall. Then when I left the Marine Corps I wieged 225 lbs. I was in great shape.

...

I think your cute. Smile and quit doubting yourself.

That's one of my gripes about BMI- it's a lame "one size fits all", and often people who are quite fit are 'overweight' or 'obese'.

I was initially attracted to my wife because she was "cute"- not necessarily because she was the skinniest person in the dorms. Fortunately my wife doesn't visit this site, so i'll agree with LM and say you're cute as well :)

[kileyizzle]

Sorry about the late reply guys - and i appreciate all of your answers thus far.

Yes - that is me in the picture <also some more on my profile >

I know it's a very superfical thing - I know it sounds lame and pretentious. However - i can't help but notice the slimmer more "hot" girls who don't do the right thing are amongst the respective "higher" ranking groups in YSA.. i mean.. GOSH...

My situation with my weight is only temporary i've been ill for the last 8 months there's not a whole lot i can do about it till i know what i'm dealing with there.

But it is a constant ongoing theme amongst members that i'm finding it.. well to be honest... and blunt. It was a jerk thing to say . I'm not chubby <i am> i am loved

No but seriously. UGH i just don't know what to think.

[talisyn]

/sigh, been there done that. I've always got more attention from non-LDS guys than LDS guys, even though I usually have very high standards lol, and I know in this area it's because of my weight. Some LDS men of a certain age can be soooo elitest. Girls too, but I never wanted to date any of the girls I was adorably cuddly when about 25 but none of the guys in the Singles branch would even talk to me, no matter how perky and funny I was. Don't do what I did next!!! I basically gave up and decided that if I can't get an LDS guy then I don't want an LDS guy, and that was the start of a lot of time wasted trying to get back on the straight and narrow...time that would have been better spent improving myself to be worthy of the kind of guy I really wanted (and finally found).

Remember that this life is such a small time. Try to be patient, and instead of getting angry and frustrated try to be compassionate to those who cannot see your obvious worth. After all, we all have our weaknesses

[Moksha]

I currently weigh 13 stone 3.2 lbs... i used to weigh 9 stone 1.9 lbs i am 5"1

i never had a pretty face.

What is this in the U.S measurement of pounds?

BTW, the face in the picture looks very pretty.