Do I Have To Be Skinny? LDS Dating

[kileyizzle]

pounds is as follows :

Current weight : 185 Pounds

Previous weight before getting sick : 127 Pounds

[Blackmarch]

I'm concerned that because of my weight and apparence i am missing out on alot of YSA experiences.

I just don't know what i am supposed to do.

I recently well as of 30 seconds ago got told from a member that i am not getting asked out on dates because i am chubby.

I thought that the men in this church looked for something else other than what society deems as "hot".

I have gained weight < over 30 kilos in a few months > due to side effects of medications...

So do i have to lose this weight in order to be accepted to find my EC?

erm... no.

Being in the world but not part of it is not easy.

[johnnylingo]

Do women with "hot" bodies and perfect faces get asked out more than those that are overweight?

I have to disagree. It's the women with the largest social networks, who are the most outgoing and the most friendly who get the most dates.

This has been my observation in a YSA ward. In theory, it makes sense that "hot" girls get the most dates, but when it comes to Mormon men actually asking somebody out on a date, the friendly, fun, smiley, bubbly, always-meeting-new-people woman who's at all the parties and all the activities is more approachable.

[Wingnut]

I have to disagree. It's the women with the largest social networks, who are the most outgoing and the most friendly who get the most dates.

This has been my observation in a YSA ward. In theory, it makes sense that "hot" girls get the most dates, but when it comes to Mormon men actually asking somebody out on a date, the friendly, fun, smiley, bubbly, always-meeting-new-people woman who's at all the parties and all the activities is more approachable.

Well someone forgot to tell that to the guys who knew me when I was single. I was the "friendly, fun, smiley, bubbly, always-meeting-new-people woman who's at all the parties and all the activities" and I still had to do any and all asking out on my own.

[justaname]

/sigh, been there done that. I've always got more attention from non-LDS guys than LDS guys, even though I usually have very high standards lol, and I know in this area it's because of my weight. Some LDS men of a certain age can be soooo elitest.

I dont mean to burst your bubble or disappoint the OP, but I dont understand why there is an implication here that LDS men are any worse than other men. Nor do I understand why one would think that being LDS would change the laws of attraction. Men are attracted to beautiful women, and women are attracted to handsome men. I dont really see how being LDS or not changes this.

Maybe Im missing something, but can anyone (including the OP) explain why there would be an assumption that LDS men have different laws of attraction? Or is there just an assumption that LDS men are just supposed to be 'nicer'?

[kileyizzle]

Well someone forgot to tell that to the guys who knew me when I was single. I was the "friendly, fun, smiley, bubbly, always-meeting-new-people woman who's at all the parties and all the activities" and I still had to do any and all asking out on my own.

ITA! dude... i'm like.. very loud and outspoken - also love to give cuddles to people when i meet them and what not.

This is considered "strange" by alot of them. And being too forward.

lol seems like either way i luck out in the looks department and the personality.

[Elgama]

Maybe Im missing something, but can anyone (including the OP) explain why there would be an assumption that LDS men have different laws of attraction? Or is there just an assumption that LDS men are just supposed to be 'nicer'?

firstly not sure how being overweight = unattractive I can think of several very attractive very pretty women who are overweight.

And secondly I do expect more from priesthood holders because they are searching for an eternal companion and not just a quick trip behind the bike sheds.... they should be more decent, kinder, gentlemanly.

[Elgama]

Kileylizzie if that is you in the picture you are stunning. Don't settle for a shallow man, look for one that will cherish you for who you are. If my husband couldn't do that for me I certainly wouldn't want him

[justaname]

firstly not sure how being overweight = unattractive I can think of several very attractive very pretty women who are overweight.

And secondly I do expect more from priesthood holders because they are searching for an eternal companion and not just a quick trip behind the bike sheds.... they should be more decent, kinder, gentlemanly.

Of course they should be more decent, kinder, and gentlemanly. That isnt the same thing as being attracted to everyone. Like people have mentioned, for the most part, a first date is usually the result of some kind of physical attraction between two people. Then the REAL attraction takes place during courtship. When a man receives the priesthood and becomes kind, decent and more of a gentleman, he doesnt lose all of his original perception of what is physically attractive is to him.

Answer this for me. . . lets say you have a single guy who is a worthy priesthood holder. He is attracted to slender, tall, large chested brunettes with dark eyes. He shows up to a YSA activity and meets a short, overweight, blond haired, blue eyed girl who seems really nice. Because he is kind, decent and in all ways a gentleman, does this mean he should ask her out on a date? To me the answer is no, but for some reason I think that it is being insinuated that because this man is LDS and a good priesthood holder, he should look past the fact that he is not attracted to her and ask her out because "he is better than that".

[Elgama]

Answer this for me. . . lets say you have a single guy who is a worthy priesthood holder. He is attracted to slender, tall, large chested brunettes with dark eyes. He shows up to a YSA activity and meets a short, overweight, blond haired, blue eyed girl who seems really nice. Because he is kind, decent and in all ways a gentleman, does this mean he should ask her out on a date? To me the answer is no, but for some reason I think that it is being insinuated that because this man is LDS and a good priesthood holder, he should look past the fact that he is not attracted to her and ask her out because "he is better than that".

Actually if they get on and she seems a good person then yes they have the potential to be good eternal companions. So its worth seeing if you are compatible. Any two good people can make a marriage work. Yes an eternal marriage is better than that, and I expected more from my priesthood holder.

My husband is not my usual type - however he is 'hot' beautiful and amazing because I gave him the chance to show me his beauty and I used that to base my passion for him. He's shorter and was younger than my usual attractions. And overweight,

I'm certainly not his usual physical type, he liked em much older, and just generally different. I am pretty etc but not his type

You know what have a lot of women who wouldn't have considered my husband before we married who now i have him have a certain amount of jealousy. And we have a great marriage that works.

[johnnylingo]

Well someone forgot to tell that to the guys who knew me when I was single. I was the "friendly, fun, smiley, bubbly, always-meeting-new-people woman who's at all the parties and all the activities" and I still had to do any and all asking out on my own.

I guess everybody has their own perspective.

I am (in my own, I suppose not so humble opinion) a conventionally good looking person. Women that are not my mother have described me as 'tiny', have told me I look very nice, have complimented my clothes.

But I have a difficult time in my YSA ward because I've always been very shy and a little awkward. I've seen women not as conventionally good looking (they were pretty, but not in the tired, stereotypical way) frequently date and get married, because of their winning personalities. Part of it was their ability to pursue men and ask them out. From my perspective, it seems like an outgoing personality is the real key, and not looks.

[Wingnut]

From my perspective, it seems like an outgoing personality is the real key, and not looks.

I don't think anyone is arguing with that. My point (and that of many others in this thread) is that the personality should win out in the end, but the looks are -- more often than not -- the thing that jump starts a potential relationship.

[hordak]

And secondly I do expect more from priesthood holders because they are searching for an eternal companion and not just a quick trip behind the bike sheds.... they should be more decent, kinder, gentlemanly.

I have actually heard LDS men are more picky because they are looking for an eternal companion and not just a quick trip behind the "bike shed"

People going for a bike shed trip are generally more accepting of others "flaws" whether they be physical or personality based.From what i have seen.

[mrmarklin]

You don't have to be skinny, but it would probably help. Guys are mainly visual, and has been pointed out, before one gets to know you he sees you first.

On the other hand look at all the married people you know. Most are not physically attractive, and they got married.

On another note, my daughter got married last fall, and she weighs 300 lbs by her own admission.

[Elgama]

I have actually heard LDS men are more picky because they are looking for an eternal companion and not just a quick trip behind the "bike shed"

People going for a bike shed trip are generally more accepting of others "flaws" whether they be physical or personality based.From what i have seen.

:) ok point taken but I do think they should be more picky about the person rather than the looks.

My husband said when we were first married he was glad I was a little flat chested as big chested women scared him lol Three years later I was no longer flat chested :) and he had to adapt.

[talisyn]

I dont mean to burst your bubble or disappoint the OP, but I dont understand why there is an implication here that LDS men are any worse than other men. Nor do I understand why one would think that being LDS would change the laws of attraction. Men are attracted to beautiful women, and women are attracted to handsome men. I dont really see how being LDS or not changes this.

Maybe Im missing something, but can anyone (including the OP) explain why there would be an assumption that LDS men have different laws of attraction? Or is there just an assumption that LDS men are just supposed to be 'nicer'?

I haven't done tons of research and all that, all I have is what I've seen over the many eons. What I saw when I was in the local Singles Ward (branch) was out of about 45 guys around my age I never even had a chance with any of them lol. Meanwhile enough non-LDS guys of decent moral character asked me out that I noticed a definite trend. I don't know why that would be. Can you explain it?

[Dravin]

I haven't done tons of research and all that, all I have is what I've seen over the many eons. What I saw when I was in the local Singles Ward (branch) was out of about 45 guys around my age I never even had a chance with any of them lol. Meanwhile enough non-LDS guys of decent moral character asked me out that I noticed a definite trend. I don't know why that would be. Can you explain it?

More non-LDS men than available LDS men in your ward? If only 1% of the single guys in a decent sized town where interested in you they would dwarf the amount of guys in your singles Ward, let alone those who might be interested in you. I think the numbers game is something people tend to overlook in situations like this, you see your singles ward and think of all the LDS men who aren't asking you out, do you likewise see your town and think about all the single non-LDS men who aren't asking you out? PErcentage wise they could be identical but the town wins in raw (and thus noticed) numbers.

Just a WAG.

Edited July 15, 2010 by Dravin

[Guest mirancs8]

I'm concerned that because of my weight and apparence i am missing out on alot of YSA experiences.

I just don't know what i am supposed to do.

I recently well as of 30 seconds ago got told from a member that i am not getting asked out on dates because i am chubby.

I thought that the men in this church looked for something else other than what society deems as "hot".

I have gained weight < over 30 kilos in a few months > due to side effects of medications...

So do i have to lose this weight in order to be accepted to find my EC?

First of all let me tell you that you are VERY BEAUTIFUL!!! Do not for one minute think that you are not in any way attractive even at your weight. I too have medical conditions that makes it a daily struggle to keep my weight down. There are many women who walk around with a great amount of confidence even when they are overweight and they do get lots of dates... get married and such.

On the other hand I can understand the stuggle mentally. For me it's not what others think of me but how I feel in my own skin. It has to do with me. I felt healthier and happier the thinner I was. When you are thin initially you do get more attention... more looks. The problem is that with some that's as far as it goes. In my early 20s I dated a guy for a few months who was amazingly beautiful. 6'2" 220 chiseled like a rock sculpture. He was the perfect eye candy. With each week... each month I quickly could see that there was nothing more beyond that. Soon enough I was searching my exit plan.

I learned that though someone might look really yummy from the outside doesn't mean there is much to him on the inside. When that initial "ow yeah he/she is really hot" phase passes then reality sets in and if you don't have anything in common between you both it will fizzle quickly.

Years later maturity and life experience has taught me that I have to give each person a chance to shine. You might meet someone who seems so so when you look at them but can see an instant connection after getting to know each other better. When I meet men I choose to look beyond that outward appearance. To me it is far more important that he and I link in the mind not just the eyes.

We have a bit of the Stepford Wives Syndrome in the LDS church. Not everyone but I do see it being someone who is a convert. Doing it all AND having the perfect figure. During RS this past Sunday a Sister came up to speak and she started talking about how she was getting ready for her vacation and trying to work out to get her beach body. She was so frustrated that she was not seeing the results she wanted. My mouth was dropped to the floor as I just couldn't believe what she was saying. This woman is so beautiful with a perfect body... I'm telling you she is a perfect 10 in my book! Then my visiting teacher who has to be 100 pounds soaking wet was telling me how she's going to do the HCG diet (BTW, all the rage in our ward) to shed all these pounds. WHAT?!

I know many don't want to hear this but this type of stuff makes those of us who are struggling look at ourselves and think gosh I can't imagine what they are thinking when they look at me if they are seeing themselves as having extra weight on them. It does add a level of discomfort and I'm sure it rubs off on the YM as well. There is that pressure. However I do think it's important to be healthy and thin but for those who suffer from illness/medical side effects it can make them feel a bit out in left field.

It's when you're not trying... when you least expect it... when you aren't looking... it will happen for you. You just have to have hope and be confident in who you are. Let someone love you for who you are not for what image you match in their imagination. You can always change the outside... you cannot change what matters and that is what lies inside each of us.

[Moksha]

Seldom Mentioned Lead Stories

Did you know that at Church dances, slow dancing feels much better with a woman of substance?

[Guest]

Seldom Mentioned Lead Stories

Did you know that at Church dances, slow dancing feels much better with a woman of substance?

My very first dance with my then-boyfriend-now-husband is at a stake dance - slow! And to think we met at a dance club - you know the booze and rock and ladies drink free place. He wouldn't dance at the dance club! Just wanted to sit at the stool watching people. He says he doesn't dance. I love to dance.

So, yeah, one slow music at a stake dance got my husband off his feet to dance with me! To him, I'm a woman of substance! And that was before I became a member. We've been married 12 years and I can count with one hand the number of times he danced with me.

[kileyizzle]

WOW i never realised what a hot topic this was!

Thank you all for your input and for the lovely compliments.. i actually felt good about the way i looked todaii so amazing and kind of you all to take the time to reply. Thank you so much.

LOL... well the guy who initially said it takes me to institute every week - This week however.. i have been stood up... which in turn leads onto the next issue.. WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING WRONG?

The frustration and the pressure of being a YSA & a convert are pushing me over the edge man!

*sigh* I'm in and out of hospital most weeks with my medical condition which nobody apparently knows what it is. This makes me bloat and well tbh i looked pregnant. I'm in alot of pain and it doesn't take alot to upset me. But i mean.. this is incrediably ARRRRRRRRRGH situation.

I literally feel like - this is a whole new breed of person

[hordak]

WOW i never realised what a hot topic this was!

Thank you all for your input and for the lovely compliments.. i actually felt good about the way i looked todaii so amazing and kind of you all to take the time to reply. Thank you so much.

LOL... well the guy who initially said it takes me to institute every week - This week however.. i have been stood up... which in turn leads onto the next issue.. WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING WRONG?

The frustration and the pressure of being a YSA & a convert are pushing me over the edge man!

*sigh* I'm in and out of hospital most weeks with my medical condition which nobody apparently knows what it is. This makes me bloat and well tbh i looked pregnant. I'm in alot of pain and it doesn't take alot to upset me. But i mean.. this is incrediably ARRRRRRRRRGH situation.

I literally feel like - this is a whole new breed of person

I think your trying too hard (meant in the nicest way possible.) Dating is a lot of pressure, and must be more so in a YSA ward, and people tend to "act" in a way.

I had very few meaningful relationships when dating, it was when i "gave up", and could relax and be myself that my best friend found me.

Don't look at dating like a task or job interview, something that is done or can be completed. Look at it like church or an activity you enjoy, something that you do.

Enjoy the "sport" and you will be yourself. Aim solely for the "win" and you will miss out on a lot of the game, be more devastated by the losses (And most likely come off different)

Hope that makes sense

[dorave]

I'm concerned that because of my weight and apparence i am missing out on alot of YSA experiences.

I just don't know what i am supposed to do.

I recently well as of 30 seconds ago got told from a member that i am not getting asked out on dates because i am chubby.

I thought that the men in this church looked for something else other than what society deems as "hot".

I have gained weight < over 30 kilos in a few months > due to side effects of medications...

So do i have to lose this weight in order to be accepted to find my EC?

Probably, depends on how high you set your expectations of your EC tho.

[Cassiopeia]

Justaname hit the nail right on the head.

The question was - do I have to be skinny to have an EC?

Now, if the question was - do I have to be skinny to get the most dates? The answer would be different.

First of all - from "my body is a temple" doctrine, you don't have to be skinny but you do have to do your best to be healthy.

Please provide the scriptural references for this supposed doctrine. There is nothing in the scriptures that I'm aware of that says we must do our best to be healthy. It's good advice and important for longevity, but it's not a commandment or doctrine.

[Boris_natasha]

Broaden your horizons. Your EC may not be LDS now, but may become so. I know several guys who think skinny is unappealing, and choose to date much larger girls.